Rob E Dangerously 0 Report post Posted January 5, 2003 [We go to a dark room, where we see a man anxiously waiting. A door opens.] WELCOME TO [pause] GRAND THEFT T-SHIRT [Leon Sharpe walks into the room, holding up a bag of t-shirts] STARRING LEON SHARPE AS LEON SHARZELLI [The nervous man in the room holds his arms in celebration.] Leon Sharpe - and you didn’t think I’d get those 100 blank t-shirts. Hell man.. all it took was going into this place where they sprayed my car.. Ken - Look, you told me this story when you blew up that t-shirt mill in Northtown. Leon Sharpe - But this time they sent out these vice guys. It’s a shame I had to fire my rockets at them. Ken - You fired rockets at the police? Leon Sharpe - Well, rockets seem to work at blowing up a lot of stuff. Ken - That’s nice to know. Look, we’re supposed to be finding money due to a failed drug deal, not t-shirts. Leon Sharpe - Look, t-shirts are the future. People who use cocaine end up dying or going to jail. T-shirt wearers just don’t die as quickly. Unless it’s from tags. Ken, make the note, don’t put tags on my t-shirts. There has to be a more effective way of noting that. Ken - Leon, the Farkillis are coming down tomorrow to collect our money and we have 45 dollars. Either get it or we’re both dead. Leon Sharpe - Oh yeah, the Farkillis. They seem pleased with me. It seems my t-shirts are snug. Ken - Your t-shirts don’t save me from getting killed! Leon Sharpe - Not unless they’re bulletproof. [sharpe takes out a notepad and writes something down.] Leon Sharpe - I got such a good idea there. Ken - Do you have any ideas on how to get our money? Leon Sharpe - Well, we can run a male prostitution ring with you as the main attraction. Ken - That didn’t work for me in 1979 and it won’t work in 1986. Leon Sharpe - 1986? So.. that’s why Sonny Rockett was attacking me. It’s a shame I had to throw that molotov at him. One more thing Ken, I need a car to fit my needs. I stole a Beetle and it did not work as a getaway car at all. Ken - Goddamnit Leon! We’re gonna be dead soon and you’re concerned about legroom. Leon Sharpe - Well, I’m off to the Nalibu Club to dance and if I get the chance, I’ll shoot the Pillage People, the group performing there and living there. Ken - Shouldn’t you be getting money? Leon Sharpe - Well, I’m sure that Indian has a lot of money on him. Ken - He’s a damn naked Indian, how is he gonna have money on him? Leon Sharpe - You don’t know all the places where money can be stuffed. "CUT!" [Leon looks over at the director.] Director - Leon, you’re not following the script. Bobby.. [Ken looks over.] Director - Good job improvising. [The Director looks at Leon.] Director - Leon, this is a movie about a failed drug deal and the rise of you, as the criminal boss, in Rice City. You must kill Biaz, get Colonel Augusto Sanders out of down, kill some Haitians, kill some Cubans, make a porno movie and run over a prostitute after having sex with her to get your money back. Leon Sharpe - Don’t worry about the prostitute, I covered that seven years ago. Ken - What?? Leon Sharpe - I’m joking. Director - Look Leon, this movie has enough trouble since it’s being used by Rockstar Games for Copyright Infringement. But do you want to sink "Dandy Stealing Car: Rice City" by ranting on t-shirts? Leon Sharpe - yeah… Director- Leon, YOU’RE FIRED! Leon Sharpe - Good, I won’t have to half-ass my acting anymore. I’m ready to return to wrestling. Director - And you should stay there. [Leon Sharpe grabs the director and throws him into the desk. We see that out of the six badges on the top of the screen, three of them are now lighted up as Sharpe outruns studio security out of the building. Sharpe goes thru a ‘pay and spray’ and comes out in different clothes with a slight change in hair-structure. Sharpe goes though the checkpoint and onto a sidewalk.] Leon Sharpe - Ok.. I alluded them all. [sharpe notices an SJL camera.] Leon Sharpe - Hello SJL. You got a behind the scenes look at my previous employment on the ripoff called Rice City. Now, I know it is time to return. Hollywood is not a friend right now. Stallone turned me down for Rocky VI and most movies don’t have 7 feet tall stud roles ready to be filled by me. [sharpe sits down on a sidewalk.] Leon Sharpe - You see, when I left SJL. It was due to what is referred to in the NFL as turf toe. But, in my case, it turns out that toe had an ingrown toenail and it was a pain in the ass. Since I got it removed in November and I had to heal for two weeks, I quit the SJL to devote my time to recovering. I recovered around December but I wanted to watch all the college bowl games instead of wrestle and I did it! [sharpe holds up his arms in victory. We hear a whistle and a referee across the street yells "Pass interference!"] Leon Sharpe - Anyways, in reviewing the happenings in SJL, I am proud of Janus, part of the Arlo & Janus comic strip team for winning most of his matches and winning the Sharpeuropean title. Good job Janus, we know it’s not Marshall, Marshall, Marshall! [sharpe chuckles.] Leon Sharpe - and my decision to return was made after I found out that Ejiro Fasaki was the champion. I mean, come on.. that guy screwed me once. In fact, after my departure, which was not related to any legal troubles over merchandise, SJL t-shirt sales went down. Therefore, I will bring back the t-shirt to prop up SJL until I either win the European title from Jan Brady or the World title from the Iron Chef, Mr. Fasaki. But in my quest to win the title and make more money. I must wrestle, and I will wrestle an insane luchadore. His name is Insane Luchador. Now, I know he does crazy stuff, or else he would not be named Insane Luchador. Insane Luchador, whatever you’re doing ,if it is advanced by defeating me, then it will not advance because you will not defeat me. I will instead defeat you. I will send you to the canvas for a three count or I will make you submit or I will force you to leave the ring for a countout or I will force you to hit the referee. Any way it’s done, I win. Insane Luchador, your reign of insanity must end, as the late Susan Powder said "Stop the Insanity!" and I plan to beat you. But, since I like the fans now, I might help you up if I remember to do so. Insane Luchador, do you GET THE POINT? [sharpe winks, and then we hear people running out. Sharpe’s wanted level goes back up to 3 stars. Sharpe then walks thru a leviating skull and we see this on the screen.] RAMPAGE! KILL 20 MOVIE EXECUTIVES WITH A T-SHIRT GUN IN LESS THAN 2 MINUTES! [And we fade to black.] Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
janusd 0 Report post Posted January 5, 2003 What is it with you egotists and your desire to stick your names onto the European title......? Sharpeuropean.... Ejiropean.... Goddamit, it's staying with me as the EUROPEAN title!!! Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Guest 5_moves_of_doom Report post Posted January 5, 2003 (Y)! *buys a shirt* Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Guest realitycheck Report post Posted January 9, 2003 Oi, how did I miss this for four days? Leon, effing brilliant promo. I loved it to pieces. It's great to have you back, yo. ::buys a t-shirt reading "More Comments, You Bastards":: -Z Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
