SWF Storm (Nov. 1/2002)

[Guest BA_Baracus]

The opening festivities for SWF Storm have calmed down, leaving nothing but the excited murmuring of the capacity crowd. Suddenly, all that murmuring is converted into cheering, as a Mexican voice suddenly shouts out “UNO! DOS! TRES! CUATRO!”, signaling the entrance of El Luchadore Magnifico! As “Mission Trip to Mexico” by Bunch of Believers pounds over the arena’s speakers, the man himself pops out from behind the curtain, World Title in one hand and Mexican Flag in the other. Grinning from ear to ear, ELM pauses at the top of the ramp, lifting his arms at a forty-five degree angle and creating a photo opportunity that many fans take advantage of.

 

Funyon: Ladies and gentlemen, please welcome YOUR SWF World Heavyweight Champion...El Luchadooooooorre Magnificooooooo!!

 

Stevens: There he is, folks! The man who bested Sacred at Dissention and who became the second ever 3-Time World Champ!

 

Riley: Bested?! Damn, Stevens, you make it sound like Magnifico DIDN’T win on a fluke Rollup. Oh wait, you know what? HE DID!

 

Upon hearing his name announced, Magnifico breaks his pose and quickly heads down the ramp, slapping fans’ hands as he goes. As he approaches the ring, ELM breaks into a sprint and slides beneath the bottom rope, remaining on his belly for a moment before popping back to his feet. Magnifico then leans his Mexican Flag up against the nearby turnbuckle, wraps the World Title around his waist, and walks towards the ropes closest the announce table. ELM signals for a microphone, which is quickly tossed to him by a random techie. Mike in hand, Magnifico walks back towards the center of the ring, clearing his throat before speaking.

 

“Buenos noches a todos mis amigos en Sacramento!” shouts Magnifico, drawing a pop from the Spanish-speaking section of the audience. “And good evening to all my friends in Sacramento!” Magnifico waits for the cheap pop he instigated to die down before continuing.

 

“Now, I know that you people came here to see some SWF action,” states Magnifico, “So I won’t take up too much of your time. I’m out here for one reason, and one reason alone...Sacred.”

 

The fans immediately begin booing at the mention of the Aussie’s name, and only quiet down when Magnifico raises his hand and begins speaking again.

 

“I know, I know, I hate him too.” Magnifico comments. “But regardless, I’ve got a few things to say to him. So Sacred, if you’re listening, come on out, esse. We’ve got a few things to discuss.”

 

ELM takes the mike away from his lips and waits patiently in the center of the ring, as the fans begin to boo in anticipation. After a few seconds, the booing suddenly intensifies, as the screen turns fuzzy and a “Kzzht" sound is heard in the background. Everything turns black and white, while pictures of Sacred and him doing his moves can faintly be seen in the background. After about 5 seconds of technical difficulties, the camera slowly zooms in on the entranceway. Everything is still black and white, as "Save Yourself" By Stabbing Westward kick up. Sacred walks out, microphone in hand, an incredulous, pissed off look on his face. He looks out over the booing crowd, his expression unchanging as “Save Yourself” fades out. Sacred turns his attention to Magnifico, who is staring at the Aussie from the inside of the ring.

 

“Now, Sacred,” Magnifico begins, “The reason I called you out here is-“

 

“You know what?” interrupts Sacred. “I honestly don’t give a shit as to why you called me out here, because I’ve got a few things to say of my own.”

 

The fans boo the interruption as Magnifico, in mock surprise, responds. “Oh, is that so? Well, then just go on ahead, gringo.”

 

Sacred begins to slowly pace the ring back and forth, measuring his words before bringing the microphone to his lips.

 

“It absolutely sickens me,” states Sacred, beginning on a high note, “To see you parading around in that ring, the World Title around your waist. Do you know why?”

 

Magnifico, seemingly perplexed by this question, goes into deep thought for a few seconds before answering.

 

“Oh my God, you’re right!” says Magnifico in a poorly done lisp, “This belt DOES clash with my outfit!” A few laughs float in from the crowd as Sacred, unamused as ever, simply glares at the luchadore.

 

“Cute.” Spits Sacred, obviously not finding that cute at all. “But not quite right. You see, I am sickened because in that ring, wearing the World Title, is a man I beat twice! And when this man DID manage to beat me, he did so with a complete fluke of a move and barely even managed a pinfall.”

 

Sacred’s observations draw a few boos from the crowd as Magnifico suddenly turns somber. He ponders for a few moments, then responds.

 

“You know what, Sacred?” Magnifico begins. “You’re exactly right.”

 

The arena goes silent, surprised by Magnifico’s admission. Even Sacred seems a bit shocked as ELM continues.

 

“If I’m going to be World Champion,” Magnifico declares, “Then I want to be absolutely sure that I’m the best in this Federation. And, quite frankly, I don’t know if I’m better than you.”

 

Sacred, suddenly becoming cocky, quickly responds. “Oh, you don’t know if I’m better than you? Well, I hate to break the news to you, Magnifico, but I AM better than you, and everyone here knows it.” The fans begin to boo Sacred pulling them into this as Magnifico quickly shoots back.

 

“Is that so?” Magnifico questions, amused.

 

“Yes, yes it is.” Responds Sacred, “As a matter of fact, I’m so sure of it, that I’m confident in challenging you to your very favorite type of match.” Sacred grins as the fans begin to cheer in anticipation.

 

“Really?” asks Magnifico, suddenly becoming interested.

 

“Yes, really!” respond Sacred, annoyed by ELM’s short responses.

 

“So, let me get this straight.” Says Magnifico, “You, want to challenge me, for the World Title...in a Ladder Match?”

 

The fans immediately release a loud pop as ELM finishes, their hopes confirmed by the luchadore.

 

“You’re damn right I do.” Confirms Sacred, still grinning. Magnifico pauses for a moment, thinking to himself as the crowd cheers all around him.

 

“Sacred,” Magnifico begins, “YOU’RE ON!” The fans release an even louder pop, forcing Magnifico to pause before continuing.

 

“At the next PPV, it’ll be you and me, Ladder Match, World Title.” Magnifico states. “We’ll find out who the better man really is.”

 

“That we will, Magnifico.” Confirms Sacred, his grin growing. “That we will.”

 

At that, “Save Yourself” kicks up again, accompanying Sacred as he turns and heads towards the back. Magnifico looks out after him, a trace of concern crossing his face as Sacred disappears behind the curtain.

 

Stevens: What an announcement! At the next PPV, it’ll be Sacred and Magnifico in our first ever World Title Ladder Match!

 

Riley: Huh? Are they done yet?

 

Stevens smacks Riley across the back of the head before continuing.

 

Stevens: It’s already shaping up to be a great night, so stick around, folks!

[Guest BA_Baracus]

GEEZER DEATHMATCH

Chris Raynor vs. Z vs. "TNT" Taylor Nicholas Thompson vs. Edwin MacPhisto

- Apparently there’s some trouble down at the SWF retirement home, and so Stubby has signed this match in the hopes of a few chuckles. Seeing as everyone involved in the match is retired, anything that happens in this match will be no-sold by the rest of the league as far as storylines go.

Match Description – There are no rules…may God have mercy on our souls.

 

SINGLES MATCH

Perfect Bo vs. Ced Ordonez

- On Sunday the team of Perfect Bo and Jay Dawg came up short against Thoth and Ced Ordonez. Can Bo score a singles victory on Storm?

 

SINGLES MATCH

Thoth vs. Mak Francis

- Could Francis be on the outs with the Magnificent 7? It’s hard to say, but he’ll have to have his wits about him if he’s to beat the balancer again (he beat him in a 3-way a couple weeks ago to become ICTV #1 contender).

 

NON-TITLE MATCH

El Luchadore Magnifico vs. Frost

- Frost battled Ash Ketchum for the hardcore title at Dissention, and after Ash won, Frost went nuts and beat the crap out of him (on his wedding night no less). The Carnies and Ash have always seen eye to eye, and the new heavyweight champeen is going to teach Frost a lesson.

[Guest BA_Baracus]

SWF Storm returns from a commercial hyping Tom Flesher's new book (I Love Me: The Riches-To-More-Riches Story Of Pro Wrestling's Favorite Performer) and pans the arena, showing fans holding up such signs as "Go Back To Canada," "I Thought TNT Was Surfing" and "ELM Is A-OK." Finally, the camera zooms in on the announcers' table, behind which is a rowdy fan holding a sign which says "I'd Rather Be In Misty. (Wait, That Doesn't Make Any Sense.)" Grand Slam Mark Stevens and Bobby Riley are in their usual positions, and as the camera zooms in on them, Mark enthusiastically greets the fans.

 

"Greetings, fans!" he says, clearly showing that the writers are fatigued. "We're back with another super-duper, what-the-hell, amazing edition of SWF Storm!"

 

And drunk. Fatigued and drunk.

 

"I'm your host, Bobby Riley, and this is my lovely assistant, 'Grand Spam' Mark Stevens. Slamball here recently sold out and is now writing for The Smart Marks."

 

"That's right," agrees Stevens. "My weekly SWF report is going to be available at www.thesmartmarks.com every week from now on, and I plan on keeping all our fans-"

 

"Wait a minute... we have FANS?!"

 

"Sure! I love opening my fan mail!"

 

"Fan MAIL?!"

 

"Of course! I get a big bag of it every week, and so do all our top stars, like El Luchadore Magnifico, Thoth, and especially CIA!"

 

Riley takes a moment to grumble about ungrateful fans, and Grand Slam continues.

 

"Coming up tonight, we have an exciting card, so let's get right-"

 

"HERE WE ARE... BORN TO BE KINGS... WE'RE THE PRINCES OF THE U-NI-VERSE."

 

With that, the stage is lit up by fireworks as Queen's "Princes Of The Universe" blasts out through the arena. Tom Flesher struts out through the smoke in his standard grey suit, white shirt, blue tie and Doc Marten combat boots. He is followed by Frost and Annie Eclectic, both in their wrestling gear. Behind Annie is... well, nobody.

 

"Hmm," says Stevens. "Conspicuous in his absence is the Franchise, Mak Francis. Could there be animosity in the Magnificent Seven?"

 

"Of course not! Mak's just jealous of Flesher for having shown him who was boss at Dissention."

 

The three stablemates walk to the ring, with Flesher leading the way. Frost enters first, holding the ropes for Flesher but casually walking away before Annie can walk into the ring. Looking miffed, Annie ducks under the ropes herself and aligns herself next to Frost and Flesher just in time for the pyro blast, with firworks exploding from each corner. Finally, the music fades, and Flesher takes the microphone.

 

"Ladies and gentlemen, thank you once again for coming out to see the Magnificent Seven do Storm. You see, while I realize that we've only got one match scheduled, you have to remember... we're still in charge of this league. You can tell by simply remembering quality over quantity. Tonight, my Icelandic giant is going to take on that Mexican pinball and show him what a real wrestler can do. Tell em, Frost."

 

Frost takes the microphone from Tom Flesher to incite a new chorus of energized boos. Frost takes a step forward from the rest of the group and surveys the fans with a smirk on his face. Wisps of smoke dance around his head from the cigar held limply in his fingers.

 

“I am not here to talk about Ash Ketchum…” Frost pauses for the light cheers at the name drop and glares at the crowd with renewed disgust. “That man is dead and buried to me and is lucky that he’s not dead and buried to the world. In fact, I allowed him to technically ‘win’ that match to take that albatross of a Hardcore Title from around my neck. Now I’m freed to go after the real prize and fight the real enemy…” Frost pauses again and points directly into the camera with a fixed stare “the SWF World Heavyweight Title and El Luchadore Magnifico!”

 

Flesher grins with sadistic glee in the background and gives a golf clap in support of his top enforcer. Frost paces a few steps back and forth to let the thunderous pop at the mere sound of the World Champion’s name die down.

 

“The journey of a thousand miles begins with one single step and I take that first step later tonight. I heard you out here just now, paying me lip service, looking past me to Sacred and Jay Dawg. There are many men throughout history who have been shot down for looking past the challenger in their own backyard; many paper Mexican Presidents actually. Will you crumble like paper in my hands?” Frost looks down at his mammoth paws and squeezes them together like he has an invisible neck squishing in his mitts. He brings the mic back up and points into the camera again.

 

“However, tonight is not about destroying you, it’s about beating you. It’s about earning a 1…2…3” Frost slaps his palms together with a loud slap to emphasize each number, “so I can earn a rematch with the World Title attached. This match between you and I tonight might be seen as filler, face, but the fates have conspired to place you in my sights and that’s where you will be until I wipe you off the face of the earth. I’ll stalk you until that title is around my waist and the in the hands of the MAGNIFICENT 7!”

 

Frost pitches the microphone over his shoulder and into the waiting of Tom Flesher. He remains standing in the ring, shaking with rage and determination with fire smoldering in his eyes.

 

Flesher takes the mic back and continues. "You know, if there's one thing I can't stand, it's people who think that doing a somersault is an impressive, dangerous wrestling move. do you people really think that the Mexican Pride Press is career-threatening?"

 

The fans begin to cheer at the mere mention of Magnifico's vaunted shooting star press. Flesher nods. "Yeah, I thought so. That, of course, is because you just don't have the ability to appreciate anything that's not big, impressive and, above all, obvious. You can't appreciate my submission holds because they haven't been dumbed down for an audience of... your caliber." The fans begin to boo, upset by Flesher's ridiculous egotism. "Uh huh. And you also don't understand a lot of other things... like the fact that I, Tom Flesher, am so clearly superior to every other worker in the SWF." Crowd noise, as expected. "Magnifico's nothing but an untrained flip-flopper," he continues. "Mak Francis has decent skills, but he's too green to even consider thinking about presuming that he might one day come close to beating me."

 

"Well," interjects Grand Slam, "it looks to me like Mak came damn close on Sunday!"

 

"Shhh," says Riley. "Don't interrupt the man when he's talking down to you."

 

"And then," continues Flesher, "and then we have Thoth. You see, Thoth is a special case. Thoth is a talented worker, absolutely... and ordinarily, he would probably be able to hold his own in the ring with me. But not now. Thoth has taken my protege from me. He has brainwashed Mak Francis into respecting him... I have no idea HOW Yurple managed that, but somehow he did. And in doing so, he's not only screwed up MY future plans for Mak... he's screwed himself over. Thoth, I am now even more determined to put your sagging career out of its misery. You're so far over the hill, Iori. I know you don't think you are, but you're practically dead. Your bones might as well be dust. I'm going to give you one more chance. Retire now while you can still enjoy it."

 

Flesher cracks his neck, mutters, "One more chance," and then turns abruptly to face Annie Eclectic. He steps closer to her, practically pressing against her, and stares angrily at her. "One more chance.... some of us are only getting one more chance. Some of us were only brought on board to keep Chris Wilson's dick warm, you see. SOME of us were only kept on board to fulfill that function for the new management... and SOME of us aren't doing our job." The fans boo, absolutely appalled at Flesher's egotism.

 

"That would be okay," Flesher continues, "if SOME OF US were doing our job IN THE RING instead... but no. SOME OF US are losing important matches, aren't we? SOME OF US need to kick it into gear and win in our own god damn gimmick matches. SOME OF US-"

 

Annie grabs the microphone. "Some of us need to protect our workers a little more so that Thoth doesn't get to them, now, don't we?"

 

Seeing Flesher ready to boil over, Frost steps in between the two Magnificent Seven members. "Easy now," he says to Tom as he pats Annie on the back. Flesher clears his throat, nods, and continues talking. "It's important," he says, "for all of us to win when it counts... because if we don't, then SOME OF US might just end up jerking the curtain against Xero again. Are we understood?" Pause. No one does anything. No one moves a muscle.

 

And with that, "Princes of the Universe" begins to play, and Flesher ducks out of the ring. Frost and Annie follow behind, Annie doing everything she can to keep her agression in line.

 

"How about that?" says Mark Stevens. "Could there be even more dissention in the Magnificent Seven than we ever imagined? Fans, stay tuned and we just might find out!"

[Guest BA_Baracus]

Z’s Note: Though I’m sure you’re all shocked, unbelievably, 4 retirees were NOT the most motivated people on earth! Yes, I’m stunned too. As hard as I found it to believe, Raynor, TNT, Edwin and myself have all retired… and our reasons were legit because we couldn’t find any time to do this match!!! OMGODZ!!!11!1! So, instead of hilarious comedy inciting uproarious laughter, I present what kept all of us from doing any work…

 

…Tom Flesher’s research paper on Tibetan Buddhism!

 

…

 

Okay, so maybe that’s not the *precise* reason, but you get the idea: School is the dearth of all of us. So, uh, enjoy this informative piece of brilliant scholarship.

 

(I’m also incredibly sorry and apologetic about this, by the way. Blame TNT.)

 

--

 

In outer space, no one can hear pyrotechnics…

 

…BUT WE’RE NOT IN OUTER SPACE; WE’RE IN THE ARCO ARENA OF SACREMENTO, CALIFORNIA!!!

 

*** KA-FUCKING-BLAMO ***

 

(The camera closes in on the announcers table, manned, oddly, by NTD and Curry Man, back on special notice!)

 

Curry Man: Hello, hello, fans! We’re are LIVE and ready for action between retirees Edwin MacPhisto, Z, “TNT” Taylor Nicholas Thompson and Chris Raynor!

 

NTD: There’s been fighting over that last cup of pudding, I hear!

 

Curry: UNfotunately, that won’t be happening, because they’re all lazy wankers!

 

NTD: Oh, no!

 

Curry: Oh, yes! Fortunately, we aren’t going to let you fans off without SOMETHING in their place tonight, so “The Superior One” Tom Flesher has kindly offered up his term paper on Tibetan Buddhism so that NTD and I may peruse it!

 

NTD: Sounds GREAT! And a fantastically boring waste of time, but you know!

 

Curry: Anyway, enough talk! Let’s ROCK!

 

(The camera pans behind Curry and NTD, who are now but silhouettes, as the arena dims, and the paper begins to scroll on the SmarkTron…)

 

Modern Americans often see religions of the far east as ascetic, philosophical and inscrutable.

 

NTD: I know *I* do!

 

Curry: Shut yer’ cakehole.

 

The word “Buddhism” conjures images of bald Asian men wearing fiery orange robes; they spend days at a time meditating and chanting mantras in the lotus position.

 

NTD: But if you’re me, you think SuperMonk! The badass Buddha who's packin' heat! Don't mess with his bitches, or he be messin' with you, yo!

 

Curry: …

 

NTD: What? Come on, don’t tell me you haven’t played SuperMonk NG.

 

To say this, of course, grossly oversimplifies the nuances of the religion and its practitioners. However, these images are understandable; to this day, much of Buddhism remains inaccessible to the average American. In a Christian nation, this profound religion based on the cool logic of Siddhartha Gautama often struggles to find a foothold.

 

In this aspect, Buddhism itself is much like Tibet.

 

Curry: You have to be really, really high to get there?

 

Inaccessible and misunderstood, the Tibetan Plateau stands high above sea level in western China. Because Tibet was so difficult to reach, it remained isolated from the rest of the world for much of history, and it was there that Buddhism interacted with and slowly assimilated the native Bön religion.

 

NTD: WE ARE BUDDAH. YOU WILL BE ASSIMILATED. WAR IS IRRELIVENT. FIGHTING IS IRRELIVENT. FASHION SENSE IS IRRELIVENT.

 

Curry: RESISTANCE... WILL BE MET BY PLEADING.

 

Many factors contributed to the continued survival and growth of the religion in Tibet; because of the unique situation and circumstances on the plateau, the Diamond Path to enlightenment was paved by Tibetan monks.

 

NTD: The path to the Wizard of Buddha’s house was a yellow brick road!

 

Vajrayana,

 

Curry: Vajrayana?

 

(NTD giggles)

 

or Tibetan Buddhism, is unique because of the native Bön religion and Tibet’s unusual geographical attributes.

 

Tibet stands alone in western China,

 

NTD: Aw, man. Looks like Silent got another one.

 

Curry: The "Everest Buddha Driver" claims another victim...

 

an imposing plateau unreachable to all but the most determined. Bell opens his text with a discussion on isolation:

 

NTD: (Bell) When I was five , my father locked me in a closet. Years down the road, the repercussions have been immense.

 

Curry: (Bell) Living life being ignored and reviled by the female gender is disheartening, I know. However, perhaps the new technology of “Soap” can help people such as myself.

 

"As far as any nation can do so, Tibet lives alone. To the east tumbled mountain ranges and the deep gorges of some of the world’s largest rivers fence off the lowlands of China. Those who would go to the south or west must needs push [sic] their way through the mass of the Himalaya, highest of all mountain ranges on the earth.

 

Curry: Home to brave birds, mighty beasts, the abominable snowman, and endless IMAX camera crews.

 

NTD: Say… wasn’t G0RO from Tibet?

 

To the north, still more severe, the arctic wastes of the great Northern Plateau - hundreds of miles across and more than a thousand miles in length - freeze out the strangers from more hospitable lands.

 

NTD: (G0RO) HA HA HA. STRANG0RZ BEINGZ WUZIES!!!11! G0RO BEINGZ TUFF ENOUGH TO SUVIVORZ COLD!!!111!!1!

 

Within these bounds dwells Tibet (Bell 1931:3)."

 

Little can be added; Bell’s statement requires no clarification.

 

NTD: If it needed no clarification, why did you have to put in the little [sic] thing?

 

Even if one wanted to visit Tibet, he says, the geographical situation makes that pilgrimage nearly impossible. The Himalayan mountain range serves as a natural Great Wall on two sides; rivers fence off another side. Tibet is safe from the north simply because the land refuses to foster any human culture.

 

Early civilizations realized as well that Tibet could not be reached. The Mongolian warriors made conquests all over Europe and Asia; they went as far as Russia, Finland and Lapland, but did not attempt to conquer Tibet despite its close proximity. Even Marco Polo, during his visits to China, did not visit Tibet (Bell 1931:3).

 

NTD: Holy shit! Bell wrote the bible!

 

Curry: …zuh?

 

How did this isolation affect Tibet’s ethnic, religious and cultural makeup? Most strikingly, Tibetans as an ethnic group are “at once distinguishable from [the] Chinese” and “utterly distinct” from the people of India (Bell 1931:4).

 

NTD: Read: Fugly.

 

The physical characteristics that set them apart from the Chinese and Indians are analogous to the religious and cultural characteristics that identify Tibet as unique and not simply a subdivision of the Chinese culture.

 

NTD: That, and the lack of Red Guards is a dead giveaway.

 

Curry: Cultural diversity? OMGODZ!!!11!1!

 

Buddhism stands in sharp contrast to the Confucian majority of China proper. Tibetans speak their own language; much like the Chinese language, accents vary from region to region such that they are incomprehensible to outsiders.

 

NTD: Wow. I wonder if there’s a rough translation of a ‘hick’ Tibetan accent…

 

However, the written language is consistent across the plateau (Bell 1931:4-5).

 

Curry: (Bored) And the prose is consistent in its boredom. Your point?

 

This sense of separation from the rest of the world carries great import in Tibetan culture; for much of history, the Tibetan people lived nomadically. What effect did this have?

 

NTD: (Tom) Jesus, are you that fucking stupid? I mean, take a GUESS, jeeze.

 

Despite the western viewpoint that nomadic people have no home, the Tibetans came to consider all of the plateau their homeland. All Tibetan people were Tibetans, unlike the strikingly different Mongol, Chinese and Indian people below the plateau.

 

Bell claims that Tibet’s nomadic lifestyle fostered the culture’s ability to think philosophically (Bell 1931:5). He supports this standpoint by asserting that lack of stimulation leads to religious contemplation; he claims that all of the world’s great religions started in deserts, citing the three Abrahamic traditions of Judaism, Christianity and Islam.

 

NTD: I prefer the religion that has to do with ed-shays.

 

Curry: He forgot Rickmenism.

 

NTD: Damn luchadore.

 

While this point feels like a satisfying pat on the back for a student of Tibet’s religions, it sadly holds little strength. Despite the attempted association of Vajrayana with the major religions of the world, the religion lacks any significant number of devotees anywhere but on the Tibetan Plateau. Bell could have made his point more safely by comparing Buddhism as a whole to the Judeo-Christo-Islamic

 

NTD: Couldn't they name themselves something less complicated, like Kane-a-nites, or Hulkamaniacs, or… Testicles?

 

Curry: …Testicles?

 

NTD: Yeah! It rolls right off my tongue…

 

block of religions, but would have lost the significance; his aim was to elevate Tibetan Buddhism, not Buddhism entirely. Also, Bell falls victim to a classic fallacy; when looking for examples of religions that began their existence in deserts, he is obviously only looking at the cases in which religions arose. There are potentially many millions of cases in which there were nomadic people living in a desert who did not create one of the world’s greatest religions;

 

NTD: He’s *also* forgetting to acknowledge the time I tried to create my own religion.

 

Curry: Let me guess. “Church Of No Slacks”?

 

NTD: Damn skippy! There was also the requirement that one (1) virgin girl had to be sacrificed to my holy self every week. By each worshiper.

 

Bell finds only four cases and uses them to illustrate his point. Finally, he ignores the fact that Tibetans did not create Vajrayana as such; rather, they adapted Buddhism by superimposing it upon their prior shamanist tradition. Shamanism is not one of the great religions of the world; as Bell himself admits, cultures all over the world practiced forms of shamanism, including the Saami in Finland,

 

NTD: Like Taamo Flesheri?

 

Curry: (Taamo) Buddha’s smiling because I preformed bukkake on him. (He smiles disturbingly serenely.)

 

the Inuits in Canada,

 

NTD: Oh. OH! You mean like Z and CIA!

 

Curry: CIA and Z aren’t Eskimos, dude.

 

NTD: Pfft. Come on, Curry. All Canadians are Eskimos.

 

the aboriginal people in the United States

 

NTD: Much like Edwin.

 

Curry: Yeah, he’s about as “Aboriginal” as you get.

 

and even the Mongols themselves (Bell 1931:5). Surely, the Tibetan pastoral culture allowed time for contemplation and philosophy; perhaps a culture of nomadic shepherds will find itself more able to accept an outside religion. However, Buddhism is so widespread throughout Asia that Tibet can hardly be considered unique solely for accepting it.

 

Rather, Tibet’s uniqueness extends into religion by way of the interaction between the native Bön religion and Buddhism. The Bön religion deserves examination but defies it, mainly because very few records have survived. The Journal of the Royal Asiatic Society cites in 1880 a description of the Bön rituals:

 

“BOR-ING!”

“BOR-ING!”

“BOR-ING!”

 

NTD: Crowd’s getting restless.

 

Curry: Can you blame them?

 

The [Tibetan] officers are assembled once every year for the lesser

oath of fealty. They sacrifice sheep, dogs and monkeys, first break-

ing their legs and then killing them afterwards, exposing their intestines

and cutting them into pieces.

 

NTD: Uh… huh. Maybe G0RO really *does* live here.

 

Curry: “Now, I understand how this could be *easily* confused with Buddhism, but I assure: The differences are there! They are merely subtle.”

 

The sorcerers having been summoned,

they call on the gods of heaven and earth, of the mountains and rivers,

of the sun, moon, stars and planets, saying: ‘Should your hearts become

changed, and your thoughts disloyal, the gods will see clearly and make

you like these sheep and dogs.’

 

NTD: Delicious and affordable?

 

Curry: …

 

Every three years there is a grand

ceremony, during which all are assembled in the night on a raised

altar, on which are spread savoury meats. The victims sacrificed are

men, horses, oxen and asses,

 

NTD: Wow! My kind of party!

 

and prayers are offered up in this form:

‘Do you all, with one heart and unified strength, cherish our native

country. The god of heaven and the spirit of the earth will both know

your thoughts, and if you break this oath, they will cause your bodies

to be cut into pieces like unto these victims.

 

Curry: You know, that was some pretty awesome assimilation the Buddha’s did to wipe out THIS religion.

 

NTD: Personally, I think G0RO just took them all to the cleanrz and ate the babies.

 

(Journal 1880:441, cited in Bell). Each author who makes mention of the Bön religion refers to it as being similar to common forms of shamanism. Bell, unfortunately, was the only author who discussed Bön to any degree of detail. However, because he made special reference to how difficult it was to find relevant sources,

 

NTD: As things turned out, drunk, raving locals exiting bars at 3am didn't provide the most concise information.

 

and in light of the other authors’ references to “shamanism,” it seems safe to assume that Bön was indeed like the religions native to North America and Northern Asia.

 

Curry: Oh, so misleading, contrived, inconsistent, full of annoying televangelists, and constantly breeding scam artists who need your money?

 

NTD: Remember, god is all knowing, all seeing and all powerful. But he needs YOUR money!

 

Buddhism, however, differs. Volumes have been written on the life of the Buddha, Siddartha Gautama. However, the life of the Buddha carries little import in this discussion; rather, his teachings and philosophy are used in the building of the Diamond Raft that is Vajrayana. Like all other Buddhists, Tibetan Buddhists observe the Four Noble Truths, the Eightfold Path and the Three Refuges. Huston Smith’s study on the religions of the world devotes a chapter to Buddhism in which he discusses the fundamentals of the Buddhist faith along with the specifics of several of the major schisms. Buddhism holds its basis in the Four Noble Truths.

 

• Life is suffering

 

NTD: As we all know, anyone who tells you different is trying to sell you something.

 

• Suffering is caused by desire

 

Curry: Desire is caused by impotence.

 

• Suffering can be overcome by the control of desire

 

NTD: Oh, make is sound *easy,* sure…

 

Curry: So can smoking. If you cover your body in nicotine patches and wear a straitjacket, anyway.

 

• The way to control desire is through the Eightfold Path

 

NTD: Now can I have a “hallelujah!” brothers and sisters?

 

Curry: Praise the lord!

 

The Noble Truths demonstrate that life is out of joint. “Dukkha,” translated “suffering,” is robbed of its total meaning by the restrictive nature of translation. Westerners see suffering as almost noble and consider any suffering to be a martyrdom;

 

Curry: Oh, come on! That’s shallow AND ridiculous! I was never lauded as a hero, and he had to work with NTD for 34 months!

 

NTD: …

 

the Buddhist doctrine, however, sees it in the sense of something being wrong (Smith 1991:99-103). Smith compares the Buddha’s development of the Eightfold Path to that of a physician trying to cure an illness. He says that the Buddha examined the symptoms of the suffering that is life, diagnosed, found a root cause and finally prescribed the proper cure.

 

Curry: …you know, if it were a year ago, “Tibetan Generation Buddhist Wrestling Federation” would’ve sounded pretty good to me.

 

NTD: …I hate you. Besides, wouldn’t that raise the more dilemma of weather or not the wrestlers should fight at all?

 

Curry: Well, I’m sure JD wouldn’t have minded.

 

He divided the world into two ways of living: one was random, wandering about, whereas the other was intentional and based on the Path. Smith claims that the Eightfold Path presupposes a ninth condition, that of “Right Association” or having the right friends. The path continues:

 

• Right Views - having the right beliefs and understanding

 

NTD: - Wouldn't it actually be 'being correct'?

 

• Right Intent - wanting the right thing and persisting in pursuing it

• Right Speech - essentially, controlling oneself

• Right Conduct - not killing, stealing, lying, engaging in sexual misconduct or drinking intoxicants

 

Curry: Or, in other words, what you won't find in the Current Events folder here on the boards.

 

NTD: (Marney) Well, maybe if you ignorant sluts studied up on things a little more, I wouldn't be forced to ram my cock up your ass all the time. Verbally, of course.

 

Curry: ...Are you sure you didn't mean to say that as yourself?

 

• Right Livelihood - engaging in an occupation compatible with “spiritual seriousness;” Smith describes proscriptions against prostitution, butchery, brewery, and even caravan trading because of their incompatibility with the Path.

 

NTD: I guess this leaves GOdrea out of a job.

 

Curry: What about dishwashing? What do you say about dishwashing?

 

• Right Effort - Smith includes a quote from the Buddha in which he compares a loyal Buddhist to an ox carrying a heavy load through a swamp. “He is tired, but his steady gaze, looking forward, will never relax until he comes out of the mire, and it is only then he takes a respite.”

 

NTD: “Or, if he makes the mistake of drinking the swamp water.”

 

• Right Mindfulness - the Buddha believed that the mind shaped who we were and that alertness but non-reactivity would help to overcome the ignorance of human beings

• Right Concentration - essentially, perseverance

 

Curry: i.e.: What the authors of this ‘match’ lacked.

Z: I resent that, I’ll have you know. Blame TNT, dammit.

 

Smith finishes by saying, “The mind reposes in its true conditions” (Smith 1991:104-112).

 

The Three Refuges demonstrate a sense of doctrine among Buddhists analogous to the Christian sense of relying on the Bible to help endure difficult times. Buddhists claim to take refuge in the Buddha, the dharma and the sangha. Smith refers to these as the Three Vows (Smith 1991:145).

 

NTD: I took vows once. Damn, that Scott Baio is hot…

 

Curry: …

 

NTD: Well, yeah! I mean, he—(An invisible force kicks NTD in the nuts.)

 

Taking refuge in the Buddha makes sense; even if a Buddhist prefers not to worship Gautama, he may still hold him in high regard as a great thinker and spiritual leader. Taking refuge in the dharma carries a sense of acceptance. Dharma, of course, is a sense of duty present in many of the eastern Wisdom traditions. Taking refuge in the dharma implies a feeling that the world is following a path and that accepting one’s duty is the proper path to follow.

 

Curry: Couldn’t they just get a damn map?

 

Finally, the sangha are the order of monks or other spiritual guides who help Buddhists along their path to enlightenment. Smith explains the significance of the Three Refuges by repeating the analogy of Buddhism to a river crossing.

 

NTD: Pete and Repeat were in a boat…

 

Curry: We'd like to take this time to remind you that Bell has been assited by the Department of Redundancy Department.

 

At its basis, this analogy holds that Buddhism itself is a raft to carry its practitioners to enlightenment, the opposite shore. To take refuge in the Buddha is to believe that the river has been crossed successfully. To take refuge in the dharma is to commit one’s life to the belief that the vessel is able to cross the river safely. To take refuge in the sangha is to believe that there is a worthy, able crew guiding the raft (Smith 1991:144-145).

 

Buddhism also places great importance on understanding and intelligence. “Buddhism eschews any form of credulity. This it equates with stupidity. Although a Buddhist will have to accept the Buddha’s words, he must do so critically” (Guenther 1966:79). Of course, this point carries in it an inherent contradiction; a follower must criticize the Buddha’s logical interpretation of the world, and yet must accept it despite any flaws.

 

NTD: ...

Curry: I thought this was an essay on Buddhism, not a Zen Kohan.

 

However, the paradox is only apparent, for it prevents two main problems. First, the critical view of Buddhism prevents the problem of blind faith.

 

Curry: If only the Catholic Church was so wise.

 

Blind faith does not mesh with the eastern Wisdom traditions for the simple reason that they are based on an understanding of the world; this is the fundamental difference between the Buddhist worldview and the Christian teachings. Christianity holds its basis in the infallible teachings of the Bible, and for much of the history of the religion, its practitioners found themselves unable to read and therefore examine the holy scriptures. They simply accepted the clergy’s interpretations. Buddhism, of course, encourages an understanding and an attempt to find flaws. This leads to the second problem which is prevented by a critical understanding of the faith: an unsuccessful attempt to find fault in the religion encourages the new practitioner.

 

NTD: It's a religion that breeds cynicism!

Curry: You almost wonder why the smarks haven't caught on yet...

 

Guenther’s statement that a practitioner will have to accept the Buddha’s words is almost irrelevant; the Buddhists, of course, believe that the Buddha’s words will always ring true, and that any attempt to find fault fails necessarily. This carries the same import as the Christian view of infallibility; it is, however, executed differently.

 

NTD: Mostly because anyone who disagreed with Christianity *got* executed.

 

(Curry hits a rimshot)

 

The Christian technique of belief-by-blind-faith appears almost brutal when compared to the Buddhist technique of belief-by-understanding. His Holiness the XIV Dalai Lama illustrates this with a quote:

I am a Buddhist and my whole way of training is according to

the Buddhist teaching or Buddha Dharma. Although I speak

from my own experience, I feel that no one has the right to impose

his or her beliefs on another person.

 

NTD: See, Curry? The Dali Lama says you can’t change me!

 

Curry: …that’s not what he mea—

 

NTD: Okay, you’re right. I’m going to join the priesthood.

 

Curry: Oy. Talk about compounding the problem.

 

I will not propose to you that

my way is best. That decision is up to you. If you find some point

which may be suitable for you, then you can carry out experiments

for yourself. If you find that it is of no use, then you can discard it.

 

(Dalai Lama 1999:ix) The Dalai Lama is a spiritual leader of the Tibetan people. He neither dabbles in doctrine nor claims infallibility but, rather, serves as a figurehead leader for the Vajrayana tradition (Smith 1991:143). This is yet another way that Vajrayana is distinct from the other forms of Buddhism; neither Theravada nor Mahayana Buddhism believe in a single physical manifestation of their religion. For Vajrayana, the Dalai Lama is one of many important spiritual leaders. The word ‘lama’ comes from the Tibetan words for “potency” (ma) and “of the highest significance” (bla) (Guenther 1977:178-179). The Tibetan lama is likely a holdover from the days of Bön.

 

Guenther also writes, “Philosophy, in the Buddhist sense, becomes rather an expression of that which is most human in human beings, but is not an automatic phenomenon”

 

Curry: But Tamogatchi, Pokemon and Dragonball Z were. Freaky, eh?

 

NTD: Well, see, now you’re getting into the evil Shinto spirits, and…

 

Curry: Don’t go there, dude.

 

NTD: Oh, come on! This entire thing has gone on without a roundabout reference to “The Enlightened One” Tom Flesher!

 

Curry: …

 

(Guenther 1977:84). This is corroborated by Smith’s discussion of the Eightfold Path (supra, page 5), in that the “Right View” and “Right Concentration” are necessary to reach enlightenment.

 

The Dalai Lama exemplifies these virtues and revels in his status as a teacher and leader. Tibetan Buddhists value peace and knowledge, like all Buddhists. They see control of the emotions as one of the highest virtues obtainable by humans. The Dalai Lama offers this discussion:

Our feelings of dissatisfaction, unhappiness, loss of hope and so

forth are in fact related to all phenomena. If we do not adopt the

right outlook, it is possible that anything and everything could cause

 

Curry: What’s with the bizarre formatting?

NTD: You know, this is a pretty lousy haiku.

 

us frustration. Yet phenomena are part of reality and we are subject

to the laws of existence. So this leaves us only one option: to change

our own attitude. By bringing about a change in our outlook towards

things and events, all phenomena can become friends or sources of

happiness, instead of becoming enemies or sources of frustration.

 

(Dalai Lama 1999:76). The Dalai Lama’s statements are difficult to dispute because they ring true in almost any imaginable circumstance. This points to yet another point on the Eightfold Path: the Dalai Lama clearly exercises Right Speech. He says very little that is not clearly thought through far in advance. Much like the children’s tale of a wise man who carries an egg in his mouth so that he must go through the effort of removing it before he can speak, the Dalai Lama controls his speech such that he expresses only the important thoughts.

 

NTD: I'm a lot like the Dali Llama, actually. I only open my mouth when I have something important to say.

 

Curry: NTD, you've said some of the most trivial, meanless things in the history of man! I mean, Exploding Chicken is more coherent and on task than you most of the time.

 

NTD: Well... uhm....

 

Suddenly, Exploding Chicken rushes in, shoves an egg into NTD's mouth, and runs off screaming "Cluck Cluck KABOOM!"

 

Vajrayana manifests itself in the Dalai Lama in many ways, ranging from the physical to the doctrinal. Physically, he resembles nothing but a stereotypical Tibetan man; much like Vajrayana, his physical characteristics are those specific to the Tibetan Plateau.

 

Curry: Well, you have the egg thing down- did it break in your mouth?

 

NTD: (Swallows) Yeah, but don't worry, I made sure to swallow all the white stuff.

 

Mentally, the Dalai Lama shows great control and intelligence, representing the ideals of all Buddhists. Gifted with wisdom, he exemplifies the virtue of critical understanding.

 

(Curry Man begins to have dry heaves, as NTD looks at his hips)

 

NTD: Damn, all of that egg is gonna go right to my hips…

 

Moreso, though, the Dalai Lama represents Vajrayana itself. Isolated upon the Tibetan Plateau, the religion combines the aspects of Buddhism and the shamanistic Bön religion such that the end result seems more than the sum of its parts. The Diamond Path to enlightenment is wholly Bönist but at the same time wholly Buddhist; in this way, it is nothing but wholly unique.

 

Works Consulted

 

Bhattacharyya, Benytosh.

 

NTD: That's one hell of a name. And you know what they say about men with long names.

 

Curry: (Groan) What's that?

 

NTD: They have long signatures.

 

(Curry whacks NTD)

 

1932. An Introduction to Buddhist Esoterism.

 

(NTD Giggles)

 

Curry: Oh, grow up.

 

(London: Oxford Press).

 

Evans-Wentz, W.Y. 1971. The Tibetan Book of Great Liberation. (New York: Oxford Press).

 

Goodman and Davidson, editors. 1992. Tibetan Buddhism. (Albany: State University of New York Press).

 

Sinnett, A.P. 1981. Esoteric Buddhism. (San Diego: Wizards Bookshelf).

 

Wayman, Alex. 1973. The Buddhist Tantras. (New York: Samuel Weiser).

 

Willis, Janice Dean, editor. 1972. The Diamond Light of the Eastern Dawn. (New York: Simon and Schuster).

 

(Suddenly, a man stands up amongst the mostly sleeping crowd.)

 

Little Boy: WOW, that was GREAT! I LEARNED SO MUCH! …about Tibetan Buddhism.

 

(Silence)

 

Curry: Wow. That was… boring.

 

NTD: You said it. What do you say we go down to Funyon for the official word?

 

Funyon: BY ELIGHTENMENT OF TIBETAN BUDDHISM, THE WINNER OF THIS MATCH IS TOM FLESHER!

 

**canned crowd heat!**

 

NTD: Well, we're done here. Man, it was great to sit in this chair again.

 

Curry: Actually, I think that was usually *my* chair.

 

NTD: Well, whatever. Anyway, for Curry Man, I'm NTD signing off! Up next: A REAL match!

 

(Fade)

[Guest BA_Baracus]

As the camera comes back from commercial break it slowly pans up revealing a black pair of Timberland boots and the cuffs of a dark blue pair of jeans. The camera continues up the six foot two frame and comes to a rest on the ice blue shades of Mak Francis. Ben Hardy stands off to the side awaiting his cue and gets it in 3… 2… 1!

 

“Hello I’m Ben Hardy here with “The Franchise” Mak Francis fresh off a Pay per view loss to Tom Flesher!” States the smiling SWF reporter as he nods his head. “Now Mak, what are your thoughts on the match against you had with your Magnificent 7 leader and why weren’t you out there with them tonight?”

 

Francis speaks into the mic with Ben holding it. “Well Hardy it’s like this, Tom Flesher was a good mentor, a great wrestler but quite frankly he has a gigantic ego and while he can lay claim to things… like beating me in that squared circle, and being the man to make me tap, I’ll never consider him the better man!”

 

“So what does this mean for you and the Magnificent 7?” Ask Ben.

 

Francis just shrugs his shoulders before answering. “I don’t know, but if I can’t respect a man that leads me…” Mak pauses taking off his trademark shades eyes looking cold. “… And Tom, as much as you wanted me to give it to you at SWF Dissention, MY RESPECT is one thing that you’ll have to earn!”

 

Hardy just nods his head as Mak continues. “But Ben, to answer your question… In reality I don’t know what to say expect what I’ve already said…”

 

“Well what about you match with Thoth later tonight? Lately, you’ve seemed to have his number, but how do you prepare for a man the caliber of the Balancer?”

 

“All I can do is watch the tape, hit the gym and work hard for the win. He’s a worthy competitor and his skills are not to be underestimated in any way.”

 

“Are you saying that Thoth has your respect?”

 

“The man is somebody that I might be able to give it to, we’ll just have to see if tonight he can earn it… Later Hardy!” Finishes the Franchise before walking off camera.

 

And with that the SWF goes back to a commercial break.

[Guest BA_Baracus]

SWF Storm returns from the commercial break with various still frames from the tag team championship from Dissention, the Foo Fighters’ “All My Life” accompanying the footage. Mark Stevens begins his spiel while the photos continue to roll.

 

Stevens: “Welcome back to Storm, everyone! We’d like to thank the thousands that attended our Dissention show in Columbus, Ohio along with the millions that tuned in worldwide and, of course, our loyal friends on the Internet for making the show a great success. And what a night it was for the team of Thoth and Ced Ordonez, successfully defending their titles against Creative Control’s Jay Dawg and Perfect Bo.”

 

The final shot of Thoth and Ced Ordonez holding the tag titles is replaced by the SWF logo which, in turn, segues into the live feed from within the Arco Arena. Various eye catchers in the crowd include “Bo blows my whistle, bitch!”, “Rick Fox fears Ced” and an entire row wearing lettered t-shirts spelling out “BEMANI CROSS WIZARDS.” The camera cuts to a shot of the SWF announcing tandem.

 

Riley: “Bah, they were paid and you know it, Mark!”

 

Stevens: “What an…interesting way to kick off Storm with that ‘deathmatch’ from the SWF retirement home…”

 

Riley: “Are you no-selling me?”

 

Stevens: “…and now we’re gonna get action from the Bemani Cross Wizards in single action! First, in somewhat of a rematch from last night, Perfect Bo faces Ced Ordonez. From what I’ve heard, Bo isn’t very pleased about being on the received end of a Full Combo from Thoth and Ced.”

 

Riley: “The Armani Crap Weiners…”

 

Stevens: “Bemani Cross Wizards.”

 

Riley: “The Bermuda Crosswinds, in addition to having the lamest tag team name EVER, are completely tarnishing the image of the prestigious tag titles simply by wearing them around their waists. That’s why tonight, I hope Bo crushes the runt of the Binky Clown College, Ced Ordonez.”

 

A wide shot of the ring is shown, Funyon standing in the middle of it.

 

Funyon: “The following is a singles match scheduled for one fall.”

 

The twinkling intro of “Esaka?” comes over the PA system…and abruptly stops after only two measures as the lights go out, a few fans yelling in confusion.

 

Riley: “What the hell is this? A rolling blackout? Damn you, energy conserving hippies!”

 

Stevens: “Hey, we’re still live you know?”

 

Riley: “Hey, I would’ve damned the hippies eventually and you know it, Stevens.”

 

Funyon’s voice is heard in the pitch-black arena.

 

Funyon: “Introducing first, from SACRAMENTO, CALIFORNIA (cheap pop) and weighing in tonight at 203 pounds. He is one half of the SWF Tag Team Champion Bemani Cross Wizards, CED ORDOOOONEEEEZ!”

 

Four pairs of glowsticks appear across the dark entranceway as if suspended in the air.

 

“NIGHT OF FIRE!”

The intro of Dave Rodger’s “Night of Fire” brings the entranceway to life as it lights up, revealing four of the Sacramento Kings’ Fast Break dancers, decked out in “Bemani Cross Wizards” baby tees, as the holders of the glowsticks. They begin to step from side to side in unison, waving their glowsticks around in a fairly elaborate Para Para routine. The intro of the song winds down and a pre-recorded female group yelling “FIRE!” brings the song into its full Eurobeat swing as the Arco Arena is engulfed in a light show. The SmarkTron flashes “CED”, bringing his hometown crowd to its feet.

 

Ced emerges from behind the curtain wearing a Sacramento Kings home jersey along with his normal tights, eliciting another huge cheap pop. He plays to the crowd a little before taking his place in between the quartet of lovely ladies. He glances to each side with an excited smile on his face then joins their dance routine! The crowd pops massively for pre-match show being put on by the Bemani Cross Wizard.

 

Stevens: “Ced is channeling Magnum TOKYO in his hometown! I really can’t believe this reaction. It’s unreal!”

 

Riley: “The only reaction that matters in Arco Arena right now is mine and that’s ‘DAMMIT! SHOOT ME! SHOOT ME NOW!’”

 

Ced breaks away from his special entourage and sprints down to the ring as the ladies finish their routine, blowing kisses to the crowd before heading to the back. The festivities concluded, the crowd cheers loudly and breaks out a somehow familiar “B-C-W!” chant. Ced removes the jersey, revealing his tag belt underneath, and throws it out for the rabid Sacramentals to catch. The lights suddenly dim as the camera pans back to the SmarkTron, bearing an image of Bo.

 

“I will not fall, I will stand tall, ya all are underneath me…” An explosion blasts in front of the entranceway. “I’m from the home of 9/11, the place of lost towers, regardless of that we never lose power.” The second blast goes off and “New York City” by Cam’ron and Jay-Z hits as the figure of Bo, his head lowered, appearing from within the clearing smoke.

 

Funyon: “His opponent, from the Bronx in New York City, New York and weighing in at 285 pounds. Representing Creative Control, PERFEEEEEECT BOOOOOOOOOO!”

 

The crowd boos as Bo lifts his head and dashes to the ring, sliding into it. He goes to the nearest corner and climbs up onto the second turnbuckle, unaffected by the jeers as he lowers his head once again and raises his fist slowly into the air. He hops back down and attempts to burn a hole through Ced, who calmly stretches in the opposite corner with no sign of intimidation on his face. The referee signals to the timekeeper, who rings the bell to begin the match.

 

DING! DING!

 

Bo and Ced begin circling the ring, but Ced slows down a little and looks to the crowd in a bit of awe as they begin a deafening “Ced” chant. Ced takes a deep breath, gives himself a firm double slap on the face, and bounces against the ropes.

 

Stevens: “Such a surreal feeling in the Arco Arena right now…”

 

Riley: “People popping madly for Ced AND DDR. You bet your life this is surreal! I love shoot comments not meant to be shoot comments.”

 

Stevens: “What’s that supposed to mean?”

 

Riley: “I dunno. Some fat guy on the Internet keeps saying it.”

 

The “Ced” chants continue as Ced and Bo finally lock up, Bo easily shoving Ced to the ground, garnering heel heat with the Sacramento crowd. Ced quickly recovers to one knee in the corner, seemingly expecting the result. He rolls his shoulders as he springs to his feet, briefly hopping up and down to the beat of the prolonged chant to keep it alive. He meets with Bo in the center of the ring and puts his right hand high into the air, looking for a test of strength from the Creative Control member. Bo scoffs at the gesture, but clasps his hand with Ced nonetheless. Bo gives a little twist and pushes down, easily dropping Ced to a knee. Ced uses his left hand and pushes back up with everything he has, managing to retain his base but struggling to keep it. Ced trembles as Bo uses his height advantage to keep the pressure on Ced when Ced suddenly falls backwards, catching Bo off-guard. As he falls backwards, Ced slips his legs around Bo’s and brings him down with a drop toehold, quickly springing back up and nailing a downed and confused Bo with roundhouse kicks to the midsection. Bo sprawls to the middle rope and clings to it, the referee backing Ced away as he receives thunderous applause from the crowd.

 

Stevens: “This looks like it’s going to be a classic speed versus power battle between Ced Ordonez and Perfect Bo.”

 

Riley: “Well, it’s going to be a classic ass kicking if Ced’s foolish enough to try a dumb stunt like that again! C’mon Bo!”

 

Bo kicks the bottom rope and very audibly curses at some ringside fans, which gets bleeped through the magic of time delay. He redirects his attention back to Ced with a very serious expression on his face. Ced comes out of the corner and feigns a few kicks at Bo’s legs. Bo lunges forward and tries to grab Ced, but Ced slips out of his grasp and lands a shot to his thigh. Bo responds by pie-facing Ced, who flies back into the ropes and hardly rebounds before going low with a dropkick to Bo’s leg, dropping him to one knee. Ced quickly spins around and does a backflip, his leg finding the top of Bo’s head and knocking him down. Ced rolls him over and goes for a very early pin.

 

ONE!

 

TWO!

 

No! Bo kicks out and tries to recover, but Ced gets him into an awkward small package, pinning his shoulders to the mat again.

 

ONE! No! Bo powers out and Ced can’t hold onto him.

 

Ced pops up and bounces off of the ropes as Bo regains his bearings. Bo realizes where Ced is and looks at him only to eat the sole of his boot by means of a running high kick. Bo gets floored once again and Ced literally splashes onto his opponent for a lateral press.

 

ONE!

 

TWO!

 

TH – NO! Bo gets the shoulder up and appears to be completely red in the face and Ced springs up and rebounds of the ropes yet again. Ced leaps at Bo with a cross bodyblock but Bo shows some agility and jumps up with a high knee, connecting with Ced’s sternum in a brutal blow. The fans let out a gasp and go silent as Ced’s momentum causes him to fall in an unnatural way as he clutches his chest, his eyes alternating between wide open in distress and closed tight in severe pain. Bo checks for blood on his lip before stalking the floundering Ced Ordonez.

 

Riley: “And just like that, the tide has turned for the better! Sit back and enjoy the massacre, Mark. You might not see one as great as this for a long time!”

 

Stevens: “An innovative counter from Perfect Bo and Ced is in trouble after gaining an early advantage.”

 

Bo rolls Ced onto his back and grinds his forearm down onto the throat of Ced forcing the referee to vocally reprimand Bo’s blatant rulebreaking. The referee begins counting to five as Ced ‘s legs begin to flail violently. Bo waits until the count of four and quickly pulls his weight off of Ced’s airway only to come crashing down with a closed fist! It connects with Ced’s cheek and causes his head to bounce off of the mat as the referee shoves Bo as he gets up from the mount. Ced cradles his head into his arms, slowly rolling out to the apron as the referee sternly warns Bo. The Sacramento crowd angrily begins a “Bo Sucks Ass” chant while Ced crashes to the padding on the outside, staggering as he attempts to stand on his own accord.

 

Stevens (angrily): “Holy…! Did you see that? That was just a…a disgusting cheap shot! Bo should’ve been disqualified right there!”

 

Riley: “Oh man. Hey let’s see that again. C’mon, cue that up, pretty please?”

 

The “Frost Brand Penguin Chapstick Double Feature” pops onto the screen and the slow motion replay of the wicked blow from Perfect Bo, the crowd cringing in unison upon viewing it.

 

Riley (wiping tears from his eyes): “Beautiful. Simply beautiful…”

 

Ced rests his head on the guardrail as the fans pat him on the back out of genuine concern. Bo smirks at the irate referee as he exits through the ring ropes and heads toward a hurting Ced Ordonez. Bo glares at the fans showing support for Ced as security intervenes and makes space between the crowd and wrestlers. Bo clubs Ced in the back before whipping him into the apron. Ced grimaces upon impact and falls to his knees as the referee pleads with Bo to bring it back into the ring before beginning to count out the two. Bo Irish whips Ced again, this time into the ring steps, the metal banging loudly on impact. Ced appears to be alert, but completely in pain as he slides into a reclining position against the steps.

 

Bo calmly tosses Ced back into the ring at the count of six and smirks, finding a great stress reliever in attempting to destroy the Bemani Cross Wizard. Bo rolls into the ring himself and chuckles at the heap of humanity before him before pinning Ced.

 

ONE!

 

TWO!

 

THRE – NO! Ced wipes the smug grin off of Bo’s face by kicking out, offering the crowd some hope.

 

Bo gets a little more serious as he gets Ced into a facelock, cranking on it a little before spinning around and dropping Ced with an inverted Final Cut. From a seated position, Bo rolls Ced over with one hand before lying down on top of him.

 

ONE!

 

TWO!

 

THRE – NO! Ced once again kicks out, the Arco Arena fans cheering a little more enthusiastically.

 

Bo, appearing to get a bit miffed again, pulls Ced back up, but Ced arms come flying up, releasing himself from Bo’s clutches. Ced jumps as high as he can and delivers a double Mongolian chop to Bo. He clears the cobwebs briefly before repeating the drill again. He lifts his arms up for the third strike and Bo raises his own to defend, but Ced goes low instead with a crisp roundhouse kick to the knee of Perfect Bo. Ced hits him with another power shot before speeding up the blows. Ced confuses Bo with a combination of speed and feinting as he connects with most of the kicks he throws, bringing the crowd back into the match.

 

Bo’s legs give way as he falls backwards into the ropes for support. Ced continues his offensive strike and captures the leg of the Creative Control member, twisting it and falling to the ground, causing Bo to spin by way of a Dragon Screw Legwhip. Ced holds on to Bo’s ankle and keeps the leg straight as he attempts to grab Bo’s other leg, but Bo sweeps him off his feet at he turns around for the Cross Lightning. Ced flops onto the mat face first as capitalizes by turning it into an anklelock. Ced boots out and rolls onto his back trying to kick Bo in the face, but Bo catches the leg, pinning it under his arm and turning it into a single leg crab. Bo reaches back with his free arm and grabs around Ced’s neck, applying the Perfect Crank!

 

Stevens: “Perfect Crank on Ced! He’s almost dead center of the ring, too!”

 

Riley: “Good night, Sacramento! Shed a tear for your hometown loser for me, because I’m not.”

 

Ced reaches toward the ropes off in the distance, bearing the pain of the Perfect Crank. The referee kneels to his side checking for a submission. Ced screams in agony, but wags his finger to signal he’s not going to tap as he desperately claws his way to the ropes. Section 219 in the crowd re-ignites the “Ced” chant and it begins to snowball with every centimeter of progress Ced makes. Ced makes it within an arm’s length away as the chant makes its way to the rafters engulfing the Arco Arena in a booming “Ced” chant. Ced sucks it up and begins pulling himself to the bottom rope, despite the weight of Bo trying to hold him down as he cranks harder. Ced feeds off the fanatic energy and with one last push, finds his arm underneath the bottom rope. Ced hooks his arm around it much to the crowd’s approval and frustrating Bo even more.

 

The referee jumps in and directs Bo’s attention to the rope break before counting. The referee makes it to three before Bo abruptly releases the hold, hovering over Ced as he grabs his neck. Bo sits Ced on the top turnbuckle, punching him for good measure before straddling Ced’s legs and climbing up to the second turnbuckle himself. Ced chops away at Bo’s sides to no avail as Bo hooks his arm around Ced’s head and ascends to the top turnbuckle. Ced, in dire need to avoid what is to come next, purposefully crotches himself onto the buckle to escape Bo’s hold. As his pride goes to meet the metal below him, Ced wraps his arms around Bo’s legs then pulls them towards him, causing Bo to fall off and he lands hard on the mat below. Bo holds his head and Ced does the same in another hemisphere.

 

Stevens: “Brilliant counter by Ced to escape the Perfect Death!”

 

Riley: “You call that brilliant? He’s probably hurting a lot more than Bo for that counter.”

 

Ced gingerly hops back onto the mat and looks at the stunned Bo lying on the mat. Ced runs as best as he can to the middle rope and hops onto it. His face contorts as he calls an audible on the fly and pulls out a Mark Out, sans the backflip. He plants his feet on Bo’s torso before falling backward onto his rump. Ced checks the goods before going over to cover Bo, the crowd making sure to count along.

 

ONE!

 

TWO!

 

THRE…NO! Bo manages to kick out, sending a shockwave through the Arco Arena.

 

Ced slowly shakes his head in disbelief as he begins to pull himself away from Perfect Bo, desperately needing a breather from the last exchange. He looks to his left, then to his right, then straight ahead at all the fans cheering him on. He closes his eyes briefly before slapping himself in the face with both hands and making his way back to Bo, who has begun to come around.

 

He sizes him up as Bo gets to one knee and fires off a roundhouse kick, but Bo catches it. Bo begins to stand, intent on a Dragon Screw Legwhip, but Ced changes those plans with a Mongolian chop to the neck. Bo loses his grasp on Ced’s foot as he staggers to the side and Ced tries to kick him again, but gets spun around this time. Bo seizes the opportunity and tries to apply his Tazzmission variation, but Ced fights it as he makes his way to the turnbuckles. Bo locks it in, but Ced snaps his head back into Bo’s mouth, Bo dropping him and spinning around. Ced hops onto the second turnbuckle and momentarily closes his eyes in concentration only to open them an instant later as he quickly ascends to the top and does a high-angle backflip over Bo. In midflip, Ced grabs Bo’s head and buries it into the mat as his BUTT hits the mat.

 

Stevens: “A Scum Gale from Ced! He’s calling from Thoth’s playbook!”

 

The crowd goes nuts as Ced pulls Bo away from the ropes to avoid any debate. Ced rolls him over collapses onto the Creative Control member as the referee counts the fall.

 

ONE!

 

 

 

TWO!

 

 

Bo’s legs are moving slightly, but his shoulders are still pinned.

THREE!

 

DING! DING! DING!

 

Funyon: “The winner of this bout by pinfall, CED ORDOOOONEEEEEZ!”

 

The Arco Arena comes alive once again as “Esaka?” hits the sound system and Ced’s arm is raised in victory. He rolls off of Bo and covers his face to hide the fatigue. The cameraman at ringside gets a close up of Ced as he rolls to his side revealing some bruising on his cheek. Ced realizes his looking into the camera and weakly shoos him away as he tries to roll out of the ring. The referee comes to assist him to the back with Ced’s tag belt in tow as Bo rests on his forearms before slamming his fists into the mat, upset over losing the match to Ced.

 

Stevens: “A big singles win for Ced Ordonez! He held his own against Perfect Bo and managed to overcome the odds and achieve a victory here on Storm!”

 

Riley: “But he had to use one of Thoth’s moves to put Bo away. He’s proven nothing in my book!”

 

At the entranceway, Ced pushes himself off of the referee and turns to salute the Sacramento crowd once more, before disappearing behind the curtain, one hand holding his title, the other holding his head. The SWF Storm logo is superimposed on the screen before it fades to black.

[Guest BA_Baracus]

Back in the site of Bret Hart's 1993 King Of The Ring title win (what else DID happen in this arena, hmmmm?), the camera scans the crowd as Mark Stevens' voice takes over.

 

Stevens: That was quite the encounter we've just seen between Bo and Ced, but what was even more shocking was one week ago at Dissention, Tod deKindes managed to retain his U.S. title and win the Best of Five series in what was a not too long but quite impactful steel cage match, Bobby.

 

Riley: (as footage from the PPV is shown) I don't know if it was something in the air that night in Colombus, but Tod was FEELING IT that night! After he STEAMROLLED over Annie Eclectic, he escaped --, no, he simply WALKED out of that cage to finally win that series without breaking much of a sweat, if you ask me.

 

Stevens: But it's what took place after the match that was interesting. You saw Tod nail referee Billy Chioda in the face with his title, and then he proceeded inside the cage to lay a further beatdown on the fallen Annie, both physical AND verbal!

 

Riley: And THIS is when it got good!

 

Stevens: I mean, I know they don't like each other but COME ON! He had won the match and now this?! I tell you, a LOT of people left the arena that night with a different opinion of Tod deKindes.

 

Riley: Who CARES what the little worthless sacks of skin think!! All that matters is that Tod deKindes showed that you do NOT mess with him unless you like the taste of blood in your own mouth!

 

Stevens: Well, nevertheless folks, we're gonna bring you Thoth going up against Mak Franc--

 

 

Stevens gets interrupted, as "Cold" by Static X fires up, a smattering of boos can be heard among the crowd. The lights turn into a dizzying array of strobe lights along with the accompanying smoke in the entrance way, as Tod slowly walks out; clad in his trenchcoat, shades and wrestling gear, along with his title belt resting on his shoulder. With a hint of a proud smirk on his face, Tod steps down the ramp all while pointing at his title belt and thumping his chest to indicate just how good he is. A quick hop up to the apron allows him to enter. He hops up to the top turnbuckle so he can give his true opinion on the fans who now seem to have shunned him. He steps down and takes a trip to the opposite turnbuckle, making sure to alienate everyone in the crowd with not so nice remarks. As the music dies down and as the lighting treatment returns to normal, Tod stops in the center of the ring, but not before grabbing a microphone from Funyon.

 

Stevens: What the hell is this, Bobby?

 

Riley: The U.S. Champion wants to talk, maggot!!

 

As the boos make themselves more overwhelming, Tod takes a second to turn his head from side to side, with a shit eating grin covering his face. After a few seconds, he finally speaks.

 

Tod: Thank you! … Now, I don't know what the problem is with all of you, but last week at Dissention I have DONE what I SAID I was gonna do, and that is WIN the Best Of Five series and RETAIN *MY* precious United States title!! (pauses for boos) … Over the past few weeks, I have beaten Annie Eclectic -- (the sudden mention of the name causes a small pop from the crowd) I have beaten Annie Eclectic THREE TIMES!! And her? NOT ONCE!! … Oh sure, she made me bleed on my forehead once, but really, does that count? … I didn't think so! She may drain all the blood she wants from me, but she will NEVER, EVER be able to beat me!!

 

Stevens: Give me a break…

 

Tod: So, Annie, I've been very patient with you; but as of this moment, you can now consider last Sunday night as your last title shot because there will be NO rematch whatsoever!! (boos)

 

Riley: Good!!

 

Tod: I'm gonna make all of you proud, and I'm gonna make all of XF9 proud, as I'll go on to defend MY title against ALL of the worthy contenders! People like Chris Raynor, or Z! Or even Danny Williams! Or what about H Ville Thugg!! You know he be reprazenting!

 

Riley: All of them GREAT competitors!

 

Stevens: C'mon, they're retired!

 

Tod: I would even give a title shot to anyone in the audience, really I WOULD! … But there's ONE person that's run OUT of title shots, and that's YOU, Annie! You have used up just about all of the patience I had, so now it's time for me to move on! Forget it, Annie! It's over!! *I* win and you LOSE!! I've beaten you time and time again and YOU - CAN - NOT - BEAT - ME!! (the boos make themselves more intense) PLEASE, I'm trying to address you people!!!

 

Stevens: All right, that's enough!

 

Tod: Oh, and one more thing, Annie … You think you could try and get to me with this whole 'Sara' thing? See, I don't think so, Fudge Cakes. You TRIED to use the Sara argument against me, and look where it got you. It left you with nothing but a wounded pride and your measly Light Heavyweight belt, but more importantly it left you DEFEATED right there on the m--…

 

He's suddenly cut off as Poe's "Angry Johnny" calmly fires up on the sound system, prompting an unheard of reaction for the Hardcore Queen, who seems to have won a lot of fans back simply by showing up tonight. She comes out gingerly, but is dressed to fight as always. With a mic in hand, she orders for her music to be cut … but takes a second to bask in the ovation that seems to be forming.

 

Riley: Aw hell no! Tell me she isn't here tonight!! That SORE LOSER is trying to reign on Tod's parade!!

 

Stevens: She's here, all right! And she's dressed to kill, actually kill!! And listen to this crowd in the Arco Arena!!

 

Annie: Y'know, Tod, you and I have had a hell of a ride together. You being the silent but violent angry warrior, and me trying to be your basic tough as nails pain in the ass chick. But now I'm starting to regret hearing you talk more because now you just won't seem to SHUT THE FUCK UP!! (this naturally draws the biggest reaction)

 

Riley: What a lack of class!! That little bitch!!

 

Annie: So, sure, you've won the Series. Congratulations. Now you got something to be happy about!

 

Tod: That's right, I did what you were NOT able to do: I WON and you LLLLL - OST!!

 

Annie: Can't argue there, You did win three of those matches, but I have a better idea. Rather than have you gloat on like an ass about it, let's talk about Sara for a second, shall we?

 

Tod's cocky demeanor drops in a flash to a more nervous glare.

 

Tod: No. Ohhh, no. You know there's NOTHING to talk about, Annie. Do NOT go there!!

 

Annie: (pointing to Tod) I think ALL these people would love to know just what DOES make you tick about this Sara girl. What IS it between you and her? Y'all wanna know?

 

The crowd erupts into a big cheer, while Tod starts to lose it.

 

Tod: (circling the ring like mad, yelling at fans) NO!! Shut up!! She's lying!!!

 

Annie: It aaaaall started a few years ago, when --

 

Tod: NO!! Annie!! If one more word comes out of your mouth, I will personally walk up that ramp and make you REGRET IT!! YOU STOP IT RIGHT THERE!! STOP IT RIGHT NO-- …

 

The sound is suddenly cut short as Tod taps his microphone … realizing that it's been cut off! He tries to dart out of the ring, lunging at Annie, but two security officials hold him down! Crowd is having a ball at watching this.

 

Riley: What is this?! This is the champion, let him go!!

 

Annie: Thanks guys, your check is in the mail. So... thanks to a few contacts and some extensive digging; THIS is the story of one Sara Berman. (Annie begins to pace from one end of the top of the ramp to the other) Young woman out of Boston (picture is helpfully displayed on the Smarktron), she was looking to complete her studies somewhere in Europe, which landed her in Berlin, Germany. And who did she meet but a promising young canadian wrestler! (a promotional picture of Tod is displayed on the 'tron) It was love at first sight for the two! Sara was so much smitten by her new guy that she wanted to settle down with him anywhere that he wanted to and have a family. This girl was gonna carry your child, Tod!! … (more boos directed towards the champion) … But alas, young Tod was concentrated on his wrestling career…

 

Riley: This is only a two hour show, y'know!

 

Annie: Long story short: Tod, that one night when she was READY to give herself to you; you DRUGGED her and had her shipped off to some rural town in Japan so you wouldn't have her in your way again and so could pursue your wrestling career!!

 

Stevens: WHAT??!

 

Riley: AND WHAT MAN WOULDN'T?!

 

That piece of news doesn't endear the rest of the now defunct Todheads, who now proudly admit their hate for the german (canadian?) grappler. He finally stops resisting the two muscle mountains holding him down, as he hangs his head in shame.

 

Stevens: The truth comes out at last!!

 

Annie: This is why it got to me that these people were so foolishly cheering someone the likes of you, Tod. I mean, how could you?!! She LOVED you, Tod. Do you know what that means? Do you know what it entails??? She would have followed you anywhere! She would have waited for you, kept a home for you... but no. Rather than be distracted, you ship her away! Out of sight, out of mind.

 

Tod has meanwhile re-entered the ring, with another functionning mic.

 

Tod: All right … ok … before someone does anything irrational here, let's think it over … What do you want, Annie?

 

Annie: Hey, it's simple. One simple proposal: I'll make sure to get rid of ALL the information I have about Sara; but on ONE condition.

 

Tod: Hey, anything! Is it girls? I know you don't mind the girls! Hell, with this phony german schtick I can pick up chicks like THAT!

 

Annie: I just want one thing from you, Tod … And that is one more FAIR shot at the U.S. title! … (pauses for cheers)

 

Tod: What?! No way!! If you'd have listened, I told you that you would get NO MORE title shots!!

 

Annie: See there's a problem. Since Sarah Leavenworth is STILL technically your business manager, she still sees over your contract, so I went to see her earlier today. And since you're dressed to wrestle and since *I'M* dressed to wrestle, she's decided that RIGHT NOW would be a good time…

 

Stevens: Oh YEAH!!

 

Riley: NO!!!!

 

***As the fans erupt into a mega pop, Mark Hebner can be seen jogging from the side of the ramp and into the ring, while Tod loses it and tries to protest it to Hebner. Annie throws down the microphone and power walks towards the ring, while Tod angrily throws his trench coat to the mat.***

 

Stevens: Looks like we're gonna get an impromptu U.S. title match right now!!

[Guest BA_Baracus]

" DING DING DING! "

 

Riley: What is this crap? The man said "No more title shots !!"

 

Stevens: Is he part of the booking committee?... I don't think so! One would assume that Sarah convinced Stubby and King well enough to get this signed, so we got a U.S. Title on the line!

 

Annie rolls into the ring and is forced to duck a clothesline from Tod deKindes. Turning and stepping back, Eclectic snaps off a hard stepping savate kick to Tod's jaw, dropping the Champion in an instant. Annie covers and hooks a leg as Hebner begins to count...

 

ONE...

 

TWO...

 

TH....Kickout!

 

Stevens: This would have been history making if Annie had taken the belt that quick!

 

Riley: But it won't be. I gotta admit, Tod deKindes has been growing on me and I'd hate to see the man lose the U.S. belt just as I've gotten to know him.

 

Stevens: Riley, he shipped a woman that loved him to another country to avoid distraction! Why didn't he just tell her that he wanted to pursue his career alone?

 

Riley: You know women, she'd just follow you around like a puppy, wanting to get every possible second she could steal from you …

 

Stevens: Bobby you are the LAST person to expound on how women work.

 

Annie brings her opponent up to his feet but gets pushed off by the recovered deKindes. Annie comes in with a right hand but gets blocked, and then absorbs one to her face. Tod then kicks Eclectic hard in the stomach and locks in a front face lock, draping Annie's arm over his. Tod then violently snaps back, whipping Annie back first into the mat. The champion keeps the hold on and rolls over, dragging Annie with him and bringing both back to their feet. Tod then lifts the woman up again and drops her facefirst with a front suplex, but drags her to her feet again and lifts her high up.... and turning to hit a front suplex onto the top rope! Tod releases the front face lock mercifully and allows the challenger to simply be draped over the rope...

 

Stevens: Sara Sequence... you had to know he'd want to hit that with all the backstory finally being aired out.

 

Riley: Ohhhhhh yes, and what better time? Annie took a royal beating to her ribs and back at Dissention, she must be crying everytime someone touches her there!

 

Stevens: I don't know about crying, but it does have to factor in. Will the "Hardcore Queen"'s pain tolerance help her here?

 

Riley: Let's hope not ...

 

Tod turns to the near ropes and leaps... landing on the second rope and springboarding off, twisting himself back towards Annie E, as if seated in mid air. deKindes extends his leg out... and drops it right across the back of Annie's neck, flipping her lower half over the top rope and landing with a thud on the mat. Tod drags her legs away from the ropes then grabs one and rolls into a cover as Hebner drops for the count....

 

ONE...

 

TWO...KICKOUT!

 

Stevens: An impressive move by the champion, but not enough to take the Hardcore Queen out ... but you get the feeling that he knows this. This is the seventh time these two have been on the opposite sides in a match, I dont think either one can surprise the other tonight.

 

Riley: True, but cover every possible time, and put your legs on the ropes whenever the ref is not looking.

 

Stevens: ... Bobby Riley, role model.

 

Tod lands a couple quick elbows onto the fallen Eclectic to keep her down, then looks up at the turnbuckles. deKindes begins to climb the corner, slipping for a second on the first rope before continuing up to the top. Tod stands up to his full height, facing outside the ring on the top rope. He takes a deep breath ... then leaps high, flipping backwards in a beautiful moonsault ... but his legs get caught on Annie Eclectic's shoulders! Taking the momentum, Annie pushes backwards and sits out ... driving the Champion face first to the mat! The crowd explodes in cheers and awe as Annie rolls deKindes over onto his back near the ropes and hooks one for the cover ...

 

 

ONE...

 

 

TWO...

 

...

 

 

Stevens: Dammit! Tod gets lucky as his leg finds the ropes to break the count!

 

Riley: Luck? That's called Ring Presence! Ric Flair had it, Harley Race had it, Terry Taylor had it and now Tod deKindes has it!!

 

Stevens: Still, an amazing counter to an equally amazing move as Annie Eclectic counters one of the best moonsaults I've seen in a long time into an equally stunning Hollowpoint Driver! I think half the audience are clapping from shock! … Harley Race, the hell? …

 

Annie brings herself up to one knee and lets out a sigh of relief and exasperation. Pulling the Champion up, Annie whips deKindes into the ropes and leaps forward, nailing a flying forearm against his jaw. The champion drops to the mat as Annie crosses over to the opposite ropes. The Hardcore Queen rebounds off the ropes and lets her feet go up into the air, her body becoming parallel with the mat just before her weight drops with a thud ... onto empty mat!

 

Riley: YES! Not that I don't think a young buck like Tod couldn't take a wimpy senton from a waif like Annie, but deKindes can start to REALLY wreak havoc on the bitch now.

 

Stevens: "Young Buck" ... Either you're really sixty years old or you've been reading those slash fanfics again.

 

Riley: ... ... I can't respond to that.

 

Stevens: Then my job is done.

 

Both Tod and Annie reach their feet at the same time but Tod attacks first with a kick to the challenger's side, sending waves of pain throughout her body. deKindes grabs her wrist then irish whips her hard into the corner, follwing in with a hard running lariat. The champion then whips her hard into the opposite corner, running full speed into Annie again with a clothesline that nearly takes her head off. The challenger begins to slump in the corner, but deKindes refuses to let up, throwing her into the opposite corner again. Tod measures his opponent, then takes a running start, throwing himself shoulder first towards Annie's ribs... and catching nothing but STEEL POST!!!

 

Stevens: (yelling to be heard over the crowd pop) Annie E moves out of the way and the Champion pays for it hard! His shoulder has been through a good deal during this series and that post shot could have done a lot of damage!

 

Riley: Stop hoping for another man's dismay and pain, Mark! Damn you and your sadistic nature!

 

Annie quickly thrusts Tod's head between her legs for a standing head scissor, setting up the champion for what looks like your standard Memphis piledriver. Annie tries to lift him up but Tod's feet remain planted on the mat as he swings his body up and sends Annie over the ropes to the outside!

 

Riley: YES!! C'mon Tod, back drop that bitch ALL THE WAY TO HELL!!

 

Tod takes a moment to recover as he holds himself up on the ropes. As Annie starts making her way back up to her feet, Tod crosses the ropes and starts to climb up to the top turnbuckle.

 

Riley: And now he's gonna fly!

 

Stevens: Well, change in attitude or not, you know that Tod likes to take it to the skies to get the job done.

 

Tod tries to goad a reaction out of the crowd, asking if they wanna see him jump or not. The respond quite favorably, always the suckers for some good high flying. Tod readies himself on the top rope, ready to spring into action … but he flips everybody off, drops back on the apron and kicks Annie in the head instead.

 

Riley: BWAHAHAHAHAHAAA, aw that was GOLD!

 

Stevens: Cute. Reeaaal cute.

 

Tod measures up the staggering Annie, and then hops off the ring apron, nailing Annie on the upper back with a stunning double ax handle. He quickly grabs her by the hair again, bringing her into the vertical suplex position once again.

 

Riley: Great, he's gonna give her the Sara Sequence on the floor!

 

Stevens: No, it actually looks like the dreaded Half Hour Suplex!

 

Indeed, as Tod has Annie high up in the air and upside down, maintaining her in such a position.

 

Riley: Watch all that blood rush to the head!

 

After a good fifteen seconds, Tod simply falls to his back, dropping Annie with authority onto the ring side mats! She lets out a silent groan of pain, as her face contorts itself with agony. Tod confidently rolls up to his feet, fixes his tights and rolls in and back out to break Mark Hebner's ten count. He pulls up Annie by the hair, all while shouting and making big waving motions with his arm at the first few rows of fans.

 

Tod: Move!!

 

As the concerned fans start to scramble to move out of the way, Tod gets a better grip on Annie, almost ready to chuck her into this sea of empty humanity.

 

Riley: He's gonna throw her into the crowd!!

 

Stevens: Come on ref, get in there!!

 

With everybody out of the way and cramped up against the far railings, Tod goes to propulse Annie over the barricade … only he turns around and throws her back into the ring!

 

Tod: AAAHHH - HAHAHAHAHAHAAA!! You worthless morons!! I got you ALL!!

 

Embarrassed at having to all move from their seats like that, the crowd let their hatred come out at Tod, who can do nothing but revel in it and have a good laugh at the expense of the crowd.

 

Riley: (holding back another snicker) Ok, this guy is KILLING ME!! … Hee hee …

 

With Annie still prone on the canvas, Tod hops up to the apron and calculates carefully his next move. He springs up to the top rope, twisting his body 180 degrees in the process, positioning himself for a moonsault. A half second later, he back flips off the rope, but Annie moves! Tod had THAT well scouted as he lands back on his feet. He charges at Annie with a vicious clothesline attempt but it's quickly ducked under by Annie. She counters with an immediate Irish whip attempt, but THAT's reversed by Tod; as he sends Annie running the ropes. She ducks under a back elbow attempt and then FLIES off her feet on the second bounce off the ropes. Tod catches the crossbody attempt and shakes his head.

 

Tod: Aw - HELL - no!

 

Stevens: Nice counter by Tod, setting up Annie for the Formula For Failure!

 

Tod spins Annie around, but she almost immediately swings her legs in such a fashion that she spins ALL the way around Tod and into a crucifix to a pinfall!

 

ONE!

 

TWO!

 

…

 

Kick out by the champ. Both fighters scramble up to their feet but Annie catches Tod right away with a small package!

 

ONE!

 

TWO!

 

…

 

Another kick out by Tod. He tries to stop Annie's onslaught once again with a beheading clothesline, but she ducks under and scores with a backslide!

 

ONE!

 

TWO!

 

…

 

Amazingly enough, Tod slides his shoulder off the canvas to avoid the upset. Having had enough, Tod cuts off Annie's momentum with an unforgiving thumb to the eye. He backs her all the way up into a corner, where he proceeds to hammer her with a devastating series of knee lifts to the mid section. Breaking Hebner's five count just in time, Tod sends Annie running to the opposite corner with a hard Irish whip, of which she takes the full brunt of with her back. She staggers out gingerly, but Tod just as quickly meets up with her and sends her running to the ropes once again with an Irish whip. He catches her in an amazing military press slam, only to drop her ribs right againt his knee!

 

Stevens: What a gut buster by Tod deKindes! Some would say that his new attitude of his has given him more of a killer instinct, Bobby.

 

Riley: Not only that, it's been AWAKENED in him! He knows NO B.S. anymore and now he gets right to it! He knows that Annie has bad ribs and by God he's gonna work on 'em !

 

Tod measures an elbow and drops it right on the mid section area of the Hardcore Queen, followed up by a cover attempt.

 

ONE!

 

TWO!

 

TH …

 

Kick out by Annie. Tod unleashes with a brief flurry of stomps to the abdomen of Annie, before raising her up to her feet again. He grabs hold of her left wrist, only to send her running once again back first hard into a corner. He charges right away and FINALLY hits that corner spear on the dazed Annie, further weakening her already bad ribs. Irish whip back into the initial corner, as Tod connects with ANOTHER vicious corner spear!

 

Stevens: I think that one moved the ring!

 

Riley: Don't worry, she'll cough up blood any minute now …

 

As Annie is about ready to collapse from her abdominal pain, Tod props her up on the top turnbuckle, giving her the best seat in the house for … well, a perfect view of the ring, I guess. Tod places her legs inside the ropes for the proper positionning and peppers her with a series of right hands. After shrugging off Mark Hebner's warnings with a mere nonchalant "Shyadduuup!!", Tod trots up the ropes and sends Annie flying halfway across the ring with a superb flying hurracanrana!

 

Riley: What a move, isn't it Stevens!!

 

Stevens: Right, good agility indeed.

 

Riley: I once had a jobber stiff me during a chinlock sequence in a spot show in Podunk, Iowa; so I broke his neck with that flying headscissor, y'know.

 

Stevens: Did you …

 

Tod quickly crawls over and puts on the lateral press for the cover attempt.

 

ONE!

 

TWO!

 

TH …

 

Shoulder up by Annie. Speaking of a chinlock, Tod takes a second to latch on that very same controlling hold on the helpless Annie, as Hebner dives in to check the hold.

 

Stevens: These two have had quite the rivalry over the past month or two. Their meeting at Genesis didn't help solve matters, and then their subsequent Best Of Five series didn't really solve anything either …

 

Riley: Didn't solve anything?!? What are you ON?! Tod deKindes WON that series FAIR AND SQUARE. He didn't HAVE to defend his title tonight against Annie!

 

Stevens: If you ask me, he's gotten on the bad side of a couple people recently, namely his business manager Sarah Leavenworth. Hopefully this'll set him straight!

 

Riley: I don't get it, how can XF9 do that to their top star?!

 

Stevens: Top star?? Bobby, Tod deKindes has been kicked out of XF9 during this past week!!

 

Riley: Pcch, yeah, right. Like they would REALLY thin out their own ranks by getting rid of THE wrestler that's put them on the map!

 

Stevens: What HAS he done for XF9 anyway?

 

Riley: …

 

Meanwhile, Annie has her fist hanging as up high as she can, letting the entire audience know that she's not about ready to give up just yet.

 

Stevens: You gotta know that this match right here will pretty much settle this rivalry once and for all! These two have been going at it tooth and nail for a long time, and -- …

 

Riley: And Tod's been kicking her ass all along, let's face it!!

 

Stevens: There's some shade of truth to that indeed, Bobby; as Tod has had most of the upper hand during these past few months. One win here for him would send Annie out of contendership for good!

 

Riley: Yeah, then she'll be stuck defending her pipsqueak belt against guys like Xero!!

 

As Tod keeps cranking on the chinlock, Mark Hebner decides to go check Annie for life signs. She doesn't allow him that priviledge however, as her arm and leg starts quivering with a sense of renewed hope.

 

Stevens: Looks like there's still some fight left in Annie, Bobby!

 

Riley: Come on, Tod!! The ropes are right there, buddy!!

 

Tod tries his best to contain Annie's resurgence, but Annie's comeback is too intense to be countered. Once she's back up on her feet, she frees herself of Tod's controlling arms as she buries a series of elbows and forearms to Tod's own rib area. Holding HER own ribs for half a second, she throws herself into the ropes, not quite yet sure as to what to throw next. That proves costly, as Tod simply catches her rebounding off the ropes with a brutal clothesline that sends Annie down hard! Tod casually bounces off the ropes and drives down a SOLID knee drop right on the forehead. Another lateral press for the cover by Tod.

 

ONE!

 

TWO!

 

THR-- …

 

Stevens: NO!!

 

Riley: Oh come on, Hebner! My date from LAST NIGHT can count better than you!!

 

Stevens: Yeah but Hebner's not full of hot air!

 

Riley: Hey, wh-- … Wait, isn't he?

 

Tod raises Annie up to her feet by the hair, … but then decides to put her back down with another big time knee lift to the gut. Back up to her feet Annie goes with the aforementionned method, this time Tod Irish whips her hard into a neutral corner, where she goes in face first. Tod grabs Annie as she staggers back into an inverted facelock, grabs hold of the her tights and sends HIGH up and back down with an impressive reverse suplex!

 

Riley: What a move!!

 

Stevens: This could do it!! The cover!

 

ONE!

 

TWO!

 

THR-- …

 

Another shoulder up from the Hardcore Queen, as Tod starts questionning Mark Hebner's count.

 

Stevens: This girl has an amazing amount of fight left in her!

 

Riley: Or stupidity.

 

Stevens: No... I'm pretty sure it's fight.

 

Pulling Annie up to her feet, Tod begins a barrage of fists to the ribs and side. Eclectic tries to block but her pain and fatigue slow her down as mroe blows land to her unprotected ribs. Hebner walks up with another warning to the Champion but he shrugs it off as he backs Annie E into the corner again. Holding onto the second rope, he shoulder charges Annie in the ribs, followed by a second... a third, and then winds up for a huge bitchslap to the face. Jeers explode from the crowd at the lack of honor.

 

Riley: Heh heh heh, shows that bitch where her place is.

 

Stevens: deKindes is definitly making it known that he doesn't give two wet slaps about anyone but himself.

 

Riley: Why shouldn't he? He's a hot rising star...

 

Stevens: Never... EVER use the words "Hot" and "Rising" in front of me again.

 

Riley: What....?

 

Tod runs appears to run over to the turnbuckles on the same side as the one Annie is currently slumped against, but then veers just enough to bounce off the ropes beside it. With the added momentum Tod deKindes charges full speed...

 

Stevens: He's angled to go straight into Annie's ribs! Even on a healthy opponent he could break them!

 

Riley: Yeeeheeees, now THAT's what I'm talking about! "Win at all costs" Mark, and this is what it means!

 

deKindes jumps forward, his speed putting untold force into... the STEEL POLE AGAIN! Tod's body bumples slightly, balancing for a split second between the top and second rope before teeter tottering back into the ring, clutching his shoulder. With frantic speed Annie drags the Champion's upper body away from the ropes and mounts his back. Snaking one arm around his hurt shoulder and up through his back, she locks hands with her other arm which is draped across Tod's throat. Before he can realize the position he's in, the pain and constriction around his throat multiply as Annie's elbows rest upon her knees and the Hardcore Queen leans back...

 

 

Stevens:(yelling over the crowd pop) TRIPLE C!!! This move has taken out scores of wrestlers in the SWF! Annie goes straight after that shoulder that -has- to be hurting after not one but TWO shots into the steel pole!

 

Riley: Yes Mark but remember, Annie tried twice to make deKindes succumb to the Triple C during their epic series... and deKindes NEVER SURRENDERED! I -highly doubt it's going to happen now!

 

Stevens: This is going to be the turning point of the match, either way I can tell you that much! I wonder how smart this move is however, as this move is practically a perpetual ab crunch, and those ribs have taken a royal beating over Annie's last two matches....

 

Annie leans back, pooling all her strength into just leaning back and tightening the hold. Tod's arms shoots out straight, not allowing any room for the referee to believe that he is submitting. The arm around his throat tightens, cutting off even more air to the brain, which is starting to feel the effects of reduced oxygen. The Champion's shoulder gets more and more pressure, being pulled away from the socket and his body is being wrenched backwards more and more. Annie's face turns red as tears start to roll from her eyes. The challenger screams out in pain...

 

Riley: C'mon TOD! You can fight through this!!!

 

Stevens: It's a vicious move, it cuts off your air, pulls the shoulder out from the socket and wrenches your back out, it's nasty, but I wonder if Annie can keep it on! She's in vicious pain from those ribs and to complete this move you need, I stress NEED your abdominal muscles to keep the hold on! She must be sacrificing a lot to keep this hold on.

 

Riley: HANG ON! Tod can get out of this if he just waits for Annie to remove the hold!

 

Stevens: A race.... it's a race against pain!

 

Tod's eyes begin to move despite his commands to stay still. His vision blurs as the pain and lack of air take it's heavy toll on his brain. His struggles become less and less strong as his arm falls limply to the mat. The Champion can feel his arm being raised, and then dropped but has no faculties to stop it from dropping. His mind feels immersed in a cloud as his senses barely register his arm raising and dropping a second time. His eyes close as he feels his arm being raised for a third time..... and then a rush of air enters his lungs. His mind clears enough to realize the hold is not on... and his opponent laying on the groung writhing in pain.

 

Stevens: She HAD him! Tod deKindes was out, and about to surrender to the Triple C but the strain on her ribs was too great and she was forced to release the hold!

 

Riley: If Tod can get his wits back around him he can take this thing, it doesn't look like Annie's recovering any time soon.

 

Stevens: I'm afraid you might be right...

 

deKindes stands on his feet, slightly wobbling but starting to feel his strength return. The Champion rolls his arm around, trying to shake off the immense pain radiating from the shoulder socket. Walking over to his opponent carefully, he sends a weak stomp to her midsection, just to ensure she wasn't playing possum. Annie simply rolls slightly and continues to cry on the mat, the pain in her ribs too intense for her to move. Pulling the Hardcore Queen to her feet, the Champion smells a final victory as he kicks her hard in the ribs, then braces himself against her side. Threading one of her arms through her own legs and holding it with his hand, he snakes his other arm underneath his opponents in a pump handle position. He pools his strength and lifts his opponent high up onto his shoulder... which gives out for a second allowing his opponent to slide behind him and down to the mat! She shoots her arm up to Tod's midsection and pulls him over, rolling him up in a schoolboy pin! The referee is nearly too surprised to count but drops down...

 

ONE...

TWO...

THREE!!!!

 

 

DING DING DING

 

Funyon: Your winner, by way of Pinfall.... the "HARDCORE QUEEN" ....Aaaaannniiiiiiieeee Eeeeecleeeeectiiiiic!!!!!

 

"Angry Johnny" by Poe begins to play over the Arena's sound system as Annie rolls outside of the ring. Holding onto her ribs, she fumbles to grab both belts from the timekeeper's table and hold them as Hebner tries to raise her other hand in victory. The crowd's cheers begin to drown out the music playing as tears roll from Annie's eyes.

 

Stevens: SHE DID IT! Talk about a monkey off your back, Annie Eclectic has finally shown that she can beat Tod deKindes!

 

Riley: ARE YOU BLIND??? That was a fast count, and we got a referee named "Hebner"! Can't you add it up, this is a screwjob! Plain and simple.

 

Stevens: It wasn't, you know it, and hard cheese! Listen to this capacity crowd behind this woman who gave all of herself tonight to try and capture glory over a man who had beaten her for quite some time. A lot of respect to deKindes for holding the prestigious US title so long, but we have a NEW, yes NEW Champion, her name is Annie Eclectic!

 

Riley: That is a tainted win and I can prove it... somehow! I'm going to Stubby...

 

Stevens: And we're going to commercial, we have three more matches lined up... at least three more that we know about, and they're next on S W F Storm!!!

 

Just before we cut to commercial, we see a tearful and pained Annie Eclectic, smiling as she holds the Light Heavyweight Belt in one hand, and the United States Title in the other...

[Guest BA_Baracus]

“We just saw one half of the tag team champs in action against Perfect Bo... what a great reception for the Bemani Cross Wizard in his hometown!”

 

“And now the other half is on deck, ready to face Mak Francis!” says Riley, managing to stay sane and make intelligent comments.

 

Bobby Riley Intelligence Breakdown in 3... 2... 1...

 

“I wonder if they’ve got Mak playing that really gay game too.”

 

“Don’t knock it just because you suck at it, Riley. Not everyone can have rhythm like Funyon or the Midnight Carnival.”

 

“Well, people look stupid on it? Who’d want to go and be embarrassed in the middle of a crowd?”

 

“In that case,” replies Mark Stevens, “You can purchase the new DDRMAX for PS2, with songs from Darude, Aurora, JS16, and Reel to Real! The hot new installment of the best dance game around! Available now!”

 

I SHILL GOOD

 

“In any case, the important thing is at Dissention, Mak Francis clearly displayed it, seemingly severing ties with the Magnificent Seven and joining up with the Bemani Cross Wizards.”

 

“Lord knows what Thoth and Ced are teaching the Franchise.”

 

“In any case, the SWF cameras caught up with them backstage moments prior to their match against each other.”

 

(Thoth is sitting on some cargo boxes in the backstage area, talking to Mak.

 

“Now look... I know we’re on the same side now... but don’t let that stop you. I know you can fight, hell, you’ve beaten me before. There’s three things I truly enjoy in this world: a good game, a good lay, and a good fight. And of these, I want you to provide the last one, and occasionally the first one. And if you can indirectly provide the second one, great. Got it?” Thoth leans in, glaring suggestively at the Franchise. Mak smirks back. “You bet, chief. Honor, right?”

 

“You got it. Both men head out towards the ring as the camera fades out of that scene and shows a wide shot of the ring. “Little Mac’s Confession” by Game Over starts to play, the strobe lights coming on and starting to flash slowly, picking up with speed as Funyon starts us off:

 

“The following contest is scheduled for one fall! Introducing first, from Aechiba, Japan, weighing in at 236 pounds, he is one half of the S-W-F Tag Team Champions... THOOOOTH!”

 

The Balancer adjusts his wristbands as he ascends the turnbuckle from the apron, standing tall atop it with his arms raised before leaping down, the flickering lights and wailing vocals fading into the darkness.

 

The arena falls into a deep blue hue, accompanied by ever-present white. “Are You Ready” flashes repeatedly on the Smarktron.

 

“Cause the Franchise is here.”

 

“And his opponent,” says Funyon, as the Franchise appears on the stage, “from Philadelphia, Pennsylvania, weighing 225 pounds... THE FRANCHISE, MAAAAAK FRAANNNCIS!”

 

The Franchise cracks his neck out as he stands on the apron, just outside the ring’s domain. Steeling himself, he enters through the ropes, watching his opponent be illuminated by his blue and white lights. The blue bouncing off of Thoth’s overly red features makes him appear like a living silhouette, an unknown factor in the ring. His facial features reveal themselves once the lights the normal yellow-ish white. Standing on opposite sides of the ring, the two men share a brief bout of eye contact before the bell rings.

 

*DING DING DING*

 

There is one moment before both men start moving, one moment indiscernable to the crowd and the TV audience, and only Thoth and Francis pick up on it, Mak nodding ever so slightly before dropping into an amateur wrestling stance. Thoth mimicks him as best he can, his amateur background nowhere near as well rounded as the Franchise’s. They close the distance with spiral patterns towards the center of the ring, until finally, they lock up! Thoth’s veteran fighting spirit clashes with Mak’s technical no-how. Thoth battles on instinct, countering each subtle move as best he can, gritting his teeth and bulging his veins as he struggles, daring not to blink... but suddenly, Thoth finds himself on his back, with Mak clutching his neck in a vice grip! Thoth is motionless for a moment, the fact that he is on his back taking a moment to register in his brain.

 

“Mak with the first advantage of the match... no one, save Tom Flesher, can probably compete with his raw amateur background,” says Stevens, adding some flavor to the match. Back on the ground, Thoth realizes that he was toyed with, that Mak was just pretending to struggle against him, when in actuality, he was just waiting for the right moment to put him back on the ground. Thoth doesn’t recognize all of this at one time, but he gets enough to be able to be afraid and motivated at the same time. He gets pulled back to his feet by Mak, but escapes out of his grasp and locks up with him again, cinching in a tight side headlock, but Mak has none of it, shoving Thoth into the ropes, knocking the Balancer down off his rebound with a shoulder block. He runs into the opposite set of ropes as Thoth rolls over onto his stomach. Mak hops over as Thoth gets to his feet and holds his arm out for an arm drag. Mak sees it, focusing his glare on it, and hops through as Thoth tries to take him onto his back. Mak holds him tight, keeping him cinched... but Thoth lets go, and as he starts to lose control of his own body, he swings a kick around... and nails Mak in the back of the head! The Franchise goes down as Thoth makes the first cover of the match!

 

ONE!

 

TWO!

 

And a kickout by Mak Francis. “There’s two sides to this match,” remarks Stevens. “The amateur wrestling style of Mak Francis, and the unorthodox martal arts style of Thoth. While I don’t want to play favorites, I know from research and experience that in a wrestling environment, the wrestler will win. However, that’s definitely not a knock against Thoth’s wrestling abilities.”

 

“Huh,” counters Bobby Riley, “It sure sounded like one. Hey, why don’t you all do us a favor and get your biased ass out of that chair, and let me do the commentating!”

 

“Jesus, Riley, there’s no need to get all bent out of shape over a game,” he replies calmly.

 

“But the arrows... there’s so many arrows! How the hell do they do it? How?!”

 

Thoth looks down and hesitates before laying in a stomp to the downed Mak. His body shudders with each press... but all of a sudden, Tom Flesher appears on the stage, running down!

 

“What the?”

 

Tom Flesher charges into the ring, knocking Thoth down with a clothesline, picking him up and throwing him into the ropes, throwing forearm after forearm! The referee calls for the bell and the DQ, but Thoth is only able to get Tom out of the ring with Mak’s help. Tom sneers, Thoth sneers, Mak sneers.

 

“Just when we think it’s over... it continues,” remarks Stevens. “Who will fire the next shot?”

[Guest BA_Baracus]

The final commercial break of the evening fades away, replaced a moment later by a shot of the inside of the Arco Arena, filled to the brim with alcohol-swigging, sign-waving, overexcited fans! The camera pans around the stands for a few seconds, broadcasting this image to the millions of fans watching at home as the SWF Storm Theme pounds in the background. Finally, the shot switches to Bobby Riley and Mark Stevens, who are sitting behind their announce desks, looking almost as pumped as the capacity crowd.

 

Stevens: And welcome back to SWF Storm, ladies and gentlemen! If you’re just tuning in, you’ve missed the most exciting, entertaining, and downright WACKY Halloween episode we’ve ever had!

 

Riley: We’ve had Halloween episodes before?

 

Stevens: I’m too excited to care! Because right now, we’ve reached our evening’s Main Event!

 

Riley: And what a match it’ll be, as we all bear witness to Frost ripping El Luchadore Magnifico into tiny tiny pieces!

 

Stevens: Interpreted, Riley is saying that tonight’s Main Event features El Luchadore Magnifico, the newly-crowned World Champion, taking on the Icelandic Monster, Frost!

 

Riley: Bah, you don’t have to water it down for those idiots, Stevens! Frost is here simply to destroy that dirty Mexican, not “face him”.

 

Stevens: Just like Sacred destroyed him last night?

 

Riley: Shut up! I’ve told you a million times, that was the biggest fluke in the history of everything!

 

Stevens: Of course it was, Riley. While Bobbi here goes through the denial stage, let’s hand it over to Funyon and get this match started!

 

The camera cuts to Funyon, who is standing in the middle of the ring, microphone in hand. Suddenly, “Frost Wants to Kill your Mamma" by Dweezil Zappa kicks up over the speakers, immediately drawing a wave of boos from the fans as the chorus of the song echoes throughout the arena...

 

Frost wants to kill your mamma.

Frost wants to kill your mamma.

Frost wants to burn your dad.

He gets real mean when you make him mad.

 

Frost lumbers out from behind the curtain and slowly, purposefully strides to the ring with one arm raised and his fist clenched, ignoring the boos that are shouted at him from every direction. Frost’s cigar, trapped between his lips, glows eerily as he slowly makes his way down the ramp.

 

Funyon: Ladies and gentlemen, this non-title contest is scheduled for one fall! Introducing first, from Reykjavik, Iceland, weighing in at 296 pounds...Frrrooossst!!

 

Upon reaching the ring, Frost climbs onto the apron and over the top rope, before picking the cigar out of his mouth and grounding it into the top turnbuckle, nearly setting it on fire. Frost unceremoniously tosses the cigar aside and throws it into the crowd, only to have it thrown back a second later, nearly hitting the Icelandian as it glides over the ring. Frost fails to notice, however, and begins to stretch in the center of the ring as he waits for his opponent. Suddenly, a Mexican voice comes over the speakers, shouting “UNO! DOS! TRES! CUATRO!” as a burst of pyro shoots upwards from each turnbuckle in conjunction with each shouted word. The fans immediately burst into cheers, nearly drowning out “Mission Trip to Mexico” by Bunch of Believers. After a second or two, El Luchadore Magnifico bursts out from behind the curtain, clutching the World Title in one hand and his Mexican Flag in the other. Magnifico, grinning wildly, pauses at the top of the ramp and raises his arms to a 45 degree angle, posing proudly as thousands of flashbulbs bathe him in light.

 

Funyon: And now, from Mexico City, Mexico, weighing in at 193 pounds, he is the SWF World Heavyweight Champion...El Luchadooooooorre Magnificoooooo!!

 

Upon hearing his name, Magnifico breaks from his pose and heads down the ramp, taking both of his possessions in one hand. ELM slaps fans’ hands as he approaches the ring, before breaking into a sprint and sliding beneath the bottom rope, gliding into the mat belly-first. Magnifico pops to his feet inside the ring and hops onto the nearby second turnbuckle, waving his Mexican flag in one hand and thrusting the World Title into the air with the other as Frost looks on, amused. After a few seconds, ELM hops off of the turnbuckle and walks over to the ref, handing him both the flag and the title. His hands full with a Mexican guy’s stuff, the ref signals for the bell, officially getting this match underway.

 

DING DING DING

 

Riley: Well, don’t get too comfortable, Stevens. As soon as Frost squashes the luchadore, we can get out of here.

 

Stevens: Why are you in such a hurry?

 

Riley: Why, it’s thong night at the Rainb-er, I mean, I wanna get home to my wife and kids. Yeah, that’s the ticket.

 

Stevens: Uh huh. Pull up your pants, Riley, I can practically see your crack.

 

ELM and Frost glare at each other for a second, before they begin circling each other around the ring, coming closer and closer to one another as they approach the center. Once they are close enough, both men lunge towards each other, locking up and pushing each other back and forth as they vie for control. Suddenly, Frost shoves Magnifico forward, throwing ELM to the mat with ease! As soon as Magnifico lands, he pops back to his feet, only to have Frost level him with a right hook to the jaw! ELM spins away from Frost, rubbing his jaw, and stumbles into the ropes, which he leans up against as Frost approaches him from behind. The Icelandian grabs Magnifico by the shoulder and spins him around, before grabbing ELM by the arm and whipping him across the ring, towards the far ropes. Magnifico bounces off of the ropes and rushes back towards Frost, and as he approaches, Frost lashes out with a Clothesline, only to have ELM duck beneath his arm and continue running! Magnifico bounces off of the ropes behind Frost and rushes back towards him as Frost spins around to face the luchadore. As ELM approaches his opponent, he suddenly dives at Frost’s leg, his arm stuck out as if for a Clothesline! Magnifico’s arm clips Frost’s left knee, sweeping his leg out from under him and causing Frost to fall to the mat, face-first!

 

Stevens: As massive as Frost is, he may have trouble with Magnifico’s incredible speed. Especially if one of his legs are taken out.

 

Frost turns onto his back and immediately tries to get back up, but ELM is quicker, as he pops back to his feet and begins stomping away at Frost’s left knee, trying to damage it as much as possible before he gets up! Suddenly, Frost shoves his right foot into Magnifico’s gut and pushes forward, knocking ELM backwards and into the ropes! Rid of Magnifico for a second, Frost quickly gets back to his feet, only to have ELM charge at him the second he stands! But as Magnifico approaches, Frost suddenly thrusts out his right hand and clutches ELM around the throat, setting him up for a Chokeslam! The crowd begins to boo, but immediately reverts to cheering as Magnifico begins bashing away at Frost’s gut, hitting him with kick after kick in a desperate attempt to escape! Finally, Frost, weakened from the kicks, releases his grip, allowing Magnifico to turn around and break for the ropes once more! ELM bounces off and rushes back towards Frost, and as he approaches, Frost suddenly throws his boot into the air, driving it into Magnifico’s chin with a Big Boot! An impressed OHHH! rises from the crowd as ELM snaps backwards to the mat, his hand on his chin.

 

Riley: I don’t see any trouble here, do you?

 

Stevens: It’s not even a minute into the match, give it a bit of time.

 

Riley: I’ll do no such thing! I want results, dammit!

 

Magnifico tries to get back to his feet, but Frost grabs him by the arm before he can, jerking the luchadore to his feet before using his grip to whip him into the corner. ELM turns around pre-impact and lands in the corner, back first, as Frost approaches him. The big man delivers a few boots to ELM’s gut, before grabbing him by the arm and whipping him hard across the ring, towards the opposite corner. Frost quickly charges after him, hoping to crush ELM in the corner, when the luchadore suddenly jumps onto the second turnbuckle, before leaping backwards off of it! Magnifico backflips over a charging Frost, leaving him to crash chest-first into the corner as ELM lands on his feet behind him! Frost stumbles backwards, slightly stunned from the impact, as Magnifico leaps into the air and kicks out his feet, driving them into the back of Frost’s right knee! Frost’s leg is knocked out from under him, causing him to fall flat on his back, shaking the ring with his impact! ELM immediately drops to his knees and covers Frost, hooking the leg as the ref slide into position...

 

ONE...

 

TW-No! Frost kicks out with authority, as he grabs Magnifico by the shoulder and literally throws him off his body! ELM lands on the mat as Frost begins pushing himself back to his feet, slowed down just a bit by the pain in his leg.

 

Stevens: Beautiful flying backflip from Magnifico, capped off with a Dropkick to Frost’s knee!

 

Riley: You’re gushing over a freaking backflip?! Poor, senile old Stevens. So easily impressed.

 

Magnifico pops to his feet as Frost stands, charging at the Icelandian only to have Frost drive his knee forward, slamming it into ELM’s gut and doubling him over! With Magnifico bent over and clutching his gut, Frost is able to pull him into a Suplex position, before lifting the luchadore into the air, holding him perpendicular to the mat and drawing another impressed OHHH! from the crowd. Frost simply holds Magnifico there, showcasing his awesome strength...before falling onto his back, pulling ELM down with him and slamming his skull into the mat with a Brainbuster! Magnifico limply falls onto his back as Frost floats onto him for the cover, making the pin as the ref slides into position...

 

ONE...

 

TWO...No! Magnifico gets a shoulder up at two and a half, drawing a cheer from the crowd. Undeterred, Frost rolls off of ELM and quickly stands, before grabbing the luchadore by his arm and pulling him to his feet. Frost then uses his grip to whip Magnifico across the ring, sending him rushing towards the far ropes. ELM bounces off of the ropes and charges back towards Frost, and as he approaches, Frost grabs him by the leg and shoulder and lifts the luchadore into the air, hoisting him upwards with a Gorilla Press! But as Frost is pressing, Magnifico manages to slip out of his grasp, landing on his feet directly behind Frost! Before Frost even has the chance to turn around, ELM leaps onto his back and wraps his arms around Frost’s neck, locking in a Sleeper! The fans cheer and laugh as Magnifico clutches onto Frost’s neck with dear life, while Frost flails his arms in a futile attempt to knock ELM off his back.

 

Riley: Aw, c’mon, what is this? Can’t Magnifico wrestle Frost without having to latch onto his back like a spider monkey?

 

Stevens: Last time I checked, spider monkeys can’t apply Sleeper Holds, Riley.

 

Riley: Says you! We’re just lucky that they’re all locked up, or people would be knocked out left and right!

 

After a few seconds in the Sleeper, Frost realizes that action must be taken, and begins backing up towards the nearest corner, looking to drive ELM into it! Magnifico, unable to unlatch himself in time, is crushed in between Frost and the turnbuckles, drawing a collective wince out of the crowd. However, Magnifico refuses to let go, and maintains the sleeper as Frost steps out of the corner! The lack of blood to the head starts to get to Frost, however, as he suddenly falls to one knee, looking dazed and tired as ELM wrenches away at his neck. The crowd begins to grow louder and louder, sensing Frost’s weakness, as the big man remains on one knee, seemingly getting more tired by the second. Suddenly, Frost shoots his eyes open and lets out a bellowing yell, before popping back to his feet, surprising both ELM and the crowd! As soon as he stands, Frost immediately falls backwards, crushing Magnifico under his massive weight! A loud OHHH! rises from the fans along with several boos as Frost shifts his position on the crushed luchadore slightly, remaining on top of him for the pin. The ref slides into position and begins counting as Frost grabs Magnifico’s leg and hooks it...

 

ONE...

 

TWO...No! Magnifico gets a shoulder up at two and a half, drawing a relieved pop from the crowd.

 

Riley: And that’s just what Magnifico gets for such a craptastic move! He deserved to be crushed under three hundred pounds of hoss, in my opinion.

 

Stevens: Wow, truly you are the last bastion of journalistic integrity, what with your use of the words “hoss” and “craptastic”.

 

Riley: Plus I’m incredibly humble. Don’t forget that.

 

Frost rolls off of Magnifico and climbs back to his feet, before stepping backwards into the ropes behind him and slowly bouncing off. Frost leisurely walks back towards Magnifico, before leaping into the air and sticking out his leg, dropping it directly onto ELM’s neck as he falls with a Leg Drop! Magnifico clutches his neck and begins gasping for breath as Frost pops back to his feet, grinning to himself. He then grabs ELM, still struggling to breath, by his hair and begins pulling him to his feet. Once Magnifico is standing, Frost flips ELM around so that he’s facing upwards, before pulling him into an Inverted Headlock! Once Magnifico is trapped in the Headlock, Frost grabs him by the tights and begins lifting him into the air, apparently for a Reverse Suplex! But as Magnifico is lifted over Frost’s head, he sticks his arm out and wraps it around Frost’s neck, applying an Inverted Facelock of his own! Magnifico then yanks backwards on Frost’s neck, pulling him downwards and slamming him into the mat with a Falling Reverse DDT as ELM falls onto his stomach! The surprised fans cheer as ELM scampers onto Frost’s chest, covering him and hooking the leg as the ref slides into position...

 

ONE...

 

TWO...No! Frost kicks out at two and a half, silencing many of the cheers in the crowd.

 

Stevens: Oooh, excellent counter from Magnifico, reversing the Reverse Suplex into a Falling Reverse DDT, but it wasn’t enough to put Frost away.

 

Riley: You used the word reverse in that sentence WAAAAY too many times.

 

Stevens: At least I’m calling the match, thong-boy.

 

Riley: Screw you! Don’t oppress my lifestyle, bigot!

 

Magnifico rolls off of Frost and pops back to his feet as the Icelandian starts climbing back to his. Before Frost can stand, Magnifico turns and breaks from the far ropes, bouncing off of them as Frost finally stands. ELM charges back towards Frost, and as he approaches, the Icelandian suddenly bends down and grabs him by the legs, before quickly standing up and hoisting the luchadore into the air over his head! Magnifico soars right over the ropes behind Frost, crashing back-first on the outside as the fans OHHH! and boo simultaneously. Frost takes a second to gather himself before hitting the mat and rolling to the outside, stepping onto the floor as Magnifico writhes in pain.

 

Riley: Hah! That’s the way you do it! If Magnifico likes to fly so much, I’m sure he won’t mind a little trip to the outside.

 

Frost heads over to ELM, bends down, and grabs him by the hair, before painfully pulling the luchadore to his feet. Once Magnifico is standing, Frost guides/drags him towards the nearby corner, before thrusting the luchadore's head forward, slamming it directly into the steel post jutting out of the corner! Another round of boos floats in from the audience as Magnifico falls to the floor, his hands covering his forehead. As the ref shouts “ONE!” officially beginning his count, Frost begins stomping away at Magnifico, pounding his chest in with each stomp. Frost lands about five good stomps before grabbing ELM by the arm and jerking him to his feet, then uses his grip to whip Magnifico across the floor, sending him rushing towards the far guardrail! ELM turns his back just before impact, his spine absorbing the collision as he arches his back and cries out in pain! Frost suddenly charges after Magnifico, running at the luchadore at a full tilt! But as Frost approaches, Magnifico steps out of the corner and throws his elbow out, driving it into Frost’s face! The Icelandian, somewhat stunned by the blow, stumbles backwards a step or two, allowing Magnifico to turn towards the guardrail and hop onto it! Once ELM is on the guardrail, facing away from Frost, he leaps backwards off of it, flipping backwards in mid-air and flying towards Frost with a Moonsault! ELM’s body crashes into Frost’s, making perfect contact...but Frost latches his arms around Magnifico’s waist as this happens, catching him in mid-air with his head pointed at the floor! Wasting little time, Frost immediately falls forward, driving Magnifico directly into the floor with a Front Powerslam! The fans OHHH! in unison as ELM arches his back and gapes his mouth open in pain, while Frost nonchalantly stands back up.

 

Stevens: Damn! Frost with a brutal counter, as he turns Magnifico’s Moonsault Press into a Front Powerslam on the floor!

 

Riley: That’s right! And thanks to that, Magnifico is sure to be counted out, giving Frost the victory.

 

As Frost stands, the ref counts “THREE!”, which prompts the Icelandian to roll back into the ring, popping to his feet as Magnifico lays motionless on the outside. Frost leisurely meanders over to a nearby corner and leans up against it, relaxing as ELM begins pushing himself to his feet. The ref shouts “FIVE!” as Magnifico pushes himself onto his hands and knees, “SEVEN!” as Magnifico lunges to his feet, and “NINE!” as Magnifico climbs up onto the apron, breaking the count and drawing a relieved pop from the crowd. Frost notices ELM climb onto the apron and immediately approaches him, swinging at the luchadore with a stiff-looking punch! However, Magnifico manages to duck beneath Frost’s arm, before popping back up, grabbing Frost around the neck, and leaps off of the apron, pulling the Icelandian down with him and driving his neck into the top rope! The delighted fans pop as Frost, clutching his neck, turns and starts stumbling away from the ropes. Meanwhile, ELM pops back onto the apron and grabs the top rope, taking a moment to line himself up with Frost. Suddenly, Magnifico jumps/pulls himself onto the top rope, before springboarding off of it and flying towards Frost! As ELM approaches, he wraps his arms around Frost’s neck and flips forward, before landing on his ass and driving Frost’s chin into his shoulder with the South American Stunner! The fans release a huge pop in response to the Springboard Diamond Dust, as Frost rebounds off of Magnifico’s shoulder, landing flat on his back in the center of the ring! Magnifico quickly scampers onto him, making the cover. ELM grabs Frost’s leg and hooks it as the ref slides into position and begins counting...

 

ONE...

 

TWO...No! Frost gets a shoulder up at two and a half, silencing many of the cheers in the crowd.

 

Stevens: No! ELM pulls out a beauty of a move in the South American Stunner, but it’s not enough to keep Frost down!

 

Riley: Listen, a move can be as flashy as hell, but that doesn’t mean it’s effective! Magnifico’s Southern Stunning thing is nothing but a glorified Neckbreaker!

 

Stevens: So, why did it take Frost two and a half seconds to get up?

 

Riley: Obviously, Frost feels sorry for ELM’s pathetic offensive attempts and wanted to show him a little sympathy.

 

ELM rolls off of Frost and climbs back to his feet, leaving the Icelandian lying motionless on the mat. As Magnifico stands, he looks out over the crowd, a grin slowly creeping across his face. The reason for his grin is quickly shown, as Magnifico suddenly breaks for the nearby corner, drawing an anticipatory pop from the crowd!

 

Stevens: Magnifico is heading for the corner! It looks like he’s going to try and finish off Frost right here and now!

 

ELM reaches the corner and begins climbing up the turnbuckles, reaching the top rope in a matter of seconds. Magnifico slowly stands on the top rope, careful to keep his balance, before turning away from the crowd and towards Frost. ELM takes a second to line himself up with Frost...before turning to his Mexican Flag, saluting it proudly and drawing an incredible pop from the crowd!

 

Stevens: Mexican Pride Press! Magnifico is signaling for his aerial finisher, and Frost is in serious trouble if he hits it!

 

ELM holds his salute for a second, before turning back to Frost and leaping off of the top turnbuckle, flipping backwards in mid-air! Thousands of flashbulbs explode, lighting up the inside of the arena as Frost rolls out of the way, leaving Magnifico to crash into the mat stomach-first! A loud, disappointed OHHH! rises from the audience as Magnifico lays face-down on the mat next to Frost, clutching his gut in pain.

 

Riley: Hah! And now it’s Magnifico who’s in trouble, as his missed Press leaves him completely vulnerable to Frost’s wrath!

 

After a few seconds of motionlessness from both men, Frost stirs and begins pushing himself to his feet, followed by Magnifico a second later. Frost struggles for a bit before finally standing, doing so as ELM reaches one knee. Frost slowly makes his way behind Magnifico, rubbing his chin as the luchadore slowly stands up, facing away from Frost. The Icelandian grins a devious grin as Magnifico turns around, slowly spinning towards Frost despite the shouted warnings of the crowd! Once Frost sees the whites of Magnifico’s eyes, he shoots his hand out and latches it around the luchadore’s neck, setting him up for a Chokeslam! Magnifico immediately snaps to attention, his eyes bugging open as Frost puts a hand on his back and lifts the luchadore into the air! Frost holds Magnifico above his head for several seconds, once again showing his great strength as he draws an impressed OHHH! from the crowd. Suddenly, Frost falls forward onto his knees, driving Magnifico downwards and slamming him into the mat with a Chokeslam! ELM bounces off of the mat before coming to a rest, staring blankly up at the house lights as his chest heaves up and down.

 

Stevens: Chokeslam! Chokeslam! Frost takes advantage of Magnifico’s missed Mexican Pride Press and nails him with a Chokeslam!

 

Frost quickly falls onto Magnifico, making the cover to a wave of boos from the crowd. Frost hooks the leg as the ref slides into position and begins counting...

 

ONE...

 

TWO...

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

THR-Nooo!! Magnifico gets a shoulder up right before three, drawing a surprised pop from the crowd! Frost rolls off of Magnifico and glares at the ref, half shocked and half extremely pissed that he didn’t get a three count.

 

Riley: Goddamn no-selling luchadore!! Doesn’t he know when to lay down?!

 

Stevens: Apparently not, as Magnifico just kicked out of Frost’s Chokeslam! Remarkably enough, he’s still in this!

 

Frost begins pushing himself to his feet, cursing silently to himself as Magnifico lays motionless on the mat. As Frost stands, he clearly loses his cool composure and begins shouting at Magnifico to get up, apparently ready to finish him off. ELM doesn’t respond right away, but soon begins pushing himself to his feet, turning onto his stomach and beginning the long climb upwards. As ELM rises, Frost continues shouting at him, seemingly getting angrier the closer Magnifico gets to his feet. ELM finally does stand, and the second he does, Frost storms towards him and kicks the luchadore in the gut, doubling him over in the center of the ring! Frost then applies a Standing Headscissors and hooks both of Magnifico’s arms, setting him up for the Early Winter to the great displeasure of the crowd!

 

Riley: Goodnight, Magnifico! Where the dirty luchadore failed, Frost will succeed, as he crushes Magnifico with the Early Winter!

 

Frost holds Magnifico in that position for a few seconds, reveling in the moment...before lifting ELM into the air and flipping him over for the Double Underhook Powerbomb! But as Magnifico is flipped over, he throws his legs back and hooks them around Frost’s neck! ELM then pulls hard on his legs, yanking him out of Frost’s grip and onto the Icelandian’s shoulders! ELM only remains there for a second, however, as he immediately leans over Frost and falls over him, flipping forward in mid-air and landing on his feet, back-to-back with Frost! As soon as he hits his feet, Magnifico reaches backwards and hooks Frost’s arms as if for a Backslide, setting him up for the Baja California Crusher! But before Magnifico can begin running, Frost starts running backwards by himself, driving ELM into the corner he was going to use for the Crusher! Being crushed between Frost and the corner weakens Magnifico’s grip significantly, allowing Frost to jerk his arms free and spin around to face the back of ELM’s head! Frost immediately wraps his arms around Magnifico’s waist, capturing him in a Rear Waistlock, before lifting the luchadore up into the air! Frost literally throws Magnifico over his head, slamming the luchadore’s head and shoulder into the canvas with a German Suplex! The fans OHHH! and boo at the brutality of the Suplex, while Frost crawls over to the motionless luchadore and covers him! The boos only intensify as the ref slides into position, beginning his count as Frost hooks the leg...

 

ONE...

 

TWO...

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

THR-Nooo! Magnifico gets a shoulder up just in time, drawing a relieved pop from the capacity crowd! Frost slowly rolls off of Magnifico, his face twisted in rage and frustration. Frost grabs the poor referee by the shirt, verbally abusing the man as he insists on the two count.

 

Stevens: No! No! ELM is still in it! Even after that incredible German Suplex from Frost, Magnifico will not stay down!

 

Riley: What on Earth is wrong with Magnifico?! He needs to realize when he’s been beaten!

 

Frost releases the ref’s shirt and quickly climbs back to his feet, before grabbing Magnifico by the hair and painfully pulling the luchadore to his feet. Frost stares into the dazed luchadore’s eyes for a moment, his glare brimming with hate…before grabbing ELM by the arm and leg and hoisting him onto his shoulders! With Magnifico stranded on his shoulders, Frost begins spinning around, dizzying himself and the luchadore with an Airplane Spin! But as Frost spins, ELM somehow manages to slip out of his grasp, falling off of Frost’s shoulders and landing on his feet behind him! Frost spins around to face the luchadore, and Magnifico greets him by sidestepping towards the Icelandian and throwing his foot into the air, slamming it into Frost’s chin with a Superkick! The delighted fans pop as Frost stumbles backwards, stunned by the force of the Superkick! Frost falls back into the ropes and bounces off of them, stumbling back towards Magnifico! As he approaches, the luchadore wraps his feet around Frost’s ankles, tripping him up with a Drop Toe Hold! As both men fall, Magnifico shoots his hands out and wraps them around Frost’s face, locking in the Sangria Stretch as ELM and Frost hit the mat! The fans’ cheering intensifies as ELM pulls backwards on Frost’s neck, wrenching away at it and drawing a cry of pain from the Icelandian!

 

Stevens: Reversal! Frost tries for the Airplane Spin Slam, only to have Magnifico Superkick him and lock him in the Sangria Stretch!

 

Riley: Gah! What the hell’s your problem, Frost?! Power out of that stupid Stretch and kick Magnifico’s ass!

 

The ref falls to his knees and asks Frost if he wants to submit, receiving a shouted “No!” in response! Upon hearing this, Magnifico wrenches back on Frost’s neck even harder, drawing another cry of pain from the Icelandian and a cheer from the excited crowd! However, the fans’ mood suddenly turns somber, as they begin to boo for some reason. That reason is soon revealed, as the camera cuts to the entrance ramp, which Sacred is running down at a full sprint!

 

Stevens: Dammit, not now, Sacred! Magnifico’s so close!

 

As Sacred reaches the ring, he hops onto the apron, shouting at Magnifico and drawing the attention of the ref. The referee pops to his feet and immediately confronts Sacred, while ELM suddenly releases the hold and slowly stands. Magnifico suddenly charges towards the arguing ref, shoving him out of the way and throwing a punch in Sacred’s direction! However, the Aussie manages to block the punch, before wrapping his free arm around Magnifico’s neck and leaping off of the corner! The fans boo OHHH! simultaneously as ELM’s neck is driven directly into the top rope with a Guillotine, unseen by the shoved-out-of-the-way ref! Magnifico turns away from the ropes, clutching his throat…and towards Frost, who has just climbed back to his feet! As soon as Frost lays eyes on Magnifico, he throws his foot out, slamming it into the luchadore’s gut with a stiff kick! ELM doubles over, allowing Frost to apply a Standing Head-Scissors and hook both of Magnifico’s arms, completing the setup for the Early Winter!

 

Riley: YES! YES! This is it!

 

Frost looks over the crowd for a moment, enjoying the fact that he’s about to shatter their hopes…before lifting Magnifico into the air and flipping him around for the Double Underhook Sit-Down Powerbomb! Frost then quickly sits, pulling Magnifico down with him and slamming the luchadore’s back into the canvas with the Early Winter! The fans boo louder than they have all night as Frost holds the position, making the cover as the ref slides down to the mat…

 

ONE…

 

TWO…

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

THREEEE!! The ref pops to his feet and signals for the bell as the crowd somehow boos even louder.

 

DING DING DING

 

Funyon: Your winner, by pinfall…Frrrrrost!!

 

Frost scooches out of the pinning position and climbs back to his feet, thrusting his fist into the air as he does so. Grinning at the amount of boos leveled towards him, Frost climbs out of the ring and steps to the outside. Meanwhile, Sacred slowly backs up the ramp, laughing softly at Magnifico’s plight.

 

Stevens: Well, that was just great. ELM is seconds away from making Frost submit, when Sacred runs down here and costs him the match.

 

Riley: I know, wasn’t it? We really need more of that around here.

 

Stevens sighs, defeated, before continuing.

 

Stevens: Folks, we’re out of time, but make sure you tune into Smarkdown on Monday! I’m Mark Stevens, he’s Thong-Boy-

 

Riley: Hey!

 

Stevens: And that’s it from us! G’night!

 

The final image broadcasted is El Luchadore Magnifico, realizing what has happened and noticing the laughing Sacred backing up the ramp. Magnifico, gritting his teeth and cursing beneath his breath, is soon replaced by darkness, as the show fades…

[Guest BA_Baracus]

GEEZER DEATHMATCH

Chris Raynor vs. Z vs. "TNT" Taylor Nicholas Thompson vs. Edwin MacPhisto

- Uhhhh...right.

 

SINGLES MATCH

Perfect Bo vs. Ced Ordonez

- That wacky Ced wins with Thoth's finisher.

 

US TITLE MATCH

Ced Ordonez vs. Annie Eclectic

- Your new US champion...Annie Eclectic.

 

SINGLES MATCH

Thoth vs. Mak Francis

- No result for this one as Sacred runs in...what fun.

 

NON-TITLE MATCH

El Luchadore Magnifico vs. Frost

- Frost wins in a Magnifico written match.