your WWE SMACKDOWN WORKRATE- 1/30/2003!

[Guest DEAN RASMUSSEN]

I got a terciary flu- as everyone else in my li`l family got the fullblown flu, so I am miserable helper boy as opposed to catered-to sick person. Folks told me that it would put me in the perfect mood for tonights Smackdown. - as they taunted me by dancing around the spoilers that they had read. I scoff and say HA! We will see. Meanwhile, head..... hurt....body..... hurt.

 

WHAT WORKED-

- Rey Rey isn`t Junior anymore? Wha? Did his uncle secretly die? The junior part made his gimmick cooler- because he was such a little fella. FUCK! I thought they already blew this fued off. A-Train is fun punching Rey Rey in the head and Rey is chockfull of ``tiny child versus bully`` moments. A-Train brings some fun offense when Rey is leaning into it like a fucking KING. Rey is Rey. Rey is waaaaaaaaaay better than Edge. A-Train is Albert. A-Train is pretty good at making it look like not so comical of a mismatch and gets the inexplicable win. Good match. Rey rules. They need to get Rey out of this fued- despite the fact that it shows that Rey can wrestle his ass off with ANYONE. And there are worse guys in the WWE than Albert- but we need the Benoit/Edge/ Rey vs TEAM ANGLE already. But if ``ifs`` were fifths we`d alllllllll be drunk.

 

- Los Guerrerros come out and everything is right with the world. THE CHEAT 2 WIN SHIRTZ! THE CHEAT 2 WIN SHIRTZ! Holy fuck! Cena gets all Hip-hop version of Skrewdriver with the anti-Latino rap. Guerrerros are...... faces now? Eddy doesn`t give a shit and starts beating the shit out of Cena and Chavo cheats outside the ring. Cena gets on offense and Red Dog cheats outside the ring. Eddy gets the face chant when CENA PUTS THE HEAT ON THE BABYFACE~! Cena is fun as a heel wrestlin`- cutting off Eddy as he is making his comebacks, building the heat with arrogant covers and all-around snideness. Eddy goes all Memphis with the punches to transition and hits the babyface-as-fuck dropkick. Red Dog cheats to win, but the ref is distracted by young Red Dog so Cena goes up top but Chavo pushes him directly into Love Machine Splash position for the win. Chavo cheats to win and we all weep that they have found a way to cheat for GOOD instead of cheat for EVIL.

 

- Spanky talks to Heyman and I worry about what Spanky has to do to get Heyman to represent him. Heyman says, `` Have I got a job for you`` and it all becomes crystal clear.

 

- PART ONE: AL WILSON- DEAD MACK WALKING

Al Wilson arises from his valentine shaped bed, which is in the Lair of the Blastmaster 9,000 feet below his gravesite (where he faked his own death to get away from that crazy bitch Dawn Marie and his insufferable daughter- blonde bimbo Torrie.) Al is dressed and checking the clip to his 9. He lets the hot stacked Finnish babe sleep. He`s done enough to satiate his sensual appettite and- anyway- he`s got other fish to fry today. He motions over to Yellope- his butler. ``Yo, Yell. I know I owe you one for betting against you when them hotties coached by Pat Summit lost to your uptight white girls from UConn. Tell ya what. Inge here is gonna need some early morning sumpin sumpin and it would do my heart good if you take care of her while I go to the surface and see WHAT THE FUCK your boy Baron Von Raschke is doing.`` Yell looks at Al and smiles, ``You got it, cheese. I`ll let her sweet ass home when she gets done. What THE FUCK has the Baron done now?`` Al smiles and sticks his flask of Johnny Walker Red in his overcoat inside pocket. ``Crazy Lutheran motherfuckah done got his hands on a Nazi Power Wig. Seems that Paul Jones Laboratories in Guatemala perfected it last year and now he`s leased it to the Baron. I don`t know what the fuck is going on. All I know is that motherfuckers in Washington call me at fucking FIVE A M and want me to come out today and get a debriefing.`` ``Good luck, my brother.`` Al gets all serious on his butler and says, ``If anybody calls, tellem I`m dead.`` They laugh and hug and Al disappears into the night. 2 B CONTINUED, MOTHERFUCKER.

 

- Awesome! Shannon Moore gets to make all of us long-suffering MFers get something out of our investment in him. Matt sees something and now would be a good time for the little MFer to deliver on the good faith Matt has put in him. And all he has to do is beat THAT USELESS MOTHERFUCKING BORING AS LAST WEEKS BEETLE BAILEY COMICS MOTHERFUCKING HORRIBLE BILLY KIDMAN! KICK HIM! GODDAMMIT! ELBOW HIM AGAIN! MOTHEFUCK! Shannon hits that Shinzaki straightjacket choke thingie and Kidman powers out and hits a shitty Snooze Button dropkick to get on offense. He hits his big flying Boaring Elbow for two. Shannon hits the corner leg lariat for two. Kidman hits his 19 Hour Murder She Wrote Marathon Driver 99 but Shannon kicks out. Kidman hits the enzuboring to set up his Sleeping Star Press for the win- after both Matt and Shannon couldn`t knock him off the top turnbuckle. LUCKILY, postmatch- they beat the living breathing dogshit out of Kidman before even more innocent wrestling viewers can be put to sleep by the Cruiserweight champ. MATT HARDY FUCKING RULES. KICK THAT MOTHERFUCKER ONE MORE TIME FOR ME! Kidman is way behind- as the wrestler- getting me- the wrestling fan- to like him.

 

- Angle talking to TEAM ANGLE could go down in wrestling history as this era`s Piper`s Pit or the Flair For the Gold. Tonite`s was fucking great- ``The OLD Packers, not the pathetic losers who can`t win a playoff game in their own building. `` I FELL OUT. Benoit and Edge do weird head nod thing and head for the ring- as they seem to be recreating the ECW Malenko/Benoit cool assed silent professional assbeater tagteam- which would be a good move. TEAM ANGLE hits the ring and the velour warm-up suits fucking ROK. Edge and Benoti come out to two different intros and hit the ring together. Benoit starts off by beating the fudge oout of Charlie and Benoit is feeling it. Well, he`s always feeling it. Shelton comes in and works over Benoit until Benoit escapes and makes the tag to Edge and Angle feels the urge to go to the apron and take a GIGANTIC bump by eating a spear. Charlie then saves Benoit`s life as Benoit does the Tope Suicida that looked like he was going to go neck first into the table leg. Edge with the Missile Dropkick and we go to commercial. Shelton is beating on Edge and it goes kinda Southern though they don`t actually have a real heat segment on Edge as Benoit comes in and they beat the shit out of Charlie and the arm of Charlie. Charlie escapes a Crossface and they continue to beat the shit out of Haas which is making the finish look a little obvious. Haas gets to transition with the German suplex and they PUT THE HEAT ON THE BABYFACE~! Shelton is fun breaking Edge`s leg and Haas is spirited in his leg crimping also. Shelton hits Nagata Lock 1, 2 or 3 and you weep love`s easy tears. God, this match is SUPER old school Southern tag- more akin to Murdock/Adonis vs the Briscoes than RnR vs MXP. Haas and Benjamin do a great Figure four spot with the Benoit making the save but Haas taglessly takes over. They do a couple of near tags and Benoit is a house a-fire: suplexing them onto each other. Shelton hits a fucking BEAUTIFUL superkick on Charlie and Benoit hits the Locomotion German Suplexes to set up the Diving Headbutt and Angle and Haas take giant bumps and there is a forty five part finish to set up Angle hitting Benoit in the head with the belt to get the pin for Shelton. Guerrerros vs TEAM ANGLE next week? FUCK YEAH. Great fucking match.

 

WHAT DIDN`T WORK-

 

- Vince McMahon comes out and it isn`t anything I ever want to see. I use this time to peel an orange and proofread the Al Wilson mini-series (a mini-series that I have put in the worked column very presumptiously. ) Vince says that Hogan is on life-support. I guess those mountains of steroids that he lied about in court about not taking finally got to him. Jesus, this goes on so long I could proofread the Old Testament if I were God and had written it. Of course, if I were God, I would need no proofreading. Of course, if I were God, I would have gone crazy by now and destroyed all of creation in reaction to 1999 WCW booking decisions. But that is why I write these things en lieu being the most omnipotent being in the universe. Thank your lucky stars. Think all of all that MST3K and CFL football you`d have to watch. Hey, Rock vs Hogan could be good. Sorta. Evil Rock is no longer fun as he gives the most pussy assed ``I don`t want to be a heel`` heel promo ever. Remember when he was in the Nation of Domination and he could generate actual heel heat. Now he is getting crowd to chant his catchphrases and undermine any heelishness. Someone needs tell the Rock that trying to be Scott Hall never helped anybody, especially Scott Hall.

 

- Rikishi and Bill Demott have some wrestling. Rikishi I like. Bill Demott is being pushed again? Oh cool. I have someone to hate again. Match sucked. Ending wasn`t very good. UT comes out postmatch and tries to be lovable. I dream of the Rikishi/ UT vs Demott/ Big Show ULTRAMATCH! As always, UT is electric on the stick. Though I am enthralled, I can`t help but wonder how many oranges I have left. Should I go to work tomorrow? Maybe I`m still infectious. Smackdown The Show wanders off itself and decides to air some commercials while UT is in the ring. We- as wrestling fans and television viewers that like to PICK the time we go to sleep- thank young Smackdown for taking us away from UT talking in the ring in Green Bay, WI. But I can`t help but feel sorry for the good people of Green Bay- going to the wrestling show, trying to forget how shitty their team did in the playoffs and how cold it is in January and what do they get? The Undertaker giving a very long discertation of his new philosophy, as he says it`s ``Shut Up and Fight`` and he then doesn`t shut up. Hey, Spanky comes out after, I`m guessing, Heyman finished plying him with manly love, sings and get Last Ridden by UT. UT takes back the 100 dollar tip. I could analyze how this Spanky angle was kinda booked by the people behind Bangbus.com but I`ve never been to that site and wouldn`t understand what I am talking about.

 

THERE YOU HAVE IT.

 

DEAN RASMUSSEN.

[Guest Banky]

Can't you show more love for John Cena's greatness? I think you should. His rhymes are better than Eddie's wrestling, and I love Eddie.

[Guest RavishingRickRudo]

``You got it, cheese. I`ll let her sweet ass home when she gets done. What THE FUCK has the Baron done now?`` Al smiles and sticks his flask of Johnny Walker Red in his overcoat inside pocket. ``Crazy Lutheran motherfuckah done got his hands on a Nazi Power Wig. Seems that Paul Jones Laboratories in Guatemala perfected it last year and now he`s leased it to the Baron. I don`t know what the fuck is going on. All I know is that motherfuckers in Washington call me at fucking FIVE A M and want me to come out today and get a debriefing.``

 

DEAN, you truly are the king of kings.

[EL DANDY~! 0]

DEAN, king of kings...when are you going to do the spell to bring AL MACK DADDY WILSON back to life>? I wanna know so I may learn of the true pimpage that is Al fuckin Wilson...

[Guest Lord of The Curry]

They need to bring back Godfather to Smackdown for just ONE episode, but bring him back as Papa Shango and have him use his voodoo spells to bring Al "Superfuck" Wilson back from the dead. Then all the ladies gush and the guys blush because they know that it's judgement day.

[Guest Brian]

Someone needs tell the Rock that trying to be Scott Hall never helped anybody, especially Scott Hall.

This quote rules.

[Guest Banky]

I think the Rock is intentionally delaying the whole heel turn. It was a subtly implied throughout the interview that he was a heel but he wasn't completely showing it.

[Guest RickyChosyu]

Since you forced us to imagine what Albert's mounting face would look like (not that I resent you for it, or anything) I think I've found new joy in his matches: not only did he look to protruding in Rey Rey's bowels with that Full Nelson hold, he did it with the MOUNTING FACE~! You are my lord and savior for making me look forward to A-Train matches, Dean.

 

Jesus, this goes on so long I could proofread the Old Testament if I were God and had written it. Of course, if I were God, I would need no proofreading. Of course, if I were God, I would have gone crazy by now and destroyed all of creation in reaction to 1999 WCW booking decisions.

 

*big laugh*

 

That's priceless.

 

Hey, Spanky comes out after, I`m guessing, Heyman finished plying him with manly love, sings and get Last Ridden by UT. UT takes back the 100 dollar tip. I could analyze how this Spanky angle was kinda booked by the people behind Bangbus.com but I`ve never been to that site and wouldn`t understand what I am talking about.

 

*trying really hard to supress laughter*

 

UT's been lifting ideas from that website for ages. Spanky represents one of the snobby chicks they have to pay to fondle a bit (only to steal the money back at the end), while David Flair was a super-skank who was always so ready for the luvin that UT didn't even have to offer him anything to get a little tail.

 

UT Sanchez's next victim? Shannon Moore is the obvious choice, being the disheveled, abused lover who seeks tenderness but receives only cruelty and rejection from his companion, to the point that he'd to anything to feel close to another man.

 

If I were Taker, however, I'd pick Josh from Tough Enough. Just as Big Evil showed Spanky tonight that Heyman can't give him the true tender luvin he deserves, so too does Josh need to be shown the Big Show's Rumple Foreskin isn't the only game in town.

 

Was there wreslting on Smackdown?

[EL DANDY~! 0]

Since you forced us to imagine what Albert's mounting face would look like (not that I resent you for it, or anything) I think I've found new joy in his matches: not only did he look to protruding in Rey Rey's bowels with that Full Nelson hold, he did it with the MOUNTING FACE~! You are my lord and savior for making me look forward to A-Train matches, Dean.

 

Jesus, this goes on so long I could proofread the Old Testament if I were God and had written it. Of course, if I were God, I would need no proofreading. Of course, if I were God, I would have gone crazy by now and destroyed all of creation in reaction to 1999 WCW booking decisions.

 

*big laugh*

 

That's priceless.

 

Hey, Spanky comes out after, I`m guessing, Heyman finished plying him with manly love, sings and get Last Ridden by UT. UT takes back the 100 dollar tip. I could analyze how this Spanky angle was kinda booked by the people behind Bangbus.com but I`ve never been to that site and wouldn`t understand what I am talking about.

 

*trying really hard to supress laughter*

 

UT's been lifting ideas from that website for ages. Spanky represents one of the snobby chicks they have to pay to fondle a bit (only to steal the money back at the end), while David Flair was a super-skank who was always so ready for the luvin that UT didn't even have to offer him anything to get a little tail.

 

UT Sanchez's next victim? Shannon Moore is the obvious choice, being the disheveled, abused lover who seeks tenderness but receives only cruelty and rejection from his companion, to the point that he'd to anything to feel close to another man.

 

If I were Taker, however, I'd pick Josh from Tough Enough. Just as Big Evil showed Spanky tonight that Heyman can't give him the true tender luvin he deserves, so too does Josh need to be shown the Big Show's Rumple Foreskin isn't the only game in town.

 

Was there wreslting on Smackdown?

Ricky, Team Angle, Edge, and Benoit went all Japan on us with Edge busting the reverse cross-armbreaker, Hass with the perpendicular figure four, and then Benjamin makes me gleek with joy at the fact that he locks on Nagata Lock I and I mark out at it and cry. If he did the salute, I would have died. The match was so Southern I could smell the cauliflower and fried chicken from Cali...

[Guest RickyChosyu]

Oh yeah, now it's all coming back to me. I got so caught up in UT's exploits as a Weapon of Ass Destruction that I forgot all about the wrestling:

 

*Team Angle needs a finish besides Belt Shot from Kurt. I don't care who they beat, just put them over *someone* clean to establish a finisher for them. They've got plenty of double teams to chose from, just pick one so that the audience perceives them to have some chance of winning the tag belts on their own. Of course, it's too late for that now, so I guess I'm just complaining for the sake of it again. I need to stop doing that.

 

*Looking aside from the hilarious facials from Albert, what the hell was the A-Train/Rey Rey match? It wasn't offensive or anything, but Jesus Jumping Christ, what was the point? This is just the same angle as last time, only minus the injury part.

 

A whole-hearted "FUCK YOU!!!" to whoever it was who came up with this "get their heat back" idea in the first place. The world is a worse place because of you.

[EL DANDY~! 0]

Team Angle needs the greatest finisher alive right now that isn't used by ANYONE...Total Elimination. OK. Maybe not Total Elimination, but something cool and such. Like maybe that Inverted Doomsday Device. That looks SWANKY...

[Guest RavishingRickRudo]

They need to have like a belly to belly thrown into a piledriver/powerbomb combo.

[Guest Lord of The Curry]

Give Team Angle the Superkick/German suplex combo they used when the debuted against Benoit.

 

Now, if they brought Ohtani in and teamed him up with Benoit to show these kids how the fuckin move is done, I'd be pissing evian and shitting chocolate truffles because it would be the greatest thing ever. Oh please, you know it would.

[EL DANDY~! 0]

Curry, Ohtani coming to the WWF equals two things. One, he's Japanese, so look for him to be Smackdown's #2 announcer. Two, he's whoopin ass over in ZERO-ONE. No reason to come to the States...yet

[Guest DEAN RASMUSSEN]

Hey, Spanky comes out after, I`m guessing, Heyman finished plying him with manly love, sings and get Last Ridden by UT. UT takes back the 100 dollar tip. I could analyze how this Spanky angle was kinda booked by the people behind Bangbus.com but I`ve never been to that site and wouldn`t understand what I am talking about.

 

*trying really hard to supress laughter*

 

UT's been lifting ideas from that website for ages. Spanky represents one of the snobby chicks they have to pay to fondle a bit (only to steal the money back at the end), while David Flair was a super-skank who was always so ready for the luvin that UT didn't even have to offer him anything to get a little tail.

 

UT Sanchez's next victim? Shannon Moore is the obvious choice, being the disheveled, abused lover who seeks tenderness but receives only cruelty and rejection from his companion, to the point that he'd to anything to feel close to another man.

 

If I were Taker, however, I'd pick Josh from Tough Enough. Just as Big Evil showed Spanky tonight that Heyman can't give him the true tender luvin he deserves, so too does Josh need to be shown the Big Show's Rumple Foreskin isn't the only game in town.

 

Was there wreslting on Smackdown?

I think I opened a pandora's box (so to speak) with the Bangbus comment. I blame the decline of morals in the United States as it pertains to the internet and my own weakness as a man... a man who loves the beautiful ladies of the internet....... and their glorious nekkidness,,,,

 

DEAN.

[EL DANDY~! 0]

I think I opened a pandora's box (so to speak) with the Bangbus comment. I blame the decline of morals in the United States as it pertains to the internet and my own weakness as a man... a man who loves the beautiful ladies of the internet....... and their glorious nekkidness,,,,

 

DEAN.

It is alright DEAN...it's alright. You are not the only one looking for hot womanly nekkidness...is it so wrong to see nekkidness on the internet? Is it so wrong to want to see jugs of amazing size smother another man's face??? Is it so wrong to see multiple LAAAAAAAAAAAAAADIES get it done to them in multiple orifaces? I think not...I think not...

[Guest AndrewTS]

Give Team Angle the Superkick/German suplex combo they used when the debuted against Benoit.

That's their official tag finisher I believe--they attempted it but Benoit ducked the superkick and Haas got decked instead, though.

 

- Rey Rey isn`t Junior anymore? Wha? Did his uncle secretly die? The junior part made his gimmick cooler- because he was such a little fella. FUCK! I thought they already blew this fued off.

 

Er, Dean--his whole WWE stint he's just been "Rey Mysterio." Odd how you are so observant about some things and totally miss other obvious things.

[Guest DEAN RASMUSSEN]

- Rey Rey isn`t Junior anymore? Wha? Did his uncle secretly die? The junior part made his gimmick cooler- because he was such a little fella. FUCK! I thought they already blew this fued off.

 

Er, Dean--his whole WWE stint he's just been "Rey Mysterio." Odd how you are so observant about some things and totally miss other obvious things.

The WHOLE TIME? God, I am not detail oriented.

 

DEAN.