Guest EQ Report post Posted January 29, 2003 Simple concept. Post one of your favorite jokes here. Make your fellow smart marks laugh. I'll start. There was this guy sitting all alone in his apartment... horny as hell. Tired of jerking off, he decides to go a whorehouse his friend told him about. He looks in his wallet... nothing but $10. He figured he'd try his luck anyway. A few minutes later, he arrives at the whorehouse. The woman by the front door says "Hello. How can I help you?" "Hi, look. I've only got 10 bucks. Can you hook me up? I'm despirate." "Well, unfortunately, 10 dollars isn't enough for me to let you see one of the girls, but I do have this chicken in the back." ... the guy thinks it over. Not wanting to go home unsatisfied, he decides to take the chicken. "OK, go down the hall, second door on your left" "Thanks" He goes, finds the room and goes to work on the chicken. A week goes by. he's back at home. All he can think about is the chicken. He looks in his wallet, finding another $10. He goes back to the whorehouse. "Lady. Here's 10 bucks. Where's that chicken?" "Hold on there, last week you nearly killed that poor chicken. How about I let you sit in on a peep show instead" "Oh alright" "Ok, go down the hall. First door on your left" He goes into the room. There are 2 other guys in there, and behind a one way mirror, you can see two gorgeous lesbians going at it. He sits down and after a few minutes turns to the guy next to him and says: "Hey, this is great. Can those girls see us?" "No, it's a one way mirror." "Wow. Awesome!" "Yeah, I love it here, you never know what you'll see." "Really?" "Yeah, you should have been here last week. There was this guy fucking a chicken." Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
EL DANDY~! 0 Report post Posted January 29, 2003 *applauds* What's green and yellow and loves to eat balls? Gonorrhea... Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Guest IDrinkRatsMilk Report post Posted January 29, 2003 A sixth grade boy comes home from school and tells his mom that he had sex with his teacher that day at school. His mother is flabbergasted, and all she can manage to say is "Just wait until your father gets home." Eventually the kid's dad gets home from work, so the kid runs out to meet him. "Guess what dad, today at school I had sex with my teacher!", he says. His dad says, "Son, I'm so proud of you. Today you became a man. Go get your coat, we're gonna go out for ice cream, and then I'm going to get you that new bike you've been asking for." The kid says "Gee dad, that's great, but could you get me a football instead? My ass is killing me." Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Guest The Amazing Rando Report post Posted January 30, 2003 Q:How Many Professional Wrestlers Does It Take To Change A Light Bulb? A: Stupid....Light Bulbs are fake... that was off the top of my head...so I know it's not funny Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Guest Sandman9000 Report post Posted January 30, 2003 ::Blasts Rando/Rob Feinstein over the head with a lighttube:: Agnes. Is that a big enough joke for this thread? Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Guest The Amazing Rando Report post Posted January 30, 2003 well I didn't need to be hit with a lighttube....that kinda FUCKING HURT... even shit that is fake can hurt.... that is why pro wrestling can sometimes make me vomit... Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
EL DANDY~! 0 Report post Posted January 30, 2003 REDNECK JOKES~! If you think the last four words to our National Anthem are "Gentlemen...start your engines!"... If you think a 401K is your mother-in-law's bra size... If you've been too drunk to FISH... Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Guest The Electrifyer Report post Posted January 30, 2003 I saw this at Askmen.com and found it funny: The professor of a freshman psychology course had a class of 400 students. His final exam was scheduled very early, from 8am to 10am. The professor told his students that his final was not a cumulative final and just covered the information since the last midterm, so in essence, the final was just like a midterm and would only require one hour of the two-hour alloted time. The professor told the students to bring a large blue book (FYI: a blue book is a standard testing tool used throughout many universities. It's basically ten blank pages of college ruled notebook paper with a blue cover.) The professor was adamant that the students were only going to have one hour and not one minute more to complete the essay style exam. The students requested the exam to begin at 9am instead of 8am since they only had an hour. The professor denied the request because the professor preferred to use the second hour to begin grading the exams. The students moaned at the idea of waking up early. On the morning of the exam, the test began at 8:10. At 8:35, a student walked in and picked up the test questions from the professor. The professor told the student he wouldn't have enough time to complete the test. The student replied "Yes, I will." At 9:10, the professor stopped the test and all the students turned in their blue books as they exited the room. The late student continued to write while the professor began grading some of the exams. At 9:35, the student walked up to the desk to hand in his exam, and the professor told him it was unacceptable. The student, in a surprised manner, asked the professor, "Do you know who I am?" The professor replied, "No, and I don't care." The student said, "Good," and stuffed his exam in the middle of the stack of 300 blue books. "Have a nice summer" said the student as he left the room. Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Guest EQ Report post Posted January 30, 2003 Isn't that pretty much what happened in the trailer to the movie "Slackers"? Funny joke though Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Guest EQ Report post Posted January 30, 2003 Here's another one: A guy walks into a bar. He has a huge wad in his pocket, 2 beautiful blondes on either arm, and a little man on his shoulder. The bartender thinks this is odd but figures it would be ok to serve him. The guy asks if he can buy everyone in the house a drink. The bartender looks at him kinda funny and says, "Sir, I'm gonna have to see some money before I can pour that many drinks." So, the guy reaches into his pocke, pulls out a huge wad of $100 bills, and lays 5 of them on the bar. The bartender pours all the drinks and just as he has finished the last one, the little man on the guy's shoulder runs down his arm, hops off his hand and knocks every drink over then proceeds back up the man's arm. So, the man tells the bartender he wants to order everyone in the house a drink. Same exact thing happens again. For the third time, the man asks to buy the house a round and the bartender looks at him and says, "Brother, do you not realize what is happening here? I can't keep pouring these drinks. Now, what is the deal?" The man sighs and says, "One day I was walking along the beach when I ran into a bottle. A genie popped out and said he could grant me 3 wishes. The first thing I wished for was a wad of $100 bills that never ended. The second thing I wished for was 2 gorgeous blondes to have for the rest of my life." The bartender says, "Well what was the third thing you wished for?" The man replied, "A 12 inch prick." Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Guest Fook_Hing_Ho Report post Posted January 30, 2003 Through her kitchen window a farmer's wife sees her son coming home from school. The boy's in a bad mood, and as he crosses the field, he kicks a pig. He walks a little farther and kicks a cow. Once inside, his mother says, "I saw what you did, young man! For kicking the pig, you get no bacon for a month! And for kicking the cow, you get no milk for a month!" Just at that moment, the boy's father walks through the door and boots the cat halfway across the room. The boy looks at his mother and says "Do you wanna tell him, or should I?" Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Guest Youth N Asia Report post Posted January 30, 2003 Man walks into a bar and pulls up to a stool, "barkeep, I want 6 shots of your finest whiskey," the man says. "What's the occasion?" the bartender asks. The man looks up and says "In celebration of my first blow job." The bartender smile, "why don't I throw a 7th shot at you on the house." The guy smiles back, "if 6 of these doesn't get the taste out of my mouth I don't know what good another one will do." Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Guest MaxPower27 Report post Posted January 30, 2003 A guy walks into a bar and orders 3 shots of vodka. The bartender pours all 3 and watches as the man sucks each shot down in quick succession. The bartender asks, "Jesus Christ man, what made you drink three shots of vodka straight like that?" The man replies, "I just found out today that my brother is gay." Two days later, the same guy walks into the same bar, orders 4 shots of vodka and sucks them down in the same amount of time, The bartender asks, "What's the occasion on these shots?" The man replies, "I found out that my other brother is gay." Two more days later, the same guy walks into the same bar, orders the 5 shots of vodka and sucks them down quickly. The bartender shrieks, "Goddamn, doesn't anyone in your family like women?" "Yeah," the man grumbles, "My wife." Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Guest Sassquatch Report post Posted January 30, 2003 *posts a picture of Bob Barron* Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Guest SP-1 Report post Posted January 30, 2003 I'm gonna tell a dirty joke: . . . a white pony fell into a mud puddle. *leaves* Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Guest IDrinkRatsMilk Report post Posted January 30, 2003 Here's a third grade classic: Wanna here a clean joke? Johnny took a bath with bubbles. Wanna hear a dirty joke? Bubbles was the boy from next door. Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Guest Scarlet Pimpernel Report post Posted January 30, 2003 I'm sure most of you know all my dead baby jokes Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Guest IDrinkRatsMilk Report post Posted January 30, 2003 I know every dead baby joke in existence. Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Guest The Metal Maniac Report post Posted January 30, 2003 Greatest dead baby joke EVER... What's worse then one dead baby? A pile of 'em. What's worse then a pile of 'em? A pile of 'em with a live one at the bottom. What's worse then a pile of 'em with a live one at the bottom? When he tries to eat his way out. What's worse then that? When he goes back for seconds. Oh, and... A farmer walked around behind the barn, and caught his son jerking off. "What are ya doin' son!" cried the farmer. "That stuff is precious! You can't waste it like that! You gotta save it for when it counts!" The son thought it over for a second and said "You're probably right dad." Few days later the father caught his son jerking off behind the barn again. "Son! I thought I told you to save that stuff!" "But I did, Dad! I've got a whole bucketfull in my room!" Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Guest welshjerichomark Report post Posted January 30, 2003 a duck walks into a bar, sits down and has a conversation with the barman that goes like this: duck: got any bread? barman:no duck:got any bread? barman:no duck:got any bread? barman:say that again and i'll nail your beak to the bar. duck:got any nails? barman:no duck: got any bread? Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Guest EQ Report post Posted January 30, 2003 Voodoo Dick: A guy walks into the sex shop on the outskirts of town. He walks up to the guy behind the counter. "Hey. I'm going away on a business trip for about a week. I need something to keep my wife occupied so that she doesn't feel tempted to cheat on me while I'm away." "Ok. Let me show you what I have." The man shows him various dildos, vibrators, etc. "Nah, I don't know if any of this stuff will do the trick. Have you got anything better?" "Follow me." The owner locks the front door and leads the man to the back room. He moves some cardboard boxes out of the way, and takes out a small wooden box with some designs all over it. He opens it to reveal what looks like a normal dildo. "I call this the Voodoo Dick. It has magical powers." The businessman replies with disbelief in his voice: "Oh yeah? And what's so magical about it? It looks like a normal dildo to me." The owner says: "Watch. Voodoo Dick, Keyhole." The Voodoo Dick hovers out of its box and flies over to the keyhole on the door and begins to "fuck" it. "HOLY SHIT. How does it work?!" "I told you, it's magic." "How do you stop it?!" "Voodoo Dick, go home" The Voodoo Dick flies back to it's box and the lid closes. "Is there anything special you need to do to get this to work?" "Nope, just tell it where you want it to go as I did. When you want it to stop, tell it to go home." "I'll take it!" The man takes it home to his wife. He explains what it does and tells her how to use it and leaves for his trip the next day. A few days go by, and the wife decides to try it. "Voodoo Dick, my pussy." The Voodoo Dick flies out of its box and begins to work its magic. "Oh my god! This is great" An hour or so passes, and the wife is ready for it to stop. "Voodoo Dick, stop" It doesn't stop. "Fuck, how do you turn it off?!" She tries all these different phrases, but can not remember how to turn it off. She starts to worry and decides to go to the hospital. She gets into the car and drives to the hospital. As you would imagine, her driving skills are somewhat impaired at this point. She's swerving all over the road, almost killing someone. A cop sees her and pulls her over. "Whoa, Lady. Have you been drinking?!" "No officer, you see... I'm in a bit of trouble. My husband gave me this magical Voodoo Dick and right now, it's fucking me so hard that I can't control the car. I need to get to the hospital to see if they can help me." Naturally, the cop doesn't believe a word of this. "HAHA! Yeah right, Lady! Voodoo Dick, MY ASS!" Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Guest converge241 Report post Posted January 30, 2003 A doctor, lawyer , and priest are on a boat It starts to sink The doctor says "weve got to save the children" the lawyer says "screw the children!" The priest says "do you think we'll have time?" Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Guest AM The Kid Report post Posted January 30, 2003 A preacher wanted to raise money for his church and on being told that there was a fortune in horse racing, decided to purchase a horse and enter it in the races. However, at the local auction, the going price for horses was so high that he ended up buying a donkey instead. He figured that since he had it, he might as well go ahead and enter it in the races. To his surprise, the donkey came in third! The next day the local paper carried this headline: PREACHER'S ASS SHOWS. The preacher was so pleased with the donkey that he entered it in the race again, and this time it won. The paper read: PREACHER'S ASS OUT IN FRONT. The Bishop was so upset with this kind of publicity that he ordered the preacher not to enter the donkey in another race. The paper headline read: BISHOP SCRATCHES PREACHER'S ASS. This was too much for the Bishop, so he ordered the preacher to get rid of the donkey. The preacher decided to give it to a nun in a nearby convent. The paper headline the next day read: NUN HAS BEST ASS IN TOWN. The Bishop fainted. He informed the nun that she would have to get rid of the donkey, so she sold it to a farmer for $10.00. The next day the headline read: NUN SELLS ASS FOR $10.00. This was too much for the Bishop, so he ordered the nun to buy back the donkey, lead it to the plains, and let it go. Next day, the headline in the paper read: NUN ANNOUNCES HER ASS IS WILD AND FREE. The Bishop was buried the next day. Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Guest EQ Report post Posted January 31, 2003 Little Johnny is in a class where every Friday the teacher asks a question, and if you get it right you don't have to go to school on Monday. The first Friday the question was how many gallons of water are there in the whole world. No one knew so they all had to go to school on Monday. Next Friday the question was how many grains of sand are there in the whole world. No one knew so they had to go to school on Monday. By this time Little Johnny is getting mad because he doesn't want to go to school on Monday, so he paints two ping-pong balls black and the next Friday right before the teacher asked the question he rolled the two black ping-pong balls up to her and she said, "Who is the comedian with two black balls?" Little Johnny said, "Bill Cosby. See you on Tuesday." Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Guest redbaron51 Report post Posted January 31, 2003 all the jokes i know are racist, and i don't want to get banned for them Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Guest EQ Report post Posted January 31, 2003 I know a couple of gay jokes, but I can't post them... right Dames? Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Guest The Amazing Rando Report post Posted January 31, 2003 Wow...someone posted "Voodoo Dick" ...that is my favorite joke of all time... Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Guest Youth N Asia Report post Posted January 31, 2003 Daughter walks up to her dad asking to borrow the car. "Only if you suck my dick," the dad replies. "That's sick dad!" the daughter says and storms out. "Dad," she says the next day, "can I borrow the car?" "Yeah," the dad says, "but first you gotta suck my dick." "No dad!" she shouts, "that's nasty." Next day rolls around and the daugher asks "dad, can I borrow the car?" "Only if you suck my dick" the dad says...she finally agrees and begins going down on him, a few seconds later she pops up, "YUCK!" she yells, "that tastes like shit!" "Yeah," the dad says. "your brother borrowed the truck this morning" ------------------------- Bad joke I know, my uncle told me that when I was 10, and it's always stuck with me. Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Guest IDrinkRatsMilk Report post Posted January 31, 2003 So there's two guys in a fox hole in Vietnam. One of the guys is getting so horny he can't stand it any more, until he screams "I CAN'T TAKE THIS SHIT NO MORE!" and he jumps out of the hole and runs off. About an hour later, he comes back, and his buddy says "So what happened?" The guy says "Got laid. Found this tight ass bitch in one of those villages we passed through a while back. I fucked her, I fucked her in the ass, and I came on her tits." His buddy says, "Really, that's great. How come you didn't get a blowjob?" And he says, "Couldn't find her head." Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Guest Respect The 'Taker Report post Posted January 31, 2003 *posts a picture of Bob Barron* *dies laughing* Poor barron will regret going into that photo thread for the rest of his life. Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
