Did anyone get the SK Raw rant?

[Guest Jobber of the Week]

Yeah, he's pretty predictable anymore, but I'm curious to find out what he had to say about this ep anyway.

 

411 seems to be having problems though, and OO doesn't carry his Raw stuff.

[Guest Ravenbomb]

I'm on the mailing list so I don't have to miss it when 411 is down

The SmarK RAW Rant - December 23, 2002

 

- I'm currently putting the finishing touches on my review of the Back to the

Future trilogy, and it should likely be up tomorrow.  If you can't wait, build

a time machine and travel to Christmas Eve and read it then.  

 

- Taped from Oklahoma, OK.  OK?  OK.

 

- Your hosts are JR & King.  

 

- Feliz Navidad, Joyeux Noel, and Happy Festivus to all.

 

- Opening match:  RVD & Kane v. Three Minute Warning.  Nothing a

group of writers who would not only book this match in the first place, but

then think it was so good that it required a REMATCH.  JR calls the faces

an "unlikely duo", which is not really accurate, since they've teamed a few

times before and thus are a likely duo.  Rosie pounds on Kane to start, but

gets clotheslined.  Jamal comes in and gets his own.  Kane no-sells it, and

for once I agree because it SUCKED.  Kane gets another clothesline to

really hammer home the move, and Rob comes in with a bodypress (with

help from Kane) for two.  Split-legged moonsault gets two.  Jamal gets

pounded in the corner, but a lame cheapshot turns the tide and the samoan

use FAT POWER to keep RVD down.  Kane makes what I guess is a hot tag

and cleans house with the usual, sideslamming Jamal into a Rolling Thunder

from RVD and a chokeslam to set up the frog splash at 4:05.  I just love

when they push the shit out of people no one wants to see and then bury

them for backstage infractions that no one knows about.  3MW tease a

breakup.  No one cares.  1/2*

 

- Meanwhile, Big Chief Morley has heard HOT NEWZ about HHH possibly

calling out Scott Steiner.  Bet he read that on the internet.  Spike Dudley

interrupts and talks himself into a match with Batista.  

 

- Test v. D-Lo Brown.  Test's pop is suddenly deafening.  They should tape

RAW every week - he'd be the most popular guy in the promotion in two

weeks!  D-Lo is now dressing like Konnan, except you can understand him.  

Apparently when black people are oppressed, they start dressing down.  Test

gets all in Test's face, and then runs away.  Test chases, and gets caught

with a cheapshot and sent into the stairs.  Back in, Test gets crotched

coming over the top rope and pounded in the corner.  That goes on for a

while.  MAIN EVENT SPINEBUSTER gets two.  The moonsault misses

and Test fights back to a canned crowd response.  It's kinda obvious when

the crowd is "popping" and you can see the entire side of the arena sitting on

their hands.  Pumphandle driver gets two, and D-Lo ducks out to yell at

Stacy, and posts Test for two.  "If I was white, you'd count!"  D-Lo shoves

the ref for the DQ at 4:11.  New Jack, he ain't.  The storyline here is that D-

Lo wants to steal Stacy away from Test to market his new image.  Of

course, Test hasn't gotten over to any great degree, so there's kind of a logic

gap there, but at least they're trying.  Match was just D-Lo's usual match

with jeans instead of tights.  1/2*  

 

- RAW Retro:  JR kisses Vince's ass.  So glad they've moved onto less

creepy topics, like necrophilia.  

 

- Uncle Eric and French Chef Morley come out to announce that the Rumble

will be 15 RAW guys and 15 Smackdown guys, with the winner meeting the

champion of their brand.  However, Eric has a problem with JR complaining

about the RAW Retro clip during the commercial and reminds him that he

"has Tony Schiavone's number in his speed dial".  Maybe it's there beside

Sid's squeegee.  Remember, kids, insider comments suck.  We get a brutally

stupid verbal dressing-down as Bischoff makes a tag match with JR & King

as our main event tonight.   So Booker T gets to job clean to 3 Minute

Warning in a meaningless tag match when they go through Houston, but Jim

Ross gets a main event match in Oklahoma, despite not even being a

wrestler.  Obviously someone should build Booker a time machine and go

back to 1998 to tell him not to get over in WCW in order to save his career.

 

- Chris Nowinski v. The Hurricane.  You know, when fans brings signs that

say "Harverd Sucks", it kind of makes Nowinski's point for him.  Nowinski

attacks to start and gets a powerbomb for two.  Hurricane gets the

CONTRIVED MIDCARD NECKBREAKER OF DEATH to come back,

and a lariat to set up the Buff Blockbuster for two.  By the way, JR protests

that he's never wrestled before, which is completely untrue because he

teamed with Steve Austin against HHH and someone else a couple of years

ago.  Nowinski goes up as Maven joins us, providing enough distraction for

Hurricane to bring him down and finish with the Shining Black at 1:56.  

Final word on the move name:  Hurricane calls it a Shining Black on his

website, so that's what I'm calling it.  Total filler.  1/4*  

 

- Meanwhile, HHH is NOT afraid of Scott Steiner.  Well, he's the only one

then, because god knows there's road workers the world over terrified of

having him drive down their section of the street.  HHH is going to call out

Steiner TONIGHT.  See, now I realize why they write segments like this (to

hype later segments for ratings reasons), but from a storyline flow point of

view, they're irritating as hell.  It's just stretching out a storyline point that

can be resolved in one segment (HHH calls out Steiner) rather than four

(Morley announces that HHH will be calling out Steiner, Coach speculates

on HHH calling out Steiner, HHH announces that he'll be calling out

Steiner, HHH calls out Steiner).  Economy is a good thing sometimes.  

 

- Batista v. Spike Dudley.  Batista beats on Spike in and out of the ring and

powerbombs him into putty at 1:20.  Still don't have any reason to care.  

DUD  They're trying the Goldberg route, but Goldberg wrestled in a totally

different style and had a cool finish, of which Batista has neither.  He CAN

yell a lot, which seems to be the de facto new standard for main eventers

these days.  

 

- Meanwhile, Treble Clef Morley and Bischoff think about taking the match

against JR & King, but Regal & Storm (who are undefeated except for the

time that they lost) offer their services instead.  Minor complaint:  What

happened to Morley being there to enforce rules and stuff, rather than just

acting as a yes-man for Bischoff?  Do we need two ineffective heel

commissioners on the same show?  

 

- Next week:  The best of 2002!  But what will they do for the other 100

minutes?  On the upside, I can take a week off.  

 

- Victoria, Molly & Ivory v. Trish Stratus, Jackie & Stacy.  How scary is it

when the women's division is deeper than both tag divisions combined?  

Big brawl to start and Stacy spinkicks Molly for two.  Victoria comes in to

double-team Stacy and gets a suplex for two.  In the corner, Trish bends

over the top rope to protest and someone take a picture of her ass.  Ah,

wrestling fans.  Jackie gets what I presume is a hot tag and hits Victoria with

a headscissors, but takes a cheapshot and she's YOUR sista-in-peril.  She

should get D-Lo to back her up and represent and keep it real and all that

stuff.  She fights off Victoria and catapults her into Ivory, and makes the

real hot tag to Trish.  Handstand rana gets two.  Stacy dumps Molly, and it's

BREAKING LOOSE IN...uh...Oklahoma City, I guess.  Trish bulldogs

Ivory for the pin at 3:32.  Kind of hard to take it seriously when they're all

wearing Santa suits.  3/4*

 

- Meanwhile, Steiner responds to HHH's potential out-calling, thus

extending this into 5 segments.  Instead of micro-booking all these

redundant segments to provide the 0.002 ratings boost for the segment, they

should concentrate on the big picture and use JR to hype these

confrontations as something that could explode AT ANY MOMENT, which

is supposed to be his function, rather than holding the viewers' hands

through each miniscule step to the same goal.  

 

- Meanwhile, Goldust runs into Jericho backstage, who insists that Goldust

is still the weak link.  

 

- RAW tag team titles:  Booker T & Goldust v. Vitamin C.  Goldust starts

with Christian, and gets pounded, but gets an atomic drop and a lariat.  

Booker comes in and works the arm, into a sidekick for two.  Jericho comes

in and gets hammered by Booker, and suplexed.  The champs double-team

him in the corner, and Goldust evades a cheapshot attempt and catapults

Jericho into Christian.  He hammers away in the corner, but this time

Christian's cheapshot works and Jericho gets a dropkick to the back and

goes to work on it.  Christian gets a backbreaker and hits the chinlock.  

Goldust's escape attempt is cut off and the heels double-team him and stay

on the back, but Goldust fights out of the corner and gets the MIDCARD

NECKBREAKER to set up the hot tag to Booker.  Superkick for Jericho!  

Backdrop for Christian!  Sideslam for Jericho!  MAIN EVENT

SPINEBUSTER gets two on Christian.  The heels go for the double-team,

but Booker uses the old double noggin knocker and Goldust helps to clean

house.  Spinarooni and axe kick for Christian gets two.  Where's D-Lo when

you need him?  We take a commercial break as Booker argues the call.  

Feels like Saturday Night's Main Event.  We return with Jericho in control

after apparently attacking Booker during the break, and chokes away.  He

slugs away, but walks into a sidekick.  Goldust gets the false tag, allowing

more shenanigans from the heels.  Always a classic when done in

moderation.  Booker fights back on Christian, but gets dropkicked.  He

hardly ever does that.  Jericho unleashes the CANADIAN PHYSICAL

INTENSITY in the corner, but Booker fires back with his own and gets the

rollup for two.  Jericho clubs him down again and Christian comes back in

to hit the chinlock.  Booker charges and hits elbow, but blocks a middle-

rope whatever with a flapjack and makes the real hot tag to Goldust.  Lariat

and BUTT-BUTT for Jericho and Goldust slugs away on both, and cradles

Jericho for two.  The heels work him over, but he reverses a double-

backdrop into a DDT on both guys.  Shattered Nuts for Christian, and a

powerslam for Jericho gets two.  I can't believe Goldust has gotten the

POWERSLAM over as a near-fall again.  Jericho reverses the Curtain Call

into the Walls, as we're down to a Jericho-Goldust showdown.  Booker

makes the save before Goldust can tap, but Jericho ducks the axe kick.  

Booker gets dumped along with Christian, and Jericho rolls up Goldust for

two.  Bulldog, but the Lionsault misses and Goldust rolls him up for the pin

at 17:21 to retain.  Hell of a match, great mini-plot with Jericho accusing

Goldust of being the weak link and then jobbing to him to pay it off.  ***1/2  

Now it's time to move Black Gold onto something new.  

 

- Meanwhile, RVD has a Christmas present for Kane:  Hungry Hungry

Hippos.  Kane has another swing on the bipolar scale, as he thinks that he

was locked in the basement as a child instead of being a wrestler playing a

role who killed a girl in a drunk driving accident in 1992.  The punchline:  "I

knew I should have gone with Chutes & Ladders".  Funny in theory, but

both guys are terrible actors.

 

- Meanwhile, HHH & Flair prepare to call out Steiner and don't impart any

new information, bringing us to 6 segments to convey the same information

that could be passed on via one.  See, they're so paranoid about their little

ratings boosts now that when they get ANY kind of positive trend, they

book the entire show around building up to the same thing, this

overexposing it right out of the gate.  And that's your vicious circle right

there.  

 

- HHH comes out to call out Scott Steiner, which we knew because we've

had 5 previous segments telling us that he's coming out to call out Scott

Steiner.  I should warn you that my keyboard appears to malfunctioning this

week, and may substitute the word "penis" for "arm".  HHH accuses Steiner

of waiting until he was injured and beaten down to confront him last week,

and that cues up Steiner to join us.  HHH doesn't want to give away the

match this week, but Steiner does.  Shows who the smart one is.  Scott

won't relinquish the microphone for HHH's rebuttal.  Cute.  So HHH wants

a penis-wrestling match TONIGHT.  HHH:  "I thought you had the largest

penis in the world?  Those guns are pretty big, but they don't compare to

me.  You're built for show, I'm built to go!"  So they set up the table as JR

& King marvel at the size of Steiner's penis.  HHH and Steiner lock penises

and both guys are straining with the force of it!  HHH almost slams

Steiner's penis down, but Steiner no-sells and comes back to win easily,

despite HHH's best efforts.  He easily handles HHH's penis three more

times for fun.  HHH looks like he hurt his penis.  It is nice to see HHH

making an effort not to bury his next opponent.  

 

- Jim Ross & Jerry Lawler v. William Regal & Lance Storm.  Bischoff &

Sour Cream & Chives Morley take over on commentary here, as we go from

face-face commentators to heel-heel commentators. Lawler obviously starts

for his side and takes Regal down with a hiptoss.  Storm tries with a

headlock and pounds away, but misses an elbow and gets "dropkicked" by

Lawler and rolled up for two.  A cheapshot turns the tide and Regal gets

two.  Regal knees him down for two.  Storm gets a forearm for two.  Lawler

makes his own comeback and hits Regal with the FISTDROP OF DEATH

for two, but the ref is bumped.  Regal tries the POWER OF THE PUNCH,

but Lawler uses his own punches, before getting low-blowed.  JR tags

himself in, steals the errant brass knuckles, but gets punked out by the heels.  

The Dudley Boyz do a run-in, 3D Storm, and JR uses the knux on Regal for

the pin at 5:30.  This did nothing for me, sorry.  DUD  

 

The Bottom Line:  Using the Smackdown criteria for judging this show, we

got one good long match and everything else was at least watchable or kept

short enough not to be offensive, so the result is a decent show heading into

the Xmas break.  Taping rather than going live really does help, honest.

 

Merry Xmas, y'all!

[Guest nikowwf]

That was....weird....

 

Methinks Scott needs to get out more.

 

Seriously, I like his rants sometimes, but sometimes I feel like he decides if the show is good or bad before he sees it, especially for taped shows.

 

Niko

[Guest Mole]

That was....weird....

 

Methinks Scott needs to get out more.

 

Seriously, I like his rants sometimes, but sometimes I feel like he decides if the show is good or bad before he sees it, especially for taped shows.

 

Niko

Oh yeah, definetly. And sometimes he will decide if a show is bad or not just because of the rating it got.

 

However, he does know a lot about wrestling. Probably more than a lot of people on this board, so that is why I read him and respect him. Plus, he is pretty funny at times.

[Guest Jobber of the Week]

The way he keeps throwing booking ideas into his rants make it painfully obvious he wants a job writing wrestling shows, but some of his stuff is good enough it rubs off on me.

 

I was watching the F-View segment tonight and repeating his comment about "angles that focus on how much your show sucks are not a good idea." I'm suprised he didn't catch that one.

[Guest art_vandelay]

He's only a wrestling mark, and that's not the type of fan WWE is gearing towards. He fails to be entertained by ANY segment that doesn't involve Canadians, Eddy, or Angle. It's really a shame that so many people think he has the final word on everything when it comes to the IWC.

[Guest The Hamburglar]

Keith is a moron. It's been his fucking dumb fault that half of his readers were pissy about Brock winning the title, all because he's too much of a dumb fuck to pick up on the certain nuances(such as I don't know, SELLING FOR ANYONE?) that make Brock more than just Hoss material. I swear the only other guy who's underrated so many Lesnar matches is Anglesault, and what does that say for Keith's credibility?

[Guest Eagan469]

I found a picture of SK! (guy on right)

 

[Guest AndrewTS]

Yeah, he's knowledgable if not dependable, but even a professed hoss-hater like me has changed opinion. However, if his readers are dumb enough to not think for themselves, so what?

 

He did give Brock due credit for Taker vs. Brock, which turned out to be surprisingly good.

[syxx2001 0]

i didn't like the idea of lesnar becoming champ before reading keiths rants. i dont like the idea of him being shoved down my throat no matter how big or good he supposedly is. at least it took goldberg a year, some fueds, and a US title run before winning the belt.

[Guest Ram]

Isn't that CRZ on the left?

[Guest dreamer420]

I don't like the guy. He rates matches before they ever start and I wonder sometimes if he even watches the things that he is reviewing.

[Guest Eagan469]

Isn't that CRZ on the left?

yes

[Guest RickyChosyu]

I really miss CRZ.

 

Stupid prick, thinks it's ok to get married and have a life outside of wrestling websites....

[syxx2001 0]

i thought he left cause bischoff arrived

[Guest HartFan86]

I like Scott Keith because Scotsman can make fun of him.

[The Dames 0]

I found a picture of SK! (guy on right)

 

Boy...he sure looks a hell of a lot different compared to the pic that's all over the net. You know the one.

 

Dames

[Guest Army Eye]

yeah.. he looks better I guess, but, wow a LOT different

[Guest Tim Cooke]

If it took you this long to figure out that SKeith is an idiot, then you're just as ignorant as he is.

 

Tim, who laughed when he said Trips was "God" back in 2000, then kept laughing when he turned on him in 2002 even though it was the same old Trips.

[Guest Spaceman Spiff]

Are you sure that's Keith on the right? He looks different than the other pic that's been around.

 

And the guy can't catch a break. He shits on a show, and gets busted on for being too cynical, but when he admits to liking a show (like this Raw), he gets busted on again.

 

I like reading Keith, even if his * ratings are a bit off.

[Guest HartFan86]

Tim, who laughed when he said Trips was "God" back in 2000, then kept laughing when he turned on him in 2002 even though it was the same old Trips.

LMAO! So true, Tim.

[Guest Mole]

Are you sure that's Keith on the right? He looks different than the other pic that's been around.

 

And the guy can't catch a break. He shits on a show, and gets busted on for being too cynical, but when he admits to liking a show (like this Raw), he gets busted on again.

 

I like reading Keith, even if his * ratings are a bit off.

Well, his * ratings aren't really that off. * ratings are based on one's opinion of the match. He rates them on what he thinks of the match, so they can't really be off.

[Guest Spaceman Spiff]

True. I probably should have said "his * ratings are a bit off from what I would rate them"

[JasonX 0]

I found a picture of SK! (guy on right)

 

Where the devil did you find that pic at?

[Guest Eagan469]

When did CRZ stop doing RAW recaps anyways?

[Guest Mole]

True. I probably should have said "his * ratings are a bit off from what I would rate them"

I like Scott's ratings because they make a quick reference to match ratings. I can't remember how good a match was, or who won what match. So I just go to him for the answers.

[Guest Hogan Made Wrestling]

Keith has degenerated to the point where he cannot (or will not) distinguish between what he likes and what is good or works well (HHH-Steiner segment for instance: it did an effective job building for the PPV but because he doesn't like them he parodies it) and so he's basically become no different than the people who send their opinions in to the Torch every Monday night.