SWF Storm (Nov. 8/2002)

[Guest BA_Baracus]

[Loud music booms through the darkened arena.

 

As the music plays, a shower of deep blue sparks rain over the Smark-tron and down onto the stage. The sparks are followed by a series of huge explosions and then the Storm logo appears on the screen.

 

After a few seconds the lights return, scan an excited audience then zoom in on the announcer's table...]

 

Mark Stevens - Once again I welcome you to SWF Storm!

 

Bobby Riley - Why do I never get to welcome them to SWF Storm?

 

Stevens - You're not to be trusted...it's a big responsibility.

 

Riley - Hey! I could handle it...er wait...no I couldn't.

 

Stevens - Well...anyways, on with SWF Ssssstorm!

[Guest BA_Baracus]

SINGLES MATCH

Danny Williams vs. Xero

- Danny Williams is back in the SWF, and will be taking on Xero in his first match back. Say…didn’t these guys used to be a tag team? Well…all tag teams end up fighting each other anyways, so let’s uhhh…woo.

 

SINGLES MATCH

Frost vs. CIA

- CIA’s challenged Frost to this match in order to defend the honour of the Midnight Carnival! Can CIA beat the man who defeated El Luchadore Magnifico last week?

 

TRIPLE THREAT LIGHT-HEAVYWEIGHT TITLE MATCH

Annie Eclectic © vs. El Luchadore Magnifico vs. Mak Francis

- The Light-Heavyweight title has had a long and illustrious history here in the SWF, but with the roster a bit on the thin side as far as lightweights go, the belt is going to be retired after Storm. While we may see it revived again some day, the winner of this match could very well be the last SWF Light-heavyweight champion ever.

Match Description: DQ and count-out rules are in effect. The first person to score a pinfall, submission or knockout is the winner.

 

HARDCORE TITLE MATCH

Ash Ketchum © vs. Perfect Bo

- Can the new Hardcore champion defend his title against the power of Perfect Bo? These two have fought in the past, but who will be the victor this time?

Match Description – Regular DQ and count-out rules are not in effect. Submissions, pinfalls and knockouts only count within the ring.

 

TAG TEAM TITLE MATCH

Thoth & Ced Ordonez © vs. Tom Flesher & Mercury

- A rivalry between Thoth and ICTV champion Tom Flesher has been building lately, and they’ll meet in a tag team match this Friday. Will Tom’s Magnificent 7 team be able to dethrone the current tag team champions?

[Guest BA_Baracus]

As the first commercial break of the evening ends, we are returned to the sold out SBC center. Williams and Xero are already both standing in the ring, and Funyon is standing tall in the center of the ring waiting for his cue. The fans are already rowdy and pumped up, possibly because they were deprived of their Monday Night Smarkdown fix.

 

Stevens: Welcome back to another exciting addition of SWF Storm! We’ll be kicking things off this evening, with a grudge match between Xero and Danny Williams! Xero will be trying to get his first win ever, over his former tag partner.

 

Riley: Danny Williams! Where the hell has he been all month?

 

Stevens: Nobody knows, he just showed up in Stubby’s office last week and requested a match for tonight. And with over half our roster stuck in contract negotiations, Stubby really wasn’t on a position to discipline him for walking out. So he booked him.

 

Funyon: Ladies and Gentlemen, welcome to SWF STOOOOOOOOOORM!

 

The fans get even louder and wilder, making tonight’s very brave security guards very nervous.

 

Funyon: The following contest is scheduled for one fall, and is at a 20 minute time limit. Introducing first, weighing in at 238 pounds, he hails from Louisville, Kentucky.........DANNY WILLIAMSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSS!

 

“BOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!”

 

Funyon: And his opponent, weighing in at 210 pounds, and hailing from Ontario, Canada................XEROOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!

 

The fans explode into cheers, and jump wildy up and down in their seats. Some order comes of the pop eventually, as the fans break into a enthusiastic “XERO! XERO! XERO!” chant. Surprised by the unusually loud pop, Xero cracks a smile, but he quickly returns his attention back to his emotionless opponent across the ring.

 

Stevens: It seems the fans may remember how Williams betrayed Xero a while back, and never really paid for it. Maybe tonight, Xero can even the score.

 

Riley: Very doubtful, Stevens. It’s no secret that Williams carried that leach to win after win, and had to save his ass from being pinned in every damn match. Xero is 0-1 against Williams, and after tonight he will 0-2.

 

Stevens: What about the draw, that Xero almost won.

 

Riley: Oh, that doesn’t count.

 

 

DING! DING! DING! Williams and Xero slowly leave their corners, and approach each other in the center of the ring. The former tag partners slowly circle each other, squinting their eyes, watching for the slightest opening. But an opening never comes, and the two are forced to mutually lock up in a collar elbow tie up. Xero is quick, but he’s no match for Williams technical skill. Williams easily takes Xero over with a fireman’s carry, grabs his arm and falls back for the Cross Armbreaker! Before Williams can scissor the arm, Xero slips out of his clutches and jumps back to his feet. Instead of attacking Williams while he’s prone on his back, Xero chooses to wave a finger in his face.

 

Stevens: How about that? Xero letting Williams know that the Cross Armbreaker isn’t going to work tonight. If you remember Williams defeated Xero with the Cross Armbreaker only a few short months ago.

 

Riley: Well Xero isn’t going to win the match by waving a finger. I would have gave Williams a good old fashion kick to the face, if I had him down.

 

Equal parts, embarrassed and pissed, a snarling Williams makes his way back to a vertical base and challenges Xero to another tie up. Xero accepts, and the two go at it again in the center of the ring. Not finding an opening as easy as last time, Williams opts to use his superior power to back Xero into the ropes. Hunt starts the count, and not to be a bad sport, Williams breaks the grapple, only to fire a chop! Xero ducks and spins off the ropes, leaving Williams with his back to the ropes. Smack! Xero slashes Williams chest with a stiff chop, but he isn’t done yet. Xero follows the chop, with a hard roundhouse kick to the chest! Smack! Xero repeats the chest stinging combo, two more times before shooting Williams off the ropes with an Irishwhip. But Williams hangs on to Xero’s arm, and reverses! Williams takes position in the center of the ring, while Xero slings shots back at him. Williams sends the on coming Xero, face first in to the mat with a drop toe hold. Williams rushes back to his feet, and kicks Xero flush in the mouth before he can get up!

 

Riley: Now that’s what I’m talking about! Kick him again, Danny!

 

Xero grabs his busted mouth, and rolls over on his back. Williams bounces off the ropes, and drops a knee right on Xero’s face. The crowd gives a predictable negative reaction to Williams’ dickery, who retaliates by flipping them off. With the crowd cursing away at him, Williams confidently lifts the dazed high flyer up with a front facelock, and sets him up for the Brainbuster! Williams hoists Xero up, but the slippery junior manages to plant his feet back on the mat, and slide out of the front facelock. The next thing Williams knows, Xero has taken him to the mat and slapped on a nasty Fujirwara Armbar!

 

Stevens: Lighting quick reversal by Xero! When your in that suplex set up, you have to watch out for the Armbar Takedown, which of course leads right into the Fujiwara Armbar.

 

Riley: Yeah, I am surprised that Danny didn’t see that one coming. He normally doesn’t make stupid mistakes like that, he has to be suffering from ring rust.

 

Williams screams as Xero applies maximum pressure to the infamous submission hold, causing a burning sensation to shoot through his arm. Not wanting to be in this painful hold a second longer, Williams pushes his way to his feet forcing Xero to adjust his grip to a plain old Armbar. The ropes catch Williams’ eye, but he has second thoughts. Wanting to send a more forceful message to Xero about who is in control, Williams hooks his arm between Xero’s legs and lifts him off the mat for a Scoop Slam! BOOM! Williams slams Xero’s frail body to the mat with thunderous force, obviously forcing him to release the Armbar! With Xero laid out on the mat, Williams decides now is a good time to shake off the throbbing pain in his arm. But Xero pops up sooner than Williams expected, catching him off guard with a flurry of elbows to the shoulder! Xero slaps a another Armbar on Williams, earning the applause of the fans.

 

Riley: Wake up, Williams! You can’t give scrawny little losers like Xero the slightest break, guys like that will take full advantage of any opening they can get.

 

Stevens: Xero caught Williams day dreaming, and went right back to that arm. I would say Xero is defiantly being the aggressor tonight, proving once again why he is one of the most relentless offensive wrestlers in the federation.

 

“Well if it worked once it will work again”, thinks Williams to himself. Just like last time, Williams scoop slams Xero off his arm. However, Williams learns from his mistake, and this time gives Xero a stiff kick to the back to keep him down! SMACK! Than another just to be sure! SMACK! Than a third kick for the hell of it. SMACK! The fans sympathize with Xero, by “Oh”ing along with each kick. Xero’s face contorts to express his pain, finally giving Williams enough time to shake the feeling back into his arm. By the time Williams regains the ability to wiggle fingers, Xero is painfully starting to climb back to his feet. Williams anxiously helps Xero the rest of the way up, pushes him into the ropes, and shoots him across the ring with an Irishwhip! Williams catches Xero on the rebound, and traps him in an Abdominal Stretch!

 

“BOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!” snarls the fans.

 

Riley: Why are these idiots booing? The Abdominal Stretch is one of the most painful moves in wrestling.

 

Stevens: Maybe because it’s just as painful to watch, as it is to be in it.

 

Williams locks his hands around Xero’s face, and starts pulling his head upwards. Xero’s neck isn’t mean to be turned that way, so it hurts like hell. Hunt asks Xero if he wants to throw in the towel, but Xero manages to mumble a “No” in between grunts. Feeling that Xero is to comfortable, Williams releases the crossface, and starts pushing him down to the mat by his head. Williams gets Xero down to one knee, before giving up on the submission. A disappointed Williams releases Xero from the hold, of course he kicks him in the back afterwards! SMACK! In search of some relief from the pain, Xero drops to both knees in order to straighten out his aching back. Big mistake, as he is now prone for a Williams’ knee! Crack! Xero’s eyes roll back in his head, his body goes limp and he flops back to the mat. Williams casually struts in front of Xero, jumps into the air, and brings a nasty knee down on to his forehead! Thump! Xero’s limbs flap into the air upon impact, before lifelessly coming back to rest on the mat. Xero twitches, and doesn’t move another muscle.

 

Stevens: Oh my God!

 

Riley: Ouch! Now that is a perfect example of why the first thing your taut in wrestling school, is to keep your damn back off the mat.

 

Stevens: Agreed, if god willing, Xero regains conscious, he needs to get his ass off the mat.

 

Despite Xero appearing to be dead, Williams doesn’t go for the cover. Instead, Williams drags Xero to a corner, and hops up on to the second turnbuckle.

 

Riley: It looks like Williams is going for an ariel-type maneuver. I think this may be a big mistake, Williams should just go for the damn pin.

 

Stevens: Williams must be feeling pretty confident, he normally doesn’t take high risks like this.

 

Camera’s flash as Williams leaps off the second rope and lands on one knee, which happens to be on top of Xero’s face! THUMP!

 

Riley: A FLYING KNEE DROP! THIS COULD BE IT, STEVENS!

 

Williams crawls on top of Xero’s body, and hooks a leg for the pin.

 

ONE!

 

 

 

 

TWO!

 

 

 

Xero kicks out, sparking some cheers from the crowd. Williams isn’t surprised at Xero’s heroics, and precedes to pull the barely conscious grappler to his feet. Not wasting a second, Williams tucks Xero’s head between his legs, and locks his hands around his waist. The crowd is on the edge of their seats, praying this isn’t the end for the former light heavyweight champion.

 

Riley: Alright, It looks like were going to see the Deathbomb!

 

Stevens: I am surprised that Williams hasn’t lost confidence in the move, since it failed to put away Renegade last month. It would be wiser to go for the Brainbuster, since that move has never failed to get the big three.

 

Riley: Maybe he isn’t going for the Brianbuster, because last time he tried it, he almost got his damn arm ripped from the socket. Use your brain for once, Stevens!

 

Before Williams can even attempt a lift, Xero drops to one knee to make things more difficult for his attacker. The crowd encourages Xero, by chanting his name and stomping their feet.

 

XERO! BOOM! BOOM! XERO! BOOM! BOOM!.........

 

Despite the cheer gaining intensity with every passing second, Williams easily pulls the battle worn Xero back up by his tights. “DAAAAAAAH!” screams Williams as he rips Xero off the mat with ease!

 

Riley: HE GOT HIM UP! DEATHBOOOOOMB!

 

But things don’t go as Williams planned them, because Xero somehow manages to flip forward prematurely and catch him in a front facelock! Xero shifts his body weight, pulling Williams down to the mat with a brutal DDT! William’s head bounces sickly off the mat, causing his whole body to flip over on it’s back. The crowd combusts into the loudest applause thus far, and a “Holy Shit!” chant breaks out somewhere near the back.

 

Stevens: XERO REVERSED IT! SAMURAI DDT! SAMURAI DDT!

 

Riley: Nobody can pull a DDT out of there ass better than Xero, but lets see if he can pull a win out of there too.

 

The crowd remains hot from the unbelievable reversal, prompting many members of the audience to stand up from the excitement. Still feeling the effects from Williams’ brain scrambling knees, Xero is slow to his feet. Xero shakes the cobwebs loose, and drags Williams’ body to a nearby corner.

 

Riley: What the hell is he doing, Stevens?

 

Stevens: It looks like..............

 

Xero raises a finger to the heavens, and starts climbing the turnbuckles. The fans knows what this means, and anxiously rise to their feet.

 

Stevens: ABSOLUTE XERO! He’s going for the Absolute Xero!

 

Riley: Now this is just plain stupidity, it’s way to early in the match to attempt a high risk move like that. He may have Williams hurt, but there’s no way he can keep him on the ground long enough to hit a high flying move.

 

True to Riley’s words, Williams makes it to a vertical base just as Xero reaches the top turnbuckle. Williams wipes some sleep out of his eyes, and spots Xero in the vulnerable situation. Williams rushes Xero, forcing him to sit down on the top turnbuckle to keep from getting crouched or knocked off. Williams climbs on to the second rope, and starts blasting Xero with cringe inducing elbow shots! Xero instinctively defends himself the only way he can, by simply pushing Williams off. Williams is caught off balance by the shove, and hits the mat with a sickening splat! Fighting to stay conscious, Williams scrambles back to his feet as quick as he can to avoid being jumped on, but that is exactly what Xero wanted him to do. As soon as Williams is upright, Xero dives off the top turnbuckle, and catches him in a front facelock. Xero uses his momentum to spin Williams around, and drive his skull into the mat!

 

Stevens: TORNADO DDT! I THINK IT MAY BE ALL OVER FOR WILLIAMS!

 

Xero frantically crawls on top of Williams, covering him for the pin. The crowd screams along with Hunt’s count.

 

 

“ONE!”

 

 

 

 

 

“TWO!”

 

 

 

 

 

 

“THREE!”

 

NO! Hunt waves off the count, and points to Williams’ boot on the bottom rope. The crowd violently jeers at poor Hunt, but Xero maintains his focus. Xero drags Williams back to the corner, and with a big smile on his face drops a knee on to his forehead!

 

Stevens: Xero getting some payback for Williams earlier assault, that has to be the most satisfying knee drop of his career.

 

Riley: Xero could learn a lot from Williams, he should be doing stuff like that instead of taking those stupid high risks.

 

With Williams laid out like a corpse in a casket, Xero again ascends the turnbuckles.

 

Stevens: He’s gonna try Absolute Xero again! This time I think he may hit!

 

Camera flashes light up the arena like strobe lights as Xero jumps off the turnbuckle, and performs a beautiful somersault in midair! THUMP! Xero lands perfectly right on top of Williams, holding the lateral press for the pin!

 

Riley: I DON’T BELIEVE IT!

 

Stevens: ABSOLUTE XEROOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!

 

 

ONE!

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

TWO!

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

TWO1/2........

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

TWO3/4.........

 

 

 

 

 

NO! Williams gets a shoulder up, bringing down a bombardment of “boos”.

 

Riley: HE KICKED OUT! WILLIAMS KICKED OUT OF THE ABSOLUTE XERO!!!

 

Stevens: I though for sure he had him! Xero was literally inches away from finally defeating Danny!

 

Xero doesn’t have time to morn the near fall, he quickly drags Williams’ limb body to the center of the ring and yanks him up by his arm. Crack! Williams surprises Xero with a stiff Elbow Smash! Xero drops Williams, allowing him to crawl to the salvation of the ropes.

 

Riley: Xero is really screwing this up, he is giving Williams all the time in the world to recover.

 

Xero takes his time to shake off the effects of the blow, before ripping the weary Williams off the ropes by his tights. Xero spins Williams around, and scoops him up on to his shoulder, triggering an explosion of cheers.

 

Stevens: Xero setting Williams up for............XERO GRAVITY! If he connect with this, surely he can keep Williams down for the three!

 

The change in altitude awakens Williams from his slumber, and he soon realizes he is not in a good situation. Williams wiggles his way out of Xero’s grasp, and lands behind him on his feet! Before Xero can turn around, Williams clobbers him with a stiff Enzuilariat! Williams tries to stay on his feet, but he blacks out and collapses to the mat along with Xero. Xero rolls around like he’s having a seizure, clutching his neck and grinding his teeth in pain.

 

Riley: I told you Xero was going to screw this up! First he gives Williams way too much time to recover from the Absolute Xero, than he attempts a difficult move on Williams when he is way too awake and aware.

 

Xero sucks up the pain, stands up, and focuses his attention on his drowsy opponent, who is blindly stumbling to his feet. Xero pops his neck, and gets into a kicking stance.

 

Stevens: All is not lost quite yet, Riley. Xero is still in control, and it looks like he’s going to take your advice and try to soften Williams up with a Superkick before he attempts another big move.

 

Xero hops forward on one foot, and fires the Superkick! But Williams catches his foot, just inches before it would make contact with his face! Williams jerks Xero forward, and smashes his temple with a stiff Spinning Back Elbow Smash! Crack! Barely able to hold his eyes open, Xero wobbles in place like a human punching back. Williams takes aim, shuffles his feet in a 360 spin, and fires the Rolling Elbow! CRACK! The lethal strike, damn near makes Xero’s head do a 360 spin before sending him crashing to the mat! All that spinning also throws Williams off balance, but he’s able to catch himself with the ropes before he goes down.

 

Riley: HE’S OUT! XERO IS OUT COLD! And it looks like Williams has found his feet again, to say Xero is in deep trouble would be a big understatement.

 

Stevens: Xero had victory in his grasp, but he just let it slip right out of his hands.

 

“BOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!” drowns out all the sound of the arena, while Williams adjusts his tights and assays the situation. Williams comes to the conclusion that Xero isn’t finished just yet, so he helps him up to his feet to do more damage. Williams shoves Xero down into a standing head scissors and sets him up for the Deathbomb! Williams lifts Xero high over his shoulders, and doubles over deep, slamming Xero into the mat with earth shaking power! Tremors are felt throughout the arena from the bone crushing impact of the Powerbomb, which the crowd responds to with an eerie silence. Williams folds Xero’s broken body in half, and leans over him for the pin.

 

 

ONE!

 

 

 

 

 

 

TWO!

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

TWO1/2!

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

THREE!

 

DING! DING! DING! Williams raises up, letting Xero’s body spring back to it’s natural position. Hunt raises Williams hand, as the disappointed fans show their disapproval by giving the thumbs down.

 

Fuynon: The winner of the match by pinfall, at 9 minutes and 23 seconds......DANNY WILLIAMS!!!!!!

 

The gentle melodies of In Flames’ “The Jester’s Dance” drowns out the sound of the fans jeers, as a battered Williams slowly makes his way to the locker room.

 

Riley: What an impressive win from Danny Williams! Giving Xero a painful reminder of who was the stronger half of the team.

 

Stevens: What a heartbreaker for poor Xero. I know he wanted to win this one really bad, and show up his former partner, but it just wasn’t enough. He threw everything he had at Williams, but he just couldn’t find a winning combination. Oh well, Frost and CIA are up next, so stay tuned!

[Guest BA_Baracus]

“Wow, Frost-Man your Kool-Aid tastes a lot better than Jim Jones’.” A smiling child beams with a giant glass of red Frost-Man Brand Kool-Aid in his hands. The image fades out to a black screen and a familiar voice is heard from a too quickly turned on microphone.

 

“So, then the penguin says, ‘excuse me, was that your toaster strudel?’ BWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!”

 

A shot of the SWF commentator’s table flashes on with Bobby Riley laughing his fool head off and Mark Stevens shaking his in an ‘I don’t get it’ gesture. Stevens’ head whips around as he notices the red light on the camera.

 

“Welcome back to SWF Storm. In our first match this evening, we saw the return of Deathwish Danny Williams to full time active service.”

 

“And we’re about to see CIA leave from full time active service after Frost gets through with him.” Riley chips in as he regains his composure.

 

“On last week’s program, Frost scored an impressive upset win over the World Champion El Luchadore Magnifico, despite interference from Sacred.”

 

Riley pantomimes smoking a joint. “Toke another one there, Mark. I have no idea where you’re getting all this crazy Sacred talk at, Frost beat ELM fair and square.”

 

“As fair and square as he beats anyone.” Stevens spits out with thinly veiled disgust.

 

“A victory is a victory and Frost should be facing Magnifico here tonight in a title match, not ELM’s bootlick.” Riley pounds the table with his fist for emphasis.

 

“You shouldn’t dismiss CIA as quickly as Frost has. The Canadian agent is coming off of a solid win at Dissention and is extremely fired up for this contest, seeking vengeance for his stablemate and friend.” Mark points out.

 

“CIA is more loony toony than the Bugs Bunny Movie. He lacks the focus and talent to take out a rampaging hoss on his way to the World Title.”

 

As Riley finishes, the camera pans around to find Funyon in the ring preparing for his next set of introductions.

 

“The following singles bout is scheduled for one fall under standard SWF rules. Introducing first,” Funyon extends his arm toward the entrance ramp and the house lights shift to a red tint. A Canadian flag blowing majestically in the breeze illuminates the Smarktron and the opening strings of “O Canada” gears up on the sound system. Suddenly, a burst of red pyrotechnics explode from the stage and the Canadian National Anthem is cut short by the slicing guitar riff opening of “Secret Agent Man.”

 

“He weighs in at 237 pounds and hails from Ottawa, Ontario Canada. A member of the Midnight Carnival, Canadian Intelligence Agent, or better known as C…I… AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!” Funyon draws out the A as long as his expansive lungs will let him.

 

“Ladies and Gentlemen,” CIA says as he steps through the backstage curtain with microphone in hand “I bring you greetings from the Frozen North!” The fans pop as CIA strolls down the ramp. “Buy yourself a Canadian beer and prepare to have your eyes opened!”

 

Riley: “This guy’s a complete fucktard.”

 

Stevens: “I don’t think you can say that on the air.”

 

Riley: “I don’t think CIA should be on the air and it doesn’t stop him.”

 

CIA slides into the ring under the bottom rope and stands proudly with his arms out to the side, Canadian flags hanging down from the sleeves of his jacket. He tilts his head back and brings the mic up and to his lips. “Raise your voices up, let the people smile! Cause I’m here to bring that CANADIAN STYLE!” Even the fans in San Antonio pop madly for the man north of the border. He removes his jacket and folds it with much care and love before handing it over to a ring attendant along with his microphone.

 

“Secret Agent Man” fades and is replaced by an even more scorching guitar riff in “Frost Wants to Kill Your Mama.”

 

“And his opponent, from Reykjavik, Iceland at a weight of 296 pounds. He is a member of the Magnificent 7 and…” Funyon shakes his head and stares at his card before shrugging his shoulders and continuing “the number one contender for the SWF World Title…” the audience jeering zooms to a fever pitch “FRRRRROOOOOOOOSSSSSST!”

 

Frost struts out from the back, sending smoke up from his cigar like a locomotive’s smokestack. He lumbers to the ring, yelling the occasional epitaph at a swearing fan and deflecting thrown garbage.

 

Riley: “Look at that class from the San Antonio fans, expect tobacco juice to come flying any moment.”

 

Stevens: “I say they are giving as good as Frost is giving them.”

 

Frost spits his cigar out at a sign reading “Frosty Blows, Man” and it rebounds off to lie on the floor.

 

Riley: “Have you seen the man’s latest promo? You can’t tell me that hunting in a mohair suit isn’t classy.”

 

Frost bounds up to the ring apron and steps over the ropes with a wide stride. The two combatants stare at each other from across the canvas, CIA with a sly smile and Frost with an annoyed scowl.

 

Stevens: “These two men have only met up once before in the SJL, a triple threat match for the European title that strangely enough also included Frost’s old tag team partner TNT.”

 

Riley: “And we all know who retained on that night.”

 

DING DING DING

 

CIA turns and raises his arms up to the crowd, looking for one last pop before the action begins. Frost charges and hammers him in the back with a forearm.

 

Riley: “The only thing this guy can do well is play to the humanoids and that won’t win you any matches.”

 

Frost snatches CIA by the wrist before he can recover and slings him to the far ropes. The Canadian turns to take the strands on his back and rushes back toward Frost’s outstretched arm. He ducks the clothesline and charges for the opposite ropes. Frost turns to catch CIA, but instead receives a bionic elbow to the top of the skull! Frost backs up an inch and shakes his head with no ill effects. CIA’s eyes go wide with surprise and a stiff clothesline waylays him. Both men drop to the canvas and Frost covers with a lateral press.

 

ONE

 

 

 

 

TWO

 

Stevens: “Kick out! Frost might have landed the Hell Freezes Over, but it’s a little too early to go for a pin.”

 

Both men scramble up and CIA heads for the ropes. Frost stands his ground as CIA bounces off.

 

Riley: “Frost wants to get out of here and grab a dozen wings and a beer. He doesn’t see this bozo as any threat.”

 

CIA ducks under a sloppy overhead right and moves into Frost with a knee to the gut. He doubles over and the mysterious secret agent grabs a facelock, but before he can snap off a DDT, Frost back him into the corner and referee Anthony Michael Hall calls for the break.

 

Stevens: “CIA backs up for the clean break…OWE!…Frost just suckered him with a hook shot to the ribs.”

 

CIA stumbles around trying to regain his breath. Frost steps in front of him and snapmares him over to the canvas. The Icelander pushes CIA flat and lateral presses once more.

 

ONE

 

 

 

 

TWO

 

Stevens: “A SNAPMARE! Frost was looking for a pin off a snapmare!? With a sloppy cover!?”

 

Riley: (yawns) “This is less than a light workout with Mercury in the Mag 7 Danger Room.”

 

The two men stand and CIA uses his slight edge in speed to skip back on his left leg and fire out his right with a thrust kick. His heel clips Frost in the shoulder and he staggers back a step.

 

Stevens: “CIA advances to land a stepping palm blow to the chest…follows with two more stiff shots to either cheek…ROARING ELBOW!”

 

CIA throws all he has into the strike and Frost flies back into the near corner and slumps down. He shakes his head, but can’t clear all the cobwebs. CIA raises his arms to the crowd and receives praise for the small victory.

 

Riley: “Don’t celebrate you boob, RUSH HIM!”

 

As if hearing Riley’s suggestion, the Canadian snaps serious once again and charges headlong toward Frost with a shoulderblock. He sticks up a big boot and clocks CIA in the jaw! He spins around stunned and Frost hobbles out of the corner to catch him under the left arm with a half nelson as he skips off the mat.

 

Stevens: “HALF NELSON BULLDOG! THE COVER!”

 

ONE

 

 

 

 

TWO

 

Stevens: “Still only two. CIA charged as you suggested Bobby and he almost got his head knocked off.”

 

Riley: “I also said NOT TO CELEBRATE, Frost isn’t wasting any time going for big moves and pinfalls.”

 

As the two men stand, the former boxer wallops CIA with a powerful uppercut. The Carnie falls into the ropes and sloppily bounces off. Frost seizes him across the chest as he falls forward and cinches him tight under the right armpit.

 

Riley: “After this Ice Shelf hits, tell the loser-weights to get warmed up.”

 

CIA reaches up and grabs Frost’s extended arm while grapevining the man’s near leg with both of his. He uses his new found leverage to roll into the mammoth grappler, facing away from him with the arm still hooked and letting go of the leg. He throws his weight forward and tosses Frost like a sack of garbage over his head and onto his back.

 

Riley: “Where did he learn that?”

 

Stevens: “Canadian military, standard judo moves and holds are a key to military fighting techniques.”

 

CIA doesn’t stop to bathe in the audience pop and drops a knee to the chest. He makes the cover.

 

ONE

 

 

 

 

TWO

 

Stevens: “Frost bench presses him off, but CIA is showing some real aggression.”

 

They race up with Frost capturing his opponent by the wrist and whipping him to the corner. CIA stops himself short from taking the turnbuckles full force and hops up to the second strand as Frost freight trains in with a shoulder block. CIA cuts him off with a double axehandle from the second turnbuckle and the mighty oak timbers!

 

Stevens: “Frost was asleep at the wheel for that one. COVER!”

 

ONE

 

 

 

 

TWO

 

 

 

 

TH-

 

Stevens: “A little longer until the kick out that time. Frost is not giving CIA any credence and it’s starting to cost him.”

 

The secret agent leaps to his feet and heads for the ropes as Frost struggles up. He comes sailing off, all limbs flailing and jackhammers into Frost with surprising force.

 

Stevens: “HEAVY DROPKICK!”

 

Riley: “Is that like heavy water, because I don’t see the difference in either one.”

 

Frost tumbles off balance and flips head over heels. He pushes back on his hands and heads to the floor while the fans jeer his predicament. Hall leans over the ropes and yells at Frost to move back inside as he starts a count out.

 

Stevens: “CIA has the Velvet Hammer on the run!”

 

Riley: “Ok, so maybe this match won’t be a Saturday in the park, but Frost realizes that now and is making the smart move in taking a breather to regroup. If CIA had a brain he’d follow him out.”

 

CIA points at Frost and waves him to come back in as the crowd hollers. Frost paces back and forth, sweat pouring off his furrowed brow. He mutters curses under his breath and pulls himself up to the apron by the second rope.

 

Stevens: “CIA advances like the determined soldier he is…Frost dodges a right hand…CIA grips the top rope…slingshotting over!…NO!”

 

CIA flips over Frost’s head and grabs his waist as he sails by. He jerks Frost off the apron and the two tumble through the air to strike the thin black floor mats!

 

WHAM!

 

Riley: “Sunset flip to the floor! Does all that free health care up there mean everyone has access to medicinal marijuana? He could have killed Frost!”

 

Stevens: “He could have killed himself! Frost is out cold and flat on his back. CIA is trying to stand, but the back of his legs took a good bit of punishment on that fall as well.”

 

The fans scream and chant “C-I-A C-I-A.” The erstwhile secret agent stumbles around, trying to find his feet and lifts a proud arm to the fans. Hall jumps to the floor to check on both men to see if they can continue.

 

Riley: “That is just reckless stupidity!”

 

Stevens: “We’ve seen CIA put his body on the line before and, as you said Bobby, this match is no Saturday in the park for either man. What he might give up to Frost in sheer power he more than makes up for with his cunning mind and will to win.”

 

CIA waves the ref off and bends to lift Frost by his closely cropped hair, but the man is out cold and 300 pounds of dead weight. CIA hunches down and hooks the big man under both arms, but can’t drag him up.

 

Riley: “CIA is giving up nearly sixty pounds to Frost and was never the strongest guy in the gym. He should go for the count out win.”

 

Stevens: “I know he doesn’t want to win by count out. CIA wants to pin Frost’s shoulders to the mat and show him what he can really do.”

 

CIA drags Frost’s torso up enough to drape him on the apron and then takes his ankles to shovel him in the ring.

 

Riley: “Up to now, all he’s done is look like a dumbass and being a Carnie certainly doesn’t help that.”

 

CIA slides in after the body with Hall close behind. The intelligence agent drags Frost to the center of the ring by his wrists and rolls him over on his back. CIA takes a few puffs of much needed air from the strenuous hauling and makes the cover.

 

ONE!

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

TWO!

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

THREE-

 

Riley: “SHOULDER UP!”

 

The unbelieving crowd gasps. CIA leans up on his knees with a dejected look. Hall shakes his head and CIA shrugs his shoulders. He stands and shoots the fans a thumbs up.

 

Riley: “Why don’t you talk about heart and determination with Frost like you do all your boys?”

 

Stevens: “Because that man isn’t running on anything more than pure evil.”

 

CIA trips over to the near corner and gingerly climbs the turnbuckles to the top rope.

 

Stevens: “The Air Canada! CIA’s devastating moonsault elbow smash. I don’t think Frost could kick out of that with all the punishment he’s received.”

 

Frost pulls himself along the mat by his forearms, grimacing with each painful inch. CIA fights for his balance on the top rope, but is having a hard time setting himself right.

 

Riley: “His legs are shot from the sunset flip. He took as much of the force on his legs as Frost did on his back. As I always said, the sucker’s weak kneed.”

 

Frost reaches the corner and tugs himself up the cords as CIA straightens up. The throng yells a warning, but the Canadian’s back is to the ring and he doesn’t see the Icelander give the tope rope a feeble shake. Yet that is all that is needed to dislodge CIA.

 

Stevens: “CIA falls awkwardly from on high! Frost rolls him up for the pin! C’MON REF, FEET ON THE ROPES!”

 

ONE!

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

TWO!

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

THRE-

 

Not even the power of the Flair pin can hold CIA down from fidgeting out. He staggers up, stunned more than hurt from his top rope spill. Frost attempts to rocket up, but a spasm of back pain stops him dead in his tracks.

 

Stevens: “Spinning heel kick knocks Frost into the corner. CIA is doing his best not let up when he’s got the big man on the ropes.”

 

Frost slouches and CIA darts in to race up to the second rope. He stands over Frost with a fist cocked and the fans urge him on.

 

Riley: “God, how I hate the mounted punches bit.”

 

CIA wails away on Frost’s face while the fans count along with each overhand right.

 

ONE!

 

TWO!

 

THREE!

 

FOUR!

 

FIVE!

 

SIX!

 

SEVEN!

 

EIGHT!

 

NINE!

 

CIA pauses to add dramatic tension to the last belt, but Frost collects himself just enough to put his forearms up and shove CIA off! The agile grappler lands on his feet and charges back in without a moment’s hesitation. He climbs Frost like a tree and wraps his hands behind his head while putting his feet into his chest. CIA rocks back and forth once for leverage and flips Frost out of the corner to go sprawling across the mat.

 

Stevens: “MONEKY FLIP!”

 

Riley: “All these flips are apropos as the man has obviously flipped his wig long ago.”

 

CIA shuffles on his knees and flops on top of Frost while hooking the near leg.

 

ONE!

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

TWO!

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

THREE-

 

Hall taps CIA on the shoulder as he notices Frost’s foot on the ropes.

 

Riley: “That’s a good ring general, he knows where the ropes are at all times. Frost desperately has to slow CIA down with a big power move.”

 

Stevens: “So, Frost should be desperate in trying to make it out of here with a win?”

 

Riley: “I NEVER SAID THAT!”

 

The two men struggle up, but CIA keeps control by grabbing Frost by the hair and jerking him into a waistlock. CIA bends his knees and tries to belly-to-belly suplex Frost over, but his legs wobble and he can’t muster the strength needed. Frost sneaks his own arms around CIA’s waist and tosses him high overhead with a release belly to belly of his own! CIA haphazardly goes crashing into the upper left ring corner and collapses to the canvas. Frost drops to his knees, holding a hand to his pain wracked back. He scoots across the mat and falls on top of CIA long ways.

 

ONE!

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

TWO!

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

THR-

 

Stevens: “FOOT ON THE ROPES!”

 

Riley: “What a coward’s way out. A real man wouldn’t use the ropes.”

 

Stevens: “………Yeah, whatever you say.”

 

Frost rolls over on his back and both grapplers look up at the lights while sucking wind. Hall starts a double count out, but both men sit up and stand.

 

Stevens: “Frost with the spinning back fist. CIA barely ducks it!”

 

CIA glides into the big man for a knee lift, but Frost sucks his gut in and stutter steps back a hair to counter. The Velvet Hammer palms the back of CIA’s head and drives his face down into an extended knee! CIA pops into the air and flops over on his back.

 

Stevens: “Facebreaker! Frost isn’t going for the cover, thinking more punishment is needed and picks CIA up.”

 

Riley: “No more sucker’s covers, Frost is going to make sure this punk is completely knocked out.”

 

Frost takes a hunk of tights as he applies a front facelock. He hoists CIA up and bounces him on the top rope for a slingshot suplex, but one can literally see the blast of pain shoot through his back. He leaves CIA to dangle as he stumbles away in anguish.

 

Riley: “Man, it’s not cool to leave a dude hanging like that.”

 

Stevens: “More poor attempts at humor do not take away from the fact that Frost is nearly crippled with a back injury. I dare say CIA is having greater success against Frost than his stablemate El Luchador Magnifico did last week.”

 

Frost walks back toward CIA. The Canadian agent has come to enough to scoot off the top strand a bit and grip it with both hands. He yanks himself forward and twirls as he comes off the ropes to catch Frost in the chest with both legs!

 

Stevens: “CIA slingshots himself off his precarious perch with a tumbling body attack. Frost is stumbling…ROUNDHOUSE LEG SWEEP! Frost is down!”

 

CIA quickly wrenches Frost up by the sides of his head and maneuvers into a facelock. However, Frost counters by snagging CIA right below the knees and knocks him over with a double leg takedown! Frost catapults him into his chest and adjusts to have him around the tops of the thighs for a standing spinebuster. As he goes to crash him down, CIA puts his hands on the top of Frost’s head and launches himself into the air. He kicks his body out as he begins his decent, still with a grasp on Frost’s cranium, and slams the off balanced man down face first!

 

Stevens: “Breathtaking sequence that ends with CIA hitting a face jam.”

 

Riley: “Something that gay looking can’t be legal.”

 

Stevens: “Well, I’ve said the same of you.”

 

Both men lie spent, but CIA finally crawls over to Frost and uses the last of his strength to get the big man over and covers.

 

ONE!

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

TWO!

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

THREE-

 

Stevens: “KICK OUT! Neither man knows the meaning of the word quit.”

 

Riley: “But CIA will know many new meanings for ‘loser’ very soon.”

 

CIA rises exhausted and slouches against the ropes waiting for Frost. As he stands, CIA presses in and cinches Frost around the chest while hooking legs with him.

 

Stevens: “THE VIA RAIL! NO! COUNTERED!”

 

Frost twists out of the move to stand side by side with his opponent and gives him a stiff jab in the back to send him hurtling into the top turnbuckle chest first! Frost catches him as he ricochets out and drops him with an inverted DDT!

 

Riley: “Turn off the lights, the party’s over!”

 

ONE!

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

TWO!

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

THREE-

 

 

Stevens: “IT’S BARELY OFF THE MAT, BUT THAT SHOULDER IS UP AND THERE’S NO DENYING IT!”

 

Frost looks at Hall, who swipes his hand under CIA’s shoulder to demonstrate that it was lifted in time. Frost grits his teeth in anger and bolts up while pulling CIA by his hair. He gruffly slams him between his legs for the Early Winter, but howls at another back spasm!

 

Riley: “Face driver, Frost has this match clearly in hand.”

 

Stevens: “That was clearly an alternative for him not being able to hit the Early Winter and there wasn’t very much power in the move.”

 

Frost flops about trying to quiet his throbbing spine. CIA takes a second to rest and then starts his way shakily up. Frost staggers over and makes with a wild right hand that the agent ducks. He twirls around behind Frost and takes his shoulder in both hands while jumping up to snag his other shoulder with both feet! He throws his weight back and both men fall, with Frost’s shoulders pinned!

 

ONE!

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

TWO!

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

THREE!

 

Riley: “NO! HE SHOOK OUT AT THE LAST INSTANT!”

 

Stevens: “TOO LATE, BOBBY! CIA GOT HIM! Frost’s back was too messed up from the sunset flip to the floor and he didn’t have the proper game plan coming in.”

 

“SECRET AGENT MAN!” Johnny Rivers’ voice sings out as CIA stands and the ref lifts his arm in victory.

 

DING DING DING

 

Funyon: “Here is your winner by pinfall, CIAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!”

 

The fans pop wildly and CIA pumps his fist in the air before stumbling about on wobbly legs and clutching his ribs, fighting for air. Frost tugs himself up to one knee by the ropes and pleads with the referee like a schoolgirl ready to cry after being dismissed from a game of hopscotch.

 

Stevens: “So much for the number one contender now.”

 

Riley: “That’s a fluke win! ELM has still never pinned him! Hall’s on the take! CIA is on steroids! CIA knows weird Jedi mind tricks! This was not the job he was looking for!”

 

CIA plops to the floor before Frost can seek retaliation. He retrieves his jacket and holds it up for the fans while spreading the arms to allow the flags to drape down. Frost continues to plead his case in the ring with Hall.

 

Stevens: “A stunning victory for CIA and not one Frost will let sit for long. We’ll be right ba…oh…was that YOUR toaster strudel! BWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!”

[Guest BA_Baracus]

Storm returns to the airwaves, where the crowd onhand exceeds the health decibal level for the human ears and the announcers, Mark Stevens and Bobby Riley await their cue. After a heatlhy pan of the crowd, the camera settles in on the entrance ramp, awaiting the next match, while Mark Stevens receives the cue from the floor director. "Welcome back to Storm," Stevens salutes, "and what a night it's been so far."

 

"Are you kidding me," Riley retorts, "that's the understatement of the year. It's been a huge night!"

 

"As we get set to retire the Light-heavyweight title in a huge triple threat match," Stevens announces, "let me tell you what..."

 

Suddenly, the arena goes completely dark, short-circuiting Mark's statement, and leaving all in attendance completely dumbfounded. Suddenly, a heartbeat begins to emanate from the speakers, as the lights flash a fiery orange-red...then a deep, sinister voice...

 

"Beware."

 

"The end is near."

 

"For HE returns."

 

...and then all was normal.

 

The ligths have returned to full brightness...the SmarkTron has reverted back to its live footage...the world has returned to normality from that...that...whatever it was. After a momentary silence, Mark Stevens breaks the ice, "What in the hell was that?"

 

"I have no clue," replies Riley with a hint of WTF in his voice.

 

"Who's returning?"

 

"Dammit, I don't know...that was completely random."

 

"I don't even have it in my script here."

 

Riley and Stevens stare at each other for a moment as the camera zooms in on their confused faces. After the moment of dead air, Stevens remembers the live broadcast, "Uhhhh...I guess we'll go to commercial and see if we can figure this out over break."

 

"Yeah," responds Riley, "and if it's possible, can we get Ben to do some snooping to see if we can't find out what that was all about?"

 

"We'll be right back."

[Guest BA_Baracus]

SWF Storm fades back in from the commercial break, revealing the inside of the packed-to-the-brim SBC Center. Almost immediately after the fade-in, a voice suddenly comes over the speakers, screaming...

 

** Are you ready? **

 

 

** Are You Ready?! **

 

 

 

 

 

 

** CAUSE THE FRANCHISE IS HERE!!!! **

 

The Smarktron flashes the words 'The Franchise' that's followed by a blue and white photonegative image of Mak Francis as “Down With the Sickness” pounds over the speakers. Then the lights come back up and 'The Franchise' comes out onto the stage, receiving a somewhat mixed reaction for his presence.

 

Funyon: The following is a Triple Threat Match scheduled for one fall, and it is for the SWF Light Heavyweight Championship! Introducing first, from Philadelphia, Pennsylvania, weighing in at 225 pounds...Maaaaaaak Frrraaancis!!

 

Mak slowly strolls down to ringside and enters through the middle ropes. He saunters towards the center of the ring, turns toward the crowd, and throws his arms in the air, posing for the less-than-thrilled fans. Mak breaks the pose and begins some light stretching as “Down With the Sickness” fades out, leaving the fans anxious for the next superstar.

 

Stevens: And welcome back to SWF Storm, ladies and gentlemen! Up next is something of a bittersweet match, as we bid farewell to the SWF Light Heavyweight Championship...

 

Riley: Whattya mean, bittersweet?! It’s ALL sweet! We get to see three punk-ass lightweights beat the hell outta each other for a title that won’t even exist when they’re done.

 

Stevens: You’re just bitter because your LHW Title reign sucked.

 

Riley: Screw you! At least I had one, fatass!

 

Stevens: Bite me, jackass. Anyways, like I was saying, our next contest features Annie Eclectic defending the Light Heavyweight Title against Mak Francis and El Luchadore Magnifico before the belt is retired, possibly for good! The winner of this match will have the honor of retiring this illustrious and prestigious title right here, tonight.

 

Riley: An honor that Mak Francis will receive! He’s the heaviest, most technically sound, and downright heelish competitor in this ring! How can he NOT lose?

 

Suddenly, a Mexican voice comes over the speakers, shouting “UNO! DOS! TRES! CUATRO!” as a burst of pyro shoots upwards from each turnbuckle in conjunction with each shouted word. The fans immediately burst into cheers, nearly drowning out “Mission Trip to Mexico” by Bunch of Believers as it pounds over the speakers. El Luchadore Magnifico bursts out from behind the curtain a second later, gripping the World Title in one hand and his Mexican Flag in the other. Grinning wildly, Magnifico pauses at the top of the ramp, lifting his arms to a forty-five degree angle and creating a photo opportunity that many fans take advantage of.

 

Funyon: And now, from Mexico City, Mexico, weighing in at 193 pounds, he is the SWF World Heavyweight Champion...El Luchadooooooorre Magnificooooooo!!

 

Upon hearing his name, Magnifico breaks from his pose and quickly heads down the ramp, slapping fans’ hands as he goes. As he approaches the ring, ELM breaks into a sprint, sliding beneath the bottom rope and gliding into the ring on his belly. Magnifico pops back to his feet, hops onto the nearby second turnbuckle, and begins waving his Mexican Flag proudly, squeezing a little more heat from the capacity crowd.

 

Stevens: And who, I ask you, is more appropriate to be in possibly the final LHW Title match than the former four-time Champion, El Luchadore Magnifico?

 

Riley: Fallout.

 

Stevens: Well, maybe. But he’s not here, so Magnifico gets the chance to become this fed’s first five-time Light Heavyweight Champ and send off the belt he helped to immortalize!

 

Magnifico hops off of the turnbuckle, handing his Title and his Flag to the ref as “Mission Trip to Mexico” fades out. ELM glances at Francis, who is staring at the luchadore, before retiring to a corner and beginning his pre-match preparations. As this happens, "Angry Johnny" by Poe begins to play, as the lights in the arena dim, a red spotlight shining at the top of the ramp. Annie Eclectic walks out from behind the curtain, drawing cheers from the audience as she coolly looks out over the crowd, a smile on her face. Light Heavyweight Title in one hand and her trusty Singapore Cane in the other, Annie heads towards the ring.

 

Funyon: And now, from Indianapolis, Indiana, weighing in at 175 pounds...she is the SWF Light Heavyweight Champion...Annnnnie Ecleeeeectic!!

 

Annie slowly saunters down the ramp, blowing kisses at the male inhabitants of the crowd and pissing off their girlfriends and/or wives. She climbs onto the apron, into the ring, and turns towards the Smarktron, pointing her right thumb at her chest. After a moment, she breaks the pose and turns towards the ref, handing him the cane and the Light Heavyweight Title. Seeing that everything is in order, the ref turns towards the timekeeper and signals for the bell to officially begin the match.

 

DING DING DING

 

Stevens: And, of course, we have Annie Eclectic, who is only the second female Light Heavyweight Champion in our fed’s history. She’s got the speed, the spirit, and gosh darn it, she’s cute, too.

 

Riley: ...I hate you. Sooooo much.

 

Stevens: Get used to it, Riley. You need the money.

 

Magnifico, Annie, and Mak, all in separate corners, exchange glances with one another as the fans murmur excitedly. Suddenly, Mak turns to Magnifico and charges at the luchadore, only to be knocked to the ground with a shot to the temple! But as this is happening, Annie charges towards Magnifico as well, and manages to land a quick blow to ELM’s chin as he’s distracted with Mak! Annie lands three more quick punches, before grabbing Magnifico by the arm and whipping him across the ring, sending ELM rushing towards the far ropes. As Magnifico bounces off, however, Mak comes up from behind Annie, grabs her around the leg, and pulls Eclectic down to the mat, rolling her up with a School Boy! The ref slides into position and begins counting as Magnifico approaches...

 

ONE...

 

TW-No! Magnifico stomps on Francis, breaking up the pin before the two count. Francis quickly gets back to his feet, but as he stands, ELM drives his arm forward, slamming it into Mak’s chest with a Knife-Edge Chop! A loud SMACK! emanates off of Mak’s chest, contested only by the WHOOO! from the gleeful fans. ELM draws his arm back once more, drives it forward and...CHOP! SMACK! WHOOO!! After landing two Chops, Magnifico grabs Mak by the arm and whips him across the ring, towards the far ropes. As Mak rushes towards the ropes, Annie gets back to her feet and turns towards Magnifico. ELM looks at Annie and the two share a nod, before uniting hands and charging towards Mak with a Double Clothesline! As soon as Francis bounces off of the ropes, he runs directly into the united CLOTHESLINE POWER~! of Annie and Magnifico! Francis snaps back to the mat, his hand on his chin, as the fans cheer the double-team.

 

Stevens: It seems that Magnifico and Annie are on the same page tonight!

 

Riley: Just great! The tramp and the dirty Mexican are uniting to beat up on poor, defenseless Mak!

 

Stevens: Poor and defenseless? Riley, you said not a minute ago that Mak would win this match with no problem.

 

Riley: That was BEFORE this heinous double-teaming!

 

Francis pops back to his feet, but Annie grabs him by the arm as he stands and whips him towards the far corner. Mak turns just before impact, crashing back-first into the turnbuckles as Annie turns back towards Magnifico and grabs him by the wrist. Working together Annie whips Magnifico before the luchadore reverses it, sending Annie rushing towards Mak at full speed! But as Annie approaches, Francis suddenly pushes himself out of the corner and sidesteps towards Annie, throwing his foot into the air and slamming it into Eclectic’s chin with a Superkick! Annie immediately snaps backwards to the mat and rolls out of the ring, rubbing her chin gingerly as she steps onto the floor. Meanwhile, Magnifico rushes towards Mak, looking to succeed where Annie failed! As he approaches, ELM throws a Clothesline, which Mak deftly ducks beneath! Both men spin around to face each other, but Mak spins a little faster, allowing him to throw a boot to Magnifico’s gut! ELM doubles over slightly, allowing Mak to pull the luchadore into a Suplex position! Francis holds Magnifico in the position for a second...before snapping backwards to the mat, slamming ELM into the canvas with a Snap Suplex! Mak floats onto Magnifico, making the cover and drawing the ref down to the mat as the crowd boos...

 

ONE...

 

TWO-No! Magnifico kicks out after two, drawing a few cheers from the crowd. Undaunted, Mak rolls off of ELM, grabs him by the hair, and stands up, pulling Magnifico to his feet with him. Once ELM is standing, Francis suddenly pulls him into a Front Headlock, setting the luchadore up for a DDT! However, he fails to notice Annie, who has recently climbed onto the nearby top turnbuckle! After slapping on the Front Headlock, Mak unwittingly turns towards Annie’s corner, and the second he sees her, Eclectic leaps off of the top turnbuckle, extending her arms and legs for a Flying Cross-Body! Annie makes perfect contact with the aerial maneuver, crashing right into Mak’s chest and knocking him to the ground!

 

Stevens: Precision aerial attack from Annie, as she soars over Magnifico and knocks Mak to the ground with a Flying Cross-Body!

 

Riley: Wow, that’s great. Annie jumps over a runt and throws herself into Mak. Truly, she is the greatest talent of our generation.

 

Annie immediately rolls back to her feet as Mak starts to climb back to his feet. Once Francis stands, Annie grabs him by the back of the head, pulls it downwards, and throws her knee upwards, slamming it into Francis’ face with a vicious Knee Strike! Mak falls flat onto his back, his hand on his nose, as Annie falls onto her knees and covers him. But before the ref can even slide into position, Magnifico rushes towards his opponents and stomps Annie on the back, breaking her cover. Annie tries to get back to her feet, but Magnifico grabs her by the arm before she can do so, quickly pulling Eclectic to her feet. ELM then uses his grip to whip Annie across the ring, sending her rushing towards the far ropes. Annie bounces off of the ropes and rushes back towards Magnifico, and as she approaches, the luchadore leaps into the air and extends his legs, wrapping them around Annie’s head for a Hurricanrana! ELM jerks his legs backwards, pulling Annie to the mat with the Hurricanrana, before falling onto his knees, pinning Annie beneath them! The ref slides into position and begins counting as Annie struggles to free herself...

 

ONE...

 

TWO-No! Annie suddenly draws her legs backwards and hooks them under Magnifico’s arms, before sitting up and pulling ELM down to the mat with her legs, reversing into a pin of her own! The ref hastily restarts his count as Annie struggles to hold Magnifico down...

 

ONE...

 

TWO...No! Mak dives on Annie at two and a half, breaking the count and drawing a loud OHHH! from the crowd.

 

Stevens: Great Hurricanrana Pin from Magnifico, but Annie manages to reverse it into her own pin, only to have Mak break it up!

 

Riley: Ya see? Mak always triumphs! Annie and Magnifico can reverse all the stupid little pinning combinations they want, but it’s all meaningless in the end!

 

Annie begins climbing back to her feet, and as she rises, Mak suddenly breaks for the ropes behind them, bouncing off as Annie stands! Francis rushes back towards Annie, and as he approaches, Francis kicks his foot into the air, aiming it at Annie’s head with a Yakuza Kick! However, Annie manages to duck beneath the kick, spinning to face Mak as skids to a halt. Before Francis can turn around, Annie suddenly comes up from behind him, wraps her right foot around Mak’s left, and then grabs him by the back of the head for a Russian Leg Sweep! However, Mak quickly counters, throwing his elbow backwards and into Annie’s gut! The pain that suddenly shoots through the Hardcore Queen’s stomach weakens her hold enough for Francis to escape! Once free, Mak spins towards Annie, shoves his head beneath her arm, and wraps his arms around Annie’s waist, setting her up for a Northern Lights Suplex! But before Mak has the chance to lift Annie, Magnifico suddenly comes up from behind Francis and applies a Rear Waistlock! Not wasting any time, ELM immediately lifts Mak into the air, tearing him away from Annie, before falling backwards and slamming Francis’ neck and shoulders into the canvas with a German Suplex! A loud cheer rises from the crowd as Magnifico bridge for the pin, drawing the ref down to the mat to count...

 

ONE...

 

TWO...No! Annie stomps on Magnifico’s bridged body, forcing him to fall to the mat and break the cover.

 

Riley: How’s THAT for gratitude?! Magnifico saves Annie from Mak’s deadly Northern Lights Suplex, only to break up his own pin on Francis!

 

Stevens: There’s no room for gratitude or manners here, Riley! While I’m sure Annie appreciates the sentiment, she also wants to win this match as badly as Mak or Magnifico, and is willing to break up a few pins if she has to!

 

Riley: Bah, they’re no better than barbarians!

 

Annie grabs Magnifico by the arm and quickly pulls him to his feet, then uses her grip to whip the luchadore towards the far ropes. ELM bounces off of the ropes and rushes back towards Annie, and as he approaches, Eclectic leaps into the air and kicks out her feet, driving them into Magnifico’s face with a picture-perfect Drop Kiss! ELM falls to the mat, hands on her face, as the fans respond in a decidedly mixed fashion. Annie pops back to her feet and turns to Mak, who is slowly climbing back to his feet. Eclectic grabs him by the arm and begins helping Francis to his feet, when Mak suddenly shoots his hand upwards and rakes his fingers across Annie’s face! Annie turns away from Francis, her hands on her face as the crowd boos the blatant cheating. Mak finishes pushing himself to his feet and approaches Annie from behind, wrapping his arms around her waist with a Rear Waistlock! Francis immediately lifts Annie into the air, before falling backwards and slamming Annie’s neck and shoulders into the mat with a German Suplex! However, Mak refuses to release the hold, as he begins pushing himself back to his feet with Annie still in the Rear Waistlock!

 

Riley: Rollllllling Germans!! Mak is absolutely punishing Annie while teaching her in the fine art of the German Suplex!

 

Once Francis has stood and dragged Annie back to her feet, Mak lifts her into the air again, before falling backwards once more, hitting Eclectic with another German Suplex! The fans begin to boo as Mak continues his assault, climbing back to his feet once again with Annie STILL in his grasp! It takes a while and quite a bit of struggling, but Mak finally gets back to his feet, holding the dazed Annie in a Rear Waistlock. Francis attempts to lift her up one more time, but as he does, the Hardcore Queen wraps her foot around Mak’s ankle, blocking the lifting process! Mak tries once more, only to have Annie block him again! Francis is about to make another attempt, when Annie reaches up, wraps her arm around Mak’s neck, and falls onto her ass, pulling Mak down with her and driving his chin into her shoulder with a ¾ Neckbreaker! Francis, stunned by the Neckbreaker, springs off of Annie’s shoulder and stumbles backwards into the ropes, bouncing off as Annie pops to her feet and spins towards Mak! Francis stumbles back towards her, and as he approaches, Annie grabs Francis around the waist, lifts him into the air, and then immediately falls forward, slamming Mak flat on his back and driving him into the canvas with a Spinebuster! The fans cheer excitedly as Annie floats onto Mak for the pin, hooking the leg as the ref slides into position...

 

ONE...

 

TWO...No! Magnifico stomps on Annie at two and a half, breaking her pin and silencing many of the cheers in the crowd.

 

Stevens: Annie counters out of the German Suplex and nails Mak with a Neckbreaker Spinebuster combo, but Magnifico breaks up her pin right before the count of three!

 

Riley: Foolishness! Don’t they realize that they must unite their pathetic powers to defeat the greatness that is Mak Francis?

 

After breaking up the pin, Magnifico grabs Annie by the arm and pulls her to her feet, before using his grip to whip her into the corner. Eclectic turns around just before impact, absorbing the collision with the turnbuckles on her back as Magnifico walks towards her. ELM delivers a few quick boots to Annie’s gut, doubling her over slightly, before grabbing Eclectic by the waist and lifting her into the air, sitting her down on the top turnbuckle. As Annie sits on the turnbuckle, half-dazed, Magnifico climbs up after her, reaching the top rope in a matter of seconds. Once there, ELM slaps a Headlock on Annie and slowly, carefully pulls her to her feet as the fans begin to buzz and murmur in anticipation. Once Annie is standing, Magnifico grabs her arm and throws it over his head, before grabbing her belt and setting Annie up for a Superplex! At this point, the fans’ murmuring immediately changes to cheering, which only grows louder as Magnifico lifts Annie into the air and falls backwards off of the turnbuckle! Thousands of flashbulbs go off, lighting up the scene as ELM crashes back-first to the mat, slamming Annie into the canvas with a Superplex! The fans pop appreciatively as ELM lays motionless next to Annie, his chest heaving and his body refusing to move. Suddenly, the fans’ demeanor turns sour, as a nearby Mak Francis crawls towards Annie, looking to capitalize on Magnifico’s offense! Francis reaches Annie and falls onto her for the pin, drawing a loud wave of boos from the audience as the ref slides into position...

 

ONE...

 

TWO...

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

THR-Noo! Annie gets a shoulder up right before the three count, drawing a relieved cheer from the audience.

 

Stevens: And you said Annie and Magnifico were little better than barbarians! What about Mak, who tried to get the pinfall off of ELM’s Superplex!

 

Riley: Hey! I was simply citing the woman’s and the Mexican’s complete lack of judgment! Mak, on the other hand, is crafty, clever, and conniving! Triple C for triple cool!

 

Mak slowly rolls off of Annie and begins pushing himself to his feet, while Magnifico does the same a few feet away from him. Both men move upwards at an almost identical rate, standing almost simultaneously as Annie remains motionless on the ground. However, Mak’s back is turned to Magnifico as he stands, allowing the luchadore to stealthily approach Francis from behind! When Francis finally does turn around, ELM greets him by kicking Mak hard in the gut, doubling him over in the center of the ring! With Francis distracted, Magnifico is able to grab him by the arm and maneuver it into a Chicken Wing, before kicking Mak in the chin and snapping him back up to a standing position! ELM then wraps his arm around Mak’s head and falls onto his knees, pulling Francis down with him and driving his chin into Mag’s shoulder with Montezuma’s Revenge! The fans cheer wildly as Francis springs backwards off of ELM shoulder and falls to the mat, stunned by the luchadore’s signature move.

 

Stevens: Montezuma’s Revenge! Magnifico hits Montezuma’s Revenge out of nowhere, and that might be enough to put Francis away!

 

ELM remains on his knees for a moment, halted by exhaustion, before he drops onto his hands and knees and crawls towards Francis, falling onto him for the cover! The fans only grow louder in their approval as the ref slides into position and begins counting...

 

ONE...

 

TWO...

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

THR-Nooo!! Francis gets a shoulder up just in time, avoiding the pinfall and silencing many of the crowd’s cheers.

 

Riley: Ha HAH! You got all worked up about Magnifico hitting Monty’s Revenge, and it didn’t even get a pinfall!

 

Stevens: Maybe not, but at least Magnifico isn’t the one lying motionless in the middle of the ring.

 

Riley: No, that’d be Annie.

 

Stevens: Clever. Unfortunately for you, she’s climbing back to her feet.

 

Riley: Damn you, woman!!

 

True to Stevens’ word, Annie is starting to get back to her feet, while Magnifico does the same at a somewhat quicker pace a few feet away. After a few seconds of struggling, ELM to stand, reaching down and grabbing Mak by his hair as Annie reaches her feet. Magnifico notices Annie and shouts a few instructions to her as the Hardcore Queen listens, intrigued. When ELM finishes, a grin slowly creeps across Annie’s face as she nods at the luchadore, apparently agreeing with whatever he said. Annie suddenly turns to the corner and heads towards it, beginning the climb upwards as Magnifico starts pulling Mak to his feet. Once Francis is standing, ELM steps behind him, grabs Mak by the back of the legs, and slowly lifts him into the air, hoisting Mak onto the luchadore’s shoulders! In the meantime, Annie has reached the top turnbuckle, slowly standing up on it as she faces Magnifico and Mak, who are faced away from Annie.

 

Stevens: Wait a minute...this looks like the set-up for the...

 

Riley: The what?! It can’t be that great-

 

Stevens: The No Fucking Way!! Annie has never pulled off this move in her entire career, but she might do it tonight with the help of Magnifico!

 

Annie begins pumping up the crowd, raising her arms and making the “cheer louder, dammit!” gesture as she prepares to attempt her most difficult maneuver. However, Annie prepares for a bit too long, as Mak suddenly bends over, grabs Magnifico by the knees, and rolls forward onto the canvas, pinning ELM to the mat with a Victory Roll! The surprised fans immediately begin to boo as the ref slides into position and begins counting...

 

ONE...

 

TWO...Annie leaps off of the top turnbuckle!

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

THRE-Nooo!! Annie crashes onto Francis with a Frogsplash at the last possible moment, breaking up the pin and causing bodies to be strewn everywhere! The fans release an incredible pop for what they just saw as Annie, Magnifico, and Mak lay motionless on the mat!

 

Stevens: Damn! It’s not exactly the No Fucking Way, but Annie busts out a rare Frogsplash regardless to break up Francis’ pin in impressive fashion!

 

All three competitors remain motionless for several seconds, until Annie and Mak begin pushing themselves to their feet, leaving Magnifico alone for the moment. After struggling for a bit, both Annie and Mak finally stand, with Eclectic facing away from the Franchise. Unwittingly, Annie slowly turns around and comes face to face with Mak, and as she does so, Francis throws his boot into her gut, doubling Annie over with a stiff kick! With the Hardcore Queen doubled over, Mak is able to pull her into a Suplex position, drawing many a boo from the crowd. However, the distaste towards Francis only rises when Mak throws Annie’s arm over his shoulder and hooks her leg, setting her up for the Franchise Tag!

 

Riley: JUMPING FISHERMAN BUSTAAAAAAHHH!! Annie is screw-ed!

 

Stevens: If Franchise hits the Franchise Tag, the Light Heavyweight Title is as good as his! Annie better think quickly if she wants to be the one to retire her championship!

 

Francis holds Annie in that position for a moment, summoning up the strength to lift Annie...and then hoists her into the air, ready to finish the Hardcore Queen off! Mak jumps into the air as he lifts Annie, then falls flat onto his back, slamming Annie’s skull into the canvas with the Franchise Tag!! The fans boo like crazy as Annie crumples to the mat, lying belly-up and motionless as Mak collapses next to her, too exhausted at the moment to make the cover. The fans’ booing continues until they suddenly notice Magnifico, who has gotten to his feet and climbed to the top rope while this was happening! ELM stands up on the top turnbuckle, pausing only to turn towards his Mexican flag and salute it proudly! The fans begin to cheer in anticipation as ELM leaps off of the top turnbuckle, flipping backwards in mid-air and crashing towards Mak with a Mexican Pride Press! Thousands of cameras go off, forever capturing the image of Magnifico slamming into Mak’s gut and making perfect contact with the Press! ELM literally bounces off of Francis and falls to the mat, clutching his gut and rolling around in pain as the fans go nuts!

 

Stevens: No! No! Franchise hits the Franchise Tag, only for Magnifico to hit him with the Mexican Pride Press a second later!

 

Riley: Goddamn sneaky, cheating luchadore!!

 

Stevens: I thought those were two of the attributes you enjoy most in a wrestler, Riley.

 

Riley: Not when they belong to an undeserving waste of space like Magnifico! ARRRGH!!

 

A few seconds after nailing Francis, Magnifico manages to block the pain out of his mind for a few seconds and begin crawling towards the motionless Mak! The fans cheer madly, doing their best to motivate Magnifico as he approaches Francis. Finally, ELM reaches his destination, draping himself over Mak’s chest for the cover! The fans release the loudest pop thus far, sensing the end as the ref slides into position and begins counting...

 

ONE...

 

TWO...

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

THREEEE!! The ref springs to his feet and signals for the bell, which is nearly drowned out by the throngs of cheering fans!

 

DING DING DING

 

Funyon: Your winner, and the NEW, Light Heavyweight Champion...El Luchadoooooorre Magnificooooooooo!!

 

The ref ducks to the outside, heading for the Title as “Mission Trip to Mexico” hits the speakers. Magnifico slowly rolls off of Mak and begins pushing himself to his feet, seemingly oblivious to the match’s result as the ref grabs the title and heads back towards the ring. As ELM stumbles to his feet, the ref rolls into the ring and stands up, before walking over to the luchadore and handing him the Title. A smile slowly creeps across ELM’s face as he takes the title and embraces it, flooded by several different emotions at once.

 

Stevens: Yes! He did it! Magnifico wins the match and receives the honor of retiring the Light Heavyweight Title! I wouldn’t have it any other way!

 

Riley: I would!! That dirty, talentless, illegal little bastard doesn’t even deserve to touch that title, let alone hold it five times!

 

Magnifico’s emotional trip comes to an end when he notices Annie, struggling to get to her feet. ELM lays the title on the mat and heads over to Annie, grabbing her by the arm and carefully helping the Hardcore Queen to her feet. Once Annie is standing, she shoves Magnifico away, apparently somewhat miffed at losing the match. Annie falls backwards into the ropes, using them to keep herself standing as ELM lingers in front of her, a concerned look on his face. Annie looks up at the luchadore, her eyes scanning his face as she breathes heavily. Suddenly, she eyes the Light Heavyweight Title and pushes herself off of the ropes, walking towards the title as Magnifico steps out of the way. Annie bends down, grabs the title, and examines it in her hands as ELM and the crowd look on, somewhat confused. Annie slowly turns towards Magnifico, still holding the title, before looking the luchadore up and down, obviously in deep thought. Annie looks down at the title once more...and extends it towards Magnifico, a smile on her face. The fans cheer the respectful gesture as ELM accepts the belt, grinning happily as he does so. Magnifico thanks Annie, before extending his arm and offering a handshake, which Annie graciously excepts.

 

Stevens: Now that’s how you send off a title! Annie and Magnifico showing their respect for one another and the Light Heavyweight Title on the eve of its retirement!

 

Riley: Aww, isn’t that just sweet. I can almost ignore the fact that I want to projectile vomit after watching this. Almost.

 

Stevens: Well, Riley might not enjoy it, but I think that this match has ended on a great, hopeful note. Stick around, folks, Storm will be right back after these commercials.

 

The final image broadcasted before commercial is two generations of Light Heavyweights, shaking hands and ending what might be the final contest for the Light Heavyweight Title...

[Guest BA_Baracus]

Flying back into the SBC Arena in San Antonio, Texas, we come upon fans, cheering loudly like bunch of girls watching Justin Timberlake, who, by the way, gives a whole new definition to the word SUCK. Those merchandise-wearing folk, with their “Suicide King’s SWF Bible” (aka his autobiography), and their foam World Title belts, and their Bemani Cross Wizards action figures, are excited, all trying to get on TV, some with signs, reading:

 

“WE WANT SACRED!”

 

“Look at me! I ‘m on TV! WHEEEEE!!!”

 

“Don’t Worry, Bobby: Suicide King Is My Personal Jesus, Too!”

 

and

 

“Ketchum is Hardcore!”

 

And after we see some of those signs, we switch to the announcers table, where we are greeted with a big, happy-

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Riley(going nuts): FOR THE LAST TIME, I AM NOT HITLER’S REINCARNATED SOUL, MOM!!!

 

Bobby’s pissed about something as Stevens watches on, scared of the angry Bobby.

 

Stevens: And I’m not going to comment on that. But regardless, welcome back to SWF Smarkdown, where we are live in beautiful San Antonio, Texas! Joined by the one, the only Bobby Riley, I’m “Grand Slam” Mark Stevens, live here in San Antonio! And what an exciting match we have tonight!

 

Riley: Exactly, Stevens. It’s Perfect Bo versus Ash Ketchum in a Hardcore Title Match! Last time these two fought, well, I forget, but Bo’s gonna kick his ass tonight.

 

Stevens: I think Ash barely squeaked out a win, didn’t he?

 

Riley: Maybe. I don’t keep track of this shit. Ask Bo when he comes down to the ring. That is, if he doesn’t slit your throat first.

 

Stevens: Maybe so, but regardless, it looks like it’s time for this match to get underway, so let’s send it off to Funyon...

 

Suddenly, “Keep it Thoro” by Prodigy hits as the SmarksTron comes to life showing the word “BO” with some of his old clips of victories and triumphs. Following quickly afterwards, Bo appears on top of the stage and quickly walks down the ramp. No fancy pyro, no dancing chicks, no smoke and mirrors. Hell, he doesn’t even listen to anybody. Not the fans, not the ref, not the announcers. He just doesn’t give a fuck. His face shows a pissed off expression combined with an expression showing that he is determined to deliver some pain...

 

Funyon: The following hardcore match is scheduled for one-fall, and it is for the SWF HARDCORE CHAMPIONSHIP!!! Introducing first, from The Bronx, New York, weighing in at 285 pounds... PERFECT BOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!

 

He enters the ring, quickly hopping onto his feet. He turns around to face the ramp with his arms on top of the top rope, waiting, waiting for his victim patiently, cool and collected just like Hannibal Lecter before he’s about to kill someone.

 

Riley: Ah Bo, a true SWF legend we have been graced by his presence, and you, my friend, are not worthy to stand beside him.

 

Stevens: Bo is a former Hardcore Champ, and that will certainly add something to this match!

 

Suddenly, the lights cut out, a kickin’ piano piece blastin’ over the speakers. The crowd begins to cheer a little, pyro similar to Christian’s entrance flowing from the top of the SmarkTron and spewing from vents in front of the entrance. The crowd rises to its feet, roaring with cheers.

 

Riley: And I was just feeling great...

 

At the same time, a Poke Ball upon the SmarkTron. It begins to spin as the crowd pops, spinning faster and faster and faster until it stops, blocked out by a picture of a certain wrestler’s head, winking at everyone in the arena. A huge pyro blast suddenly kicks up from the front of the stage as Billy Crawford’s “Pokemon Theme” blasts through the speakers. The pyro in front of the entrance then stops, and a spotlight shines down on Ash Ketchum. Turning around from his Jericho-like pose, he spins, light reflectiong off the Hardcore Title around his waist, smiling happily as the crowd pops. Ash turns to look, waving into the ring at Bo, who keeps an intense, but straight face as Ketchum, makes his way down to the ring, slapping hands with some of the crazed fans.

 

Funyon: And his opponent, from Pallet Town, weighing in at 258 pounds, he is a member of X FORCE NINE AND THE SWF HARDCORE CHAMPION... ASH KET-CHUMMMMMMMMMMMMM!

 

He climbs up onto the apron, slinging his title into the ring, then climbs in himself. Ash then climbs the turnbuckle closest to the crowd and with lightning precision, removes his shirt. Whirling it wildly over his head, he smiles as he releases the shirt, flinging several rows back into the hands of some JD fan. JD has fans? Whatever. The young child smiles as Ash dismounts the turnbuckle, turning to face Bo, who seemingly vanishes for large amounts of time, the reappears.

 

Stevens: Bo might win this one, but you gotta take into effect the fact that Ash is the current Hardcore Title holder, and this is a hardcore match.

 

Riley: Blasphemy! He got luck he beat Frost last week for the damn title in the first place. Now, it’s time for Bo to show him how a real man fights!

 

The two men move toward each other, referee in the middle. Bo and Ash stare each other down as the referee explains the rules of the match to the two men once more. Once finished he backs off as the two men slowly back up to prevent the other from jumping them. And then, we hear...

 

“DING DING DING!” The two men begin to circle each other in the ring like sharks going for the kill, the crowd alive early on:

 

Crowd: KET-CHUM! KET-CHUM!

 

Stevens: The fans heavily favoring Ash right from the get-go here, and it looks like we’re underway!

 

The circle begins to tighten upon itself until the two men are mere inches away. Quickly, the two men hook up, tussling in a grapple hold in a test of strength. It seems like Ash should win, but Bo does, sliding Ash into a front headlock. He tightens the noose around Ash’s neck, Ketchum placing his hands on Bo’s arm and trying to push his head out of the hold. Bo smiles as Ash struggles, here and there throwing in a punch to Ash’s head to keep him from escaping. Ash continues to push, and eventually, he is granted the freedom he desires, headed back towards the ropes. Ash rebounds and strikes first, nailing Bo with a clothesline, Bo hitting the mat. Ketchum pounds away as Bo rises to his feet, sending Bo staggering back towards his own ropes. Ketchum quickly grabs hold of Bo’s arm as he heads back towards the ropes, whipping him forward with a mighty heave. Bo flies towards the ropes, bouncing off them and flying back at Ash. Ketchum leaps into the air, legs extended, implanting his feet into Bo’s chest with a missile dropkick! Bo is thrown back from the move as Ash Ketchum flips, landing on his feet while Bo begins to recover.

 

Stevens: Quick work early on by Ketchum as he goes into his strategy.

 

Riley: Ash has a strategy? I always thought he just did whatever the hell he wanted to do. He’s crazy, you know...

 

Bo rises onto his feet as Ash Ketchum lands on his. Quickly, Ketchum breaks out into a sprint, throwing his arm around as he swings at Perfect Bo. Bo, though, ducks the blow, dropping to a knee while driving a fist up into Ash’s ribs, executing a nice European uppercut to the chest! Ketchum staggers back a few iches, but Ash does not collapse to the mat, as Frost and others have been able tomake him do in the past. Bo looks confused as to why Ash hasn’t collapsed yet, but before he can answer, Ketchum’s head pops up and he shakes his head “Not this time!”, mouthing the words to go along with it before he begins a flurry of jabs into Bo’s chest.

 

Stevens: Bo obviously hasn’t scouted Ash out properly, or otherwise he’d have known Ash’s ribs are now 100% healed!

 

Riley: How the fuck can he? The guy’s been MIA for almost a week and a half!

 

Stevens: He could, of course, be running on old information here...

 

Bo staggers back a little, but in general effect, the blows do not harm him that much. His years on the streets of New York City pay off as the Puerto Rican from The Bronx blocks an Ash Ketchum punch and counters with a huge uppercut! Ketchum staggers back, grabbing his jaw as he staggers back, but Bo latches onto his arm and whips him wildly across the ring. Ketchum hits the spongy ropes on the opposite side of the ring and bounces back towards Bo. At this time, Perfect Bo runs at Ash, jumping into the air as he slams into Ash with a huge clothesline takedown! Both Bo and Ash fall to the mat but bound right back onto their feet.

 

Stevens: Ash Ketchum hasn’t had an opponent this tough since he fought Jay Dawg, and he lost the title to him in that match!

 

Riley: What about Frost? Isn’t he tough, too?

 

Stevens: Yes, but Jay Dawg is much tougher than Frost.

 

Riley: Yeah, in YOUR opinion...

 

As Ash and Bo get onto their feet, Perfect Bo strikes back, grabbing Ash’s arm and whipping him into the corner. Ketchum’s back hits the ring post with a “Thud!” and he lets out a cry of pain, but before he can stagger out of the corner, Bo is all over him, starting things off with a charge into the corner and a body avalanche, crushing Ash under 285 pounds of sheer hardcore from the streets of New York. Ketchum falters and nearly collapses but Bo immediately begins a barrage, no, a rapid fury of fists into Ash’s upper torso and head, just destroying him as the referee begins the five-count. “BOOM-BOOM-BOOM-BOOM-BOOM-BOOM-BOOM-BOOM-BOOM-BOOM-BOOM-BOOM-BOOM!” 13 punches to the chest before the ref gets in between Bo and Ash, pushing Bo away from Ash. He obviously forgets it’s a HARDCORE match and that Bo can punch Ash as many times as he feels fit. Regardless, Bo knocks the ref down as Ash Ketchum comes staggering out of the corner, clutching his head in pain.

 

As Ash staggers out of the corner, Bo catches and lifts Ash up in the air as if for a back drop, but instead of tossing him over, Bo pushes him up in the air when Ash is horizontal so he lands on his face or chest when he hits the mat. As Ash is falling to the mat, though, Bo punches him right in his face, smahsing Ash’s face with his fist before he smashes it with the mat!

 

One!!!

 

Tw-Ash kicks out! The crowd pops loudly as Ash rests on the mat for a sec as Bo decides to quench his thirst for destruction, but not with a Pepsi Twist MAX, oh no. He moves towards the ropes and points at Funyon, screaming for something. Funyon delivers it: one cold, hard steel chair. Grasping the folded-up steel chair with both hands, he turns back around, heading back towards Ash. He sees the Poke Freak stagger onto his feet, and Bo counters by moving towards Ash, lifting the chair over his head.

 

Stevens: OH NO! NOT THIS! COME ON! PLEASE! PLEASE DON’T CRIPPLE HIM!!!!

 

Riley: Oh yes, please do. Finish the job Frost started at Dissention!

 

As Bo swings the chair down, Ketchum throws his hands up, clutching the chair before Bo can smash it with his hand, and slowly, the two men begin to struggle for superiority over the chair, Bo slowly gaining on Ash. Suddenly, the crowd begins to cheer a little, and as if by magic, Ash Ketchum begins to fight back, pushing the chair back up towards Bo. The two men struggle for at least 20 seconds back and forth, neither man giving in.

 

Stevens: Ketchum refuses to give in to Perfect Bo! He will NOT go quietly into the night!

 

But as soon as Mark says that, Ash lifts his leg into Bo’s chest, kicking his ribs. Bo cries out and releases the chair, but Ash swings it down, smashing the chair into Bo’s head with a monstrous “CLANK!”

 

Stevens: MY GOD! WHAT CARNAGE!

 

Perfect Bo, though, just staggers back as Ash lifts the chair up over his head again, slamming it down with a “CLANK!”, but once more, Bo does not go down, instead dropping to his knees and slowly rising up! Ash, in a panic, quickly swings the chair down and again, and finally, another “CLANK!” and Perfect Bo is out cold on the mat. Or so it seems, as the second Ash goes to pin Bo, Bo begins to rise back up, not wanting to give in. One more swing of the chair, and a final “CLANK!” subdues Perfect Bo as Ketchum drops the chair and covers Bo quickly, the ref dropping to the mat to make the count!

 

Stevens: FOUR CHAIR SHOTS TO BO’S HEAD AND HE’S FINALLY DOWN! COVER!

 

One!!!

 

Two!!!

 

 

BO KICKS OUT! The crowd is in shock at seeing Bo kick out of FOUR, that’s right, FOUR chair shots! Dammit, he’s hardcore!

 

Riley: Dammit, he’s hardcore!

 

Stevens: You’re telling me! How often these days can someone no-sell FOUR chair shots?

 

Riley: Not that often, Mark, not that often...

 

Ash can’t believe it either, but he falters not and proceeds to get back up, sliding under the bottom rope as he scavanges for items in the crowd. He reaches over the barrier as the crowd surrounds him, partially engulfing him while he sorts through the crowd, looking for a suitable weapon or two.

 

Stevens: Could this be something new for Ash?

 

Riley: Whatcha mean?

 

Stevens: Going into the crowd to look for weapons.

 

Riley: Looks like it, dumbass.

 

One by one, Ash Ketchum pulls the following from the crowd: two ladders, a table, a singapore cane, handcuffs, a sack of feathers, a roll of toilet paper, a six-pack of Pepsi Twist, and a roll of packaging tape, throwing each into the ring. All the objects land in the ring as Perfect Bo gets to his feet, Ketchum turning around to re-enter the ring. Sliding under the bottom rope, Ketchum hops to his feet and grabs his first implement of destruction, the roll of packaging tape. He runs towards Bo with it, and before Bo can react, sticks the tape to his arm. Clutching the roll, he begins to run tight circles around Bo, wrapping Bo up in the tape itself until the roll ends, but by then, Bo’s arms are bounded to his sides by the tape, and he begins to attempt to break out.

 

Stevens: What’s going on here?

 

Riley: You tell me.

 

As Bo struggles with the tape, Ketchum moves back towards the Singapore Cane, clutching it with both hands. He lets out a cry and charges at Bo, swinging it down at the distracted Bo, and-“CRACK!”-Bo drops to the mat like a sack of lead, Ketchum dropping the cane and dropping on top of Bo as Kivell makes the count!

 

One!!

 

Two!!!

 

 

 

 

TH-NO! PERFECT BO KICKS OUT! Ash argues with the ref, who argues back at Ash until the Poke Freak blows the ref off and moves back towards his stahs of hardcore weaponry, grabbing the table. He reaches under and pops both legs out, setting it down in the set-up position as Perfect Bo gets up, tearing through the tape in a furious rage.

 

Stevens: Can anything keep Perfect Bo down on the mat?

 

Riley: Hell no!

 

As Bo tears through the tape, he sprints as Ash, who turns around just at the right time, grabbing Bo’s shoulders and leaping onto them for a hurracanrana! Bo, though, counters, punching Ash in the ribs. Ash is stunned for a sec as Bo uncorks another punch to the gut before he drops Ash down as he drops forward with Ash, dropping him back first into a table as he slams him down with a falling powerbomb! “CRUNCH!” goes the table as it splinters under the force of the move, slamming Ash through it and injuring him more.

 

Stevens: OOOOOOOHHHHH!!! OH MY GOD! WHAT A POWERBOMB! ASH IS DOWN AND OUT! THIS MIGHT BE IT!

 

Riley: YES! HAHAHAHA! That’s my boy!

 

As Bo gets to his feet, he pumps his fist into the air for only a second before it comes back down. The crowd in the arena boos loudly as Bo drops to the ground and covers Ash, Kivell making possibly the final count:

 

One!!

 

Two!!!

 

 

 

 

TH-NO! ASH GETS THE SHOULDER UP! Bo gets up, slamming his fist into the mat in anger as Ash tries to get up, grabbing his back and crying out while Bo gets to his feet. As Ash struggles to get up, Bo moves back towards the Singapore Cane, grabbing it with both hands. He lets out a cry and charges at Ash, swinging it down at the dazed Bo, and-“CRACK!”-Ash drops to the mat like a sack of lead, the cane splintering in half as Bo drops the cane, letting Ash sit there for a mintue as he backs into a corner, slapping his thigh as he waits for Ash to get up.

 

Riley: Time for a big boot to Ash’s face!

 

As Ash gets onto his feet, Bo runs as fast as he can go, lifting a leg up and almost falling over, but he goes for a big boot! Ketchum, though, reacts quickly, grabbing the sack of feathers as he gets up, and ducking the boot, smashes the sack into Bo’s face! Feathers fly everywhere as Bo stops in his place, brushing the feathers from out of his face in anger.

 

Stevens: And a sack of feathers to the face of Bo? He’s certainly been stunned by that development!

 

Bo turns around, bumping right into Ash Ketchum, who promptly kicks him in the gut and hooks his arms as Bo bends over. Quickly, he lifts Bo up and falls back, executing an inverted double arm DDT called the Aftershock! Bo’s head slams ito the mat hard, but as Bo hits the mat, Ash rolls him over and covers him for the quick pin!

 

One!!

 

Two!!!

 

 

 

 

TH-NO! BO GETS THE SHOULDER UP! Ketchum can’t believe it! He knew he had Perfect Bo down for the count! He looks frustrated as he sits up from the pin, slamming his fist angrily into the mat, but as he turns around, he sees the ladders sitting there, unused, and formulates a wonderful and totally spontaneous plan!

 

Stevens: Uh-oh... Ash has that look again... that look like he just got an idea!

 

Riley: What’s he gonna do, capture Bo in a Poke Ball?

 

Riley pauses for a sec.

 

Riley: Shit, I hope it’s not that!

 

Ketchum scrambles to his feet, grabbing the ladders as Bo gets to his feet, grabbing his head and staggering away from Ash. Placing one ladder on it’s side, rungs facing Bo, he places the other ladder on top of it, top of the ladder facing Bo and the other ladder on top so that only the bottom foot of the ladder is on the side facing Ash.

 

Stevens: It looks to be some sort of ladder seesaw...

 

Riley: What’s this? Does he want to play seesaw with Perfect Bo?

 

As Bo recovers and turns back around, he sees the ladders and feels that it is a foolisn opportunity given to him by Ash, as the ladder forms a ramp for Bo to run up and attack Ash! Bo attempts to take advantage of this situation and runs at Ash, but what happens next is amazing. As Bo charges towards the ladder, Ketchum catches him in the act, and quickly, he runs and leaps into the air, leg-dropping the foot or so of ladder on his side of the other ladder. The other nine feet swings up as the other foot is pushed down, flying up just as Bo approaches it and slamming him under he chin with a gigantic “CLANK!” Perfect Bo is knocked off his feet, into the air, and slams into the mat on his back with great force, lying prone on the mat as the ladder flips over toward a now sitting Ketchum, who catches it. The crowd pops insanely loud and begins a “HOLY SHIT!” chant the likes have never been seen before while Ketchum gets up.

 

Riley: WHAT THE FUCK?!?!?!

 

Stevens: OH MY GOD!!! DID YOU SEE THAT?!?! DID YOU SEE THAT, BOBBY?!?!

 

Riley: I DON’T BELIEVE WHAT I JUST SAW, MARK!

 

Stevens: ASH KETCHUM USING THE LADDER AS SOME SORT OF A SEESAW WEAPON TO KNOCK PERFECT BO DOWN AND MOST LIKELY OUT! I GOTTA SEE THAT ON REPLAY

 

We are treated to a replay of the with the Pepsi Twist MAX Replay, one screen showing the replay move and the other the live action. In the live action screen, as Bo lies down on the mat, Ash Ketchum grabs one of the ladders and places it on Bo, staggering away into the corner and grabbing the top rope as the replay ends. With whatever he’s got left, he hops to the top rope and spins around.

 

Riley: Geez! That’s one hell of a move!

 

Stevens: Looks like it’s time for the Snorlax Splash!

 

Quickly, he springs like Tigger into the air, coiling and uncoiling his arms into a five-star frog splash, his chest aiming for Bo’s chest, but Bo rolls out from under the ladder, causing Ash to slam into it with a “THUD!” Ash bounces off the ladder, flips onto his back, sits up, and cries out in pain from the move as Bo attempts to get to his feet slowly, both men struggling to get up.

 

Stevens: Damn! That’s gotta hurt those ribs of Ash Ketchum!

 

Riley: Nice whiff, Ketchum! Better luck next time!

 

Ash slowly onto his feet he turns around just as Bo steps forward and shuffles his feet, swinging his leg up and attempting a superkick! Ash, though, ducks the blow as Bo overshoots Ash. Ash then steps behind him, hooking his arms as he attempts a backslide neckbreaker, but before he can drop down, Bo wrangles his arms free and breaks loose of Ash’s grip, confusing the Poke Freak as Bo turns to face Ash. Ash turns around just as Bo pitches his arm out and catches Ash by the neck. Bo tenses his hand, pushing his fingers deeper and deeper around Ash’s exposed throat in a chokehold as the crowd screams and boos, knowing what comes next while Ketchum grasps for air!

 

Stevens: BO GOING FOR A CHOKESLAM!

 

Riley: YES! YES!

 

Ash and Bo struggle for position, rocking back and forth until Ash lands an elbow into the side of Bo’s neck, causing Bo to shrug off. Bo drunkenly stammers back from the impact with his front towards his opponent, but as Ash charges at Bo, the Puerto Rican regains his composure as he pitches his arm out and catches Ash by the neck. Bo tenses his hand, pushing his fingers deeper and deeper around Ash’s exposed throat in a chokehold. The crowd “Oooooooo!”s as Bo lifts Ash up, and quickly, he gets slammed down into a god almighty-

 

Stevens: CHOKESLAM! CHOKESLAM FROM BO!

 

As Ash’s back slans into the mat, Perfect Bo inhales then uncorks a loogie that lands stright in Ash Ketchum’s face! The crowd is booing Bo loudly now, their hero lying on the mat in a heap, but Bo is not yet finished. nstead, he notices the dented chair from the beginning of the match that Ash used against him. “Perfect for what I have planned next,” Bo thinks to himself as he grabs the chair and unfolds the damn thing, leaving it open. Ash Ketchum attempts to sit up, but as Bo finishes with the chair, he grabs the stunned Poke Freak and pulls him to his feet, backing up after pulling Ash to his feet. He stands behind the chair as Ash staggers forward in a hunched over position, stalking Ash like Rhyno lines up his victims for The Gore or The Rock lines his victims up for the Rock Bottom.

 

Stevens: What the...

 

As Ash staggers forward, Bo lifts his arms up and tells Ash to bring it. Ketchum staggers towards bo, just what Chucky Brown expected. Quickly, Bo grabs the Hardcore Champion around the head in a 3/4 facelock and immediately prepares to drop Ash down into a 3/4 facelock bulldog otherisw known as the Diamond Cutter, or more or less in the SWF, The Perfect Pain, finishing move of Perfect Bo!

 

Riley: PERFECT PAIN TIME!

 

The chair gleams in the lights of the arena as Bo begins to drop downward, but what happens next unfolds quickly. Bo begins to drop towards the steel chair, but as he does, Ketchum spins his head around, clutching Bo under both arms as he drops back into a backslide neckbreaker! Bo still has his arm locked around Ash’s head, though, and as the two drop down, they both slam into the steel seat of the chair! The supports under the seat collapse and the chair falls apart as the crowd lets out a “Ooooooooooooooooooo!” and a few shrieks of terror.

 

“CLANK!”

 

Stevens: HOLY SHIT!!! PERFECT PAIN INTO A C4 IN MID-MOVE! HO-LY SHIT!

 

Riley: NO! I THINK BO HITS THE PERFECT PAIN!

 

Stevens: LOOKED MORE LIKE A C4 TO ME! BUT BOTH MEN ARE DOWN! NEITHER ARE MOVING!

 

Both men remain down for a lengthy time, breathing heavily. The crowd begins to chant “KETCHUM! KETCHUM!”, behind the Hardcore champ as suddenly, both roll over onto their chests, still hooked together. They rest for a moment before Bo tries to push forward and flip Ash into a backslide pin, but Ketchum pushes his body under Bo’s, curling the New Yorker’s body up and sliding it onto his back as he pins Bo to the mat with a messy backslide pin!

 

Stevens: COVER!!! COVER!!!

 

 

ONE!!!

 

 

 

 

 

 

TWO!!!

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

THREE!!!

 

 

 

“DING DING DING!”

 

Ash and Bo remain down as the ref reaches out for the title, grasping it while Funyon makes the announcement:

 

Funyon: Your winner and STILL SWF HARDCORE CHAMPION... ASH KETCHUM!!!!!!

 

Insert large crow pop here as the ref makes his way through the mess in the ring and begins to work on separating the bodies of Bo and Ash.

 

Stevens: Bo puts up a vailant fight at the end, but Ash Ketchum retains his SWF Hardcore Championship! What a match!

 

Down the ramp come the EMTs, stretchers and medkits at hand as they stand by for possible assistance. The crowd cheers as Ash is finally helped to his feet and given his title, but before any further comments, we fade out to commercial for King’s autobiography. Buy it now or else...

[Guest BA_Baracus]

***Deep into the backstage area of San Antonio's SBC Center, we go into the boiler room, where our intrepid cameraman searches ... and ends up finding former U.S. champ Tod deKindes. Not much is seen, but the image is discernable enough to tell that it's indeed to pseudo-german who appears in more of a somber, depressed mood. Once again sitting among the darkness, he doesn't speak.***

 

Stevens: (calling from ringside) There you see Tod deKindes, who lost the U.S. title last week, and we haven't heard from him since then!

 

Riley: He was RIPPED OFF, Stevens! Just when that man had gained a new confidence and hell, just when I started to LIKE him; this whole conspiracy against Tod deKindes surfaces and causes him to LOSE his U.S. title! And now his motivation is paying for it! I mean, look at him! That poor soul...

 

Stevens: Well, the fact that he was unceremoniously and DESERVINGLY kicked out of XF9 might do that to him!

 

Riley: Oh PLEASE, HE was the biggest star of the group! I say HE kicked everybody out and kept the name for himself!

 

Stevens: Well, nonetheless, Tod deKindes has lost EVERYTHING in a matter of weeks, Bobby! His title, his friends, his fans! You HAVE to wonder where he goes from here ...

 

Riley: I assure you, it won't be long until we hear from him again!

[Guest BA_Baracus]

"And that is why I really, really like cornbread and hate terrah."

 

George W. Bush's address on cornbread and terrorism fades out, and a deep voice announces, "And now back to SWF Storm, already in progress."

 

...

 

The camera cuts to a close-up shot of Mercury and Ced Ordonez in the ring in the SBC Arena in San Antonio. Ced staggers around like a baby learning how to walk, and as the camera pulls back, we see that Mercury has him close to the Magnificent Seven's corner. Tom Flesher is waiting restlessly in the corner, and Mercury dutifully whips him in. He taps referee Eddy Long on the shoulder and, as the official turns to face him, Flesher takes over.

 

"Well, Mark, can you believe we had to listen to that yokel babble about cornbread again?"

 

"You know, Bobby, he IS the President of these United States."

 

"Oh, I know. Whoever this Tara person is, we've got to stop her."

 

Pause.

 

"Bobby, do the jokes seem a little extra forced to you tonight?"

 

"Yeah. I think the writing team got stiffed, and not in the good, Flesher kind of way."

 

With Mercury distracting Eddy Long, Flesher wraps the tag rope around Ced's neck and chokes him. Mercury continues distracting the official, even as Thoth yells for him to turn around. Finally, Flesher releases Ced, who stumbles forward.

 

ZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZT

 

Static, and not Sacred's entrance, either.

 

The screen fills up with a CNN logo. In the background, James Earl Jones says, "THIS... is CNN."

 

Wolf Blitzer appears on the screen. "In yet another shocking development, British Prime Minister Tony Blair has announced that he, too, hates terrah, and he really, really likes steak-and-kidney pie. We'll follow this all through the night if we have to! Back to our regularly scheduled program."

 

ZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZT

 

With Mercury laid out on the mat, Ced crawls toward the corner. He inches closer... closer... Flesher enters the ring to try to catch him, but Ced lunges forward, and Thoth reaches out to make the tag! He rumbles into the ring, and Eddy Long claps his hands together, as if the signal mattered.

 

On the sidelines, Mercury pulls himself to his feet, and he turns around to grab Ced Ordonez. Meanwhile, Thoth nails Flesher over and over again with punches, and backs Tom into his own corner. Flesher falls to the mat, covering his face, and turns into the corner. As Thoth changes positions and starts to kick Tom, the Superior One begins frantically rooting through his warmup suit.

 

"What's he looking for?" asks Grand Slam.

 

"Probably Thoth's misplaced sense of justice," answers Riley. "Or maybe Mak Francis' dignity."

 

Eddy Long runs over and starts screaming at Mercury and Ced to return to their corners. Meanwhile, Flesher, still shielding himself from Thoth's blows and absorbing some on the back, finally finds what he wants...

 

"THE ICEPICK!" shouts Stevens.

 

"DURANDAL! MY HERO!"

 

"Flesher's busting out the icepick! He's trying to beat Thoth by thinking like a Clannie!"

 

"The Clan's dead, Grand Spam! He's just pissed that Thoth keeps calling him Durandal!"

 

Flesher stands up and swings the icepick at Thoth, who sees it coming a mile away. Thoth ducks, then pops back up with a roundhouse kick to the face. Flesher ducks the kick, then stabs at Thoth with the icepick. Eddy Long turns around just in time to see Thoth grab the implement of destruction and swing it by the blade at Flesher's face, catching him on the chin with blunt handle. Flesher sees Long turn around and, despite the absolute dangerlessness of the blow, crumbles to the mat like a little girl and grabs his jaw. "He 86ed!" shouts Stevens indignantly. "He dropped like Hasek faking a groin pull!" Eddy Long immediately calls for the bell.

 

 

DING DING DING!!!!!!!

 

 

"Your winners, by disqualification, the Magnificent Seven!"

 

Thoth turns around, dropping the icepick, and protests the finish to the referee. Long, as expected, refuses to change his decision... but with Thoth distracted, Flesher gets back to his feet, then bites down on his wrist tape. He taps Thoth on the shoulder, and as Thoth turns around....

 

"BLACK MIST! BLACK MIST!!!!!!!!"

 

Thoth staggers backwards, just in time for Flesher to shout, "YOU MADE ME? WELL THEN BEAT ME, YOU SON OF A BITCH!" before slamming Thoth with a stepping shotei. Thoth, blinded and sucker-punched, falls back onto Eddy Long as Flesher slides out of the ring, grabs his icepick and warmup, and heads toward the back with Mercury following behind. The camera zooms in on Flesher and

 

ZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZT

 

"THIS... is CNN."

 

"Ladies and gentlemen, I'm Bob Begala on the left."

 

"And I'm Tucker Carlson on the right, and this is CNN's Crossfire. Issue One: Tom Flesher as Durandal...."

 

FADE.

[Guest BA_Baracus]

SINGLES MATCH

Danny Williams vs. Xero

- Williams returns with a win!

 

SINGLES MATCH

Frost vs. CIA

- CIA gets the win in a Frost written match. More of you Americans should be putting Canadians over.

 

TRIPLE THREAT LIGHT-HEAVYWEIGHT TITLE MATCH

Annie Eclectic © vs. El Luchadore Magnifico vs. Mak Francis

- And your final LHW champ...El Luchadore Magnifico!

 

HARDCORE TITLE MATCH

Ash Ketchum © vs. Perfect Bo

- Nobody can beat the hardcore champ with a gimmick stolen from a children's TV show!

 

TAG TEAM TITLE MATCH

Thoth & Ced Ordonez © vs. Tom Flesher & Mercury

- Well...at least it wasn't a double no-show...barely.