SWF Smarkdown (Nov. 12/2002)

[Guest BA_Baracus]

[Loud music booms through the darkened arena.

 

Suddenly a series of 6 large yellowish pyros explode one after another from the left side of the stage to the right. As soon as they're done another bunch of orange-ish pyros burst across the stage from the right side back to the left as the Smarkdown logo appears on the SWF-tron.

 

After a few seconds the lights return, scan an excited audience then zoom in on the announcer's table...]

 

Mark Stevens - Once again I welcome you to SWF Smarkdown!

 

Bobby Riley - I have nothing extra to add to this, so I'll just sit here twiddling my thumbs thusly...

 

[Riley twiddles his thumbs.]

 

Stevens - Tell me again, how much do you get paid a year for this?

 

Riley - 80 thousand dollars.

 

Stevens - I'm think I'm going to be sick...but first let's get on with SWF Smarkdown!

[Guest BA_Baracus]

HARDCORE TITLE MATCH

Ash Ketchum © vs. Xero

- On Storm Xero lost to his former tag team partner Danny Williams, but will he fare better against his other former tag partner, Ash Ketchum?

Match Description – Regular DQ and count-out rules are not in effect. Submissions, pinfalls and knockouts count anywhere within the arena.

 

SINGLES MATCH

Annie Eclectic vs. Mak Francis

- Annie and Mak Francis fought tooth and nail over the LHW title on Storm, and in the end, El Luchadore Magnifico took Annie’s title by pinning Francis. Annie’s not too happy about this, and since she doesn’t seem to fitting in too well with the rest of M7 these days anyways, she’ll fight Francis on Smarkdown.

 

ICTV TITLE MATCH

Tom Flesher © vs. Thoth

- The rivalry between Thoth and the leader of the Magnificent 7 has been steadily building over the past few weeks, with both men costing each other matches. This Monday they’ll finally face each other, 1-on-1 for Flesher’s ICTV title!

[Guest BA_Baracus]

Zooming back into the RBC Arena in Raleigh, North Carolina!, we come upon fans, cheering as loud as possible. The fans, with their “Suicide King’s SWF Bible” (aka his autobiography) and their Official SWF “Guide to the SWF And The People Who Wrestle In It” Guides, are STOKED, all trying to get on TV, some with signs, reading:

 

“WE WANT STUBBY! GIVE US MORE STUBBY!”

 

“Don’t Worry, Bobby: Suicide King Is My Personal Jesus, Too!” (complete with a picture of Jesus walking on water, except King’s head is glued over that of Jesus)

 

and

 

“Ketchum is Hardcore!”

 

And after we see some of those signs, we switch to the announcers table, where we are greeted with a big, happy-

 

 

 

 

 

 

Riley(going nuts): I'm a kiss stealin', wheelin' dealin', limousine ridin', jet flyin', son of a gun. WOOOOOO!!!

 

Bobby’s channelling the Nature Boy Stevens watches on, freaked out as hell.

 

Stevens: God, he’s doing it again...

 

Riley: YES, WOOOOOO!!!! WE’RE HERE IN MY HOME STATE OF NORTH CAROLINA, RALIEGH TO BE EXACT, AND JOINED BY “GRAND SLAM” MARK STEVENS, I AM THE NATURE BOY, BOBBY RILEY, AND WE GOT OURSELVES A SLOBBERKNOCKER UP NEXT!

 

Stevens: It’s Xero versus Ash Ketchum in a Hardcore Title Match!

 

Riley: Wooooooo! Indeed! Last time these two fought, well, I forget, but Xero’s gonna kick his ass tonight.

 

Stevens: Bobby, we’re not in Charlotte-

 

Riley: Who cares! Close enough! WOOO!

 

Stevens: But back to that last encounter: wasn’t it a match for the Hardcore Title, oh, about two or three months ago? Ash beat Xero, didn’t he?

 

Riley: Maybe. I don’t keep track of this shit. Go find someone who does. Wooo!

 

Stevens: Well, who does?

 

Riley: Your mom. Wooo!

 

The crowd goes silent at this last comment as Riley laughs hysterically. Mark is not quite enthusiastic about this little joke.

 

Stevens: What was that for, Bobby?

 

Riley: Don’t you know? Everyone loves a good “Your Mom” joke! Am I right? AM I RIGHT??? WOOOOOOO!

 

The crowd begins to boo Riley, who whips his head around and sees the booing audience, screaming in reply:

 

Riley: YOU WOULDN’T KNOW HIGH-CLASS COMEDY IF IT CAME UP BEHIND YOU AND STUCK IT’S FOOT UP YOUR ASSES!

 

Stevens: Maybe so, but regardless, it looks like it’s time for this match to get underway, so let’s send it off to Funyon...

 

The arena lights are off, as "Trust" by Megadeth starts to play. The drum beat gets louder every second. Red and white strobe lights flash in the arena. About 30 seconds of drums the guitars come in. Fire emerges from the stage as Xero comes out. Xero flexes his muscles with the fire still blazing high, kendo stick in one hand.

 

Funyon: The following hardcore match is scheduled for one-fall, and it is for the SWF HARDCORE CHAMPIONSHIP!!! Introducing first, from Port Colborne... Ontario, Canada, weighing in at 210 pounds... XEROOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!

 

Xero comes walking down wearing his ring attire along with a matching vest, and a see-through shirt underneath. He slides in the ring and goes to the turnbuckles raising both his arms up in the air, placing the kendo stick down for one second.

 

Riley: Woooo! What a man! What a competitor indeed!

 

Stevens: Bobby... you’re getting annoying...

 

Suddenly, the lights cut out, a kickin’ piano piece blastin’ over the speakers. The crowd begins to cheer a little, pyro similar to Christian’s entrance flowing from the top of the SmarkTron and spewing from vents in front of the entrance. The crowd rises to its feet, roaring with cheers.

 

Riley: The Nature Boy, Bobby Riley, hates this guy...

 

At the same time, a Poke Ball upon the SmarkTron. It begins to spin as the crowd pops, spinning faster and faster and faster until it stops, blocked out by a picture of a certain wrestler’s head, winking at everyone in the arena. A huge pyro blast suddenly kicks up from the front of the stage as Billy Crawford’s “Pokemon Theme” blasts through the speakers. The pyro in front of the entrance then stops, and a spotlight shines down on Ash Ketchum. Ketchum walks out of the smoke, light reflectiong off the Hardcore Title around his waist, smiling happily as the crowd pops. Ash waves into the ring at Xero, who keeps an confident expression as Ketchum makes his way down to the ring, slapping hands with some of the crazed fans. Also, noticeably, Ash Ketchum carries a sports bag over his other shoulder, which seems quite full.

 

Funyon: And his opponent, from Pallet Town, weighing in at 258 pounds, he is a member of X FORCE NINE AND THE SWF HARDCORE CHAMPION... ASH KET-CHUMMMMMMMMMMMMM!

 

He climbs up onto the apron, slinging his title into the ring, then climbs in himself, placing the bag on the apron. Ash then climbs the turnbuckle closest to the crowd and with lightning precision, removes his shirt. Whirling it wildly over his head, he smiles as he releases the shirt, flinging several rows back into the hands of some lucky fan. The young child smiles as Ash dismounts the turnbuckle, turning to face Xero, the man Ash went after the Tag Titles with.

 

Stevens: This one’s gonna be close, but I say Ash KEtchum pulls out another amazing win!

 

Riley: I think it’s gonna be Xero with the win... WOOOOOO!!!

 

Stevens: Now will you cut that out?

 

The two men move toward each other, referee in the middle. Xero and Ash stare each other down as the referee explains the rules of the match to the two men once more. Once finished he backs off as the two men slowly back up to prevent the other from jumping them. And then, we hear...

 

“DING DING DING!” The two men begin to circle each other in the ring like sharks going for the kill, the crowd alive early on:

 

Crowd: KET-CHUM! KET-CHUM!

 

Stevens: The fans heavily favoring Ash right from the get-go here, and it looks like we’re underway!

 

The two men close back in on each other and quicky hook up, tussling in a grapple hold, a test of strength. It seems like Ash should win, but Xero does, sliding Ash into a front headlock. He tightens the noose around Ash’s neck, Ketchum placing his hands on Xero’s arm and trying to push his head out of the hold. Xero smiles as Ash struggles, here and there throwing in a punch to Ash’s head to keep him from escaping. Ash continues to push, and eventually, he breaks out, heading back towards the ropes. Ash rebounds and strikes first, nailing Xero with a forearm smash! Xero hits the mat and hops to his feet, ducking an attempted grab by Ash. The little guy zips around, running back to the ropes as the bigger, slower Ash turns around. Xero bounces off them, sprinting back at Ash. Ash has no reaction time as the lightning-quick Xero leaps into the air, flying at Ash. His body slams sideways into Ash’s chest, knocking him backwards with a quick flying cross body and pinning him to the mat!

 

One-Major kick out by Ash! Ash pushes Xero off his body and sends the little man flying up into the air! Xero lands hard on his back, but both men hop up onto their feet. As he gets up, Xero runs back for the ropes as Ash straightens himself out, bounching off them and slingshotting back at Ash.

 

Riley: Look at him go! He’s like Rey Mysterio, Jr! What a cross body! Wooooo! What a hit!

 

Stevens: I’ll say!

 

Ketchum quickly turns his attention towards Xero, but before he can do much of anything, Xero leaps into the air, extending his arm out and smashing Ash into the mat with a flying clothesline! Ash falls hard to the mat as Xero lands upon his chest. No damage done there. Both men get up, but Xero takes advantage of the startled Ash. Grabbing hold of the waistband of Ash’s pants, Xero runs for the ropes, clutching a bent-over Ash as he throws him through the second and top ropes to the outside! “THUD!” Ash lands hard on the padding after doing a few not-so-acrobatic twists through the air, grabbing his back and screaming in pain. Xero backs up and just waits for a second, for Ash to collect himself , and when Ash slowly gets almost up onto his feet, he runs at Ash, handspringing over the top rope as he flies at Ash, twisting his body into the air. He comes crashing down on Ash, right into a corkscrew twist as he finishes off the Suicidal Plancha!

 

Stevens: WHAT A MOVE! BOTH MEN DOWN! XERO’S COMING AFTER ASH HARD!

 

Riley: You know what they say: "To be the man, wooo!, you gotta beat the man!"

 

Stevens: For once, you make sense tonight...

 

The two men collapse to the ground and are not quick to get back up after the huge move. The crowd begins to cheer, even for the heelish Xero because of the move’s awesomeness, and maybe the cheers help the two men motivate themselves to get up. Ash seems to be grabbing his chest as he slowly rises onto his feet, while Xero seems unscathed. The little guy is up on his feet, slow but faster than the staggering Ash. He draws his arm back, hand flat as he swings it forward. “SLAP!” A chop falls upon the chest of Ash, sending him staggering back up the ramp with a “Wooooo!” from the crowd and Bobby Riley. Xero draws his arm back again. “SLAP!” “Wooooo!” Antoher chop to Ash, and he staggers further and further up the ramp.

 

Stevens: Looks like, yes, another chop from Xero! Listen to that slap!

 

Crowd: WOOOOO!

 

Riley: WOOOOOOOOO!!!

 

Stevens. Stop that.

 

Crowd: WOOOOO!

 

Riley: WOOOOOOOOO!!!

 

Stevens: And one more chop for good measure from Xero!

 

Crowd: WOOOOO!

 

Riley: WOOOOOO!!!

 

Stevens: ENOUGH.

 

Xero grasps Ash’s arm, attempting to whip him through the curtain and backstage, but Ash counters, sending Xero flying back towards the ring. A very uncharacteristic-like Ash Ketchum move, as the backstage brawler probably has some idea, especially with that black sports bag. As Xero flies down the ramp, he stops before reaching the apron, beding over to take a breather, but as he does, Ketchum charges from behind, grabbing Xero and slamming him into the apron chest-first! Xero cries out in pain from the blow before Ash rolls him into the ring. He throws up the apron, pulling out a table, ladder, and steel chair, which he places in the ring, and then slides in himself.

 

Stevens: Ash Ketchum seems to have an offensive mindset, huh, Bobby?

 

As Stevens turns to face Riley, he sees that Bobby currently has his chair in a figure four leg lock!

 

Riley: Now we're goin to school!

 

Stevens: BOBBY!!!!!

 

Bobby snaps out of it, returning himself and his chair to normal.

 

Riley: Er... um... oops... sorry... woooooo...

 

As Ketchum gets to his feet, he moves towards his “bag of tricks”, and unzipping it, pulls out the first weapon from the bag: a no-parking sign. Xero gets to his feet, but that turns out to be a bad idea, as when Xero gets up, Ash charges at him, swinging the sign into Xero’s face with a “CLANK!” that knocks Xero backwards onto his back and imprints the sign wit Xero’s face!

 

Stevens: Looks like this may be a new idea that Ash Ketchum is trying out tonight...

 

Riley: Ash Ketchum is the dirtiest player in the game! WOO!

 

Ash discards the damaged sign and retreats back to his bag. Reaching inside as Xero gets to his feet, grabbing his head, he pulls out his next implement of destruction... a water balloon?

 

Stevens: How did he-

 

Riley: Don’t ask.

 

Ash also manages to pull something else out of the bag, but we can’t see it. As Xero turns towards Ash, he seems a bit angered. Getting to his feet, he charges at Ash, but Ketchum turns around, launching the water balloon into Xero’s face. “SPLASH!” The water balloon explodes over Xero’s face, temporarily dazing him. In that time, Ash Ketchum gets behind Xero, grabbing both of Xero’s arms and handcuffing them together with a pair of dollar store handcuffs he pulled from his bag! With Xero cuffed, Ash retreats back to the chair as the cuffed Xero gets up. He grabs the chair, and quickly, turns around, lining himself up with Xero, who staggers towards Ash. Ketchum lifts the chair over his head and swings it down, and with a “CLANK!”, Xero collapses to the mat on his back. Ketchum drops the chair and quickly covers him for the pin!

 

One!

 

 

Two!

 

 

TH-NO! XERO KICKS OUT!

 

Stevens: Ash Ketchum nearly had Xero there! It’s been a great match so far!

 

Riley: I’M SO THRILLED ABOUT THIS THAT I'M GONNA WALK THAT AISLE AND STYLE AND PROFILE! WOOOO!

 

With that, Bobby Riley jumps up on the announcers table and begins to do the Ric Flair strut up and down it, “Woooo!”ing all the time. Riley gets so into it, he even elbow drops the table, which doesnt break. Mark finally manages to grab Riley, forcing him in his seat and taping his arms down with some electrical tape that was left under the table.

 

Stevens: That’s for your own good...

 

Riley: Diamonds are forever and so is Bobby Riley! WOO!

 

Stevens: Bobby Riley... what to do with you... *sigh*

 

In the ring, Ash Ketchum can’t believe it as he gets up. Xero rolls over, the plastic handcuffs broken from the fall he took.

 

Stevens: Now Bobby, can I get your honest opinon on the match so far-

 

Once more, Stevens turns to find Bobby broken out of the tape and putting something in a Figure 4: a fan’s sign.

 

Stevens: BOBBY!!!!

 

Riley returns to his seat once more after breaking the hold.

 

Riley: Sorry... Wooooo!!! Hehehe...

 

As Xero and Ash get to their feet, Ash Ketchum grabs the ladder and throws it at Xero. Xero staggers back a few feet as he catches the ladder, but then, as he moves forward toward Ash again, Ketchum leaps into the air, extending both legs and planting them in the ladder and Xero’s chest with a quick missile dropkick called the Rocket Launch! Both men fall down, but only Ash gets up as the ladder falls on Xero with a “CLANK!”. Xero remains down as Ash quickly recovers, getting to his feet and running to the ropes. He bounces off them, doing a front somersault at the side of Xero. Rolling onto his feet next to Xero, he springs into the air, coiling and uncoiling his arms into a rolling five-star frog splash onto the ladder, his chest slamming into the ladder and Xero’s chest! Xero cries out in pain from the move as Ash bounces off Xero, the ladder clanking as a result of the move.

 

Riley: ROLLING FIVE STAR FROM ASH KETCHUM! WOOOO!!!

 

As Stevens turns to look at Bobby, he sees he’s not there.

 

Funyon: AAAAHHHH!!!!

 

Following the cry, Stevens turns around to see Funyon trying to be placed in a Figure 4 by “Nature Boy” Bobby Riley, who is wooooing like crazy right now. Stevens eventually grabs Riley and puts him in his seat forcefully.

 

Stevens: STOP THAT!

 

Meanwhile, as Ash recovers, he slowly crawls towards Xero and eventually on top of him, hooking his leg for a pinning attempt!

 

One…

 

Two…

 

T-Xero kicks out! Ash can’t believe it, but none the less, he gets up onto his feet slowly, moving towards another hardcore implement: the table. He grabs it, setting it up in the corner diagonal of the body of Xero before he makes his way back towards Xero.

 

Stevens: Close, but no cigar for Ash Ketchum!

 

He grabs Xero by the arm, pulling him to his feet, and soon after that, whipping him towards the table! Xero counters, though, sending Ash flying towards the table! Ketchum slows down before he flies through the table, but as he turns around, he is tackled by a running Xero and slammed through the table with a spear! “CRACK!” The table splinters in two and the crowd “Ooooooooo!”s as both men are driven through it with great force!

 

Stevens: HOLY SHIT!! WHAT A MOVE!!! WHAT A MATCH, HUH, BOBBY -(Stevens turns to see that Bobby Riley has dissapeared)-Bobby?

 

Cut to a wider shot, showing Bobby Riley doing a figure four around the ringpost... on the ringpost itself!

 

Riley: WOOO!! I'm the dirtiest player in the game! Aren’t I, Mark, wooooo, Stevens!

 

Stevens: BOBBY! GET DOWN FROM THERE!

 

When Bobby doesn’t respond and just keeps “Woooo!”ing, Stevens decides to act with force. He jumps from his chair and runs towards Bobby, literally ripping him off of the ringpost.

 

And oh yeah, in the ring, Xero pins Ash Ketchum, maybe for the title!

 

One!

 

Two!

 

TH-NO! SOMEHOW, KETCHUM KICKS OUT! Xero can’t beleive it as he slams both fists into the mat, but forgets he has one weapon left. And as he realizes he does, he scrambles, crawling across the ring towards it. Meanwhile, outside the ring...

 

Stevens: WHAT THE HELL’S WRONG WITH YOU?!?!

 

Stevens scolds Riley as he lies on the ground.

 

Riley: I’m sorry... I just got carried away... plus all that coffee... like the one time I read King’s book and thought I was Jesus Christ-errr-Suicide King.

 

Stevens: Well, come on then, let’s go back to the table.

 

Riley: Can I put you in the Figure Four first?

 

Stevens: NO.

 

Riley: Ok... WOO-

 

Mark grabs Riley, dragging him back to the table and taping his mouth shut for good measure, as in the ring, Xero reaches the corner, clutching his kendo stick. He gets to his feet as Ash Ketchum uses the ropes to pull himself up. Once there, Xero turns around, hands trembling, lets out a cry, and charges at Ash, swinging it down at the dazed Ash, and-“CRACK!”-slams it into Ash’s head, busting him open a little as he drops to the mat! As Ash hits the mat, Xero drops down, covering him for what could be the deciding pin!

 

Stevens: COVER! IT’S OVER!

 

One!

 

Two!

 

THRE-NO! SOMEHOW, KETCHUM KICKS OUT! Xero is pissed that that didn’t get Ash down for the three-count, and determined to end it, he grabs Ash Ketchum as he gets onto his feet, pulling him up.

 

Stevens: THIS MATCH JUST KEEPS ON GOING! AMAZING!

 

Riley(muffled): Mfhh?

 

As Xero pulls Ash to his feet, he grabs his head and attempts to nail him with a punch, but a she swings, Ash ducks, getting behind Xero. Quickly, he grabs him by the sides of his chest and lifts him high into the air, ready to slam him down with reverse Sky High Powerbomb, called the Sake Bomb! Xero panics, but in a desperation move, he jumps into the air and thrusts his legs out. Luckily, they smash Ash in the face, hitting him with a dropkick! Xero continues to flip forward as Ash releases him, eventually, landing softly on his back and rolling up onto his feet as Ash falls back from the blow!

 

Stevens: WHAT A COUNTER! ASH COULD’VE ENDED IT THERE, BUT XERO COUNTERS!!!

 

Both men quickly rise to their feet, but Xero quickly jumps in the air, catching Ash’s neck with his legs, and flipping forward, slams Ash down with a hurracanrana! Xero reaches back and grabs Ash’s legs and pinning him to the mat!

 

One!

 

Two!

 

 

 

THREE-NO! SOMEHOW, KETCHUM KICKS OUT! Xero can’t beleive it as he slams both fists into the mat, but he knows he’s got Ash almost beat. One more move should do it.

 

Riley: SO CLOSE!

 

Stevens: He almost had him! But now, Xero’s getting up! What’s he gonna do here?

 

As Ash Ketchum recovers from the move, Xero moves back towards the kendo stick, clutching it with both hands. He turns around, hands trembling, lets out a cry, and charges at Ash, swinging it down at the dazed Ash, and...

 

 

 

 

 

“CRACK!”

 

 

 

...Slams it into the mat, splintering the stick in two! Ash, ducks the blow as Xero overcompensates his shot at Ash! Xero is confused as he spins around to face Ash. Ash turns around just as Xero does, and Ash Ketchum promptly kicks him in the gut and hooks his arms as Xero bends over. Quickly, he lifts Xero up and falls back, executing an inverted double arm DDT called the Aftershock! Xero’s head slams ito the mat hard, but as Xero hits the mat, the impact of the move bounces him over onto his back. Instead of having to use the Sake Bomb as a set-up, the Aftershock has set Ash up for a final move. But what to use?

 

Stevens: God damn, he’s got Xero down! But what move will he use? Will he go for a Poke Ball, Go, a Snorlax Splash, or something else?

 

Riley(muffled through the tape): WOOOOOOO!!!!

 

Ash grabs a chair, holding it across his chest so the chair's legs point towards his feet, seat facing outward, hands on the sides of the chair. Ketchum then climbs to the top rope slowly, rope by rope. Reaching the top, he looks out into the audience, blood dripping from a small cut across part of his forehead. But then, maybe after a second's pause, Ash leaps into the air, flipping backwards onto his opponent into a moonsault! He slams the chair into Xero’s chest, and with a “CLANK!”/“THUD!” hybrid sound, Ketchum nails an impressive chairsault!

 

Stevens: CHAIRSAULT! CHAIRSAULT FROM KETCHUM!

 

Riley(muffled through the tape): WOOOOOOO!!!!

 

As Ash comes to a rest, he drops on top of Xero and covers him for the count!

 

Stevens: COVER!

 

Riley(muffled through the tape): WOOOOOOO!!!!

 

ONE!!!

 

 

 

 

 

 

TWO!!!

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

THREE!!!

 

 

 

“DING DING DING!”

 

Ash and Xero remain down as the ref reaches out for the title, grasping it while Funyon makes the announcement:

 

Funyon: Your winner and STILL SWF HARDCORE CHAMPION... ASH KETCHUM!!!!!!

 

The crowd goes nuts as Stevens jumps from his chair in excitement.

 

Stevens: HE’S DONE IT AGAIN! TWO IN A ROW FOR ASH KETCHUM!!!! THE HARDCORE CHAMP SURVIVES ANOTHER UNBELIEVEABLE MATCH!!!!

 

In his excitement, Stevens somehow rips the tape off of Bobby’s mouth, producing a horrifying scream.

 

Riley: AAAAAAAAAAHHHHHH!!!! MY LIPS! AAAAAAAHHHHHH!!! THE PAIN!!!!! THE PAIN!!!!!!!!!

 

As Ketchum is given the title and he hoists it into the air by himself, Xero is blocked out of the picture for the most part, though we can see him get up. He slowly begins to get to his feet, clutching his ribs and coughing, but for the most part, he seems to be OK. As Ash celebrates, he turns around and notices Xero, calling out to him:

 

Ash: Hey!

 

The crowd pops as Xero’s head turns around and up, and his eyes focus on Ash. He moves towards the Hardcore Champ, confused as to what he wants.

 

Stevens: What’s this?

 

Riley: Maybe Ash is gonna show Xero how to be a kiss stealin', wheelin' dealin', limousine ridin', jet flyin', son of a gun! Wo-

 

Stevens: Don’t even...

 

Xero looks at Ash, Ash looks back at Xero, the ref looks confused as all hell. Then, with lighting precision, a hand flies up, outstretched... and remains there. Ash’s arm is outstretched as Xero, unsure of what to do, moves his hand towards Ash’s like a little kid’s hand moves towards a sleeping dog. The hands clasp, a mutual handshake is given, and the crowd takes lots of pictures of it.

 

Stevens: What a show of respect from Ash Ketchum!

 

As Mark finishes up, Bobby turns towards Ash and flips him off.

 

Riley(going crazy again): Respect this, you Poke Bitch! WOOOOOO!!!

 

Bobby once again tries to jump on the table and strut, but Stevens holds him down, yelling:

 

Stevens: That’s it! Bobby, your mouth’s about to be super-glued shut!

 

Flashbulbs flash everywhere as Ash hoists Xero’s arm into the air, but before further commenting, we fly off towards commercial.

[Guest BA_Baracus]

“Welcome back to Smarkdown…live from Raleigh, North Carolina,” Mark Stevens says as he brings everyone back from commercial break. “…as we get set for a great match up between Annie Eclectic and ‘The Franchise’ Mak Francis.”

 

“Well, this should be a good contest,” responds Bobbi Riley. “…as there may be some animosity there considering that Francis is the sole reason that Annie wasn’t the last ever light-heavyweight champion.”

 

“You’re probably right there, let’s take you back to Stor…”

 

Before Mark can cue the highlight reel, the entire arena goes black, similar to Storm and complete with the sinister heartbeat. “What the…” Mark spouts instinctively, followed by “Not this crap again…” from Riley. Same as before, the lights begin to flash a fiery, orange-red, and then a deep, cold as death, voice speaks…

 

"Beware."

 

"The end is near."

 

"For HE returns."

 

 

…and all was normal.

 

“Would someone please find out who’s doing that,” pleads Riley. “Someone go out to the production truck and ask them who’s giving them this or who’s doing this.”

 

“Yeah, seriously,” agrees Mark Stevens. “But, in all honesty, I’m starting to get intrigued”

 

The silence that had befallen the crowd breaks as they prepare for more mind-numbing action, but the announce team has not forgotten so quickly, as they continue to discuss the second random vignette for the second consecutive night right into the commercial break.

[Guest BA_Baracus]

Fade into "Grand Slam" Mark Stevens and Bobby Riley sitting at the announcer's table, ready to call the next match...

 

Stevens: Whoa... we're on? Uh, alright, we're back on SmarkDown here at the RBA...

 

Riley: RBC

 

Stevens: Thanks, RBC Arena in Raleigh, and sorry, but we weren't ready to go on but apparently there have been some rule changes in the next match, which was -scheduled- to be Mak Francis vs. Annie Eclectic... let's see what happened backstage earlier tonight...

 

**************************************

 

-earlier tonight-

 

Ben Hardy is standing between both Eclectic and Francis, microphone in hand as both wrestlers eye each other...

 

Annie: Mak, look, right now there's an upheaval... dissent in the group.... so instead of duking it out, fighting and making things look worse, why don't we settle this with a battle of skills.

 

Mak: Battle of Skill? HAH! I am the FRANCHISE. I'm the best at any and every thing possible. Name your challenge.

 

Annie: *smirking* Fine. Meet me in the ring and get a partner. You'll need one.

 

Mak: Partner? I can beat you singlehandedly.

 

Annie: Alllllllright then... I warned you...

 

fade

 

*************************************

 

 

Stevens: And we've just gotten word that the battle tonight will be one of.... oh you're joking.

 

Riley: What? What is it?

 

Stevens: ...Mosh Mosh Revolution.

 

Riley: WHAT???

 

Funyon rises to his feet as Mak Francis makes his way to the ring, knee and elbow pads covering his joints. He fastens then re-fastens his helmet and struts to the ring with "Down With The Sickness" playing in the background. He rolls into the ring as lights illuminate it... casting attention to the giant harnessed arcade machine towering high above The Franchise.

 

Funyon: This is a Mosh Mosh Revolution Tag Challenge, set for one... fall? Introducing first, from Philadelphia, Pennsylvania.... "The Franchise" ..Mak.... FRANCIS!!!

 

Stevens: I have that weird feeling in my belly...

 

Riley: Yeah.... me too. Do me a favor, if we both see Bear driving ANYTHING... we kill him, got it?

 

Stevens: Agreed.

 

"It's All About The Pentiums" BLASTS out of the PA system inside the arena. Out walks an... odd sight... an Asian woman walking to the ring, electronical bits and pieces attached to her body everywhere. A spy eyepiece is permanently attached to her head, covering her right eye. Behind her a HUGE man broods, wearing a suit that looks about ready to self destruct rather than try to contain the flesh it holds. He has half-moon spectacles on the bridge of his nose and carries a thick encyclopaedia with him. Both walk with purpose to the ring...

 

Funyon: And his opponenets... first... hailing from the ARPAnet... weighing in at 3,098,451,783,432,189,934,023,118,042 microns, the Mistress of Code... the GNU Guardian... the Linux Goddess herself.... OPEN SOURCE! And her partner, from the Boston Library in Boston, Massachusetts, weighing in at three hundred fifteen pounds, he is.... THE BOSTOOOOOOOOOON LIBRAAARIAAAAN!!!! Together they are: The Information Superhighway!!!

 

Stevens: Oh god.

 

Riley: You know, I could spear my eyeballs with this spork, but the sight will never leave my mind.

 

Information Superhighway enter the ring and smirk at their opponent, who himself is crying from laughter. Open Source calls for a microphone

 

OS: Mak. Where. Is. Your. Partner.

 

Mak just goggles at the two before him, watching in confusion as The Boston Librarian takes the microphone.

 

Librarian: Sir, this challenge requires a team effort. By the rules you cannot do this alone. Do you have a partner, sir?

 

Mak dumbly shakes his head 'no'.

 

Librarian: We were afraid you might neglect this aspect of the challenge. Therefore we have found a suitable partner to help you in this small challenge of skills. My erstwhile partner assembled him only an hour ago.

 

Stevens: I don't know what to say.

 

Riley: ...

 

The crowd sits on the edge of their seats waiting for the identity of Mak's partner to be revealed. Librarian puts the microphone in front of OS's mouth...

 

OS: Android. Thoth.

 

The sellout crowd at Raliegh screams a combined "ZUH?!?!?"

 

Riley: Android Thoth?

 

Suddenly a ton of metal drops unceremoniously into the ring. The compact metal forms gets up in a jerky movement, trying to brush off dust that wouldn't affect his painted form. Mak stares at his 'partner' ... an eight foot tall metal version of Thoth.

 

 

Stevens: ...It's an Android Thoth.

 

Riley: Yes... yes it is.

 

In a FLASH~! Everyone is told the rules of the game and are strapped into the harnesses inside the 4 foot by 4 foot square sensor mat.

 

Funyon: Rules state that choice of songs are ladies choice. Open Source decides the three songs to be played, the team with the most points, or the team that knocks out one of their opponents wins!

 

Riley: Mark, how does this work?

 

Stevens: Well... from what I understand, it's a concert sim. Stuff will be thrown at them, and they have to mosh and attack the parts of the body that the screen inside the ring specify, to the beat of the song.

 

Riley: Okay, here's a question... how do you knock out an Android?

 

Stevens: ...does any of this make sense?

 

GAME: MOSH MOSH REVOLUUUUUUTIOOOOOON!!! SONG CHOICE?

 

OS: I. Get. Wet. Andrew. W. K.

 

GAME: I GET WET! ON YOUR MARKS!

 

 

all four participants get into a 'ready' position, except for Android Thoth who stands perfectly still and blinks his LED eye-lights.

 

 

GAME: GET SET!

 

...nobody moves....

 

GAME: GOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!

 

 

Electric Trumpets blare from the game's speakers, all four stare at the screen waiting for the song ot begin and to recieve the first attack.... At once guitars blare into life, drums, and the rest of the band play as the body sillouhette appears....

 

 

GAME: YOU -arm- WATCH -leg- WHAT -head- I SAY -head-

 

All at once, Open Source superkicks Android Thoth, only to hit his chest and break her big toe. Librarian punches the Franchise in the arm (10 points), as Mak kicks his leg (20 points). Android Thoth swings his fist around to hit Open Source in the head (30 points), which he connects, sending her flying across the ring. She gets up slowly, then jogs over halfway through the next line....

 

 

GAME: WATCH WHAT -head- I DO

 

Librarian and Source switch, with OS kicking the Franchise in the head (20 points) and Librarian taking a right hand swing at Android Thoth, catching his chin but causing severe pain at the same time (10 points).

 

Riley: ...

 

Stevens: You said it.

 

GAME: BECAUSE I -chin- REALLY DON'T CARE -leg- I REALLY DON'T CARE -head- YOU'RE NEVER GOING TO GO NOWHERE.... I GET WET!

 

 

Everyone is about to attack each other for more points when suddenly twelve thousand gallons of water drop from seemingly nowhere on top of the ring, dousing each fighter in cold, wet, H2O. Everyone survives.... except Android Thoth who is now smoking and twitching madly. The Game itself short circuits and weapons begin flying out madly at everyone. Rubber chickens land in the hands of Open Source and The Boston Librarian. Frustrated at the stupidity of the challenge's ending, Information Superhighway start beating the smoking husk of the game with the rubber chickens. A nozzle comes out of a different side of the game, spraying Mak Francis with Marshmallow Fluff at fire-hose strength. The Franchise is caked in sweet white fluff and is having a hard time removing himself from it.

 

Riley: Now THAT'S entertainment!

 

Stevens: How is watching Mak Francis get sprayed with white marshmallow entertain... oh dear god.

 

Riley: mmmmm, Fluff!

 

Stevens: Riley, you're really making me sick.

 

Riley: Well you'd still be better off than Android Thoth, look at him!

 

Android Thoth begins walking in circles backwards as his head rotates around his body.

 

Android Thoth: Two and one half scissors please! Yes I'll take the llama and green bean combo madam, just be sure to add the extra Elvis Costello I ordered. No, straws won't be necessary, I'm just wanting to WIN SELF DETERMINATION FOR THE SOUTH MULDAVIANS~! Damn you Scarlet -I- wanted the pink tutu and matching wilderbeast!

 

More twitching and violent shaking from thd robotic SWFer happen until he explodes in a shower of shards and sparks, leaving nothing but two robotic legs, now attempting to do the moonwalk, except both legs are doing the move at the same time. Fingers and sections of the arms land in the audience, killing two, injuring thirty, and turning on one really strange person. Android Thoth's head lands face down in Riley's lap, causing Stevens to projectile vomit onto the table.

 

Riley: Mmmmm...

 

Stevens: ***RRRRRAAAAALLLLLLLPPPHHHHH*****

 

DING DING DING

 

Funyon: Android Thoth has been destroyed, leaving Mak Francis partnerless. Therefore your winners, Open source... The Boston Librarian.... INFORMATION SUPERHIGHWAY!!!

 

"All About The Pentiums" plays as Open Source and the Librarian celebrate as their friends The Polka Kid, Remo Thunders, Bastion, Alex Tsirinov, Sakhmet, and Shades McGee run into the ring, hoisting both upon their shoulders and marching out in a victory parade, replete with fireworks, pyro, and the University of Nevada - Las Vegas marching band leading the way out. People cry, except for that android snuff fetishist who's doing some really nasty shit with a metal forearm in the corner of the arena.

 

Stevens: What a touching ending to an otherwise COMPLETELY FUCKING STUPID MATCH.

 

Riley: Mmmmmm...

 

Stevens: RILEY! GODDAMMIT STOP THAT!

 

Riley: You've got a wife, I've got head.

 

Stevens: You know, Thoth will kill you for this.

 

Riley: Don't you mean Gherrit White?

 

Stevens: No, Thoth.

 

Riley: You have to ruin all my fun don't you?

 

Riley throws the head into the audience, landing near the robot snuff fetishist who runs away with it in the night, metal protruding out of his rear end.

 

Stevens: Well, Francis is going to get de-fluffed, I'm going to get some fluids in me, and Riley's going to... FUCK, PUT IT AWAY BOBBY!!! PUT IT AWAY!!!

 

Riley: *sigh* Ruin all my fun.

 

Stevens: Up next: A real match. Annie wins, Mak loses, and we all just lost some of our innocence.

 

Riley: Or in my case, my virginity!

 

Stevens: SHUT UP! SHUT UP! SHUT UP!

[Guest BA_Baracus]

The RBC Arena in Raleigh, North Carolina, is filled to capacity, as the Smarks Wrestling Federation has stolen most of the week's house show attendance away from the WWE. Smarkdown's announcers, Bobby Riley and "Grand Slam" Mark Stevens continue to call all the action as the program returns from commercial break, beginning its second hour.

 

"Welcome back to Smarkdown!" exclaims Stevens. "We've got two more big matches coming your way! Tonight the SWF World Heavyweight Champion, El Luchadore Magnifico, will be in the ring for tag team action!"

 

"But first," Riley adds, "we've got the Intercontinental Television title on the line as Tom Flesher faces off with Thoth!"

 

"We'll see how the Mag-Seven leader holds up against the Balancer himself! Will we have a new ICTV champion?" wonders Stevens. "That match is coming up next!"

 

In the ring, the SWF's established ring announcer, Funyon, grabs a microphone and begins to announce the next match. "The following contest is scheduled for ONE fall, and it is for the SWF Intercontinental Television Championship! Introducing first..."

 

The haunting sound of a cathedral-like bell tolling interrupts Funyon's sentence. Funyon stops and glances up at the stage in surprise. The bell tolls again, and a vaguely familiar orchestral piece plays softly on the Smarktron.

 

"What the hell is this?" Riley asks.

 

"Well, I certainly don't recognize the music," Stevens replies. "It doesn't appear to be one of the two competitors for this match."

 

The bell tolls a third time, and the lights slowly dim into darkness. The music fades away, and all is quiet for a brief moment.

 

BOOM! All hell breaks loose as pyrotechnic explosions rocket from either side of the stage. The lights come back on, and the music suddenly changes tempo to the hard rock beat of "Halo" by Soil.

 

And a figure is standing on stage that wasn't there before. He looks physically imposing, standing at nearly seven feet tall and weighing close to three hundred pounds. He is clad all in black, from his massive thick leather boots, to his black wrestling tights marked with blood red Chinese characters, to a plain black T-shirt, and completing the ensemble, a black velvet hooded cloak covering the top of his head and the back of his neck. He has dark skin and dark brown eyes, but the rest of his face is a mystery--his nose and mouth are covered by a sleek metal faceplate. The large wrestler walks confidently to the ring in large strides as the announcers stare in utter shock.

 

"Who the hell is that?!" Riley demands.

 

"I guess we're about to find out!" Stevens offers, as the figure climbs into the ring and approaches Funyon. Funyon starts to back away, but the figure lays Funyon out with one well-placed gut punch.

 

"My god!" hollers Stevens. "That isn't right--that man just punched the ring announcer!"

 

The mysterious stranger bends over and snatches the microphone out of the fallen Funyon's hand, and addresses the loudly jeering audience as he begins speaking. "I don't give a damn what you people think! I'm not here for you!" He glares down at the ring announcer, never averting his eyes as he continues to talk. "You may be wondering who I am. I am known as Sigil... the Revolution. The Voice. The Endbringer!"

 

Sigil's eyes betray his hidden smile as he continues, facing the audience once again. "Call me what you wish. It matters not. Words are unimportant... only actions matter. You've all seen what I can do, what I have done to Ben Hardy, to young Edrigan Sloan, and even to your beloved Funyon here."

 

Funyon, who has since rolled out of the ring and stands outside it, glares up at Sigil, seething with anger.

 

"Misguided fools, the lot of them," Sigil continues. "They are merely the first examples of the revolution that is to come. In the end, all will fall before me that do not support my cause. If I have to, I will rip apart every single person on the SWF roster until my point has been proven. Beware... the revolution!"

 

Sigil tosses the microphone aside as "Halo" begins to play again. Slowly, Sigil starts to climb out of the ring and make his way up the ramp, utterly content with the booing of the Raleigh audience.

 

"Well," Stevens finally speaks, "it looks like the newest member of the SWF, Sigil, has made his presence felt, literally!"

 

"Let me tell you something, Stevens," replies Riley. "That guy has got some issues!"

 

"That's a fair bit of understatement, Riley," comments Stevens. "Well, it looks like Funyon's all right, so we're going to go to another break, and then, when we come back, the Intercontinental Television title! Thoth! Tom Flesher! Next!"

[Guest BA_Baracus]

The camera fades back in on the RPS Arena in Raleigh, North Carolina, after a commercial for Jagermeister featuring Frost ("The dead animals speak to me. So does this liquor, and the dead elk on its label."). It pans around the arena, catching fans on film holding up signs like "I'm Here To See Ethoeth," "Flesher's Dick Shrank Because Annie Wouldn't Keep It Warm" and "Bemani Cross Wizards In Da Hizzy!" In the background, we can hear Bobby Riley mutter, "What the f-" However, he gets cut off by a series of orange and yellow pyro explosions, and then the ICTV Title graphic appears on the SmarkTron. Photos appear on the big screen of Tom Flesher on the left, ICTV title slung over his left shoulder, and Thoth on the right, wearing his Tag Team strap. Underneath, the words "ICTV TITLE... TOM FLESHER VS THOTH... GRUDGE MATCH" scroll, and finally the camera pans its way back to the announcers.

 

"Ladies and gentlemen," says Bobby Riley, "Welcome... to FLAIR COUNTRY!"

 

"Bobby," sighs Mark Stevens, I've been telling you all night, nobody knows WHO this Flair guy is, and even if we did, he'd probably be from Charlotte."

 

"Can't argue with that logic. WHOO!"

 

Stevens shuffles his papers briefly, collecting himself to keep from knife-edging Riley across the chest, and then clears his throat. "Fans, we have a special encounter for you tonight. For the past few weeks, Tom Flesher and Thoth have been going back and forth with their fued. Tom Flesher began by verbally berating Thoth at any turn, and Thoth responded by stealing Flesher's star protege, 'the Franchise' Mak Francis, out from under him. On Storm, they met in a brutal tag team match that was, unfortunately, cut to bits in order to accommodate our president's State of

the Cornbread Address..."

 

"See what happens when there's an all-Republican Congress? No one to rein in the rednecks."

 

"... We did, however, get to see the finish, in which Flesher remained undefeated in tag team competition through absolutely no fault of his own when he pretended to have been injured by Thoth's use, in self-defense to boot, of a foreign object that Flesher himself brought into the ring."

 

"But the big story," says Riley, "is that Tom Flesher not only used his icepick, but after the match even sprayed Thoth with black mist. We're seeing shades of Durandal here, and only Flesher's going to be able to explain that."

 

"With that in mind, let's go to the ring!"

 

Funyon stands in the ring and announces, "The following contest is scheduled for one fall, and it is for the SWF Intercontinental Television Title!"

 

The fans begin to cheer as "Little Mac's Confession" begins to play. The big screen shows glimpses of Thoth from the side, unable to focus on his face. The lights dim, replaced by a spotlight in the entranceway, as the fans begin to cheer even louder in anticipation of the Balancer. Finally, as the song's big riffs begin to blare over the speakers, the lights begin to blink, and as the drims hit, Thoth steps through the curtain. A few stray "DDR! DDR!" chants break out in the arena as Thoth walks through the near-strobe lights toward the ring.

 

"The challenger," says Funyon, "from Aechiba, Japan, weighing in at 236 pounds... one-half of the SWF World Tag Team Champions, he is the Balancer, he is THOTH!"

 

Thoth, dressed in red pants with red wristbands, sheds his oxford shirt and sets it in the corner. He turns his attention to the entryway, where the lights have gone down again and the SmarkTron is bright white. In blue, the words "MAGNIFICENT SEVEN" and "SUPERIORITY COMPLEX" ppear on the screen. After a moment of anticipation...

 

BOOM!

 

An explosion of blue pyro rocks the arena, accompanied by the ballistic opening chord of "Kashmir" by Led Zeppelin. Tom Flesher emerges from the cloud of smoke, title slung over his shoulder, and walks purposefully toward the ring. On the SmarkTron, videos of his signature moves

alternate in half-second clips with the words "SUPERIOR ONE," "AWARD-WINNING," "MAIN ATTRACTION" and "MAGNIFICENT SEVEN." Flesher enters the ring and takes his spot in the center, where, at 50 seconds in, the symphonic hook explodes percussively along with the standard machine-gun bursts of blue and white pyro from each corner. The music fades, and Flesher looks expectantly at the heavily-salted snack treat. Funyon dutifully takes the index card out of his pocket and begins to read:

 

"Ladies and gentlemen, currently in the ring is the man who will bring the SWF into its new generation. He's not only young and resilient, unlike SOME people who should really be getting a bone density test..."

 

Flesher wags his finger at Thoth in mock scolding...

 

"But he's also a two-time SWF Award Winner with a Superiority Complex. Some might try to knock him down a notch, but they'll only fail miserably, because he IS the Superior One, he IS the ICTV Champion, he IS... TOM... FLESHER!!!!"

 

Flesher golf-claps for himself, ignoring the obviously unfavorable crowd reaction. He strips off his warmup suit, setting it neatly in the corner, and then hands the belt off to referee Jim Stine. Stine holds the belt high, then calls for the bell.

 

 

DING DING DING!!!!!

 

 

Flesher and Thoth meet in the center of the ring, each man looking the other up and down. Flesher, for the second week in a row, wears conspicuous wrist tape in addition to his standard singlet and Doc Martens.

 

"Frankly," says Stevens, "Flesher's not doing a very good job of hiding the fact that he plans on using the black mist as a backup plan tonight."

 

"Oh, what are you talking about? He just wants extra support for his wrists, since he's going to be slapping Thoth silly."

 

After a moment of tension, Thoth forcefully locks up with Flesher. Tom is mildly surprised, but locks up with an equal amount of strength and stiffness. The two workers grapple briefly, with

 

Tom taking the upper hand and backing Thoth into the ropes. Stine breaks the lockup, but as Flesher backs away, he slaps Thoth hard across the face with an open hand. As the "SMACK!!!!!" echoes through the arena, Thoth coldly grabs his cheek, then calmly and collectedly rolls out his shoulders before stepping to the center

 

Back in the center, Thoth once again uses a great deal of strength to forcibly lock up with his shorter, more compact opponent. This time, Flesher shoves him backwards, and Thoth responds with a knife-edge chop across the chest.

 

WHOO!

 

Flesher absorbs the blow, grits his teeth and takes a step back. After collecting himself for a moment, he cracks his neck and steps forward into another lockup. Thoth, however, decides he doesn't want to get into a collar-and-elbow tie with Flesher, and opts simply to chop him again.

 

WHOO!

 

Flesher grits his teeth again and answers back with a palm to the jaw. Thoth takes a step back, doing his best to ignore the pain of the move, and steps forward again with a knife-edge chop. Flesher dodges it, though, and spins through into a side headlock. He squeezes Thoth's head as hard as he can, trying to fatigue his opponent.

 

"Flesher and Thoth begin the match with a classic game of one-upsmanship," notes Stevens. "Thoth was throwing unbelievable knife-edge chops, and Flesher answered with one of his world-renowned shoteis. In the end, neither man really showed weakness."

 

"What are you talking about? Flesher's got Thoth all tied up!"

 

"It's just a side headlock, Bobby... and so, the human game of chess begins."

 

"Man, chess is SO boring. Can't they play poker instead?"

 

Thoth steps around Flesher, trying to counter the headlock into a backdrop suplex. Flesher anticipates the move, however, and reasserts his position by grinding the headlock even tighter.

 

Thoth adjusts his position again, and this time Flesher decides that instead of risking being thrown to his back, he'll instead hit a classic side-headlock takeover. He squeezes the headlock and throws Thoth across his hips and onto the mat, where Jim Stine counts

 

ONE!

 

 

but no more, as Thoth rolls Flesher through for

 

ONE!

 

 

Flesher rolls through, coming up to a seated position with the headlock still secure. Cutting his losses, Tom releases the hold and gets to his feet, then turns... RIGHT into a stiff right hand from Thoth! Flesher, caught by surprise, steps back, only to have Thoth grab him by the wrist and whip him to the ropes! Tom rebounds, and Thoth bellies down to catch Tom with a drop toehold into the ropes! Tom catches his neck on the middle rope and falls backwards, where Thoth dives onto him for

 

ONE!

 

 

TWO!

 

 

 

but Flesher manages to kick out. He rolls to his stomach, and Thoth grabs his left arm. He jerks Flesher back to his feet and twists the arm, then slams his knee into the face of the doubled-over Flesher! Tom stands bolt upright, grabbing his face, and Thoth immediately snags him with a snap suplex! When Flesher lands with a loud THUD, Thoth floats over, covering him for

 

ONE!

 

 

TWO!

 

 

 

but Flesher lifts his shoulder. Thoth releases Flesher, but not before slamming one more right hand into the former Durandal's face. Tom opts not to follow Thoth to his feet, instead rolling to the outside to take a break. Jim Stine begins his ten-count as Flesher sulks around on the floor, frustrated.

 

ONE!

 

"Flesher doesn't seem to want to fight," says Stevens, "and can you blame him? Thoth's really taking it to his former protege."

 

TWO!

 

"Now WHY," interjects Riley, "just why would you say something so ridiculous?"

 

THREE!

 

Stevens sighs audibly. "Well, for one, Thoth has scored three consecutive near-falls."

 

FOUR!

 

"NEAR falls, bub. They don't mean a damn thing until you get the three."

 

FIVE!

 

"Be that as it may, Bobby, it means Thoth has the upper hand here."

 

SIX!

 

Flesher slides back into the ring and cracks his neck as Thoth stares him down. They slowly step to the center, Thoth looking confident, Flesher determined not to give up the belt, and they circle each other. Slightly more defensive now that he's shown his dominance, Thoth falls into a

protective stance as Flesher leans forward in a classic amateur wrestling body position. Thoth takes a step back, but Flesher immediately drops down and shoots at Thoth's legs. Thoth tries to sprawl back, but Flesher gets a tight grip on his left leg and pulls it into his chest. He stands up with it, throwing Thoth off-balance. As the DDR freak hops around on one leg, Flesher tries to take him to the mat. Thoth maintains his balance on one foot, and finally decides to take a chance with a gamengiri. He jumps up and swings his foot at Flesher's face in the reverse enzuigiri, but Tom, operating largely on reflex, ducks down at the last possible second, and Thoth goes spilling to the mat. Seizing the opportunity, Flesher keeps his hold on Thoth's left leg and jerks it upward, then steps across his back into a half crab. Thoth immediately winces, but Flesher continues torquing his leg and back by elevating the leg and stepping further and further up Thoth's body. As Thoth bends into more and more unnatural positions, Flesher continues stepping back, until he finally plants his foot firmly on Thoth's head. He grins, nods and uses his free hand to point Jim Stine down at Thoth.

 

"Look at the way Flesher's just bending Thoth in half!" says Mark Stevens.

 

"Oh, pish tosh," retorts Riley. "What red-blooded man wouldn't be thrilled at the prospect of Flesher bending him?"

 

Flesher grinds the sole of his Doc Marten boot into Thoth's head as he continues to crank the half crab. He yells, "ASK HIM!!!" Stine asks Thoth if he wants to submit, and Thoth yells, "NO!"

 

Flesher works the leg a little further up, and yells, "ASK HIM NOW!!!" Thoth shouts, "NO!" once more. Disgusted, Flesher grinds his boot on Thoth's head once more and releases the leg, which snaps to the mat like a released rubber band. Thoth pushes himself up, but Flesher immediately drops down onto him with a headbutt! Thoth recoils, but Flesher flips him over and covers for

 

ONE!

 

 

TWO!

 

 

 

KICKOUT! Thoth is stunned by the headbutt and tries unsuccessfully to push himself back to his feet. Flesher grabs him by the arm and whips him into the corner, then follows him in with a Yakuza kick! Thoth crumbles to the mat and onto his BUTT, sitting in the corner. Flesher smirks and nods to the crowd, which responds by booing him relentlessly. Flesher purposefully plants his foot onto Thoth's face and slowly, delibrately scrapes it with the sole of his boot. The crowd continues booing as Flesher replants his boot, then scrapes it across the Balancer's face again. Thoth shoots his hands up and tries desperately to cover his face, but Flesher kicks them away.

 

He prepares for another boot scrape, but then arrogantly waves it off and opts instead to toe-kick Thoth stiffly in the neck. Thoth grabs his neck, in obvious pain, as Flesher backs away and starts a golf clap for himself. The fans react, as always, with a shower of boos. A group of fans in one of the back sections pick up a chant of "ANNIE WON'T!" On the opposite side, the fans start chanting "SUCK YOUR DICK!"

 

Imagine the audacity.

 

"ANNIE WON'T!" "SUCK YOUR DICK!"

 

"ANNIE WON'T!" "SUCK YOUR DICK!"

 

"ANNIE WON'T!" "SUCK YOUR DICK!"

 

"Well," chuckles Stevens, "That's not exactly what Flesher wants to hear..."

 

Riley murmurs, "I don't mind..." before clearing his throat and saying, "These ignorant fans don't know superiority when they see it, Baby Grand. They just can't appreciate what Flesher's doing for them by putting on an exhibition like this!"

 

Flesher looks up, mildly annoyed, and turns around angrily to boot Thoth in the face again. Thoth blocks the kick! He catches Flesher's ankle and stands up in the corner. Flesher, not one to go for an enzuigiri, hops away, trying desperately to keep his balance. Thoth simply moves toward the center and falls to the side with a dragon screw, taking Flesher to the mat with him. Flesher rolls away, but when he gets up, Thoth is waiting for him with a knee smash! Flesher doubles over, and Thoth whips him to the corner. Flesher hits hard, and as he pauses to get his wind back, Thoth charges in, jumps into the air and nails him with a running front knee! Thoth bounces back and lands on his feet, regaining his balance in time to catch Flesher falling forward. He locks his arms around Flesher's waist, squeezes him in a bodylock, and arches backwards! With a solid impact, Flesher lands as Thoth completes the Northern Light suplex by holding his bridge for

 

ONE!

 

 

TWO!

 

 

TWO AND A HALF!

 

 

 

KICKOUT! "Flesher almost didn't make it out of that one," says Stevens. "These two are just giving it back and forth, each man trying to outdo the other."

 

"Well," says Riley, "one of these guys is MORE than capable of out-doing the other, let me tell you."

 

Stevens sighs. "Do you HAVE to make those comments every time Flesher wrestles?"

 

"Hey, is it MY fault he's naturally charismatic?"

 

"No, but you don't have to do his laundry, too."

 

Riley mutters, "I don't need this. I could be back in the locker room with my Best Of Flesher video" as the match continues. Thoth stays on top of Flesher, who begins to regain his senses.

 

Instinctively, Tom flattens out and hugs the mat in a standard defensive position, minimizing the opportunity his opponent has to apply a hold. Recognizing the technique, the Balancer goes a very non-amateur route and stiffly elbows Flesher in the ribs to get him to open up. Flesher bleats

out in pain and curls up around the injured ribs; Thoth takes advantage of the moment of poor positioning by reaching through the Superior One's legs and locking up a pumphandle. He stands up and attempts to jerk Flesher to his feet for the pumphandle suplex, but Flesher sandbags. Thoth, unable to lift his opponent with brute force, crouches down to maximize his lifting potential, but at the same time gives Flesher a few extra seconds to recover. Flesher capitalizes on the extra slack in the pumphandle grip as Thoth lowers his body by bracing up on one foot and doing a quick forward roll, in the process nailing Thoth in the jaw with his heel! Thoth recoils, and Flesher rolls away to regain his composure.

 

"What a counter!" says Bobby Riley. "How can Thoth even PRETEND to be on the SAME PAGE as Flesher?"

 

"I seem to recall the match being very back and forth, Bobby," admonishes Stevens. "Thoth has gotten by far the greater number of near-falls in this match, and Flesher's only gotten one submission hold on. I'd say Thoth's ahead on points."

 

"Bah," says Riley dismissively. "The only point here is the one on your head, Grand Spam."

 

Thoth takes an extra second to shake off the cobwebs, giving Tom time to run over and nail him in the head with a sitdown dropkick! Thoth rolls toward the ropes, and Flesher immediately smacks him with another dropkick to the head! The Balancer slides out of the ring to collect himself. As he does, Flesher runs to the opposite side and rebounds. When he gets to the side that Thoth is on, he catches the middle rope and swings his legs out, slamming Thoth in the face with a vicious swinging dropkick! Thoth falls backwards, into the guardrail, as Flesher plls himself out of the

ropes and regains his position. He starts to head outside, but then stops, thinks, and waves it off as a stupid idea. Instead, he leans in a corner and watches Thoth trying to recover in time to beat the 10-count.

 

ONE!

 

Thoth shakes his head and staggers toward the apron, with Flesher sneering and smirking at him.

 

TWO!

 

"Flesher's just in his element," says Bobby.

 

THREE!

 

Riley continues, "He doesn't need to do a damn thing but wait for Thoth to get counted out."

 

FOUR!

 

"I wouldn't be so sure about that," replies Grand Slam.

 

FIVE!

 

"Shows what you know," snorts Riley.

 

SIX!

 

Thoth appears all shaken out, and slides back into the ring. Tom sardonically claps for him, then struts over and grabs him by his long red hair. Cocky, very sure of his own abilities, Flesher uses his grip on Thoth's hair to throw him by and grabs him from behind in a waistlock.

 

"He had a handful of hair," says Stevens, taking great offense at the injustice in the squared circle.

 

"Oh, right, like you never did ANYTHING illegal in the ring."

 

"I can't say that, Bobby, but I can say that by the time I retired, I was one of the most lawful workers ever to step into an SWF ring."

 

"And where did it get you? Out on your BUTT, by the Carnie Killer himself, Edwin MacPhisto."

 

Angrily, Stevens clears his throat. "Call the match, Bobby."

 

"Awww, is him a widda sensitive about Kwissy Waynor and and Eddie MacPhisto?"

 

From the announcer's table, a loud "THUNK!" is heard, followed immediately by Riley whining, "Ya didn't have to HIT..."

 

THUNK.

 

"OKAY, OKAY, I'm SORRY!"

 

"You sure are, Bobby. You sure are."

 

Flesher uses his waistlock to lift Thoth off the ground. Thoth resists, but Flesher uses his strength to lift Thoth all the way up, arch backwards and German suplex him to the mat. He releases Thoth overhead, and Thoth lands awakwardly on his neck and shoulders before rolling through onto his stomach and pushing himself back up. Disoriented, he charges blindly at Flesher, who catches him, arches overhead and slams him to the mat with a Railgun suplex! Thoth lands hard and then sits back up, punching the air aimlessly before falling flatly onto his back. Flesher smirks and rolls on top of him. Tom begins to unroll his wrist tape as he arrogantly covers his opponent for

 

ONE!

 

 

TWO!

 

 

 

TWO AND A HALF!

 

 

 

THR- KICKOUT!!!!! "Would have had him if he hooked the leg," chastises Stevens.

 

"Aw, shut up."

 

THUNK.

 

"I'll be good."

 

Thoth sits up, and Tom immediately wraps the loose wrist tape around Thoth's neck! The fans boo loudly as Flesher slaps on a lazy reverse chinlock, covering the choke from Jim Stine. Thoth coughs and sputters, but the official doesn't notice Flesher casually unravelling his tape further and further to wrap it tighter and tighter around his former mentor's throat.

 

"This is ludicrous!" shouts Mark Stevens. "It's blatant, flagrant cheating!"

 

"Oh, grow up. If the ref can't see it, it's perfectly legal."

 

As Thoth turns progressively bluer and bluer, Jim Stine slaps Flesher's arm and tells him to break the hold. Flesher shakes his head and congenially says, "Thanks, but I'd really rather not." Stine slaps the arm harder, and finally physically grabs it and pulls the hold away.

 

Flesher quickly cinces the tape tighter around Thoth's neck, getting one more good tracheal compression before Stine forces him away. With the official distracted by checking to see if Thoth can continue, Flesher quickly unwraps the rest of his wrist tape and bites down against his wrist, slipping something into his mouth as the fans begin to boo.

 

"Oh, that was awful!" says Riley. "Thoth was just starting to match Flesher's singlet!"

 

"Well, of course he was! He was being choked!"

 

"Oh, details, details. All that matters is a color-coordinated wrestling experience, Grand Marnier."

 

"And I reiterate... Bobby Riley, Interior Decorator."

 

Thoth staggers to his feet, still recovering from the blatant illegality, and Flesher drops to his knees in his corner. He produces the icepick and, grinning devilishly with his lips sealed shit, brandishes it and waves it high in the air. Jim Stine immediately runs over and admonishes him, telling him to put it back in the corner. Finally, with an "oops" gesture, Flesher casually

drops it off to the side. Stine kneels down to pick up the foreign object, and with that, Flesher blows a mouthful of black mist in Thoth's face! The fans burst into a loud chorus of boos and "BULLSHIT!" chants as Flesher grabs the disoriented Balancer from behind and executes a quick and dirty Unprettier. The black mist makes a greasy spot on the canvas as most of it wipes off Thoth's face, and Flesher manages to wipes the rest off as he rolls Thoth to his back. Stine turns around just in time to count

 

ONE!

 

 

TWO!

 

 

 

THREE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

 

 

DING DING DING!!!!!!!!

 

 

"Your winner," announces Funyon, "and STILL SWF ICTV Champion, THE SUPERIOR ONE, TOM FLESHER!"

 

Stine raises Flesher's arm, but Flesher quickly rolls out of the ring. He grabs his warmup suit and the belt and hightails it to the back as quickly as possible, to avoid being around when Thoth comes to.

 

"Flesher once again screws Thoth out of a win," says Stevens disgustedly.

[Guest BA_Baracus]

Super-impressive 3 match show recap.

 

HARDCORE TITLE MATCH

Ash Ketchum © vs. Xero

- Ass Ketchup retains.

 

SINGLES MATCH

Annie Eclectic vs. Mak Francis

- Huh huh huh...I get it. Oh wait...no I don't.

 

ICTV TITLE MATCH

Tom Flesher © vs. Thoth

- Flesher previals (through the use of some type of evil tactics I'm sure)...