To DVD Spree, my Valentine

[Guest MaskedDanger]

It's always wonderful to watch a self-righteous pseudo-pundit fall apart under pressure.

 

For starters, you can cut your pissy little insights into the wonders of English grammar right now, smart guy. Let it be known that I have a college degree in literature with a minor in writing. I have been making a living in the writing and English education fields for the past five years. Right now, I teach English at a college in Lumberton, NC. Before that, I was a paid music reviewer for Pitchforkmedia.com for two years. My senior year of college, I had articles published in two scholarly journals---the Gale Group's Poetry Criticism Volume 35 and The Pembroke Magazine. I've also delivered critical papers at literary conferences (while still an undergrad) and published poems and essays in numerous magazines and journals. Oh, and I can back any or all of this up with enough paperwork and documentation to make your ceiling cave in. So listen up, buttercup: I know how to write, and I know how to frame a logical argument. When you’ve been published multiple times in a national scholarly resource, then we’ll talk.

 

Now, to discuss the remainder of your tiresome comments, we’ll take your response point by ponderous point:

 

First, in my "series devolves but claims it's getting better," comment, I said exactly what I meant to say. I do hate it when the SERIES (meaning, in essence, the production company, via press releases and the like) claims it's improving when it's really not. I hadn’t said a goddamn thing about you at that point, nor did I put any words in your mouth. You're the one who because all hot and bothered for no reason, not me.

 

Oh, and how can Def Jam be a step backwards if, as you’ve claimed, it’s practically the same game as No Mercy. Is it possible for something to be a step down from itself? Bizarre!

 

As for your wondrous "REVIEWS ARE OPINION" insight, well what a goddamned revelation! I know they're opinion, Sherlock, but by that same effect they had better be an opinion based, in some way, on some sort of fact, something like---oh, I don't know---playing the fucking game. Do you draw all your vaulted opinions out of thin air? I certainly hope not. I never did. Reviews are not EXPRESSING facts, but they sure as hell are BASED on facts. There has to be something objective that can be mutually agreed upon (in your case the qualities of the game itself; in mine, the music on the albums I reviewed) somewhere in this reviewing process or what’s the fucking point of reviewing anything? Everyone can agree on what gameplay qualities are or are not present in the latest game you’re reviewing (how many moves each guy has, what counters people use, what buttons you press to climb the ropes, etc.). That’s fact. Everyone can agree on what notes were played when on any given song on the albums I reviewed. That’s fact. The OPINION only comes after the reviewer’s contemplation and interpretation of those facts. One forms an opinion based on the facts. See how that works? I was basing my comments on the FACTS you presented in your review, and generating my own OPINION, which I later posted to this board, not realizing that you’re an overly self-conscious asshead that would harp on my comments as if I had dusted them in some kind of dickweed attractor. Quite frankly, I could give a shit about your opinions, buddy, because it’s obvious it differs from mine substantially.

 

The Zelda being cel-shaded comparison does not work for this discussion, idiot, because that is a matter of aesthetics while the Def Jam / Ultimate Muscle debate is a matter of gameplay. Those are two very different areas, something a video game reviewer should already realize without me having to explain to him. All the cel-shading does is change the way Link or the Tri-Force look; changing gameplay changes the game itself. Comparing a change in graphics to a change in gameplay is like comparing the change of the shape of a dialysis machine to a change in its function. If it still works like a dialysis machine, who cares what the fuck it looks like? However, if it only looks like a dialysis machine and doesn’t perform a dialysis machine’s functions, it’s not a fucking dialysis machine. If you use it on people with kidney failure, they will die. I know graphics are a big part of a video game’s appeal and can’t be discounted in that regard, but we’re discussing function—gameplay—here, something profoundly different. With that said, to address your point about the “bullshit change” issue, one can fuck with the graphics and still have at the core a solid gaming engine. However, as I said before, fuck with the gameplay and you fuck with the basis of the game. That’s not a change that should be made lightly, because, at the end of the day, I’d wager that’s what most gamers come back to their favorite games for—the gameplay. As I said, I know graphics are important in certain respects, but if all gamers want to do is look at pretty pictures, they’d go to an art gallery. Gamers enjoy interacting with the games, PLAYING them. That’s the impulse that drives the industry, not cel-shading, not seeing how many pixels your machine can squeeze into a micron, not which system can render the best water effects: gameplay. No company should mess with gameplay just to come up with something new, they should do so ONLY to make something better. You yourself said that Def Jam, at least in terms of gameplay, is in some ways better and in every way more complete than Ultimate Muscle. Hearing that, and comparing it to your almost primal defense of the game’s merits, it sounds to me that you’re just enamored with UM’s novelty. What I don’t understand is why in the name of god would anyone settle for anything that they know is substandard? Oh, that’s right! You’re one of those “needless innovation” drones, shelling out buckets of cash for whatever latest “improvement” a series can conjure up, even if the innovation damages the quality of the product! So play your Ultimate Muscle or Mortal Kombat: Deadly Boredom or whatever other flash-in-the-pan-game the companies con you with next. I’ll be over here, playing games with substance and not thinking twice about their publication date.

 

Of COURSE you can start clauses with a capital letter or end them with a “full stop” (way to quote that grade school textbook, by the way…the rest of the universe calls it a fucking period). Ever heard of something called an independent clause? Look it up; you’ll learn something. Sentences are independent clauses, for Christ’s sake. The “clause” you’re referencing isn’t just one sentence, it’s two, both of which are properly punctuated and set off from the surrounding material by parentheses. Tell me, have you even heard of a fucking sentence? If not, don’t fret; your remedial English teacher probably just hasn’t gotten to that chapter yet.

 

Oh, and thanks for dragging Scott Keith, Jerry Lawler, your third-grade understanding of semantics, and anything else that has nothing to do with our topic into this discussion, Chief. It really shows that you have nothing to back up your “points” other than an unwillingness to admit that you’re an over-reactive asshole. So continue to reach for any two-bit, hack reference you can make; it makes my side of things even easier than it already is.

 

And in case you’re curious, I was trying to be nice to you at the end of my last message, to bury the hatchet so to speak. I was willing to agree to disagree, but suddenly you underwent a miraculous transformation into an enormous prick. The puppy thing was supposed to be a fucking joke, a parting “ha ha” between people with opposing ideas, because you obviously had no desire and / or ability to continue this discourse in an intelligent, coherent manner. So instead of continuing to discuss this like adults, you resort to gross redundancy, childish name calling, and almost comically irrelevant exemplification to “prove” your point. Personally, I don’t have any more hours of my life to waste on you, junior. I’m sorry that you enjoy meaningless flash instead of solid, satisfying gameplay. I’m sorry that you’re not secure enough in your work or your critical judgment to allow people in your immediate vicinity to have opinions that differ from yours. I’m sorry your first response when challenged is to curl up into a ball and start name-calling. If you keep that up, your head will explode by the time you’re thirty. Have fun living in your lightless pit of self-importance and dismal, frustrated aggression. I’ll mail you a post card from the surface world.

 

Now get out of my hair, kid. You bother me.

[Guest Kotzenjunge]

I'm sure your intent was good and noble and all, but no matter how powerful your flames, the fact remains that you typed all this out because of a dispute over video games. I mean, Jesus man, you're about to trump Bob in the dweeb department here. Oh, and don't bother typing out an intelligent response, because I know that the way to shut that down is by just becoming more and more obstinant, and maybe throwing out a few homosexual insults as well.

 

However, I would like to comment on how nice Lumberton is. Had to go there in order to visit larger department stores and a movie theater when I'd visit my mother in Bennettsville, SC for a couple of summers. Didn't know there was a college there, but then again I was only 9 and 10 those two years.

[Guest kkktookmybabyaway]

Damn, I stopped reading this midway through the first 'graph.

 

You gots to chill...

[Guest Agent of Oblivion]

KOTZ IS A FAGG THAT FUKS HIS NIMTENDOS BUTHOL

[Guest Kotzenjunge]

AM NOT PUUPHED!!!

[Guest Agent of Oblivion]

HE TRYED TO PLA KYLIE MINOGE ADVNTURES ON HIS NIMTENDO AND GOT HORNY AND FUKED ITS CONToLLER SLOT AND BREAK IT

[Guest Kotzenjunge]

(DIES laughing)

 

That was gold, AoO. Pure gold.

 

YEAH WELL U STUK UR DIK IN A ACID BAFF CEEDEE AN BROK IT INNA LIL PEECES AND CRYED LIK A BABI

[Guest Agent of Oblivion]

that I did.

 

Man, this got old faster than when what's his name drank from the wrong grail in Indiana Jones and the Last Crusade.

[Guest Kotzenjunge]

NO! HAVING TO PLAY THAT LEVEL OVER AND OVER AGAIN IN (insert game here) GOT OLDER!!!!

 

(proceeds to write up long-winded response in case anyone questioned his position at the top of Mount Nerd)

[Guest Agent of Oblivion]

Ahem, let me present my credentials...

 

I have spent somewhere in the neighborhood of 1000 hours of my life playing the Final Fantasy RPG series.

 

I listen to death metal and smoke pot.

 

Closet Dungeons and Dragons nerd for 4 years.

 

I own TWO copies of the Lord of The Rings trilogy.

 

I was so bored last saturday that I sat at home and shaved my pubic hair. It's wonderful.

 

There's more, but that's all that will fit on the resume.

[Guest Kotzenjunge]

See, the death metal, as well as concert stories I've heard from you, pretty much balance out anything nerdy about you, because those add a scary element to your persona.

 

I'm lame, not a nerd though. I think I have enough positive qualities to balance out anything potentially nerdy about myself, of which my oftentime X-Box playing is the only thing I can name at the moment. Even then, I've been playing sports and racing games, which aren't really nerdy games, especially when I can tell you about how the elements in both games actually perform in real life. Can you tell me how your RPG characters are in real life?

 

Therein lies the difference, my young apprentice.

[Guest Agent of Oblivion]

RPG characters..I'm breaking Closet nerd protocol, but here you are.

 

My top character is a 40th level druid with a vast array of spells and protective items. I don't know if Armor Class means anything to you, but his AC is over 100 after all magical effects are in place.

 

Then I've got a 36th level artifact-wielding Fighter/Paladin/Weapon Master who can deal several hundred points of damage on an excellent attack round.

 

I also have a 22nd level bard/psion who I haven't played in ages, and a 20th level barbarian that's pretty fun to play.

 

Yeah, that's right. I play DnD, watch wrestling, and have no pubes. Tremble before me, motherfuckers.

[Guest DVD Spree]

Happy Valentines, sugar

[Guest MaskedDanger]

*Gives DVD a kiss on the cheek and smack on the ass*

 

Same to you, babydoll. Happy trails.

 

Oh, and to everyone else, sorry about any seeming overreaction on my part. I just got hit on a bad day. Oh well, bygones and all that. Now, let it all be about the love.

[Your Paragon of Virtue 0]

I Just stumbled across this to realize you're a reviewer at MOTHERFUCKING Pitchfork! What was your name and all that shit, as I'd be curious to read some of your stuff..

[Guest Eyeball Kid]

I Just stumbled across this to realize you're a reviewer at MOTHERFUCKING Pitchfork! What was your name and all that shit, as I'd be curious to read some of your stuff..

What he said.

[Guest Kinetic]

I hope it's not Brent DiCrescenzo.

[Guest Eyeball Kid]

Maybe it's Ryan Schreiber. He can completely ignore the album at hand and go on one of his self-righteous "I am the protector of all things indie" rants again.

[Guest evenflowDDT]

You can get PAID to write online reviews? Whoa. Nice tirade by the way... easily the best elitist flame ever (though also the most lengthy). Trumps Jubuki like a... whatever else trumps.

[Guest Eyeball Kid]

I was shocked when I learned Pitchfork writers get paid. Does Schreiber actually make a living off of that site?

[Guest Flyboy]

All this arguement over a video game.

 

So childish.

[Guest Kinetic]

Have you not noticed that the site is swarming with ads, Inc? It wasn't like that way back in the day of the light blue background and the paragraph long reviews, let me tell you. I wasn't previously aware that the writers got paid, but I did know that they get free CDs...which is sort of like getting paid anyway, when you think about it.

[Guest Eyeball Kid]

Have you not noticed that the site is swarming with ads, Inc? It wasn't like that way back in the day of the light blue background and the paragraph long reviews, let me tell you. I wasn't previously aware that the writers got paid, but I did know that they get free CDs...which is sort of like getting paid anyway, when you think about it.

They get paid ten bucks a review, regardless if it's printed (sometimes it ain't). I learned that from the Pitchfork board, straight from the writers themselves (Chris Ott, Brad Heywood, Schreiber himself, etc.).

[Guest Kinetic]

That's not bad. Better than the whole lotta nothing that cheap bastard Dames gives his writers.

[Guest Eyeball Kid]

Plus, you gotta provide your own shit to review. Were I hired at Pitchfork, I would've pumped out reviews as often as they wanted them.

[Your Paragon of Virtue 0]

The main beef I have with the site is that guys like Schreiber often tend to look too much into the lyrics of an album, rather than talk about the actual music and production. Sometimes he'll give a CD a crappy rating because of it, and devote like most of the column to pointing that out. Read the Smashing Pumpkins, Mellon Collie review. He even said that the music is fantastic, basically. It's weird.

 

The free CDs thing is pretty cool, since they supposedly get them all the time.

 

Most annoying was the Tool review. I didn't know why they gave Lateralus less than 1 when I clicked it, after reading a review about some thirteen year old kid who likes to make theories about math, I still didn't get it.

[Guest Eyeball Kid]

Chris Ott and William Bowers are the only ones that I feel write consistently quality material. When Schreiber focuses on the actual record, he's good, but far too often he goes on one of his indie bullshit rants; he spent half of his piece on Yo La Tengo's And Then Nothing Turned Itself Inside-out talking about the kind of people who'd buy the album. And it was a positive review! Who gives a fuck who buys the goddamn thing as long as people do?

 

There's also the guy who spent half of his review of the Flaming Lips' The Soft Bulletin talking about the shitty day he had, but I believe he hasn't written for the site in a long time, so whatever.

[Your Paragon of Virtue 0]

Yeah, sometimes what they say makes no sense, as it's not related to the record, and I feel that they are biased as far as lyrics go, as in if they can't relate to it, no one *should*, lest you be an idiot. Although with Dashboard and JEW, they have a point I must admit. That review of Bleed American is one of the funniest I think. I didn't get the April Fools one with Jars of Clay, but I laughed out loud for the Kylie Minogue one...

[Guest Kotzenjunge]

Whoa whoa whoa.... what Kylie one?

 

(doesn't go to this site but this talk can't be good)

[Guest Kinetic]

They pretended to have sold out to The Man on April Fool's Day last year. There were reviews of Kylie Minogue and Alanis Morrisette albums on the main page. I was shocked until I looked at the calendar.