your WWE SMACKDOWN WORKRATE REPORT- 12/26/2002!

[Guest DEAN RASMUSSEN]

Well, last week`s sucked but that was because everyone was all torqued about Christmas and couldn`t perform like the Professional Wrestlers we want them to be- but today is another day and this is another Smackdown taping, so hope springs eternal. I mean, fuck. It can`t suck as much as last week, right? I mean, Jesus, last weeks was horrendous. It`s gotta be better this week, right? Let`s see, shall we?

 

WHAT WORKED-

- Stephanie comes out and taunts us with BONUS footage from last week (we who suffered through last weeks would really rather forget the whole thing, but it ain`t our show now, is it?) and the Big Show comes out and I really still love his theme song. He is wearing all black leather- sorta like the 1968 Elvis Presley Comeback show- but instead of it being the King of Rock n Roll, it would be Robert Hughes- the World`s Fattest Man. He gets all talky with Steph and they finally get to the part that makes it work. The Big Show talks about how amazingly fat he is and how Benoit is missing teeth. Benoit comes out and his music is all dramatical and shit. Benoit comes out and reminds me of a heel Shawn Micheals before they fucked him up. Actually they have the same voice and in this match they have the same gimmick. OUT OF NOWHERE- Benoit kicks him in the balls and does the Popeye laugh. This all just means one thing- Benoit loves you and reads the internet and wants the Big Show to feel the pain that we the wrestling fans have gone through, trying to suffer through Big Show`s collossally shitty attempts at wrestling. The Big Show is easier to take as a big uncontrollable freight train of burning shit if Chris Benoit can kick him in the balls on a regular basis. Actually, Benoit would have to boot his testicles to the point that they double as Big Shows earrings to make up for his WCW tenure alone. Still, I love the thinking.

 

- Al whips out the Viagra and gives it to Dawn Marie, alluding to how he will whip out his dick later and tag her on her wedding night like she has never been tagged. Al videotapes her titties and ALL you Al-Wilsons-in-Training want the tape of how to ply your skeezah with your love technique. His first lesson is to stick your tongue down her young throat- A LOT!- and make it look like a pelican feeding his young. Later in the show, Torrie starts bitching about her father getting all up in that and Al comes out- so mad I figured my hero would bury his foot up her ass- and says, ``Step off, bitch, where MAN hide my beefdart is his own motherfucking bizness? Don`t be getting between Big Daddy and the nappy dugout or I`ll break wild on your disrespectful skinny ass.`` Al is the fucking motherfucking king.

- What do I have to do to be a young MFer? Shannon is crestfallen but Matt is a men-TOR and gives him a pep talk. Matt Hardy vs Brock Lesnar next week and then Matt turns on Shannon and tries to break his leg. God, Matt Hardy is becoming what we all wanted Chris Jericho to become in WCW- the quasi-Ultimate Warrior gimmick- not the one from WWF, but the Ultimate Warrior from the ultimatewarrior.com WEBSITE. You and I are completely fucking losing our minds awaiting Matt to completely lose his grasp of reality and start making up even more words. Matt- you know what you need- MAKE-UP AND ARM TASSLES! DO IT! MAKE-UP AND ARM TASSLES! COME ON! God, this could be soooooo fucking great.

 

- Eddy is Eddy. Kidman is not Eddy. Kidman is better than Edge. Eddy is not wrestling Edge. Eddy is wrestling Kidman. Eddy wrestling Kidman should be better than Eddy wrestling Edge. Eddy is better than Juventud. Eddy wrestling Kidman should be better than Kidman wrestling Juventud. HEY WAIT! Eddy IS wrestling Edge. This fucks my whole thing up! Where is Albert!?!?!? Albert isn`t wrestling Edge! ALBERT IS ALBERT! ALBERT ISN`T WRESTLING EDGE! EDDY IS WRESTLING EDGE! Eddy is better than Albert and Juventud. Eddy and Chavo bump like matching Fuerza Guerreras and Kidman is happy to be in the ring with them. Kidman bumps for Eddy and I am happy to watch the wrestling. Eddy hitting that slingshot senton onto Chavo`s backbreaker is AWESOME. Edge`s shitty lariat isn`t awesome. Edge and Chavo make Edge look GOD-LIKE and Edge MUST be completely torqued to being carried at such a level again. Chavo and Kidman go out in a bumptastic heap and Edge does the goofiest set-up ever for the Spear, but the crowd doesn`t care as they legitimately pop like monkeys for the nearfall. Edge in his heart, professes his love for the Guerrerros and all the goodness they bring to his matches. They set-up the big ten count count out, but they decide at the last minute that they should go to a commercial. Okay. Hey, Edge welcomes us back by ruining his shoulder like a MAN. The crowd gives a shit about Edge when A-Train isn`t in the picture. This is a point that the Guerrerros should thank Edge for- they get fat ass heat when they wrestle Edge. Maybe there is just a inexplicable chemistry. Maybe Los Guerrerros are just fucking great and Edge gets fired up and hangs with them. They restart the match and make it no DQ and I am superdigging this. Kidman reverses the FIRST Chavo Powerbomb EVER and I would begin hating Kidman but he takes a Shannon Moore-level DEATHBUMP off the top to his head and erases the hate the former move creates. We are still even, young Kidman. I, the wrestling fan, and you, the professional wrestler, are even. FINALLY, A-Train comes out and kills Edge to set up Eddy to hit the Love Machine Splash on Kidman to let Chavo get his win in WWE history. That was fucking great. Kidman is now up one.

 

- The Lesnar beatdown of Angle and Big Show from last week was really great for a lot of reasons but mostly for Paul E channeling Ox Baker with the ``I HATE YOU!`` chant. Angle sells the knee like Jon Jerkivic after the low shot by Eric Williams in the 1994 NFC playoffs. The kneebreaker off the rail was fucking MAGNIFICENT. Brock is fucking great. Angle is fucking GREAT. Big Show takes that bump he takes TWICE. I feel the love for the Professional Wrestling.

 

- Angle comes out and is the biggest asshole on earth and deep in your heart you know that I love this. God, I can`t figure out which part I liked the best. Probably the ``WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH YOU PEOPLE?!?!`` part. THEN! THEN Heyman brings out TEAM ANGLE. Team Angle is absolutely GREAT- it is sooooooo Team Piper 2002. I love it. Hey, Charlie Haas and Shelton Benjamin. I`m stoked. God, this is fucking brilliant. Can Horshu be far behind? I`m definately stoked.

 

- Holy fuck, Antonio Fargus on Steve Harvie tonight. Awesome.

 

- Chris Benoit is your professional wrestling GOD. The Big Show`s theme is fucking great. It`s the biiiiiiiiiig show! well, ramble on the mountain, something something something! It`s theeeeee Biiiiiiig Show! Benoit and Big Show trade stiff chops and the crowd gets onto a Big Show match because Benoit makes his Beel Manuveur look devastating and makes everything else that usually looks so lousy when the Big Show does it against anyone else, look good. Big Show fights out of the first Crossface with a Sidewalk Slam and Big Slow keeps doing all these Irish whips and stands around a lot in between. Benoit takes out his knee and the psychology of the match kicks in. The German was mighty ugly but the crowd is on their feet as he hits his Headbutt for two. Big Show goes facefirst into the exposed turnbuckle and Benoit gets the flashpin win with an odd roll-up. Then he procures the Crossface and TEAM ANGLE HITS THE RING! WOO-HOO! Evil Team Angle with the Powerbomb Doomsday Device. Benoit is dead! Team Angle drags Benoit over to Angle and Angle chokes him with a crutch and WWE goes all Bill Watts-ian with the heels looking strong. I`m glad that last weeks booking was a hiccup because this is picture perfect Mid-South 86 booking. The Big Show sucks, but Benoit dragged a semblance of a match out of him, so that wasn`t so strong. The booking of the stable against the isolated face is classic booking and it puts it all over the top. This was fucking great.

 

WHAT DIDN`T WORK-

- Ah, Bill DeMott. He`s a bully! A very multi-edited bully! God, you can`t edit those kicks enough to make them look like anything. He does throw a nice elbow drop, so mad phat props to you. They canned crowd pops like freaks for the finish as it appears that most of the crowd got so excited that they had to rush to the bathroom to relieve their bladders of their PEE OF EXCITEMENT!

 

- B-2! He sez BOO-YA! Rikishi comes out and B-2 takes a big bump early on. Cena doesn`t allow the Stinkface and allows B-2 to bring out the his inner Bull Buchanon- including his keeeeerrrappy punches. He bumps big though. Rikishi has to sell his ho-rendous lariats. B-2 enjoys some parts of Rikishi`s ghastly stinky pungent nether regions but not enough to make it into a overlycrowded Worked Column on the big two-six of the one two in the oh two.

- Los Guerrerros vs The Nouvelle Funky Bunch is something I didn`t want to see. Eddy and Chavo are all kinds of great making fun of the rapping white guys and it`s funny. I don`t want to see the match. Yeah I do. It`s fucking EDDY GUERRERRO. He can carry ANYONE- even Bull Buchanon. It`ll be fascinating. I GOT PUT SOMETHING DOWN HERE. Jesus. What do you people want from me?

 

THERE YOU HAVE IT.

 

DEAN RASMUSSEN.

[Guest Mole]

Don't you usually put * ratings up?

[Guest DEAN RASMUSSEN]

Don't you usually put * ratings up?

Nope. no sir. Don't do the star ratings. Don't believe innem.

 

DEAN.

[Guest RavishingRickRudo]

By * ratings do you mean *Eddie* is not *Albert*?

 

DEAN, sometimes you need a decoder ring to read the smackdown reports. Are you saying that Eddie *is* Eddie and NOT kidman?

[Guest AndrewTS]

Kidman is better than Edge.

 

Amen--I was saying in the O&O thread that it looks like Kidman had a fire lit under his ass, and since Edge has been sucking so much lately, I suggest he officially replace King Nothing in the SD!6.

[Guest webmasterofwrestlegame]

I'd rather Chavo be in the SM! 6 over Kidman.

[Rob E Dangerously 0]

so.. what did Tazz claim that Benoit won with..

 

a Penis Roll?

 

Who cares what it was.. that's worthy of being used as a finisher name!

[Guest AndrewTS]

I'd rather Chavo be in the SM! 6 over Kidman.

Chavo IS in the SD6.

 

1. Benoit

2. Angle

3. Eddy

4. Chavo

5. Mysterio

6. Edge.

 

I was saying that in comparison to the rest, Edge blows and Kidman should be considered worthier of that honor. If not, then make it SD!7.

[Guest DEAN RASMUSSEN]

DEAN, sometimes you need a decoder ring to read the smackdown reports. Are you saying that Eddie *is* Eddie and NOT kidman?

Eddy is Eddy. Kidman is Kidman. Kidman is better than Edge. Eddy is better than Juventud. Eddy is better Albert. Eddy isn't wrestling Albert. Eddy is wrestling Edge. Eddy is better than Albert.

 

DEAN.

[Guest webmasterofwrestlegame]

Sorry about that.

 

I thought it was Noble who was in there originally over Chavo.

[Guest AndrewTS]

Sorry about that.

 

I thought it was Noble who was in there originally over Chavo.

Noble is without a doubt awesome, but crowds aren't into his matches because he's...very...WWE-style-like.

[EL DANDY~! 0]

Bill DeMott is Bill DeMott. Bill DeMott is somebody I don't even want to watch wrestle. Albert is better than Bill DeMott. He can probably do a better moonsault, too. All I know is that Eddy is Eddy, Chavo is Chavo, Kidman ISN'T Juventud, and DEAN is DEAN. Thank you.

[Guest RavishingRickRudo]

So I guess the real question becomes...

 

Is edge better than juvi?

[Guest Bricks]

It's about time Al Wilson put Torrie in her place. When I'm old, I hope my kids understand that I need young poontang in my life.

[Guest RavishingRickRudo]

Speaking of which, does anyone else think the sexual tension between Torrie and Funaki could be cut with a knife?

[Guest AndrewTS]

Speaking of which, does anyone else think the sexual tension between Torrie and Funaki could be cut with a knife?

Yeah--she may be a bit soured on Japanese men because of the Tajiri experience, but she probably realized--this is WWE. And in WWE she can easily kick Funaki's ass.

[Guest DEAN RASMUSSEN]

Speaking of which, does anyone else think the sexual tension between Torrie and Funaki could be cut with a knife?

Funaki and Torrie should reenact the Al-Dawn Marie Kiss next week as a SWERVE! Not that Funaki can compare to Al when it comes to making the bitches hollah. Funaki can't make that funnel shape with his lips like Al did. No. No, he CAN'T.

 

DEAN.

[Guest DEAN RASMUSSEN]

So I guess the real question becomes...

 

Is edge better than juvi?

Juventud is better than Edge. Eddy is better than Juventud. Juventud is better than Kidman. Kidman is better than Edge. Eddy is Eddy. A-Train is Albert. Eddy is better than Albert.

 

DEAN.

[Guest AndrewTS]

Yeah, but given equal amounts of the same drug, is Juvi higher than RVD?

[Guest RavishingRickRudo]

I've been wondering where this whole Torrie/Dawn/Al thing has been going over the past few months - and now I know.

 

Sho Funaki vs. Al Wilson WRESTLEMANIA 19!

 

There will be a dozen ladies in the ring and these two men, these two mackdaddies will get their groove on in an ironman match. Whomever can bring the most ladies to the promise land in 60 minutes wins the title of groovemaster.

[EL DANDY~! 0]

I've been wondering where this whole Torrie/Dawn/Al thing has been going over the past few months - and now I know.

 

Sho Funaki vs. Al Wilson WRESTLEMANIA 19!

 

There will be a dozen ladies in the ring and these two men, these two mackdaddies will get their groove on in an ironman match. Whomever can bring the most ladies to the promise land in 60 minutes wins the title of groovemaster.

Triple R, only in your dream, mine, and a certain one called DEAN RASSMUSSEN.

[Guest RavishingRickRudo]

...And the minds of a billion ladies in the world who want to see the masters in action.

[Guest deadbeater]

Don't you usually put * ratings up?

Nope. no sir. Don't do the star ratings. Don't believe innem.

 

DEAN.

I tend to agree. Gets monotonous and very annoying when non-Aja, non-Toyota women's matches get a 1 or 2 rating from these so-called know-it-alls.

 

Hey, maybe the Mattitude Dude did the beating to Shannon as a rib on losing out the Rey Mysterio andgle to Albert. Ha Ha.

[Guest DEAN RASMUSSEN]

...And the minds of a billion ladies in the world who want to see the masters in action.

hell yeah! CAN I GET A WITNESS!

[EL DANDY~! 0]

AMEN, REVEREND! Oh, and all DA LAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAADIES (DEAN knows) that Al Wilson is the king of macks, the pope of pimps. Al Wilson is what men strive to be when it comes to downright manliness. Love him.

[Guest RavishingRickRudo]

I cannot love al wilson.

 

For me to love him is for me to comprehend him. And his level of mandom is beyond anything that I have ever known. I can only, in my own way, strive to be like him. Even though I know that I cannot. But it is through the struggle comes the understanding, and eventually, maybe, the love.

[EL DANDY~! 0]

*cries* Dood...that is so deep...and you too can be an AFer...Al Follower...I so wish to be like him...and to perform incest with his daughter

[Guest Lord of The Curry]

And that match in general will be torn to high heaven and the depths of hell when Johnny Ace comes to the ring and makes the ladies say "Ace daddy!" in a millisecond, all the while rocking his AJPW 1980's steelo that ya'll know is off the nose!

 

Sorry, but Johnny Ace is the biggest stud in the WWE. You all know it. You've always known it. Don't deny, you'd be stupid to even try. Perhaps one day Ace will form a stable involving Funaki and A.W and they'll be the S.T.U.D.S. That of course stands for Special Tactics Unit Developing Sexiness, in case you didn't know.

[Rob E Dangerously 0]

I think the solution is in my hands.

 

Al Wilson must marry Dawn Marie

 

then they will take in John Cena and B2 as their adopted family.

 

The Al Wilson Family will then win the SD Tag belts!

[LaParkaYourCar 0]

Ah, Bill DeMott. He`s a bully! A very multi-edited bully! God, you can`t edit those kicks enough to make them look like anything. He does throw a nice elbow drop, so mad phat props to you. They canned crowd pops like freaks for the finish as it appears that most of the crowd got so excited that they had to rush to the bathroom to relieve their bladders of their PEE OF EXCITEMENT!

 

That's hilarious! It had me laughing for a good while.