A Very Special "From The Vault" Double Feature

[Guest 5_moves_of_doom]

Since Mall Brawl III is just around the corner (damn Strangler for not letting me mark it, DAMN HIM!!!) I've decided to post the two previous Mall Brawl's for the benefit of the writer's, and for others too, hopefully. The first match in here comes from SWF Wreck The Halls, the very first WF Christmas PPV (that went side-by-side with "SWF Coroporate Christmas") and has some of the biggest jobbers in the history of the federation duking it out. The goal of the first match was that if a competitor's "ass was scanned" by a mall scanning-thingy, then they were eliminated. JD won, and it was rather bad, but it has a Tickle-Me Elmo spot in it that'll... um, have you in stitched. *cough*

 

The second fabled Mall Brawl was believed to be written by the H-Ville Thugg at "SJL: Save The Drama For Yo Mama"... but sadly, that match never existed, for it was a Battle Royal, so yeah.

 

So, the REAL second Mall Brawl is my third favorite match of all time (which is pretty good considering that #1 and #2 both had a certain Crown Prince of Fash and Panache involved) and was written by an EXCELLENT newbie named "Vanguard." Vanguard came in with a Cyclone Comet-esqu gimmick and had such amazing talent to the point where pretty much everyone thought he was a ringer... but sadly about 4 matches into his career (i.e. when he had to face me) he began no-showing. Anyhow, THIS match was a masterpiece indeed. DOZENS of HILARIOUS spots that flowed EXCELLENTLY and at the same time captured the participant's characters perfectly. This match is even GREATER if you're a movie buff and know of the French film "The Red Balloon," too... since the ticket in the match was inside a red balloon (and whereas MIW's participants KNOW where their balloon is, the competitors in this match had no clue where the fucking ticket was, which only adds to the hilarity). Oh, and Mr. Stark may still be stuck up at the top of the Mall, decaying due to the only match he ever participated in. Sad, really.

 

So, read (I'll post both matches back-to-back), enjoy, and comment... possibly the most jobber-filled horrifying match of all time, and possibly the greatest and most innovate JL match ever written.

 

- Taylor "Mall Brawl 4evah!!" Thompson

[Guest 5_moves_of_doom]

MALL BRAWL I

SWF WRECK THE HALLS - 12.25.00

Sexton Hardcastle vs Jay Dawg vs Kernel McJabbid vs Assassin vs Suicide vs Snow Demon vs Ted Flink vs Iceman

 

 

 

 

 

 

Ben: Welcome to Wreck the Halls, our cameras are now in the mall looking for members of the Brawl In The Mall.

 

Sheep: Jay Dawg is the odds on favorite for this match, due to his higher level of experience.

 

Ben: Speaking of Dawg, our cameras have found him in the Movie Theatre.

 

Dawg is sitting there, watching Road Trip and eating popcorn then sees the Camera.

 

Dawg: Time for the match I suppose.

 

CM: Yep.

 

Dawg: OK, Lets go.

 

Dawg starts wandering around the mall, as a new camera focusses in on Sexton Hardcastme at the food court. He is

eating Japanese food, when Iceman and Snow Demon sneak up on him and start pounding on him right away. Iceman

clocks him with a tray, and Snow Demon throws him through a series of tables. Another Camera focusses on Assasin

who is at Zellers looking at gifts for Christmas when Suicide comes running in and smacks him with a Tickle me

Elmo

 

Elmo: THAT TICKLES!! HAHAHAHA!!!

 

Suicide starts smacking him, and it knocks him out of Zellers. The last camera focusses on Kernel McJabbid at the

local Sony Store, which results in Ted Flink charging at him, but Kernel moving out of the way and Flink goes head

first into a Big Screen TV.

 

Sony Clerk: HEY!!! YOU’LL HAVE TO PAY FOR THAT!!!

 

Kernel: EAT THIS!!!

 

Kernel throws a small TV at the clerk, but the clerk moves out of the way. They eventually make it out of the Sony

store and are brawling in the mall and make it by the Zellers area, which is by Suicide and Assassin. They all attack

each other, Kernel hits a Russian Leg Sweep on Assassin and Suicide hits a boot to Flink, followed by a Cradle

Piledriver.

 

On another Camera Dawg goes into the food court to see Iceman and Snow Demon beating up Sexton, he runs in

and clotheslines Snow Demon, then turns to Iceman and kicks him right in the face.

 

Dawg: I want to kick his ass

 

Dawg turns to a nearly unconscious Sexton and throws him into the deepfryer at the food courts, Dawg then smacks

him into the cash register and scans his ass

 

Ben: Sexton is gone

 

Dawg celebrates but gets Doubleteamed by Iceman and Snow Demon, Iceman hits a Superkick then takes out his

Singapore cane, and cracks Dawg in the head with it multiple times. Snowdemon then throws Dawg’s ass onto a

Deep Fryer, which melts the bar code. Iceman puts Dawg’s ass on a scanner but it won’t scan.

 

Ben: Well it looks like Dawg won’t be eliminated.

 

Iceman and Snowdemon look at eachother then jump into the deep fryer ass first, but jump up in pain from the

annoyingly hot pan.

 

The other camera shows Suicide and Kernel brawling, with Suicide getting the upperhand, they eventually pass some

startled customers.

 

Customer: Hey BEHAVE YOURSELF!!!

 

Suicide: Blow Me You Old Fart!

 

Customer: Why you little...

 

Customer charges at Suicide, but Suicide moves, and tosses the poor bastard into the fountain, he then looks in his

bag.

 

Suicide: OOOHHHH! Cookies!

 

Out of nowhere Chris Sabga plows him over and steals the box of cookies

 

Sabga: I LIKE COOKIES!!!

 

Suicide then gets pummeled on by Kernel as he throws him into the fountain.

 

Another Camera shows Assassin and Flink who are both recovering and Assassin attacks Flink right away, then takes

him to some left over table, and Powerbombs him through two of them. He then takes him into the newspaper store,

and throws him through the magazine rack, Assassin grabs a Playboy magazine, sticks it in his pocket, then takes

Flink and scans his ass on the Scanner.

 

Ben: There goes Flink.

 

Assassin walks out of the store with the playboy flipping through it.

 

Clerk: Hey! Don’t take that! You have to pay! COME BACK HERE!! SECURITY!!

 

The security guards grab Assassin and take him back to the store, the Security guard forces him to give back the

playboy

 

Guard: What should we do with him?

 

Flink: Scan his ass

 

Clerk: Yes! Scan his ass! Then take him away!

 

Assassin’s ass gets scanned, and he is taken away from the store, Flink walks away peacefully.

 

Ben: 3 men are already gone.

 

Back in the food court, Dawg has both Snow Demon and Iceman strapped to chair with their burned asses(with fully

operative barcodes) there asses are exposed, and Dawg calls out some Big Japanese guys, they take Snow Demon

and Iceman into a chair and take them over to the Oriental Massage area. Dawg hands them some money.

 

Dawg: Make them red.

 

A camera follows the two strapped in a chair into the parlor. Where it shows the Oriental guys delivering the Norman

Smiley Wiggle, with huge force, welting there asses.

 

Iceman: AAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!

 

The two with the sore asses eventually convince the two spankers to quit, and let them go. They eventually get out,

with an obvious limp they pursue after Dawg with bad intentions.

 

Ben: I don’t think they are too happy.

 

Sheep: (On the ground having trouble breathing) Poo-oo-r bas-(laughs) tards

 

Dawg eventually gets to the fountain where Suicide and Kernel are brawling, Sabga is in the corner eating the

cookies, Dawg immediately helps out Suicide and attacks Kernel with a right hand and follows it up with a Swinging

Jumping DDT into the water. Suicide says thanx to Dawg with a boot to the gut, he then throws him out of the

fountain, and takes him by the escalator which is filled with a lot of people. Suicide nails an Evenflow DDT onto the

escalator and Dawg falls down it plowing through everyone who is on. Dawg just sits at the bottom, and lies there

nearly unconscious.

 

Other Camera shows Iceman and SnowDemon walking carefully(obviously keeping there asses in a comfortable

position)

 

Ben: I would hate to be those two

 

The camera goes back to Suicide as he goes back to brawling with Kernel after disposing of Dawg , but Kernel is

ready and kicks him in the gut and nail a Russian Leg Sweep. They brawl into Levis Store and Suicide tosses Kernel

though the shelves of Jeans.

 

Ben: Multiple uses here.

 

Iceman and Snowdemon are still walking and finally see Dawg who is lying at the bottom of the escalator. Dawg

finally wakes up and sees them charging after him, so he hops over to the other escalator and runs up it, shoving a

granny down it.

 

Granny: WATCH IT ASSHO....

 

While saying this Iceman knocks her over, then Snowdemon steps on her in their pursuit after Dawg. Dawg gets in

the fountain and dives under.

 

Ben: What’s he doing?

 

Iceman and Snowdemon follow him into it, but Dawg hops out and with a handful of toonies($2 Canadian coin)

tosses them at the two hitting them. Dawg then grabs another handful and leaves the fountain and walks into the

videogames store.

 

Sheep: Is he allowed to do that?

 

Ben: I guess

 

On the other camera it shows Suicide and Kernel brawling into Levi’s store still on top of a display case. Suicide

kicks him in the gut, then sets him up for a Piledriver, in which he does through the case.

 

Ben: OK, that is just ow.

 

Suicide then takes him to the counter and scans his ass.

 

Sheep: There goes the Kernel.

 

In the videogame store Dawg has handed all his cash to the clerks and picked up the game WWF NoMercy and plugs

it into the store’s 64. He instantly creates himself, and starts playing the game.

 

Sheep: What the hell is he doing, he’s supposed to be in a match.

 

During the game Dawg creates, a stalker, a chicken, a hamburger, and a pantless man super fast. Then enters them all

in battle Royal with himself and starts kicking all of there asses.

 

Dawg: I rule!

 

All of a sudden the window breaks and Iceman and Snowdemon come barging in. Snowdemon takes the game and

breaks it in two. Then all of a sudden someone taps on his shoulder.

 

Ben: Who is there?

 

Snowdemon turns around to see a legion of gamers behind him. None of them look to happy.

 

Nerd #1: You Broke a VideoGame.

 

Nerd #2: Not Very Wise.

 

SnowDemon: Bite me you stupid pack of freaks

 

Nerd #3: Your wish...Is our command.

 

With that all the nerds start to attack SnowDemon, six of them start to bite him.

 

SnowDemon: ICEMAN!!! HELP!!!

 

Iceman: Sorry buddy, shouldn’t have broke the game.

 

The nerds take Snowdemon to the cash register, and place him in front of it. Dawg grabs the scanner and scans his

ass. Dawg then whispers something in the nerds ears and they pick up Demon and take him away.

 

Dawg: IT’S CALLED ORIENT MASSAGE!!!

 

Ben: Well, Snowdemon is gone and in for a cruel punishment

 

Sheep: Shouldn’t have messed with the game.

 

Dawg and Iceman start brawling with Dawg getting the upperhand, but Suicide finally finds them and joins in on it,

taking out Dawg in the process. They start to brawl into the middle of the mall.

 

Ben: Well these are the last three guys in here

 

Sheep: Yep, lets see what is happening to the Demon

 

The camera shows SnowDemon in the Oriental Massage place. He is strapped to the chair and his mouth is

ducktaped shut.

 

Sheep: Oh No!

 

The camera then shows the man putting on a steel glove. SnowDemon sees this and his eyes light up in fear.

 

Ben: Oh God No.

 

SMACK!! SMACK!! SMACK!!! Thats all they hear since the camera can’t see anymore.

 

Sheep: Poor Bastard. Lets take you back to the action.

 

The cameras show them brawling into the Athletic store this time. Iceman takes a pair of cleats and smacks them

upside Dawg’s head and attempts to hit Suicide but Suicide instead spears him right there.

 

Sheep: OUCH!!

 

Dawg who has a little blood from the cleat shot, gets up and puts on a pair of Spiked cleats.

 

Ben: He can’t have good intentions there.

 

Sucide turns around to get a Superkick to the chin by Dawg, knocking him backwards and causing blood to come out

of his chin.

 

Ben: OUCH!! That is anything but pretty.

 

Dawg then measures Iceman and winds up for a Superkick again. He lunges but Iceman ducks out of the way and hits

Dawg with a low blow.

 

Ben: Too much pain here

 

Iceman then goes for a waistlock and attempts a German Suplex but Dawg blocks, then shoots his leg straight up and

connecting with a low blow of his own. He turns around and delivers another blatant shot to the nads, which makes

all the customers cringe. Dawg then grabs Iceman and hits an inverted atomic drop crushing the genitals some more.

 

Ben: 3 shots to the junk, that’s gotta hurt

 

Dawg then grabs Iceman’s legs and spreads them, he follows it up with a vicious stomp to the junk with his cleats on.

The customers cringe some more, then Dawg follows it up with a knee to them.

 

Ben: Enough is enough. Thats 5 shots now.

 

Sheep: Iceman is officially not able to have kids anymore.

 

Dawg then turns his attention to Suicide as Iceman just lies there holing his groin, but Suicide is ready for Dawg and

had climbed a structure, and nails a moonsault onto Dawg taking him out.

 

Ben: Great Suicidal Move By Suicide!

 

Sheep: Sure Was1

 

Suicide the gets up and turns to Iceman and picks him up. He takes him to the cash register, and goes for a Belly To

Belly Suplex onto the counter, but while he sets it up, Iceman grabs the Scanner and quickly scans Suicide’s ass.

 

Ben: That was sneaky!

 

Sheep: Suicide does not look to happy about it either

 

Suicide then kicks Iceman in the balls one more time, then pulls his legs out and locks on the Noose.

 

Ben: COME ON!!! LET HIM GO!! HE BEAT YOU FAIRLY!!

 

Sheep: What is fair here?

 

Iceman is screaming in pain as Suicide refuses to let go. Dawg then gets up and peals off the anti theft device from his

cleats and sticks it on Suicide, he then locks on an inverted facelock and hits his Final Thought, KO’ing Suicide.

 

Ben: It’s down to Dawg and Iceman

 

Sheep: A very weak Iceman.

 

Suicide is being escorted out, but when they walk through the door the alarm goes off. The officers look at Suicide.

 

Officer #1: What do you have?

 

Suicide:(drowsily) Nothing

 

Officer #2: I can’t see anything

 

Dawg: HE SHOVED IT UP HIS ASS!!!

 

Officer #1: Well we are going to have to deliver a cavity search then

 

Suicide: NOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!! DAWG YOU ARE DEAD!!!

 

Dawg: DEATH THREATS!!!

 

Officer #2: Come on!

 

Dawg turns to Iceman and tosses him around, he eventually throw hin through the window.

 

Ben: God damn. This is becoming a blood bath.

 

Iceman actually gets up, but Dawg grabs him by the back of the head and just tosses him onto the floor, Iceman gets

up slowly and dazed, but as Dawg walks up to him, he pulls out a low blow.

 

Ben: A little measure of revenge there

 

Iceman gets up and plants him with a Superkick knocking Dawg into the Music store. Iceman then walks right up to

him and gets Bely To Belly and pulls off a Downward Spiral into the shelve of CD’s.

 

Ben: That was mean!

 

Sheep: Sure was

 

Iceman then picks up a bloody Dawg and tosses him over the shelf. He then picks up a case of backstreet Boys CD’s

and tosses them at Dawg.

 

Ben: At least they are putting those hunks of shit into good use

 

Dawg picks up an N’Synch CD and tosses it at Iceman who ducks.

 

Iceman: I Don’t want that crap!

 

Dawg: NEITHER DO I...OOOH Britney Spears

 

Dawg walks over and gawks at a Britney Spears poster, as Iceman walks behind him and kicks him in the testicles.

 

Ben: Eewww that’s gotta hurt.

 

Iceman turns Dawg around, and puts him on his shoulders

 

Ben: He’s setting up for the ice age.

 

But Dawg squirms out, and locks on an inverted facelock and follows it up with his Final Thought knocking Iceman

onto the counter

 

Dawg: Stick a fork in him, he’s done

 

And with that Dawg scans the last ass, Merry Christmas to all, and to all a goodnight.

 

Ben: Merry Christmas Sheep

 

Sheep: Merry Christmas Ben

 

Dawg then looks over and grabs the Britney Spears poster

 

Dawg: Can I keep this?

 

Clerk: Sure

 

Dawg: Merry Christmas Jamie

[Guest 5_moves_of_doom]

MALL BRAWL II

SWF ABSOLUTION - 4.24.02

Frost vs Vanguard vs T-Bone vs Kojack vs Cutthroat vs Jack the Ripper vs The Reaper vs Josh Stark

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

SJL Absolution is in full effect! The screaming fans in the Gund Arena are almost wetting their pants for the umpteen-thousandth time, as the signs wave, the cameras click, and the concession stands begin to empty of their tremendoudly overpriced wares. Time to zoom in on the announce table. MacPhisto, Axis, and The Suicide King beam with pride.

 

-Edwin “Don’t look now, but I think It’s a Pay Per View!”

 

-Axis “I gotta say this was a good idea. The buyrates are off the chart. Look at this incredible Cleveland crowd!”

 

-King “Screw that! Look at me! This event has given me a chance to get into my Sunday best, and if I do say so myself, I look PDG- Pretty Damn Good!”

 

-Edwin “Other than that mustard stain on your tuxedo shirt!”

 

-King “Good one, Edwin, but I’m not falling for it. I just got this one out of the dry cleaners this morning, and haven’t had a bite to eat since I put it on.”

 

-Axis “Edwin, look closer, that’s not mustard.”

 

-Edwin “Hey, I think you’re right. It looks more like a Lewinsky stain.”

 

-King “Lewinsky stain? What’s that? Hey, no way!”

 

King looks down at his shirt as Axis and Edwin snicker among themselves.

 

-Axis “I knew you would look.”

 

-King “That’s not funny. That is not funny at all.”

 

-Edwin “And neither is our main event tonight, where, in their Absolute last SJL event, Erek Taylor and Stryke will finally square off, man to man, with everything on the line. Pride. Honor. And of course, the SJL Title.”

 

-Axis “It’s gonna be vacated when they leave, so both of these guys are going to have to give it all they’ve got! And let me tell you mates, it’s gonna be a slobberknocker.”

 

-King “Alright J.R.!”

 

-Axis “Well, I couldn’t come up with anything else.”

 

-Edwin “That match is a 45 minute long Ironman extravaganza! It better darn well be called a slobberknocker.”

 

-King “But gents, if you are really gents, we also have a brutal cage match between Ash Ketchup and The Game Master, Jacob Helmsley!”

 

-Edwin “Blood, Guts, and Glory for that one, with only one man escaping the steel encased terror.”

 

-Axis “Keep in mind that all three titles are going to be defended tonight, careers will be made, and some careers may be ended.”

 

-King “But first- heh- the most controversial match of them all- ha ha ha ha.”

 

-Edwin “Well, I wouldn’t say that, but this is definitely a great way to start off Absolution.”

 

-King “Great way to start off? By booking a travesty as a match. This never would have happened in the old school. Why, when I was in the ML-“

 

-Axis “King, please. When you were in the ML, you did NOT have to walk through five feet of snow barefoot. Nor did you ever milk your own cows. And if I have to hear one more NTD molestation story, I’m gonna start to believe you enjoyed it.”

 

-King “Grrrrr.”

 

-Edwin “As I was saying- we have an eight man Mall Brawl! That’s right! Eight guys will have to search the local mall, top to bottom, and turn this thing upside down until they find a card that says ‘MALL BRAWL WINNER!’ Until then, it’s a beat down fest for everybody!”

 

-Axis “That’s right, tonight is our Clearance Sale on Brutality, as these men claw, scratch, bite, and fight their way to the top.”

 

-King “Yeah, as king of the dorks.”

 

-Edwin “What these shop-a-holics don’t know is, that we’ve hidden this ticket inside a Red Balloon at the local toy store. But shhhh- nobody tell them, we don’t want to ruin the gorgeous surprise.”

 

-King “One balloon? There’s no way they’ll find it.”

 

-Axis “Of course they will. This is the SJL, you know something weird is going to happen, and someone’s gonna find the balloon, then it’ll accidentally burst, and the person who found it is gonna go for the ticket, then another wrestler is gonna hit their finisher, take the ticket, and become the winner. It’s elementary, stuff like this happens all the time.”

 

-King “Improbable at best. Contrived at not best.”

 

-Edwin “But this is the SJL, nothing is ever contrived.”

 

They all look into the camera while a ba-dum CHING style rimshot sounds. Edwin shrugs his shoulders.

 

-Edwin “I guess we’re all ready to get started. Let’s go to THE MIGHTY MALL for Funyon’s introductions!”

 

Cut to a slick shoppers’ paradise. In the very center, by the information desk, a HUGE group of people have gathered. SJL fans who paid to get into these shots, as well as follow around a bunch of overgrown athletes as they attempt to pound the life out of each other. Seven men stand right near the desk, eyeing each other angrily, while Funyon stands behind the counter with a microphone in his hand, and two security guards flanking him. A zebra- read “referee”- is also on hand.

 

-Funyon “Ladies and gentlemen at the Gund Arena, and ladies and gentlemen of the MALL!”

 

A huge cheer fires up.

 

-Funyon “Thank you, thank you. The following contest, if you can call it that, is a Mall Brawl! Eight men will search this mall for a ‘MALL BRAWL WINNER’ ticket, and the first one to grab that ticket and show it to a referee is the winner! Here are our contestants, in no particular order- first, from Greenwich, Connecticut, weighing in at 244 pounds- Cutthroat!”

 

The makeshift crowd cheers as Cutthroat bows. His opponents look at him with scowls, but say nothing.

 

-Funyon “His opponent. From London, England, weighing in at 178 pounds- Jack- The Ripper!”

 

Jack turns his back on the fans as they boo, looking instead at Funyon, who shrugs, as The Ripper takes off his trench coat and top hat.

 

-Funyon “Their opponent, from Sonoma, California, weighing in at 275 pounds- The Steak Sauce Covered Bastard, T-Bone!”

 

T-Bone raises his fist, after taking a swig of A-1, of course. He then spits a stream into the air. While the people cheer, and a mild “A-1” chant fires up, a little sauce hits Josh Stark in the eye, as he grimaces and turns to Frost.

 

-Stark “Must he do that?”

 

The Icelander merely stands still, as Josh shrugs, and Funyon continues.

 

-Funyon “Introducing next, from London, England, weighing 300 pounds- The Dark Reaper!”

 

Reaper stands, breathing while the crowd cheers him on. Ripper is obviously angry, but seems able to contain himself, for now.

 

-Funyon “The next contestant, from Miami, Florida, weighing in at 240 pounds- Kojack!”

 

The people now begin to boo once again. Kojack’s eyes get wide, and he looks over at Funyon, who immediately indicates the two security guards beside him. Everyone chuckles as Kojack shakes his head, and points to Funyon, indicating a rain check on the ass kicking he wants to give, as Funyon sticks out his tongue and the security guards, grab their nightsticks and pepper spray. Because, as we all know- Mall Security Personnel are too incompetent to wield firearms.

 

-Funyon “Their opponent, from Reykjavik, Iceland, weighing 296 pounds- Frost!”

 

The boos pile on even more now. Frost stands, fist clenched, breathing heavy. He says and does nothing, as Funyon shrugs.

 

-Funyon “O-kay. Moving right along, the next contestant, from Los Angeles, California, weighing in at 220 pounds- Josh Stark!”

 

Stark drops his silver robe, and immediately hops the information desk, much to the surprise of security and Funyon. Immediately, he begins to talk into the microphone.

 

-Stark “Thank you, Funyon, and thank you Cleveland, Ohio- for being grateful enough to have me, and for building this run down, crappy excuse for a mall. I swear, we’ve got run of the mill barrio plazas in L.A. that look like High Society establishments when compared to this dump. But in all seriousness, I’d also like to thank you for hosting this match. In which I, Josh Stark, will win the number one contendership for the TV Title in my very first match!”

 

-Random Fan “Stark you SUCK!”

 

-Random Fan 2 “Shut up, jackass!”

 

-Stark “Awww, don’t worry. I hate you too. I hate every one of you mouth breathers so very, very much.”

 

-Funyon “Umm, Stark.”

 

-Stark “Yes?”

 

-Funyon “My microphone.”

 

Security lifts Stark up and over the desk, while he kicks and throws a bit of a fit, as most spoiled rich kids do. You know, “You can’t do this to me,” and “Do you know who I am,” all of the regular rebuttals, but they do him no good. Back in his place, Stark crosses his arms and fumes, while the crowd gets a little rowdy with cheers for Funyon.

 

-Funyon “Now, where was I? Oh yes. Our final contestant, from an unknown location, perhaps the Batcave, weighing 219 pounds, Vanguard!”

 

But the Dark Knight is not standing with the other seven contestants.

 

-Funyon “Ahem! Vanguard!”

 

With a sudden Whoosh, the Vindicator drops out of the sky on a swing! He begins to glide back and forth, as the fans ooh and aah, and snap pictures. Nightwatch the Owl hovers nearby, until finally, Vanguard unhooks himself, and lands on the floor.

 

-Stark “Show off.”

 

The other seven look at Stark with hatred, and he motions to zip his lip, lock it, and throw away the key while Vanguard stands, tosses his coat to Nightwatch, and shrugs to Funyon.

 

-Funyon “Let me guess- you were out fighting crime- again?”

 

Vanguard nods sheepishly, while Funyon sighs.

 

-Funyon “You’re not supposed to be late, you know that. Anyway, never mind, everyone’s here and accounted for. Gentlemen- start your engines. Absolution is officially begun!”

 

Funyon suddenly shoots off a small pistol, indicating the start of the match, but scaring the crap out of the nearby fans, who think the shot indicates some unnecessary violence. Some of them run screaming away, while others merely peer closer, to see what happened, including a little French boy wearing a Beret and carrying a Red Baloon.

 

-French Boy “Allouett-e gentile Allouett-e… mon dieu, les wrestlers est tres grande!”

 

The French Boy skips away, holding his balloon by the rope, and causing everyone to scratch their head in confusion. But in an instant the contestants are all over each other. Immediately, Jack the Ripper launches himself at Reaper and nails a Dropkick, which is followed by right hands to the dome. Meanwhile, Kojack is nailing stiff chops to T-Bone, backing him up from the desk! Cutthroat immediately sails into the scene, punching Kojack, but the brawler turns around, and decks Cutthroat, knocking him to a knee. Not too far away, Josh Stark nails a hard punch to Vanguard, who absorbs, and then turns to Stark. The Filmmaker’s son, starts to stand his ground, looks over Van one time, and then bolts, with Vanguard in hot pursuit. Unfortunately, Frost blindsides the Dark Knight with a clothesline, and sends him to the floor.

 

-Vanguard “You.”

 

-Frost “Avenge this.”

 

Frost grabs him around the neck, and lifts him up, tossing him across the information desk, and sending Funyon and Friends scrambling. Stark comes behind him.

 

-Stark “Hey, great moves. Call me crazy, but Frostee my friend, this would be the perfect time for us to team up.”

 

Frost begins to stalk the quintessential heel, but Stark holds up his hands in peace.

 

-Stark “Whoa, big guy, come on. Two heads are better than one. And once we find the ticket, every man for himself.”

 

The larger man prepares to beat down Josh, but suddenly stops, and nods. Immediately, Stark begins to walk away.

 

-Stark “There’s our best bet- the department store.”

 

Silently, Frost makes a beeline for the store, while Vanguard peers over the desk, ready to pursue. But wanting some action, Cutthroat suddenly approaches with a kick, one that Vanguard ducks, and returns by leaping over the table and dropkicking Cutthroat to the floor. The King of Jobbers stands, and ducks a Vanguard chop, locking him up back to back, and dropping the Dark Knight to the ground in a Neckbreaker. The fans begin to feel the sympathy pains, as Vanguard rises, and looks at the celebrating Cutthroat. Feeling the eyes of Vengeance upon him, he does what any normal person would do.

 

-Cutthroat “Uh-oh-“

 

He runs.

 

-Fans “Go Cutthroat Go! Go Cutthroat Go!”

 

While Blind Justice pursues Cutthroat, Ripper slams Reaper’s head into a nearby fake palm tree, while Kojack is taking it to T-Bone near a bench! A quick hip toss puts the Boner (heh heh heh) onto the ground, and Kojack nods.

 

-Kojack “You like that, b—ch? Do you?”

 

A kick while T-Bone is down seals the deal, then Kojack gets him back up! He goes to whip him, reversed, and T-Bone sends Kojack right into the window of a music store! The crash scares the customers out of the store, but most of them wait there to view the brawl.

 

-T-Bone “You can’t beat me Jack. Why did you even show up?”

 

T-Bone steps through the broken window and lays in the kicks! A nearby referee moves a little closer to see the action, and T-Bone begins rummaging through some sheet music to find the Winner’s ticket, with no success. Unfortunately for him, Kojack rises, and nails a hard low blow! Doubled over, the SSCB is placed in pumphandle position, and then hoisted onto Kojack’s shoulder! He is then planted down in a hard Pumphandle Slam, and kicked over, as Kojack grabs a nearby guitar. He plays a string, raises it up, and then smashes it over T-Bone’s head, splitting it into several pieces of wood, string, and metal! The clerk gets his undies in an uproar, and hustles over to the harbingers of destruction.

 

-Clerk “That guitar costs 600 dollars! And that window’s gonna be at least 400! What the hell are you doing?”

 

-Kojack “Is the Mall Brawl Ticket in here, jerk?”

 

-Clerk “Hey, I’m not a jerk! I’m a CLERK! And no, no one put any ticket in here. This is all for that stupid wrestling match, isn’t it- UMMPH!!”

 

A swift clothesline from Kojack puts the poor guy down.

 

-Kojack “That’s all I needed to know. Happy hunting, Sirloin!”

 

He stomps on T-Bone, and then exits to find the ticket elsewhere. Unfortunately, he does not see his archenemy rise to his knees, with blood on his forehead, and a grimace in his eyes.

 

Meanwhile, not too far away, a guy in a Panda Suit greets customers to the local Kay Bee Toy Store. That is, until two of his customers enter fighting! Panda Guy scurries away to get help while Cutthroat is thrown into a bin of stuffed animals! As he gets up, his vengeful assailant front locks him, pulls him out, and plants his head on the floor in a hard Jumping DDT! The counter staff is up in arms, and begins throwing nerf balls at the vandals, but to no avail. Vanguard raises Cutthroat up, and chops his chest several times, causing audible slaps. The poor jobber then finds his head rammed into the nearest toy shelf, sending little plastic dolls of N*Sync dropping like rain to the floor. One of the packages opens, and Vanguard accidentally steps onto a Justin Timberlake figure, complete with curly blonde hair. His foot rents the young pop star doll’s clothes asunder, and the Dark Knight bends down to pick up the now naked, and asexual doll.

 

-Vanguard “Hmmm- Anatomically correct.”

 

He tosses the doll, nailing Cutthroat square in the forehead, before going to the coloring book section. Tearing out books, and brochures, the Vindicator fails to find the ticket, and so backs away, bumping into someone in the process. He turns around, to find the Little French Boy, nearly in tears!

 

-French Boy “Mon Dieu! Ballon! Ballon!”

 

-Vanguard “What?”

 

-French Boy “Ballon Rouge!”

 

What the poor Dark Knight doesn’t know is that he knocked the little boy down, causing him to let go of his Red Balloon. The low ceiling stops it from getting out of arms reach, but now, the boy’s favorite toy and companion is one of many Red Balloons looking for a master. And Vanguard isn’t sure which one belongs to Frenchie.

 

-French Boy “Sil vous plait, monsieur, mon ballon.”

 

As Vanguard looks at the Beret adorned child, confusion written on his face, a Tonka Truck nails him in the head! Vanguard staggers backwards, and that is all the newly risen Cutthroat needs! He grabs the Dark Knight around the waist, and lifts him up and back for a huge Belly to Belly suplex, as the little boy, wide eyed, stares in disbelief!

 

-French Boy “Bon Dieu Omnipotente (Good God Almighty)! Une Suplexe Belly-to-Belly (A Belly to Belly Suplex)!”

 

Cutthroat grabs one of the Red Balloons, and hands it to the French Kid, as he smiles.

 

-Cutthroat “Here you go, Little French Boy. And remember, don’t do drugs!”

 

-French Boy “Oui. Si je ne suis jamais vous (Yeah. So I’ll never be like you)!”

 

-Cutthroat “That’s a good little French boy.”

 

He straightens out the boys Beret, and walks out, waving to the boy and to the counter staff of the toy store. Outside, Cutthroat sees a passing referee, and motions for him to come along!

 

-Counter Person “But, But you just gave the boy- oh never mind.”

 

Vanguard rises, shakes off the cobwebs, and sees everyone standing, looking towards the exit of the toy store. He grabs the boy by the shoulders, and bends down.

 

-Vanguard “Where?”

 

The boy points, and the Dark Knight nods, tussles his hair, and is gone, while the Counter staff tries to explain to him what happened. The little Boy shrugs, waves to the toy store staff, and then exits.

 

-French Boy “Aurevoir!”

 

Closer to the center of the mall, a woman walks by a rack of lingerie. Not seeing anything in her size, she leaves, and from behind a rack of form fitting cross-your-heart bras, two large men peer out.

 

-Stark “Okay, the coast is clear.”

 

-Frost “Are you sure?”

 

-Stark “Yep, I’m sure, this’ll give us time to look through this Lingerie section for the ticket.”

 

-Frost “Why here?”

 

Stark pauses, shaking his head, then looks at Frost.

 

-Stark “Come on, Frost. This match will never win without some gratuitous T & A! And what better place to find T & A, than in the lingerie section of a Department Store. Now my friend, if I can direct your attention to that curtain over there, you will notice that it is the changing room for this entire department. And that, is where we are headed.”

 

-Frost “Why?”

 

-Stark “Because, big guy, that’s where the ticket is. Not to mention the half naked women.”

 

Frost tries to hide his excitement while he follows Josh to the curtain. They peel it back, and stark grabs the first fitting room door.

 

-Stark “Maybe its in here!”

 

He YANKS the door off the hinges, and the beautiful C cup sized creature within screams her head off. Not that it hinders the two wrestlers any.

 

-Stark “Well, it’s not the winning ticket, but I’d say we hit paydirt!”

 

-Frost “Indeed!”

 

The woman yells at them to get out, but Frost goes to the room across from her and yanks that one off. Finding the second woman to be even more well endowed, droolage abounds!

 

-Stark “Frost.”

 

-Frost “Yes?”

 

-Stark “I think this is the beginning of a beautiful friendship!”

 

Possessed like sixteen year old adolescents, the two giddy contestants go to the next door, nearly tearing it asunder. And finding there a not so well endowed woman, but this one not yet adorned by the new bra she is trying on. A large pause ensues. Stark nearly faints, but Frost holds him up, his sense of duty getting the best of him, even for a split second.

 

-Frost “Not here?”

 

-Stark “On second thought. You can win the match, Frost. I’m going to stay here for a few minutes.”

 

The beautiful nubile young girl in the room tries to cover up using loose clothes, and she yells with daggers for eyes! Frost backs away, and rips the hinges off of the fourth and final door, still looking at the topless beauty. He becomes even more excited as the woman inside this door begins to talk.

 

-Woman “Well, aren’t you a big- STRONG man!”

 

Frost’s eyebrows shoot up.

 

-Woman “I just love muscles. Turn around so I can see your face, sugar.”

 

The Icelander turns around, feeling more virile than ever before, and as he finishes his 180, his jaw drops to the floor. There, in front of him, and completely naked, is a woman spilling over with a Double D chest, full lips, and long lashes.

 

-Frost “Oh god-“

 

Too bad the woman is well over two-hundred fifty pound!

 

-Frost “NO!”

 

-Woman “Oh, don’t be afraid sugar, momma’s gonna take real good care of you!”

 

The woman (who possesses incredible agility for a big girl) grabs him around the arm and yanks him inside, showering him with lipstick staining kisses, and throwing lingerie and plus sized clothing all over the place.

 

-Frost “Oh, dear god, no!”

 

-Woman “Oh yes! Yes baby!”

 

Stark, hearing commotion, runs to the door.

 

-Stark “Frost, you old devil you- Oh my God!”

 

Seeing the engorged form of the woman who calls herself “Momma,” Stark stifles a retch, before backing away.

 

-Woman “Oooh, your little friend wants to join in! Well come on, soldier, the more the merrier!”

 

-Stark “Um- no ma’am. Frost, you’re on your own!”

 

-Frost “Stark! Save me! Please!”

 

-Stark “I value my life, Icelander!”

 

Josh runs at top speed, while Frost tries to pull himself away from the cat like grip of an aroused and naked 250 pound woman. Cellulite and stretch marks fill his gaze, and with sudden determination, Frost is able to push the woman up against the wall.

 

-Woman “Ooh, you like it rough, huh baby?”

 

Wham! She suddenly slams him through the door! Frost’s eyes widen in horror as the woman pulls on some stretch pants and an undersized shirt.

 

-Woman “Momma’s got all the roughness you can handle, sweetheart!”

 

With freedom mere feet away, Frost does what any strong, self-respecting man would do. He gets to his feet! And he bolts!! To his chagrin, however, Momma’s chasin’ her little boy!

 

-Woman “Come on back, baby, I still got some sugar left for you! I don’t think you’re ready for this bootylicious jelly!”

 

-Frost “Stark. I’m going to kill you.”

 

At the far end of the mall, many yards away from Frost’s love affair, a robed and cowled figure stands in front of SNK vs. Capcom 2. Using Iori to the fullest, the game player pulls off the deftest of moves until suddenly, his playtime is interrupted by the loud sound of two brawlers entering the arcade! Reaper and Ripper are fighting! And the contest seems to be favoring the faster Jack! A low blow doubles over Reaper, and Jack uses the advantage to place his mortal enemy into a headscissors. He hooks the arms, and hops up into the air, but instead of coming down, he finds himself still raised! Frantically, he kicks his legs, but to no avail! The Dark Reaper stands up, and tosses Jack backwards and over him, crashing into a pinball machine!

 

-Reaper “This is the End-“

 

He lifts up the Ripper, and gets him into a Death Vally Driver reversed! Holding him high into the air, he begins to come down for the feared Jack Bomb, but Jack is able to twist in mid air, and lock the neck! He falls down into a DDT! Both of them lay, spent, on the ground, while the arcade’s manager yells at both of them to leave. The Man at the SNK vs. Capcom 2 machine shakes his head sadly.

 

-Ripper “The End for you, Reaper!”

 

-Reaper “C’mon.”

 

They both rise, and the faster Jack pummels the Dark Reaper like crazy with kicks! He dodges as the Reaper tries a clothesline, and tries a Boot, which glances off of Reaper like nothing! Immediately, Ripper charges in, and gets grabbed around the neck by two hands! Reaper lifts him off of the ground, and tosses him back, right into the SNK vs. Capcom 2 machine! Whining after the impact, the machine suddenly turns off, and the man in front of it looks at the screen in disbelief. Reaper and Ripper both stand to face off, but the man suddenly speaks out.

 

-Man “Did you just break my game?”

 

Ripper and Reaper both look at the hooded figure, then at each other.

 

-Ripper “Go pick another one.”

 

-Reaper “And Leave us be.”

 

The man nods, then removes his cowl. Both Ripper and Reaper show telltale signs of fear as the robed figure looks on them with recognizable features!

 

-Thoth “I’ve got a better idea-“

 

The WF Superstar’s cameo causes the crowd to burst with pop! He immediately grabs the two behind the head, and rams them into each other! Stunned with awe, neither man can resist, as Thoth turns them both around, close to the door, and then pushes both of their heads hard into the change machine! Golden Tokens spill out of the little dish, and both Englishmen hold their heads with shame and pain, as Thoth swiftly boots their asses out of his arcade.

 

-Thoth “Jlers- go figure.”

 

He immediately goes back in to try and fix the crossover hit 2-D fighter while Reaper and Ripper contemplate going back in and getting revenge! But they both think the better of it. After all- it IS Thoth, and they ARE enemies! Immediately, they are at each others’ throats again, and a nearby ref follows! But neither of them know that not too far from their position, Kojack is searching a Drug store for the Winning Ticket, leaving no stone unturned. Behind the Pharmacy desk, he demands that the Pharmacists on duty tell him where the ticket is hidden.

 

-Pharmacist “I told you, I don’t know what you’re talking about!”

 

-Kojack “Bulls—t! You know!”

 

-Pharmacist “I really don’t!”

 

Kojack thrusts the man away, while a woman, also a Pharmacist, tends to him. He knocks down bottles, and spills papers all over the floor, before a familiar voice calls to him.

 

-T-Bone “Kojack!”

 

Knowing the unmistakable voice of his hated foe, Kojack leaps over the Pharmacy counter and back into the main store. He stands at the end of an aisle, where, at the other end, he sees the SSCB, standing there.

 

-T-Bone “You’ve gone too far.”

 

-Kojack “Shut up! I’m gonna find that ticket, and win MY title back!”

 

-T-Bone “Your title? That title is mine!”

 

-Kojack “Not after tonight.”

 

Silence. A loose tumbleweed rolls by, what a tumbleweed is doing in a Drug Store, nobody knows, but on either side of the deoderant, contact lens solution, and feminine hygiene products aisle, stand the two enemies. They both squint their eyes and wiggle their itchy fingers. T-Bone, for some reason, is chewing on a straw. The check-out girl ducks, and puts up a closed sign, and everyone else watches with anticipation as they face off.

 

-T-Bone “It ends now.”

 

-Kojack “Grraaarrrr!”

 

The former ECW superstar takes a running start, as T-Bone stands there, his hands down to his side! As it seems that Kojack is going to bowl him over, T-Bone suddenly reaches to either side, and grabs two Squeezable bottles of A-1 Steak Sauce from the shelves! He opens the tops, and squeezes them, sending the contents of spicy brown goodness spilling onto the floor right in front of Kojack! His rival slips, slides across the floor, and falls into the puddle of Sauce while the people around cheer! Finally, Kojack comes to a halt right in front of T-Bone, who blows across the tops of the bottles, caps them, and then does a bit of a strut before dropping down and landing his fist right in Kojack’s gut! The lighter man sells, and then gets raised up by T-Bone!

 

-T-Bone “This is over, pardner!”

 

The SSCB locks his hands in T-Bone position! He tries to lift, but Kojack is able to kick his legs and is set back down, kicking his leg and taking out T-Bone’s left hamstring! As he favors that muscle, Kojack immediately goes down, taking both of the legs out in a Double Leg Takedown! T-Bone lands on the floor, and the Steak sauce there gets mopped around by the bodies as Kojack tries to get to his feet!

 

-Kojack “Come on, jackass. Get up!”

 

Immediately, the Kojaculator grabs the ankle of T-Bone, and locks it up, scissoring with his leg and putting tons of pressure on it! T-Bone begins to cry out, and Kojack only lays on harder with the Torque, his submission finisher!

 

-Kojack “Yeah! Come on, T-Bone! Let’s see that Steak Sauce now!”

 

Kojack rears back, the unbearable pain on T-Bone’s leg a struggle to deal with, until T-Bone suddenly kicks back his leg! He catches Kojack on the left knee, and Kojack loosens his hold a little, enough for T-Bone to turn the entire contraption around and get behind the rising Kojack! Immediately, he grabs a rear waistlock, lifts, and puts Kojack down in a hard German! The people nearby cheer, as T-Bone tries to take some weight off of his right ankle. He signals to the people.

 

-T-Bone “Is it here?”

 

-Counter Person “No, sorry. We don’t have it! I hear its somewhere near the Toy Store, though.”

 

-T-Bone “Hmmm. Well, Edwin is commissioner, so it makes sense. Thank you for you cooperation.”

 

He grabs Kojack by the hair, and begins to leave the drug store.

 

-T-Boen “And you, are coming with me!”

 

A large figure enters the food court. Most of the people stop what they are doing, and glance in his direction as he looks about. Frost, the Icelandic Wonder, looks over his shoulder to make certain he isn’t being followed. Not far away, he sees Reaper and Ripper going at it! Reaper suddenly lifts Ripper into the air, and drops him through a Food Court table! Never one to back down from action, Frost stalks the Dark One, and approaches. Jack seems to be destroyed, his body all but broken by that table, but with Frost’s presence, Reaper becomes distracted! The two large men approach each other, and Frost runs full speed! He charges the taller man, and knocks him to the floor! Then he picks up a chair, and tosses it at the Reaper, who rolls out of the way as it falls! The 300 pounder picks himself up, and locks up with Frost, who rams a knee into Reaper’s gut! He then lifts up Reaper, scooping his arms, and falling backwards, just able to toss Reaper back and to the floor! An incredible fallaway slam on the humongous Reaper!

 

-Frost “Where is it?”

 

The Reaper tries to get away, and finds kicks raining on him, until a blur catches Frost’s eye! He catches barely a glimpse of purple tights before his head is locked, he is spun, and then planted to the ground! Cutthroat leaped off of a nearby table and executed a perfect Tornado DDT!

 

Now Reaper is getting back up, and Frost rises to his feet, only to pause as Cutthroat begins to laugh at him. Frost looks up at him, and then at Reaper, who appears to be stifling laughter behind his dark half mask as well. Irate, Frost simply launches himself forward and clotheslines both of them to the ground! He then whirls around as he hears a voice behind him.

 

-Stark “Hey big guy. You find it yet?”

 

Frost glares at his “partner.”

 

-Frost “Stark!”

 

-Stark “Sorry about that buddy, no hard feelings, but a good warrior knows when he’s outgunned- what the hell!”

 

Stark chuckles, then tries to stop laughing as he points at Frost’s chest.

 

-Stark “What the hell is that?”

 

Frost looks down, and is just as surprised as anyone to see a flesh colored brassiere on his torso! He sighs, ripping the undergarment off and tossing it aside as Stark nearly explodes with laughter.

 

-Frost “Don’t ask.”

 

-Stark “I don’t plan on it. Look, someone said that the ticket was in the Toy Store, I think we should look there.”

 

-Cutthroat “HA! I was there already, no ticket!”

 

As Cutthroat picks himself up, Stark approaches.

 

-Stark “I don’t care where you were. If I want your opinion, I’ll give it to you.”

 

Cutthroat goes for a lock up, but Stark explodes with a knee to the chest! Cutthroat staggers back, and is fodder for stiff Chops by Josh! The jobber is pushed back, and Frost goes to Reaper once more, to deliver some boots!

 

-Reaper “Get off.”

 

The big man rises, in spite of Frost’s boots, and the Godzilla vs. Mothra has begun! The two monsters soon lock up, and Frost seems to be getting the upper hand, until suddenly, Reaper grabs Frost close, lifts him in a Bearhug, and then slams him down to the ground! Frost rises not long after, and reaches out, slapping a hand around The Dark Reaper’s neck, but soon the Icelander finds himself choked out- by TWO hands! Reaper lifts up, both of his hands on Frost’s neck, and then he slams the Frigid One down to the floor! The sickening thud coincides with Frost’s pain, and he writhes on the ground, while Reaper stands there!

 

-Reaper “The End is near-“

 

But the victory is short lived, as Reaper is grabbed from behind the head, and Bulldogged into a nearby table, his head bouncing up, before his assailant, the risen Jack, locks him up, pushes his foot off of a table, and then comes down from on high! He lands on his BUTT, painful, but not as painful as the snapping of the Reaper’s neck as he falls to the ground!

 

-Ripper “The Ripping!”

 

But as Ripper turns to continue his quest for the Winner’s card, his right leg is suddenly knocked from under him! As he falls to the ground, his attacker stands behind him from the Rolling Tackle.

 

-Ripper “Not you again.”

 

Standing in front of him is the Dark Knight- Vanguard! And he doesn’t look happy. Ripper rises, and approaches Van, going for a dropkick, but the Vindicator dodges the move, and Ripper lands flat on his back! Adding insult to injury, Vanguard executes a beautiful standing moonsault, landing on top of Ripper and knocking the wind out of him. Vanguard stands, and looks up just in time to see a newly risen Frost charging for a clothesline, which he promptly ducks! The off balance Frost is soon mounted over the shoulders, and Vanguard begins to unload on his dome-piece with punches from the Guillotine position! Frost tries to battle back with a Powerbomb, but Van swifly shifts positioning, locking his legs around the neck, and dropping Frost to the floor in a Hurricanrana!

 

-Vanguard “For Vengeance-“

 

Suddenly, Kojack’s head is rammed into a nearby trash can flap by T-Bone! The two rivals have just entered the fray, and immediately join in the fun! T-Bone goes directly for the fallen ripper, while Reaper, who is getting to his feet, walks over to Kojack, and decides his time would be well spent laying into his body with forearms! Vanguard looks over, and sees Stark, not far away, double Cutthroat! He immediately hooks a leg, and flips Cutthroat over with a Fisherman Buster through the table located behind him! The crash sends leftover Taco Bell scattering all over the place, and Vanguard immediately rushes over! Josh looks over his shoulder at the approaching Vanguard, and sidesteps just as a Freelancer explodes! The Dark Knight goes careening into a group of nearby chairs, and lands exhausted on the ground!

 

-Stark “Well, well- if it isn’t the Mighty Master of Vindication! You know, your story would make a great movie- if you weren’t such a Tool!”

 

A hard kick emphasizes Stark’s last word, and afterwards, he lifts Vanguard up! Immediately, he finds his head snapped back by two-piece punches to the dome! Stark looks up, and finds a kick headed his way! He grabs the loose leg, but Van fires another one up! Josh leans back, and the Enzugiri misses, allowing him to run in for a knee to Vanguard’s mid section! After being doubled, The Vindicator is flipped up onto Stark’s shoulders! He runs for a few steps, and then brings Vanguard down to the floor with a hard thud! The Dark Knight arches his back in pain, and tries to rise.

 

-Stark “Heh, looks like Vengeance is mine!”

 

Only a few feet away, Reaper is taking it to Kojack, lifting him up and putting him down again with an Electric Chair drop, while T-Bone lays into Ripper with hard chops. But during this entire cacophony of violence, the little French Boy from before skips into view, Red Balloon in hand, and sees Josh Stark taking it to Vanguard. Suddenly, the Boy approaches.

 

-French Boy “Monsieur. Monsieur!”

 

-Stark “Go away, you stupid Frog!”

 

He grabs the boy’s balloon paying no attention to Vanguard, and the boy curses angrily in French!

 

-French Boy “Put! Tu es un put! Epeche!”

 

He kicks Stark in the shin, causing the wrestler to double, and immediately goes for the money shot, the punch between the legs! Like an episode of America’s Funniest Home Videos, Stark’s eyes bug out, and he nearly falls, as the little boy scurries away and scowls angrily. Unfortunately, Josh has let go of the balloon, and it flies up towards the lights above!

 

-Stark “Now look what you did!”

 

-Cutthroat “Hey, don’t mess with my French fan!”

 

Cutthroat approaches Stark now, and the others are a mess of legs and arms, including the newly risen Frost, who is laying in to pretty much everyone. The entire group seems to be near each other as the Balloon continues to sail upwards, and even farther upwards and out of reach! Vanguard stands, and prepares to enter the fray. The Melee almost gets out of control, and the nearby refs watching begin to fear for the safety of the people nearby until-

 

POP!

 

-French Boy “Oh non!”

 

Everyone looks up. The refs. The fans. The Beret wearing French Kid, and even the Wrestlers. The red balloon has popped. And its contents come out. Some confetti. A few streamers. And a golden card with intelligible words printed on it. It spins, sways, and falls closer to the wrestlers, who are now fixated with its contents.

 

-Stark “That’s it!”

 

-T-Bone “It’s mine!”

 

-Kojack “I’m getting it!”

 

-Cutthroat “Stand Back!”

 

They all prepare to go for the ticket as it falls closer, and closer to their location! Everyone holds their breath with anticipation! Everyone except for Vanguard, who lets loose with a loud whistle.

 

-Stark “What the hell?”

 

He goes for an elbow, which Van ducks, and then turns back to the falling ticket! It comes down. Just within arms reach!

 

-Reaper “I’ve got it.”

 

The tallest man reaches up, while the rest prepare to jump! It seems just beyond their fingertips as it spins, seeming to hover in air, and then-

 

-Ripper “Yes!”

 

Hooo!

 

A blurr swiftly flies by, just above their hands, and snatches the ticket up in mid air! The seven wrestlers peer after it, the figure of a large, dark owl, speeding away with their ticket to the number one contendership! And the Dark Knight, Vanguard, is running top speed after his pet to claim it!

 

-Cutthroat “Get him!!”

 

They all begin to run, some faster than others, but as fast as they can after Nightwatch! He flies up to the second floor, and into the Sports Authority, where he lands high up on a shelf and holds the ticket, awaiting the arrival of the superstars. As he climbs the escalator, Vanguard arrives on the second floor right outside of the Elevator, where Josh Stark steps out and greets him.

 

-Stark “There you are, Dark Knight. I just want you to know, I’m not leaving your side for one second. If that owl of yours comes to give you the ticket, I’m gonna be right there to take it!”

 

-Vanguard “You’re starting to annoy me.”

 

-Stark “It’s my Hollywood charm, you’ll get used to it.”

 

Vanguard runs off into the Sports Authority, with Stark in hot pursuit, and the others following not too far behind! Van begins to look around, while Stark chases after. And a few seconds later, the others enter the room and begin to disperse.

 

-Kojack “That Owl is mine!”

 

-T-Bone “Not if I get it first!”

 

Frost lumbers in, and immediately begins to stalk Nightwatch, while T-Bone heads for the team sports section! Cutthroat goes for the singles, and Kojack- well, he heads for the redneck section- a.k.a. the guns.

 

-Kojack “It’s hunting season.”

 

Stark follows his charge close. Annoying the piss out of Vanguard, but determined not to make it easy!

 

-Stark “So what’s the plan, Dark Knight?”

 

-Vanguard “Vengeance- on you!”

 

-Stark “Is that so.”

 

He chuckles a bit, turning to read the aisle signs and determine which section he is in.

 

-Stark “Well, you’re my only ticket to this win, so don’t expect me to let you go.”

 

He turns back to Vanguard, and of course, is completely miffed when the Vindicator is gone.

 

-Stark “Then again, you can disappear at will, so who am I to hold on to you?”

 

Stark sighs, and begins the search.

 

-Stark “Where could he go?”

 

Meanwhile, in men’s athletic wear, Reaper and Ripper face off! The big man tries to lock in a facelock, but Ripper immediately goes for the low blow, and kicks Reaper in the face! He then grabs a tee shirt, rolls it up, and chokes Reaper with the shirt around the neck! Jack pulls down, making it hard for the Dark One to breathe, and grabbing a nearby sale pole, the Ripper nails his arch-nemesis in the head! Another shot, and Reaper goes down, nearly done! Jack celebrates, but is soon grabbed and set on top of someone’s shoulders. He doesn’t have time to adjust, but is brought down on his shoulders backwards! He hits the ground, and is almost out cold as his attacker stands.

 

-Stark “No fun for you. And now, to find Vanguard.”

 

On the other side of the large store, T-Bone and Cutthroat both pick up random balls. T-Bone has a football, and Cutthroat a basketball!

 

-T-Bone “I’m going first! He’s mine!”

 

-Cutthroat “You’ll miss!”

 

The Bone launches the football with all of the accuracy of a Quarterback- in Elementary school! The ball sails wide of Nightwatch, who watches it pass, and then hoots his disapproval!

 

-Cutthroat “Told ya!”

 

-T-Bone “Jackass!”

 

-Cutthroat “My turn! My turn!”

 

He rears back, and tosses the Basketball at top speed! Somehow, it barely misses the owl, bounces harmlessly off of a nearby rack, and falls to the ground!

 

-T-Bone “Not as easy as it looks, huh?”

 

-Cutthroat “Shut up! I was closer than you!”

 

Both of them look for more weapons, when a deep, gravelly voice speaks behind them.

 

-Vanguard “My turn.”

 

T-Bone is the first to turn around, and so is the first to get Freelanced in his gut, and knocked to the ground! Cutthroat rushes as Vanguard stands, and while his opponent comes, Van kicks a loose soccer ball forward! It nails Cutthroat in the gut, and the young superstar doubles over, leaving him open for Vanguard to grab him, raise him up, and drive him head first into the hard floor. The hard Piledriver puts him out almost instantly, and Vanguard stands, then disappears around the corner. A few seconds later, Stark comes upon the two on the ground, and looks around in anticipation.

 

-Stark “That’s it, Van, leave a trail for me.”

 

As he goes off to find his new enemy, Kojack is in the arms department aiming! There’s a wait on firearms, so he picked a state of the art BB gun to test out on the pesky owl! He lines up Nightwatch in his sights, and smiles to himself.

 

-Kojack “This baby is pumped and ready, and that winning ticket it going to be mine, birdie.”

 

He continues to aim, but just as he pulls the trigger, the gun is suddenly rammed upwards and he misses completely!

 

-Kojack “Who the-?”

 

He doesn’t have time to finish the sentence, as the barrel of the BB gun hits his forehead lightly! He tosses the gun down, and suddenly finds himself tripped up by a leg sweep! Then, strong line from the nearby fishing and hunting department is wrapped around his ankles and wrists before he even knows what is going on! He tries to lash out, but his entire body is tied up!

 

-Vanguard “Don’t you know Owls are endangered?”

 

-Kojack “You! Let me the hell up!”

 

But Vanguard merely marches away, while Kojack tries to find something to cut the fishing line with!

 

-Kojack “Why that no good- I’m gonna kill him!”

 

Not far away, Frost stalks. The huge Icelander stands at full height, and looks up at Nightwatch, trying to come up with a plan of action, when suddenly, he hears footsteps behind him! Almost smiling at the thought of battle, his muscles tense.

 

-Frost “I know its you! I hope you’re ready, because this time, I’m not going easy on you!”

 

Before he turns around, he hears the voice- but unfortunately, its not the voice he was expecting.

 

-Woman “Oooh, baby, that’s just what I wanted to hear you say!”

 

-Frost “Oh no-“

 

He turns around, and there is the large, outgoing woman who Frost had the pleasure of seeing naked not long before! He backs away in horror, but the woman moves quickly when she is determined, and she tackles the big man to the ground and showers him with thick lipped kisses! Her extra padding envelops Frost there on the ground, and he tries in vain to free himself!

 

-Frost “No, please-“

 

-Woman “Momma’s not gonna go easy on you either, sugar! Ooh, all those muscles, you need a big girl like me to keep up with you, and I’m more woman than you can handle!”

 

-Frost “I agree. Please-“

 

-Woman “Stop playing hard to get, baby, and enjoy the ride! They don’t make ‘em like me anymore!”

 

The Dark Knight shows up, watches the fiasco, and somewhere deep within his hardened heart, he feels sorry for Frost. But it is too late to save him. And besides, his fate is probably worse than any beat down the Vindicator could give him. So he quietly tiptoes away. He looks up at Nightwatch, knowing that there is only one man left to stand between him, and his win! Tasting victory, Vanguard confidently makes his way over to the owl, until he sees a huge net envelope Nightwatch and trap him, bringing him down off of the top of the shelf!

 

-Stark “Vanguard! I’ve got your Owl!”

 

Vanguard growls, but sees some bungee cord nearby, and smiles to himself. He takes a rope, and begins to climb the wall shelf up to the ceiling with the swiftness of a squirrell.

 

-Stark “I already told you idiots I can beat you in any store, especially the sports authority! And I’m warning you. If you show up, your little birdie is gonna lose a few feathers. I’ll let him go once I get the ticket!”

 

Josh looks at the owl as it tries to escape. A bit afraid of the sharp claws and beak, he tries to grab the ticket, and Nightwatch hisses at him to keep him away!

 

-Stark “Come on you overgrown canary, just give it to me.”

 

Stark finally grabs the card, pulls it through the net, and smiles triumphantly! Turning down the aisle, he shouts.

 

-Stark “There, you see, that wasn’t so hard. Vanguard, here’s your bird back, don’t think I’m gonna let him go now!”

 

No answer. Josh looks around.

 

-Stark “Umm- Vanguard?”

 

Still no answer. He turns around, looking for Nightwatch, but sees nothing. No net. No owl. Nothing. Josh’s eyes widen, and a bead of sweat begins to form on his brow, while he looks all around, and then realizes that there’s only one direction he hasn’t looked in.

 

Up.

 

-Stark “Oh no-“

 

The Dark figure drops from the sky right above him, on a bungee cord, and grabs him, lifting him up to the top shelf on which Nighwatch had perched mere minutes ago. Vanguard puts Stark there, then falls back down, out of reach of the LA native. He unhooks himself from the Sports Authority brand bungee cord, and picks up the ticket dropped in fear by Stark. He lifts up the ticket, then the gathered net in which Nightwatch is held captive. Opening the net, and freeing the Owl, Vanguard smiles at Stark, and then takes his leave.

 

-Stark “You asshole! Do you know who I am? You can’t just leave me here! Vanguard! Get back here! Please, get me down! I’m afraid of extreme heights! Vanguard! Where are you going? Get back over here and get me down!”

 

Of course, the Dark Knight turns a deaf ear, and makes his way out, with Nightwatch. Unfortunately for him, the other six contestants see him holding the ticket, and pursue! In the rock climbing section now, Vanguard grabs some rapelling rope. On the run, Vanguard reaches the check out area. But Vanguard is a man on a mission, and he knows that there is a referee in the parking lot, which, unfortunately, is on the first level!

 

-Vanguard “Time to fly!”

 

The others begin to gain on him, but Vanguard makes sure to secure one end of the rapelling rope to a pole fixture! Then, he runs, and leaps through the store’s window, shattering the glass in the process while the cashiers and customers look on! With the others in hot pursuit, Vanguard drops down, swinging towards the wall, and finally crashing into it with a Thud, as the referee below looks up at him! He immediately climbs down, with the faster of his opponents trying to climb after him, but by this point it is too late. Van drops to the ground, and waves the ticket to the referee in the parking lot, who notices!

 

-Referee “We have a winner!”

 

Back in the stadium, the people cheer for the antics and spectacular finish of the match, while Funyon, who has taken a limousine back to the arena, makes his announcement!

 

-Funyon “Ladies and gentlemen, here is your winner, and the new number one contender to the Television Title- Vanguard!”

 

The camera shows Vanguard, winded, and quite scratched up, but otherwise okay, while the contestants up above give jealous looks! It then cuts to back inside the arena. Edwin, King and Axis are on hand.

 

-Edwin “Can you believe that? He leaped out of the Sports Authority on nothing but a piece of rapelling rope Through the huge glass window! And that stunt allowed him to secure a victory!”

 

-King “Yeah, but if it wasn’t for that damn owl, he probably wouldn’t have had it!”

 

-Axis “Are you kidding, Josh Stark had just as much of a chance to get that ticket, but he blew it!”

 

-Edwin “That Dark Knight sure is mysterious, and out of eight men, he stands alone. But what an effort. These guys went all over looking for that thing, and they had some great clashes along the way!”

 

-Axis “Well, if you think that match was something, you haven’t seen anything yet.”

 

-King “’Ain’t seen nothing.’”

 

-Axis “Beg your pardon?”

 

-King “It’s ‘Aint seen nothing.’ Not ‘haven’t seen anything.’ Sheesh you’re Australian, not some stuffed shirt Brit.”

 

-Edwin “Hey, I resent that!”

 

-Axis “We’ve got more incredible matches to come, and they’re sure to surprise even the most die hard of fans, don’t go anywhere!”

 

A split screen shows Van’s dive through the window. On the main monitor, Vanguard holds his side and the ticket as the referee holds up his hand in victory. But meanwhile, back in the sports authority-

 

-Stark “Hello. Anyone there? Can somebody please help me? I need to get down from here, this is really uncomfortable! Hello! Vanguard! You’re DEAD!”

 

Just goes to show you- never mess with a man’s Owl.

[Guest 5_moves_of_doom]

It might also be noted that the second match was actually for the TV Title #1 Contendership, and that I was the TV Champ at the time (longest champ ever baby)... and it might ALSO be noted that I EL KABONGED~! Vanguard even WITH his owls helping him, due to Frost interfering in our match and showing Van a Playboy Chyna Centerfold, blinding him in the proccess. Yes, I actually did write these types of spots in the JL.

[Guest Crowe]

Vanguard's match was great, gotta love the Thoth cameo.

[janusd 0]

I know I'd seen that second one, but not the first one.....hmm.

 

Less seriousness, more humour for these Brawls seems to be the order of the day.

 

I can do this... ....I think.