Keith's Raw Rant

[Guest Your Olympic Hero]

If anyone could cut & paste Keith's Raw rant, it'd be appreciated. I can't get onto 411 Wrestling or Smarks.com

[Guest The Czech Republic]

I tihnk the site is down, I keep getting redirected to MSN Search

[Guest BionicRedneck]

neither can I.

[Guest Leena]

Thank me by admiring my inner beauty.

 

The SmarK RAW Rant For October 14 2002

Posted By Scott Keith on 10.14.02

The SmarK RAW Rant for October 14, 2002, Eh?

 

- Live from Montreal, PQ. This of course prompts me to announce that today is Canadian Thankgiving, eh? So your theme for today is the things that I’m grateful for as a Canadian. The first thing is Strange Brew, which I, like, picked up on DVD yesterday. It’s beauty, eh? Speaking of DVDs, I’m now doing DVD reviews for 411’s new movie section, beginning with my review of Def Leppard’s Classic Albums DVD for “Hysteria”.

 

- Your hosts are that knob JR and the King.

 

- Opening match, World tag titles: Hurri-Kane v. Christian & Chris Jericho. Christian’s back in his heel tights after doing the Edmonton house show with his normal outfit. That’s another thing I’m thankful for: Chris Jericho, the first ever Undisputed champion of the World. When he’s at a show in Canada, they chant FOR Fozzy. Great house show, by the way, although $50 a ticket is getting a little ridiculous. Booker punks out Jericho before the match, leaving Christian, Christian, now he’s on his own. That song works on so many levels. Hurricane gets a Shining Wizard for two. Jericho manages to make it into the ring, but Kane dumps him onto Christian on the floor. Hurricane follows them out with a plancha, and gets two on Christian back in. Kane misses an elbow, but he no-sells his own miss and sends Christian crashing into Jericho for two. Hurricane comes in and gets pounded on the outside by Jericho, and back in it’s a suplex and Christian stomps away. Man, that arena is DARK. Hurricane comes back with a Buff Blockbuster, hot tag Kane. He boots everyone and gets a sideslam on Jericho, and goes up with a flying lariat. Christian gets dumped and Jericho gets choked out, but Christian uses ref distraction to go low, and Jericho gets the missile dropkick for two. Kane comes back and tosses Hurricane onto Jericho for two. Kane tries to KILL Christian just like he KILLED Katie whatever, leaving Jericho and Hurricane alone in the ring. Hurricane gets a cradle for two, but Jericho reverses for the completely clean pin and the titles at 6:50. If someone figures out the point of putting the belts on Kane & Hurricane in the first place, drop me a line. Real bland and boring match. ½*

 

- The next thing I’m thankful for: Poutine. It’s fries! It’s cheese curd! It’s gravy! What’s not to love?

 

- Meanwhile, Jerichristian gets put into a match with Black Gold for the PPV.

 

- Al Snow v. Lance Storm. Speaking of Storm, I’m thankful that I don’t live in Calgary. Storm attacks to start and gets a kick to the head, and necksnaps him on the top rope. He springboards back in but gets caught with a powerslam as Snow & Storm sell a double-KO at like 0:30 in. Storm pounds Snow as Regal joins us at ringside. Snow gets the headbutts and a suplex, and he’s on fire! Well, maybe he’s smoldering. He stops to chase Regal, but Storm rolls through a bodypress for two. Regal trips Snow up and gives Storm the Power of the Punch, but Snow knocks them away, only to get Stormkicked at 3:06. Um, yeah. ½*

 

- Meanwhile, Victoria reveals her BIG SECRET! Trish stole her spot as a WWE Diva! I’m also thankful that Trish is Canadian.

 

- Oh man, Kane killed Pete Rose, too! It’s right there on tape!

 

- Meanwhile, Bischoff meets up with Spike, Jeff and RVD. We get highlights of TLC from last week, which reminds me: I’m thankful for universal health care. Jeff and Spike basically serve no purpose in this skit. Bischoff gives RVD a match with Flair, which is pretty much out of nowhere after forgetting about their issue for weeks after Unforgiven. Bischoff makes a Canadian lumberjack match between RVD & HHH tonight. So you give away the rematch for the title in order to set up a meaningless midcard match at the PPV?

 

- Meanwhile, HHH and his wacky sidekick Ric Flair ponder the implications of the Canadian Lumberjack match and do some plotting. HHH decides to spill the beans on Kane if he won’t confess.

 

- Jeff Hardy v. Rico. Man, the gay jokes are just TOO easy here. Rico attacks with his jacket to start, but Jeff dumps him. Railrunner FINALLY hits, which is the first time in like 6 months, and they head back in. Rico hammers away in the corner, and gets a spinkick for two. They slug it out in the corner and Rico gets his jumping kick for two. The crowd has a funny thing going where they yell “two!” when the ref signals that indeed it was only two. Jeff comes back with a guillotine on the apron and “hits” his corkscrew for TWO! Rico gets a seated dropkick for TWO! I love bored crowds sometimes. Jeff finishes with the swanton at 3:13. Like I care. ½*

 

- Meanwhile, Kane is all riled up and looks ready to KILL Hurricane. He just wants to be left alone. You know who else wanted to be left alone? The UNABOMBER! And you know what other identity Kane used? UNABOMB! He’s a mass murderer! Terri, psychiatric jobber to the stars, advises Kane to face his demons and air his problems in public. Man, that’s SO not what I learned in psychology. Hope he’s not paying for that advice.

 

- Kane comes out for the soap opera portion of our show. Katie Vick is indeed dead, but he didn’t kill her. They were friends 10 years ago when Kane was first wrestling, which makes absolutely no sense because in storyline terms he didn’t debut until 1997. Kane tells a touching story about driving her home one night and not being familiar with a stick shift, and thus getting into a car accident and breaking his arm. The crowd is so moved that they chant “What” during the dramatic pauses. He said he was sorry to her parents, even though he didn’t learn to speak until 1999. And not familiar with a stick shift? Wasn’t he in a mental institution at the time? The crowd completely turns on this nonsense, and HHH interrupts to accuse Kane of driving drunk. THIS IS RETARDED. So is he Kane, half-brother of the Undertaker or Glen Jacobs, a guy playing a character? Oh, and the autopsy revealed that Kane was banging Katie at the time. The question is whether he’s a rapist or a necrophiliac. I thought Tori took his virginity in 1999? How the hell are you supposed to suspend your disbelief even a little bit when they can’t even decide if Kane is a hideously scarred freak or just a guy playing a role? And don’t KIDS watch this stuff? Kinda makes you long for well-thought out and sensible storylines of Vince Russo. And how does this make me want to see the match? I mean, at this point I’d take Kane giving HHH a ride home in a car with a stick shift after a few beers. If I wasn’t recapping this show, I’d be outta here at this point and watching the hockey game. That’s another thing I’m thankful for: Having hundreds of hockey games a year to watch on free TV. And no necrophiliacs and rapists to be found. Maybe some drunk drivers, though, if Fleury is playing.

 

- And now let’s bring out the women after that charming storyline twist! Hopefully Kane won’t kill them all in a drunk driving accident and then try to fuck their dead bodies. So they throw a necrophiliac/rapist angle out there in the previous segment, and then we’re just supposed to go “Yay! Puppies!”

 

- Molly & Victoria v. Trish & Jackie. Stacy is YOUR special referee. Jackie tosses Molly around to start, and then gets a double headscissors on both of them. Trish comes in with a clothesline and slugs away. Trish gets caught in the corner and Victoria slingshots in for two. Victoria gets the most ridiculously complicated backbreaker ever, and Molly tries a handspring and misses. Hot tag Jackie, who no one gives a crap about, and she sideslams Molly for TWO! Trish gets dumped by Victoria and they brawl, as Jackie gets a spinkick on Molly for one, and Stacy injures her shoulder and can’t count. Molly rolls her up but gets shoved into Stacy in a ridiculously terrible spot, and another ref runs in to count the pin on Molly at 3:56. Gimme a break. ¼*

 

- Bischoff is out to assure us that necrophiliac rapist or no, Kane will be at No Mercy to compete for a fake wrestling title. Bischoff brings out Pat Patterson to celebrate the history of the IC title. Patterson parles le francais, but Bischoff asks him to speak English. Another thing I’m thankful for: I can refresh my French merely by reading cereal boxes and the handy reversible covers of my butchered Alliance Atlantis DVDs, even if it does take another three weeks for them to come to Canada as a result. Bischoff gives us a series of soundbites covering the history of the IC title, including OwenDriver ’97, The Rock Thinks You Should Fire Him, Belt Overboard, Chyna As Champion, and then a bunch of meaningless clips of the guys who had the belt for like 3 days combined. Oh, and it’s a 3 minute warning for Patterson to boot. Gerald Brisco saves, and I hope to everything that is holy that we don’t have to sit through Rozie & Jamal v. Brisco & Patterson at the PPV as a result of this. “This is absolutely hideous!” declares JR. I love shoot comments that yada yada yada. Big Show, who is apparently a babyface now, makes the save, along with D-Lo Brown. They’re really reaching now.

 

- Meanwhile, Al Snow and Chris Nowinski reminisce about Tough Enough, and Chris gives him no love.

 

- Chris Nowinski v. Tommy Dreamer. Dreamer gets a drop toehold to start as JR & King continue talking about the insipid Kane/HHH feud. They miss punches by a mile and Nowinski whips him into the corner, but gets hit with a spinebuster for TWO! Still funny. Dreamer gets a neckbreaker for TWO! Piledriver is blocked, and Nowinski gets a spinebuster of his own. Man, can these guys work main event style or what? Chris grabs the kendo stick, but stops to point at Snow and gets put into the Tree of Woe as a result. Snow stops Dreamer from getting the cane, and Nowinski gets his slam thing for the pin at 2:41. Sloppy and bad. ¼*

 

- Meanwhile, HHH is just giving the facts, but Terri thinks it’s a bit convenient. If THAT’S the only thing bothering her about this storyline, she’s dumber than I thought. HHH’s new catchphrase appears to be “Kane is a murderer”. And is it Katie Fick or Katie Vick? Another thing I’m thankful for: The freedom to spell things either the British way (with extra u’s and reversed er/re endings) or the American way. HHH walks out of frame and we fade, but he interrupts with “And another thing…” to hype the match tonight, thus showing that he won’t even put over the commercial breaks.

 

- The MEANEST PROMO EVER announces that the Anthology CD is coming Nov 12…by airing Bret Hart’s silhouette and music. EVIL.

 

- Randy Orton comes out to announce that he tore his shoulder last week, and he’s so driven and gosh darn swell that he’ll be back in 3 months. Okay, now they’re REALLY being obvious with the “Reverse heel turn” stuff. Like CRZ said on his board, the turn worked with Rocky because the crowd dictated the direction and the booking followed. This is the opposite. They go completely over the top by posting an e-mail address for “Get Well Randy” ([email protected]) as the crowd turns on him and does the “goodbye” song. This crowd is awesome in all the ways that this show is not. They’re creative (witness the “Two!” stuff), energetic (unlike Kane and HHH) and internally consistent with their chants (unlike, say, the necrophiliac-rapist angle). Huzzah for the crowd! That’s another thing I’m thankful for: Awesome Canadian wrestling crowds.

 

- Falls Count Anywhere: Booker T v. Big Show. Show tosses Booker around, having apparently no-sold his own face turn earlier in the night and gone heel again, and Booker hits the floor. They fight into the crowd and Show gets a TWO!-count over by the entrance. We do an EXTREMELY obvious cut to a pre-taped backstage bit, as the crowd noise suddenly dies. I once again remind you that the “last” hardcore match was weeks ago. Show keeps pounding Booker, but kicks the wall my mistake and gets hit with a fire extinguisher for TWO! Axe kick gets TWO! They fight into the women’s locker room, where Booker goes low and chases him into the shower, where he gets TWO! Jericho lays out Booker with a chairshot for the pin at 5:20. The usual hardcore junk. DUD Jericho gets minor points for hitting on a towel-clad Trish, but not enough to pull this show out of the dregs.

 

- Meanwhile, HHH & Flair lock the babyface lumberjacks into the dressing room with the old “forklift in front of the door” trick. HHH actually did the same thing to Vince McMahon in September ’99, thus showing that he should ask Santa for a new evil plan. Maybe he should watch Bond movies or something for inspiration.

 

- Canadian Lumberjack Match: HHH v. RVD. It’s all heels around the ring, thus making this a lumberjerk match. Rob ends up on the floor and gets whipped, and HHH beats on him back in. Rob comes back, but gets tossed again and beaten down. Back in, HHH gets two. A guy holds up a sign that says “Beer”, thus reminding me to be thankful for Canadian beer. HHH ends up outside and gets moral support from the lumberjacks, so RVD hits everyone with a dive. HHH baseball slides him into another beating, however. Back in, HHH gets TWO! And TWO! And TWO! He pounds away in the corner. Backbreaker gets TWO! The crowd is more amusing than the match. They head up top and the crowd starts getting on Earl Hebner for fun. Superplex gets TWO! This match is dying. I mean, call in ER, MDs, Scrubs and Dr. Weiner, because we need 50CCs of SOMETHING HAPPENING, stat! HHH goes to the abdominal stretch and the crowd is so rapt with attention that they chant for Bret again. Well, geez, they’ve been dropping his name all night, what did they expect? Rob comes back with a spinkick as the crowd switches to “This show sucks!” God bless this crowd. Rob makes the comeback with Rolling Thunder for TWO! KICK WHAM, but Rob reverses the Pedigree and gets a leg lariat. He goes up and gets crotched, and ends up on the floor for a beating. Booker T brings the babyface lumberjacks out for reinforcements, and everyone brawls outside as Rob gets a missile dropkick and frog splash. Ah, but there’s no ref, and Flair, to the shock of EVERYONE, hits Rob with the belt and HHH gets the pin at 10:35. When it rains shit, it pours shit. Kiss your main event aspirations goodbye, Rob. Match sucked. * Kane makes a dramatic comeback (and who would ever expect a babyface to make a surprise return after they’ve said a million times that he’s left the building?) and chokeslams everyone back to Jobberville. This goes on and on as Kane no-sells everything and JR has a coronary. “Kane is back!” Um, when did he leave? Speaking of leaving, I’m outta here, and I’m thankful that I don’t have to watch this anymore this week.

 

The Bottom Line:

 

To coin a phrase from one of my readers tonight, just call this shit “RAWful”. Even if the bad wrestling didn’t kill this shithole of a show, introducing a necrophilia/rape angle is enough to kill any show.

 

But I loved the crowd. So there’s your positive thing for the week.

 

Happy Thanksgiving!

[Guest The Czech Republic]

Thanks a ton Alina, I truly do admire your inner beauty by the way.

[Guest BifEverchad]

when did Alina change her name?

[EL DANDY~! 0]

HHH walks out of frame and we fade, but he interrupts with “And another thing…” to hype the match tonight, thus showing that he won’t even put over the commercial breaks.

 

That is pretty damn funny...not DEAN funny, but pretty damn funny...HHH IS bigger than TV!!!

[Rob E Dangerously 0]

Don't read Keith. Bps smoked him with the Smarks comments.

 

I was quoted three times three times three times!

 

so, Christian's "At Last You're on your own" theme is played during a tag team match? –RobEDangerously (9:06 pm)

 

Rocket Launcher, It's the Midnight Express!

 

except that Bobby never KILLED Katie Fick! –RobEDangerously (9:12 pm)

 

Pat Patterson came out on top of 16 men in Rio that night in 1979 –RobEDangerously (10:13 pm)

 

Next week: I plan to get four quotes!

[Guest cobainwasmurdered]

That’s another thing I’m thankful for: Having hundreds of hockey games a year to watch on free TV. And no necrophiliacs and rapists to be found. Maybe some drunk drivers, though, if Fleury is playing.

 

Mocking Theo Is cool.

[EL DANDY~! 0]

Theo...man oh man...from 50 goal scorer to rehab...

[Guest Smell the ratings!!!]

when did Alina change her name?

Alina turned heel. I think her brutal showdown with Kournikova may have pushed her over the edge.

[EL DANDY~! 0]

Alina would whoop Anna's ass...and I'd DEFINITELY watch.

[Guest Leena]

Don't read Keith. Bps smoked him with the Smarks comments.

 

I personally think bps sucks very much.

 

Read Scoot Keth~!

[EL DANDY~! 0]

Here it comes...bps vs. SCOTT KEITH. WHO WILL WIN~!???

[Rob E Dangerously 0]

If I turn heel, will my name get spaces and become Rob E. DANGEROUSLY?

[Guest Midnight Express83]

BPS is good, but Kieth has a following of a cult leader plus 2 books and his own site. BPS is just a soild writer of a website that only those on this website know about. So Keith has that edge.

 

But they are both good in their own unique ways.

[Guest notJames]

I'd take SKeith, plus the points... mostly because he's a fellow countryman. And his love of Canadian wrestlers isn't as overwhelming as AS's love of a certain depushed comedy wrestler

 

Yeah, the quotes are cute, but CRZ already has that covered.