WWE WORKRATE REPORT 10/17/2002!

[Guest DEAN RASMUSSEN]

It`s 6:30 in the morning and if ya get up early enough, the massive dose of Steel Reserve won`t git ya and you don`t get the STEEL RESERVE IS THE BOOZEWHORE YOU SETTLED FOR hangover. I figured the theme of this report would spouting off random lyrics from my favorite songs about getting drunk. Meanwhile, my adorable six year old daughter made a halloween ghost out of elmers glue and buttons on wax paper yesterday and is kissing me on the cheek with it. Must... rehydrate....

 

WHAT WORKED-

 

- YOU LOOKED JUST LIKE AN ELVIS FROM HELL! My heart is broke so I`M GOIN TO HELL! Bury me way down deep in hell. I WAS TOO DRUNK MAN I WANNA GO TO HELL! The Edge/Rey Rey team worked really well with Ron Simmons. Ron went super powerful against Rey Rey and that made Edge`s Spear look actually powerful for once. D-Von was perfectly fine and I really dug the nine step finish. I have officially begun to despise the 619 MORRRRRRRRR-TALLLLLLLLLLL~! (Roll your Rs in your mind). Edge is the best wrestler in the world to own the shittiest offense. His dropkicks were nice.

 

- Red Hot MAMA! Velvet charmer, time for you to pay your dues! Eddy was absolutely motherfucking motherfucking AWESOME in the psychotic psuedo-rage yelling at Benoit. The Benoit segments where they remake BEING THERE with Peter Sellers- where Benoit just stands there and the world unfolds for him while he passively stands there- is fucking WRESTLING GOLD. Eddy cuts the PROMO~! of the year. Heyman is a genius.

 

- When I woke up this morning and turned my head there won`t a cotton picking thing on her side oif the bed. She put a little old note where her head belonged- it SAID DEAR JOHN HONEY BABY I`M LONG GONE! Funaki interveiwing Nidia was fucking beautiful just because you AUDIBLY HEAR Tajiri popping all kinds of wood as the plastic pants stretch out of shape in his groinular area while holding Nidia back from Noble. That`s entertainment. The match itself was a good testament to Fit Finlay the trainer and the carrying ability of Jamie Noble- who was motherfucking perfect in his selling and execution- making Nidia look really great in the ring and also telling a neat story with his selling in three minutes. Noble vs Tajiri will be fun, but I was hoping they would get more mileage out of having Tajiri dressed as preposterously as he was.

 

- DON`T TELL ME ANYTHING ABOUT THE CIVILIZED WORLD BABY- It`S JUST YOU AND ME! Chuck Palumbo looked motherfucking GREAT and Brock Lesnar (or if you go by the t-shirt- BROCK DANZIG!) is becoming a motherfucking GOD. Brock leans into the superkicks like a motherfucking KING! The duelling Kanemoto Belly-to-Belly Suplexes were absolutely SWANK. Lesnar does the fucking GREAT Johnny Valentine US Strong Style again with the non-roperunning ass-beat Into The Grounded Bearhug and I fucking party and freeak-out. Brock needs to go to Japan for a tour and conquer Japan also. He is getting sooooo good at this point. I want Brock vs Chuck best of 57 series.

 

- Undertaker is so hilarious as the tiny headed sad sack trying to convionce his wife that he isn`t porking leathery and squinty strippers. Me -n- mulDOOMSTONE make each other spit beer out of our mouths making Jerry Lewis sounds while UT rambles on about all the girls he`s fucked. HOYVIN GLAVINE! I`m SORRY, PRETTY LADY! OYV, I couldn`t control it and now... it`s getting little again... guuulllloyvin...

 

- Matt Hardy is the gentleman while my sangre Rikishi is taking swings at Dawn Marie- what kind of babyface is that? I TOLD YOU DAWN MARIE COULD SORTA WORK. Her kicks were actually good. And she has a MUCH finer ass than Torrie Wilson. Matt Hardy is fucking beautiful in this, working for seven and he also gets the Odd Wood as Torrie Bait`s and Switches her keister with Rikishi`s enoumous and beautiful Fleshy Mounds Of Poo Induction- it`s too late for Matt who has already gotten the mechanics of his boner in action and there is no way he can separate the pleasure of Rikishi`s ass before he realizes that he`s been tricked into loving the sweet touch of another man`s sweet embrace while thinking he was getting Torie`s pedestrian fat ass. It is a bittersweet feeling as Matt enters a new world of sensual feelings. Will he feel remorse or will he BE A MAN AND REVEL IN IT?

 

- BABY PLEASE~ I CAN`T TAKE IT ANYMORE! I`m TAKING WHISKEY TO THE PARTY TONIGHT AND I`M LOOKING FOR SOMEBODY TO SQUEEZE! You are Al Wilson. You are fucking Dawn Marie in the shower. You are a genius because the shower covers up the fact that lil benny threw up all over your pants at the first site of Dawn Marie`s naked shoulder. Torrie being upset by this is really stupid. Her dad is trying to get his feelings of manliness back after putting them aside to be a father and husband. Now he has to start nailing young chicks to FEEL ALIVE AGAIN! YOU GO AL! DON`T LISTEN TO TORRRIE! YOU ARE BORN ANEW! YOU ARE A SEMEN-SPEWING PHOENIX RISING FROM YOUR OWN SEXUAL ASHES! YOU ARE OUR ROLE-MODEL AND HERO!

 

- The Main Event was fucking BEAUTIFUL. Benoit and Angle are MAGIC and the crowd goes apeshit for Angle and Eddy feels it and goes completely Villano 3 rudo as a motherfucker. Benoit goes fucking crazy with the suplex-drenched ass-stomp and the Steel Reserve kicks completely in by the time the chair spots hit. Chavo- God bless him- gets soooooo smoked by everybody but is completely game about being beaten to death and getting out of the way of Eddy. This is wrestling you don`t get anywhere else on earth and you should thank your lucky motherfucking stars that it`s on your free TV. I know I do.

 

- Brock does a bladejob in comparable beauty to Hardy`s old school bladejob of last week. His speed and coverage was akin to someone twice his experience. He is a keeper.

 

WHAT DIDN`t WORK-

- We went on a beer run during the Cena and Kidman match. We caught the ending. Evil Cena is as uninspiring as non-evil Cena. There. It`s not fair but I don`t care.

 

THERE YOU HAVE IT.

 

DEAN RASMUSSEN.

[Guest Nater]

One begins to ponder why you would close your eyes on a torrie stinkface, but then you think about sensory overload.. having a catatonic matt is like having no matt at all.

[Guest Spaceman Spiff]

YOU ARE BORN ANEW! YOU ARE A SEMEN-SPEWING PHOENIX RISING FROM YOUR OWN SEXUAL ASHES! YOU ARE OUR ROLE-MODEL AND HERO!

That's gold, Jerry! GOLD!

[Guest DEAN RASMUSSEN]

One begins to ponder why you would close your eyes on a torrie stinkface, but then you think about sensory overload.. having a catatonic matt is like having no matt at all.

He was all floppy and freaky- thus making the bizarre desire to act on his hinder-fetish even more creepy. Matt rules it because of his attention to such detail.

 

DEAN.

[Guest DEAN RASMUSSEN]

YOU ARE BORN ANEW! YOU ARE A SEMEN-SPEWING PHOENIX RISING FROM YOUR OWN SEXUAL ASHES! YOU ARE OUR ROLE-MODEL AND HERO!

That's gold, Jerry! GOLD!

"Spewing" has replaced the word "pungent" as my favorite word of the moment. Bear with me.

 

DEAN.

[EL DANDY~! 0]

DEAN, in your humble opinion, if you were Paul Heyman, would you push Al as the new Geriatric Godfather? I know I would, because Al Wilson is a Semen-making man...dammit...

[Guest Smell the ratings!!!]

And Dean's line of the week is....

 

You are Al Wilson. You are fucking Dawn Marie in the shower. You are a genius because the shower covers up the fact that lil benny threw up all over your pants at the first site of Dawn Marie`s naked shoulder.

 

 

honorable mention to Matt Hardy's unexpected bi-curious turn.