WTF?!?!?!

[Guest crandamaniac]

Stop the Insanity

October 25, 2002

by Kyle Maxwell

Exclusive to OnlineOnslaught.com

 

 

 

We have met the enemy, and he is us.

 

 

 

Hi folks;

 

 

 

I don't like golf.  I hate people that play golf.  I hate people that watch golf.  In short, I’m a rabid golf hater.

 

 

 

Consequently, I don't play golf.  And I don't write columns bashing golf.  And I certainly don't devote hours a week to watching golf, just so I can construct conspiracy theories about Tiger Woods "holding down" the other golfers.  And I don't go in to Trekkie Geek Mode over golf, dissecting every round in order to construct half-assed critiques for the benefit of my fellow golf haters.

 

 

 

That said, I ask this question:

 

WHY DOES SCOTT KEITH EXIST?  (Note: can you spot the perfidious lie on the cover of Scott's new book?  Here's a hint: It's the part where he describes himself as a, get this, "wrestling fan."  Scott cracks my ass up sometimes.)

 

When I first started the Smarkies, I did it because I’d started to feel like I was the only wrestling fan left on the planet.  Most of so-called “fan” sites on the net are really nothing more than festering cesspools like theSmartMarks, where sub-literate mutants congregate to regurgitate whatever idiocy they’ve read on the Torch that week.

 

Sure, there were small islands of sanity- ITVR, DrOp’s “and Marking Out” column over at Weinerville, and so on- but for the most part, I’d come to believe that most wrestling fans were sexually frustrated losers, sitting around on their ten thousand pound asses whilst clutching their hearts in homoerotic joy every time Benoit hit a groin-to-ass Suplex on Kurt Angle.

 

But a funny thing happened.  As my columns started going up, I started getting eMail.

 

Now, I get a LOT of eMail.  Not surprising, given the nature of the Smarkies.  However, what is surprising is the fact that 99.9% of the eMail I receive is positive.  In fact, I’ve only ever received two, count em’ TWO flames.  And both of them said the same thing:  “You sound like a Triple H mark.”

 

Ignoring the fact that being a mark is a GOOD thing, let’s address the specific charge.  Am I a Triple H mark?

 

Let’s look at it this way.  I picked a Raw at random from earlier this month.

 

Number of times Triple H spoke or wrestled: 3.

 

Number of times Scott Keith mentioned Triple H in his recap of said Raw: 12.

 

Oddly enough, Christian appeared more often than HHH in the episode in question, yet Scott barely mentioned Christian at all.

 

Okay, now you tell ME who's the Triple H mark.  Personally, I think Keith keeps a poster of Helmsley taped over his bed, with a quart of Jergens located nearby.

 

Over at theSmarkMarks.com (a board that’s somehow managed to attract every lunatic and gibbering moron on the net), Triple H is almost the sole topic of conversation.  Even when Helmsley gets less screen time than Trish Stratus, they go into veritable convulsions of extemporaneous vitriol every time the guy appears on the screen.

 

And what’s funny is this- from Scott Keith all the way to the most illiterate pre-teen at the Torch , (That’d be “Bruce Mitchell”, in case you were wondering) every HHH basher out there is a WAY bigger HHH Mark than I could ever dream of being.  Hell, they believe every word that comes out of his mouth!   If HHH cuts a promo saying Jericho isn’t main event material, they’re on the net in 0.2 seconds, writing these huge-assed epistles about how HHH is ‘holding Jericho down’.

 

Or, to quote Generic Torch Loser #3,653:

 

“It's almost common knowledge that Vince's daughter Stephanie and her "boyfriend", Hunter, are the ones pulling all the strings backstage at the moment.”

 

Uh, okay.  These guys have repeated the same lie so many times that they’ve actually started believing it.  Notice that not a single one of them give HHH and Stephanie credit for how great Smackdown has been recently- apparently HHH and Steph only “pull the strings” for BAD angles and matches.

 

Smell the irony:  Smarks try to tell us that HHH wants to be the sole object of attention in the WWE, and yet it’s Smarks who spend all their time thinking (and writing) about NOTHING other than Hunter Hearst Helmsley.  Hell, to hear Smarks talk, you wouldn’t even know that there’s a little show called “Smackdown” that’s not only 100% Triple H free, it’s also home of some of the finest wrestling ever shown on free TV.  Benoit, Eddy, Rey, Kurt, Noble, Kidman, Lesnar- one of the greatest lineups ever assembled, and who do geeks the "theSmartMarks" spend -all- their time obsessing over?  You guessed it- the man, the myth, Triple H.

 

Let me explain to all the Smarks out there why HHH and the Undertaker are still main eventing:  It’s because most fans like them.  Yeah, hard to deal with I know.  But see, Vince really can’t spend all his time catering to Smarks.  Since you guys are never happy anyway, it’d be a losing proposition at best.

 

The WWE makes money from three main sources.  Television, Stadium tickets, and PPVs.   You’d be surprised how little money they make from fat, bitter geeks that hate wrestling but insist on bitching about it out of some weird masochistic compulsion.

 

Now, regardless of what Smarks repeatedly try and tell us, arena crowds love Taker.  How many times have we read some Net Smark telling us how “dead” a crowd was for a Taker match, when it was obvious to anyone who was actually there (or who had the sound enabled on their television) that the crowd was actually going nuts for the guy?

 

Hell, Scott Keith just wrote an entire “No Mercy” recap devoted to telling us how stupid and wrong we are if we enjoyed Taker vs Lesnar.  Yeah Scott, it really SUCKS when wrestling fans enjoy a match, doesn’t it?  I don’t know why any of us even bother to watch- we should just read Scott Keith. That way he can tell us whether we would have enjoyed the matches or not.

 

Another charming personality quirk of Smarks is their conviction that a wrestler is only as good as his position on the card.  Ask any Smark, and he’ll tell you that it doesn’t matter at ALL that Benoit, Angle, Eddy and Rey have been having some of the best matches in the history of wrestling.  No, all that REALLY matters is that these matches aren’t consistently occurring in the last 15 minutes of the show.  Because after all, being in the middle of the card makes you “mid-card”, and god knows that being “mid-card” means your matches aren’t worth shit.

 

It’s amazing that Smarks, who constantly remind you that the “know wrestling is fake”, spend so much time worrying about who’s hold a fake title, and what part of the show wrestlers are  appearing on.  Me, I can watch Rey vs Angle and enjoy it based just on the fact that both guys are amazing athletes at the top of their games.  But not Smarks.  Nooooo.  They’ll see a Kurt/Rey match, and instead of seeing a great match, all they see is that neither guy is wearing the Championship Belt.  Or that the match is happening at the top of the second hour.  Or if all else fails, they use Scott Keith Bullshit Reason for Hating a Match #7:  They quote the elapsed match time, and then say “Too short to mean anything.”   They’d say this even if the match took six weeks and spanned all fifty states.

 

In any event, I’ll be back to quoting random smarks in next week’s edition.  For now though, I just wanted to offer a big “thank you” to the majority of wrestling fans, who watch the shows because they enjoy wrestling.  I’d also like to offer my middle finger to the creepy freaks of nature who only watch the WWE so that they’ll have something to whine about.

 

 

 

Over and out...

 

I can understand some of the reasoning behind why he said that, but there are some good conversations on here about wrestling. If he'd just get his head out of his ass, and realize that (as of lately anyways) HHH is pretty much the reason that most of us dont' watch Raw.

 

Another point is his stating that we watch wrestling for stuff to whine about. I must say that I have never purposefully watched a program just because I knew it was going to suck, just so I could say it sucked. Most of us watch because we're loyal fans who enjoy some aspect of the show, but lately they haven't been giving us a good show. Should a Yankee's fan stop watching baseball because they hate the fact that they didn't get in the world series? No way. Most of us love wrestling, and it's not too much to ask to give us something that entertains us, that's good, with high emotion and drama, not this crap they've been peddling to us.

[Guest cobainwasmurdered]

Well that's ghey...I wasn't mentioned by name.

 

BASTARD!

[Guest Kingpk]

Man, what crawled up his ass and made a condo?

 

Eh, ignore him, just someone looking to get 300 e-mails blasting him so he has an easy column to write.

 

He's taking things too seriously.

 

I think we need one of Jingus' patented DISSECTIONS OF DOOM here.

[Guest crandamaniac]

In all due respect tho, he is giving us a bit of publicity

[Guest bps "The Truth" 21]

"Let me explain to all the Smarks out there why HHH and the Undertaker are still main eventing: It’s because most fans like them. Yeah, hard to deal with I know. But see, Vince really can’t spend all his time catering to Smarks. Since you guys are never happy anyway, it’d be a losing proposition at best."

 

 

I expect a retractment when the No Mercy buyrates prove that they do not.

 

"The WWE makes money from three main sources. Television, Stadium tickets, and PPVs. You’d be surprised how little money they make from fat, bitter geeks that hate wrestling but insist on bitching about it out of some weird masochistic compulsion."

 

The WWE makes money?

 

Since when?

[Guest Anglesault]

I'm so being quoted.

[Guest CanadianChick]

This guy is an even bigger geek than we are for researching this site and dissecting people who post in it.

[Guest cobainwasmurdered]

and not mentioning me is just WRONG.

[The Dames 0]

I just sent him an email....this is what it said:

 

Hello Kyle,

 

My name is Damian Gonzalez and I am the owner of TheSmartMarks.com, a site which you critized pretty heavily in your column today. To say that you are 100% incorrect about your judgment on the site would be foolish and a total farce. However, with that said, I'd like to take the time to point out to you that our message board contains a hell of a lot more than the WWE folder, where I admit that HHH hate is pretty rampant, but you can't change opinion. I've been to the message board on OO as well as other message boards on the net and it seems to be pretty much the same, but with 1/200th of the volume because posts are few and far between. Our NWA folder has a lot of intelligent conversation as well as the other wrestling and pop culture folders that we have there.

 

For the record, wrestling fans such as myself don't hate wrestling. That is far from the case. What we do hate is when our intelligence is insulted. Most, if not all of the fans at my site want one thing and one thing only....good wrestling with logical, exciting storylines. That isn't what we are getting. Instead, what we are getting is angles involving necrophilia and dog poop and guys like The Big Show getting pushes because of size and the value of his contact instead of his wrestling skill, of which he has very little. Are we supposed to be quiet and not be upset that our favorite form of entertainment is being dumbed down for the sole purpose of trying to bring in casual fans? The very same fans which abandon wrestling the moment things don't go their way?

 

Vince McMahon likes to compare WWE programming to shows like Friends and ER, but those shows are popular because of the quality of the acting and writing. If Friends lost its quality, it would also lose viewers, but the loyal ones would stay...although they wouldn't be happy and would voice their opinion.

 

Also, if you ever took the opportunity to go to the actual site and not just the message board, you'd see that a lot of time and effort is invested in the writing of quality articles, not solely about wrestling and most certainly not about HHH hate. To make a generalization on TheSmartMarks as a whole is an insult to every single one of the writers who's ever taken the time to put up content on the site.

 

Thanks for the free publicity, by the way.

 

Damian Gonzalez

 

------------------------------------

Site Owner

 

TheSmartMarks.com

[Guest cobainwasmurdered]

...where's the part where you bitch at him for not mentioning your most important poster...me?

[Guest CanadianChick]

Good letter Dames. Think we will get a rush of new members in the next few days?

[Guest AlwaysPissedOff]

Heh, that was good for a laugh. When he writes something that isn't the usual "anti-Smark" crap and tries to make sense for more than a fourth of his column, call me.

 

I wonder if the guy will come on this board and defend what he wrote since he named us personally...

 

[The Dames 0]

Good letter Dames. Think we will get a rush of new members in the next few days?

Probably, but we'll have to weed out all of the trolls that come with a huge influx of people. Hopefully we'll get more people coming to the site as well.

 

I wanted to challenge him to post my letter in his next column, but that would have come across pretty foolish. If he responds in any way, its more free publicity anyway.

 

Dames

[Guest cobainwasmurdered]

I just sent him an Email:

 

You Call yourself a reporter? You didn't even get the facts from the guy with all the dirt on this forum! That guy is ME! How dare you not quote me? I AM the Smart Marks Forum! I AM the top Internet Personality! Not Scott Keith and certanly not that Loser Dames! ME!ME!ME!ME!

 

Sincerely,

Cobainwasmurdered

[Guest Angle-plex]

I just sent him an Email:

 

You Call yourself a reporter? You didn't even get the facts from the guy with all the dirt on this forum! That guy is ME! How dare you not quote me? I AM the Smart Marks Forum! I AM the top Internet Personality! Not Scott Keith and certanly not that Loser Dames! ME!ME!ME!ME!

 

Sincerely,

Cobainwasmurdered

No Agnes is ghey reference?

 

[Guest Anglesault]

Please, he was OBVIOUSLY referencing me.

 

"Ask any Smark, and he’ll tell you that it doesn’t matter at ALL that Benoit, Angle, Eddy and Rey have been having some of the best matches in the history of wrestling. No, all that REALLY matters is that these matches aren’t consistently occurring in the last 15 minutes of the show. Because after all, being in the middle of the card makes you “mid-card”, and god knows that being “mid-card” means your matches aren’t worth shit."

 

is almost a direct quote from me

[The Dames 0]

....That reminds me. If anyone's going to write this guy....please try to sound like you have at least a modicum of intelligence to disprove his stupid theory on us Smart Marks.

 

Dames

[Guest cobainwasmurdered]

You know I have a account at the OO message board....

[Guest cobainwasmurdered]

....That reminds me. If anyone's going to write this guy....please try to sound like you have at least a modicum of intelligence to disprove his stupid theory on us Smart Marks.

 

Dames

Are you saying i'm not intillet....Smart?

[The Dames 0]

No, I'm saying don't give him anymore fuel to add to his fire. Your mock email (or what I hope was a mock email) reminded me of that.

 

Also, don't start another "invasion" guys...

 

Dames

[Guest T®ITEC]

I won't participate in any "invasion", and use my board flooding powers(~!).. Not after DJ Jeff decided that four people coming to his board was an "invasion". Sheesh.

 

EDIT: Yes I am a model.

[Guest cobainwasmurdered]

No, I'm saying don't give him anymore fuel to add to his fire. Your mock email (or what I hope was a mock email) reminded me of that.

 

Also, don't start another "invasion" guys...

 

Dames

http://www.onlineonslaught.com/OOForums/vi...=16760#pid16760

 

I'm not invading.

[Guest Angle-plex]

No, I'm saying don't give him anymore fuel to add to his fire.  Your mock email (or what I hope was a mock email) reminded me of that.  

 

Also, don't start another "invasion" guys...

 

Dames

http://www.onlineonslaught.com/OOForums/vi...=16760#pid16760

 

I'm not invading.

::thinks about registering::

[The Dames 0]

Um....the whole "don't invade" was legit....not a subtle hint to go do so, for the record.

 

Dames

[Guest Angle-plex]

Um....the whole "don't invade" was legit....not a subtle hint to go do so, for the record.

 

Dames

Sure it wasn't.

[The Dames 0]

CWM, I read your post there....notice how the thread was made in August? It was one of the guys we banned by the way.

 

Dames

[Guest the pinjockey]

Now, I get a LOT of eMail. Not surprising, given the nature of the Smarkies. However, what is surprising is the fact that 99.9% of the eMail I receive is positive. In fact, I’ve only ever received two, count em’ TWO flames. And both of them said the same thing: “You sound like a Triple H mark.”

 

That has to be the biggest lie in the whole thing. No writer on the internet is going to get e-mail without getting flamed by morons all of the time I don't care if you are the Shakespeare of internet writers. Also, when you have to point out that you get a LOT of email you are lying and that makes you a sad little man.

[Guest AlwaysPissedOff]

CWM, I read your post there....notice how the thread was made in August? It was one of the guys we banned by the way.

 

Dames

Damn, really? Who was he?

[The Dames 0]

Shiet, I don't remember. There have been so many since August. All I know is, he made the thread, no one responded...and then a few people came to defend the board and the thread was pretty much dead until CWM posted there just now.

 

Dames

[Guest cobainwasmurdered]

Well...shut up.

 

I'm starting a thread in feedback about that article...not rude, just giving my viewpoint.