your WWE SMACKDOWN WORKRATE REPORT- 2/13/2003!

[Guest DEAN RASMUSSEN]

I`m back! Unloved by all, no one invited me to the movies this week. Alone, I weep bitter tears and write a Smackdown Workrate Report for you- the beloved and kissable reader. So LAY ON, MCSMACKDOWN! and let loose the dogs of war!

 

WHAT WORKED-

 

- Charlie Haas vs Edge starts on the mat and then it goes armdraggy. Heyman is ringside and it still feels like he is trying to scout and sign Edge- as opposed to him being some part of TEAM ANGLE. Kurt has the completely balls out velour work-out suit. Haas cheats to kill time before Edge goes on offense and the cringing kicks in- though I write this and Edge makes with the really nice Vertical Suplex. Edge hits highly edited punches to lead to bodydrops and assorted rollups. Edge hits the hated one man flapjack and I squint my eyes and fight back my hatred for the move. Heyman takes a spear off the apron and Haas gets the roll-up win and the Push keeps going.

 

- Baron Von Raschke fingers the rim of his brandy snifter as he sits in his captains chair overlooking a bank of flashing computers. Mildred, his wife, enters the room. ``Jim, why are you wearing that monocle? and why are you wearing that wig? What the hell...``

 

``Vere is no more of zis so-called `Jim Raschke`. That man is dead.``

 

`` Jim, what on earth is wrong with you?``

 

``Mildred, I love you... I loved you more than Jim ever did or COULD. So many years I had to wait and wait.... HOOPING for some vay to RETURN! He touched you vith mein hands... kist you vith mein lips. Those days are over. NOW ZAY ARE MEIN HANDS! ZESE ARE MEIN LIPS! Your pitiful life as a Lutheran volunteer iz over, my only love. Ze Baron vill give you EVERYTHING that you deserve. Ze Baron will treat you like ZAT IDIOT Jim NEVAH COULD! You, my only love... you, my tender precious flower.... You will sit by side in your angelic queenly majesty. AND HAND IN HAND, you and I VILL RULE VE VURLD!``

 

``Oh my GOD, Jim! You`ve lost your mind!``

 

``Darlink, you vill go upstairs now. Ze Baron must finish his plans.`` Mildred quietly leaves the man she has loved dearly for 43 years. She is shaken but she stoically gathers herself and quietly places a call to the Minnesota health and human services department.

 

The Baron wig glows and writhes like Medusa`s snakes. And pinkish red energy wells up in the former Jim Raschke`s eyes. ``Al Vilson... do not sink zat I do not know you are coming my vay. Also know zat I vill have many surprises for you. Vat do you know about love, Al Vilson? Vat do you know about anysing?``

 

The Baron sleeps...

 

2 B CONTINUED, MOTHERFUCKERZ.

 

- Allright! They found something to do with my boy, Chuck Palumbo. My wife is Italian and she could send some her boys from Milan after these guys and beat them into a fine Northern Italian white sauce. Johnny The Bull was who? I`m trying to sort them out. Which one pinned Misawa in the All Japan battle royal that time?

 

- Matt hits Rey Rey with Mattitude. He is wearing the rubber suit that looks less rubber than the comical pants that Rey Rey is wearing. Rey is fun being all high-flying and death-eating. Shannon cheats like a good MFer will to allow Matt to torture the lil fella. Tazz makes jokes about wearing rubbers and most of the 37 year old virgins who watch at home begin sobbing into their Boba Fet handtowels. Matt takes the shoulder bump to set up the first hot nearfall. Tazz calls Rey ``triple tough`` after the first Matt nearfall and I thought that it would mean that Rey is jobbing for a while- but Matt starts selling the effects of the rubber suit and Rey hits the MOR-TAL! and Hurricanrana for the pin. Matt explains the loss because of dehydration. He then talks shit about that boring useless sack of crap Billy Kidman.

 

- Benoit vs A-Train signals the end of the A-Train push, I guess. A-Train no-sells early and gets in some offense that Benoit leans into because he is motherfucking Benoit. Benoit keeps teasing the Crossface between selling way to much of A-Train`s power moves. Benoit makes the big comeback with the Triple Locomotion German Suplex but misses with the Diving Headbutt. A-Train a super Sub-Dale Torborg front kick that three edits can`t save and goes for a chokeslam that Benoit turns into a Crippler Crossface for the tap. This was a little too much selling by Benoit for a guy who is so not over as A-Train, but he finished strong and refused to break the hold which made up for him putting over A-Train so big the majority of the match. Benoit fucking motherfucking fucking rules. He 1983 Ric Flair-level rules.

 

- Shelton Benjamin is the worker of TEAM ANGLE and he is wrestling Eddy Guerrerro so imagine my delight. Eddy does the cool ass not breaking of the head scissors that Shelton turns into an Eeeeelectric Chair and then they go into a heat spot. The crowd still doesn`t see Eddy as a face but that doesn`t stop him from hitting a fucking GREAT belly-to-belly. Eddy with the Sunset Flip Powerbomb out of the corner and he hits a Frogsplash off the top to Haas on the floor to set up a nice leg lariat by Benjamin for the pin. Fuck yeah, let`s get these kids over so they don`t wither when Curt Angle turns face.

 

- Cena gets in the big heat and gets the big assbeating. Lesnar is awesome with the studied flurry of powermoves and Cena sells it well until he can come back. Cena goes all Memphis with the chain for two and Lesnar Vaders a few suplexes and sells the submission like a professional wrestler. Cena is fun with the keylock Spot but with the rear naked choke. Then it goes into a Sleeper face spot that morphs into an Oklahoma Stampede spot. Cena with a nice lariat and some offense until Brock cuts him off and kills him with BEAUTIFUL released suplexes. An exposed turnbuckle leads to the F-5 and we have 12 minutes left. Brock is on the stick and I`m scared that Brock Lesnar will talk for 12 minutes. OH WAIT! The Lesnar F-5 to the ringpost on Cena. Angle is incensed as we go to commercial and he`s heading to the ring. Angle`s velour workout suit wins the staredown. The sinus infection keeps Angle from wrestling and I laugh uncontrollably. Lesnar excepts a challenge for next week and Kurt Angle says to all the boys in the back ``NO ONE OUTBUMPS ANGLE! NO ONE! EVER!`` as he takes a chestfull of stairs and released German on the floor. Brock kills TEAM ANGLE and next week is set up.

 

WHAT DIDN`T WORK-

- Spanky is now mixed up with the likes of Sean O`Haire and Bill Demott. Jesus. Talk about having to carry a double-full thunderbucket of reeking shit.

 

- Oh Jesus. Nathan Jones is gonna be ON SMACKDOWN EXCLUSIVELY! I figured they`d wait until next year`s comical attempt at a cruiserweight division and use Jones to kill it next year like Bill Demott killed it this year. Oh well. There will always be Giant Singh or Bob Sapp next year so buck up, little camper.

 

- God, Stephanie McMahon is looking more like Jeff Gaylord every week. She does announce a 6 man that would work. The SEGMENT itself didn`t work. Lesnar/Angle/ Edge vs TEAM ANGLE is gonna fucking rule. That`s right, motherfucker..... JEFF GAYLORD. Jeff Gaylord, ladies and gentlemen. Stephanie McMahon is starting to look like Global Wrestling federation midcarder... Jeff Gaylord. That`s right.... Jeff Gaylord. Jeff. Gaylord.

 

- Heyman`s face of delight when UT enters on his motorcycle and the fact that Kanyon sings some Culture Club doesn`t make up for the Crying Game-esque revelation that Kanyon was going to get fed to the lumbering, baby-toothed Undertaker. The chairshots were actual chairshots. There. I said it.

 

- Krusty the Clown ghostwrites the Funaki segment. HAHAHAHA! He said ``rice``! Oh you wacky wrasslin` promotion! WWE, please insert my shlong into your suckhole until I impregnate your uvula.

 

- Torrie Wilson without the Mack Al Wilson and Dawn Marie without the Mack Al Wilson is so not good. Actually, they did some wrestling and ripped each others clothes off. Cole and Tazz talk about jacking off to Cole`s ``Girls Gone Wild`` videos and it`s soooooo creepy that I love it as much as I love this match- they do roll-ups into pulling each others pants down. That`s fucking so grotesquely fucked up and weird- like they are using all their knowledge on working a match with attempts to show the world their asses and titties. Dawn Marie hits a fun lariat off the second rope. Nidia runs in and can`t rip off Torrie`s pants but she is a HOUSE OF FIRE as she rips off Nidia`s pants and suddenly I feel a twinge. A twinge in my funny parts. A twinge about the big ole BUTT of Nidia. I actually fucking loved this, but I`m contractually obligated to put this in the What Didn`t Work column. I swear. WOO-HOO! Lookit all the butts! Okay. I`m kidding. This sucked. Except the part about Nidia`s big ole BUTT.

 

THERE YOU HAVE IT.

 

DEAN RASMUSSEN.

[Guest JMTapes]

Heh, wasn't Jeff Gaylord the "Black Knight?"

[Guest RavishingRickRudo]

Big Vito was the one who 'beat' Misawa.

 

Who does Steph look like again? I didn't quite catch it the first time? Jim Grimsby?

 

I am now getting a brandy snifter. Yep. I am.

[Guest DEAN RASMUSSEN]

Big Vito was the one who 'beat' Misawa.

 

Who does Steph look like again? I didn't quite catch it the first time? Jim Grimsby?

 

I am now getting a brandy snifter. Yep. I am.

Gaylord. Jeff Gaylord. Yep, Jeff Gaylord. It was Jeff Gaylord. Gaylord.

 

DEAN.

[Guest SP-1]

Dean, your workrate reports are better than the show itself, sir.

[Guest RavishingRickRudo]

Ah Jell Gayford. Good guy. It almost sounded like you said Gaylord. But that's impossible, no one would have that silly last name.

[Guest DEAN RASMUSSEN]

It's like Gaylord Perry, the master of the Spitball. Jeff Gaylord. Jeff Gaylord was beaten up by Madusa Macelli because he jumped Eddie Gilbert from behind once. Madusa was Eddie's girlfriend at the time. She found Gaylord and kicked the shit out of him. Jeff Gaylord. Gaylord.

 

DEAN.

[Guest RavishingRickRudo]

Oh, JEFF GAYLORD! Why didn't you say so in the first place?

 

I am so buying a monocle.

[Guest deadbeater]

Sure it wasn't Gaylord, Broom Hilda's intelligent vulture?

[EL DANDY~! 0]

For a second, I was thinking you might have said TOLBORG...oh fuck...you did. DEAN, why would you go and make Albert look good with the usage of the Tolborg like kicks? My 3 legged dog kicks better than Tolborg. Oh, and Matt Hardy on the mike FUCKING RAWKS.

[Guest DEAN RASMUSSEN]

I thought you said "TUBORG"- like the Danish beer, which has no real kick, but has a better kick than A-Train and Dale Torborg.

 

DEAN.

[Guest CED Ordonez]

But who, mind you, who dropkicks better than Erik Watts?

[EL DANDY~! 0]

*checks his records*

 

Ced, the answer to your question is...EVERYONE.

[Guest Lord of The Curry]

Hey DEAN, have you ever tried Grasshopper Wheat Ale? It's brewed here in Canda (Calgary) and I highly recommend the stuff. Not too strong, clean finish, no aftertaste. I'm having one right now in fact.

 

Oh yeah, and good report as always.

[Guest Nater]

Heyman owned Undertaker by reminding him not to let things hang out of his pocket when riding his bike down Castro.

[Guest Brian]

Clean finish? That's some good booking.

[Guest DEAN RASMUSSEN]

Hey DEAN, have you ever tried Grasshopper Wheat Ale? It's brewed here in Canda (Calgary) and I highly recommend the stuff. Not too strong, clean finish, no aftertaste. I'm having one right now in fact.

 

Oh yeah, and good report as always.

I don't think I've had that one. But then again, by the third or fourth hour into my bi-annual Canadian drunkfest become a big blur of beer tasting. There were some Calgary microbrews that I really liked and could not remember the names of to save my soul the next day.

 

DEAN.

[Guest Goodear]

Charlie Haas vs Edge

 

Haas just freaking sucks with his slow ass pointless mat work and his inabilty to move any faster than a jog at any time. At least Edge does his bad wrestling quickly so it doesn't make me suffer watching him work. A roll up finish on a face is just lousy ... especially when Haas doesn't even pull the tights.

 

Allright! They found something to do with my boy, Chuck Palumbo.

 

Palumbo is good but he wears a pretty silly ass hat the poor guy although beating Rikishi up is fun. Here is the key to the Italian Worker Guys

 

Nunzio = Shooter Guy

Vito = Bald Guy

Tony Mamaluke = Bumping Guy

Palumbo = He's Italian? Guy

Sal E. Graziano = Fat Guy

JT Smith = Black Guy

Tommy Rich = Drunk Guy

Johnny The Bull = The Other Guy

 

Matt hits Rey Rey with Mattitude

 

The trip was kind of fun but the finish blew chunks. "I'm fine, I'm fine, I'm fine... I COLLAPSE FROM EXHAUSTION ..." What a load of stupid. And Matt couldn't have an exciting match with Rey Mysterio for pete's sake. That's not a good sign that the thing with Billy will be anymore than a snoozer.

 

Benoit vs A-Train signals the end of the A-Train push

 

A-Train is only pushed against Rey Mysterio, it's weird. A-Train wasn't bad in this puppy although the clubber session could have been a little better and the Vaderbomb could have used a bit more pumps before the drop. I really dug the Gory Special thingee that A-Train broke out, that was cool. Benoit was about as pedestrian as he gets on offense although Cole bringing up the pyschology was squeeky neat.

 

Shelton Benjamin is the worker of TEAM ANGLE and he is wrestling Eddy Guerrerro so imagine my delight.

 

Eddie needs to learn that him being a face needs to be exactly the same way he worked as a heel ... just with more playing to the crowd. Shelton is Shelton and even Eddie can't make him look super terrific good. Team Angle needs the severe seasoning.

 

Cena vs Brock

 

Brock needs to put the belly-to-belly down a little bit as its getting used a little too much now all up and down the roster. The choke thing into the buckle and then Cena holding onto the choke anyway was the neatest thing of the day in my opinion but I think the finish was meh.

 

- Spanky is now mixed up with the likes of Sean O`Haire and Bill Demott. Jesus. Talk about having to carry a double-full thunderbucket of reeking shit.

 

Spanky isn't that good anyway... who cares?

[Guest ShooterJay]

Spanky isn't that good anyway... who cares?

Spanky=greatness.

 

I care.

[Guest Brian]

Spanky's really good. I care.

[Guest DEAN RASMUSSEN]

Charlie Haas vs Edge

 

Haas just freaking sucks with his slow ass pointless mat work and his inabilty to move any faster than a jog at any time. At least Edge does his bad wrestling quickly so it doesn't make me suffer watching him work. A roll up finish on a face is just lousy ... especially when Haas doesn't even pull the tights.

 

Allright! They found something to do with my boy, Chuck Palumbo.

 

Palumbo is good but he wears a pretty silly ass hat the poor guy although beating Rikishi up is fun. Here is the key to the Italian Worker Guys

 

Nunzio = Shooter Guy

Vito = Bald Guy

Tony Mamaluke = Bumping Guy

Palumbo = He's Italian? Guy

Sal E. Graziano = Fat Guy

JT Smith = Black Guy

Tommy Rich = Drunk Guy

Johnny The Bull = The Other Guy

 

Matt hits Rey Rey with Mattitude

 

The trip was kind of fun but the finish blew chunks. "I'm fine, I'm fine, I'm fine... I COLLAPSE FROM EXHAUSTION ..." What a load of stupid. And Matt couldn't have an exciting match with Rey Mysterio for pete's sake. That's not a good sign that the thing with Billy will be anymore than a snoozer.

 

Benoit vs A-Train signals the end of the A-Train push

 

A-Train is only pushed against Rey Mysterio, it's weird. A-Train wasn't bad in this puppy although the clubber session could have been a little better and the Vaderbomb could have used a bit more pumps before the drop. I really dug the Gory Special thingee that A-Train broke out, that was cool. Benoit was about as pedestrian as he gets on offense although Cole bringing up the pyschology was squeeky neat.

 

Shelton Benjamin is the worker of TEAM ANGLE and he is wrestling Eddy Guerrerro so imagine my delight.

 

Eddie needs to learn that him being a face needs to be exactly the same way he worked as a heel ... just with more playing to the crowd. Shelton is Shelton and even Eddie can't make him look super terrific good. Team Angle needs the severe seasoning.

 

Cena vs Brock

 

Brock needs to put the belly-to-belly down a little bit as its getting used a little too much now all up and down the roster. The choke thing into the buckle and then Cena holding onto the choke anyway was the neatest thing of the day in my opinion but I think the finish was meh.

 

- Spanky is now mixed up with the likes of Sean O`Haire and Bill Demott. Jesus. Talk about having to carry a double-full thunderbucket of reeking shit.

 

Spanky isn't that good anyway... who cares?

Ah, Goodear.... nice to see you are mellowing.

 

DEAN.

[Guest Goodear]

I'm a negative person ... some hold me

[Guest DEAN RASMUSSEN]

I'm a negative person ... some hold me

Mad phat cyber-hugz to Goodear to bring out the positivity!

 

DEAN.

[EL DANDY~! 0]

Goodear...DEAN...would you two like to be alone in a totally non-homoerotic fashion?

[Guest Goodear]

In a nonhomoerotic fashion? Phh... whats the point of that?

[EL DANDY~! 0]

That doesn't mean you can't let the homoeroticness BLOSSOM...all it needs is time...and love...

[Guest Smell the ratings!!!]

Tazz makes jokes about wearing rubbers and most of the 37 year old virgins who watch at home begin sobbing into their Boba Fet handtowels.

 

EDIT: "Most"? Dean was your Chewy hankie in the wash or something?

 

Don't let gender roles tell you how to live boys. Dean will bring the positivity to all.

[Guest DEAN RASMUSSEN]

Tazz makes jokes about wearing rubbers and most of the 37 year old virgins who watch at home begin sobbing into their Boba Fet handtowels.

 

EDIT: "Most"? Dean was your Chewy hankie in the wash or something?

 

Don't let gender roles tell you how to live boys. Dean will bring the positivity to all.

I usually masturbate into my commemorative Lando Calrissian foam finger. AND CAN TWO MEN LOVE EACH OTHER AS MEN WITHOUT EVERYONE GETTING ALL WEIRD ABOUT IT?!? Geez....

 

DEAN.

[Guest Rob Edwards]

Whats wrong with Sean O'Haire at this point oh great one? He's hardly had a chance to show what he can do workrate wise anywhere yet and he has one hell of a gimmick

[Guest DEAN RASMUSSEN]

I was being unfair and turning on him early.

 

DEAN.