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On the Box: Some Whoopie Goldberg flick


In the Player: Father Ted


Heavy Rotation: American Graffiti OST


Sore Thumbs: Kinnikuman






Ever the fucking first in line when it comes to this stuff, I saw Lord of The Rings: The Two Towers on Saturday. Yes, for the first time.




If any of you are “long time reader” material, you’ll know that I wasn’t exactly enamoured with the first one. And, to be honest, I wasn’t all that impressed with this one either.








The film is basically three hours of narrative with a big battle at the end. Which, I mean, I’m not going to say that the story is boring, because it isn’t it’s just fantasy shit that ain’t my cup of tea. But my problem with it is, nothing fucking happens for two hours. They’re all walking round like “Aw shit, you should’ve seen the shit that was going down at such and such that was some wild shit.” If it was a book, you don’t mind hours of narrative, because that’s what a book is. But when you’re in the theatre with a numb ass, it’s different.




Then there’s the fucking gaping plotholes. Now, I don’t mind plothole shit, there’s a bunch of movies I mark for with holes you could pull a whale through. But it really bothers me that fantasy in general, and particular the geeked-out LoTR, gets away with shit that you just couldn’t get away with in any other genre. Like, that whole falling about a million miles through the middle of a mountain. You see, the thing about that is, that couldn’t fucking happen. And what the fuck’s this the big orc dudes have got these big fucking bombs that blow up fucking walls; why didn’t they just throw a bunch of them OVER the wall and kill the fuckers? THAT SHIT’S JUST DUMB. And how about Gandolf the Gay and his “I’ll be there on the fifth fucking morning” shit. Why didn’t someone say “Whoa mother fucker, why don’t you show up on the FOURTH fucking morning BEFORE the battle starts, when you can actually be some fucking help?” If this was a sci-fi movie, geeks would be all over that shit, but no, it’s FANTASY, so people pretend like these tired fucking conventions don’t hurt the film. The story may be a classic, but it’s still riddled with fucking errors. And the thing that annoyed me the most was the absolute WASTE of talent. I mean, they load it with guys like Magneto and Dracula, and they show fuck all range. Here’s all you have to do to star in a LoTR movie: zoom the camera in REALLY FUCKING CLOSE, stand looking up at something in awe, and say one odd-sounding word with INTENSITY: “MORRRRRR-DOOORRRRRRRRRRR!” No acting necessary.




All of that said though, it was a damn fine looking movie. Like the first, it was certainly the most epic thing I’ve ever seen beautifully shot. Although if I was that crazy about seeing beautiful landscapes, I’ll just watch The Discovery Channel. The CG on Gollem/Gollum/Golem/GetBent was unbelievable, too. Am I right in thinking it WASN’T ILM that did those shots? That character was totally convincing in a way that CGI has rarely been Jar Jar looked pretty shaky before, but now… And that huge battle scene was awesome, in all fairness. They played ol’ dwarf boy for too much comedy IMHO, but whatever. Oh, and those tree dudes were bad fucking ass.




So shit, I saw it anyway. We’d been trying for about three weeks, but the mother fucker is still sold out most of the time. It was our anniversary this weekend too, so we had mucho sex and went out for some eats, which was cool of course. This is a shitty few months for our wallets, though: there’s Christmas, my birthday on Jan 7th, my girl’s nephew’s birthday on the 15th, my mom’s birthday on the 28th, our anniversary on Feb 2nd, my girl’s birthday on the 13th, and Valentine’s on the 14th. That’s expensive, yo. Then there’s my dad’s birthday in March, and Easter after that. Which means from the end of November until the end of March, I’m fucking broke. Oh well.




Since I’m rambling anyway, I may as well go the fuck on skip ahead if you want. Good news in the form of good grades: I can get a first on my degree if I score just three As this term. Three! Fucking awesome. I’m somehow carrying forward two Bs overall from last term, which means that getting a degree is even fucking easier than I thought, because I did SHAG ALL last year. Hopefully I haven’t jinxed myself by saying that. Touch wood, touch wood…




I’ve written up a pretty extensive review of Kinnikuman/Ultimate Muscle for the GameCube. Yes, the new AKI wrestling game. I’ll post it towards the end of the week, which is highly fucking appropriate as Datel’s Action Replay and Freeloader are released next week, which means you can play import games without modding your Cube, so there’s no reason for not checking this out, ‘cause it’s fucking great.




Okay, I’ve yammered enough. ON WITH THE CONTENT~!












Yikes. I was surfing through the release schedule and my computer totally crashed the fuck out. Usually that only happens when I go to Scotsman's site and click on a link that leads me to pictures so horrific that my computer shuts itself down out of panic, so it must’ve seen a Steven Segal film or something.




It’s a pretty hefty heap of crap this week in fact, there’s only one DVD I’m interested in picking up: WWF Before They Were Superstars 2. If you like this WWF Confidential Revisionist History™ stuff, you like it; if you don’t, you don’t. And if you don’t, then the WWF’s increasingly cool lineup of DVD extras might be enough for you. Thanks to MilleniumMan831 at our swanky forums, here are the extras for the disc:





  • Rob Van Dam A young RVD takes on one of Ted DiBiase’s challenges, earning himself a c-note and getting on TV





  • Shawn Michaels The Rockers’ 1988 Federation debut match against Mike Sharpe and The Intruder





  • Al Snow WWF debut of Avatar against Brian Walsh in 1995





  • Chris Jericho 1996 WCW debut against Alex Wright on Nitro





  • Tazz Taz vs Mikey Whipwreck from the ECW invasion of RAW in 1997





  • Torrie Wilson WCW Down Underwear Match: Torrie vs Tygress from Nitro in 2000





  • John Cena Debut WWF match against Kurt Angle on Smack!Down



  • Christopher Nowinski Nowinski’s Tough Enough audition tape

The optimist in me says that all this classic footage is the WWF’s roundabout way of testing the waters for fan demand for this kind of product. Shit, they basically sold truckloads of HGH DVDs on the back of a Flair match, and the Confidential DVD is solely being bought for Bret-Davey and Montreal. So if we want to continue seeing this kind of stuff form the Fed, we better all pick this up hell, there’s some good shit on there anyway (even though it would’ve been cooler to see Cena’s OVW debut, or Tazz’s Tazmaniac debut if they had the rights to the footage).




Probably the most anticipated DVD for geeky, lowest common denominator wrestling folk like us is Predator 2. It’s hardly a fucking loaded disc, with only the trailer, the ominous ‘Predator 2: Creating the Ultimate Hunter’ featurette, and an anamorphic transfer. I got a couple of emails form people excited about the disc asking me if the long-available Region 2 Predator: Special Edition has got a US release date yet, and the answer is no. Like I said all those months… wow, it’s nearly a year ago… don’t expect it any time soon. There’s an off chance that if sales for Predator 2 are strong, they’ll wheel out the SE of the original, but I doubt it. You’re probably better off importing it from the UK it’s actually in the sale at Play right now. Check out my review here if you’re interested. Is Sweet Home Alabama the flick with that ugly Witherspoon chick?Well, it’s out this week, anyway. I seem to remember it was complete crap, but hey, it’s your money. The truly wonderful Six Feet Under The Complete First Season also hits store shelves this week… for $100. FUCK. ME. If you look around even a little, you can find the set for about 70 bucks, but that’s beside the point. It’s a great show, and the DVDs are pretty nice, but FOUR DVDs FOR A HUNDRED BUCKS?That’s just fucking criminal. But not unprecedented HBO always dick us with their prices, like Sex and The City and The Sopranos. Shit, compare the price to 24, or Buffy the only way to get the message to HBO is by holding off on these releases for a few weeks to put the fear of God into them, then maybe they’ll get the message. Nonetheless, the set includes commentaries by the creator/writer/director on two episodes, a 20 minute behind-the-scenes featurette, a 15 minute featurette on the creation of the title sequence, a deleted scene from the pilot, two music tracks, series index, weblinks… and best of all, it’s ANAMORPHIC, BABY. Of course, being that it’s HBO, the featurettes will probably be total shite, but what the hell. Fans of B-movie crap will LOVE to know that The Alex Cook Collection, consisting of Straight to Hell, Repo Man, Death and the Compass, and Three Businessmen, is yours for the taking this week. There’s a lot of stuff music-wise, with The Beach Boys, Jungle Brothers, Earth, Wind & Fire, Jerry Lee Lewis, Joe Cocker and others. And if you’re my dad, you’ll probably go fucking nuts because The American President is re-released this week. I swear to God, he plays that and Notting Hill on REPEAT all fucking day. When Badlands finally makes it to the format I'm moving out. There’s a lot of re-releases this week: the “better remembered than watched again” Tom Hank's Big, the Infinifilm edition of Blow, The Bodyguard, Executive Decision (come on, Segal fucking DIES in it), Kiss of The Dragon, Lake Placid, Legends of the Fall Special Edition… shit, a lot of re-releases. There’s a bunch of Hello Kitty and Inspector Morse DVDs, and… well, that’s as far as I got before everything went tits up. Daddy of The Week Digital Versatile Dick Since I only made it through the first third of the release list, I didn’t get a chance to check out all the crap on offer this week. However, I DID make it all the way through “D”, which means I came across two of the biggest piles of digital shit on the planet: Driven and Dungeons and Dragons. Seriously, if you want about three and a half hours of unintentional comedy genius, pick up these two little gems. SORTED. MOORE BOWLING




Michael Moore’s highly fucking acclaimed documentary Bowling for Columbine is due to hit stores on April 22nd, and the DVD looks pretty tidy.




In addition to an anamorphic transfer and 5.1 audio, there’s a commentary with Moore, an interview with him, and the trailer. Which doesn’t sound like a whole lot, but generally, commentary tracks on documentaries are the most interesting. Take Beyond the Mat, whose commentary is HUGELY overlooked it’s way more interesting listening to the filmmaker talk about how the filming was done and what didn’t make it into the film than it is to watch the damn film itself.




The interview may be total pap, but I’m really looking forward to this bad boy.




Thanks to the DVD Times












Following last week’s announcement on the release of two new Matrix DVDs, WE NOW HAVE SPECS, BABY!




Nah, I don’t give a fuck either. Nonetheless, here they are:






The AniMatrix streets June 3rd, $25




The supplemental features haven’t been announced yet, but keep checking back at whatisthematrix.warnerbrothers.com, and while you’re there, you might as well save yourself 25 bucks by downloading the episodes for free:




Final Flight of the Osiris


Written by: Andy and Larry Wachowski


Directed by: Andy Jones


Animation & Production Design by: Square USA




The Second Renaissance Parts 1 & 2


Written by: Andy and Larry Wachowski


Directed by: Mahiro Maeda


Animation & Production Design by: Studio 4?C, Tokyo




Kid's Story


Written by: Andy and Larry Wachowski


Directed by: Shinichiro Watanabe


Animation & Production Design by: Studio 4?C, Tokyo






Written and Directed by: Yoshiaki Kawajiri


Animation & Production Design by: Madhouse Studios, Tokyo




World Record


Written By: Yoshiaki Kawajiri


Directed by: Takeshi Koike


Animation & Production Design by: Madhouse Studios, Tokyo






Written and Directed by: Koji Morimoto


Animation & Production Design by: Studio 4?C, Tokyo




Detective Story


Written and Directed by: Shinichiro Watanabe


Animation & Production Design by: Studio 4?C, Tokyo






Written and Directed by: Peter Chung


Animation & Production Design by: DNA, Seoul






The Matrix Super Duper Sick Sucking Fleece You Mother Fuckers Dry Ediition streets April 29th, $28




The Times kindly referred to this set as “a ‘foil wrapped’ repackaging” of the single-disc edition. They’re too fucking kind. Anyway, this is basically the Matrix and Matrix Revisited discs with a couple of extra extras, none of which are a new (read: DECENT) commentary or a DTS mix. Fuckers.




Disc One The Matrix



  • Anamorphic Widescreen


  • English DD5.1 Audio


  • Commentary by Carrie-Anne Moss, visual effects supervisor John Gaeta, and editor Zach Staenberg


  • Isolated score track with commentary by Don Davis


  • ‘Making the Matrix’ documentary


  • ‘Follow the White Rabbit’ branching featurettes


  • ‘Take the Red Pill’ effects documentaries


  • ‘What Is Bullet Time?’ anatomy of Bullet Time


  • ‘What Is the Concept?’ music montage that shows the progression from concept to final effect


  • ‘What Is this Bullshit?’ the Wachowski brothers explain themselves for re-releasing the same fucking disc about eight times with marginal extras and the same shitty commentary

Disc Two The Matrix Revisited





  • Six behind-the-scenes featurettes about The Matrix.


  • ‘The Art Revisited’ multiple still galleries.


  • The Animatrix: The Second Renaissance Parts 1 and 2


  • Preload: On the Set of Reloaded


  • ‘What Is the Game?’ videogame teaser


  • ‘What Is With this What Is the XXXX?’ more hype bullshit


  • Marilyn Manson "Rock is Dead" music video


  • The Matrix: Reloaded music sampler


  • The Animatrix trailer


  • Theatrical trailers and teasers


  • TV Spots


  • TheMatrix.com website preview




  • Interactive screenplay with storyboards, clips, and more


  • ‘Are You the One?’ game


  • ‘From Strip to Screen’ essay


  • ‘Everybody Loves Kung-Fu Fighting!’ martial-arts movie featurette


  • A sci-fi film retrospective, and more


  • Website link

So, if you want to waste another 50 bucks on shit you already own and/or can download for free from the damn website, be my guest I’m burnt out on Matrix hype.












Here’s some specs for Emineminem’s little movie, 8 Mile: ‘The Making of 8 Mile’, which promises to be HBO-style pap, five rap battles between Eminem and various extras (as in, extra cast members), and the music video for ‘Superman’, available ONLY on the 8 Mile DVD. Whoopie fucking do.




The disc is available in censored and uncensored flavours, because… um, well, parents should have the right. To, choose. And stuff.








Fuck this, I’m off to watch Father Ted.




Feedback at the usual place, take it easy, yadda yadda. And remember:













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