your WWE SMACKDOWN WORKRATE REPORT- 1/9/2003!

[Guest DEAN RASMUSSEN]

This week, I will concentrate on the sexual undertones of every match and grade in the same manner. Ohhhhh swwweeeet mystery of liiiife I finallly found YOUUUUUUUUU......

 

What Worked-

- Cena is a pseudo sexual dynamo as he and his bitch B2 hit the ring, but the sheer sexuality of Eddy is beyond the realm of understanding of the pretense of sexualtiy that Cena fronts. The grace and power and commandeering style of Eddy doesn`t rub off on Chavo too much. Whereas Eddy is smooth and artistic, Chavo is the quintessential second son- quieter, introspective, less flamboyant as his famous uncle. He makes up for it with intensity and technique. Eddy does a weird face-turn as he beats on B2 and Chavo hits a pescado. Cena and B2 are implanted Hooters girls compared to the Old World sophistication and natural sexual prowess of the Guerrerros. Cole uses the word ``damn`` incorrectly again. CENA fakes a finish and Chavo is frustrated but there is nothing he can do about.

 

- Al Wilson and Dawn Marie have a montage- a Precious Memories video package of my RAGE AT NOT HAVING A BUCK ASS NAKED AL WILSON UNLEASHING HIS HEAPING HELPING OF FRUIT BOWL UPON THE WORLD. Then they get to the honeymoon video and it dies on the vine when it`s just Dawn Marie swishing he round hinder around in her silk underwear. The build-up for the Mounting Suit that Al Wilson is wearing while he is wearing out Dawn Marie is the ONLY THING we Macks-In-Training can possibly give a fuck about. I`m guessing silk thong with a paisley print, a cigar, black wool socks and Mr Wrestling 2 mask. We await Al to enter our houses via our TV screens any moment now.

 

- Matt Hardy wrestles that worthless hated fuck, Billy Kidman. HA! Let`s see if Kidman can use his meager skills to make me love him again. Matt`s forearm shots are fucking great. Matt`s execution is fucking great- especially countering out of Kidman`s first Sleeper ever. Kidman hits a nice flying elbow and then Matt starts leaning into all his shittier offense to make it look better and then Shannon and Matt bump big to the floor and then Kidman hits the superfun toprope SSP. Then it gets into trading one offensive move each until they head to the finish. Matt tries too much stuff with the aid of his young teenage boy protegee and Kidman shoots his wad and leaves Matt high and dry. Matt, frustrated, turns to a discipline his young friend and mixes his urge to hurt with his overwhelming urge to love the young Shannon Moore. MFers the world over weep at the gentle touching and loving hugging. Kidman did not work his way back into my world of love even with the SSP off the top. I usually don`t give a young man two chances, so he best start getting it in gear before I lose interest in him completely. And why is a cruiserweight champion beating all these heavyweights? That`s just stupid booking.

 

- Josh interviews Torrie and we are still not giving a shit until Al gets on screen. Josh tries to turn this into the Cinderella story but fuck all that- this is all about Al, not his supporting players. Torrrie talks about sticking a glass slipper in Dawn`s tinier areas. At least none of these people are BULLYS!

 

- Jamie Noble and Tajiri have a wrestling match. Noble works on the arm then they do a lotta roll-ups. Nidia and Noble are a sexual powderkeg and they piss it away. The set-up to the Trailer Hitch was fun. The finish was kinda goofy and clumsy.

 

- Charlie Haas comes out with YOUR Team Angle and we are all giddy. Edge comes out alone and that doesn`t bode well. OH WAIT! Benoit comes out and suddenly this is even funner. Haas goes for the arm early and then the do some counters and then they do lots of things to accomodate Edge`s crappier offensive moves. Haas does lots and lots of suplexes and I`m loving this pseudo-Varsity Club `02 gimmick. Edge hits the Vertical Suplex and the 1987ishness of this match is fabulous. Edge hits the Released Belly To Belly and then Edge reverts back to his shitty offensive staples to make this match far less fun than it was. Then hijinx ensues and a crutch to the back leads to Haas`s Modified Jackhammer for the win. The three-on-one wears Edge out- as you could imagine. Benoit gets on the stick and gives Angle the business. Benoit wants Angle`s young bitch tonight and will get Angle`s full magilla at the Royal Rumble.

 

- Benjamin and Benoit go at it. Benoit is awesome being all nifty on the mat. Then Benoit kicks him in the balls and starts beating the fuck out of him. Benjamin takes it to the streets and goes on offense with the Fabulous Belly to Back Suplex `88. The Butterfly Suplex was even neater and this is a fun match- even more fun than the Edge- Haas match. Benjamin with the Northern Lights and the backslide and it`s time for Benoit to cut him off and kill him. The crowd pops for the Locomotion German Suplex and the diving headbutt and the Crippler Crossface and then ALL HELL BREAKS LOOSE! Angle is fucking AWESOME going completely insane with his crutch. Angle is such a fucking great heel. There is nothing I can say to do him justice. The Watts-ian finish with Team Angle grabbing Benoit`s wrist and making him tap is FUCKING BEAUTIFUL. Team Angle is motherfucking awesome is concept and in execution. Benoit needs to be left in a pool of his own blood for it to be completely on the Bill Watts Tip but it was really close enough.

 

- Al is sweating it as his stone cold hoochie ain`t letting him sleep. Plus he knows how sex in the shower can be dangerous with the lack of proper lubrication.

 

- Matt announcing is great. The match is down yonder. Matt is great talking about how he is helping Shannon become a better MFer as he goes deeply into the ultimatewarrior.com realm of fucking great great weirdness. ``Come on, Shannon. Mattitude will lead you to victory.`` Shannon is great yelling, ``I TRIED MY HARDEST!`` and then Matt takes the young man into the bittersweet embrace of his Twist of Fate as Shannon learns that defeat is a cruel mistress. Tough love indeed.

 

- Cena and B2 get jumped and the rudo ass stomp kicks in. Eddy is Eddy. Eddy can`t do anything about B2s shitty punches. Eddy is better than Lyger. Eddy is better than El hijo del Santo. Eddy can`t do anything about how shitty B2`s kicks are. Eddy is better than Misawa and Kawada and Akiyama. Eddy can`t keep B2 from doing his ASTOUNDINGLY shitty lariat. Eddy is Eddy so he does sell it all to make as much of B2`s offense look far less stinky than it usually would. Half way through, Eddy goes into Fit Finlay Versus Shmoe mode and opts to just completely wrestle for two. If he would have actually jumped up into a bodyslam and body slammed himself, I would give him the full Finlay Carry Job point. Eddy appreciated the effort by B2, but- by the end- he had to use his masterful hand to get them both to a satisfactory finish.

 

- Al is the Mack is DEAD! It would have been more accurate if he died in the saddle but it is the WWE and they suck.

 

- A-Train speaks! He talks like he goes to lots of Rennaissance Festivals. Big Show is excited about the vieled threats hurled his way from A-Train because he has always wanted to be in the NUMBER ONE absolutely DIRT WORST fued in the entire history of wrestling. A-Train gets killed by Brock and we all go to bed happy. Brock sells a bunch for his lumbering hairy compadre and they have a good little match. Lesnar`s series of suplexes were mighty impressive, as was the F-5. A-Train was perfectly fine being a large bag of meat for Lesnar to throw around. A-Train is A-Train. A-Train is better than Kidman. I like A-Train more than I like Kidman. A-Train is Albert. Albert isn`t Kidman.

 

What Didn`t Work-

- There was no real sexual tension in the Big Show vs Rikishi match. It was kinda slow and plodding- as Big Slow is like that red neck white girl you dated in your youth who wouldn`t partake of oral sex or move at all when you tried to express your love through humpy, sweaty frantic undulations of your young tender loinic regions. Or he is that big fat boyfriend you had in college who would run out of steam two minutes into sex and thus would never get a rhythm going enough to get you to the promise land and THEN was too much of a useless macho asshole to lay his back and let you get there. Plus you got only the Big Show`s theme once at the end and you couldn`t really hear it and that`s the only thing you want from that useless sack of shit.

 

- Bill Demott. God, he really sucks dick.

 

THERE YOU HAVE IT.

 

DEAN RASMUSSEN.

[Guest Banky]

I love that you love Eddie.

[Guest RavishingRickRudo]

So was the whole 'concept post' just a way to work in "Bill Demott sucks dick" without sounding too bitter?

 

If so, Good Job.

 

They need to continue with Moore acting like the 11 year old son eager to please his abusive father. Have Shannon win a match and Matt get angry at him and Shannon says "What did I do WRONG? I won the match for YOU!" and then have Matt just turn his back on the young MF'er.

 

It's a shame they couldn't flip Al over and just have a close up of the paramedics face w/ DM all flustered and then putting a bed sheet over Al's love tools - because lord knows that mans blood keeps pumpin even after the humpin.

[Guest Bricks]

Bah, it should've been Dawn Marie nearly dying because Al Wilson is a machine.

[Guest DEAN RASMUSSEN]

lord knows that mans blood keeps pumpin even after the humpin.

I want that tattooed across my face.....

 

DEAN.

[Guest AndrewTS]

I'm kinda disappointed that Dean just kinda glossed over Noble vs. Tajiri, because he probably can't get over thoughts of wanting to toss Nidia's salad or hitch his trailor to her tailgate.

 

How could he forget that before No Mercy that Tajiri was the special guest 2nd dick in their dirty white-trash manage trois.

 

Okay, I can't confirm the 2nd dick part, but I'm willing to bet Tajiri brought the chopsticks and dived into her sushi.

[Guest Banky]

lord knows that mans blood keeps pumpin even after the humpin.

I want that tattooed across my face.....

 

DEAN.

That is disturbingly hilarious. I'm sure you could quit your job if you did that. Travel the carnie circuit. I'd go cheer you on.

[Guest Incandenza]

Al Wilson and Dawn Marie have a montage- a Precious Memories video package of my RAGE AT NOT HAVING A BUCK ASS NAKED AL WILSON UNLEASHING HIS HEAPING HELPING OF FRUIT BOWL UPON THE WORLD

 

How do you come up with so many wonderful phrases each week?

[Guest DEAN RASMUSSEN]

Al Wilson and Dawn Marie have a montage- a Precious Memories video package of my RAGE AT NOT HAVING A BUCK ASS NAKED AL WILSON UNLEASHING HIS HEAPING HELPING OF FRUIT BOWL UPON THE WORLD

 

How do you come up with so many wonderful phrases each week?

During my 20s in the 1980s, I worked construction. It doubles your vocabulary for body parts and euphemisms.

 

DEAN.

[Guest AndrewTS]

Al Wilson and Dawn Marie have a montage- a Precious Memories video package of my RAGE AT NOT HAVING A BUCK ASS NAKED AL WILSON UNLEASHING HIS HEAPING HELPING OF FRUIT BOWL UPON THE WORLD

 

How do you come up with so many wonderful phrases each week?

During my 20s in the 1980s, I worked construction. It doubles your vocabulary for body parts and euphemisms.

 

DEAN.

Soo...he had half of these things already? Whoa...

 

I'm still not sure if either case it totally healthy. *I*

[Guest AndrewTS]

- Bill Demott. God, he really sucks dick.

 

THERE YOU HAVE IT.

 

DEAN RASMUSSEN.

Agreed--does he make it a point to deliberately piss us off by doing rudimentary psychology, then fuck even THAT up by doing a finisher that doesn't even affect that body part?

 

By not just beat the fuck out of the poor jobber then with a bunch of power moves? At least that would be a little better.

[EL DANDY~! 0]

- Cena and B2 get jumped and the rudo ass stomp kicks in. Eddy is Eddy. Eddy can`t do anything about B2s shitty punches. Eddy is better than Lyger. Eddy is better than El hijo del Santo. Eddy can`t do anything about how shitty B2`s kicks are. Eddy is better than Misawa and Kawada and Akiyama. Eddy can`t keep B2 from doing his ASTOUNDINGLY shitty lariat. Eddy is Eddy so he does sell it all to make as much of B2`s offense look far less stinky than it usually would. Half way through, Eddy goes into Fit Finlay Versus Shmoe mode and opts to just completely wrestle for two. If he would have actually jumped up into a bodyslam and body slammed himself, I would give him the full Finlay Carry Job point. Eddy appreciated the effort by B2, but- by the end- he had to use his masterful hand to get them both to a satisfactory finish.

I know I would kill see Eddie rudo all over Lyger. In fact, I wanna see the Lyger rudo vs. Eddie rudo match right now. Fuck the tag titles. Let Lyger come over and work for ONE FUCKIN WWE MATCH, and then let Vince fucking DROOL all over it. And Eddy is your true and one god and don't let that crazy hair fool ya...he's still Latino Mack Daddy Heat.

 

And the death of Mack Pimp Daddy Al Wilson is an abomination. The fact that the only mack on the entire show is dead now makes me wanna turn off SmackDown! forever and ever. But then I see Team Angle and Benoit and Los Guerreros and Matt Hardy and Brock Lesnar and I wanna shit myself over my giddyness....

 

And Bill DeMott sucks Albert's hairy carpet muncher.

[Guest DEAN RASMUSSEN]

- Cena and B2 get jumped and the rudo ass stomp kicks in. Eddy is Eddy. Eddy can`t do anything about B2s shitty punches. Eddy is better than Lyger. Eddy is better than El hijo del Santo. Eddy can`t do anything about how shitty B2`s kicks are. Eddy is better than Misawa and Kawada and Akiyama. Eddy can`t keep B2 from doing his ASTOUNDINGLY shitty lariat. Eddy is Eddy so he does sell it all to make as much of B2`s offense look far less stinky than it usually would. Half way through, Eddy goes into Fit Finlay Versus Shmoe mode and opts to just completely wrestle for two. If he would have actually jumped up into a bodyslam and body slammed himself, I would give him the full Finlay Carry Job point. Eddy appreciated the effort by B2, but- by the end- he had to use his masterful hand to get them both to a satisfactory finish.

I know I would kill see Eddie rudo all over Lyger. In fact, I wanna see the Lyger rudo vs. Eddie rudo match right now. Fuck the tag titles. Let Lyger come over and work for ONE FUCKIN WWE MATCH, and then let Vince fucking DROOL all over it. And Eddy is your true and one god and don't let that crazy hair fool ya...he's still Latino Mack Daddy Heat.

 

And the death of Mack Pimp Daddy Al Wilson is an abomination. The fact that the only mack on the entire show is dead now makes me wanna turn off SmackDown! forever and ever. But then I see Team Angle and Benoit and Los Guerreros and Matt Hardy and Brock Lesnar and I wanna shit myself over my giddyness....

 

And Bill DeMott sucks Albert's hairy carpet muncher.

I want Lyger to come in and book RAW like he is booking the NOAH vs NJ Juniors fued. Actually, it would be a good term paper to write- "Bigger Bill Watts Booking Disciple- Jushin Thunder Lyger or Paul Heyman". This year, they are actually running a deadheat in MidSouth angles and heel heat.

 

DEAN.

[EL DANDY~! 0]

Fuck yeah. Give the WWE a TRANSLATOR already. Gerwitz can suck the donkey choad. Allow Lyger to swanky swanky the goodness all over RAW...and bury HHH.

[Guest ManKinnd]

A-Train is A-Train. A-Train is better than Kidman. I like A-Train more than I like Kidman. A-Train is Albert. Albert isn`t Kidman.

Alright, now as much as I enjoy your weekly reports, I must say that you liking Albert better than Kidman is pretty ludicrous. Are you even serious? The guy that hits a friggin SSP plancha and can easily be carried to good-great matches while Albert waddles around as a large sack of worthless shit who hasn't had higher than a * match EVER. No way he's better than Kidman. Kidman may have an annoying moveset, but at least he can be implemented into nice little lucha spots. Just tell me you're not serious. Please.

[EL DANDY~! 0]

ManKinnd, if you read these reports weekly, you know how deep Kidman's hate from DEAN lies...as deep as the farthest reaches as the ocean. Or as far as we've ever gone...anywho. I don't like Kidman because he seems to move REALLY slowly most of the times and his spots are VERY predictable. Maybe he doesn't either?

[Guest DEAN RASMUSSEN]

A-Train is A-Train. A-Train is better than Kidman. I like A-Train more than I like Kidman. A-Train is Albert. Albert isn`t Kidman.

Alright, now as much as I enjoy your weekly reports, I must say that you liking Albert better than Kidman is pretty ludicrous. Are you even serious? The guy that hits a friggin SSP plancha and can easily be carried to good-great matches while Albert waddles around as a large sack of worthless shit who hasn't had higher than a * match EVER. No way he's better than Kidman. Kidman may have an annoying moveset, but at least he can be implemented into nice little lucha spots. Just tell me you're not serious. Please.

Billy Kidman and I have a relationship- he as a wrestler, me as a wrestling fan. Every week he has to justify my love. Some weeks he does, some weeks he doesn't. And A-Train looked better against Brock that Kidman looked against a fucking GUERRERRO so A-Train justifies my love this week.

 

DEAN.

[Guest art_vandelay]

- There was no real sexual tension in the Big Show vs Rikishi match. It was kinda slow and plodding- as Big Slow is like that red neck white girl you dated in your youth who wouldn`t partake of oral sex or move at all when you tried to express your love through humpy, sweaty frantic undulations of your young tender loinic regions. Or he is that big fat boyfriend you had in college who would run out of steam two minutes into sex and thus would never get a rhythm going enough to get you to the promise land and THEN was too much of a useless macho asshole to lay his back and let you get there.

 

Whoa. That's deep.