Star Wars Episode III NEWS!!!!!

[Guest TheZsaszHorsemen]

Guys, i don't know how many of you traverse the hive mof scum and villany commonly known as Ain't It Cool News, but for those who don't, let me explain: The site is a fanboy's paradise where week old "news" and fake spoilers are discussed, but that's not what's really worth it. Afterwards, you get a "Talkback" where the bitter jaded fanboys engage in the funniest discussion on the Net. But anyway... a week ago they posted this scoop on Episode II for laughs. It is bar none, the funniest thing I have ever read on the internet, and I wanted to share it's greatness with each and every one of you. Before you begin reading watch out for the following:

 

1. The worst grammar I have ever seen on the net since the fabled Batman: Year One script review that produced, "HAS A BEER AND CHEETS WITH HIS WIFE" (Misspell intentional)

 

2. Self-Immolating Yoda

 

3. The worst dialogue I have ever read

 

4. GRANDO CARLISSIAN

 

5. Black Lightsabers

 

6. "SITH WITCH!!!"

 

7. The absoulutly hilarious final paragraph

 

 

And now.... Without further ado, STAR WARS EPISODE III: A JEDI'S DESTINY

 

First of all the story has an introduction that will ram the arse of every Star Wars fan in the world: the opening crawl is followed by the massive scene of a hundred Star Destroyers, from various sizes, charging at what is soon revealed to be the last remnants of the Trade Federation, that is still led by Nute Gunray. Thousands and thousands of Tie Fighters (also called "Clone Starfighters") and the "Wing" fighters (V-Wings, Y-Wings, and early X-Wings, wich are all non-clone piloted crafts). Then the whole story ends as any SW geek would predict: a cloaked Obi-Wan brings a baby (Luke Skywalker) to Owen Lars and his wife, and then disappears in the dusty landscape of Tattoine.

 

The Galactic Empire is declared by the Senate (or what's left of it...) right after the Trade Federation is defeated. On Alderaan, the Loyalist Commitee, led by Prince Bail Organa and Jedi Master Yoda declares the birth of the Rebel Alliance, and a few solar systems are joining the paramilitary group, as a few Jedis do (they all die later). Only Mace Windu and a few Jedis are still on Coruscant, but it seems that Mace stayed there to trace the source of a dark side presence he and Yoda felt recently.

 

There is a cool scene on Corellia where Bail Organa makes a deal with a great starship producer, who has lost his main client, the Trade Federation. The man is a great industrial who's called... Grando Carlissian. Carlissian contracts with Organa the production of a huge amount of large-sized spaceships -frigates, cruisers and destroyers- for the newborn Alliance. As it happens, there is a memorable sequence where a young Lando Carlissian tells his father (Grando Carlissian) he has to borrow a "Falcon" to go to a party on some planet. His father disagrees, a short dispute takes place between them, then Lando arrogantly steals a ship and flies away, to the great damn of his father. Then Grando gives a by-the-way lecture to Bail about raising childrens. Also, there is a line where Grando says something like: "Let's hope they'll all be built and shipped before the Empire comes for a visit!". That gives a nice impression of how the Empire's dictatorship is already born at that time.

 

There is a key discussion between Dooku and Sidious. That happens moments before Palpatine declares himself the Emperor of the Galaxy. We get to see them inside Sidious's "lair" on Coruscant, in the old warehouse district of Coruscant. Sidious says that "the time has come for the fall of the Jedi and the pitiful Republic", and he tells Dooku to get ready for the "final phase" of his plans, that they will together do the final mindgame on Anakin to make him to a Sith. As he is talking, we see Sidious in the middle of a great hall, approaching an object that's levitating above a circle of light on the floor. It is a small pyramid, with strange "carvings" on it. Appearantly, that would be a Sith Holocron, but it's up to you to guess. As Sidious opens his hands on each side of the pyramid, without touching it, he recites what appears to be an old Sith incantation, in the Sith language. Then the pyramid changes into... a shapeless "blackhole", or a form made of pure darkness, that is about the size of the body of a man. Sidious walks into it, and then the darkness gets sucked by his whole body in a strange way, with bursts of blue lightning emanating from him, and reaching the great walls and the colums of the hall. When it stops, Sidious remains physically unchanged. We see the uncloaked face of Palpatine smiling with an evil expression.

 

Padme, who was still on Naboo, is reported to have been abducted. General Obi Wan Kenobi, as he is returning from a long and dangerous "Crusade" to defend the Republic, alongside his padawan Anakin realizes that the whole Republic was fooled by Palpatine and now decides to join the Alliance. But Anakin does not agree with that... and the two are separating after an argument. The appearent enthusiastic friendship between the two Jedis that is seen during the first quarter of the script is now exploding into verbal rage, and even menaces on behalf of Anakin. Anakin leaves for Coruscant, going to see the Emperor and to meet with his fate. He leaves his lightsaber behind him, hoping one of his childrens will "make better use of it". Anakin has strong resentments against the Jedi Order, Obi-Wan and the rest of the Order still not willing to recognize him as a Jedi Knight despite the great feats he achieved during the Clone Wars, and is now more loyal to Palpatine than to the Jedis. Anakin is dispatched by the Emperor on a mission to save Padme.

 

The great duel between Anakin and Obi-wan takes place somewhere near the 2/3 of the script, but that is not the only major fight between a Sith and a Jedi... since Anakin will initially fight against Dooku, and Yoda will engage in a duel with Palpatine at the end of all the mayhem. How does that all happens?

 

First Anakin is fighting alongside the Empire forces (and a few fallen Jedis) in a mission to what is later revealed to be Dooku's base (a heavily guarded station on a volcanic planet full of huge forges and starship factories). Anakin, with the aid of Stormtroopers, overruns the base and he finally reaches Dooku. Of course, he discover that Dooku is not only the man behind the assassination of his mother, but the one responsible for the abduction of Padme. Dooku shows him being Padme suspended above a pit full of lava, ready to get thrown into death at Dooku's command. Dooku laughs and then enters... Palpatine, accompanied by red guards and stormtroopers. Palpatine defies Dooku (not for real, of course), and at the same time he lures Anakin into giving up to his hatred. In what my friend describes as "probably the most f****** disturbing moment in the whole damn trilogy", Dooku kills Padme... Anakin sees his wife horribly falling into molten lava, and he explodes into a burst of rage.

 

Then Obi-Wan, back on Alderran, realizes he has made a mistake to underestimate his padawan's talents as a Jedi. While he is on Alderaan with Yoda, he senses that the dark side endangers Anakin, and he decides to go after him in a desperate attempt to convince him to get back to the Order, with the agreement of Yoda to give him his title of Jedi Knight. But that's too late for him. As Obi Wan arrives on "Altair 6", the volcanic planet where Dooku is hiding, and he forces his way through a handful of fallen Jedis who are guarding the place, defeating them with both the Force and his lightsaber, he realizes Anakin has already fallen on the dark side. He enters the command center. Dooku is lying dead on the floor, slained to the chest, Anakin is crouching and struggling with what appears to be a terrible headache, as a mysterious hooded figure is welcoming Obi-Wan in hateful manners. He reveals himself to Obi-Wan as being Darth Sidious, the Dark Lord of the Sith who controlled the Senate for years. Obi-Wan calls after Anakin, telling him he's in a "dangerous situation" and that he came to save him. Then we see Anakin getting and opening his eyes... that are now burning of hatred. Anakin answers by saying that Anakin is no more, and that he is Darth Vader! As Darth Vader reveals his evil to Obi-Wan, he ignites a RED lightsaber, pointed at his old master. Obi-Wan refuses to fight with Anakin/Vader, saying that "there has been too much violence in this galaxy already", and that "it's time to stop". He repeatedly dodges Vader's attacks, without igniting his lighsaber against his old friend. Anakin/Vader tells Obi-Wan how the dark side seduced him when he avenged his mother, and that "only the dark side can bring Justice". Obi-Wan, emotionally schocked by Anakin's fall, finally cries to Anakin/Vader, that he has lost his mind and is corrupted by the dark side. As Anakin rushes to him once again, while the two are struggling among a huge complex of metal forging machines, mining robots and lava pits, Obi-Wan finally ignites his saber and the two Jedis engage in a violent fight. Anakin uses the dark side on Obi-Wan with massive strength, moving rocks and machine parts, but Obi-Wan, keeping his cold blood, remarkably slips away from Vader's Force attacks. Here we see a Obi-Wan who's mastering the Force in every way, elegant but deadly, so much that Anakin has trouble keeping momentum over Obi-Wan. In an access of tremendous rage, Anakin throws what was described as a "glowing ball of flaming energy" at Obi-Wan. Obi-Wan does a Force trick, dodging the fireball, and ends up behind Vader. He jumps again and then makes a small cut on the top of Anakin's head (think of the scar you see on Vader's bald head in ESB and ROTJ), and then gives another strike to his chest. That does not kill him, despite Vader is destabilized, and, screaming in pain, he falls into the molten lava pit.

 

The final fight ensues when Obi-Wan, crouching down in desolation on the footbrige (a moment after Anakin's fall), gets suddenly blasted by a ball of firing energy thrown at him by Sidious/Palpatine. Obi-Wan is lying half-conscious on the floor as the Dark Lord expresses his eagerness to "wipe him definitely from the Force". Sidious points his arm at Obi-Wan again, his hand begins to glow like fire, and says "Here comes your death, Master Kenobi!". And suddenly, the Dark Lord is violently pushed to the wall by an unknown force! We see Master Yoda entering the scene, with an expression of gravity. He says something like "No more Jedis you will destroy, Sidious!". Sidious gets up, and says "That's what we will see, Jedi!" and, filled with murderous rage, ignites a BLACK lightsaber (yes, a lightsaber with a BLACK blade!!!) and rushes towards Yoda. Without even igniting his own saber, Yoda effortlessly dodges Sidious's violent attacks by rolling and jumping at the speed of light. Then Yoda vanishes and Sidious hears his voice, coming from nowhere: "Your hatred makes you weaker, Sith WITCH". And then the little master reappears right behind Sidious. Sidious instantly turns toward Yoda with a quick and powerful lighsaber strike at him, but as Sidious's saber approaches the unarmed Yoda, the little green master "ignites himself", and a violent light suddenly emanates from his whole body, as if he were just a glowing being of very brillant light. The light shines in so much brillance that its rays are not only blinding Sidious, but partially burning his skin. The Dark Lord falls on his back, in terrible pain and confusion. Then a moment later, red guards and troopers arrive to the side of a devastated Sidious, who's just recovering from his temporary blindness. He finds no trace of either Yoda or Obi-Wan Kenobi. To him, he's not sure wheter if Yoda is still alive or not, but it is sure that Obi-Wan has escaped. And then we see an horribly scarred figure crawling out from a pit, looking like a living corpse. It's Vader. Palpatine stands tall in front of the rampant body, and tells him that if he choses to serve him as his master, he will be healed. Anakin agrees.

 

There is alos the huge fight inside the Jedi Temple, where Mace Windu is killed by Anakin himself, That happens when he finally discovers the true identity of Palpatine, gets back to the Temple, and decides to fall back after seeing that Ki Adi Mundi (yes!) and the some remaining Jedis of the Order have fallen on the dark side, and are ordered by Palpatine "to slay all resistant presence". Mace Windu is found, but successfully defends himself, slaying the Dark Jedis with the support of the few other Jedis who stayed true to the Force. But Anakin, at this time, steps in, and thinking that he's defending the Jedi Order against traitors, he attacks Windu and the few good Jedis. A short duel ensues. Anakin begins to use the dark side and is very strong. The Jedis are killed by Anakin, and Windu, cornered by Anakin on the edge of a ledge outside the Jedi Temple, chooses to let himself die the same way Obi-Wan dies in ANH, as Anakin strikes him and Windu mysteriously vanishes. Before Anakin strikes, Mace Windu tells Anakin that he his dominated by his sorrow, and only the light can save him. But Anakin did'nt understood, having already lost his mind.

 

A Death Star prototype is used near the end of the story. It's somewhat smaller, and more "functionality-oriented" (resembling more a moon-sized canon), to the ones in ANH and ROTJ. Vader himself (in full body armor) commands the Death Star, with Grand Moff Tarkin on his side... to destroy the planet of Naboo, as a test to produce a full Death Star. During that moment, Vader whispers to himself that it is "the last memento of his lost love", so he thinks he will forget his pain that way, by disintegrating a remnant of his wonderful past.

 

The Skywalker twins are being nurtured on Alderaan while the story takes place. They are supposed to be seen only in the ending sequences of the film, on Alderaan.

 

So that's it! there's probably some stuff that either I or my friend forgot about the script, but the most important stuff is right there. And I don't know what you thik about it, but I personally think this is the stuff that could make any Star Wars fan forgot all the aftertaste he had from TPM or even AOTC (for a few of us), as soon as the movie is well directed...

 

By the way, I hesitated to send you this report since the moment I first began to write it down yesterday. I thought you'd probably take me for a troll or something, since you don't know me and, more importantly, you may be one of the world's most well-informed film geek on the current developments of the last chapter of the Star Wars trilogy, so you may be able to see the difference between a true report and a piece of written crap from many yards away (at least). But then again, it's a risk I'm taking for all the SW fans on this planet, and not to break their surprise for the next film, but to show them how the final chapter of the SW franchise is going to give them all that they've dreamed of since they first saw a Star Wars film and wanted "more"!

 

 

 

Speechless?

[Guest kkktookmybabyaway]

But what happens to Jar-Jar, damnit?...

[Guest CoreyLazarus416]

He moves to Earth and gets raped and murdered by the KKK.

[Guest Vern Gagne]

What about the scene with Gran Solo, and Itchey, with little Han and Chewbacca.

[Guest What?]

Wait...

 

 

 

did that guy just say "Lando wants to borrow a 'Falcon' so he can GO TO A PARTY?"

 

 

 

What the fuck kind of shitty idea is that?! Is this a teen dra...

 

 

oh...I forgot about Episode II....

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Here's a better idea (cuz it's mine, mothafuggas! ):

 

 

Like in the "Tales of the Bounty Hunters" book, have Boba Fett (while cloaked) be watching Han Solo while he's in a Gladiator-esque fight, and when Han looks at him and smirks, Boba starts his hatred for some reason...rabble rabble rabble....and have Han and Chewie be the last two remaining of the four fighting..blah blah blah....

 

 

Obi-Wan and Anakin get into their final fight because: while investigating an assassination, Anakin brings along Padme, 2 yr old Luke, and 3 month old Leia. Although he and Obi are tracking a ruthless killer, he still decides to bring his wife and kids...cuz he's lame like that...anyway, Obi and Anakin find the killer, and while the two are fighting him, Padme runs in for some reason...who cares, really?...Anakin screams "Get out of here", the killer takes advantage and kills Padme and takes off like a bull with gas. Anakin, grief stricken, starts to go insane and decides to bury her body in the volcano. At the top of the 'cano, Obi-Wan tells Anakin that it was his own fault for what happened, that he never should of brought her, and that moping isn't going to bring her back. Anakin, now completely pushed over the edge, attacks Obi and fails, being cast into the volcano. Obi has grief, gets drunk, nearly crashes his speeder and goes to AA....anyway, Yoda and Windu talk a bit, then we switch to the inside of a ship, where we see Palpatine talking to an unknown person. He then says "luckily, you were still alive when we found you..." and hands him a Darth Vader helmet... "Now...take your place by my side....Darth...Vader..." and the closing shot is a behind the head shot of Anakin putting on the helmet slowly, the black of the helmet being the fade out. Then, the Empire music strikes up.

 

 

Whoo. I would mark out...

[Guest kane3212321]

This is never going to be lived down at ain't it cool. Never!

[Guest Vern Gagne]

Aren't Leia and Luke Twins?

[Guest Kagato Otaku]

This is never going to be lived down at ain't it cool. Never!

 

Considering they said up front this news was a sham, a fake, a lie, and the kind of "scoop" they get delivered on a daily basis I doubt they'll have too much trouble.

 

The site's worthless anyway, outside Hercules' Buffy & Angel reviews/previews.

[Guest kane3212321]

Yeah but then you can always hit leoffonline.com and read the wildfeed anyway. The only thing the site is still good for is the talkbackers bashing everything.

[Guest TheZsaszHorsemen]

This is never going to be lived down at ain't it cool. Never!

 

Considering they said up front this news was a sham, a fake, a lie, and the kind of "scoop" they get delivered on a daily basis I doubt they'll have too much trouble.

 

The site's worthless anyway, outside Hercules' Buffy & Angel reviews/previews.

I wouldn't go that far. Mori is a very good critic, and Harry can be entertaining at least. Oh, and if you know the in-jokes (FIRST!, Hulk Hogan, CHEETS, Ana Sex etc.) the Talk back is always fun for a laugh.

[Guest starvenger]

This is never going to be lived down at ain't it cool. Never!

 

Considering they said up front this news was a sham, a fake, a lie, and the kind of "scoop" they get delivered on a daily basis I doubt they'll have too much trouble.

 

The site's worthless anyway, outside Hercules' Buffy & Angel reviews/previews.

It doesn't matter if it's fake or not, aicn throws these things out there so that they can claim that they were right on the off chance it was true. To be honest, only Moriarty seems to have any credibility on that site, and that's somewhat dubious imo...

[Guest kkktookmybabyaway]

"Did that guy just say "Lando wants to borrow a 'Falcon' so he can GO TO A PARTY?"

 

Makes sense to me -- Lando loses the ship in a game of cards (?). I wonder if the PO-lice pull him over for going-into-hyperspace-while-black?...

[Guest CoreyLazarus416]

Nah, they just beat him for listening to his Star Rap.

[Guest Spaceman Spiff]

...with a few open bottles of Colt 45 on the co-pilot seat

[cawthon777 0]

Nice story (eh) but I don't buy it.

 

Although it's a decent set up for a heel turn, Padme can't be killed off (for various reasons, one of which because it's sad). Leia has memories of her mom (as said in ROTJ) and I don't know anyone that can remember anything from when they were 6 months old. I even heard that Natalie Portman was doing extra scenes for the Return of the Jedi DVD which comes out ... oh, who knows when. Probably just flash backs, but I have to think that she stayed with Leia at least a while while Luke was sent to Tatooine.

[EL DANDY~! 0]

*Colt 45 and two zig-zags...*

[Guest Lethargic]

You know this JOKE synopsis was posted a couple of weeks ago. It's kinda old now. The following is what AICN put up yesterday and claim is the real deal.

 

"The synopsis tells us that the film begins a few years after the end of ATTACK OF THE CLONES and is near the conclusion of the "Clone Wars" themselves. Hayden and Natalie are still hitched and Ewan is still at work trying to get to the bottom of who ordered the clones made and if there is a connection to the mysterious Sith. Apparently, Count Dooku (YEAH! SARUMAN IS BACK) is still fucking the galaxy up hardcore by waging his war all over the Republic, thus scaring and terrorizing the galaxy. This war between the Confederacy of Independent Systems and the Republic has left a wave of destruction that is literally ripping the galaxy asunder leaving destroyed and devastated planets and lives in its wake.

Palpatine, in order to restore order where there is only chaos, creates a New Order called the Galactic Empire in the aftermath of all this destruction, to heal what has been broken. While that little development happens, Padme squeezes out twins called, shockingly enough, Luke and Leia. However, the infants are separated to be brought up unaware of each other's existence. (YEAH I REALLY WANT TO KNOW WHY TOO!) It seems that Anakin is continuing his descent into darkness by joining Palpatine's side through all of this, where Palpatine can further seduce and bring him to the dark side. (Does Anakin become Palpatine's Jedi Bodyguard?) Ol Kenobi, of course tries to turn Anakin back onto the path of the good guys. The Jedi Order gets destroyed leaving only OB1 and Yoda - and from the look of this thing, the last sentence is: "... a new reign of terror is ushered in with the Empire's rule and Palpatine's move to declare himself the Emperor."

[Guest starvenger]

Sounds plausible enough. Especially the time frame.

 

It is fact that: the movie will start at or around the end of the Clone Wars (the wars themselves are to be covered in the Expanded Universe novels), that Palpatine creates the Empire (aka the New Order) and that Anakin has some kids, but everything else is open to interpretation.

[Guest TheZsaszHorsemen]

You know this JOKE synopsis was posted a couple of weeks ago. It's kinda old now. The following is what AICN put up yesterday and claim is the real deal.

 

"The synopsis tells us that the film begins a few years after the end of ATTACK OF THE CLONES and is near the conclusion of the "Clone Wars" themselves. Hayden and Natalie are still hitched and Ewan is still at work trying to get to the bottom of who ordered the clones made and if there is a connection to the mysterious Sith. Apparently, Count Dooku (YEAH! SARUMAN IS BACK) is still fucking the galaxy up hardcore by waging his war all over the Republic, thus scaring and terrorizing the galaxy. This war between the Confederacy of Independent Systems and the Republic has left a wave of destruction that is literally ripping the galaxy asunder leaving destroyed and devastated planets and lives in its wake.

Palpatine, in order to restore order where there is only chaos, creates a New Order called the Galactic Empire in the aftermath of all this destruction, to heal what has been broken. While that little development happens, Padme squeezes out twins called, shockingly enough, Luke and Leia. However, the infants are separated to be brought up unaware of each other's existence. (YEAH I REALLY WANT TO KNOW WHY TOO!) It seems that Anakin is continuing his descent into darkness by joining Palpatine's side through all of this, where Palpatine can further seduce and bring him to the dark side. (Does Anakin become Palpatine's Jedi Bodyguard?) Ol Kenobi, of course tries to turn Anakin back onto the path of the good guys. The Jedi Order gets destroyed leaving only OB1 and Yoda - and from the look of this thing, the last sentence is: "... a new reign of terror is ushered in with the Empire's rule and Palpatine's move to declare himself the Emperor."

Umm I said in my first post that this was untrue and that it was old. Are you illiterate, or just stupid?

[Guest Lethargic]

Are you really so paranoid that you think everything I say is some sort of statement concerning you? Well, it's not. I never claimed that you I didn't warn people it was fake. In case you didn't actually read the other posts in this thread, a couple of people didn't seem to pay any attention to your disclaimer and seemed to think it was supposed to be real. And if you're gonna pull out that fake one for no reason, you might as well have the "real" one posted as well. At least that is something worth discussing rather than yet another boring thread of meaningless Harry Knowles bashing.

[Guest TheZsaszHorsemen]

Are you really so paranoid that you think everything I say is some sort of statement concerning you? Well, it's not. I never claimed that you I didn't warn people it was fake. In case you didn't actually read the other posts in this thread, a couple of people didn't seem to pay any attention to your disclaimer and seemed to think it was supposed to be real. And if you're gonna pull out that fake one for no reason, you might as well have the "real" one posted as well. At least that is something worth discussing rather than yet another boring thread of meaningless Harry Knowles bashing.

I never bashed Knowles. I thought this stuff was funny, that's why it was posted.

[Guest Narcoleptic Jumper]

If they have Anakin get thrown into a lava pit, I'm going to kill someone. Lava would MELT AND DISINTEGRATE HIS BODY. I think that a little more than a new suit would be able to fix that.