your WWE SMACKDOWN WORKRATE REPORT- 1/2/2003!

[Guest DEAN RASMUSSEN]

Hey! It`s wedding night. The WWE has a way of making me turn on their angles by fucking up the wedding- if you recall how appalled I was by the chickenshit way they pussed out of Chuck and Billy having a Holy Union. I`m trying to imagine what they will have to do to make me turn on my role-model- the East Coast Spunk Supplier, Al Wilson. We`ll see my rage or delight build so gear up and experience the life or death of a very drawn out angle. Lemme grab a beer.

 

WHAT WORKED-

- Kidman. First you can`t powerbomb him, now you can`t escape his most brutal submission hold- the Rich Little Driver 91! Taz sells it more than he ever sold for anyone in ECW. Tory looks charmed. Could a romance be far off? RAW IS WAR. SMACKDOWN IS LOVE. Funaki should have a new segment where he has one of those elementary school slambooks where every wrestler and valet can anonymously write who they think is a fox or a stud. A-Train`s mounting face is right around the corner. REVEL IN IT.

 

- The set-up of Benoit and Lesnar getting together is fucking great. It could be over anything really because it will be such a fun tagteam. The fact that it`s against Team Angle means it`s already more than anything. Angle does the Arn/Dory Marquee Says Wrestling intro then he busts on Benoit`s Canadianness. Charlie Haas and Shelton Benjamin have that look like their chests are going to be ripped into hamburger in less than an hour and half.

 

- The Al Wilson Montage Of Semen-Spewing brought a tear to my eye. They show the poky, proddy, pouty kiss from last week and we all felt the love, the beauty, the sweating, the woody....

 

- Dawn Marie has Pat Benatar hair circa ``Shadows Of The Night`` and maybe I will toast a load in honor of the Mack Al Wilson bride`s 80`s hairstyle. NUDE WEDDING! HELL YEAH! I can only hope that Al will wear nothing but a Piggly Wiggly cockring in honor of the building where they are being wed. Al is 61, so maybe a Mannix cockring would be the style of the day. That would rule. Stephanie puts the Kibosh on the nude wedding and now I just HATE her. I mean keep a dress on Dawn Marie, but you gotta let Al show the world that if you want the bull, you get the horns, motherfucker.

 

- The wedding montage of the seduction Torrie by Dawn Marie makes me remember that all of it takes place in front a print of painting of the American flag by Jasper Johns. Yes. Yes it was. Anyway, Al is wearing the mackiness leisure suit and there isn`t a dry seat in the house. I await Al to drop the threads and unleash the Beast Underneath! Dawn Marie is even more Benatar-like by this point, so you know Al is gonna tear that shit up later tonight. Eric Bishoff is going for a young look this time as the preacher. Dawn Marie takes off her dress but doesn`t go completely starkers. Then she says that Al will take it off. Al gears up to whip out the full extension of his junk and Dawn gets him down to his tighty whiteys. Al does his ``Get Ready For My Throbbing Beefdart, motherfuckers`` dance and we are all blowing the roof off the Torquedness Meter. BUT THEN- right at the moment of truth, the moment we have waited four months to see- the WWE PUSSES OUT AND DOESN`T SHOW US NAKED AL WILSON! WHAT THE FUCK! FUCK! FUCKING FUCK! FUCKING FUCKING FUCK! FUCK YOU WWE! FUCK YOU TO HELL! What a fucking rip off. At least they went through with the marriage. The only way they can make up for this is to show us a honeymoon video that comes half as close to recreating the Tonya Harding honeymoon video. 3/4 of the way. They didn`t even tell us what kind of cockring Al was wearing. Fucking pussies.

 

- Hey! It`s Edge and not Brock Lesnar. Maybe Heyman isn`t in the zone with this. Why did Benoit pick Edge? Edge does work stiffer than I`ve ever seen him- as i`m guessing he is torqued about tagging with Benoit and wants to hold up his stiffness end of the match. Pretty soon, Edge settles into his usual tag role- heatgarnering face in peril. Team Angle has the fun Midnight Express tagteam moves and I`m falling in love already. Benoit is perfect as the Most AssStomping Robert Gibson Ever with the gnarley kick to the face to free Edge from the Benjamin submission. Benoit is fucking AWESOMe as face as house afire, beating the shit out of Team Angle. The Stereo Locomotion Germans is fun and they head to the nonfinish and I`m loving how they get Team Angle over while getting killed and how ABSOLUTELY BEAUTIFULLY Angle goes fucking batshit postmatch beating the shit out of the ring announcer. Angle is fucking awesome. I don`t mind Edge showing up as Benoit`s partner- but I thought they hated each other last time we saw them together. How about some kind of set-up or explanation? Either way. Fine little match.

 

- The Big Show`s theme is really great! ``Thaaaaaaa BIG SHOW! something something something- oh you`ll never know...`` He sucks as a wrestler. His match will be down yonder. Heyman goes completely flaming while talking the Big Show in the ring. ``Being so close to you makes me FEEL LIKE A MAN!`` ``Never backs down from a challenge`` ``noone can COMPARE physically.`` The rest sucked because it sets up a Big Show PPV match until Shannon Moore shows up and takes about the mildest bump I have ever seen him take- which means it would kill most men. The Big Show does his one bump. Lesnar is a blade freak and that rules.

 

- LIVE UPDATES OF THE HONEYMOON! Al is gearing up to stir the stinky stew with Dawn Marie in the limo and Funaki can`t handle the sexual explosiveness of the moment and feels dirty.

 

- Matt Hardy is getting so much closer to basically reciting tracts from ultimatewarrior.com and you are weeping with joy. Moments later, Matt bumps like a freak while blood spews out of the back of Lesnar`s head. Finally, Shannon injects himself and then lands all wrong to make up for the tame earlier bump. Brock bleeds and bleeds to make up for Matt Hardy getting killed. Matt`s prematch speech to Moore and the blood gets it up here and match doesn`t kill it. So that`s that.

 

WHAT DIDN`T WORK-

- Cena vs Rikishi is approaching the uselessness of the Bautista vs D-Von fued from earlier. PIGGLY COLISEUM! AHAHAHAHAHAHAHAH! Of all the amazingly stupid, stupid corporate sponsorship names- that one is the stupidest. Rikishi smacks him early and Cena opts to bump HUGE over the top and into the steps. Rikishi hits a swanky Super Kick and this is as good as this could get at this point. B-2 cheats to TRANSITION! and right when one begins to give a shit about this match, they opt to just book and book and book and book this match to complete poop. The ending was horrendous and kills the okayness of the beginning. Rikishi has had ENOUGH! but it`s too late! He`s gotta get the... ah fuck it.

 

- Chuck vs Bill DeShitt is on and I am not excited. Demott is a bully! A BULLY! Chuck throws punches that are 100 times better than Demott and has a far more of a giant upside than shit-sucking Demott so- of course- you should bury Palumbo. The live crowd farts at this match like a crowd would fart at a any match involving the BULLY! Bill Demott. Chuck hits a fucking great lariat and hits a Belly to belly that smokes anything Demott could ever conjure. Can Of Crowd couldn`t make it to the live taping so the real crowd lets you know that nobody who likes wrestling could possibly give a shit about Demott. I`m with the live crowd on this one. God, he is a turd. Poor Chuck. The WWE can suck my dick.

 

- WHAT THE FUCK HAPPENED TO EDDY`S HAIR?!?!! WHAT THE FUCK?!?! What, he got a court date? A job interveiw? WHAT THE FUCK?!?!? THE FUCK!?!?! Eddy is Eddy. Eddy is better than Juventud. Kidman is Kidman. Kidman is better than Edge. Eddy and Kidman start having a match but then you realize that it is not a match but just an angle to set up a far shittier match. Rikishi comes out and I wonder how the tag champions got dragged into THIS shit. B-2 is Bull Buchanon. B-2 isn`t better than anyone. As we return to action, Eddy and Kidman are back. Kidman hits a thoroughly horrendous lariat but Eddy covers for it with his QUEBRADORA! They try a heatless chinlock and Kidman decides to bump big to set up Eddy back on offense. Eddy hits the giant Superplex after the second chinlock. Eddy misses the Frogsplash and Kidman follows up with a Powerbomb for two. Kidman counters out of second quebradora and hits the RYDEEN BOMB! Kidman does the shittiest reverse of the powerbomb spot in the history of that amazingly shitty spot. Then they make with screwjob and I can no longer care. God, Eddy is better than Juventud who dragged 4 star matches out of Kidman. Kidman is better than Edge- who Eddy dragged four stars out of. Why is this 1 1/2 star match showing up on my screen? I mean, this was dead before the shitty booking kicked in. Meh. I blame Kidman. I have turned on Kidman again. And the aging wrestling fan says, ``Get thee away from me, young shitty wrestler...``

 

- Nunzio and Crash Holly is perfectly fine time killer before the main event, I guess. Actually, this was nothing at all. They are killing the simple beauty of Noble and Nidia like this is WCW or something. It`s a shame.

 

THERE YOU HAVE IT.

 

DEAN RASMUSSEN.

[Rob E Dangerously 0]

So Dean..

 

would you say the reason why Al Wilson married Torrie Wilson's mom and made Torrie is because Al Wilson has a giant penis? God damn.. that had to be about 10 inches long.

 

Uh..

 

EW!

 

*cleans his eyes with mace*

 

Anyways.. Chavo looks bad with his hairstyle now.

 

and we never got the Kidman heel turn!

 

Oh yeah.. Brock has SLOPPY sloppy F5s. He gave out really shitty F5s on Hardy and Moore. I'm sure he's lazy since he was able to "F5" the Big Show (put him on his back and drop him forward)

 

Brock just isn't executing his own finisher correctly anymore

[Guest DEAN RASMUSSEN]

So Dean..

 

would you say the reason why Al Wilson married Torrie Wilson's mom and made Torrie is because Al Wilson has a giant penis? God damn.. that had to be about 10 inches long.

 

Uh..

 

EW!

 

*cleans his eyes with mace*

Rob E pulls the trigger and says what needs to be said.

 

DEAN.

[Rob E Dangerously 0]

Even Alex Wright and Too Cold Scorpio had to feel inadequate when they saw it

[Guest DEAN RASMUSSEN]

Even Alex Wright and Too Cold Scorpio had to feel inadequate when they saw it

Meanwhile, tripod Colonel Tom Parker scoffed for a moment and then went back to cheering on the true mack- Al Wilson.

 

DEAN.

[Guest starvenger]

- WHAT THE FUCK HAPPENED TO EDDY`S HAIR?!?!! WHAT THE FUCK?!?! What, he got a court date? A job interveiw? WHAT THE FUCK?!?!? THE FUCK!?!?!

Didn't Taz mention that Eddy did it to raise money for starving Little Troopers? I mean, far be it for Taz to lie, and Eddy *IS* (a wrestling) God, so there MUST have been noble reasons for shaving the mullet.

[Conspiracy_Victim 0]

What about Dustin? I know he was thinking back with fondness to his WCW days when he wore the jeans that showed..everything...ugh now Victim feel dirty.

[Guest razazteca]

all of this WWE Math is making my head hurt

[Guest razazteca]

- WHAT THE FUCK HAPPENED TO EDDY`S HAIR?!?!! WHAT THE FUCK?!?! What, he got a court date? A job interveiw? WHAT THE FUCK?!?!? THE FUCK!?!?!

Didn't Taz mention that Eddy did it to raise money for starving Little Troopers? I mean, far be it for Taz to lie, and Eddy *IS* (a wrestling) God, so there MUST have been noble reasons for shaving the mullet.

he lost a bet to Bill Demott on a TE3 walk in training segment?

[EL DANDY~! 0]

Eddy loses the mullet...and loses the match. And that is that. I'm serious. I smell a losing streak, until he dons the MULLET WIG OF DOOM~! Then he'll go back to being the great ass-whomper we know him as. Kidman looked blown up. Not Bill Demott Bully Style blown-up...Big Show after 2 minutes with Angle blown up...and I would be remiss to not mention that Al Wilson's body > Vince McMahons. Vince, fuck the grapefruits...look out for the Wilson Whacker...

[Guest Spaceman Spiff]

Dean's love affair w/ Chuck Palumbo brings tears to my eyes. Tears of joy.

 

::sniff::

 

I think I've got something in my eye....

 

::runs from room sobbing::

[Guest DEAN RASMUSSEN]

Dean's love affair w/ Chuck Palumbo brings tears to my eyes. Tears of joy.

 

::sniff::

 

I think I've got something in my eye....

 

::runs from room sobbing::

My thing is- if you are going to push big guys like Albert and Demott, why not push big guys with actual ability and can actually get over, like Chuck has and has done in the recent past. Plus, he has that ass...

 

DEAN.

[EL DANDY~! 0]

Dean's love affair w/ Chuck Palumbo brings tears to my eyes.  Tears of joy.

 

::sniff::

 

I think I've got something in my eye....

 

::runs from room sobbing::

My thing is- if you are going to push big guys like Albert and Demott, why not push big guys with actual ability and can actually get over, like Chuck has and has done in the recent past. Plus, he has that ass...

 

DEAN.

Smell the homoerotic undertones...next thing you know, we'll be saying who looks better in a thong, Chuck, Billy, or mack pimp daddy stud Al Wilson...

[Guest DEAN RASMUSSEN]

Dean's love affair w/ Chuck Palumbo brings tears to my eyes.  Tears of joy.

 

::sniff::

 

I think I've got something in my eye....

 

::runs from room sobbing::

My thing is- if you are going to push big guys like Albert and Demott, why not push big guys with actual ability and can actually get over, like Chuck has and has done in the recent past. Plus, he has that ass...

 

DEAN.

Smell the homoerotic undertones...next thing you know, we'll be saying who looks better in a thong, Chuck, Billy, or mack pimp daddy stud Al Wilson...

c'mon, it's Billy.

 

DEAN.

[EL DANDY~! 0]

Really? I always thought Chyna looked nice in his...

 

Truly, honestly, Wilson's mack daddy tighty (loosey) whitey > Billy's thong

[Guest DEAN RASMUSSEN]

Really? I always thought Chyna looked nice in his...

 

Truly, honestly, Wilson's mack daddy tighty (loosey) whitey > Billy's thong

Well, Al wins because whatever he's sporting underneath has to try to hold back a Big Beef Jackhammer.

 

DEAN.

[EL DANDY~! 0]

Really? I always thought Chyna looked nice in his...

 

Truly, honestly, Wilson's mack daddy tighty (loosey) whitey > Billy's thong

Well, Al wins because whatever he's sporting underneath has to try to hold back a Big Beef Jackhammer.

 

DEAN.

Ha ha ha...I feel like Funaki right now. Right now...I'd SO wanna be the camcorder. I mean, to see Dawn take it all in of course.

[Guest Polish_Rifle]

Thuganomics + Mattamatics = Ratings!!!

 

What was up with the Kidman - Torrie segment? Kidman has about as much charisma as his future father-in-law.

[Guest Jobber of the Week]

Even Alex Wright and Too Cold Scorpio had to feel inadequate when they saw it

Not to mention Test (remember when he first debuted and was wearing these short shorts that showed off his trouser snake way too obviously? You could see middle-aged women and grandmas in the first few rows staring intently at it.)

 

I suggest that next week Al Wilson be wearing one of the Big Show's old "BIG ALL OVER" shirts.

[Guest oldschoolwrestling]

Does anyone think Vince knew about the anaconda and that is why they showed it? And what is Torrie to think after seeing that?

[EL DANDY~! 0]

Vince's grapefruits are holding Little Al Wilson down!

[Guest DerangedHermit]

Vince's grapefruits are holding Little Al Wilson down!

NONSENSE. We all know Al Wilson is the true backstage GENETIC JACKHAMMER~!

[Guest Jobber of the Week]

Will Vince be the first member of the Al Wilson Kiss My Ass club?

 

I suspect after Al's public display of masculinity on SD, Steiner is going to have to take a live tour through Nevada's whorehouses on RAW to try and keep his heat.

[Guest RickyChosyu]

Funaki should have a new segment where he has one of those elementary school slambooks where every wrestler and valet can anonymously write who they think is a fox or a stud. A-Train`s mounting face is right around the corner. REVEL IN IT.

Man, I just about spouted Vanilla Coke all over my computer.

 

Is this what all the kids mean by "A Windex Moment?"

 

Thanks, Dean.

[Guest Quik]

Wow, a workrate report is now a discussion about Al Wilson's massive penis.

 

Al's sportin' a Polish Sausage.

 

I love this board.

[Guest Jobber of the Week]

Ooh, WrestleMania prediction.

 

Al Wilson d. Scott Steiner in a fight over the title 'Freakzilla.'