your WWE SMACKDOWN WORKRATE REPORT- 1/23/2003!

[Guest DEAN RASMUSSEN]

I`ve...uh... been doing a little drinking so I`m feeling pretty good. It`s 8:20, we`ve Turbotaxed our return (have lotsa children, it`s CHEDDAH in the bank at tax time) and I`m working on my 5th Old Mil so hopefully I won`t degenerate into a COMPLETE idiot by the time i get to beers #8 and #9. Fuck the bullshit- there will be some degeneration before this motherfucker is over.

 

WHAT WORKED-

- Goddamn, that Benoit vs Charlie Haas match was pretty fabulous. You can never say that Benoit always works the same match- as this was the clinic on selling the arm match, when I figured this was the Get Your Heat Back match. I was going to get all snitty and irate about Benoit selling for a young punk for an entire match when he should be coming back strong as a motherfucker after losing at the PPV- but then you see the wristbands that Charlie Haas is wearing with ``Russ`` written on it, so fuck it. I can`t be cool and snide about this- I`ve got two brothers and I cannot even begin to imagine what it would be like for either of them to die, so I am not that much of a shithead where I can make myself have a problem with Benoit selling this much for him. Benoit was great as usual with with the facials and the cool ass counters to continuous the Haas Arm Pain. The flashpin is perfectly fine with me. He better beats somebody`s ass gigantically next week.

 

- Fuck it. I`ve had a couple Old Mils and I cannot hate the Rikishi vs Bill Demott match at all. Demott actually sold the arm and Rikishi looked all hard and hateful as he worked on it. Maaaaan, the Bill Demott push is over even before I had a chance to develop a good hatred for him. God damn it.

 

- Matt is just great- giving Shannon a lesson through Nunzio, making me love everyone involved. Though I KNOW Nunzio is actually Italian, but why does he sound like he faking an Italian accent. What the fuck? LATER. Four beers later. They have a little match. Nunzio and Matt Hardy winking at each other made really really laugh out loud. Jumpin Jesus on A Pogo Stick, there is NOTHING better than Matt Hardy. Nunzio does beat the life out of Shannon Moore until Moore goes all leg lariat crazy. Nunzio gets the assist of the video editor and gets the counter of the Twist Of Fate for the win, somehow. Matt decides to thank Nunzio for teaching Shannon a lesson but fuck the bullshit- I`m upset that my role model isn`t beating the shit out of Kidman this week. The motherfucker.

 

- The Big Show is being interviewed by that Josh interviewing guy. Josh wants to know what Big Show`s view on the return of the Undertaker but the Big Show has a problem. The big Show can`t get past Josh`s eyes. Those gentle eyes that got him on the television are the same eyes that make the Big Show forget that he threw the Undertaker off the stage onto those mattresses. The Big Show gives in to the moment and his urge, his love, his instant desire to kiss young Josh- it overcomes him and he now KNOWS why he is here- HERE ON THIS EARTH- he is here to love a man. He cups Josh`s head in his gigantic hand and such an electric thrill- of love of SOMETHING HAPPENING NOW in his mind, in his heart, in his SOUL. The Big Show fights his love/urge and squeezes the perfect head of Josh. The Big Show is filled with self-loathing as he forces himself to hurt the face that he is instantly in love with- and his self-loathing doesn`t fade out as the image of a shaken Josh fades out....

 

- Shelton Benjamin isn`t Eddy. Eddy is Eddy. Shelton is good. Eddy is better. Can Shelton make Edge look as good as Eddy does? Lessee, shall we? Shelton with the front facelock and the single leg takedown into the hammerlock and I love the TEAM ANGLE. Shelton hits a SWANK German suplex and then the fun armcrimping arm thing into a Butterfly Suplex and everyone sells for TEAM ANGLE tonight. It`s fucking smart booking though when you sit down and think about it-as TEAM ANGLe and Brock Lesnar are the best job of getting over younguns that they`ve done in the WWE this year. Shelton does that Shinzaki Camel Clutch and I`m in love with Shelton Benjamin. Edge is perfect in this match because his main strength is absorbing an ass-beating. Edge has the fun Released Belly to Belly and Edge goes on his comical offense that all of us collectively hate. I love the nine step sequence into the Spin kick out an Enzuiguiri gone wrong. Edge hits the Spear for the win and I`m so much more impressed with Shelton Benjamin than I am with Edge. Shelton is not Eddy. Eddy is Eddy. Shelton is better than Edge. Yes, he is.

 

- They show that commercial for Grand Theft Auto with ``I Ran`` by Flock Of Seagulls and I think back to when I was 16 and saw th Flock open for the Police at the Norfolk Scope in 1982. I also saw the Romantics in 1983. My prostate is the size of beachball i`m so fucking old....

 

- Angle is fucking great browbeating TEAM ANGLE. INTENSITY! INTEGRITY! INTELLIGENCE! CRIPES ON FRIDAY! Angle is YOUR wrestling Jesus. Why do you not let him into your wrestling heart? He`s asking you now...

 

- Rey Rey is fucking great bringing the assbeat to Angle early on. Angle beats him down and it`s pretty basic. I was actually CONFUSED by Paul Heyman at ringside for a minute there- so effective is TEAM ANGLE on their own. I said to myself, ``Is Heyman there recruiting REY?`` then I remembered the vestigal Heyman/Angle connection. Angle actually Aja Kongs some suplexes that Rey Rey unleashes and my love of Angle is becoming as immense as my love of young Rey Misterio Jr. Angle hits the reverse Rana and Angle decides to bump GINORMOUS to set up Rey flying over the ref into the Tope Con Hilo. Angle hits the fucking PSICOSIS bump to set up Rey missing the Splitleg moonsault. Rey counters the Olympic Slam with an Armdrag and this match goes through the fucking roof with the cool ass nearfalls. The finish is fucking complex and BEAUTIFUL as a COMPLETE MOTHERFUCKER. Post match, Micheal Cole cusses incorrectly as Edge makes the save and Benoit comes out and beats the shit out of Angle. They seem to be setting up the MONSTER TV match of TEAM ANGLE vs Benoit/Edge/ Misterio and we- as wrestling fans- are completely stoked.

 

- Hulk Hogan will put over ANYONE now. How can I have a problem with him? Hell, he does that 1976 Vertical Suplex so fuck it, I`m all about it. It is HILARIOUS though that ANYONE wouldn`t laugh at Stephanie McMahon for suggesting that Hulk Hogan returning is 1/1,000,000,000 as great as motherfucking Stone Cold Steve Austin returning. This went on for a while.

 

WHAT DIDN`T WORK-

 

- Undertaker is back and I loved Undertaker last time when he was the comical idiot who couldn`t control his dick or his crazy pregnant no-selling wife and who sold his broken hand like Jerry Lewis in ``Cinderfella``. The problem NOW is that he is now all about fueding with the smitten Big Show. Big Show is now in touch with gentle side and I`m confused as to who to love in this- the shittiest wrestling fued since Giant Silva had to carry Giant Singh. THE THING IS that the Big Show comes out to his GREAT GREAT GREAT theme song so I`m going with the Son Of Andre in this- the mashing together of two giant chili-based fatman turds into one giant turd of a wrestling fued. The Big Show eludes Ut and serves up the A-Train to most amazing lack of pop ever not heard in the annals of wrestledom. It was GREAT bacause even Can of Crown- which lives in the post-production trailer- didn`t even popped for it. Then they wrestle. Undertaker has a new baby. I have a new baby. I gotta give UT credit for even being able to move because fuck knows he isn`t sleeping any time soon. It was actually a 3-way: UT vs A-Train vs the Editor- as the Editor has to keep cutting away from the HILARIOUSLY shitty punching. Eh, UT looked happy to be back. He can`t help it if he usually sucks. He tries. A-Train is actually good at bumping all over the ring for new daddy and they actually generate a head of steam while they head into the nearfalls. UT whips out the Dragon Sleeper for the submission and you must LOVE that. LOVE THAT. Eh, if this was any other show, this would have worked. C`mon, I already got Bill Demott up yonder- what do you people want? Lemme alone.

 

- Brock Brock Brock...... Less Mic, more wrestle.

 

- Then it went on too long. They show all the creepy guys in the audience whose beginning of wrestling starts with Hulk Hogan, young fellas who never lived in the South and experienced the Four Horsemen in their glory. The crowd is less happy the longer he talks. And WHY could we not get Steve Austin on Smackdown? Then Vince McMahon shows up and it all goes to hell. Vince is the worst actor ever. Oh wait, Hulk Hogan is RIGHT there. Hulk vs vince is SOOO custom made for RAW. Austin vs Benoit is SOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO custom made for Smackdown. DURN DURN DURN!

 

THERE YOU HAVE IT.

 

DEAN RASMUSSEN.

[Guest Anglesault]

Great Job Dean.

 

GOOD LORD, that Brock promo sucked. He's worse than Benoit, easily. At least Benoit doesn't ramble. I kept looking up thinking, "Oh my God, is he STILL talking?"

 

Hogan no longer has a painted on beard.

[Guest Banky]

Great Job Dean.

 

GOOD LORD, that Brock promo sucked. He's worse than Benoit, easily. At least Benoit doesn't ramble. I kept looking up thinking, "Oh my God, is he STILL talking?"

 

Hogan no longer has a painted on beard.

I agree, Lesnar was terrible tonight. Big Show upstaged him.

[EL DANDY~! 0]

MY weekly imput for my favorite reviewer, MISTAH DEAN Rasmussen:

 

Hogan hasn't done a suplex SINCE about 1976, though...and I'd like to say that next week's 6-man which might just lead to an 8-man tag at NWO is going to make anything RAW might put it up against look LAME AND TAME, my friend. AND NO AL WILSON! NO EDDIE!!! Whoa...NO NOBLE!!! And I want my Mattitude charge. Give him a fucking belt already. Let him make his own "Belt of Mattitude." I'll pay for a fake one. Yes I will...

[Guest RavishingRickRudo]

I am now an eternal mattitude follower because of that wink and thumbs up... Good lord that was genius. Why don't people be that dastardly more often?!

[EL DANDY~! 0]

It's because, Triple R, it takes that little thing called...LOGIC...WWE...logic...doesn't mix

[Guest RavishingRickRudo]

Whoa whoa whoa whoa whoa.

 

The WWF does indeed have logic.

 

I mean, Shane and Steph try to destroy the WWF with the Alliance - they fail. So what does Vince do? Give them control of Smackdown and Raw. THAT MAKES LOGIC!

[Guest The Amazing Rando]

well Heyman was "the mole"...and now he is the manager of the WWE Champion....

[EL DANDY~! 0]

Oh man...I can only think of one thing to solve it all...an NWA invasion...BWAHAHAHA...

[Guest Jobber of the Week]

Oh man...I can only think of one thing to solve it all...an NWA invasion...BWAHAHAHA...

Ten years ago, that would have been a sight to see.

[Guest Raven_Effect01]

I agree, Lesnar was terrible tonight.

I almost thought he was going to cry in between his promo one time too judging by the tone in his voice.

[Guest FeArHaVoC]

Didn't Lesnar do a Promo in the ring that was Really terrible, that's why they made him do the Pre-Taped one?

[Guest DEAN RASMUSSEN]

MY weekly imput for my favorite reviewer, MISTAH DEAN Rasmussen:

 

Hogan hasn't done a suplex SINCE about 1976, though...and I'd like to say that next week's 6-man which might just lead to an 8-man tag at NWO is going to make anything RAW might put it up against look LAME AND TAME, my friend. AND NO AL WILSON! NO EDDIE!!! Whoa...NO NOBLE!!! And I want my Mattitude charge. Give him a fucking belt already. Let him make his own "Belt of Mattitude." I'll pay for a fake one. Yes I will...

Whaddyamean! Hogan is all about the Vertical Suplex these days. And he also is the only wrestler alive that can do the Full nelson spot correctly. Next week- I start my WWESMWRR mini-series "The Secret Life Of Al Wilson" to explain his exploits as a playah who faked his own death to reel all the pussy. I'm stoked.

 

DEAN.

[EL DANDY~! 0]

MY weekly imput for my favorite reviewer, MISTAH DEAN Rasmussen:

 

Hogan hasn't done a suplex SINCE about 1976, though...and I'd like to say that next week's 6-man which might just lead to an 8-man tag at NWO is going to make anything RAW might put it up against look LAME AND TAME, my friend. AND NO AL WILSON! NO EDDIE!!! Whoa...NO NOBLE!!! And I want my Mattitude charge. Give him a fucking belt already. Let him make his own "Belt of Mattitude." I'll pay for a fake one. Yes I will...

Whaddyamean! Hogan is all about the Vertical Suplex these days. And he also is the only wrestler alive that can do the Full nelson spot correctly. Next week- I start my WWESMWRR mini-series "The Secret Life Of Al Wilson" to explain his exploits as a playah who faked his own death to reel all the pussy. I'm stoked.

 

DEAN.

That story better include the sexual encounters Al had with ONE Miss Hot Mama Wilson...with whom he probably faked death with on THEIR honeymoon. That's the new trick. Get married, get the pussy, fake death, and then come back to life and get even more pussy. THAT, is why Al Wilson is your hero, wrestling fans. Love him. I don't care if you are a man, you STILL need to love this man. Feel the manly love...

[Guest chirs3]

- The Big Show is being interviewed by that Josh interviewing guy. Josh wants to know what Big Show`s view on the return of the Undertaker but the Big Show has a problem. The big Show can`t get past Josh`s eyes. Those gentle eyes that got him on the television are the same eyes that make the Big Show forget that he threw the Undertaker off the stage onto those mattresses. The Big Show gives in to the moment and his urge, his love, his instant desire to kiss young Josh- it overcomes him and he now KNOWS why he is here- HERE ON THIS EARTH- he is here to love a man. He cups Josh`s head in his gigantic hand and such an electric thrill- of love of SOMETHING HAPPENING NOW in his mind, in his heart, in his SOUL. The Big Show fights his love/urge and squeezes the perfect head of Josh. The Big Show is filled with self-loathing as he forces himself to hurt the face that he is instantly in love with- and his self-loathing doesn`t fade out as the image of a shaken Josh fades out....

 

That's actually not far off from what I thought the segment was...

[Guest DEAN RASMUSSEN]

- The Big Show is being interviewed by that Josh interviewing guy. Josh wants to know what Big Show`s view on the return of the Undertaker but the Big Show has a problem. The big Show can`t get past Josh`s eyes. Those gentle eyes that got him on the television are the same eyes that make the Big Show forget that he threw the Undertaker off the stage onto those mattresses. The Big Show gives in to the moment and his urge, his love, his instant desire to kiss young Josh- it overcomes him and he now KNOWS why he is here- HERE ON THIS EARTH- he is here to love a man. He cups Josh`s head in his gigantic hand and such an electric thrill- of love of SOMETHING HAPPENING NOW in his mind, in his heart, in his SOUL. The Big Show fights his love/urge and squeezes the perfect head of Josh. The Big Show is filled with self-loathing as he forces himself to hurt the face that he is instantly in love with- and his self-loathing doesn`t fade out as the image of a shaken Josh fades out....

 

That's actually not far off from what I thought the segment was...

That was even better than Paul Heyman's flaming promo about mounting Brock. It was all subtle and tender- like a Sundance Festival movie or something. My guess is that A-train and Funaki start exchanging longing glances. I hope so at least. I guess they are trying to make up for pussing out like a bunch of bitches at the Chuck and Billy wedding angle.

 

DEAN.

[Guest AndrewTS]

I really wondered if I was really perverted for sensing the homoeroticism that the Big Show was exuding...I guess I was wrong. Still, I can't help but think how much the "SEVEN FOOT...FIVE HUNDRED POUND" spiel would be livened up if he tacked on "I'M HERE...I'M QUEER...GET USED TO IT!!"

[Guest AndrewTS]

I really wondered if I was really perverted for sensing the homoeroticism that the Big Show was exuding...I guess I was wrong. Still, I can't help but think how much the "SEVEN FOOT...FIVE HUNDRED POUND" spiel would be livened up if he tacked on "I'M HERE...I'M QUEER...GET USED TO IT!!"

[Guest DEAN RASMUSSEN]

I really wondered if I was really perverted for sensing the homoeroticism that the Big Show was exuding...I guess I was wrong. Still, I can't help but think how much the "SEVEN FOOT...FIVE HUNDRED POUND" spiel would be livened up if he tacked on "I'M HERE...I'M QUEER...GET USED TO IT!!"

Jesus, imagine how FARKING GREAT it would be if they could incorporate that into his theme song.

 

It's the biiiiig SHOOOOOOOW- HE'S HERE!

YEAHHHH IT's THE BIIIIG SHOW- He's QUEER!

YEAAAAAAAAAAAAHH! It's the BIG SHOW!- GET USED TO IT!

 

That would rock even more than it does now.

 

DEAN.

[Guest Nater]

Its really quite simple. Show and Taker go way back for sure, and while UT was out on his vacation (which he took because Show doesnt cuddle, but instead goes for a towel.)

 

Show wants to let UT know how he has grown and tosses him a biscuit we know as A-Train. Taker gets happy with it and the sneaky bastard wipes his forehead to get a good whiff of whats going on.

 

But we all know it stinks like some chocolately suprise you get after feeding a dog some nachos.

[EL DANDY~! 0]

TELL ME you guys saw the sexual tensions between Funaki and Stephanie...Funaki was gonna cream his pants from the excitement. Of course, that should have set up The Big Show coming in and showing his manhood to Funaki, getting him to leave that interview for more private surroundings. God I love SmackDown! as much as each and every one of you...

[Guest DEAN RASMUSSEN]

TELL ME you guys saw the sexual tensions between Funaki and Stephanie...Funaki was gonna cream his pants from the excitement. Of course, that should have set up The Big Show coming in and showing his manhood to Funaki, getting him to leave that interview for more private surroundings. God I love SmackDown! as much as each and every one of you...

I think Stephanie wanted to devour Funaki- what with her being a burly bulky beast-woman as of late.

 

DEAN.