Velocity: CRUCIFIED~!

[Guest TSMAdmin]

- CJ here. I know you guys missed me last week but my monitor did everything but explode on me last week so I wasn’t able to get my Velocity Recap up. Not that I much wanted to, seeing as how the Hurricane has been stolen from me. It’s all good, though. I wish him the best. It’s a step up to be Kane’s green and black clad little partner. Just ask that guy … wait, he doesn’t work there anymore.

 

- On the homefront, I’ve been having to deal with a certain Foul-Mouthed Smark springboardin’ offa everything in sight like she’s on crank with her Rey Mysterio mask on since last week’s Smackdown. I swear to God I’m gonna have to double up on her Ritalin on Thursday nights. I can’t slow her down enough for her to participate much this evening. For now, let’s get to the action:

 

- Your hosts are Michael Cole (Cock) and Marc Lloyd (Load).

 

The Prototype, The “Next” Sting, John Cena vs. Albert

 

- Gold and black trunks for Cena tonight. I read somewhere he has some obscene amount of trunks and boots. A waste of money now. Too bad that initial push got scaled back. He went from rave reviews facing Kurt Angle in his debut to beating the WWE’s first Undisputed Champion, Chris Jericho on PPV (but, honestly, who HASN'T beat that guy) to curtain jerking on Velocity. Cena better learn how to please Patterson and give up the MAN CHOWDAH~! quick, or he’ll be sitting next to Okerlund on Confidential next. Cena works a headlock but gets whipped by Albert and shouldertackled. Albert plays with Cena and smacks him on the back of the head. Albert works on Cena a bit before Cena turns the tables, takes Albert down and smacks the back of Albert’s head, returning the favor. Ok, now who’s “it”? Albert beats Cena down for his insolence and hits him with the Albert-lanche in the corner. Albert turns his back on Cena, giving him enough time to perch on the second rope and hit him with a dropkick. The two exchange blows in the middle of the ring (not those kinds of “blows”, you pervs) before Cena nails a backdrop suplex. Cena launches himself off of the ropes and runs into an Albert scissors kick. That almost cut his head off. Hence the name “scissors”, I guess. Albert swings and misses a big punch and ends up in a weird back suplex position that turns into a sideslam/uranage thingie by Cena for the win. I wonder what he calls that? These WWE “rookies” have some innovative offense but the announcers Cock & Load aren’t doing them any favors by simply calling them “high impact maneuvers” and “takedowns”.

 

- On October 18, your favorite brunette and mine and Dawson’s Creek alum stars in Abandon. Be there or be queer. If you can't make it, rent Disturbing Behavior, Teaching Mrs. Tingle, Wonder Boys, Go! and the Ice Storm to atone for your sins against my goddess.

 

- In case you didn’t know already, The Scorpion King and Just Bring It: Collector’s Edition DVD’s are available this week. I, on the other hand, anxiously await my Candadian Brotherhood of the Wolf: SE. You spend your money how you want to and I'll do the same.

 

- We recap the bikini contest between Torrie and Dawn Marie. First of all, Torrie should’ve never beat Nidia two weeks ago. Nidia had to go out and make a complete fool of herself just to look a little bad compared to Torrie. Anyone here ever seen Torrie close-up without makeup? She looks like fucking Manuel Noriega.

 

Dawn Marie, unfortunately, doesn’t need to resort to such Nidia-like tactics to make herself look bad. Obviously in her mid-to-late 40’s, Dawn comes out and actually thinks that her substantially wide caboose is still hot. Uh uh, girlfriend! *snaps fingers and rolls neck* No you didn’t! Torrie blows her away with a flesh-colored bikini that made me pop such a vicious boner I thought my member might explode. I've never seen it that purple before. Torrie throws her lollipop to the crowd and Dawn Marie, bitter old hag that she is, tosses Torrie to the floor. Frigid bitch.

 

- Do you hear Saliva’s “Always”? That can only mean one thing: Survivor Series, November 17th at Madison Square Garden!

 

- The Slam of the Week is Los Guerreros advancing in the tag team tournament. Rule-abiding technicos they are not.

 

Billy Kidman vs. Doug Basham

 

- Lockup to start. Basham with a high knee and a hard forearm to get all those pleasantries and getting-to-know-you crap outta the way. Kidman responds with a rana. Basham says “fuck that jive” and thumbs Kidman in the eye before he thinks about getting froggy any further. Basham then slingshots Kidman over the top and out of the ring. He follows Kidman to the outside and introduces his back to the barricade. Back inside, Basham stomps away, forearms Billy’s back and gets two rolling vertical suplexes. Basham then puts Kidman in the Steiner Recliner. He’s really focusing on the back here, eh? Sidewalk slam by Basham. Bow & Arrow by Basham. Will Kidman ever walk again after this match? Basham’s got Kidman’s back wrapped around the ringpost now, I shit you not. Scoop slam by Basham and now MY back is starting to get sore. Basham goes up top but is dropkicked outta the sky by Kidman. How he even got up is beyond me. Flying forearm and a dropkick by Kidman. Kidman nails the Acid Drop~! and gets 2. Kidman then walks into an ENHANCEMENT TALENT SPINEBUSTER~! for a tw-count. Neat how Basham rolled right into a cover after his spinebuster. Kidman whips Basham but Basham hits him with a springboard leg/clothesline for 2. That move needs a name. Basham, after doing so well, goes for a powerbomb. Kidman, defying all known laws of professional wrestling, doesn’t plant Basham’s face in the mat but instead nails an enziguiri for 2. Kidman tries an irish whip but it’s reversed into a side russian leg sweep by Basham. Wow. An IRISH whip turned into a RUSSIAN leg sweep. Pro wrestling truly is an international sport. Basham goes up top and hits a guillotine legdrop for ONLY 2??? Not only is Basham, but *I* am wondering how Kidman kicked out of that. Basham sets Kidman up on the top turnbuckle to attempt a superplex but it’s reversed into a top-rope X-Factor by Kidman. Kidman drags Basham into position and hits the Shooting Star Press for the 1-2-3. That was so….Edge-like. Get your ass kicked all match long only to come back and hit two high impact moves for the win after the other guy has hit you with every finisher and high impact move in his arsenal. Bullshit, says I. How Kidman can climb to the top and do a backwards somersault after Basham completely KILLIFIED~! his back defies all logic. But this is WWE: where logic is a dirty word. Good showing by Doug Basham.

 

- Charlie is now mawrcing out. They recap the Smackdown main event from two week ago: Rey vs Benoit vs Angle. They then recap Edge vs Angle from this week. Someone answer this for me: why is WWE so high on Edge? They’ve given him every opportunity in the book and he’s still only moderately over, why don’t they give up? This is getting almost as bad as Big Show’s and Billy Gunn’s yearly pushes. Or Bradshaw’s. Edge held the tag titles with Hogan why? Edge has gone over former WWE champion Kurt Angle more times than I care to remember: King of the Ring, Hair vs. Hair, the free TV cage match and on SD! this week. Not to mention he’s gone over EDDY~! on PPV and on SD! two weeks ago. Is he really that good? Bretheren, I say nay. While he has certainly PARTICIPATED in his share of good matches, he’s certainly not RESPONSIBLE for any. You put most any other guy in Edge’s place in the ring with Benoit, Angle, Eddy or Rey and you’d get the same results. Just cuz you make a good broomstick for the better guys in the Fed doesn’t make you a superstar or worthy of such a crazy push. Meanwhile, RVD and Booker can’t even offer sexual favors in exchange for wins over on RAW. There’s something wrong with that, people. I want this horse-toothed fucker to get hit by a bus. Or rather, someone who’s finisher should really be the Spear (cuz it sure as shit shouldn’t be scrawny Edge’s) spear him back to Canada where he has to use the name Sexton Hardcastle for the rest of his pro career.

 

- Does anyone else think that a year-long suspension without pay is a little much for not “getting along”? I mean, this IS wrestling…the whole reason people wrestle half the time is because they don’t get along. I didn’t see her threatening to fine Brock or UT.

 

- Rules of Attraction starring James Van Der Beek is out soon. The Dawson’s Creek cast keeps getting movie deals. Why? And where is the latest Joshua Jackson vehicle?

 

- Raw Roulette is LIVE this Monday on TNN. Why they don’t sign the Evil Midget and just call this show NITRO I’ll never know.

 

- Recap of UT vs. Matt Hardy. It’s a shame that UT didn’t choose thumbwrestling rather than the Hell in the Cell. These were pretty cool.

 

- A promo for No Mercy: HHH vs Kane – Winner Take All. Another top notch decision from WWE. Put the IC title on Jericho by jobbing RVD, job RVD to HHH at the PPV, job Jericho a week later to KANE and then job KANE to HHH at No Mercy all to dissolve one of the more meaningful and prestigious titles left in WWE. Rot in hell, Vance.

 

- Tough Enough III starts on October 17th. I’m gonna go out on a limb and make a bold prediction. Worst. Season. Ever. And that’s a fuckload of suck to top. I mean, Jackie fucking Gayda won the last one. Where’s the credibility?

 

Charlie: *flushes toilet*

 

Tajiri vs. Shannon Moore

 

- Lockup to start. The two trade go-behinds until Moore cinches in a headlock. Irish whip by Tajiri but Moore nails a dropkick. Another whip by Tajiri and he follows Moore into the corner. Moore evades the charge with some RVD-esque flip-floppy stuff which gives Tajiri an ECW flashback and he dropkicks Moore hard on the knee. Moore tries to fight back but Tajiri cuts it short with another kick to the leg. Tajiri works the leg some more and applauds himself. Now he’s just laying in stiff kicks to amuse his buddies back home. Moore tries a sunset flip but Tajiri kicks out and kicks the leg out from under Moore again. Shannon limps over to Tajiri and tries to mount his shoulders but Tajiri just shrugs him off and gives him a dragon screw leg whip. “Great takedown,” says Cole. Moore comes back with some offense and a swinging neckbreaker for 2. A Tajiri powerbomb is reversed into a head scissors by Moore. Moore whips Tajiri to the ropes and Tajiri goes into his springboard back elbow routine. Moore is wise to it and nails him in the back with a spinning heel kick for another two-count. Moore to the top for his corkscrew plancha, the Halo, but it misses. Tajiri misses with his PEARL HARBOR kick but nails a nice back kick for the win.

 

- Just as the show ends a pair of little feet hit me hard in the face. Through my now-watery eyes I can see Charlie running away...

 

Charlie: 619! 619! 619!

 

I reach out but resist the urge to toss the child across the room by her feet. But I dont’t know for how long. See y’all next week.

 

Hit Us Up