your WWE SMACKDOWN WORKRATE REPORT- 12/19/2002!

[Guest DEAN RASMUSSEN]

Boy did this show suck dick tonite. YEAH! Sucked ! Sucked dick. Suck. Bad Bad Bad. Except for Benoit and Angle- who wrestle like motherfuckers.

 

WHAT WORKED

 

- Los Hermanos Guerrerros show up and Eddy takes on THEEEEEE MOSSSSSSSST BORING MOTHERFUUUUUUCKING WRRRREEEEESSSSSTTTLLLLLLAAAAAAAAH AAAALIVE! BBBBBBBBBBBIIIIILLLL-EEEEEEe KKKKKKIDMAAAAAAAAN! Eddy punches the ennui-inducing shmoe from Hershey. Quebradora and a Frogsplash but he misses and runs into an edited enzuguiri into the shittiest punches ever. GOD- I hate Billy Kidman. Oh wait. Eddy just hit a Black Tiger Bomb and Kidman didn`t reverse it. Eddy and chavo cheat to win. My hatred of Kidman ceases. Billy- the wrestler- and Dean- the wrestling fan- are now back to square one.

 

- MATT HARDY FUCKING RULES! I AM AN MFer! The skit was GOLD. The fact that he showed up and was ready to wrestle until something got into his good eye shows what a true warrior he is. Then Shannon Moore DIES LIKE A FUCKING MOTHERFUCKER for my pleasure. A squash is on this side of the ledger. That`s how much this show sucked dick tonight.

 

- Al Wilson FINALLY comes out and saves the ultra-tedious skits between Dawn Marie and Torrie. They didn`t let him speak though- as the insemenations had finally reached Dawn Maries mind and all she can talk on and on about how she loves it when Al is hittin it from all angles. Al knows a lady needs to express herslf- thus he doesn`t reel his bitch in when she is talking the fool. He knows he`s got his whole life to make it up to his daughter but steady pussy is here today, not here to stay. Quit being such a bitch Torrie. Let a playa play.

 

- Benoit is your fucking GOD and Angle is your fucking GOD so this rules it. Great wrestling beats comical booking 24-7. Benoit is awesome beating the shit out of Angle early and Angle sells it like a king. Angle Germans to transition and Angle actually lays it into Benoit and Benoit-because he is motherfucking Crippler Chris Benoit- just fucking leans into it like a MAN. Chris Benoit chops the fuck out of Angle before getting cut off. And then they take it to the mat. Benoit throws shoulders to get on offense and is cut-off with a knee to the stomach. They battle to the German and Angle wins. Benoit steals the Eddy move of turning the Olympic Slam into an armdrag and Benoit`s non-Lucha roots pale in comparison and they go back to total MEMPHIS punching to transition to set up two Locomotion German Suplexes by Benoit and they take it to the street and Benoit hits the THIRD Locomotion German and goes for Vertebrae-Fuser `99 Toprope Headbutt into a crossface. And then the run-in hits and there ya go. If Benoit and Lesnar start tagging against Angle and.... oh fuck it`s the fucking BIG SHOW. There is no saving this booking clusterfuck. Great match until the non-finish.

 

WHAT DIDN`T WORK-

- Awesome! Chuck Palumbo is on the Smackdown. Cena is funny as the best possible frontman for Limp Bizkitz. Chuck sells giant wads and is starting to look like a Modern Day Tony Garrea or possibly a Nouvelle Mike Sharpe and the match takes a bad turn. Chuck looks like shit in this for the most part and I`m at a loss- his punches suck and his elbow is so weak that they edited it. Rikishi comes and looks for revenge. I`m too confused about Chuck suddenly becoming Private Jim Nelson to pay attention. What the fuck? Was he like the Barbarian- who had a weird 8 month period in 1996 where he was a good wrestler? Is the dream over? Was it just a bad night?

 

- The Big Show continues to show up and he`s not very good. Lately, he is benefitting from fellow bloated bags of fecal spray- Bill Dermott and Albert- diverting my attention from his Blinding Glare Of Sucking Goat Ass Suckingness. This whole show is a billowing burning turd so far this fair evening so Big Show not actually wrestling in a match is probably worthy of the worked column. But fuck that.

 

- When they said ``BODman`` for that BOD body spray, I thought they said ``Bossman`` and the idea of bottling what the Big Boss Man smells like makes me lose all belief in a kind and loving God.

 

- The Kurt Angle- Heyman explanation for the hotshotting of Angle as pawn of Heyman was absolutely mind-numbingly ludicrous. So the Big Show is set up to lose to Angle to keep the belt off Brock because- though Big Show can beat Angle according to Angle, you want the belt on Angle unless the Big Show wins it next week? This set-up is horrendously stupid. I got no problem with Angle and Heyman being together but the fact that EITHER of these guys (Big Show and Angle) would buy this set-up is reeeeeeeally fucking ludicrous. No body is that fucking stupid and gullible. Not even Republicans. NEXT WEEK! Brock Lesnar joins Heyman`s new stable! ``As long as either you, or Big Show or Angle has the belt, then WE have the power!`` PEEEEEEEEE- UUUUUUUU!

 

- Jesus Christ, they stick Bill ``Nope! That Smell`s not a St Bernard With Explosive Diarrehea- That`s Me Sucking Shit In The Ring!`` Dermott in the Jamie Noble saga? Oh fuck this. And then he squashes the lil fellas cuz HE`S REALLY BIG! DERMOTT IS INTENSE! WOW! WWE CAN GET ON IT`S KNEES AND SUCK MY DICK UNTIL I WHITEWASH IT`S TONSILS WITH MY VISCUOUS, GRAYISH-TINTED PECKERSNOT. Bill Dermott is such a Overloaded Dump Truck of Flaming Shit. Suck my dick. And- oh yeah- suck my dick.

 

- Edge kinda randomly sells the knee and A-Train is Albert. A-Train isn`t Eddy. Eddy is Eddy. Edge isn`t Eddy. Eddy is Eddy. Edge is wrestling A-Train. Edge is not wrestling Eddy. Can Of Crowd was into this- popping like freaks in post-production! A-Train was perfectly fine not fucking up working on Edge`s knee. Edge needs to like- you know- sell the damage to his leg and become good enough to have an offense that works in the context of the match where it doesn`t undo everything the psychoology of the match is based on. instead he has the same shitty spots that he HAS to do every match because his offense is so lame and suck-ass and it is completely counter to the story of the match. Or he should wrestle Eddy Guerrerro and Kurt Angle every week because they can cover for his shitty offense. Edge wrestled A-Train though. A-Train is Albert. Albert isn`t Eddy. Eddy is Eddy. And Eddy is wrestling Kidman now and I just noticed that Eddy is so fucking great that he can make me STOP HATING BILLY KIDMAN. Edge isn`t wrestling Eddy. Edge is wrestling A-Train. A-Train isn`t Eddy. Eddy is Eddy.

 

THERE YOU HAVE IT.

 

DEAN RASMUSSEN.

[Guest art_vandelay]

- The Kurt Angle- Heyman explanation for the hotshotting of Angle as pawn of Heyman was absolutely mind-numbingly ludicrous. So the Big Show is set up to lose to Angle to keep the belt off Brock because- though Big Show can beat Angle according to Angle, you want the belt on Angle unless the Big Show wins it next week? This set-up is horrendously stupid. I got no problem with Angle and Heyman being together but the fact that EITHER of these guys (Big Show and Angle) would buy this set-up is reeeeeeeally fucking ludicrous. No body is that fucking stupid and gullible. Not even Republicans. NEXT WEEK! Brock Lesnar joins Heyman`s new stable! ``As long as either you, or Big Show or Angle has the belt, then WE have the power!`` PEEEEEEEEE- UUUUUUUU!

 

I don't think anyone could have said it better. Thanks DEAN.

[Guest Incandenza]

HE`S REALLY BIG! DERMOTT IS INTENSE! WOW! WWE CAN GET ON IT`S KNEES AND SUCK MY DICK UNTIL I WHITEWASH IT`S TONSILS WITH MY VISCUOUS, GRAYISH-TINTED PECKERSNOT.

 

I love you, Dean.

[Guest DEAN RASMUSSEN]

- The Kurt Angle- Heyman explanation for the hotshotting of Angle as pawn of Heyman was absolutely mind-numbingly ludicrous. So the Big Show is set up to lose to Angle to keep the belt off Brock because- though Big Show can beat Angle according to Angle, you want the belt on Angle unless the Big Show wins it next week? This set-up is horrendously stupid. I got no problem with Angle and Heyman being together but the fact that EITHER of these guys (Big Show and Angle) would buy this set-up is reeeeeeeally fucking ludicrous. No body is that fucking stupid and gullible. Not even Republicans. NEXT WEEK! Brock Lesnar joins Heyman`s new stable! ``As long as either you, or Big Show or Angle has the belt, then WE have the power!`` PEEEEEEEEE- UUUUUUUU!

 

I don't think anyone could have said it better. Thanks DEAN.

I'm trying to figure how much Benoit they are going to have to stick in the mix before it will save this clusterfuck. If this show was any indication. I'm guessing they are thinking a lot less than I am.

 

DEAN.

[Guest DEAN RASMUSSEN]

HE`S REALLY BIG! DERMOTT IS INTENSE! WOW! WWE CAN GET ON IT`S KNEES AND SUCK MY DICK UNTIL I WHITEWASH IT`S TONSILS WITH MY VISCUOUS, GRAYISH-TINTED PECKERSNOT.

 

I love you, Dean.

I am sorry that I have replaced the word "pungent" with the word "peckersnot". I am filled with shame.....

 

DEAN.

[Guest RavishingRickRudo]

"Suck my dick. And- oh yeah- suck my dick."

 

Can I steal this?

 

I think Chunk dummed down the punches cause he was the one to give matt hardy the black eye.

 

I had a dream that I met Chuck Palumbo and complimented him on his punches, and asked him if his matches with Matt Hardy were based around the punch... I think that had something to do with it as well...

[Guest DEAN RASMUSSEN]

"Suck my dick. And- oh yeah- suck my dick."

 

Can I steal this?

 

I think Chunk dummed down the punches cause he was the one to give matt hardy the black eye.

 

I had a dream that I met Chuck Palumbo and complimented him on his punches, and asked him if his matches with Matt Hardy were based around the punch... I think that had something to do with it as well...

Is that why they seem poised to bury young Chuck completely?

 

DEAN.

[Guest AndrewTS]

A-Train was perfectly fine not fucking up working on Edge`s knee. Edge needs to like- you know- sell the damage to his leg and become good enough to have an offense that works in the context of the match where it doesn`t undo everything the psychoology of the match is based on. instead he has the same shitty spots that he HAS to do every match because his offense is so lame and suck-ass and it is completely counter to the story of the match. Or he should wrestle Eddy Guerrerro and Kurt Angle every week because they can cover for his shitty offense. Edge wrestled A-Train though. A-Train is Albert. Albert isn`t Eddy. Eddy is Eddy. And Eddy is wrestling Kidman now and I just noticed that Eddy is so fucking great that he can make me STOP HATING BILLY KIDMAN. Edge isn`t wrestling Eddy. Edge is wrestling A-Train. A-Train isn`t Eddy. Eddy is Eddy.

 

Repetition...and redundancy. The keys to getting a point across according to my public speaking teacher.

 

And yeah...sad that I was actually digging an Albert match for once, and Edge completely fucks it up by doing his usual offense and thus no-selling the knee work. Would it have killed Edge to bust out some clotheslines or something while selling the leg and shaking to recoup before doing a MISSILE DROPKICK?! Even the spear wouldn't have been a problem if it was just nailed from a short distance, but that really took me out of the match.

 

However, B for effort for A-Train. E for Edge.

[Guest AndrewTS]

Oh...and I've yet to quite understand Dean's odd fascination with Mr. Charisma, but if they made him a selfish smart-aleck it would at least inject some life into this shitfest.

 

I don't care if it Kevin Dunn, Heyman, or whoever else responsible for this. WHERE THE FUCK IS IT GOING?! This is week 15 with 2 more to go. And NO DAMN WAY this is going to be worth it unless they offere us, free on TV, full-on-girl-on-girl-face-straddling-dildo-plunging-tit-sucking-cunt-licking-HL-fucking-A. No shots of Dawn's nostrils, too. Yet, they sure as hell won't. I'd be happy, the girls would likely be happy, we'd all be happy the angle was over, Annie and all other lesbians, whether they wear high heels or boots, satin or flannel, have long flowing hair or a fucking crewcut, would all be happy. Hell, if it was on PPV that'd be just fine with me if they didn't puss out.

 

I believe in equality of the sexes and all that bullshit. But Dawn and Torrie have brought NOTHING worthy save for the quick skirmishes in bikinis or rolling around in little pools of fluid. END IT DAMNIT!!

[Conspiracy_Victim 0]

Good Lord. Deano Machino (V.2) is my recapping savior. Mr. Rasmussen tells it like it is, no matter how ugly the truth might be. I bow before Dean's altar of repetitive phrasing, Al Wilson the mack daddy, and Benoit the wrestling god.

[LaParkaYourCar 0]

Funny everyone in the Smackdown thread liked this show.......except the Dawn/Torrie crap.

 

Putting Heyman with Angle is the only way to keep him heel since the crowd wanted to cheer him. Plus I like the idea of "Heyman's Family" it's very reminiscent of Heenan and other old school managers.

 

other than that.......awesome as usual Dean........you never cease to crack me up.

[EL DANDY~! 0]

DEAN! May your endless praises upon the peckersnot of Al Wilson be forever etched in our minds...some more than others.

 

Benoit with the Wildbomb at Armageddon. Guerrero with the Black Tiger Bomb at SD! My only question is this...when will we see Rey hit the Dragonrana?

[Guest art_vandelay]

"Suck my dick. And- oh yeah- suck my dick."

 

Can I steal this?

 

I think Chunk dummed down the punches cause he was the one to give matt hardy the black eye.

 

I had a dream that I met Chuck Palumbo and complimented him on his punches, and asked him if his matches with Matt Hardy were based around the punch... I think that had something to do with it as well...

Dude, his punches look the same every match. I honestly do not understand the fascination with Palumbo's knife-edge punches. If slapping your leg constitutes stiff-looking offense, then Rocky must be a bitch to work with.

[Guest Nater]

Updated Profile for Billy Kidman (Smackdown!)

 

Height: 5' 10"

Weight: 195 pounds

From: Allentown, Pa.

Finishing move: Shooting Star Press

Quote: "You dont know me, but I'm Billy Kidman and I do a Shooting Star Press"

Turn-Ons: A-Shirts, Jean Shorts, Shooting Star Presses, Torrie, Greasy Hair

Turn-Offs: A-Train, Mic Work, Missing a Shooting Star Press, Al

Most Memorable Moment: Winning the Cruiserweight Championship ... again ... for some reason ... using the Shooting Star Press

Favorite Opponent: Somebody interesting that gets hit with the Shooting Star Press

Career Highlights: WWE Cruiserweight Champion (5); WCW Tag Team Champion (2); Shooting Star Press Champion; WCW Cruiserweight Tag Team Champion

[Guest Goodear]

Damn, Smackdown just blew from start to finish. There was nothing worth watching outside of Brock throwing Moore across the planet. Everything else was just flat out dull.

 

What sense does it make to even sign Nun-Zero if you are going to squash him in his debut? You might as well stamp his forehead with a 'Do not care about me" stamp. Jesus Christ, way to waist money you dips. I these people think Bill DeMott is going to make them a dime, they are soooo wrong it is not even funny.

 

Freaking Edge had his worse match I think I have ever seen. A-Train did a much better job in that match. At least when Edge no sells the Angle anklelock it makes sense because Angle doesn't work up to the hold. But Albert worked the knee from beginning to end! I guess its too bad Edge isn't Eddie either.

 

But even Eddie couldn't entertain against Kidman. Blah, paint by numbers match there with the only highlight being Chavo's rendition of CHEATER, CHEATER, CHEATER.

 

And if Angle and Benoit are my god, they must have taken human form. Because they fucking went through the motions like you wouldn't believe. Nine Boring as shit German suplexes and not one of them mattered in the least, especially when Angle decides to go for the anklelock. Because when that happens, there shall be no more selling. Hey, Kurt, you just got dropped on your head 6 times, maybe now isn't the best time to go to the ankle like nothing freaking happened. Sells like a king my ass. Bumps yes, sells no.

 

Al Wilson should fucking die along side those other two sluts that aren't getting any wrestlers over. Fuck Al up the ass. That segment went for, what, 15 minutes? Dumb crap that never, ever ends.

 

Big Show is fun to have around only because you get see how he dresses. That's the extent of that.

 

Smackdown sucked.

[Guest DEAN RASMUSSEN]

Damn, Smackdown just blew from start to finish. There was nothing worth watching outside of Brock throwing Moore across the planet. Everything else was just flat out dull.

 

What sense does it make to even sign Nun-Zero if you are going to squash him in his debut? You might as well stamp his forehead with a 'Do not care about me" stamp. Jesus Christ, way to waist money you dips. I these people think Bill DeMott is going to make them a dime, they are soooo wrong it is not even funny.

 

Freaking Edge had his worse match I think I have ever seen. A-Train did a much better job in that match. At least when Edge no sells the Angle anklelock it makes sense because Angle doesn't work up to the hold. But Albert worked the knee from beginning to end! I guess its too bad Edge isn't Eddie either.

 

But even Eddie couldn't entertain against Kidman. Blah, paint by numbers match there with the only highlight being Chavo's rendition of CHEATER, CHEATER, CHEATER.

 

And if Angle and Benoit are my god, they must have taken human form. Because they fucking went through the motions like you wouldn't believe. Nine Boring as shit German suplexes and not one of them mattered in the least, especially when Angle decides to go for the anklelock. Because when that happens, there shall be no more selling. Hey, Kurt, you just got dropped on your head 6 times, maybe now isn't the best time to go to the ankle like nothing freaking happened. Sells like a king my ass. Bumps yes, sells no.

 

Al Wilson should fucking die along side those other two sluts that aren't getting any wrestlers over. Fuck Al up the ass. That segment went for, what, 15 minutes? Dumb crap that never, ever ends.

 

Big Show is fun to have around only because you get see how he dresses. That's the extent of that.

 

Smackdown sucked.

Goodear, now tell us how you REALLY feel.

 

DEAN.

[Guest Black Tiger]

Funny how Benoit was just going through the motions, but then on TE3 he gave Jonnah shit for not having his whole heart in the match.

[Guest Goodear]

Goodear, now tell us how you REALLY feel.

 

DEAN.

No sir, I didn't like it.

[Guest AndrewTS]

Freaking Edge had his worse match I think I have ever seen. A-Train did a much better job in that match. At least when Edge no sells the Angle anklelock it makes sense because Angle doesn't work up to the hold. But Albert worked the knee from beginning to end! I guess its too bad Edge isn't Eddie either.

 

Does this mean you are now an Edge hater, Goodear?

 

And I thought the Edge hate was a little over the top...but damn, it's hard to defend Edge in that match.

 

A-TRAIN LOOKED LIKE THE BETTER WORKER!!! That's all you really need to say...

[Guest Spaceman Spiff]

Hmmm, first we had HHHate, now we need a name for Edge hating.

 

How about..."hatred(ge)", or possibly "hatr-edge", or maybe even "hatredge".

 

Eh, somebody is bound to come up w/ a better term.

[Guest Goodear]

Does this mean you are now an Edge hater, Goodear?

 

And I thought the Edge hate was a little over the top...but damn, it's hard to defend Edge in that match.

 

A-TRAIN LOOKED LIKE THE BETTER WORKER!!! That's all you really need to say...

Nah, it was one stinking festering pile of match, but its no reason to bury Edge for the rest of his career. No one is perfect or anything... but EEEEECH what a bad performance. Like he's no longer on my list of guys who get slack because of past matches (where Kurt Angle still has some left... although its shrinking).

[EL DANDY~! 0]

Oh man...how easy is it for finding a word to hate Edge...SacrilEdge.