What I wrote for the DVDVR #139.

[Guest DEAN RASMUSSEN]

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YOSHIHIRO TAKAYAMA vs. MASA CHONO, TAKAYAMA vs. OSAMU NISHIMURA, TAKAYAMA vs. KAZUYUKI FUJITA, TAKAYAMA vs. MITSUHARA MISAWA, TAKAYAMA vs. DON FRYE, TAKAYAMA vs. YUJI NAGATA, TAKAYAMA vs. YUTAKA YOSHIE - a Round Table Discussion

(by DEAN RASMUSSEN,TOM KARRO-GASSNER, PHIL SCHNEIDER, PHIL RIPPA)

 

DR: Dean Rasmussen

PR: Phil Rippa

TKG: Tom Karro-Gassner

PS: Phil Schneider

 

DR: I'm assuming that Takayama went from suck-ass half-assed shootstylist to Lord God king of Puroresu while having a thousand matches as part of team No Fear. I know he was getting real good at old school tags and I think his grasp of fundamental psychology coincided with his rise as a legit shoot fighter. All this kinda coalesced into the astoundingly fun wrestler that is currently producing the best wrestling matches in the world. I've thrown out the higher profile matches of the last year and between the Phils (Schneider and Rippa) Tom K and myself- we've seen all of them (Tom K and Phil have actually seen ALL of them. Phil hasn't sent me the Nagata match and I opted against watching the Misawa for DVDVR 500 time constraint reasons and then I loaned the tape out and you know the drill) and I do know that none of share the same feeling on the best of the lot and I figured y'all- the gentle readers- would want the full spectrum of thought on the impressive body of work Takayama has produced this year so I have made this a Roundtable Discussion. I'm sure my fellow esteemed and dusted playaz will throw other matches from the Takayama big run to further expound on his strangely great string of matches. Schneider thought that the Nishimura match was the best because it was a full-blown Nishimura Dory Funk Old School match and Takayama was hanging with Nishimura doing non-shootstyle matwork and selling all 1974 to make the match a true Nishimura match. See, that's the key to Takayama now, he knows the strength of his opponent and builds the match around it. That's why the Nishimura match isn't my favorite. My favorite is the motherfucking balls out Chono match- because the strength of Chono right now is that he is a the crippled version of Jerry Lawler in Memphis- the ass-kicker who is 95% punches and psychology at this point. The thing that Takayama brings to the table in this match is that Chono can just tee off and move the match along by punching to transition and it looks legit because it is legit punches that are working Chono back to his basic leg attack. Tom was the one that pointed out the masterful selling of the leg by to take it all way to greatness. I was too dazzled by Chono actually looking like he was ready to deliver in a big match and this was one of the best G-1 Climax matches I've ever seen. I would say that Chono fired up had a lot to do with the match being so good, but it was also Takayama leaning into the kicks and punches like a fucking MAN and his selling of said ass-beating. I think both were really good matches and both were a pretty big pinnacle of Old School Pro Style and Southern Ass-Stomping- but I prefer Southern Ass-Stomping over about anything else in wrestling and Chono vs. Takayama was fucking about great as that style of match can get.

 

PR: I will let Phil and Tom do most of the heavy lifting for the Chono/Takayama match but I will say that I have pretty much always been an unabashed Chono mark so I was probably the most up for this match. He also had a bunch of enjoyable matches through the entire G1 climax that had no right to be as enjoyable as they were. I also will take Yakuza kicks and the STF over the fistdrop, strap drop and piledriver combo any day. Fuck, I know this is supposed to be a big celebration of Takayama but I want to give Chono some credit too as he took the king sized of king sized beatings in the match. Don’t believe me? Go watch the flurry of knees in the corner again. Also, I took perverse enjoyment in the shots of an annoyed Inoki as these two beat the hell out of each other and the fired up crowd being all about the match.

 

DR: I was oversold on the Fujita fight from the Crossroads tape- as it really pales in comparison to the other matches on that card, but it was still a perfectly fine UWFi heavyweight match- with both of these guys not afraid to let the other beat the life out of the other. Fujita is really limited in Pro Style and it didn't have near the fury of the fun fun fun Frye vs. Takayama shootfight from Pride. That's the problem you run into with this Inokiization of New Japan- the shootstyle worked matches always run the risk of getting smoked by non-worked matches.

 

TKG: I actually haven't seen the Takayama vs. Frye shoot match. So send that my way already.

 

PAS: Let me chime in as well with praise for Chono vs. Takayama. This is probably the best Chono singles match I have ever seen, which is amazing considering how busted up Chono is physically. The great thing bout Takayama is that he seems to really be able to figure out his opponent's strengths and work a match based around those strengths. Nakanishi can take a beating but has some shitty offense, so we will stiff each other and I will counter all of his offense in really great ways; Sasaki and Fujita are limited brawlers, lets work some really great brawls. Misawa and Chono have signature spots and are crazy over, I will base a match around those big spots, sell huge for them and work like a monster. After watching the Misawa and Chono match, I get the sense that Takayama could have a really great match with Austin or Helsmley or even Undertaker. My favorite Takayama match was a real shining example of that versatility.

 

TKG: I really did like the Chono match. Liked it a lot. I still think Dean is oversold on Chono in that. When Dean called with G1 Day 2, he asked me whether I thought he should watch Tenzan vs. Chono and I emphatically said YES. So Dean watched the match, cursing at me over the phone. It's a really really mediocre match and exposes the limitations of both guys. Chono's had a recent string of long good impressive matches (the Broadway tags and the singles with Nagata). In these matches like the Tenzan match, you believe that Chono can win because... well, you know wrestling is worked and he's over and whatnot. The matches are neat theoretical exercises...lets see how long Chono and Nagata can work this. But at no point do you really believe that Chono is a guy who can LEGIT beat his opponent; Nagata and Tenzan seem to be working half speed to work him and its fun and all to pop for Chono psyche but you don't buy it. Takayama makes you believe that Chono's threat is real and it never looks like Takayama is pulling anything or slowing down for Chono. The rep on Takayama is that he's a never say die punching bag- and that might be true for his shoot work- but in actual pro style match he's so much more than a punching bag. It's all about his selling and his offense. Sasaki and Tenzan both work much looser than Takayama but he makes all their offense seem super deadly by the way he sells. He makes you believe that Chono can beat him, that Chono is a legit threat. Takayama makes you believe in his opponents. Takayama sells for Chono's STF like nobody's business- he fights and fights and struggles to escape it and he makes you believe that the STF is legit that it can legit weaken a man. The STF saps Takayama's strength, leaving him vulnerable to the Yakuza kicks. And watching it you BELIEVE in the STF and you believe in Chono. The Chono match is a spectacular match with the whole top NJ guy vs. outsider atmosphere. For a AJ trained guy vs. a really over but crippled NJ star, it smokes every Kawada vs. Muto match.

 

All that said, it's not my favorite Takayama match from this year. My favorite match was the Takayama vs. Nakanishi (6/7/02). A good portion of the match is filled with the two big guys chopping the fuck out of each other's chests. That will always make the Ronnie Garvin mark in me smile. Nakanishi chops Takayama red, while Takayama just kicks the holy hell out of Nakanishi. However, the match isn't built around these exchanges. The match is built around Takayama trying to find counters and escapes from Nakanishi's offense. Nakanishi is a big Hoss who can chop hard and has some nice suplexes. He also has some really shitty offense. He has a less than mediocre spear (think valet spear at your local indy), a claw and a torture rack. I happen to like Argentine backbreaker and think if the opponents draped properly it can look nasty. That said, Nakanishi's backbreaker is Lugerish- with the opponent laying straight like he's about to be airplane spun. It becomes less an offensive move and more a neat Festuvus stunt. Again, Takayama makes you believe in his opponents. Takayama fights for and out of German suplexes. It's amusing to see a single German be so meaningful when there must be thirty meaningless Germans in every Smackdown tag. Nakanishi goes for a spear and Takayama counters it with a knee to the face and the crowd oos. The counters makes the move meaningful, I believe in the threat of the spear because of Takayama's escape- if only he hits the spear, he can get him. When Nakanishi goes for the claw, Takayama counters it into a cross-armbreaker, Takayama counters the torture rack into a front choke bulldog and suddenly I look at all of Nakanishi's offense in a new light. Takayma's counters and selling make Nakanishi look great. The match essentially ends when Nakanishi makes another attempt at the spear. The crowd understands that the spear is a make or miss move here. Has Takayama been weakened enough that he won't be able to counter it? And Takayama sapped of some of his strength is just barely able to counter it again. Nakanishi doesn't come out of this looking weak at all. He may actually come out looking stronger than he did coming in. I walk away with the story telegraphed, if only he had weakened Takayama enough to hit that spear... It's just a really deep, beautiful match.

 

PR: For the longest time Takayama/Nakanishi was my favorite match of the moment. Then the last minute crush of 500 tapes came in and I watched Takayama/Yoshie. Yes, you read that right – Yoshie. I feel like Dean in 1995. Lumpy Heayweights Baby!!! I might as well just start talking about how great Tommy Dreamer and Jeff Jarrett are going to be. If it starts to burn when I pee, then the transformation will be complete. This is nowhere near as good of a “wrestling” match as any of the other Takayama matches we have mentioned but damn if it isn’t the greatest example of a Takayama carry job. You will sit there and revel in the greatest Billy Mayes con job wondering when the fuck Yoshie became the greatest wrestler that you don’t have enough footage off. Takayama calls the entire match, which is basically a lot of him motioning to Yoshie to hit him as hard as he can. Takayama also sells his ass off, fighting out of the half-ass Yoshie Boston Crab and basically powerbombing himself. I also applaud Yoshie’s – the lovable lump – attempts at some selling. Of course, Takayama brings the pain and Yoshie doesn’t puss out and eats it all. This match is way too much fun to not watch repeatedly.

 

PS: When I got Takayama vs. Nishimura in the G1 Climax finals, I hadn't seen the Chono and Misawa matches yet and was only really exposed to Takayama the brawler. Nishimura was a super fun worker, but his matches were based around 70's style mat work and seemed way too small to have a credible brawl with Takayama. So Takayama- who I have seen derided as a one dimensional punching bag- decides he better work a Nishimura match, and then goes ahead and does it better then anyone else I have seen. The first fifteen minutes of the match are without a single strike, as the story of the match is that Takayama attempting to beat Osamu at his game- he is an outsider who is going to come in and take the mat wrestler to the mat. Unlike Nagata who is usually trying to work shootstyle matwork with Nishimura, Takayama- who is a UWFI trained worker and an actual shooter- works the match like it is 1972.

 

The whole opening section is based around headscissors and hammerlocks and knucklelocks, not cross armbreakers or kneebars. After the long initial mat section Takayama does a deadlift out of a Nishimura keylock (the Solar vs. Blue Panther or Shawn Micheals v. Bulldog spot) and blasts Nishimura with some kicks in the corner. Takayama can't handle Nishimura on the mat so he is just going to beat his ass. The match is then all about Nishimura using his speed to counter Takayama strength - as it is clear that if Takayama can hit him, he is done, so he has to move quick, and he counters a running kick into some leg work and a long figure four section (which Takayama sells like a king). He also counters a German suplex into a octopus and running knee into a cradle. The crowd totally bought all of these near fall attempts, which is a testament to both guys. However, Takayama is just too big and strong and he is able to catch Nishimura with a big kick and a great German suplex for the win. Perfectly done underdog vs. monster match, as good as any similar style match Vader ever worked.

 

PR: Schneider and I talked for a while about how excited yet leery we were of a Takayama/Nishimura match. Because it is two wrestlers who we love and are really great. And as opposed to Dean Malenko and Steve Regal who inexplicably had bad matches against each other, their styles at least meshed in theory. Here you are looking at a potential train wreck. That is part of the reason why the G1 Climax match is so great to watch.

 

The whole first section of the match is the greatest Joe Malenko vs. the world’s tallest, ugliest, best Davey Boy Smith. Of course, Takayama’s selling is 400 hundred times better than DBS’s . He works out of the headscissors by doing little things like sliding his hands in between Nishimura’s thighs to allow that small bit of space in so he can do the simplest of tasks – breathe. I also am reminded of how I need to go on a discourse about how I think Nishimura has the greatest bridge in wrestling history but this is not the time nor place. The knuckle lock and bridge discourse can be held for later. Actually – what is really great about the matwork is that even conforms to the power vs. style psychology of the match as Nishimura’s holds and counters are more technical, more wily if you will. Lots of gobehinds. Lots of counters into leglocks or surfboards. Anything where the proper application of the hold is more important to effectiveness of the hold then the power applied to it. Takayama meanwhile sticks with the pure pressure holds – like a simple headlock where he can just use his superior power to choke Nishimura out. Which is a lot more plausible than the other way around.

 

I really enjoy the moment where Takayama changes his strategy in the match. You can see the epiphany. The moment where the thought “Fuck, I can just beat this guy into submission” comes. Like Phil mentions, Nishimura is all about being with the change in the match as he immediately becomes Gordon Solie’s favorite wrestling by picking a body part (the leg) and sticking with it. I actually would have preferred if Takayama had stuck with the pure strikes during the closing portions of the match as I thought he application of his submission diminished as the long match went on. This is more a personal preference than anything I guess. And Takayama on the stick sounds like Kathleen Turner on the stick after two vodka tonics and a pack of Marlboros.

~!~

 

 

MICHINOKU PRO TV (8/11/02 taped 7/31/02)

(by DEAN RASMUSSEN)

This is the one the Tokoku Jr Title tournament. The belt itself is completely fabulous - what with the HR Gieger-inspired alienlike head where the Eagle would be and all. This also is drenched with the Dick Togo so imagine my delight. It starts off with beauty pageant sashes and everything. I am filled with charm for a foreign land where this use of fashion accessory would not lead to a match involving a man pretending to be gay and wearing a tiara.

 

Tomohiro Ishii vs. Ikeda-kun

Ikeda-kun has the Best Gimmick Of 2002: the wrestling puro fanboy stalker who only wrestles matches to get the autographes of his idols. It works on so many levels. The level I like is that he can actually wrestle after the gimmick forces him to beat the shit out of his idol. He is the Indie Scum equivalent of Mark David Chapman and you love that. Ishii will punch you right in the face and is a lot of fun being your basic shaved head prick that makes the indie world go round. Here, Ishii lays in a monstrous ass-beating early and Ikeda-Kun leans into it like a man. After fighting out of

a Boston Crab, I-K gets on offense by fighting out of and countering a suplex and starts in with his own nice punches and fabulous Spinebuster. Ishiii powerslams to TRANSITION~! and I-K eats a Lariat like Ray Stevens on methredrine and we have a little match to be the first match of this- the little junior tournament. Ikeda-Kun will be good long after his gimmick gets annoying.

 

Tsubo Genjin vs. Chi-Nen Hokkai

I hate both these guys, but it IS a new 500 period and - yes - it is time. Time for new beginnings. Time for shitty wrestlers to erase the fecal spray they have blown all over my video screen and to prove to ME - your long-suffering writer - and YOU - the beloved and relished reader - that they have upped the ante, that they have RAMPED UP~!, that they buckled down on the fundamentals, to show that they NO LONGER SUCK DICK SO MUCH THAT I HATE THEM AS WRESTLERS. Let's watch shall we. Yes..... Chi-Nen Hokkai is still the pastiest man in all of wrestling. Tsubo is still a caveboy. HOLD THE MOTHERFUCKING PHONE. First they start just punching each other in the motherfucking face really really hard and with true urgency and hatred and THEN Hokkai hits this fucking GRISLEY corner dropkick and I AM SUDDENLY IN LOVE. Tsubo wins with a primitive submission and I am suddenly in love with this whole tournament, this whole tape, this whole promotion- this whole Michinoku Pro Five Years After The Fact.

 

Pentagon vs. Macho Pump

Macho Pump is..... problematic. Pentagon might be the same guy who died once. Who can be sure- HE WEARS A MASK! They take it to the mat and it varies between perfectly fine pro style and perfectly fine lucha matwork. They sell, apply various holds, kill time in an interesting way. They have a fun armdrag section that would have been better if both of these guys were faster and... you know... BETTER. Pump's tope is perfectly fine. Far better than his Rocker Dropper. His People's Elbow makes me want to drive over to Japan and smack Macho Pump in the head. They do some roll-ups and fuck up some stuff. Macho Pump is so the Nippon Mark The Shark Shrader and this was sooo the 4th best match on a Mid Eastern Wrestling Federation Junior Heavyweight Tourney 1997. When you get this tape, you will want to fast forward past this match of no substance at all.

 

Yuki Ishikawa/ GOEMON vs. Jinsei Shinzaki/ Hideki Nishida

Nishida is Japanese Indie Scum Jesus and YOU LOVE HIM. UNLESS YOU ARE SOME KIND FREAK OR WEIRDO. Shinzaki is in a down period where he becomes the most boring wrestler in Japan for a few years. Yuki Ishikawa has become REBORN with his stint in Zero-One and the Bat-Bat Restart and I'm a-thinking GOEMON is Koji Nakagawa or something. Nishida tries to go all Luchafantastic on GOEMON but GOE isn't up to the rudo challenge and I'm starting to realize who I hate in this match. Yuki leans into the tired and ponderous offense of Shinzaki and you wait for the two loads of the match to tag out so the guys you paid to see can go at - and finally Nishida and Ishikawa lock up its as fun as Lucha Crashing Into Shootstyle can be. Nishida sells his ankle getting ripped off at the stump and then Ishikawa takes the pro style turn with the Indian Deathlock and they begin working on Nishida's knee. Nishida is cool because he sells the pro style all pro style and sells the kneebar like it is Pride 11. He makes the tag and the match grinds to a Shinzaki-drenched halt. Nishida tries to get some semblance of wrestling out of GOEMON and then takes a minor ass-beating from Ishikawa before finally succumbing to a triangle hold. I await the white hot version of this match- Ishikawa vs Nishida. Not this. Nope.

 

Kazuya Yuasa vs. Ikuto Hidaka

Hidaka is all neato in this - what with his highflying mixed with his shootstyle - and Yuasa doesn't get smoked- what with his nice elbow drop and ability to beat one's ass in the ring. They take it to the floor and kick each other a bunch in a convincing manner and Hidaka works over Yuasa's leg- spindling his knee while smacking him in the face, a dickish move that will always get big points with a true wrestling fan. Hidaka takes his US trips to heart by cheating on the Figure Four by getting leverage from the ropes while Tommy the ref is distracted by ishii. Yuasa actually makes the

Steamboat eyebrow sell as he hits the rope for the break. They exchange funtabulously stiff forearms until Hidaka CRUSHES Yuasa's groin with a Dave Jenning's level Punt of Immense Pain and you party and freak out. They fight for control on the top turnbuckle and Yuasa wins with a Superplex for two. Hidaka fights back to offense with big elbows but suffers the giant lariat of the lanky Japanese Texan who follows it up with 1/4 Mach Man-lefvel toprope elbow. Then it goes all suplexy and hurty and Yuasa is bringing the stiff like a motherfucker. Hidaka gets on offense by INVERTING a Swinging DDT into Rear Naked Choke over the toprope and then following it up with a jumping DDT. He then hits the superswank German Suplex Into A Kneebar and one would think that Yuasa would tap.... BUT HIS FIGHTING SPIRIT gets him to the ropes and hidaka makes him pay by hitting a FUCKING HIDEOUS Springboard Missile Dropkick directly on the kneecap. Yuasa sprawls around and hits a desperation lariat for two but he can barely walk and can't procure the Northern Lights. Hidaka hits a powerbomb and Somoan Drop for two. They both block a bunch of punches after Hidaka dickishly dropkicks the back of Yuasa's knee while Yuasa is trying to run the ropes. Hidaka hits La Majistral and Yuasa counters it into a roll-up for the upset pin. That's good little match. It was as stiff as you want to be and you forget how much fun Hidaka is until he actually whips out the freaky offense.

 

Dick Togo vs. Masao Orihara

Orihara is like Jeff Jarrett - can competently wrestle and seems to be ahead of the pack in execution and slickness, but you gotta think back 10 years for a match that was worth a fuck that involved either of them. For Jarrett, you have the Micheals ladder match and the match with the late great Billy Joe Travis. For Orihara, you gotta go back to his match with Yuji Yasaraoka unencumbered by the Lance Storm Tag Partner Albatross and his tag matches in WAR with fucking Ultimo motherfucking Dragon against Lyger and El Samurai. Here, he is in with a white hot Dick Togo who has been the best rudo on earth for a year now - kicking you in the teeth, punching you in the face, making your shitty looking hurricanrana look like it would hurt someone, making your sorry ass look like you don't suck. Dick tries to hold up his end by punching Orihara in the face and ripping his knee to shreds but Orihara somehow makes this a dreary and ordinary affair as his Jarrettness kicks in and he goes back to all of his rote spots that you got tired of back when he was the lesser of the Tonpachi Machine Guns. Actually, Orihara is kinda like a poor man's Shinzaki with cooler tattoos- in that you know what you are getting and you get it over and over and it can be fun when either are truly fired up. And both are unwatchable if going through the motions. This is Orihara not fired up, but not going through the motions- but more of a baffled Orihara. WAIT! NO NO NO, Orihara is like The Best Possible Rob Van Dam. His matches aren't any good but it takes you a while to figure out why. With RVD it's because he sells like he just got finished putting his buddy Damon through a burning table off the trapoline while his dad videotaped it. With Orihara, it's a little trickier- what it IS is that Orihara sacrifices matches to make sure that he includes all of his crappy heel spots. If he had a good punch and didn't look so fucking sub-indie "Ice Cold" Shane SUWA Justice in his approximations of a SUWA-styled heel ass-beating maybe he would be easier to take. No, ACTUALLY Orihara is like Ethanol. No WAIT, Orihara is like Michelob Winter Double Bock. He's trying to pass himself off as some kind of ass-beater, but deep down he knows that he is just a run-of-the-mill Cruiserweight. There you go. He does have really great hair and probably gets the best weed in Japan. So WAIT! He's the Japanese Rob Van Dam. No he's better than Rob Van Dam because his fuck ups are less obvious. Either way, Dick Togo is still your motherfucking daddy and even he can't save this piece of shit. HEY! Orihara is ROB VAN DAM and Dick Togo is his Chris Benoit. You love the Togo parts but hate the match. There you go.

 

Metal Master vs. Great Sasuke

Everybody whines about Sasuke these days because it's all hip and shit but fuck all you, he rules and you suck- he will die for you and you now hate him for it? Suck MY dick too. Metal Master is Chad Malenko Collyer and God knows I want to be excited about him in his Japanese gimmick- though it does have the look of something that WCW would have come up with for Brad Armstrong in 1991 after Arachnaman didn't get over- as opposed to fun-filled racially questionable gimmicks MP usually comes up with. Either way, MM is all about the US Indie 1997 offense early on that I have come to really really really hate and he does all these strikes and suplexes that leave no ordinance but instead seem to just be stuff to kill time until they get to the middle section of the match, which saves it's bacon a little because it gets kinda matworky and goes into Sasuke killing himself to make you wake up- but actually fuck it, if it ain't 1/10 as cool as the last Usuda vs Ishikawa match from BattlARTS, I can't get worked up over fancy matwork unless it's a Southern-styles match and you know it's work to some kind of pinnacle of violence and hatred- just like the last Ishikawa vs Usuda match. This was too fucking clinical and not enough about ME wanting ONE of these GUYS to beat the FUCK out of the OTHER. Sasuke rocks it in this by landing directly on his head several times trying to not make Chad Collyer make me fall asleep. For that, I thank him and you should thank him.

 

~!~

TORYUMON 8/16/02

(by DEAN RASMUSSEN)

 

So CRAZYMAX is the Four Horsemen now and that rules- what with SUWA assuming the role of 1989 Barry Windham and all of them having the belts. Evil Magnum and Evil Genki and the dance routines and the Mochizuki Baseball stable and everything. Ahhh TORYUMON, you fucking rule it...

 

Stoker Ichikawa vs Tarucito:

It's a laffRIOT! Remind me to rewatch it and review the living hell out of it later.

 

SUWA vs. Kennichiro Arai:

Both of these guys wrestle as hard as nails so imagine my delight to see them beating the life out of each other here. SUWA as a face is weird but he is so fucking good that he pulls it off as well as he did wrestling heel. JESUS CHRIST! SUWA is a fucking wrestling MESSIAH. The hard as fuck DiBiase offense- including the fucking Regal Cravate and the COMPLETELY balls out straight punch to the face and Full DiBiase Bodyweight Fistdrop-NUMBER ONE AND THE BEST. IF YOU DON'T LIKE SUWA, YOU DON'T LIKE PRO WRESTLING AND YOU can SUCK DICK. Arai eats WADS of offense and finally counters a Pedigree before being cut off by being hiptossed onto the rampway. They brawl on the ramp and Arai uses his hard skull to go on offense finally as they take it to the streets. SUWA cuts him off when Aria tries to get in the ring and Arai uses his rockhard skull to counter a top lariat. SUWA is soooo fucking MidSouth with the Reverse Atomic Drop as a counter. Arai uses a diving headbutt to set up his toprope Teethbreaker and we all weep at the glory. Arai misses the diving headbutt and hits the Gigantic Dropkick to set up the Pedigree for the win. SUWA fucking rules.

 

Magum Tokyo/ Genki Horiguchi/ Darkness Dragon vs. Masaki Mochizuki/ Dragon Kid/ Ryo Saito vs. CIMA/ Don Fuji/ Yoshikazu Taru:

T2P sits at ringside and talks shit to CRAZY MAX. It starts out as a melee and it's fun. Early on, it is a battle to see who hates Ryo Saito the most- Genki or Don Fuji, then Don Fuji decides that he hates both of them equally and they are all as much of a dick to each other as much as humanly possible. Genki does the most athletically fabulous dickihsness of the segment with the misdirected misslie dropkick to Don Fuji's head. TARU, Dragon Kid and Darkness Dragon have a similar segment where Darkness Dragon decides to dick everyone over in the Camel Clutch dropkick spot. Magnum and Masaaki really hate each other but Don Fuji decides to come in and be everybody's whipping boy and then it gets kinda goofy as CIMA agrees to be chopped by everybody and goes screaming out of the ring. CRAZY MAX Ritual Hazing continues as Don Fuji asks for another. Saito and Magnum decide to have a regular wrestling match again and Don Fuji tags in to Giantly Swing Saito into the dropkick of Darkness. Then they do the annoying circle of head scissors before Magnum breaks it up. They all turn on Magnum for screwing up the ECW 3-way Dance Comedy Spot and take turns avalanching him in the corner. Then they do more lucha comedy hi-jinx before setting up the awesomely goofy Rugby Scrum Four Man Suplex. Evil Magum kicks CIMA in the groin and then waves his dick at Dragon Kid's face before Rana-ing him off the top. CRAZY MAX and M2K decide to take it to the streets and they spill into T2P's seats and T2P says, "Awwww, fuck this!" and complete chaos of kicking and punching and hurting ensues.

TORYUMON is zany! Wads of powder, jumping and misdirection causes Darkness Dragon to pin TARU. Magnum and Masaaki go at it like motherfuckers and sets up DK getting the two before getting unmasked by DD. Things happen. Dragon Kid is set and he SPRINGS into his Spin Around The Body Octapus Hold Variation BUT Darkness Dragon cinches up on the leg and counters into a Swastika Submission Variation and you lose your fucking mind at the Lucha Submission goodness. That there is some wrestling. Post-match, everybody talks shit then UD comes down and makes everyone feel guilty.

 

~$~

 

YOUR MOST DRAWN OUT REVIEW EVER

THE EAGLE PRO CRUISERWEIGHT TOURNAMENT (7/23/2000 - QuarterFinal)

GENTARO (WYF) vs Heaven (Zipang)

(by DEAN RASMUSSEN)

A Conceptual Psychadelic/New Wave Mini Rock Opera.

 

Heaven gets behind the wheel of his 1981 Toyota Corona. It's a worn-out shade of green and the rain is coming in through the side of the windshield where it has rusted through. The radio lights up and only plays AM- one would think it were a throwback to the days before the loudness of your car stereo was as importnat as what kind of stations you could recieve while parking, but here it is more of an indication of a indie wrestler down on his luck. He is alone and let's down his fierce facade- his face collapses into a visage of sadness and longing. "GENTARO, I have loved you as a brother and as a man. I have loved you as much as a man can love another man without crossing over into a physical blending of spiritual love. But I have never loved anyone like...." Heaven is overly dramatic and astoundingly pretentious. He sings in a high weepy falsetto.

 

GRACE

-----

(Buzzcocks speed with an XTC-channelling-late-period-Beatles psychodelic melody)

 

Ni-Tsan painted you-

crosshatched and mist rising to the sun=your eyes-

The thought of your flesh and you kissing me is a whirlwind,

swirling cherry creme, and me dizzy and falling.

Tender priceless kisses in my head,

your indifference in my real world,

A god that hates me-

and you don't care.

Now, I will cry my bitter tears...

 

(optional 14 minute sitar solo)

 

 

GENTARO gets to the Communtiy Center where the sparse crowd has begun to trickle in. GENTARO is a whorehound and will sleep with absolutely anything. He was the only wrestler to sleep with a certain dead promoter's wife and not realize that he was supposed to get a contract out of it. Eagle Soldier greets him at the door.

 

OH I'M IN LOVE!

--------------

(Think Broadway)

 

ES: Ooooooooh, Gentarooooooo- there's a story going round- the hottest story in

this town- all about howwwwwwww....

GT: ... how I'm in love?

ES: How you're in love! How you're in love wiiiiiiith....

GT: How I'm in love with a giiirl, a beautiful girl!

 

CHORUS:

Ooooooh she is like a graceful moonsault (stylin', profilin')

Oh to kiss her lips divine

OHHHHH it hit me like a DiBiase Fistdrop! (stylin', profilin')

OOOOOOOOOOOOOH I'd say SHEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEe's fine as summertime wine!!

 

 

ES: Oh she's ever so beautiful for sure- but there's one thing I must know...

GT: Yes Eagle Soldier, what do yoooou want to know about this girl...

ES: We've been out together, out paintin' the town, we got there when it opened

and thrown out when they close it all down-

We've been to the Wild Child and the Asian Beaver Revue-

GT: We've chased a mighty batch of skirt and lost many $1's that's true....

ES: So let me ask and please do tell me troooooooo..... You've loved many

ladies, painted and obscene-

in nightclub bathroom stalls, in the alley behind the 1-hour Dryclean,

if this is who I think it is- are you sure?

You could be in love with one so pure?

GT: Ohhhh, Dear Eagle, though I am a rounder and a cad,

smoking weed with criminals and being Jack the Lad,

I can assure you when it comes to this maiden fair

she can only recieve my purest love of my soul laid bare!

Other motherfuckers may try to ply her with their stinky love,

but MINE is ordained and heaven-sent from above!

 

CHORUS

 

ES: Oh dear Gentaro I want to believe, but didn't you say the same about half

the women you mounted last week?

GT: Oh last weeks cannot compare, I fell for their pretty faces- the smell of

their hair!

With this, my tender perfect flower- all the others are but hideous toads to me,

A horrible memory, warts and pencillin and burning when I pee.

This will be different for I LOVE HER with all I GOT!

It'll be forever, forever lovin'! Forever HOT!

ES: Thank you, GENTARO!

I must warn you.

Heed my words, I must waaaaaaarn you!

there is another who wished for her hand other than you-

One who is far more pure than you, far far more sincere than yoooooooooo.

And he will be across the ring from yoooooooooo

GT: Nooooo, this cannot be!

Not Heaven- a true friend to me!

No, say it isn't so that I must crush a friend whom I have loved soooooooo

NOOOOOO, say it isn't SOOOOOOO! Oooooooh-NOOOOOOOOO!

though he is a brother to me, I must crimp his spine.

I must bust his nose into gela-tine!

I will with a heavy heart, rip his spinal chord apart.

Of our friendship I now care not!

I will beat him here in Tokyo, in Osaka or in the parking lot!

 

CHORUS with EVERYONE IN THE TOURNAMENT:

Ooooooh she is like a graceful moonsault (stylin', profilin')

Oh to kiss her lips divine

OHHHHH it hit me like a DiBiase Fistdrop! (stylin', profilin')

OOOOOOOOOOOOOH I'd say SHEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEe's fine as summertime wine

 

[big sliding finish- Jazzhands- andddd..... FREEZE and wait for applause.]

 

Grace feeds her cat and thinks about her reffing duties. She is usually content with her lot in life but lately she has felt lonely and unfulfilled- her job as a referee alienates her from not only mainstream Japanese society but also the

Japanese indie wrestling community. It is all starting to drive her batty. "They MUST NOT BE ABLE TO CHEAT! It is my mission as a woman and as a ref to bring JUSTICE to that god-forsaken Community Center. That motherfucker heaven will do what he can to get a pin over that dirtbag GENTARO. How I hate them BOTH!"

 

DOUBLE REPULSION

----------------

(sort of a Shop Assistants speedy pop number with the big sped up Phil Spectre beat)

 

One is a freak

wearing a mask

I wanna puke

thinking of his pasty sweaty touch

 

I know he's got

a stalker shrine

in his house

and I'm the star

 

I would never kiss him, I would never touch him, oooooo-ooooo my skin is

crawling at the thought of him

I would rather punch him in the mouth and kick him in the teeth

 

And the other one

he's total scum

would sleep with Ryama Go

if you shaved him right

 

dirtbag romeo

king of the grime

suave as a salted slug

I'd rather die

Than give him the time

 

I would never kiss him, I would never touch him, oooooo-ooooo my skin is

crawling at the thought of him

I would rather punch him in the mouth and kick him in the teeth

 

Why can't they be

the one I wanna see

from SPWC

Survival Toby

 

[Grace is filled with longing and weeps gently....]

 

GENTARO and Heaven face off in the ring. Heaven can tell by looking into GENTARO's eyes that their friendship has been severed by the love of a woman.

 

GENTARO I LOVE YOU NO MORE

--------------------------

[reverb drenched dirge mixed wrong with a lot of cowbell like on SISTER LOVERS]

 

innocence

your innocence is no match

for the weakness in me

my flesh commands my mind

a love too big

for one man to contain

I revile you

as I love her

I destroy my love

for you

so that her love may live

you possessed by her smile

I am possessed by her smile

a suplex to prove my love

a piledriver to prove my love

your blood to prove my love

your pain to prove my love

my shoulder

separated for her

my collarbone

broken for her

I land as my heart lands

grotesque

wrong

shoulder-first

 

 

GENTARO stares back at Heaven. He is filled with rage and love- as these feelings in his heart battle each other.

 

WHY HEAVEN WHY

-------

[kinda like a 70s Rock song- think "Radar Love" or "Cold Gin". But not too much. DO overannuciate like Paul Stanley. It drifts into a Dolemite thing.]

 

Who was there when Shark Tsuchiya found you in the walk-in with Miwa Sato?

Who kept her bay when she was gonna cutcha with her blade, oh?

WHO took tha hit and gave Shark the love she needs?

I loved her till mah fo-ah head bleeds!

A crazy motherfucker named GEN to the TARO

love a girlie yesterday and she'd come till tomorrow

 

CHORUS

Fuck you Heaven

You turned on me

Your mask looks like shit too

What the fuck is that supposed to be?

 

Her name was Julie

And you were gonna try git her back to the crib

You said, "Julie, hot mama, lemme show you my grindin' poppin' bustin' MO-tion-

I got the lovin' and the Cold Duck- you gotta let me on in!"

I saw past the mascara and negligee and silver metal pants-

I said, "I ain't one to cockblock a brother, no matter his scene-

but you may wanna take a look down at what Poison Sawada Julie is packing in

those Silver Jeans."

You took a look and bugged out at the full cod staring ya in the mug

 

CHORUS

 

You hooked me up more than once and it made us strong

like us fighting the bulldagger crew of Aja Kong

when you played the fool and hit on that

I was there when she had you splayed and fileted

your junk was waving in the breeze and her gloves were on the floor

Gonna urican your jimmy all the way to Baltimore.

So I flip into a ker-razy karate stance and Aja's mouth is agape

Hit her with the ninja stars I hide under my cape

Now we let a skinny ref tear us apart

You gotta think with your dick and not with your heart

 

CHORUS

 

2 BE CONTINUED.

 

 

DEAN RASMUSSEN for the beloved Death Valley Driver Video Review.

[EL DANDY~! 0]

DEAN is all that wrestling should be about: absolutely brilliant allusions and wacky metaphors. Orihara is Rob Van Dam. FUCKING PRICELESS. I await to hear the words "Yoshihiro Takayama: Top 10 DVDVR" in six months from now...

 

Keep it up, and dammit, make 140 come around sooner than later!!!

[Guest DEAN RASMUSSEN]

DEAN is all that wrestling should be about: absolutely brilliant allusions and wacky metaphors. Orihara is Rob Van Dam. FUCKING PRICELESS. I await to hear the words "Yoshihiro Takayama: Top 10 DVDVR" in six months from now...

 

Keep it up, and dammit, make 140 come around sooner than later!!!

140 is coming out this Friday. We're no longer burned out. I'm reviewing the enigmatic and secret WELSH wrestling tapes....

 

DEAN.

[EL DANDY~! 0]

WELSH? Are we so ready to see something like Fit Finaly when he was 18 or something? Still taking punches right in the fucking nose?

[Guest DEAN RASMUSSEN]

WELSH? Are we so ready to see something like Fit Finaly when he was 18 or something? Still taking punches right in the fucking nose?

Finlay vs Kojima 1995 in Austria. FUCKING AWWWWWESOME. Plus commentary in Welsh.

 

DEAN.

[EL DANDY~! 0]

Welsh commentary? Oh man...I need to find these fuckin tapes. KOJIMA AND FINALY IN 1995. Wow...allow my rectification to go down a little bit...