WWE Velocity: CRUCIFIED~!

[Guest TSMAdmin]

Before I get the distinction of being the world’s latest Velocity recapper, let me explain a few things. A combination of work, school and a healthy dose of family life already makes my time to sit and watch a WWE B-show extremely short. But when you factor in the fact that one weekend your VCR decides to act up and not even allow you to put a tape into it, the next weekend your computer monitor blows up and then the very next weekend you reinstall Windows and restart your computer only to find that all of your files and bookmarks have mysteriously vanished…well, that can take a toll. I don’t wanna say that I wanted to slit my wrists or anything, but let’s just say it really took the air outta my sails.

 

So now with all of my school work outta the way and all of my electrical appliances either now working properly or replaced all together, I had one more obstacle to overcome. If you recall from the previous paragraph, all of my bookmarks were gone from my computer…and here I had completely forgotten the URL that I needed to post my Velocity recap after I had completed it on time for once. At least there isn’t anyone out there eagerly awaiting my take on Velocity.

 

So since my “reliability” more than likely has me on the ol’ chopping block here at TSM, let’s have fun with this possible “last” recap. Forget Charlie, forget the lateness, let’s talk Tony Soprano. Yes, that Tony Soprano, the one from the HBO hit series, The Sopranos. This is easily my favorite show on TV right now and I’ve decided to dedicate this brief recap of last weekend’s Velocity to the show that brings me so much joy…because Velocity sure as shit doesn’t anymore. When the happiness doesn’t come to you, sometimes you have to inject a little yourself.

 

WWE Velocity: CRUCIFIED~! By “Crucifixio Jones” 10.19.02

 

-Your host are, as always, Cock and Load: Michael Cock and Marc Load.

 

- Tajiri v. Funaki. Being that nothing electrical has been working correctly in my house for about a month now, at first I thought I got a pirate signal from some Japanese indy fed until Funaki starts speaking english, as crazy as that sounds. Funaki giving a promo clues me in that I am, indeed, watching good ol’ American rasslin’…how sad is that? Pre-match Funaki has some advice for the Japanese Buzzsaw (a moniker that chiacchierone Cole can’t seem to stop calling Tajiri, even though hardly NO ONE keeps their old nicknames when they come to WWE, even if it’s actually KEWL like “Crippler” Chris Benoit. Rabid Wolverine? WTF?) Funaki tells Tajiri that if he stopped looking so mezza morta and smiled like him he’d be more over with the crowd. To appease his yellow brethren, Tajiri start the match off with a broad smile and offers Funaki a goodwill handshake for that piece of friendly advice. Funaki, like a jamook, extends his hand and Tajiri proceeds to kick the absolute living dog shit outta him. Nice new pants for Tajiri, too. Instead of the regular yellow, white and red dragons that usually adorn the sides, they’re just silver now.

 

The Match in a Cannoli: Tajiri kicks a lot and does a few variations of his supposedly stiff kicks. He does the tarantella all over Funaki’s #1 announcing ass. Of note: Tajiri busts out a moonsault (missed), Funaki blocks the Tarantula with a faceplant. Tajiri ends the match by actually hitting his handspring back elbow for the first time in God only knows how long and sets up his PEARL HARBOR kick. Funaki ducks it, misses an enziguiri and gets nailed with Tajiri’s second attempt. Why they bothered having Tajiri miss the first one is beyond me…just end the match already; it’s fucking Velocity. No one’s watching but poor saps who have to recap it for some smart mark website.

 

- WWE Rewind this week shows Smackdown from 2 weeks ago, the Angle/Benoit v. Kidman/Cena match. Man, remember when tag team tournaments and tag teams consisted of actual TEAMS and not just two singles wrestlers tossed together for no real or apparent reason? They also recap Ron Simmons/D-Von v. Rey/Edge and the Guerreros v. Benoit/Angle. Why does Chavo’s “Brainbuster” suddenly look like a jackhammer? I know you’re not allowed to just drop folks on their head in WWE anymore, but are you telling me you’re not allowed to fake it, either?

 

- Since I hate “reality” TV, MTV, WWE and Tough Enough so much right now I refuse to give the TE III recap any more ink than absolutely necessary. Just trust me, they talked about it. However, I will say that ANY day that fuckin’ IVORY shows up at your door in person is a good goddamn day.

 

- Albert v. Bobby Rood. Oh my God…I swear Albert’s back gets hairier each week. I hear a pretty good pop for Bobby Rood, who looks like a mini Mark Jindrak. I can’t imagine why this crowd’d pop for a guy they barely know so I assume I’ve been hoodwinked by the WWE production team yet agayn and that it’s been piped in.

 

The Match in a Cannoli: Rood tries to lay in some kicks early on and lemme tell ya, Tajiri he is not. Albert deads that with a shouldercharge and goes for a knee drop. Rest assured, one of Ric Flair’s signature maneuvers is still safe. After a bit of manhandling, Rood walks right into a HOSS scissors kick and it’s over. Rood wasn’t nearly as impressive as Doug Basham was a few weeks ago, but then again, Albert is no Kidman. Albert gives the rookie a Baldo Bomb on the way out just to continue his whole “Velocity Bully” gimmick.

 

- WWE Slam of the Week *gasp* isn’t actually a “slam” at all! Get out! Not on a “sportz entertainment” show! The Slam of the Week is the Smackdown Lingerie Contest between Torrie and that che bruta, Dawn Marie. Velocity then makes me suffer through a recap of the entire feud between these two puttanas. Coozes, if you weeel.

 

- As you all know, Torrie’s dad showed up backstage at Smackdown claiming he didn’t want to miss his daughter’s upcoming match. Methinks he just didn’t wanna miss that diamond hard NIPPLAGE she was rockin’… damn, they must keep it cold in those locker rooms. Torrie warns her dad about Dawn Marie, calling her a “predator”. Shit, I know she’s ugly but I doubt that when she blades, she gushes glowing green blood, Torrie. Besides, if she is a predator, this feud is OVER. Torrie doesn’t know a wristlock from a wristwatch, what chance does she stand against something that went toe-to-toe with Arnie? They show some clips from Rikishi/Torrie v. Mattitude V.1.0/Dawn Marie, which Matt and Dawn actually win (Dawn pins Torrie), although they both get stink-faced in the end. Apparently, getting your heat back via stinkface has various side-effects up to and including amnesia, because Torrie is in GREAT spirits in the back. “Did you see my match?,” she asks some lady backstage. I’m like, “Yeah, you LOST, ‘member?” Big-breasted, blue-eyed blondes with asses that look like they taste like French Vanilla ice cream under contract who can’t wrestle make CJ agita.

 

- You know, looking back at the buildup for Brock v. Taker, it totally foreshadowed a possible HITC bloodbath. Both men got busted open a couple of times during the angle, even Heyman. The gore level at No Mercy should’ve almost been expected.

 

- They air a WWE Anthology promo, this time with Ultimate Warrior. And no one on Earth’s heartrate increases even a little. WWE should’ve just kept airing the Bret Hart one. At least that way it wouldn’t look like just a mean rib on the fans of Montreal which we all KNOW it was. That Vince…what a stand up guy…he’s not an asshole or a finook. No sir. He's a completely legit and most of all, HETEROSEXUAL businessman.

 

- Crash v. Shannon Moore: Crash has been working heel on Velocity a lot lately after originally starting out as a face. As if anyone cares…man, why do I type such things? Anyway…for the life of me I can’t figure out why the guy is still on the roster and hasn’t been released yet. I mean, he’s a cruiser-sized guy but he never really wrestles a cruiser style. His style is pretty pedestrian for a guy his size and it’s mostlty ground based and not in a good way like say, Dean Malenko. It’s more like a modern day HHH and that’s being extremely NICE. There isn’t an ounce of flash to this kid whatsoever. Release him already and bring in Ultimo Dragon, dammit. Crash is a worthless strunz.

 

The Match in a Cannoli: Crash, fucking stonato he is, kicks out of a move that has been built up for the past few weeks as Moore’s finisher, the HALO, Moore's corkscrew plancha. Moore tries a sunset flip but Crash sits on his chest and grabs the ropes for leverage and the win. Moore is your mortadella of the night. That was a cruiserweight main event? Maybe I SHOULD have just ended it all after my hard drive got nearly wiped clean last week. Madonn’!

 

You know, there’s an old Italian saying that was told to Livia Soprano as she was moving into the Green Grove retirement community in Season I: Col tempo la foglia di gelso diventa seta. Translated: "Time and patience change the mulberry leaf to silk." I hope that’s true for WWE product as well and not just mulberry leaves because I’m about sick of this shit.

 

CJ