The ONE and ONLY Crimson 11/29/02 Thread!!

[Secret Agent 0]

Well let me read the whole show and i can dish out some comments. Looks good so far.

[Guest Dace59]

<Losers Comedy> You Bitch Dangerous! Give me that bloody title *Starts up a weedwacker and chases after Johnny with it!<End Comedy>

 

Seriously, good job man, I've only skimmed it myself, but congrats on the win.

 

<Holds Up a Sign Reading> *DACE LIKES TO GET DANGEROUS*

[Guest Suicide King]

why no comments? i was very pleased with this show. A great scaffold match, a wonderful main event with a rather close ending, and newbie premiere in the opener. What more could you want?

 

Post or die.

[Secret Agent 0]

Sorry, King… I had planned to comment sooner but I was trying to go for something more in depth that cool match Ejiro, keep it up. Plus I do these on MS Word so I look like I have some swank spelling.

 

Opening Promo – TNT

 

Well… umm this was ok I guess. It’s nice how you WF boys like to make the JL shows look like a pile of trash with this kind of stuff. Why don’t we open up the next WF show this way?

 

NEXT

 

Real Opening Promo – Judge Mental

 

Well I don’t know whether to celebrate or cry. This promo lets out the surprise that Judge Mental will no longer be taking part in our JL side show action, but rather laying the smackdown, or having the smackdown laid on him by the WF. The good thing about this is we don’t have to worry about the powerhouse that is Judge Mental hogging the World Title now.

 

“King, who are those women?”

 

“Oh, them? Just some of my ex-girlfriends.”

 

“SOME?! They has got to be around 30 girls up there! You mean-”

 

“Yep.”

 

As always your dialog and interaction between King and Axis, almost has me falling out of my chair sometime. I will miss this in the JL, but I also look forward to seeing how you handle Stevens and Riley.

 

Well you laid the bombshell this time Judge. The only thing you forgot to mention was who you were leaving in charge of the JL Magnificent Seven. Alas Mental, I wish you much luck in the WF, you had a great run down here.

 

HARDCORE MATCH

MVS vs. Arianwyn Rivenstone

 

Well Ms. Rivenstone makes quite they debut match. As far as the story line goes, I think I would like to know exactly why these Disciples of Discord seem to have it out so bad for MVS, or is MVS just the lucky target the DoD choose for no reason what so ever? Anyways this was a pretty good debut, all though something tells me when have seen this writer in this federation before. Also where is the other writer for the two woman DoD at?

 

“So how was your Thanksgiving, King?” Axis asks as he turns to face his partner. King gives him a sidelong glance and raises his brows. His face then becomes quite serious as he answers, “I was very thankful over the break, Axis. Thankful I got some time away from you.” “Aw, Axis says, “That hurts, King.” The Suicide King nods again, “The truth always hurts.” “Well,” Axis retorts. “A couple of the guys backstage were kind enough to invite me along to their Thanksgiving dinner.” “How kind.”

 

I have to say this bit had me rolling. I loved it. The rest of it was pretty well paced a few bits of Grammar here and there, and a few stiff sequences. Other than that good job, I’m sure you will shake the rust whoever you are.

 

SINGLES MATCH

”Hollywood” Spike Jenkins vs. Janus

 

Awesome match Janus. While nothing really stood out to me to quote on, I will just say you get better with each match you write. It was filled with plenty of action from beginning to end… What more could you possibly ask for? I think it would do you good to get together with somebody and create a feud. It might make it easier for you to write more compelling matches.

 

Keep it up, and you will go up the card quick.

 

SCAFFOLD MATCH FOR THE EUROPEAN TITLE

Wildchild vs. Ejiro Fasaki

 

….

 

 

..

 

Oh my GAWD!! This match was hell a vicious. I read it twice just to make sure I didn’t overlook anything! At first I thought this was going to be the blow off match that finally ended the hate games between Ejiro and Wildchild, but my God you too just look like your beginning!

 

I think this was probably your best match to date, Ejiro. It had plenty of intense moments that really had me rooting for Wildchild during it, with the most unexpected anding. For me anyways… Not to sound down on you but I really thought Wildchild was going to get you this time, but you sure shut my mind up quick!

 

Excellent work Ejiro. I have more to comment on this match but, its late and im tired so I will continue this in the morning.

 

I would also appreaciate any and all comments for my match. I realize it had some rushed portions to it, as I spent all of two days of my writing time fleshing out the 1500 word ending.

[Guest Powerplay]

Christ, I've had a lot of stuff to do. But, a King death threat is enough for me to start getting comments out.

 

Opening Promo by TNT

 

Well, now that I'm an op in chat (WOOHOO!) you'll have hell to pay for this ultimate blasphemy you've committed. Sorry, but the good book dicates it, and I'm not one to break tradition.

 

My Opening Promo

 

It was definitely one of my better ones, and I was really coming back into my groove with the JL. Well, too bad. Critizisms, comments, death threats, fan mail, letter bombs and love notes are all welcome.

 

Opening Match

 

My my my my my...... Damn, that's one nice opening match. Some simple little things like missing some ", but that's something that can be remedied by doing some proofreading once the match is done. It looks like the flashback is quickly becoming a trend in the JL. Of course, being 42 I miss these things pretty easily . Johnny suspects that we've seen this writer before, and I agree: For someone new, your writing seems pretty refined. Then again, I could be wrong and you are just fantastic from the start. A few points:

 

A kickout at 1 for a Lionsault? I dunno, but that seems a little quick, especially for a guy who just fell onto his back, probably banging his head in the process.

 

This match seemed kinda short, even for the word limit. You put a lot of backstage stuff into the match, but nearly a third of the match was devoted to the opening (Around 1100 words, though I'm not much better). This can get pasted in a 5000 word match, but not so in a 3500 word one. I think the second flashback (The phone call one) could have been a good show promo, and you could have lengthed it more since you wouldn't have to worry about a word limit with show promos. Another thing to make it seem longer is maybe cut down on the commentary a little. Not too much, but it seemed to have more commentary than wrestling.

 

In Psyche you are very solid, nice job there with the selling the head injury.

 

You write very well, and your imagery is great. Though you have to watch out with lower word limits not to use too much imagery, which I did when I started out (And sometimes still do, unfortunately).

 

Overall, a very good and impressive debut match, despite a few problems.

 

Janus' Match

 

We have a lot of promising new people coming in (Arianwyn, Janus, Dace) along with seasoned veterans (Ejiro, Wildchild, Johnny, Fugue, MVS, Matt, IL, a returning Thor as "Mountain" Mike Moran and "Hollywood" Spike Jenkins), and the SJL looks more and more solid everyday, despite having a small roster. On to the match:

 

Spike is up moments later.

 

Just in time to meet a huge chop to the chest that sends him reeling.

 

A "..." here would help out because a simple "." tells your mind that that is the end of the action, and in this case it really isn't. Minor quibble, really.

 

You have a very good balance between detail and action, not going too much to either side. That's something very good for a person who has only had 3 matches.

 

I see you tried to tag something. For my matches, I use the patented Chris Raynor Double Tag™, like this . It hasn't failed me yet.

 

I really enjoyed this match. It had a good amount of spots, and the amount of action was quite nice. The only thing I have to say about it is that I'm disappointed that Spike no-showed, and boy does he have a match coming up ...

 

Ejiro's Match

 

I must paraphrase Raynor (Wow, two Raynor references already. I'm amazed) for this match: "EJIRO WINS! MARKOUT MARKOUT MARKOUT MARKOUT!" For me, this is a fucking mark out supreme. A clean win over Wildchild is certainly something to boast about, and Ejiro truly deserves it. Comments:

 

Your commentary is hilarious as always. I still love the "Cactus Jack" one from the Remember the Alamo match .

 

. He is The SJL Ejiropean Champion and would like to have it known that the United States Army totally lost in Vietnam.

 

Cheap heel heat is always the best.

 

“He would! He would! This is for the beer mug! This is for the flintlock pistol! This is for all the interference! WildChild is going to get all the revenge he always wanted!”

 

I'm sorry for getting quoty like I have been, but I REALLY liked that. That's history from a month or so ago, but it reminds how much Ejiro has really cost him. Not just a match on the show before, but a World Title Contendership match, a European match, and a lot lot more. That's really good stuff.

 

Jimmy Snuka/Mick Foley reference= Ownage for this Mick Mark. Same with the Joey Styles remark (Which made me laugh aloud).

 

I don't know exactly I can quote anymore, because there is simply too much.

 

Oh, and for a second, I thought you actually did the Ejirocution (A Tiger Driver '91) off the scaffold. Instant reactions in chat:

 

Crowe: !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Silent:....

Crowe: Isn't there a penalty for a wrestler murdering another wrestler?

 

There is a lot of stuff here that I absolutely love, and this is a serious MOTY contender in my eyes.

 

And I'll get to Johnny's match later today, since it's 4:30 A.M. and I've barely had any sleep.

[Guest Powerplay]

Okay, I FINALLY GOT TO THE FINAL MATCH! WHOO! YES!

 

I like the intro. It's nice having a big word limit to which you can give some analysis and such. It's something I personally like to do.

 

Nice character work, with Dace being a real house clearer, Judge and Fugue teaming up, and the like. Really nice.

 

Favorite part:

**

Grabing onto the Musicians long, scraggly hair, Rickmen drags him to his feet and whips him over the top rope!

 

“NOOOO!” cries the Suicide King!

 

“You son of a b*tch! You think your funny? Meet me by the basketball goal after the show!”

 

“I would but you probably dug it up.” Says Axis with a smug smile.

 

“You just WAIT! It’s going to be Axis vs Suicide King round two!”

 

**

 

That is funny on so many levels.

 

Dace's whole spot is awesome, especially the Gore that costs him a fall and IL's elimination. Very nice, and good explanation from King as to why he did it.

 

All the eliminations felt good, as in they really didn't lose any heat from it. I dunno, but they all felt warrented with me.

 

I'm surprised you remembered I was an Oakland county Judge. Very nice stuff there.

 

On the ending, I absolutely loved it. It was great, and had a real movie feel to it. Even if I had written, I really doubt I could write something that good. Another MOTY Candidate, though not having much history behind it hurts it a little.

 

All in all, an absolutely incredible show. Great job, people.

[Guest Goodear]

I so sorry guys but I don't think I'll have a chance to comment on this show. I just got home yesterday and have to write my match with Dace basically today for Tuesday's markings. So, sorry all. Hopefully I'll get a chance to get myself caught up in the next few days and get my commentary on again.

[Guest Dace59]

In other news, I need to write to... damn.

[Guest X briar rose X]

I'd like to thank everyone who commented on the matches. I tried to incorporate some of the things mentioned, but ended up producing an ugly match anyway.

 

In other words... why can't the WWE produce shows like this?

[Guest Dace59]

Many, many reasons.

They all just give you a reason to check out other fed from across the world.

 

And this is an E-fed so we have no constrants, and no real back stage stuff.