WWE SMACKDOWN WORKRATE REPORT- 10/10/2002!

[Guest DEAN RASMUSSEN]

Not the white hot glory of last week, but fine werestling show nonetheless.

 

What Worked-

 

- Matt Hardy bumps enormous for Undertaker and Undertaker really sucks here because of the fact that the nerve endings in his hand seems to be affecting him in random waves which was pretty pathetic for a guy who has been wrestling forever and this undercuts the kinda spirited brawling he was hinting at. Matt hits the fun blade-job and his effort is the sole reason for this being up here. Undertaker does sell the hand like Jerry Lewis in the postmatch skit and that's fun.

 

- Rikishi wrestles Eddy and I'm guessing that Eddy and Chavo aren't tagging tonite. This, I'm sad about. The fact that it looks like Eddy and Chavo vs Benoit nd Angle next week makes me CURSE THE SLOW CRAWL OF TIME! as I want to happen now! Y'know, Eddy is really great. Goes up big for the Somoan Drop and takes the full measure of the Manly Pungent Blow-Out And Powderburn- supplying GLOOT HOWITZER- as Rikishi has the ass- the lovely male ass- to smudge with poo on NOT ONE but TWO faces at once. God Bless America. Eddy cheats like a complete motherfucker and you and I weep tears of joy.

 

- Torrie's dad is the creepiest guy in America and I want to somehow become more like him. He is the role model to all us creepy pasty wrestling fans and we salute him and his quest to cum all over the thigh of Dawn Marie in twenty seconds. GODSPEED, Grand Al Wilson! It ain't the size of the dog in the fight, it's the speed in which you get it in and get it out! U WIN! YEAH EYAH YEEEAH BIG DADDY! U WIN!

 

- Benoit hates Angle and the seem to be putting the underlying sexual tension between Benoit and Stef on the backburner. Benoit gets all method acting and I await a Marlon Brando in Apocolypse Now performance by the end. Eddy and Chavo CHEAT AND CHEAT AND CHEAT to make Benoit hate Angle even more to undermine them for the big match next week. Heyman is a booking GOD.

 

- Nidia trying to fuck Rey Rey is absolutely beautiful. Nidia was absolutely great getting all incensed at Rey calling her a skanky skeezah in Spanish and Jamie Noble was fucking GREAT going all C*O*P*S on her afterwards when she was actin the fool towards her hot loving man. If he would have said, "Don't you ever disrespeck me in frunna my friends", I would have reveled in the perfection. "TIE-JEER-EE!" was close enough.

 

- Cena and Kidman get fed to the unstoppable awesomeness of Benoit and Angle and true lovers of the Professional Wrestling rejoice. The extended Parajas Terrible begins now and I'm in love with the fun booking. Cena and Kidman are DEEPLY the Ding Dongs in comparison to these two and Kidman opts to FUCKING DIE early to keep from looking like Cruel Connection 2 in this. Angle and Benoit trying to outdo each other while beating the living shit out of Cena and Kidman was MARVELOUS- the smacking, the pointing, the hating, the kicking. Welcome to my wrestling bliss. The dickish tags are FUCKING GOLD. and I can only hope that they have a three year run as tag champs, hating each other the whole time- smacking each other in the heads, snaking each other's finishers, having so much ass-stomp in them that they can not work together and still win. Kidman becomes Randy Mulkey to Cena's... shit, who was the other Mulkey? Angle crushes his shoulder into the ringpost and Cena gets the Thunderfoot Gene Ligon flurry of offense in his House A Fire Moment and Kidman hits the SSP and Angle drags him off for the save and they set up Benoit and Angle having the funnest squash win ever- as they cannot lose no matter how had they try to. It's fucking brilliant. I am completely torqued about Juggernaut Of Mutual Loathing walking into the buzzsaw of cheating that is the Guerrerros next week.

 

- The Mattitude piece was absolutely beautiful. I fought back tears. He welcomed ME to the Mattitude.

 

- Tajiri and Lesnar as a tagteam is EVERYTHING I love about a good tag tournament. If they force Lesnar and Tajiri to continue being a tagteam, it would rule. The match itself is fun because Lesnar does the Strongman beginning before bumping like a PSYCHO for no apparent reason. They edit some blown spot and they start beating the shit out of Rey Rey. The psychology is fun as Tajiri fucks up big while trying to impress Brock. The rest is pretty much like you would expect. Tajiri and Lesnar the tagteam is too fun to leave alone after this match is over. Lesnar is a fucking bump freak. That was awesome.

 

- Mark Undertaker pretending to talk to Sarah Undertaker on the phone reminded me of Fred Dryer acting. It was just THAT funny. It's odd that Sarah no-sells Lesnar flinching at her but sells the Painted up Floozy set-up like Steamboat selling at Figure Four. I've dealt with an astoundingly pregnant wife three times and actually, it all makes sense now. Scratch this whole section.

 

- The Eddy and Chavo skit hijinx was WCW-DDP-Jumping-David- Sullivan-with-sound-effects level horrible but works because it leads up to the match next week and then goes straight into Dawn Marie fixing on accepting the spongy, sweaty blast of Al Wilson. I know i'm spent thinking about a nubile, plastically enhanced quasi-stripper rolling in ecstacy with Al Wilson's pasty white old man ass heaving in and out for a few minutes in the back of Al's Taurus. U GO AL! FUCK HER! FUCK HER GOOD! WOOOOOOOOOO HOOOOOOO!

 

What Didn't work-

- You know that move Kidman does- where he counters a powerbomb in every match. That spot SUCKS DICK. hey. Hey Kidman. THAT SUCKS DICK! STOP DOING IT. IT SUCKS. SUCKS. SUCK.

 

- Lesnar comes out and Taz outs Heyman and suddenly Smackdown is great in whole new ways. Awesome! Heyman brings out one of UT's rats and HEYMAN IS IN ECW OVERDRIVE! This sucked though because we find out that UT didn't really fuck her and we didn't get pictures and she wasn't a midget taking the Deadman's hogleg like a midget rat would or anything.

 

- Billy Gunn vs D-Von wasn't gonna hold up to the wrestling gold that makes up the rest of the show. The wrestling was perfectly fine and I dig the singles matches setting up tag matches and the Billy

Gunn neck-breaker armdrag was fun- though his punches SUCKED tonight. D-Von's punches were nice and the outside interference was okay. BUT. I'm still irreconcilably pissed at Farooq for fucking us all over and no longer being our Defender Of Masturbation. To hell with all that, you bastard, OUR LOINS ARE ABOUT TO EXPLODE!

- Dawn Marie vs Torrie REALLY paled in comparison to my main homey Clint's bachelor party last Saturday- when we went to the Platinum Club on Mc Tavish and Norfolk St. I live in Virginia and they had-g-strings and pasties so NOONe should ever lose to our strip clubs. But it did so it doesn't work. Taz makes with the bad jokes and doesn't actually seem to spouting semen into double breasted suit, which sucks. It goes nowhere and they don't even show Dawn Marie going backstage and fucking Torrie's dad! DO THESE IDIOTS EVEN KNOW WHAT PEOPLE WANT TO SEE? DO THEY!?!? WE WANT OLD MEN MOUNTING YOUNG IMPLANT-BREASTED YOUNG WOMEN! WE WANT CLOSE-UPS OF IT!! INFRA-RED FOOTAGE! C'MON! GET WITHIT! Oh wait, the commercial is over and THEY BRING THE PAY-OFF! Allright. Still didn't work though. Cameras in the hotel room will make it work! MAKE IT WORK! YEAH! WE HAVE 11 MINUTES!

THERE YOU HAVE IT.

 

DEAN RASMUSSEN.

 

*

[Guest RavishingRickRudo]

It's a catch 22.

 

I find that the worse the smackdown, the better the workrate reports. I don't know which one to choose... I... Just... Don't... know...

 

DEAN, I am going to see Benoit/Angle vs. Chavo/Eddie live...

 

... Jealous?

[Guest DEAN RASMUSSEN]

It's a catch 22.

 

I find that the worse the smackdown, the better the workrate reports. I don't know which one to choose... I... Just... Don't... know...

 

DEAN, I am going to see Benoit/Angle vs. Chavo/Eddie live...

 

... Jealous?

Aw man, you suck! I'm assuming that that would rock.

 

DEAN.

[Guest Mulatto Heat]

- You know that move Kidman does- where he counters a powerbomb in every match. That spot SUCKS DICK. hey. Hey Kidman. THAT SUCKS DICK! STOP DOING IT. IT SUCKS. SUCKS. SUCK.

Thank you. Thank you. Thank you.

 

That spot is so contrived and he's been doing it for years. It's like that stupid move Bob Holly does where he hangs someone on the ropes and then kicks them in the gut. Really retarded.

[Guest RavishingRickRudo]

I was really hoping for a stiff benoit powerbomb... But then I realized it was kidman and that ain't happenin...

[Rob E Dangerously 0]

Chavo and Eddie rock my world

 

this is just fun fun stuff

 

just like with that I did once with the great California Love (Shawn Lane, Robert Falken). They beat some team because they caused them to distrust each other. Also because they used the tights and ropes for the win. CaliLove rocks.. to quote them..

 

"California Love never had to use drugs to succeed or for a cheap high. I know that stoners are VERY violent people and if you disrupt them during their inhalation of dangerous fumes called marijuana, they might kill you where you stand. I've never met a mellow and non-violent stoner, those people just don't exist." - Shawn Lane

 

"Stoners like Joint Pride have to be stopped before they corrupt our children. We all know that in a third world nation like Canada, the Joint Chiefs of Stash are admired by many people and in the last week Marijuana use in Canada by Children up to 14 years old increased one thousand percent." - Rob Falken

 

All that marked a time in wrestling where the heels catchphrase was 'Winners don't do drugs!'

 

The only people who rule more than CaliLove are Los Guerreros. Eddy and Chavo.

 

Long live the Guerreros

[Guest Smell the ratings!!!]

Dean's report is always amazing, but I can only pick out one line per week.

 

and our winner...

 

I am completely torqued about Juggernaut Of Mutual Loathing walking into the buzzsaw of cheating that is the Guerrerros next week.

 

those should be the official team names in my opinion. Give them a little graphic and everything.

 

Honorable mention to "Implant-breasted women"

[EL DANDY~! 0]

- Torrie's dad is the creepiest guy in America and I want to somehow become more like him. He is the role model to all us creepy pasty wrestling fans and we salute him and his quest to cum all over the thigh of Dawn Marie in twenty seconds. GODSPEED, Grand Al Wilson! It ain't the size of the dog in the fight, it's the speed in which you get it in and get it out! U WIN! YEAH EYAH YEEEAH BIG DADDY! U WIN!

 

Greatest. Paragraph. Currently.

 

And on the ABSOLUTELY GODLINESS that will be La Paraja Terrible against LOS RUDOS GUERREROS~!, I assume they give the motherfucker 20 minutes. Yes, that makes sense. Of course, they could have saved this pairing for No Mercy, have Benoit cost him and Angle the match, Angle locks in the Anklelock, bing bang boom, you got yourself a RED HOT MUTHAFUKKIN FEUD on your hands, and we get to see even MORE Face Angle vs. Chris Benoit:Crippling Assassin. Benoit needs to bring back the WILDBOMB NOW!!! RIGHT FUCKING NOW! Oh, and DEAN. What must I do to scam the shit on the upcoming DVDVR? It would be might keen of ya...

[Guest Nater]

"Eddy cheats like a complete motherfucker and you and I weep tears of joy."

 

Eddy and Chavo's work is turning into JFK kinda tricky...

[Guest tombstone]

Actually a lo more entertaining than the weeks TV.....staire is king in the land of the incomopetent writers.

Or Benoit, whatever.

[Guest DEAN RASMUSSEN]

And on the ABSOLUTELY GODLINESS that will be La Paraja Terrible against LOS RUDOS GUERREROS~!, I assume they give the motherfucker 20 minutes.

 

DR: God, I think my mind would split open if that happened. I want them to do the Edge/Angle double match like last week and the cage match.

 

Yes, that makes sense. Of course, they could have saved this pairing for No Mercy, have Benoit cost him and Angle the match, Angle locks in the Anklelock, bing bang boom, you got yourself a RED HOT MUTHAFUKKIN FEUD on your hands, and we get to see even MORE Face Angle vs. Chris Benoit:Crippling Assassin. Benoit needs to bring back the WILDBOMB NOW!!! RIGHT FUCKING NOW!

 

DR: Well, if he starts feuding with Eddy- you know Eddy is deeply not afraid to lean into whatever ass-stomp Benoit is bringing- especially hellish powerbombs.

 

Oh, and DEAN. What must I do to scam the shit on the upcoming DVDVR? It would be might keen of ya...

 

DR: Well, so far we have the really great cover. MUST.... WRITE... DEATH VALLEY DRIVER......

 

DEAN.

[Guest Brian]

Eddie vs. Benoit is what we need right now.

 

BTW, nice cover Dean for the DVDVR.