your WWE SNACKDOWN WORKRATE REPORT- 10/3/2002!

[Guest DEAN RASMUSSEN]

It seems that UPN 65 Richmond is broadcasting this week so I can do a beloved and cherished Workrate Report. Revel in the glory of a man in his mid-30s killing two hours watching the US Professional Wrestling- a wad of Professional Wrestling that has been delivering the motherfucking goods for a pretty consistent number of Thursdays. I got last weeks Smackdown highlights in the mails from my main homey, Phil motherfuckin Schneider and I will bask in the wrestletastic WWE product of last weeks Smackdown and the last PPV as soon as I get home from work tomorrow. But enough of me, let's see what was bringing good and the pee-you this week.

 

WHAT WORKED-

- Eddy and Chavo vs Mark Henry and Rikishi has Eddy motherfucking Guerrerro in it and you and I both motherfucking love that. Yes we do. Eddy and Chavo play the little fella card and THEY CHEAT LIKE MOTHERFUCKERS! and you can barely contain yourself. Eddy avoids Rikishi's giant spewing poo cannon early and Mark Henry tags in and- c'mon- it's Mark Henry, but he was perfectly fine taking the Guerrerro ass-stomp, selling the leg for a second there. Eddy hits the vicious dropkick to the knee and Chavo and Eddy should get the belts. They rule. I fucking love the Tag Tourney idea and Rikishi and Henry being a tagteam is one of those cool things you can do in a tag tourney. Henry takes the chair like a fucking KING and Eddy makes with the INVERTED CATTLE MUTILATION~!~! and you party and freak at the love. The Love of the Professional Wrestling. At the evil. At the purity of the heelishness. At the Old School as a motherfucking UN FOULE~! rudoing of Eddy. At the Pure Old School stinking sweaty hateful EVIL that Eddy brings to the ring. EDDY motherfucking GUERRERRO IS YOUR ONE TRUE WRESTLING GOD. YOU MAY NOT ACCEPT THIS IN YOUR MIND, BUT- DEEP IN YOUR HEART- YOU KNOW IT IS TRUE. Hell fucking yeah, Daddy. Fuck yeah, motherfucker.

 

- The Billy and Chuck Aren't Gay And Are Packin Wood For Torrie Segment was going to suck until Dawn Marie decided to FUCK TORRRIE'S DAD! FUCK YEAH! Torrie's dad was probably a veteran or something. Hook an old man up wid summa dat! That's how you do a face turn. And Matt Hardy is great as the oblivious cretin.

 

- Matt Hardy fucking rules it. Undertaker's punches suck. The legdrop off the apron was really nice though. Matt bumps like a fucking PSYCHO for UT and that's about all you can ask for to make the lump called UT look presentable. Taker no-sells beer. It becomes less fun when it gets away from the crowd and rambles to the backstage area- you go from the energy of the crowd to the sterile backstage. THEN Brock Lesnar decides that noone is allowed to ever outbump him and then MATT WINS MATT WINS MATT WINS! Then Brock breaks Undertaker's hand and UT sells it like Eric Idle selling the Griswolds' similar continuous comical attacks throughout National Lampoon's European Vacation. I await Brock accidentally handing UT a really hot pan of cupcakes or something. Matt and some other non-Undertaker wrestler should have an actual brawl-based fued because Matt bumping through the crowd is MAGIC.

 

- Jamie Noble is your Peckerwood Jesus and Nidia REALLY needs to have one small braid with a feather in it amidst her crimped locks. She should also get one of those brown floppy suede hats. Noble as Redneck Benoit vs Crash as Wacky Benoit is fun in the ring, if a bit pedestrian on this night. The counter out of the Styles Clash was nice. I dunno. Noble on the stick would have been nice too.

 

- Kurt Angle isn't wanting to fuck any guys in their asses tonight, which is upsetting in one aspect. Angle being a serious bad-ass to Edge is a step in the right direction in a far more important, less funny aspect. Sucker punches rule.

 

- Edge thanks his Norse Canadian Gods that he can go straight from a white hot fued with superWrestling God Eddy Guerrerro to a mini-fued with Olympic Pro Wrestling Messiah Kurt Angle. "Verily I thank thee, oh GREAT ONTARION! Creator Of Poutine, Curling And April Wine!" he was overheard praying before the match with Angle. The match is all Old School with armdrags leading up to armbars- like any good Steamboat match. Angle works out of the armbar and Edge cuts him off. It looked they were going to go BROADWAY! Edge hits the superweak spin kick and goes back to the arm. Angle says, "I WILL TAKE THIS TO A ANGLE-LIKE LEVEL!" and takes the shoulder to the post. Angle hits the WHOMP ASS counter by throwing Edge over the toprope. Edge gets the sporadic offense but Angle's offense is WAAAAAAY more fun that Edge's so it's better when Angle cuts him off. The body of this match is basically a Puerto Rican Pro Style match- in that it was pure 1970s Pro Style. Slow build to big bumps, punching to transition and selling and psychology being valued above all. All you have to do is replace the Puerto Rican Big Match Bucket Of Blood with Angle's gigantic arsenal of suplexes and you stick the first part of this match in Roberto Clemente stadium. Edge hits a nice Belly-to-Belly and it is the punching to the first big nearfall. The Suplex into the ref bump was nice. The ending was straight out of 1985 so how could I hate that? Actually, I would have liked a double count out instead of the lame double pinfall. It's a CRAZY REF! CRAZY REF!!! WHERE IS DANNY DAVIS!?!? Uh-oh... HEY! It's ain't over. God, Edge will DIE for your pleasure, even if just in replay. JESUS! Angle will die for your pleasure for no apparent reason. The bump to the floor and the Spear off the apron to the rail was fucking SWANK. Edge sells the ribs like a king after sprawling to the floor after going off the top. Then they bludgeon each other, with Angle hitting the beautiful German's before Benoit shows up. Angle goes the fucking extra mile by bumping big on the Ankle lock counter. The second ending was even goofier then the first ending, but what a fucking great match. Benoit makes the Popeye face and your heart is warm. Jesus, that was 25 minutes long. Jiminy, Smackdown fucking rocks tonight.

 

- Stephanie making Kurt Angle and Benoit PARAJAS INCREDIBLAS is fun fun fun booking. HOLY SHIT! Chavo and Eddy vs Angle/Benoit would make for really really really great wrestling. You would watch. I would watch. Matt is clueless as a motherfucker and Brock is baffled by Matt's intensity and self-assured mattitude. Brock fears Matt's feckless ease and unaffected confidence. Brock is self-conscious, uneasy around women, easily led by sexually questionable managers. It's a super psychosexual match-up that is soooooooo right up Heyman's booking alley. Hey, Brock vs Matt falls count anywhere would fucking rule. It would be that match we conjectured about earlier.

 

- Chuck and Billy as ungay faces is so not nearly as cool as gay heels. Farooq is a weird guest partner. I thought Farooq was Pro-Masturbation!!!! WHAT IS HAPPENING!?!? My world of frosty guiltfree lummox bludgeoning comes to a hideous halt! I am sudenly filled with shame! GODDAM YOU RON SIMMONS! GODDAMN YOU TO HELL! Chuck fucking rules though. I guess I'll have to settle for more wrestlin tapes since I cannot enjoy the sweet love that a man can supply himself when he is alone in his tender hours and the ladies of Worldsex.com are summoning him with it's bevy of beautiful skanky women... The match is kinda rambling but perfectly fine. Not enough to make up for my hours of pleasure while one disgraces himself in splumpy, splurty guilt-free self-emblindenment. Oh fuck you Ron Simmons. You let us all down....

 

- Al Wilson looks like Mike Martz, the coach of the St Louis Rams and to think of Mike Martz' mounting face is far too much for a normal human being to bear. But thinking about some guy who looks kinda like Mike Martz's mounting face is kinda alluring, wouldn't you say? YOU GO AL! MOUNT HER! MOUNT HER WITH YOUR WISE AND STEADY LOVIN'! SHOW HER THE STAYING POWER OF THE OLDER MAN! SHOW HER THE PROWESS OF THE LOVE GENERAL, WORKING HER HOOTENANNY LIKE A SEXUAL LOVE SURGEON!! U R A MACHINE! WOO-HOO! You go, our Elder Splatastic Role-Model! The actual bikini contest sucked. I mean Worldsex.com is RIGHT THERE. It's- you know, ACTUAL FREE PORNO. Tazz blowing a lump o' tazzseed into his double breasted suit was far more interesting that the leathery young ladies in the ring. Torrie takes a half-naked bump. They should wrestle. Dawn Marie made the DVDVR Joshi 100 a year ago. She can punch if I remember correctly. But we all also smoke bails of weed when getting to the last fifteen spots. Dude, you can't hold us to that.... hey, you got any Allman Brothers around here, man. Eat A Peach, Brothers and Sisters... Working Man's Dead, maybe?

 

- BENOIT WRESTLES REY MISTERIO! Benoit beats the living dogshit out of Rey Rey and Rey Rey counters by going super lucha on the Crippler and Benoit flashes back to Villano 3 schooling him on lucha lessons of his youth. Tazz almost calls the Dandino- which I give a thousand stars for effort. Benoit cuts off Rey Rey with a gnarley rib-breaker and starts re-beating the living dogshit out of Rey Rey. Rey Rey eats Benoit's offense like a fucking KING. They go into a junior heavyweight knucklelock section and Benoit luckily takes it back to heavyweight ass-beating and the Benoit that I love is back. They fiddle around with more knucklelock stuff until Benoit CRUSHES Rey with a German. Rey is such a great Face Being Beaten To Death and his offense on his comeback is credible because of it's whacky inventiveness. Benoit leans into the dropkick to the face in the corner LIKE HE IS CHRIS MOTHERFUCKING BENOIT and we go into the nearfalls. Benoit counters the MORTAL Dropkick and hits the Amazingly Stupid Toprope Headbutt. Rey kicks out for some reason. We all wait for Kurt Angle to ruin it for Benoit and the Benoit vs Angle postmatch hatefest is even funner than the Rey Rey match. Benoit and Angle are SOLID GOLD. I am filled with love. Fit Finlay is in the final shot to make my love of this weeks Smackdown even deeper.

 

WHAT DIDN'T WORK-

- Jesus, I hate the opening thing where they edit and edit and edit until it's really annoying. Something has to go down here. Here ya go.

 

THERE YOU HAVE IT.

 

DEAN RASMUSSEN.

[LaParkaYourCar 0]

Los Guerreros vs. Angle/Benoit? *Salivates at the thought*

 

What's up with the gay looking tag belts for Smackdown? It's the regular belts with purty blue writing!

[Guest DEAN RASMUSSEN]

Los Guerreros vs. Angle/Benoit? *Salivates at the thought*

Golly, that would fucking RULE.

 

DEAN.

[Guest Incandenza]

- Chuck and Billy as ungay faces is so not nearly as cool as gay heels. Farooq is a weird guest partner. I thought Farooq was Pro-Masturbation!!!! WHAT IS HAPPENING!?!? My world of frosty guiltfree lummox bludgeoning comes to a hideous halt! I am sudenly filled with shame! GODDAM YOU RON SIMMONS! GODDAMN YOU TO HELL! Chuck fucking rules though. I guess I'll have to settle for more wrestlin tapes since I cannot enjoy the sweet love that a man can supply himself when he is alone in his tender hours and the ladies of Worldsex.com are summoning him with it's bevy of beautiful skanky women... The match is kinda rambling but perfectly fine. Not enough to make up for my hours of pleasure while one disgraces himself in splumpy, splurty guilt-free self-emblindenment. Oh fuck you Ron Simmons. You let us all down....

 

This paragraph alone more than makes up for no SD! report last week. Ah, the joy of jizz!

[Guest BaldFish]

He's like Scott Keith, but with a tad fewer homoerotic tendencies!

[Guest goodhelmet]

goddammit inc., don't rehash the alf story. and benoit-angle vs. eddie-chavo in a 20minute ppv match might salvage what looks to be a horrible ppv! i might even watch the damn thing for free!!!

[Guest Smell the ratings!!!]

dean's back, woohoo!

 

and yes, hopefully they resist the urge to cram Edge in there, and give us the Gurreroes vs. the Benoits..uh...and Angles. that would rock my ass.

 

Which means get ready for the greatest tag title match in history...Dvon and Faarooq vs. Cena and Edge!

 

 

I always wondered how Dawn got on the top 100 list, but now i know.

 

 

EDIT: Dean, how are you handling the glaring absence of hot, sweaty man sex on Smackdown, especially without Rico?

[Guest Incandenza]

goddammit inc., don't rehash the alf story.

BAH! You cannot appreciate fine erotic literature!

[Guest DEAN RASMUSSEN]

dean's back, woohoo!

 

DR: It's good to be back...

 

and yes, hopefully they resist the urge to cram Edge in there, and give us the Gurreroes vs. the Benoits..uh...and Angles. that would rock my ass. Which means get ready for the greatest tag title match in history...Dvon and Faarooq vs. Cena and Edge!

 

DR: It's gotta be for the belt or they wouldn't force Benoit and Angle together. It so sick that I trust smackdown so much these days.

 

I always wondered how Dawn got on the top 100 list, but now i know.

 

DR: Tom K SWEARS she had good punches and could work when she was wrestling actual matches in ECWA before Titan called her up. Tom K and I have enjoyed many booze-based and otherly-based experiences in our time together but who am I to doubt young Tom.

 

EDIT: Dean, how are you handling the glaring absence of hot, sweaty man sex on Smackdown, especially without Rico?

 

DR: Farooq completely screws everything up. I'll be lucky if my loins don't explode from the newly added pressure and deprivation.

 

DEAN.

[Guest Banky]

Ron Simmons rules it

 

Thoughts of the old Faarooq Asad gimmick are overcoming me

[Guest godthedog]

i get chills just thinking about the possibility of eddie/chavo v. angle/benoit. this is some weird, weird shit...a heel v. heel feud? that's now the number one feud on smackdown? and it might lead to a 4-heel tag match?

[EL DANDY~! 0]

Lemme just say something...if it's the Mexican Tag GODS OF RUDOISM vs. YOUR CANADIAN GOD and YOUR OLYMPIC GOD, in a battle for the straps and the TRUE GOD status, I think we will see something in the vicinity of...

 

10/15/95...Oh, man. I can only imagine. Benoit Headbutt, into an Eddy Frog Splash on Benoit, and then Angle with a desperation Angle Slam on Eddy, and the EVERYBODY IS FUCKED spot will rule over you and me with glorious circumstances. I'm just waiting to see Toshiaki Benoit nail Mitsuharu Guerrero with a WILDBOMB~! for the tag belts. It will be exactly A MILLION BILLION STARS AND I WILL MARK LIKE A LITTLE BOY SEEING BREASTS FOR THE FIRST TIME IN HIS LIFE! Remember, kids, homoerotic undertones rulez j00!

[Guest Lord of The Curry]

Smackdown rolls around my neck of the woods (Toronto) on the 15th, which means I'll be seeing some good ol' Team GOD (Angle and Benoit) action, as well as Cheat To Win/Los Guerreros, and the possible team of Little Rey and Tall Edge. I have officially begun shaking with excitement.

 

Oh, DEAN, I'll eat some poutine for you, drink some beer for you, and you best fuckin believe I'll listen to some April Wine and maybe....just maybe....some Loverboy~! for you. Then after Smackdown is over I'll go curling perhaps.

 

One more thing kids: Chris Benoit is an angry, angry man. ANGRY. Don'chall ever forget it.

[Guest DEAN RASMUSSEN]

Smackdown rolls around my neck of the woods (Toronto) on the 15th, which means I'll be seeing some good ol' Team GOD (Angle and Benoit) action, as well as Cheat To Win/Los Guerreros, and the possible team of Little Rey and Tall Edge. I have officially begun shaking with excitement.

 

Oh, DEAN, I'll eat some poutine for you, drink some beer for you, and you best fuckin believe I'll listen to some April Wine and maybe....just maybe....some Loverboy~! for you. Then after Smackdown is over I'll go curling perhaps.

 

One more thing kids: Chris Benoit is an angry, angry man. ANGRY. Don'chall ever forget it.

Hey, I'll be up in Ottawa on the weekend of the 26th to see my beloved Balitmore Montreal Stallions Allouettes play the newly beloved Ottawa Renegades at venerable Frank Clair stadium and I will partake of the poutine and listen to the Voivod and Chilliwack and sacrifice mooselamps to dark ONTARION! Grim God of the True North!

 

DEAN. Who will curl at some point in his life....

[Guest DEAN RASMUSSEN]

It will be exactly A MILLION BILLION STARS AND I WILL MARK LIKE A LITTLE BOY SEEING BREASTS FOR THE FIRST TIME IN HIS LIFE! Remember, kids, homoerotic undertones rulez j00!

You never forget your first breasts... no you don't. Wait....

 

DEAN.

[Guest Goodear]

- Eddy and Chavo vs Mark Henry and Rikishi has Eddy motherfucking Guerrerro in it and you and I both motherfucking love that. Yes we do.

 

Not to mention Chavo has rapidly become an almost sneakier version of Eddie with less high spots. He's like totally amazing now with how quickly he can attack someone when their back is turned (which as we all know is the best time to do it). Chavo's going to be a tag team player for the next generation... the Tully Blanchard of his age.

 

Eddy and Chavo play the little fella card and THEY CHEAT LIKE MOTHERFUCKERS! and you can barely contain yourself. Eddy avoids Rikishi's giant spewing poo cannon early and Mark Henry tags in and- c'mon- it's Mark Henry, but he was perfectly fine taking the Guerrerro ass-stomp, selling the leg for a second there.

 

Oh man, Mark Henry is so bad that even TWO Guerreros can't make him look good. I mean, sweet Jesus. But at least he's willing to know his role and tap out like a tapping machine and go home.

 

- Matt Hardy fucking rules it. Undertaker's punches suck. The legdrop off the apron was really nice though. Matt bumps like a fucking PSYCHO for UT and that's about all you can ask for to make the lump called UT look presentable. Matt and some other non-Undertaker wrestler should have an actual brawl-based fued because Matt bumping through the crowd is MAGIC.

 

Man, if Faarooq was a face right now, he'd beat the fuck out of Hardy like a beast, and everyone would love it until Hardy somehow cheated his ass off to win. Ron always looked convincing stomping people.... Ooo! Maybe Finley could come out of retirement for a match and just turn Matt into a fine paste for the mortal sin of waking up that day. It would rule.

 

- Jamie Noble is your Peckerwood Jesus and Nidia REALLY needs to have one small braid with a feather in it amidst her crimped locks. She should also get one of those brown floppy suede hats. Noble as Redneck Benoit vs Crash as Wacky Benoit is fun in the ring, if a bit pedestrian on this night. The counter out of the Styles Clash was nice.

 

Man, these guys didn't work well together at all. I think cause both wanted to bump like machines but didn't have the offense to make it happen. The ending sequence was a little wobbly, and Crash's shoulders weren't on the mat while he was getting counted down. I hate when that happens.

 

- Edge thanks his Norse Canadian Gods that he can go straight from a white hot fued with superWrestling God Eddy Guerrerro to a mini-fued with Olympic Pro Wrestling Messiah Kurt Angle.

 

You know what the great part was? Angle was having an off night. He messed up Edge's face plant, totally no sold the arm work after like a minute, and his matwork was a little dull. YET ZEE MATCH, ZEE STILL RUX YUR SOX! Crazy amazing stuff.

 

Hey, Brock vs Matt falls count anywhere would fucking rule. It would be that match we conjectured about earlier.

 

I would love to see this... But the match I really want to see is Brock vs. Rey. Just to see how far Rey would go flying, and to see Brock sell ranas.... and you know he would too!

 

- Chuck and Billy as ungay faces is so not nearly as cool as gay heels. Farooq is a weird guest partner.  The match is kinda rambling but perfectly fine. Not enough to make up for my hours of pleasure while one disgraces himself in splumpy, splurty guilt-free self-emblindenment. Oh fuck you Ron Simmons. You let us all down....

 

Shit I hated this booking choice, since now I don't get to see B&C vs. Guerreros or The Pantheon and that would have ruled. Faarooq was cool though breaking out some old school bad ass and choking with the tag ropes...

 

- BENOIT WRESTLES REY MISTERIO! Benoit beats the living dogshit out of Rey Rey and Rey Rey counters by going super lucha on the Crippler and Benoit flashes back to Villano 3 schooling him on lucha lessons of his youth.

 

YES YES YES. Nothing can improve this... other than Rey's knees being better so he can get the SUPERSNAP off the rana, but I'm not Mr. Peabody and DEAN~! isn't my boy, Chuck or whatever the kid's name is.

[Guest Lord of The Curry]

Sherman. Mr.Peabody's boy was Sherman.

[EL DANDY~! 0]

In a move that will surprise nodoby, it will be DAMN OH TESTIFY~! vs. Edge/Rey in the finals...which will just piss me off to no end. I REALLY hope Heyman knows that WRESTLING=A HAPPY SMARK!!!

 

Oh, and DEAN, you'll remember them...it's OK. I feel for ya...

[Guest DEAN RASMUSSEN]

In a move that will surprise nodoby, it will be DAMN OH TESTIFY~! vs. Edge/Rey in the finals...which will just piss me off to no end. I REALLY hope Heyman knows that WRESTLING=A HAPPY SMARK!!!

 

Oh, and DEAN, you'll remember them...it's OK. I feel for ya...

Thing is, I'm so old that I actually can't remember the first breasts I ever saw in love or anger. Florida 1979 maybe?

 

IN MYYYYY DAY....

 

DEAN.