Promo: Last Minute Shopper

[Guest Ash Ketchum]

The sound of footsteps echoes through the empty halls of Smartmarks Wrestling Federation Headquarters in Cleveland, Ohio. It is December 24th. But instead of being home with family, Michael Craven is walking back from the large cafeteria located inside the building to a conference room on the 3rd floor. He reaches the door, and clutching the doorknob, opens it.

 

“Welcome back, Mr. Craven...”

 

The voice gretting us is SWF Talent Relations Head The Suicide King, who sits ina cushy chair at the end of a long table with papers and coffee mugs all over it. To his right sits head talent scout “Grand Slam” Mark Stevens, and to his left, Ash’s manager, Mr. Nagasaki.

 

“We appreciate you taking the time out of your break to negotiate a new deal for you with us... even though it has taken a few hours over the course of a few weeks’ time.” King smiles happily as he holds a stack of stapled papers in his hand. The out of ring Suicide King is not al that evil and vicious. Or maybe he is, but just in the holiday spirit. The world may never know...

 

“No problem.” Craven smiles and nods to Mr. Nagasaki as he sits back down in his chair. “Do we have a finalized deal?”

 

Suicide King places the stack on the table and with a quick push, slides them down to Craven. He grasps them with one hand and spends several minutes looking through to make sure everything is correct as Nagasaki stand sover him, reading. As he finishes, he looks up at Nagasaki, who nods, and Craven places the papers down in front of him.

 

“Looks good... my contract expires in March, correct?”

 

King answers that question quickly. “Yes, the two-year deal ends the day you signed with us: March 1st.”

 

“Seems like it’s been forever...” Craven comments with a sigh, smiling happily.

 

“You bet.” Stevens answers with a grin. “2000 feels like a whole other century, compared to now.”

 

Craven borrows a pen from Nagasaki and begins to go through, signing the contract in the proper places. “I know, Mark. And I’m happy that I’ll be staying here for even longer now with this new deal-”

 

Beep beep beep beepbeepbeep beeeeep... beepbeep beep beep beepbeepbeep beeeeep... The ringtone of “Ice Ice Baby” echoes in the silent building as everyone turns to look at Craven. He’s stopped signing halfway through the contract and is reaching down into his pocket, fumbling around with a cell phone that he pulls out of it.

 

“Hold on one sec.” Craven gets up from the table and walks towards the back wall as he thinks: “I gotta get that ring tone changed... Vanilla Ice... ughhhhh...”

 

 

“Hello?

 

 

...

 

 

WHAT?!?! WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU JUST SAY? YOU BETTER NOT BE SHITTIN’ ME!!! THEN GET ME THERE NOW!!! I DON’T CARE WHAT AIRLINE!!! YES, I WANT THE FIRST POSSIBLE FLIGHT!!! I’M SCARED AS HELL!! OK... Gate C2, 10:35 on American? Sounds fine. Just book it... DO IT ALREADY!!! I’M FREAKIN’ OUT HERE!!!”

 

“What was that about?” Stevens inquires.

 

“I gotta go...” Mike responds. “NOW.”

 

Craven turns to leave, but Mr. Nagasaki steps to the side of him and tries to stop him.

 

“But Michael-san...

 

Mike turns around with concern in his eyes. Nagasaki’s face goes expressionless as he can see his pupil is troubled.

 

“I’ll get it later, Nagasaki. My wife needs me now.”

 

Craven turns back, whispering something to himself:

 

“I should have known better... it’s been 9 months since March...” “I’m sorry gentlemen, I really must leave. I’m now booked on the last flight to Tampa, and there’s a bad storm about to hit. If I don’t get out tonight, I could be stuck for weeks.”

 

Craven begins to head towards the door, but King now steps in front of him, the crafty heel with one last trick up his sleeve. “Hold on a sec, why not just sign the contract right now? A few minutes won’t hurt anything-”

 

And with that, Craven snaps.

 

“I DON’T HAVE THE TIME, KING, DAMMIT! MY WIFE IS GOING TO HAVE MY CHILD!!!!”

 

Craven turns around and prepares to exit, but Stevens places a hand on his shoulder to stop him and begins to speak up.

 

“Mike-”

 

“NO!”

 

Craven turns around, shoving Stevens as hard as he can. Grand Slam flies backwards and trips over a chair, falling onto the table. Assorted papers slide everywhere and coffee mugs are knocked to the ground as Craven watches the mess he has created. He stands there for a second, his body trembling in fear, then he suddenly turns and runs out the door, yelling “I’m sorry!!!” as he runs down the hall towards the stairs to get to his rental car. Meanwhile, as Stevens gets up, King just kind of stands there, confused.

 

“What now?” King asks.

 

“We wait and see when he comes back...” Stevens replies as he gets up. “He’ll be back... I hope...”

 

************

 

A few minutes pass, and now, we are in the parking structure of the building. Craven runs in a full sprint towards his car, tears flowing in his eyes as he reaches it. In a second, the door flies open and Craven jumps in. He clicks his seatbelt in and immediately fires the engine up as he peels out of the parking lot like OJ Simpson in his white Bronco, screaming before he takes off:

 

“HOLD ON, AMY!!!! I’M COMING BACK HOME!!! JUST HOLD ON, DAMMIT!!!”

[Guest Longdogger_Pete]

I do believe the Undertaker took some time off to avoid situations like these.

 

Always nice to see "front office" promos though. Not sure why, I guess I just like to see what makes the fed tick.

 

Someone needs to change their board name.

[Guest Ash Ketchum]

Yes, someone does... and someone will get on that ASAP, but not now, because Metroid Prime is calling...

 

 

[Guest chirs3]

Leaving a contract signing just to see his pwecious wittle baby being born?

 

Craven = megawussy.