EWR Diary for XPW

December 10, 2002

Hey, let’s take the worst promotion in the game and see what you can do with it. Ok? Ok!

XPW Monday Nightmare for Monday January 6th, 2003

Live from an abandoned warehouse in the San Fernando Valley

Hosts: Joey Styles and Terry Funk

Major Gunns comes out and declares that she is the new commissioner of the promotion (frankly, what else am I going to do with her), because she gave owner Rob Black a blowjob. We don’t beat around the bush in XPW, if there are blowjobs going on, we tell you about them in clear and simple language. Secondly, since that fucktard (it’s XPW t.v., we can say “fucktard”) Shane Douglas has left XPW for the TNA because he got a handjob from Jeff Jarrett (and yes, we have pictures) the World title is vacant and a tournament will be held leading up to our month end sorta-kinda-not-really big show, New Year’s Revolution. The brackets are written on Gunns’ cleavage and are:

Chris Chetti vs. Webb

Chris Candido vs. Evan Kariagas

The Sandman vs. a Mystery Opponent

Danny Doring vs. newcomer Johnny Smith

Supreme vs. GQ Money

Kaos vs. Halloween

First Round Singles Match for XPW World Title Tournament:

Danny Doring vs Johnny Smith :

Doring takes a back suplex. Johnny Smith uses move #193 (arm-BAR). Hard impact russian legsweep by Johnny. If you're going to get impact, 'hard' is probably a good way to go. Stun Gun from Johnny Smith! There used to be this blonde guy in WCW in the early 90's who used that...i wonder what happened to him? Doring pushes out of a Johnny Smith hold. Fallaway slam by Danny Doring. Johnny takes a quick lariat. There's a two count on the pin. Johnny counters a sleeper hold by turning it into a jaw breaker. Reverse DDT into a backbreaker by Johnny Smith, great move. Cover for a two count. Back suplex off the top rope, Doring landed hard. Pin, but Doring is out just before the three count. Johnny Smith gets taken down out of nowhere. Stiff chop lights up Johnny. Doring walks into a trip. Big dropkick by Johnny Smith, who got good elevation. Johnny Smith floors Doring near the ropes and makes the pin. Johnny is using the ropes for leverage! The referee hasn't seen it: 1....2....3!! I don't think the fight has finished. Danny Doring and Johnny have begun brawling again! They wind up brawling all the way down the aisle and out of view. **1\2 rating for a decent contest.

Winner: Johnny Smith

Overall Rating: 70%

Crowd Reaction: 60%

Match Quality: 80%

(Wow, a decent match. Sadly, this will probably be the best match of the tournament)

Hardcore Tag Match for the XPW Tag Team Titles

Mexico's Most Wanted (Damien 666 & Halloween) (champs) vs As Seen On TV (American Wild Child & Shady): Damien 666 with an enziguri. American Wild Child takes a knee lift from Halloween. Mexico's Most Wanted whip Wild Child into the ropes and hit a double back elbow. Mexico's Most Wanted have Shady to themselves. Double Brainbuster! 1....2....3! It's over. This one gets * rating and likes it.

Winners: Mexico’s Most Wanted retain

Overall Rating: 52%

Crowd Reaction: 43%

Match Quality: 61%

(I’m a sucker for having a solid tag team division in my EWR feds, guess I’ll have to learn to live without that.)

The Sandman is backstage with announcer Kriss Kloss. He says something about not caring who his opponent is and winning the world title at all costs, but it was a little hard to understand him as he was shot gunning a case of Blatz at the same time.

First Round Singles Match for XPW World Title Tournament

The Sandman vs Mystery Opponent :

The Mystery Man turns out to be…STEVEN RICHARDS. Joey Styles has a coronary and Terry Funk pulls out the deliberators to revive him. Then he smacks him in the head with a cookie sheet. He’s kooky that way.

Weak kick from Sandman. The Sandman punches away at Steven Richards. The Sandman hits a weak elbow on Steven Richards. Big forearm by Sandman, which was thrown so badly that Misawa is probably doubled-up with laughter somewhere. Steven Richards comes up with a right hand out of nowhere. The Sandman takes a right hand to the temple from Stevie. Steven Richards DDTs Sandman, although it was hardly executed with pin-point precision. There's a two count on the pin. Sandman blocks a kick from Steven Richards. The Sandman hits a bulldog off the ropes. There's a two count on the pin. Sandman DDTs Steven Richards. Cover, but there's a last second kick-out. Steven Richards fights out of a grapple. Sandman hits a punch, but takes one right back. CLUBBERIN', CLUBBERIN', THEY BE CLUBBERIN' TONY! Sorry, flashback moment. The Sandman ducks a clothesline attempt. The Sandman strikes Steven Richards. Lady Victoria has climbed up onto the apron! Sandman turns...and falls for the distraction! Steven Richards runs at Sandman from behind...but misses! Steven Richards collides with Lady Victoria! Steven Richards is in trouble. DDT! 1....2....3. Steven Richards goes nuts, screaming and yelling at everyone within earshot. I'll give it a *1\2 rating.

Winner: Sandman

Overall Rating: 57%

Crowd Reaction: 61%

Match Quality: 50%

Show Rating: 61%

t.v. rating: .15

Attendance: 150 mutants and a guy named Bernie

Comments and ideas are appreciated.

December 11, 2002

Idea: make him into the old Stevie Richards with the short shorts and goofy attitude. Not StevEN Richards. Push Johnny Smith, hire some new guys, release some trash wrestling dead weight.

December 11, 2002

I'm only taking this fed half seriously and the idea is to see what I can do with the guys and fed concept they already have in place with a few additions and subtractions here and there. I'm not looking to do a major over haul.

I have all intentions of pushing Smith and had similar plans you mention for Richards, but as you can see below, he wound up getting injured on me. Thanks for reading.

December 11, 2002

XPW Monday Nightmare for January 13th, 2003

From an old armory in Oxnard, California

Hosts: Joey Styles and Terry Funk

Lady Victoria (and no she’s not that Victoria) confronts Major Gunns about the Sandman injuring Steven Richards in their match last week (Richards is injured and out five months with a bicep tear. I had such plans for him *sob*). Gunns tells her to go blow a yak (which she was going to do anyway). Victoria cryptically tells her that it just forces her “boss” to step up the timetable for his plans. Before Gunns can ask her what her connection is to Bruce Springsteen, Vickie surprises her with a chair shot out of nowhere and then sodomizes her with a tennis racket. “Sodomize with a tennis racket” isn’t an actual angle you can do, so just use your imagination. This is XPW damn it, we can sodomize people with whatever we want.

Segment rating: 50%

First Round Singles Match for XPW World Title Tournament

Halloween vs Kaos:

Kaos hits a wicked chop that echoes through the building. Halloween reverses a hip toss. Kick from Halloween to the leg. Kaos charges, Halloween moves, and the referee is conveniently placed to get knocked out. Halloween with an enziguri. Hooks the leg, but the referee is still out. Halloween only gets knees on a splash. Legsweep out of Nowhere. Where is Nowhere, and why do moves keep coming out of there? Does it have a factory? Kaos crushes Halloween with a big legdrop. There's a two count on the pin. Tiger suplex on Halloween, right from out of the Misawa playbook. Cover, but there's a last second kick-out. Halloween drops out the back of a Kaos bodyslam attempt. Badly executed second rope splash by Halloween. Pin : 1 - 2 - 2.9999999. Kaos counters a backdrop attempt with a kick to the face. American Wild Child comes running down the aisle with a chair! Kaos goes to irish whip Halloween into the ropes. Wild Child hits Halloween with a chair to the back! Halloween gets knocked to the ground by Kaos, who is already climbing the turnbuckle. Through the air, Kaostrify! 1....2....3. Kaos and Wild Child are beating the hell out of Halloween! Damien 666 sprints down the aisle and slides into the ring! He goes toe-to-toe with Kaos, exchanging punches, while Halloween comes back, sending Wild Child out of the ring with a clothesline. Mexico's Most Wanted have cleared the ring, driving off Kaos and Wild Child! This one gets * rating and likes it.

(Man, Keith made that sound much better than it turned out being, didn’t he? As you can imagine I’m working a feud between Mexico’s Most Wanted and As Seen on T.V. Note to self: come up with better tag team names for these guys.)

Winner: Kaos

Overall Rating: 54%

Crowd Reaction: 43%

Match Quality: 65%

Barb Wire match for the XPW Deathmatch Title

Alter Boy Luke (champion) vs Julio Dinero:

Spinning back kick from Julio Dinero. Driven DDT by Julio Dinero. The ring shook violently, instantly making it better at selling than some of the current roster. Dinero drops an elbow...but misses. Fate can be so cruel. Driven DDT by Alter Boy Luke. The ring shook violently, instantly making it better at selling than some of the current roster. Standing leg lariat by Alter Boy Luke on Dinero. Alter Boy Luke throws Dinero back-first into the barbed wire. Julio Dinero avoids a Alter Boy Luke avalanche. Flying cross body off the top rope! I'll give a 0.8 on the Steamboat scale for that effort. Alter Boy Luke gets knocked to the ground by Dinero, who is already climbing the turnbuckle. Sky Twister Press!!! 1....2....3!! It's all over. Honky Tonk Man comes running down the aisle, and gets into the ring! Dinero turns around...straight into a Shake, Rattle and Roll!! Julio Dinero has been left down on the canvas. Rating: 1\2 star. This was HTM's debut.

(Because frankly, when I think Deathmatch, I think the Honky Tonk Man.)

Winner: Julio Dinero

Overall Rating: 47%

Crowd Reaction: 30%

Match Quality: 65%

Chris Candido is backstage with Kris Kloss. He’s going to make Even Kariagas wish he was still shaving Tank Abbott’s back in WCW. In other news, Candido’s long time valet/floozy Tammy Sytch went out for some crack a week ago and never came back (I fired her, because she was useless). He is downhearted, but if he can put on a good showing in the World title tourney XPW owner Rob Black will give him his own personal porn star whose had her shots and everything. Big thumbs up to the camera from Candido for that.

Segment Rating: 75%

First Round Singles Match for XPW World Title Tournament

Chris Candido vs Evan Karagias:

Kick from Chris Candido to the leg. Candido hits a wicked chop that echoes through the building. Second rope flying axe handle, Karagias goes down. Candido uses a basement dropkick to the knee. Karagias blocks a punch. Candido takes a chop from Karagias. Badly executed second rope splash by Karagias. Cover for a two count. Chris Candido powers out of a Evan Karagias headlock. Candido crushes Karagias with a big legdrop. Cover for a two count. Tiger suplex on Karagias, right from out of the Misawa playbook. Pin, but Karagias is out just before the three count. Evan Karagias pulls a mule kick out of nowhere. Candido takes a chop from Karagias. Candido kicks Evan Karagias in the gut to reverse the momentum. Legsweep out of Nowhere. Where is Nowhere, and why do moves keep coming out of there? Does it have a factory? Evan Karagias is in trouble. Here it comes - Blonde Bombshell. 1....2...3, it's finished. I don't think the fight has finished. Chris Candido and Karagias have begun brawling again! They wind up brawling all the way down the aisle and out of view. I'm going to give this a ** rating because i'm in a generous mood.

(My main event is a man owned by Barry Horowitz and a guy whose former flunkies are in the WWE while he’s wrestling in freakin’ armories for a porno producer.)

Overall Rating: 63%

Crowd Reaction: 54%

Match Quality: 73%

Show Rating: 58%

t.v. rating: .15

Attendance: 160 drunk college kids with names like “Stoner” and “Moose.”

The first round of the XPW World title tourney concludes next week. Honky Tonk Man speaks. Lady Victoria’s “boss” revealed (not really). And most likely much more tennis racket sodomizing.

December 11, 2002

XPW Monday Nightmare for January, 20th 2003

Live from a drainage ditch somewhere in Orange County

Hosts: Joey Styles and Terry Funk

First Round Singles Match for XPW World Title Tournament

Chris Chetti vs Webb:

Dropkick connects, Webb goes down. Webb reverses a Chris Chetti hammerlock. Chetti gets slammed. Webb misses a clothesline...and takes out the referee by mistake. Death valley driver by Webb, Chris Chetti got planted. Cover, but there's no one to count for Webb. Chetti pushes out of a Webb hold. Second rope flying axe handle, Webb goes down. Chetti crushes Webb with a big legdrop. Cover for a two count. Power drive elbow by Chris Chetti. Pinfall attempt gets a 2.9999. Webb powers out of a headlock. Spear by Webb. Pinfall attempt gets a 2.9999. Chris Chetti elbows Webb in the face to break a hammerlock. Chetti scores with a forearm, sending Webb down into the corner. The referee pulls Chris Chetti away to get the break. Wait! Webb has pulled something out of his tights. Chris Chetti walks over...and gets floored by a punch! No, the referee saw the brass knuckles! We have DQ decision! Webb gives a murderous look toward Chris Chetti...and attacks! Chetti gets dropped to the canvas, then battered with a barrage of rights and lefts. Webb picks him up...and launches him over the top rope to the outside. A small measure of revenge has been taken. I'm going to give this a ** rating because i'm in a generous mood.

(Didn’t this guy used to be White Trash Johnny Webb? How does just being “Webb” get him over anymore? I’m also thinking of changing Chetti’s name to “Tazz’s cousin.” Now that’s a name that will get you over.)

Winner: Chris Chetti

Overall Rating: 61%

Crowd Reaction: 52%

Match Quality: 70%

Commissioner Gunns gets revenge on Lady Victoria for her attack last week, but tearing her clothes off, soaking her nubile body in butter and then……sodomizing her with a tennis racket. This has increased the overness of both ladies and turned Gunns face. Don’t tell Rob Black that sodomizing doesn’t equal ratings, he knows better.

Segment Rating: 61%

(The part of the Honky Tonk Man will now be played by Randy Orton, given that HTM was stolen from me by CZW or some other garbagy fed like that. Bastards) Randy Orton tells Julio Dinero that he has dreamed of being King of the Deathmatch since he was a little boy on his daddy’s knee and trying to look up Roddy Piper’s skirt sexually confused him until he was 12. Doctored footage is played of Orton’s attack on Dinero from last week. What are production people can do with duct tape and Atari 2600 parts is amazing.

Segment Rating: 51%

The Sandman is walking down the corridor. He stops suddenly, then turns and looks around. He walks over to a big crate and looks behind it. He finds nothing, so walks off, looking confused. The camera watches him go, then turns, just in time to see a shadowy figure emerge from behind a different crate, and run off! The camera follows the figure until it comes upon a large neon sign reading “LADY VICTORIA’S BOSS!” and a giant arrow pointing at the fleeing figure.

Segment Rating: 68%

First Round Singles Match for XPW World Title Tournament

Supreme vs GQ Money:

Supreme strikes GQ Money. Running clothesline from Supreme, sloppily done. Big clothesline from Supreme. Flapjack from Supreme on GQ. GQ reverses an irish whip...and Supreme runs into the referee. GQ Money knocks Supreme to the outside, then signals for the Money Shot. He reaches out of the ring for Supreme...and gets clobbered with the ring bell! Right to the head! The referee wakes up to see Supreme sliding in and making the pinfall: 1....2....3! Forget about it. The fight has started up again! Supreme attacks GQ, and they brawl all around ringside, then into the crowd! They eventually disappear backstage, still fighting. I'll give a 1\2 star rating.

(Crap, I forgot to write down the ratings. Eh, let’s just take some wild guesses.)

Overall Rating: Mediocre

Crowd Reaction: Apathetic

Match Quality: Would impress the Road Warriors.

Show Rating: 56%

t.v. rating: .15

Attendance: 156 people (the Mankiwiecz family had a personal crisis and could not make the show, dropping our attendance from the previous week.)

Coming up next is New Year’s Revolution! The World title tourney heats up! Randy Orton hits the ring! A bunch of lameoes will be tossed into a battle royale for lack of something better to do with them! And Lady Victoria’s boss will be revealed (but probably not)!

December 11, 2002

Keep these coming dude, they're fucking hilarious.

December 11, 2002

XPW New Year’s Revolution for January 26th, 2003

Live from the ballroom at Folsom Prison

Hosts: Joey Styles and Terry Funk

Commissioner Major Gunns comes down to the ring to run over the card for the night and is jumped from behind by Lady Victoria. Victoria strips her to underwear and then pulls out a microwave and turns it on to see if she can get Gunns’ breast implants to explode. Security pulls her off before she can lube up the tennis racket and drags her off. Oddly the inmates are more interested in using the microwave to make burritos than seeing Major Gunns half naked.

Segment Rating: 47%

10 Man Left Over Loser Battle Royal:

Salid Jihad hits a sloppy double axe handle. Jihad tried to eliminate Raphael Muhammed, who hung onto the top rope. Dropkick connects, Jihad goes down. Salid Jihad got thrown over the top rope by Juan. (Elimination # 1) Karagias hits an arm drag on Matthew. Karagias threw Alter Boy Matthew over the top rope. (Elimination # 2) Hard back suplex on Irishman. Anyone remember when that was Shawn Michaels's finisher? Juan went for the elimination, but The Drunk Irishman held on to the ropes. Scott Snot takes a right hand to the temple from Irishman. Uninspiring brawling from The Drunk Irishman. Muhammed walks into a high dropkick from Alter Boy Luke. Muhammed takes a flying neckbreaker from Alter Boy Luke. Luke hits a wicked chop that echoes through the building. Raphael Muhammed got thrown over the top rope by Luke. (Elimination # 3) Karagias, chanelling the power of Takada, hits a high kick on Scott Snot. Karagias tried to eliminate Scott Snot, who hung onto the top rope. Standing leg lariat by El Mosca De La Merced on Doring. Mosca tried to get Danny Doring over the top rope, but Gravity made the save. Stiff high kick on Juan by Alter Boy Luke who has evidently been watching some old AJPW tapes recently. Luke went for the elimination, but Juantastico held on to the ropes. Kick from Juantastico to the leg. The Drunk Irishman was eliminated by Juan. (Elimination # 4) Scott Snot hits a sloppy bulldog off the ropes. Snot tried to get Juantastico over the top rope, but Gravity made the save. Juan hits a wicked chop that echoes through the building. Juan tried to get Danny Doring over the top rope, but Gravity made the save. Spear by Danny Doring. Doring tried to eliminate Juantastico, who hung onto the top rope. Uninspiring brawling from Scott Snot. Snot tried to eliminate Danny Doring, who hung onto the top rope. Kick from Alter Boy Luke to the leg. Luke went for the elimination, but Scott Snot held on to the ropes. Snot takes a chop from Karagias. Karagias threw Scott Snot over the top rope. (Elimination # 5) Danny Doring fires off some right and left hands. Alter Boy Luke was eliminated by Doring. (Elimination # 6) Karagias hits a flying kick on Mosca. El Mosca De La Merced got eliminated by Karagias. (Elimination # 7) Forearm to the face from Karagias on Doring. Flying elbow from Evan Karagias, barely hitting the target. Doring drives a thrust kick into the chest of Juan. Juan gets slammed. Gut buster, Juan hits hard. Doring went for the elimination, but Juantastico held on to the ropes. Forearm to the face from Karagias on Juan. Karagias went for the elimination, but Juantastico held on to the ropes. Evan Karagias strikes Doring. Karagias tried to get Danny Doring over the top rope, but Gravity made the save. Dropkick connects, Doring goes down. Juan went for the elimination, but Danny Doring held on to the ropes. Stiff high kick on Doring by Juantastico who has evidently been watching some old AJPW tapes recently. Juan tried to eliminate Danny Doring, who hung onto the top rope. Standing leg lariat by Juantastico on Karagias. Evan Karagias got thrown over the top rope by Juan. (Elimination # 8) Danny Doring moves in for the kill. Wham Bam!!! That shook the ring. Juantastico got thrown over the top rope by Doring. I don't rate battle royals.

(I swear the Drunk Irishman had that name when I picked him up, but you have to admit that he fits the fed’s template to a T. I have big racial stereotype plans for him. And if you think these jokers suck, you should have seen the dead weight I cut from the roster to start out. They’re all working at a In and Out Burger in the Valley now.)

Winner: Danny Doring

Overall Rating: 37%

Crowd Reaction: 24%

Match Quality: 50%

Julio Dinero confronts Randy Orton backstage at the buffet table (read: a box of Cheez-Its and a plate of fudge rounds). Dinero isn’t too happy with the Honky Ton…er, he means Orton jumping him a few weeks ago. Orton goes to chew him out, but then realizes that he’s in the XPW and starts crying. To save the segment, Dineo punts him in the yaboos and plants his face in the plate of Twinkies. The XPW: we can’t even afford pies for the world’s oldest joke.

Segment Rating: 51%

Tag Team Tables Match for the XPW Tag Team Titles

As Seen On TV vs Mexico's Most Wanted (champs):

Back heel kick from Damien on Wild Child, missed by miles. Diving headbutt from Damien, not much elevation. Flying cookie sheet shot by Halloween, blasting Shady. Mexico's Most Wanted whip Shady into the corner. Damien 666 whips Halloween in for a hard clothesline to follow-up. Damien throws Shady onto the table, climbs to the top rope...and uses a flying elbow drop to collapse the table and pick up a victory. The fight has started up again! As Seen On TV attacks Mexico's Most Wanted, and they brawl all around ringside, then into the crowd! They eventually disappear backstage, still fighting. I'll give a 1\2 star rating.

(Only in XPW can a man named after a pagan holiday and the anti-Christ be over as faces. I would have put the heels over here, but Damien and Halloween have been bitching about their push. Then again, how much sway do midcarders in the XPW have? I’m such a tool.)

Winners: Mexico’s Most Wanted

Overall Rating: 48%

Crowd Reaction: 41%

Match Quality: 55%

The Sandman is walking down the corridor. He stops suddenly, then turns and looks around. He walks over to a big crate and looks behind it. He finds nothing, so walks off, looking confused. The camera watches him go, then turns, just in time to see a shadowy figure emerge from behind a different crate, and run off! The camera pans to follow the man and focuses in on a neon sign reading “We now we did this bit on the last show, but consider the intellect of our fan base.” (stupid EWR for not putting up a different stalking segment…grumble…)

Segment Rating: 73%

Second Round Singles Match in the XPW World Title Tourney

Supreme vs Chris Chetti:

Uninspiring brawling from Supreme. Weak headbutt on Chetti by Supreme. Running clothesline from Supreme, sloppily done. Supreme with a badly-executed spinning neckbreaker on Chetti. Chris Chetti reverses a hip toss. Chris Chetti hits a rolling kick on Supreme. Spinning bulldog in the corner, Supreme is down. Cover for a two count. Supreme powers out of a Chris Chetti headlock. Supreme hits a stump piledriver on Chris Chetti, although it was quite weak in its execution. Cover for a two count. Flapjack from Supreme on Chetti. Pin, but Chetti is out just before the three count. Chetti blocks the suplex attempt. Spinning back kick from Chris Chetti. Supreme pushes out of a Chris Chetti hold. Supreme hits a right hand on Chris Chetti. Chris Chetti is in trouble. Supreme Choke Slam! 1....2....3. Worth a ** rating, but no more than that

(Keith gives what sounds like a crappy match this show two stars and what sounded like a decent match on the last show a ½ star. He must be losing touch.)

Winner: Supreme

Overall Rating: 61%

Crowd Reaction: 55%

Match Quality: 68%

Second Round Match in the XPW World Title Tournament

The Sandman vs Kaos:

Uninspiring brawling from The Sandman. The Sandman hits some weak-looking punches. The Sandman hits a big clothesline, not of the 'from Hell' variety. Uninspiring brawling from The Sandman. Kaos takes the advantage after a i-block-your-punch-you-don't-block-mine routine. Hard back suplex on Sandman. Anyone remember when that was Shawn Michaels's finisher? Kaos crushes Sandman with a big legdrop. Cover for a two count. The Sandman powers out of a Kaos headlock. Powerslam from The Sandman on Kaos. Hooks the leg for a two count. Side suplex from Sandman. Shades of Dino Bravo there, although even Dino could execute it better than Sandman. Pin, but Kaos is out just before the three count. Kaos blocks the suplex attempt. Kick from Kaos to the leg. The Sandman powers out of a Kaos headlock. Uninspiring brawling from The Sandman. The Sandman moves in for the kill. DDT!!! That shook the ring. 1....2....3!! Kaos looks furious. The referee walks over...and gets blasted with a clothesline! Kaos has lost it! Almost a ** match, but not quite - *1\2 rating.

(He dissed Sandman by putting over Dino Brave…oooo, that hurts, it really does. Sandman drowns his sorrows in a keg of Natie Ice.)

Winner: The Sandman

Overall Rating: 58%

Crowd Reaction: 54%

Match Quality: 62%

First Blood Match for the XPW Deathmatch Title

Randy Orton vs Julio Dinero:

Dinero hits a wicked chop that echoes through the building. Second rope flying axe handle, Orton goes down. Flying elbow from Julio Dinero. Orton pushes out of a Julio Dinero hold. Massive backbreaker, Dinero got planted. Early reports indicate that the back was *not* actually broken, so the move's name should actually be backhurter. Julio Dinero pulls a mule kick out of nowhere. Flying reverse elbow by Julio Dinero. Springboard dropkick from Julio Dinero. Nicely done. Orton pushes out of a Julio Dinero hold. Orton hits a right hand. Dinero drops out the back of a Randy Orton bodyslam attempt. Flying elbow from Julio Dinero. Dinero picks up a chair. Randy Orton turns around...and gets smashed over the head with it! That has to be at least a 0. 1 on the Muta scale. The referee sees blood, and this match is over! Julio Dinero is still in the ring celebrating. Randy Orton pushes the referee away, then spins Dinero around! Randy Orton hits the Neckbreaker Drop! Julio Dinero has been floored after the match. Bland match, but i'll give it a * rating for not being too bad.

(I am so contemplating renaming Randy to Honky Tonk Orton. In rosier news, Dinero’s overness increases every time I use him. It’s like a rose growing the middle of a garbage scowl.)

Winner: Julio Dinero

Overall Rating: 54%

Crowd Reaction: 51%

Match Quality: 58%

Second Round Singles Match in the XPW World Title Tournament

Johnny Smith vs Chris Candido:

Johnny Smith snap suplexes Candido. Double arm suplex by Johnny Smith, Candido hits hard. Candido gets caught with a short powerbomb from Johnny. Big dropkick by Johnny Smith, who got good elevation. Chris Candido avoids a Johnny Smith avalanche. Candido hits a dropkick on Johnny Smith. Super kick by Chris Candido. There's a two count on the pin. Johnny counters an arm wringer with an elbow to the side of the head. Gutwrench into a stomach breaker, Candido may be winded. Hooks the leg for a two count. Devastating Tiger Driver 91 very nearly crushes the neck of Candido. Misawa is probably laughing with glee at the moment. Cover, but there's a last second kick-out. Candido blocks a kick from Johnny Smith. Chris Candido strikes Johnny. Johnny reverses a Chris Candido hammerlock. Candido tastes a high angle back suplex. It probably tasted like chicken. Johnny Smith ducks a Candido clothesline and does a quick roll up. Johnny has a handful of tights! The referee hasn't seen it: 1....2....3!! Kaos comes running down the aisle with a chair and into the ring! Candido turns...and is dropped by a vicious chair shot! Kaos has left Candido down and bloodied. Almost a *** rating, but there were some bits that dragged, so **3\4 instead.

(I just discovered that I actually have a Television title belt, even though I only have a half hour show on at three in the morning after that Sounds of the Sixties infomercial with Davy Jones and that clueless blonde chick he is so honing. Anyway, Kaos is my t.v. champ and putting him in a feud with Candido makes sense…at least in my world.)

Winner: Johnny Smith

Overall Rating: 73%

Crowd Reaction: 61%

Match Quality86%

Show Rating: 58%

Attendance: 341 inmates (we couldn’t even get PRISONERS to come watch the damn show in their backyard. So much for a captive audience.)

On Monday Nightmare: The finals for the XPW World Title! The “Boss” revealed (I’m seriously contemplating it this time.)!

December 12, 2002

XPW Monday Nightmare for January 27th, 2003

Live from a van down by the river

Hosts: Joey Styles and Terry Funk

Supreme supremes his way into Major Gunns’ office (read: a stall in the ladies bathroom) and criticizes her for her lack of math skills. It seems that she drew up the title brackets wrong and now Supreme gets a bye into the finals without an opponent to go against. Ah, but there is a last minute entrant into the tournament that Supreme has to face. She pulls down her top to reveal scribbled in crayon on her bosom TERRY FUNK! Yeah, Terry Funk, motherfucker! He beats Joey Styles senseless with a cookie sheet in celebration.

Segment Rating: 47%

Four Way Elimination First Round Jobbers Match

Webb vs Danny Doring vs Evan Karagias vs GQ Money:

Winner gets the first title shot at the new World Champion. Flying elbow from Evan Karagias, barely hitting the target. Kick from Evan Karagias to the leg. Hooks the leg for a two count. Tag between Evan Karagias and GQ Money. GQ slams Webb down. Big John Studd would be proud, no doubt. GQ Money with an enziguri, although the late Owen Hart's version was far superior. Pin : 1 - 2 - 2.9999999. GQ tags out to Danny Doring. Stun Gun from Danny Doring! There used to be this blonde guy in WCW in the early 90's who used that...i wonder what happened to him? Tag between Webb and Evan Karagias. Karagias hits a quick kick on Doring. Danny Doring pulls a mule kick out of nowhere. Death valley driver by Danny Doring, Evan Karagias got planted. Pin, three count, it's over. Danny Doring pins Karagias. Fallaway slam by Webb. Webb hits a stump piledriver on Danny Doring. Hooks the leg for a two count. Fallaway slam by Webb. Doring tags out to GQ Money. GQ hits a dropkick on Webb. 'Hit' may be an exaggeration, as it barely touched. GQ Money uses an armbreaker to take Webb down. Webb powers out of a headlock. Webb with a spinning neckbreaker on GQ. Spear! GQ is down and hurt. Pin, three count, it's over. Webb pins GQ. Webb hits a bulldog off the ropes. Massive lariat, apparently Webb has been watching The Best Of Stan Hansen again. Cover, but there's a last second kick-out. Doring blocks a kick from Webb. Danny Doring floors Webb...and climbs the turnbuckles. Through the air, Mamma Jamma Legdrop! 1....2....3. This one gets * rating and likes it.

(Hey, let’s take the cannon fodder from the first round of the title tourney and put them into a match so we can get cannon fodder for the new champion. Vince McMahon is calling me right now to offer me a job.)

Winner: Danny Doring

Overall Rating: 54%

Crowd Reaction: 43%

Match Quality: 66%

Third Round Singles Match in the XPW World Title Tournament

Supreme vs Terry Funk:

Terry Funk takes a right hand to the temple from Supreme. Supreme strikes Terry Funk. Supreme hits a right hand on Terry Funk. Funker takes a vertical suplex. Funker blocks the suplex attempt. Weak bodyslam on Supreme by Funker. Terry Funk DDTs Supreme, although it was hardly executed with pin-point precision. Hooks the leg for a two count. Supreme reverses a Terry Funk hammerlock. Supreme hits a bulldog off the ropes. There's a two count on the pin. Sloppy tornado punch from Supreme, Funker barely got hit. Pinfall attempt gets a 2.9999. Terry Funk takes the advantage after a i-block-your-punch-you-don't-block-mine routine. Supreme hits a punch, but takes one right back. CLUBBERIN', CLUBBERIN', THEY BE CLUBBERIN' TONY! Sorry, flashback moment. Supreme elbows Terry Funk in the face to break a hammerlock. Funker gets squashed in the corner with a clothesline. The referee watches as the two wrestlers go to the outside and start brawling around ringside. He completes a ten count, and they are still outside, having ignored the count. This match is over via double count out. I don't think the fight has finished. Supreme and Funker have begun brawling again! They wind up brawling all the way down the aisle and out of view. It was close to a ** match, but one too many blown spots knocks it down to a *1\2 rating.

(A draw in the semi-finals match of the title tournament. I guess it looks like Sandman vs. Smith will be for the World Title. My, how conveeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeenient.)

Winner: Kissing your Sister

Overall Rating: 60%

Crowd Reaction: 58%

Match Quality: 62%

Finals for the XPW World Title Tournament (big whoop)

The Sandman vs Johnny Smith:

Johnny Smith uses move #193 (arm-BAR). Back suplex on Sandman, which is a backdrop to you NOAH fans. Big dropkick by Johnny Smith, who got good elevation. Johnny Smith snap suplexes Sandman...with authority! ('With authority', trademark G.Monsoon 1986.) Johnny Smith misses a big legdrop after stalling too long. Incredibly weak powerslam on Johnny by Sandman. The Sandman hits a sloppy bulldog off the ropes. Cover for a two count. Johnny reverses a The Sandman hammerlock. Doctor Bomb, Sandman is hurt. Cover for a two count. Emerald Fusion by Johnny Smith on Sandman. Hooks the leg for a close fall. Sandman pushes out of a Johnny Smith hold. The Sandman hits a weak punch on Johnny Smith. Johnny blocks a punch. Johnny drives a thrust kick into the chest of Sandman. Lady Victoria is at ringside! Sandman wastes valuable time by yelling at Lady! Johnny Smith takes advantage of the distraction and nails Sandman from behind! The Sandman gets knocked to the ground by Johnny. The Sandman gets locked in the Leglock Submission! Submission victory! ** rating for this one. Perfectly Acceptable Wrestling.

(Could Smith be in cahoots with Lady Victoria and her mysterious boss? My, how conveeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeenient!)

Winner: Johnny Smith

Overall Rating: 65%

Crowd Reaction: 61%

Match Quality: 69%

Post match an exhausted and drunk Sandman rolls around in the ring in his own filth. An image flickers on the XPW-tron (read: an 18 inch Zenith propped up on a t.v. tray). A shaded figure tells Sandman that he fell into his trap perfectly, that Johnny Smith has been in his back pocket since the beginning and he will continue to wreak havoc on his life from the shadows. Unfortunately, one of our lighting guys hits the wrong button and the mystery man gets a face full of light to reveal…RAVEN! Joey Styles whips it out and starts beating off right there. Terry Funk returns to the commentator’s table and smacks him in the head with a cookie sheet to calm his ass down, its just Raven. (Like you didn’t see Raven coming when I trotted Steven Richards out.)

Segment Rating: 80%

Show Rating: 64%

t.v. rating: .15

Attendance: 150 drunks, 2 hobos and 1 drunk hobo

Next week: Gee, do you think RAVEN will be involved?

December 12, 2002

XPW Monday Nightmare for February 3, 2003

Live from the back of a flatbed trunk driving through Sana Monica

Hosts: Joey Styles and Terry Funk

The Sandman hits the ring to call out Raven and kill a six-pack of Pabst with a beer bong. Raven waltzes down to the ring and distracts The Sandman with the old “disappearing thumb trick” while a gaggle of goons rush Sandy from the audience. They lay him out and Raven stands on his battered chest with one foot (now that’s evil) to announce that he has arrived to destroy the Sandman and take over the XPW. The people behind him are just the ones to help him do it. The Nest is dust in the wind, the Flock is buried and the grave pissed on, this is the new originally named FLOCK-NEST! Featuring your Flock-Nest all-stars: Lady Victoria! Steven Richards(whose part will be played by a coat rack until he returns from injury)! American Wild Child! Shady! New World Champion Johnny Smith! And Juantastico who has changed in name in honor of the stable to….THE FLOCKNEST MONSTER! The whole Flock-Nest is going to be in action tonight, including Smith vs. Danny Doring and Raven vs. The Sandman. (How he can book all this stuff without the permission of Major Gunns I have no idea, maybe he blew Rob Black too.)

Segment Rating: 78%

Squash Match

FlockNest Monster vs The Drunk Irishman:

Standing leg lariat by FlockNest Monster on Irishman. Legsweep out of Nowhere. Where is Nowhere, and why do moves keep coming out of there? Does it have a factory? Hooks the leg for a two count. The Drunk Irishman takes the advantage after a i-block-your-punch-you-don't-block-mine routine. The Drunk Irishman strikes FlockNest Monster. Nesty hits a punch, but takes one right back. CLUBBERIN', CLUBBERIN', THEY BE CLUBBERIN' TONY! Sorry, flashback moment. The Drunk Irishman strikes FlockNest Monster. Nesty pushes out of a The Drunk Irishman hold. Nesty crushes Irishman with a big legdrop. FlockNest Monster has The Drunk Irishman down on the canvas and is ascending the corner. Moonsault!!! 1....2....3!! It's all over. FlockNest Monster gives a murderous look toward The Drunk Irishman...and attacks! Irishman gets dropped to the canvas, then battered with a barrage of rights and lefts. Nesty leaves the ring having left Irishman down and out. DUD.

(That sounds like a bad Japanese horror movie. Just a squash to put Nesty over. Maybe I should team Irishman with Sandman. Now, that’s a party. My first DUD too, and after a month in with the XPW that’s pretty decent.)

Winner: FlockNest Monster

Overall Rating: 40%

Crowd Reaction: 19%

Match Quality: 61%

Squash match 2: Electric Boogaloo

Alter Boys vs As Seen On TV:

Kick from Alter Boy Matthew to the leg. Driven DDT by Alter Boy Matthew. The ring shook violently, instantly making it better at selling than some of the current roster. Cover for a two count. American Wild Child ducks a clothesline attempt. Wild Child hits an arm drag on Matthew. American Wild Child hits a crap missile dropkick on Matthew. Tag between American Wild Child and Shady. Shady turns Matthew inside-out with a clothesline. Shady misses a big legdrop after stalling too long. Tag to Alter Boy Luke. Alter Boy Luke strikes Shady. Alter Boy Luke hits a rolling kick on Shady. There's a two count on the pin. Flying cross body off the top rope! I'll give a 0.8 on the Steamboat scale for that effort. Tag to Alter Boy Matthew. Shady walks into a face crusher variation. Pinfall attempt gets a 2.9999. Shady drops out the back of a Alter Boy Matthew bodyslam attempt. Alter Boy Matthew walks into a chop to the pecs. Tag to American Wild Child. Wild Child hits a spinning back kick. Lady Victoria has climbed up onto the apron! Matthew turns...and falls for the distraction! American Wild Child attacks Matthew from behind! American Wild Child has Alter Boy Matthew down on the canvas and is ascending the corner. Off the top - Wild Thing, forget about it. 1....2...3! As Seen On TV rush forward to attack! Alter Boys get caught by surprise and brutally beaten down to the canvas. Nothing worth seeing here, i'll give a 1\2 star rating because i'm generous.

(I’ve never heard of the Alter Boys and have no idea what their deal is, but considering their alter boys in the XPW I don’t want to know what their gimmick is. Ever. Never. Never ever never.)

Winner: As Seen on TV

Overall Rating: 47%

Crowd Reaction: 23%

Match Quality: 71%

XPW World Title Singles Match

Johnny Smith vs Danny Doring: Running knee lift from Danny Doring. Doring hits a stump piledriver on Johnny Smith. Cover for a two count. Johnny drops out the back of a Danny Doring bodyslam attempt. Big forearm by Johnny Smith, ripping a page from the NOAH playbook. Hard impact russian legsweep by Johnny. If you're going to get impact, 'hard' is probably a good way to go. Cover for a two count. Doring gets hit with a running splash mountain out of the corner. Hooks the leg for a close fall. Doring tastes a high angle back suplex. It probably tasted like chicken. Danny Doring powers out of a Johnny Smith headlock. Spinebuster by Danny Doring. There's a two count on the pin. Doring hits a great swinging DDT on Johnny Smith. Cover, but there's a last second kick-out. Danny Doring with a spinning neckbreaker on Johnny. Johnny takes a headbutt from Danny Doring. Danny Doring misses a big legdrop after stalling too long. Hard impact russian legsweep by Johnny. If you're going to get impact, 'hard' is probably a good way to go. Corkscrew brainbuster suplex, Johnny hit it well. Johnny Smith has Danny Doring down on the canvas. Danny Doring gets locked in the Leglock Submission! Submission victory! Danny Doring offers a handshake to Johnny...but he spits at Danny Doring and walks off! **1\2 rating. Perfectly Acceptable Wrestling.

(With all these squashes you’d think it was an old episode of Wrestling Challenge or something.)

Winner: Johnny Smith

Overall Rating: 69%

Crowd Reaction: 59%

Match Quality: 80%

The Sandman has come down to the ringside area. He climbs into the ring...but is too late to see Raven come out of nowhere with a chair shot to the head! And another! Sandman has been left down on the mat, holding his head. Looks like he has been lacerated quite badly, there is blood everywhere. Raven picks him up...Even Flow DDT onto the chair! With Sandman down and out, Raven wraps the chair around the ankle, then climbs to the second rope. He leaps...and Pillmanizes Sandman by hitting a flying stomp, closing the chair around his ankle! The Sandman rolls around in agony! Raven places the chair in flat in the center of the ring, then drags Sandman up. He brings Sandman up...then drives him down with a piledriver onto the chair! He sodomizes The Sandman with a tennis racket! (I added that one, but what’s the XPW without tennis racket sodomizing.) The Sandman has been left beaten to a pulp in the ring! As Raven leaves the ring, paramedics (read: winos we gave a white coat and a fifth of Mad Dog too) come running down to help Sandman. They load him onto a stretcher carefully, then take The Sandman out toward a waiting ambulance. (Swerved all your asses! Vince Russo would be proud.)

Segment Rating: 78%

Show Rating: 65%

t.v. rating: .15

Attendance: 155 (mostly hookers)

Next week: Hopefully less squashes! Hopefully less Flock-Nest sukitude! Hopefully good matches (yeah right)

December 13, 2002

i can't believe you would spend so much time to make fun of xpw, thats pathetic

December 13, 2002

I can't believe you spend so much time watching XPW, that's pathetic

December 13, 2002

It takes me about five minutes to book a show and fill in the other odd little bits to post here. If I'm going to be playing the game anyway, I might as well have fun with it. And lord knows I've never seen any XPW, that's probably why my booking is far superior to theirs. What should I do make fun of the WWE or the NWA? :shoots fish in a barrel:

December 13, 2002

X-P-W! X-P-W! X-P-W!

I mark for tennis racket sodomizing.

December 13, 2002

XPW Monday Nightmare for February 10, 2003

Live from up on Mullholand in a Winnebago

Hosts: Joey Styles and Terry Funk

Major Gunns comes out, looking battered and haggard, well more than usual. It turns out that Raven and the Flock-Nest kidnapped her last week and that’s why they were able to take over the show. She was held prisoner in a motel room by two buxom wenches in medieval garb with a vat of honey. Thankfully, she has tape of the incident in order to press charges and you can buy it off the XPW website for $19.95 plus shipping. Johnny Smith and Coat Rack Steven Richards charge the ring, but are cut off by a platoon of policemen (read: the winos we had dressed up like paramedics last week) and are hauled off to jail. Gunns bids the boys farewell and finishes by stating that Raven is banned from the XPW. (Because the WWE stole him from me. I can’t go a week without someone being taken and, of course, no one wants a written contract. Candido jumped ship too. Rob Black know there’s a conspiracy against him and he doesn’t like it one bit.)

Segment Rating: 47%

XPW Tag Team Title Match

Mexico's Most Wanted vs New Panthers:

Styles and Funk discuss whether the Mexicans are wearing real ponchos or Sears ponchos. Halloween uses a running dropkick into the corner. Tag to Raphael Muhammed. Halloween hits an arm drag on Muhammed. Tag to Damien 666. Damien 666 uses a running dropkick into the corner. Tag between Raphael Muhammed and Salid Jihad. Back heel kick from Damien on Jihad. Face-first suplex from Damien, but not done very well. Mexico's Most Wanted have Salid Jihad to themselves. Double Brainbuster! 1....2....3! It's over. Nothing worth seeing here, i'll give a 1\2 star rating because i'm generous.

(The Goths vs. the Militant Blacks. XPW: keeping the attitude era alive.)

Winners: Mexico’s Most Wanted

Overall Rating: 47%

Crowd Reaction: 32%

Match Quality: 62%

Ladder Match for the XPW Deathmatch Title

Julio Dinero vs Evan Karagias: Evan Karagias dives off the middle of the ladder with a clothesline. Badly executed second rope splash by Karagias. Karagias only gets knees on a splash. Spinning back kick from Julio Dinero. Second rope flying axe handle, Karagias goes down. HBK-style splash from the top of the ladder! Driven DDT by Julio Dinero. The ring shook violently, instantly making it better at selling than some of the current roster. Karagias ducks a wild right hand. Karagias, chanelling the power of Takada, hits a high kick on Julio Dinero. Diving headbutt from Karagias, not much elevation. Evan Karagias arm drags Dinero over. Evan Karagias with a whip into the ladder. Dinero blocks the suplex attempt. Karagias takes a flying neckbreaker from Julio Dinero. Tiger suplex on Karagias, right from out of the Misawa playbook. Evan Karagias can barely stand. Here it comes - Super Kick. Julio Dinero climbs the ladder and grabs the prize for the win. Randy Orton comes running down the aisle, and gets into the ring! Dinero turns around...straight into a Neckbreaker Drop!! Julio Dinero has been left down on the canvas. Bland match, but i'll give it a * rating for not being too bad.

(Isn’t it sad that nobody wants to steal Randy Orton as he’s the only high profile guy I have left outside of Steven Richards who’s injured and the Sandman who’s constantly drunk and surly.)

Winner: Julio Dinero

Overall Rating: 55%

Crowd Reaction: 47%

Match Quality: 64%

Kaos is in the ring. He was supposed to face Chris Candido tonight to defend the Television title, but Candido jumped to the NWA:TNA. Candido is a fucktard…blah, blah, blah. He gets handjobs from Jeff Jarrett…blah, blah, blah. He challenges anyone in the back…blah, blah, blah. Music we don’t know hits…blah, blah, blah. And out comes PERRY SATURN! Joey Styles rips off all his clothes and beats his head into the commentator’s table like that guy in the commercial for “8 Crazy Nights.”

Segment Rating: 62%

Singles Match for XPW Television Title

Perry Saturn vs Kaos(champion): Perry Saturn strikes Kaos. Kaos blocks a punch. Dropkick connects, Saturn goes down. Saturn reverses an irish whip...and Kaos runs into the referee. Saturn walks into a face crusher variation. Cover, but there's no one to count for Kaos. Saturn blocks a kick from Kaos. Perry Saturn with a spinning neckbreaker on Kaos. Perry Saturn hits a bulldog off the ropes. There's a two count on the pin. Spear! Kaos is down and hurt. Cover, but there's a last second kick-out. Kaos blocks the suplex attempt. Flying cross body off the top rope! I'll give a 0.8 on the Steamboat scale for that effort. Pinfall attempt gets a 2.9999. Perry Saturn avoids a Kaos avalanche. Perry Saturn has Kaos down on the canvas. Rings Of Saturn!!! Kaos taps out! The fight has started up again! Perry Saturn attacks Kaos, and they brawl all around ringside, then into the crowd! They eventually disappear backstage, still fighting. ** rating for this one. Perfectly Acceptable Wrestling.

(The “Perry Saturn being stolen” clock is wound up and ticking. Place your bets now, only in states where not prohibited.)

Winner: Perry Saturn (new champion)

Overall Rating: 61%

Crowd Reaction: 51%

Match Quality: 72%

Show Rating: 55%

t.v. rating: .15

Attendance: 151 guys named Bobby with a head like a potato.

Next Week: Major Gunns addressed the Flock-Nest situation! Randy Orton has an earth-shaking announcement! More guys will be stolen, to be replaced my more guys, who in turn will be stolen!

December 13, 2002

XPW Monday Nightmare for February 17, 2003

Live from an all night Laundromat in San Diego

Hosts: Joey Styles and Terry Funk

Major Gunns addresses the fans from her office (still a stall in the ladies room). Although Raven has been banned from the XPW, she will allow the rest of the Flock-Nest to stay if they toe the line. She will also not strip (wild pop from the crowd until they hear the rest of what she has to say) Johnny Smith of the World title, but is keen to get the belt off of him. She’ll give anyone who can defeat him tonight a free blowjob. Crickets chirp as she waits for someone to enter her office. Well…we also have this old mop lying in the corner…HELLO! Perry Saturn appears out of nowhere and takes the challenge.

Segment Rating: 58%

Hey, I Should Use these Guys Singles Match

Supreme vs Chris Chetti:

Stiff high kick on Supreme by Chris Chetti who has evidently been watching some old AJPW tapes recently. Dropkick connects, Supreme goes down. Driven DDT by Chris Chetti. The ring shook violently, instantly making it better at selling than some of the current roster. Second rope flying axe handle, Supreme goes down. Supreme counters a sleeper hold by turning it into a jaw breaker. Weak bodyslam on Chetti by Supreme. Big clothesline from Supreme. Cover for a two count. Chris Chetti avoids a Supreme avalanche. Lightning kick by Chetti on Supreme. There's a two count on the pin. Tiger suplex on Supreme, right from out of the Misawa playbook. Pin, but Supreme is out just before the three count. Supreme powers out of a headlock. Supreme strikes Chris Chetti. Chris Chetti powers out of a Supreme headlock. Second rope flying axe handle, Supreme goes down. Supreme slides out and grabs a chair! Chetti goes to climb out of the ring...and takes a chair to the head! The referee has no hesitation in calling for the bell! Disqualification. Supreme gives a murderous look toward Chris Chetti...and attacks! Chetti gets dropped to the canvas, then battered with a barrage of rights and lefts. Supreme picks him up...and launches him over the top rope to the outside. A small measure of revenge has been taken. I'm going to give this a ** rating because i'm in a generous mood.

(Man, that Supreme he’s…that Chetti when he…er…fuck it, I’ve got nothing.)

Winner: Chris Chetti by dq

Overall Rating: 61%

Crowd Reaction: 55%

Match Quality: 68%

Randy Orton is in the back with Kriss Kloss. He realizes that he hasn’t exactly set the XPW on fire (obviously, because he’s still here) nor been able to take the Deathmatch title off of Julio Dinero. However, tonight will be the night as he has chosen to emulate his idol and the true king of the deathmatch…THE HONKY TONK MAN! Orton slips on an Elvis jumpsuit and a pair of sunglasses and announces that he will be known as Honky Tonk Orton from this day forward. He then sodomizes Kloss with a tennis racket, because we haven’t done that in awhile.

Segment Rating: 60%

Falls Count Anywhere Match for the XPW Deathmatch Title

Julio Dinero (champion) vs Honky Tonk Orton: Hip toss onto a chair by Dinero. Dinero crushes Orton with a big legdrop. There's a two count on the pin. Orton blocks a kick from Julio Dinero. Dinero receives some punishment. Big backdrop on Dinero, executed well. Cover for a two count. Honky Tonk Orton uses a big bag of popcorn to floor Dinero. Pin, but Dinero is out just before the three count. Orton slams Julio Dinero down. They brawl to the outside and into the crowd. Honky Tonk Orton uses a headbutt on the outside. There's a two count on the pin. Big punch, Honky Tonk Orton nailed Dinero. They wind up back in the squared circle. Dinero backdrops Honky Tonk Orton out of a piledriver attempt. Flying reverse elbow by Julio Dinero. Cover for a two count. Power drive elbow by Julio Dinero. Pin : 1 - 2 - 2.9999999. Julio Dinero hits a rolling kick on Orton. Julio Dinero hits a dropkick off the table. Dinero drops an elbow...but misses. Fate can be so cruel. Back elbow connects, Dinero staggers backward. Honky Tonk Orton scores with a big spinebuster. Dinero scores with a forearm, sending Orton down into the corner. The referee pulls Julio Dinero away to get the break. Wait! Orton has pulled something out of his tights. Julio Dinero walks over...and gets floored by a punch! 1....2....3! The referee never saw the brass knuckles! I don't think the fight has finished. Julio Dinero and Orton have begun brawling again! They wind up brawling all the way down the aisle and out of view. It was close to a ** match, but one too many blown spots knocks it down to a *1\2 rating.

(So, it’s falls count anywhere, they’re using tables, chairs and the ever popular big bag of popcorn, but Orton tries to hide a pair of brass knuckles likes it’s cheating. Even Major Gunns is scratching her head over that one. Although, the urge to cheat is so strong that he has to pretend too even when it’s not possible is pretty Honky. You could read that last sentence totally out of context and fry your brain.)

Winner and new champion: Honky Tonk Orton

Overall Rating: 60%

Crowd Reaction: 58%

Match Quality: 63%

Singles Match for the XPW World Title

Johnny Smith (champion) vs Perry Saturn:

Perry Saturn with a spinning neckbreaker on Johnny. Johnny takes a hurrancarana from Perry Saturn. Cover for a two count. Saturn drops an elbow...but misses. Fate can be so cruel. Double arm suplex by Johnny Smith, Saturn hits hard. Johnny drives a thrust kick into the chest of Saturn. Hooks the leg for a two count. Blind lariat by Johnny, Saturn never saw it coming until it was too late. Pin : 1 - 2 - 2.9999999. Johnny Smith snap suplexes Saturn...with authority! ('With authority', trademark G.Monsoon 1986.) Saturn kicks Johnny Smith in the gut to reverse the momentum. Lightning kick by Saturn on Johnny. There's a two count on the pin. Tiger suplex on Johnny, right from out of the Misawa playbook. Pin : 1 - 2 - 2.9999999. Flying elbow from Perry Saturn. Perry Saturn fires off some right and left hands. Saturn drops an elbow...but misses. Fate can be so cruel. Gut buster, Saturn hits hard. Emerald Fusion by Johnny Smith on Saturn. Lady Victoria and Coat Rack Steven Richards has climbed up onto the apron! Saturn turns...and falls for the distraction (mainly because he thought the coat rack was a mop and it made him randy)! Johnny Smith attacks Saturn from behind! Johnny Smith has Perry Saturn down on the canvas. Perry Saturn gets locked in the Leglock Submission! Submission victory! Johnny \ Lady are beating down on Perry Saturn with Coat Rack Steven Richards! The music of The Sandman hits, and he comes running down the aisle into the ring. Johnny and Lady bail out of the ring, leaving Perry Saturn down in the ring. The Sandman may have saved Perry Saturn from a brutal beating. I'll give it a **1\2 rating.

(After the match, Sandman downs a case of Old Milwaukee and lets Saturn build a pyramid out of the cans to ease his sorrow over not winning the mop. The World Title was certainly secondary. Actually, it’s a little behind a women’s league bowling trophy in prestige of ownership.)

Winner: Johnny Smith

Overall Rating: 68%

Crowd Reaction: 56%

Match Quality: 81%

Show rating: 62%

t.v. rating: .15

attendance: 153 people who just wanted to do their laundry.

December 14, 2002

*marks out for 'in a van down by the river'*

great shit, m'man! and say what you want about Major Gunns, i'd do her.

December 14, 2002

This is awesome. How's your public image doing? Not that it really matters, but I'm just curious.

December 14, 2002

Glad I've got a couple more fans going here. I probably won't be able to post anymore until tomorrow. Which will be our big February show.

My public image is slowly on the rise actually. It started at 30% and is now at 36%. I think that's mainly because I don't have enough t.v. time to sink the ratings and I've kept costs down in just working with what I've already got on the roster. I'm playing on hard too.

December 15, 2002

We don’t beat around the bush in XPW, if there are blowjobs going on, we tell you about them in clear and simple language.

:lol:

this diary kicks ass, dear god keep writing

December 16, 2002

I don't know which caused me to laugh louder, the tennis racket sodomizing or the birth of the FLOCK-NEST MONSTER~! Good stuff, either way.

December 17, 2002

Please keep this alive

December 18, 2002

I'm going out of town for a few days and have been busy the past week. I'll definetly put up some new stuff this Friday night. I'm glad this is making a lot of people laugh as that was my intentions all along.

December 18, 2002

Excellent stuff man, keep it up. :cheers:

December 21, 2002

XPW My Bloody Valentine for February 23, 2003

Live from Golden Gate Park in San Francisco (at least until the cops catch us)

Hosts: Joey Styles and new commentator Sandy Finkel (It’s our Valentine’s Day Show, I figured why not give Joey a woman, but with a name like Finkel you have to wonder…)

For this show we have shelled out for state of the art pyrotechnics to accompany each wrestler to the ring (read: two referees standing next to the entrance with a sparkler in each hand).

Major Gunns comes out to the ring to rundown the card for the evening. Before she can say a single word (thank God), Lady Victoria jumps her from the crowd and that leads too…

Impromptu Bra and Panties Eye Candy T&A Not Really a Wrestling Match Match

Lady Victoria vs Major Gunns:

Chop from Gunns on Lady. Major Gunns uses some crappy looking kicks. Gunns hits a wheel kick on Lady. Lady Victoria reverses a hip toss. Lady hits a weak kick. Back heel kick from Lady on Gunns, missed by miles. Lady walks into a trip. Major Gunns with an enziguri. Lady Victoria can barely stand. Here it comes - Low Blow. Major Gunns strips Lady to her bra and panties for the win! Yuck. DUD.

(Look at those numbers below. 8% on the match quality, the gals had their working boots on tonight, boy howdy!)

Winner: Major Gunns

Overall Rating: 42%

Crowd Reaction: 58%

Match Quality: 8%

The Flock-Nest storm the ring post match and sodomize Major Gunns with Coat Rack Steven Richards (we couldn’t find the tennis racket). World Champion Johnny Smith announces that since Raven has been banned and Shady is injured and out for a year (seems a little….shady to me), the Flock-Nest need to expand their ranks to the ULTIMATE and have the perfect WARRIOR chosen to do that….SUPREME! (Man, I feel like Ole Anderson). He supremes down to the ring and talks about how he is going to supremely take the Flock-Nest to the supreme and supremely reign over this supreme wrestling federation to the supreme starting with supremely defeating The Sandman later tonight to the supreme.

Segment Rating 41%

Nobody Gives a Damn Opening Singles Match

GQ Money vs Evan Karagias:

GQ Money takes a knee lift from Karagias. Evan Karagias hits a crap missile dropkick on GQ. Hooks the leg for a two count. GQ powers out of a headlock. GQ suplexes Karagias to the canvas. Karagias takes a vertical suplex from GQ Money. Hooks the leg for a two count. Diving headbutt from GQ, not much elevation. Hooks the leg for a close fall. GQ Money with a badly-executed spinning neckbreaker on Karagias. Karagias counters a backdrop attempt with a kick to the face. Karagias, chanelling the power of Takada, hits a high kick on GQ Money. There's a two count on the pin. Evan Karagias blasts GQ with a rather-less-than-super kick. Pinfall attempt gets a 2.9999. Flying elbow from Evan Karagias, barely hitting the target. GQ takes a kick to the chest, and staggers back. Karagias drops an elbow...but misses. Fate can be so cruel. Face crusher from GQ on Karagias. GQ hits a badly done swinging DDT on Evan Karagias. Evan Karagias can barely stand. Here it comes - Neckbreaker Drop. 1....2...3, it's finished. Rating: 1\2 star.

(Kariagas lost overness, Money gained it. Guess who’s getting pushed and guess who’s getting buried.)

Winner: GQ Money

Overall Rating: 49%

Crowd Reaction: 35%

Match Quality: 63%

TLC Match for XPW Tag Team Titles

Alter Boys vs FN All Stars (Flock Nest Monster and American Wild Child) vs Mexico's Most Wanted vs New Panthers:

Damien hits a dropkick on American Wild Child. 'Hit' may be an exaggeration, as it barely touched. Back heel kick from Damien on Wild Child, missed by miles. Wild Child reverses a waistlock. Halloween hits a crap missile dropkick on Luke. Halloween only gets knees on a splash. Flying elbow from Alter Boy Luke. Muhammed slams Alter Boy Matthew onto the ladder. Raphael Muhammed scores with a poor standing spinebuster. American Wild Child strikes Matthew. American Wild Child arm drags Matthew over. Face slam on the table by Wild Child. Salid Jihad hits a sloppy double axe handle. Salid Jihad smashes a Playstation console over the head of Damien. Spinning back kick from FlockNest Monster. Nesty hits a face jam on Alter Boy Luke onto the ladder. Running table shot by Matthew, sending it into Muhammed. Springboard dropkick from Alter Boy Matthew. Nicely done. Damien 666 hits a table shot to the ribs. FN All Stars whip Luke into the ropes and hit a double backdrop. Halloween with an enziguri, although the late Owen Hart's version was far superior. Damien hits a face jam on FlockNest Monster onto the ladder. Damien 666 and Halloween set the ladder up and climb it, grabbing the prize for the victory. Nothing worth seeing here, i'll give a 1\2 star rating because i'm generous.

(We had a TLC match, because it was Valentine’s Day, get it? TLC? Well, Jay Leno thought it was a nice pun.)

Winner: Mexico’s Most Wanted

Overall Rating: 50%

Crowd Reaction: 30%

Match Quality: 70%

GQ Money and The Sandman stagger down to the ring. With the expansion of the Flock-Nest they have decided to expand their own stable, Enterprise, as well. (Who knew they had their own stable? I didn’t until about five minutes ago. And what kind of name is “Enterprise” for a wrestling stable. Does Rob Black have some kind of deal with William Shatner?…er…That’s as far as I’m willing to go on that train of thought). To make everything nice and neat, since The Sandman will be facing new FN member Supreme later tonight, World Champ Johnny Smith can be a MACHO MAN and take on their own SAVAGE, who’s feeling pretty RANDY….TERRY FUNK! Funk staggers down to the ring, not because he’s drunk, but because he’s crippled and smacks his new stablemates in the head with a cookie sheet. Which means “hello, you are my friend” in Funk-ese.

Segment Rating: 76%

Memphis Death Match for XPW Deathmatch Title

Danny Doring vs Honky Tonk Orton:

Winner has to piledrive their opponent on the floor, most likely leading to their imminent death. Danny Doring with a cane to the leg. Brainbuster suplex by Danny Doring, who apparently is in the mood to bust some brains. Orton pushes out of a Danny Doring hold. Stiff chop lights up Doring. Honky Tonk Orton with a spinning neckbreaker on Doring. Orton chair shots Danny Doring. Flying shoulder tackle by Orton sends Doring to the mat. Doring pushes out of a Honky Tonk Orton hold. Big piledriver on Orton (in the ring, because Doring is a dumbass). Danny Doring scores with a big spinebuster. Rude Awakening on Honky Tonk Orton by Doring. Back suplex through a table over the ropes takes it to the floor. Danny Doring gets taken down out of nowhere. Fallaway slam by Honky Tonk Orton. Brutal powerbomb on Doring. Honky Tonk Orton moves in for the kill. Piledriver on the unforgiving mat covered floor! Joey Styles gets on a cell phone and calls for a coroner. Julio Dinero comes running down the aisle with a chair and into the ring! Orton turns...and is dropped by a vicious chair shot! Julio Dinero has left Orton down and bloodied. I'm going to give this a ** rating because i'm in a generous mood.

Winner: Honky Tonk Orton

Overall Rating: 62%

Crowd Reaction: 69%

Match Quality: 55%

Supreme Grudge Match to the Supreme

Supreme vs The Sandman:

Incredibly weak powerslam on Supreme by Sandman. Sandman hits a stump piledriver on Supreme. Cover for a two count. Supreme backdrops The Sandman out of a piledriver attempt. Lame kick from Supreme. The Sandman takes a right hand to the temple from Supreme. Hooks the leg for a two count. Flapjack from Supreme on Sandman. Pin, but Sandman is out just before the three count. Big kick from Supreme. The Sandman elbows Supreme in the face to break a hammerlock. Big clothesline from Sandman. 'Big' because it missed by a big margin. There's a two count on the pin. Side suplex from Sandman. Shades of Dino Bravo there, although even Dino could execute it better than Sandman. Hooks the leg for a close fall. Punch by Sandman, missing Supreme by a good six inches. Sluggish brawling from Sandman. Supreme powers out of a headlock. Supreme hits a right hand on The Sandman. Supreme scores with a crappy looking standing spinebuster. The two competitors end up fighting to the outside of the ring. The referee tells them to bring it back in, but neither of them are listening. The ref tries again, and again they keep brawling. The referee completes a ten count, ending the match in a double count out! I don't think the fight has finished. Supreme and Sandman have begun brawling again! They wind up brawling all the way down the aisle and out of view. Almost a ** match, but not quite - *1\2 rating.

(Like either of those guys were going to job each other. However, with this finish are you not just jazzed to see them fight again? Huh? Aren’t ya’?)

Winner: NFL Single Overtime Rules

Overall Rating: 57%

Crowd Reaction: 59%

Match Quality: 55%

Singles Match for XPW Television Title

Perry Saturn vs Kaos:

Driven DDT by Kaos. The ring shook violently, instantly making it better at selling than some of the current roster. Saturn takes a hurrancarana from Kaos. Cover for a two count. Saturn counters a sleeper hold by turning it into a jaw breaker. Stiff chop lights up Kaos. Hard back suplex on Kaos. Anyone remember when that was Shawn Michaels's finisher? There's a two count on the pin. Death valley driver by Perry Saturn, Kaos is down and hurt. Pin, but Kaos is out just before the three count. Saturn uses a basement dropkick to the knee. Kaos comes up with a right hand out of nowhere. Flying cross body off the top rope! I'll give a 0.8 on the Steamboat scale for that effort. Hooks the leg for a two count. Back heel kick off the second rope, Saturn goes down. Pin : 1 - 2 - 2.9999999. Legsweep out of Nowhere. Where is Nowhere, and why do moves keep coming out of there? Does it have a factory? Kaos hits a massive spinning kick to the jaw. Saturn ducks a wild right hand. Fallaway slam by Perry Saturn. Tornado DDT from Perry Saturn, Kaos got planted. Kaos gets whipped into the corner by Saturn, who charges in with a clothesline. Kaos grabs the referee and pulls him in the way! The referee calls for the DQ as he collapses to the mat in pain. Kaos gets out of the ring and walks off, having taken the cheap way out. Perry Saturn is still in the ring celebrating. Kaos pushes the referee away, then slams Saturn down! Kaos climbs to the top rope and hits the Kaostrify! Perry Saturn has been knocked silly. Worth a ** rating, but no more than that. Kaos then knocks Saturn cold with the Moss Covered Three Handled Family Credenza. Not the move, but an actual credenza, which I believe is a cross between a vestibule and a davenport.

Winner: Perry Saturn

Overall Rating: 62%

Crowd Reaction: 51%

Match Quality: 73%

Singles Match for the XPW World Title

Johnny Smith vs Terry Funk:

Johnny Smith uses move #193 (arm-BAR). Back suplex on Funker, which is a backdrop to you NOAH fans. Funker gets caught with a short powerbomb from Johnny. Vertical suplex by Johnny Smith. Funker reverses a Johnny Smith hammerlock. Johnny Smith takes a right hand to the temple from Funker. Terry Funk hits a bulldog off the ropes. Hooks the leg for a two count. Johnny blocks the suplex attempt. Brutal T-Bone suplex by Johnny, Funker got folded in half. Cover for a two count. Funker gets hit with a running splash mountain out of the corner. Cover, but there's a last second kick-out. Funker blocks a kick from Johnny Smith. Weak headbutt on Johnny by Funker. Johnny blocks a punch. Hard impact russian legsweep by Johnny. If you're going to get impact, 'hard' is probably a good way to go. Supreme comes running down the aisle and into the ring! Terry Funk turns around.... Supreme Choke Slam!!! That shook the ring. Supreme leaves the ring, the damage done! Cover gets three. Johnny Smith pinned Funker. Johnny and Supreme are beating the hell out of Terry Funk! The Sandman sprints down the aisle and slides into the ring! He goes toe-to-toe with Johnny Smith, exchanging punches, while Terry Funk comes back, sending Supreme out of the ring with a clothesline. Sandman \ Funker have cleared the ring, driving off Johnny and Supreme! **1\2 rating for a decent contest.

(Sledgehammer of plot hopefully has everyone aware of who’s allied with who now, although that will most likely change after 8 more guys are stolen from me by Yankee Pro Wrestling.)

Winner: Johnny Smith

Overall Rating: 70%

Crowd Reaction: 66%

Match Quality: 75%

Joey tries to steal a kiss from Sandy as the show ends, but she punts the dweeb in the yaboos. One of the refs catch a bush in the park on fire with his sparkler and the Alter Boys worship it until The Sandman puts it out by pissing on it.

Show Rating: 59%

Attendance: 700 pigeons

December 21, 2002

Now *THIS* is an EWR Diary. Outstanding job

December 21, 2002

Frost, the exploits of the Flocknest Monster and Honky Tonk Orton have me literally laughing till I hurt. I think you've found a new gimmick.

December 21, 2002

XPW Monday Nightmare for February, 24th 2003

Live from the modest home of one Sam Wankowski residing in San Bernardino

Hosts: Joey Styles and Terry Funk (for the most part)

Singles Dark Match if We Had Such a Thing as Dark Matches:

Tazz’s Cousin Chris Chetti vs Scott Snot:

Incredibly weak headbutt on Chetti by Snot. Chris Chetti reverses a hip toss. Flying cross body off the top rope! I'll give a 0.8 on the Steamboat scale for that effort. Power drive elbow by Chris Chetti. Scott Snot is in trouble. Amityville Horror! 1....2....3. DUD.

(Scott Snot no sold everything and tanked the match. Guess who’s going to be picking up chicks tomorrow in the unemployment line? Hello, ladies! But, before we bid him a fond adieu, what kind of name is Scott Snot anyway? “Dude, we’ve got the perfect gimmick to get you over, we’re going to name you Snot. You’ll be the World Champion in no time.”

Winner: Tazz’s Cousin Chris Chetti

Overall Rating: 37%

Crowd Reaction: 35%

Match Quality: 40%

Enterprise is in the back with Sandy Finkel. Since The Sandman is always slurring drunk, Terry Funk likes to smack people with foreign objects and GQ Money can only speak in ebonics, they thought it was a good idea to hire a manager. They introduce the newest member of the Enterprise, T’Pol! (formerly Vanessa, we have her in a skin tight cat suit with fake rubber ears and everything.) The Sandman and GQ Money then argue over whether she is the “First Officer of Jack Daniels” or the “Subcommander of Backing that Ass Up.” Terry whacks them both with a frying pan to shut up.

Segment Rating: 73%

Let’s Push Julio Dinero Singles Match

Julio Dinero vs Webb:

Dinero hits a massive spinning kick to the jaw. Webb backdrops Julio Dinero out of a piledriver attempt. Chanelling the spirit of Misawa, Webb uses a forearm to the face. We have our mandatory ref bump, as he goes down after accidentally getting caught by an elbow to the face. Lifting DDT by Webb, looked good. Pinfall attempt, but the ref is conveniently laid out. Julio Dinero takes the advantage after a i-block-your-punch-you-don't-block-mine routine. Dinero uses a basement dropkick to the knee. Flying cross body off the top rope! I'll give a 0.8 on the Steamboat scale for that effort. Cover for a two count. Vicious kick to the teeth from Julio Dinero. Pin : 1 - 2 - 2.9999999. Dinero only gets knees on a splash. Big piledriver on Dinero. Hooks the leg for a close fall. Dinero blocks a kick from Webb. Julio Dinero moves in for the kill. Super Kick! 1....2....3. Webb has a temper tantrum, kicking the ropes and punching the turnbuckles. I'll give it a * rating for not being too bad.

(I still haven’t forgiven Webb for ditching his white trash ways. Be true to your roots damn it!)

Winner: Julio Dinero

Overall Rating: 54%

Crowd Reaction: 46%

Match Quality: 63%

Sandy Finkel corners Julio Dinero in the back after his match. Dinero swears to reclaim the Deathmatch title back off of Honky Tonk Orton or die trying, which would make him the first person to ever die in a deathmatch. He then ponders whether his name is infringing on GQ Money or if GQ Money is in infringing on him.

Segment Rating: 57%

Six Man it’s Breaking Loose in Tulsa Clusterfuck

Enterprise vs Flock-Nest:

GQ takes a back suplex. Gut buster, GQ hits hard. Johnny tags out to FlockNest Monster. GQ takes a flying neckbreaker from FlockNest Monster. GQ takes a hurrancarana from FlockNest Monster. There's a two count on the pin. Tag to Supreme. FlockNest Monster scoops up GQ. Supreme bounces off the ropes and hits a flying Hart Attack clothesline. Supreme strikes GQ Money. GQ Money powers out of a Supreme headlock. Supreme takes a right hand to the temple from GQ. Tag to The Sandman. The Sandman strikes Supreme. Side suplex from Sandman. Shades of Dino Bravo there, although even Dino could execute it better than Sandman. Pin : 1 - 2 - 2.9999999. Uninspiring brawling from The Sandman. Tag between The Sandman and Terry Funk. Uninspiring brawling from Terry Funk. Weak bodyslam on Supreme by Funker. Supreme elbows Terry Funk in the face to break a hammerlock. Supreme tags out to Johnny Smith. Johnny drives a thrust kick into the chest of Funker. Tag to GQ Money. Chop from GQ on Johnny. GQ only gets knees on a splash. Johnny Smith gets a roll-up...and grabs a handful of tights as well! The referee doesn't see it: 1....2...3!! This one gets * rating and likes it.

(T’Pol was going to interfere, but she didn’t think that was “ethical” or “logical.” Terry Funk then told her to “shove it.”)

Winner: Flock-Nest

Overall Rating: 55%

Crowd Reaction: 46%

Match Quality: 65%

Show Rating: 55%

TV Rating: same as it ever was

Attendance: 151 people asking themselves “How did I get here?”

December 21, 2002

XPW Monday Nightmare for March, 3rd 2003

Live from a muddy field in Baja

Hosts: Joey Styles and Terry Funk

FN All Stars vs new team Politically Incorrect (The Drunk Irishman and newcomer The Miserly Jew, formerly Shawn Candido): Nesty hits a wicked chop that echoes through the building. Spin kick by FlockNest Monster to the face. Hooks the leg for a two count. Tag to American Wild Child. FlockNest Monster scoops up Irishman. Wild Child bounces off the ropes and hits a flying Hart Attack clothesline. Hooks the leg for a two count. Irishman takes a chop from Wild Child. Irishman blocks a kick from American Wild Child. Powerslam from The Drunk Irishman on Wild Child. There's a two count on the pin. Irishman tags out to The Miserly Jew. The Miserly Jew hits a delayed suplex on Wild Child. Pin, but Wild Child is out just before the three count. The Miserly Jew arm drags Wild Child over. American Wild Child takes the advantage after a i-block-your-punch-you-don't-block-mine routine. Wild Child hits a spinning back kick. Tag to FlockNest Monster. Nesty hits a wicked chop that echoes through the building. Tag to The Drunk Irishman. Hard back suplex on Nesty. Anyone remember when that was Shawn Michaels's finisher? Politically Incorrect go to set up their finisher, Aborting the Fetus (for the sake argument let’s call it a cradle piledriver with a spike coming off the second rope). Wild Child cheapshots MJ from the apron behind the ref’s back, allowing Nesty to use a roll up, with feet on the second rope! The referee hasn't seen it: 1....2....3!! FN All Stars rush forward to attack! Politically Incorrect get caught by surprise and brutally beaten down to the canvas. DUD.

(Sorry if the above concept offends anyone, but I hope you can see that I’m making fun of political correctness and stereotypes. If you can’t, we’re XPW so tough nachos.)

Winners: FN All Stars

Overall Rating: 39%

Crowd Reaction: 22%

Match Quality: 56%

T’Pol is in the back with Sandy Finkel. Lady Victoria has challenged her to a bikini contest later in the night. Her people are not familiar with the timed honored Earth combat that is the bikini contest, so she has enlisted GQ Money’s help. He not only picked out her bathing suit, but assures her that “damn you is fine bitch.”

Segment Rating: 69% (69, yeah baby)

Speaking of GQ Money Singles Match for Television Title Number One Contendership

GQ Money vs Kaos:

GQ walks into a high dropkick from Kaos. GQ walks into a high dropkick from Kaos. (sorry tape got stuck) Kaos uses a basement dropkick to the knee. Spin kick by Kaos to the face. Kaos misses a big legdrop after stalling too long. GQ slams Kaos down. Big John Studd would be proud, no doubt. Suplex into a front slam from GQ, but the execution was crap. Cover for a two count. Kaos powers out of a headlock. Lightning kick by Kaos on GQ. There's a two count on the pin. Vicious kick to the teeth from Kaos. Hooks the leg for a close fall. GQ Money avoids a Kaos avalanche. Kaos walks into a chop to the pecs. Kaos kicks GQ Money in the gut to reverse the momentum. Kaos hits a dropkick on GQ Money. GQ Money gets knocked to the ground by Kaos, who is already climbing the turnbuckle. Through the air, Kaostrify! 1....2....3. Kaos is still in the ring celebrating. GQ Money pushes the referee away, then slams Kaos down! GQ Money climbs to the top rope and hits the Money Shot! Kaos has been knocked silly. I'll give it a * rating for not being too bad.

(my writers suggest I should de-push GQ Money and the Enterprise is going to need a “red shirt” anyway to do all their jobbing.)

Winner: Kaos

Overall Rating: 52%

Crowd Reaction: 35%

Match Quality: 69% (69, no baby)

Tazz’s Cousin Chris Chetti hosts the festivities for the bikini contest. Why? Because he’s Tazz’s Cousin Chris Chetti, that’s why. Lady Victoria disrobes first to reveal a tasteful red retro number, very Beach Blanket Bingo. T’Pol unveils a string of dental floss wrapped around her waist and two tea bags taped to her nipples. Folks, we have a winner. Lady Victoria attacks T’Pol and gives her one hell of a wedgie with the dental floss and then dips her breasts in hot water.

Segment Rating: 50%

Let’s Try to Save the Show Singles Match for the XPW World Title

Johnny Smith vs Julio Diner:

Johnny drives a forearm into the chest of Dinero. Double arm suplex by Johnny Smith, Dinero hits hard. Big dropkick by Johnny Smith, who got good elevation. Hard impact russian legsweep by Johnny. If you're going to get impact, 'hard' is probably a good way to go. Dinero counters a backdrop attempt with a kick to the face. Julio Dinero hits a rolling kick on Johnny. Flying reverse elbow by Julio Dinero. Cover for a two count. Johnny Smith comes up with a right hand out of nowhere. Brutal T-Bone suplex by Johnny, Dinero got folded in half. There's a two count on the pin. Burning Hammer Drop from Johnny Smith, executed with perfect brutally. Pinfall attempt gets a 2.9999. Dinero pushes out of a Johnny Smith hold. Stiff high kick on Johnny by Julio Dinero who has evidently been watching some old AJPW tapes recently. Johnny reverses a Julio Dinero hammerlock. Johnny Smith snap suplexes Dinero...with authority! ('With authority', trademark G.Monsoon 1986.) Johnny Smith floors Dinero near the ropes and makes the pin. Johnny is using the ropes for leverage! The referee hasn't seen it: 1....2....3!! Honky Tonk Orton comes running down the aisle, and gets into the ring! Dinero turns around...straight into a Neckbreaker Drop!! Julio Dinero has been left down on the canvas. I'm going to give this a ** rating because i'm in a generous mood.

(That folks is most likely your XPW match of the year and it’s only March.)

Winner: Johnny Smith

Overall Rating: 63%

Crowd Reaction: 50%

Match Quality: 76%

Show Rating: 56%

TV Rating: .15

Attendance: 157 Baja Men (none admitted to letting the dogs out)

Special Note: Comcast has given us a second television show and in prime time no less. Suckers! Tomorrow afternoon, be on the look out for the debut of "XPW Wednesday Wet Dream."

December 22, 2002

Dinero isn’t too happy with the Honky Ton…er, he means Orton jumping him a few weeks ago. Orton goes to chew him out, but then realizes that he’s in the XPW and starts crying.

Featuring your Flock-Nest all-stars: Lady Victoria! Steven Richards(whose part will be played by a coat rack until he returns from injury)!

However, tonight will be the night as he has chosen to emulate his idol and the true king of the deathmatch…THE HONKY TONK MAN! Orton slips on an Elvis jumpsuit and a pair of sunglasses and announces that he will be known as Honky Tonk Orton from this day forward.

LMAO!

December 22, 2002

XPW Wednesday Wet Dream for March, 5th 2003

Taped Live from the Comcast Studios in Comcastlevania

Hosts: Joey Styles and Sandy Finkel

Commissioner Major Gunns comes out to the ring to welcome everyone to the first episode of XPW Wednesday Wet Dream. Before she can run down the card, our running gag kicks in and Lady Victoria interrupts her. She is upset about losing the bikini contest to T’Pol on Monday and wants a chance to redeem herself by challenging Gunns to a bikini showdown…RIGH NOW! Major Gunns declines, as she is not wearing a bikini under her clothes. Well, that’s just too damn bad as Victoria strips her to her underwear and sodomizes her with a tennis racket. I know that bit is getting old, but I want all 8 Comcast subscribers to know exactly what they’re getting.

Segment Rating: 59%

Let’s Offend as Many People as Possible Right off the Bat Tag Match

Politically Incorrect vs New Panthers:

Before the match, both teams meet in the center of the ring, join hands and sing “We Shall Overcome.” Muhammed receives some unexciting punishment. Hard impact russian legsweep by MJ. If you're going to get impact, 'hard' is probably a good way to go. There's a two count on the pin. Raphael Muhammed fights out of a grapple. MJ takes a vertical suplex. Raphael Muhammed hits a sloppy double axe handle. Tag to Salid Jihad. Salid Jihad turns MJ inside-out with a clothesline. MJ counters an avalanche with a raised foot to the face. MJ tags out to The Drunk Irishman. Weak headbutt on Jihad by Irishman. Big kick from Irishman. Hooks the leg for a two count. Big clothesline from Irishman. Irishman tags out to The Miserly Jew. Front legsweep slam by The Miserly Jew, hit with precision. Pin : 1 - 2 - 2.9999999. Salid Jihad takes the advantage after a i-block-your-punch-you-don't-block-mine routine. The Miserly Jew takes a right hand to the temple from Jihad. Tag to Raphael Muhammed. Big kick from Muhammed. Raphael Muhammed misses a clothesline...and takes out the referee by mistake. The Miserly Jew knocks Muhammed to the outside, then signals for the Shooting Star of David Press. He reaches out of the ring for Raphael Muhammed...and gets clobbered with the ring bell! Right to the head! The referee wakes up to see Muhammed sliding in and making the pinfall: 1....2....3! Forget about it. Welcome to DUDville, please drive carefully.

(I like how the Miserly Jew’s shortname is MJ, because I don’t think I would be comfortable with just calling a guy “Jew.” And I can’t believe that Keith didn’t give us any dap for a finisher known as the “Shooting Star of David Press.”)

Winners: New Panthers

Overall Rating: 38%

Crowd Reaction: 21%

Match Quality: 56%

Kriss Kloss (who will make you jump jump) is in the back with T’Pol, The Sandman and Terry Funk. Her boys are going to face Supreme and Johnny Smith in a tag match later tonight. T’Pol says something about just taking the third man out of the six man tag main event from Monday’s show and basically doing the same match tonight was “illogical,” but her mic got cut off. She is also “displeased” with Lady Victoria attacking her after their bikini contest on Nightmare. Mainly because the Enterprise guys tried the tea made from dipping her breasts in hot water and now she has to dip her breasts in tea every time they drink some. You wouldn’t think The Sandman is a big tea drinker, but he can surprise you when hooters are involved.

Segment Rating: 70%

I Should Probably Use These Guys Time Filler Singles Match

El Mosca De La Merced vs American Wild Child:

El Mosca De La Merced strikes Wild Child. Wild Child counters a sleeper hold by turning it into a jaw breaker. Wild Child hits an arm drag on Mosca. American Wild Child misses a clothesline...and takes out the referee by mistake. Slingshot clothesline by Wild Child, who almost messed it up by slipping on the ropes. Pinfall attempt, but the ref is conveniently laid out. American Wild Child misses a clothesline. Flying elbow from El Mosca De La Merced. Super kick by El Mosca De La Merced. There's a two count on the pin. Vicious kick to the teeth from El Mosca De La Merced. Cover, but there's a last second kick-out. Wild Child counters a backdrop attempt with a kick to the face. Back heel kick from Wild Child on Mosca. Pin : 1 - 2 - 2.9999999. Mosca backdrops American Wild Child out of a piledriver attempt. Damien 666 comes running down the aisle and into the ring! American Wild Child turns around.... and gets floored! Damien 666 climbs the turnbuckles. Off the top - Moonsault!!! Damien leaves the ring, the damage done! Pin, three count, it's over. El Mosca De La Merced pins Wild Child. Damien 666 remains in the ring. American Wild Child pushes the referee away, then slams Damien down! American Wild Child climbs to the top rope and hits the Wild Thing! Damien 666 has been knocked silly. Rating: 1\2 star.

(It’s been a while since my high school Spanish classes, but I believe El Mosca De La Merced roughly translates to “shit bringing angel of shit.” I could be wrong on that though.)

Winner: Long named Mexican guy

Overall Rating: 47%

Crowd Reaction: 28%

Match Quality: 66%

Perry Saturn is hanging out in the janitor’s closet trying to pick up a date for after the show. Kaos storms in and slams Saturn in the crotch with a ball bat marked “Gonad Whammer” on the handle. He rives in pain while all the mops try to hook up with SOS pads.

Segment Rating: 61%

Four-way Dance of Death for a Shot at the DeathMatch Title of Death Match:

Tazz’s Cousin Chris Chetti vs Evan Karagias vs Danny Doring vs Webb:

Karagias hits a flying kick on Webb. Webb takes a chop from Karagias. Hooks the leg for a two count. Tag to Danny Doring. Fallaway slam by Danny Doring. Danny Doring scores with a big spinebuster. Pin, but Webb is out just before the three count. Doring tags out to Chris Chetti. Flying elbow from Chris Chetti. Webb tags out to Evan Karagias. Karagias hits an arm drag on Chetti. Chetti counters a backdrop attempt with a kick to the face. Springboard dropkick from Chris Chetti. Nicely done. Pin, three count, it's over. Chris Chetti pins Karagias. Fallaway slam by Webb. Spear by Webb. There's a two count on the pin. Running knee lift from Webb. Chetti tags out to Danny Doring. Flying shoulder tackle by Doring sends Webb to the mat. Fallaway slam by Danny Doring. Webb comes up with a right hand out of nowhere. Webb slams Danny Doring down. Webb scores with a standing spinebuster. Pin : 1 - 2- 3. Webb defeats Doring. Webb hits a bulldog off the ropes. Powerbomb on Chetti. Pin, but Chetti is out just before the three count. Webb drops an elbow...but misses. Fate can be so cruel. Webb can barely stand. Here it comes – ChettiMission. 1....2...3, it's finished. I'll give it a *1\2 rating.

(What strikes me most about this whole Tazz’s Cousin Chris Chetti idea, is that the WWE would actually come up with something like that and then be confused when it didn’t get him over.)

Winner: Tazz’s Cousin Chris Chetti

Overall Rating: 59%

Crowd Reaction: 52%

Match Quality: 67%

Honky Tonk Orton learns from Kriss Kloss (who will make you jump jump) that he will be facing Tazz’s Cousin Chris Chetti this Monday for the Deathmatch title. Orton would have watched the previous match, but he had underage girls feeding him deep fried pickles diverting his attention.

Segment Rating: 60%

Kaos is chilling in his locker room, trying to figure out how to work “Kaos theory” into a promo. There’s a knock on the door.

Kaos: “Who is it?”

Saturn: “It’s Perry Saturn, I’ve come to beat you with a ladder.”

Kaos: “Then I’m not going to let you in.”

Saturn: “Er…uh…candy-gram.”

Kaos: “I don’t think so.”

Saturn: “Er…uh…land shark.”

Kaos: “Cool!”

Kaos opens the door and Saturn cold cocks him with a ladder. D’oh. Perry then makes out with the ladder.

Segment Rating: 56%

XPW Television Title Match

Perry Saturn vs Kaos:

Thank God for commercial breaks. Saturn hits a massive spinning kick to the jaw. Kaos fights out of a grapple. Dropkick connects, Saturn goes down. Perry Saturn charges, Kaos moves, and the referee is conveniently placed to get knocked out. Tiger suplex on Saturn, right from out of the Misawa playbook. Cover, but there's no one to count for Kaos. Saturn powers out of a headlock. Big backdrop on Kaos, executed well. Saturn crushes Kaos with a big legdrop. Hooks the leg for a two count. Kaos walks into a face crusher variation. Pin : 1 - 2 - 2.9999999. Kaos reverses a waistlock. Kaos crushes Saturn with a big legdrop. Pinfall attempt gets a 2.9999. Perry Saturn avoids a Kaos avalanche. Perry Saturn has Kaos down on the canvas. Kaos gets locked in the Rings Of Saturn! Submission victory! The fight has started up again! Perry Saturn attacks Kaos, and they brawl all around ringside, then into the crowd! They eventually disappear backstage, still fighting. Worth a ** rating, but no more than that.

(I’m noticing that I’m getting decent matches, but the crowd reaction is just killing my overall rating. However, I can see where fans wouldn’t really be all that excited.)

Winner: Perry Saturn

Overall Rating: 63%

Crowd Reaction: 54%

Match Quality: 73%

Kriss Kloss (who will make you jump jump) now has Lady Victoria, Coat Rack Steven Richards, Johnny Smith and Supreme for an interview. They vow to destroy Enterprise like they were Ricardo Montalban with a fake rubber chest. Lady Victoria is also peeved that tea she has dipped her breasts in isn’t as popular as T’Pol’s. Johnny Smith assures her that you can really taste the breast though. Supreme just stands there and blurts “Supreme” at random intervals like he was Timmy from South Park.

Segment Rating: 50%

Johnny \ Supreme vs Funker \ Sandman : Uninspiring brawling from The Sandman. Terry Funk turns Johnny inside-out with a clothesline. Funker \ Sandman whip Supreme into the corner. Terry Funk whips The Sandman in for a hard clothesline to follow-up. Sandman rams Johnny into a table. Supreme counters an arm wringer with an elbow to the side of the head. The Sandman takes a butterfly suplex from Johnny. Johnny Smith uses the table as a battering ram. Side suplex from Supreme. Johnny Smith snap suplexes Sandman. Nesty \ Lady come running down the aisle with chairs! Johnny whips The Sandman into the ropes. Nesty jumps onto the apron with the chair! Collision between Nesty, Sandman, and the chair! The Sandman falls to the canvas. Johnny Smith floors The Sandman. Here it comes...Leglock Submission! The Sandman taps! Nesty \ Lady signal for the Super Bomb! From the crowd come GQ \ T'Pol, and they look ready for action! They slide in and start brawling with Nesty \ Lady! It only lasts a few moments before Nesty \ Lady bail out of the ring and head for the backstage area, looking furious. GQ \ T'Pol remain in the ring, having gotten the upper hand this time. Worth a ** rating, but no more than that.

(I think that seeing Lady Victoria hitting a super powerbomb on The Sandman would be worth the price of admission alone. I just couldn’t sleep tonight if I didn’t finish up with the sport entertainment giant clusterfuck finish.)

Winners: Smith and Supreme (in the long run, nobody)

Overall Rating: 61%

Crowd Reaction: 58%

Match Quality: 65%

Show Rating: 57%

TV Rating: .56

Attendance: 158 cardboard cutouts of actual people

And if you though that Monday Nightmare sucked before, just wait until you see it now that we have a primetime show on another network. You’d rather be watching reruns of WWF Shotgun, which is actually our new tagline for the show.

Side note: Steven Richards is losing morale by the day. He’s down to 23% or so and won’t be back off the injured list for another 31/2 months. I don’t know what to do with him. In real life, Rob Black would just throw him some hookers, some crack and some hookers on crack and everything would be jake.

EWR Diary for XPW

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