The Collected Works of Metal Ed

[Guest Kinetic]

Finally compiled in one thread, I present to you the complete works of Edward Bonham III, a.k.a. Metal Ed.

 

 

Metal Ed on what he's listening to right now

 

i. Dokken- "Unchain the Night"

 

I found this in my dad's cassette collection the other day. He can't listen to nothing since the industrial accident, so I figured it's as good as mine. It got me to bangin' my head pretty good. The Rock Box didn't eat it up or nothing, like that time when I tried to play a Candlebox tape on it, so I figure I'll keep listening to it until Matt brings my SKid Row tapes back.

 

ii. Skid Row-Slave to the Grind

 

Matt finally came back over and gave 'em to me. Metal Ed's gonna smoke some hash, take two Advil, and get to bangin' my head in just a second. I gotta wash my Trans Am sometime today, too, though. Better try to stay conscious.

 

iii. Quiet Riot- "Cum On Feel The Noize"

 

I gave myself a migrayne bangin' my head to this, dude. Let Metal Ed give you a little metal ed.: Ain't nothin harder or heavier than Quiet Riot, man. These are some bitchin' dudes.

 

iiii. I been listening to Stryper a bunch today. Mostly "Loud N Clear." These guys are Christian or something but I still think they're pretty bitchin. Got me to bangin' my head and all.

 

 

Metal Ed on Metallica touring with Limp Bizkit and Linkin Park

 

Damn, dude. This is a sad day for metal heads everywhere, far as I'm concerned. I was already all upset and shit on account of that spaceship blowin up without no good footage of flamin corpses and shit. Now I hear this. But, shit, if we could get Lincoln Park and Limp Biscuit interested in space exploration, that'd be bitchin. Like killin two nerds with one stone.

 

Metal Ed on accidentally listening to Barry Manilow

 

It wasn't what I thought it was, that's for damn sure. I guess I probly shoulda been able to tell from the cover, but I ain't really the perceptive type. I bet a lot of y'all were happy to see that, thinkin Metal Ed's done pussied out. But that ain't never gonna happen to Metal Ed. I'm gonna keep rockin the good rock until my dying day. But I did listen to Barry Manilow today on a accident. I thought it was Yngwie Malmstein's new band.

 

Metal Ed on the newly coined word "fuckass"

 

A fuckass? Man, that's some stupid shit. You're lucky you didn't go to Metal Ed's school. If I'd a called someone a fuckass, the principal woulda whooped the shit out of me for bein a geek. I saw one dude make the mistake of wearin a Alf t-shirt to school one day. I ain't got too much to say about that situation, cept the food at his funeral was pretty good.

 

Fuckass? I oughta crack yer damn skull.

 

Metal Ed to Flyboy on his 15th birthday

 

Happy birthday, dude. Bein 15 was awesome back when I was your age. That was the year when I first got some after that Cinderella concert. You oughta see if they're comin through your town, so you can take a lady to go see em. I ain't met the chick yet who can say no to ya after havin her heart melted by Cinderella. An hour of that'll loosen them britches up real nice.

 

Metal Ed on hair bands

 

Hell yeah, dude! Now we're talkin about some REAL music. Poison and Whitesnake are bitchin, but I ain't never had no time for Bon Jovi. Buncha pussies, in my opinion. It's pretty inspirational and shit to think that that Richie Sombrero dude came to America from Guatemala without nothin and ended up bein all rich and shit, marryin Heather Locklear. But I still think he's a pussy, dude. His hair never even looked all that great. Probly my favorite band from all them was Skid Row, though. They weren't no hair band or no shit, really, but they kicked some serious ass! Ain't no pop bullshit on Slave to the Grind. I'll put on "Monkey Business" and get to bangin my head real good, even to this day. I might could sue Sebastian Bach for brain damage, I done banged my head to that shit so many times. It's fuckin bitchin, man.

 

Metal Ed on monagomy

 

Man, I had this one chick goin all around Wausau tellin people that she was Metal Ed's girlfriend. She told all these broads that she worked with and shit, so I couldn't even do none of these chicks on account of them thinkin that I was involved with that other girl. And, sure, I guess I knocked her up. But so what, man? Metal Ed needs some variety. Eddie Van Halen don't play his guitar in the same arena every night, you know? I can't be tied down to no chick, no matter what. Doin 'em is my gift to the world.

 

Metal Ed to Yuna Firerose

 

Since we gots all this freaky internet love stuff goin on here, I gotta admit that this Yuna Firehose chick is turnin me on. How you doin, girl? My name's Metal Ed. You like Trixter?

 

Metal Ed on his most shameful life experience

 

I once banged this chick, Bobbi Jo, right? She was runnin at about 245-250, so I was cool with takin her out and showin her off to my friends and shit. Some of these chicks, I ain't too keen on lettin my buddies know that I'm doin 'em. I'll tell 'em that she's my cousin and I'm takin her to the hospital on account of her diabetes. I got, like, 20 hefty diabetic cousins, as far as they know. Anyway, Bobbi Jo wasn't like that. I was real proud to show her off. We done it a buncha times and I thought she was diggin it. It wasn't like no bedpost-shakin "Oh, Metal Ed! Oh, Metal Ed!" shit, but she seemed pretty responsive when I was layin it in. But one day, I was walkin through Wal-Mart, lookin for her on account of her workin there, and I'm seein all these Wal-Mart employees laughin at me and shit. I'm gettin pissed off, you know? I'm fixin to crack some skulls right there in the produce section when this big ol' dude with tattoos and shit grabs me by the shirt and says, "You Metal Ed?" I'm, like, "Yeah. What's it to ya?" He starts tellin me how Bobbi Jo is his woman and how she don't wanna see me no more. I didn't never see it comin, man. So I come to find out that Bobbi Jo had been tellin all these bitches at Wal-Mart about me bein no good in bed and, once her boyfriend got out of prison, she dumped me. So now I'm pissed as hell. I'm thinkin I'm gonna go over to the trailer park with my crowbar and crack some damn skulls. Ain't no one talk shit about my fuckin and get away with it, y'know? So I go over there and start breakin shit in her yard...like toys and shit. I tried to throw a tricycle but that bitch was heavy. Anyway, her boyfriend comes out and proceeds to whale on me. I mean, I couldn't do shit about it. He beat my ass. I ran outta there like a scalded dog. Everybody round Wassau was talkin about Metal Ed gettin his ass whooped and how I gone soft and shit. I had to bust up Mayor Cardot just to protect my reputation. That was some shameful shit.

 

Metal Ed on facials

 

One of the best things about doin fat chicks is they don't care where you cum. I usually don't give a damn and I'll just do it where ever I happen to be at the time. Cuz, like, I'm already gettin off, ya know? I don't see why I'm gonna mess up some girl's hair just so I can feel like a porn dude. But I've done it a few times and they usually give me the cold shoulder and shit after that. But come the next weekend, there still all tryin to call me and see what I'm doin and shit. They ain't lettin a lovin man like Metal Ed get away. That's why I know I can bust a nut anywhere I want on em. They just keep comin back for more.

 

Metal Ed on how often he gets laid

 

Constantly. In fact, I'm having sex as I type this.

 

Metal Ed on having sex more than once a night

 

i. I can usually get goin again after ten minutes if I got something bitchin' on the stereo and some Mad Dog in the fridge. Otherwise, Metal Ed's pretty much a once a night type of dude. Especially with some of these big chicks, since there's a lot of planning and leverage stuff to think about before ya fuck 'em. Makes my head hurt and shit.

 

ii. I explained my sitiation to you already. When I'm doin these chicks who weigh, like, 250-275, I'm just tryin to get my business done. I ain't tryin to be the #1 Loverman in Wausau or nothin, since most of these chicks ain't never gonna get no better than Metal Ed anyways. And, shit...the way I go, any more than once and someone's liable to call the police. Mostly cuz I need to have somethin' bitchin on the stereo to get in the right mindset and my neighbors are a buncha punk ass bitches who can't take no skull-crackin' metal shit.

 

I just figure you shouldn't be commentin on my stamina 'til you've spent a night with Metal Ed.

 

Metal Ed to Texas Small Arms after she refused his advances

 

Come on, sweetie. You know you wanna see what Metal Ed's hiding under these stonewashed jeans. Still, gettin' smaller chicks to do it with me is easier said than done. Up here in Wausau, most of the chicks at Wal-Mart and Burger King, which is where I pick up most of my girls, are all pretty much fat. I once did it with a girl who was about 185. That wasn't too bad. I didn't havta worry about no goddamn folds or nothin. Ain't happened since then. I like doin the big chicks since they ain't real particular about how I look when I come to bed. Like if I'm drunk or covered in mud or whatever. They ain't got nowhere else to be.

 

to be continued...

[Guest EL BRUJ0]

Metal Ed is ghey.

[Guest Kinetic]

Metal Ed on bad concerts

 

This is like one of them quandries and I been in a situation like this before. Few years back, my buddy Matt won some tickets to see Better than Ezra up here in Wausau and he wanted me to go with him. I was all like, "Shit, dude, I ain't goin to see none of that sissy pop crap." I started doin some soft air strummin, like a pussy, singin "It was good...a-living with you. Wa-ah!" He told me to go fuck myself and I ended up havin to crack his skull. Matt got the last laugh, though, since he ended up hookin up with this real hot drunk chick at the show and banged her in his mom's station wagon. I seen her around town a couple times and...damn. Just...damn. She ain't even big or nothin. So I figger you oughta go to this concert, even if it is sissy bullshit. Concerts always got chicks at 'em.

 

Metal Ed on attempted girlfriend stealing

 

I'd crack his damn skull, first of all. I can't respect no dude who tries to steal another man's woman. Unless he just wants to do her. I can see the allure in that. But I figger if he's tryin to steal her from me for good, I'd definitely have to take a tire iron to the side of his head. I'd probly tie him up to some railroad tracks after that and laugh maniacally as I curl my mustache. That'd be bitchin.

 

Metal Ed on rockin' out vs. crackin' skulls

 

Rockin out is a labor of love, dude. When I put some bitchin metal shit on the Rock Box and get to bangin my head pretty good...that's what I live for, man. Crackin skulls is what I have to do when punk asses go and get their names on Metal Ed's list. I'd prefer to never crack a skull, but shit's always happenin and Metal Ed can't just sit around and let people fuck with him. I have to crack skulls. Simple as that.

 

Metal Ed on rap music

 

I ain't even gonna go so far as to call it music. Just a buncha dudes who if they ain't talkin about slicing throats and killin hos, there talkin about buyin a boat full of champagne. Don't do nothin for Metal Ed. If they was talkin about impending doom, Satan, mutilating babies, or havin a good time on Saturday night, I might reconsider.

 

Metal Ed (not Meta Ed) on Motley Crue

 

It's Metal Ed, first of all. You're edging towards my list with all this Meta Ed bullshit, dude. I ain't grippin my tire iron yet, but I got one eye on it. Believe that, man. Anyway, it's pretty well known that I'm a big fan of the Crue. Way back in the day when they wore all that black leather shit and did "Shout at the Devil" and all that...that was bitchin. Then later one when they all started wearin leopard print shirts and did "Girls, Girls, Girls"...that was bitchin, too. "Dr. Feelgood" and "Kickstart My Heart" get me to bangin my head pretty good when I put 'em up on my Rock Box. A lotta people don't care much for that shit where they wore the pig masks, but I thought it was pretty bitchin. Me and Matt went to go see 'em on the "Generation Swine" tour and they tore the fuckin house down, dude. Just goes to show that just cuz you're bloated doesn't mean you can't rock out.

 

Metal Ed on a proposed party before a Dokken/Winger show

 

Shit, man, Metal Ed'll go with ya! Where do you live at, dude? We could make a big party out of it. I'll bring a couple of big chicks and a bag of Cheetos, you can bring a keg and maybe some weed and then buy the rest of the food and the tickets. That'd be bitchin.

 

Metal Ed on the fattest girl he's ever fucked

 

As far as I remember, that was Bobbie Jo from up to the Huddle House. She can't even work there no more on account of her obesity, but that's where I met her at. I went to visit her house once she was confined to that bed and things sorta escalated from there. I put some Poison on her stereo and gave her what I got to give her. I ain't gonna lie and tell ya that Metal Ed wasn't a little intimidated by her, neither. Gettin up on her was like mountin one of them big rafts at the water park. I mean, she musta been at like 390. She wasn't too mobile in bed, neither. I pretty much try to keep 'em under 300 pounds since then. I learned my lesson.

 

Metal Ed on being trapped on a desert island with Carmen Electra and The Scorpions

 

I figger you're talkin about The Scorpions. They're pretty bitchin. I saw 'em with Cinderella once a few years back and they blew me away, man. I ain't never banged my head like that before. I ended up drivin in the wrong lane on the way home. I reckon that if I was on a desert island and had to eat one of 'em, I'd probably eat them, though. First of all, there's more of 'em. Second of all, Metal Ed ain't no fag, so Carmen Electra probly allow me to do a skinny chick once before I drowned or starved or whatever. I figger I'd probly crack all there skulls before it was said and done, though. Then I'd tread water and float back to shore, like I saw on Magnum P.I. this one time. I figger if a pussy like Tom Selleck can do it, ain't no reason Metal Ed can't tread water.

 

Metal Ed on his worst breakup story

 

I think I've told y'all about me and Wanda, that big chick from up to the Wal-Mart. I guess I could talk about it again, since I ain't a real emotional type a dude. I ain't gonna tell you I was in love with her or nothin, but she was a pretty good lay and willin to give me blowjobs in my Trans Am, so I kinda got to liking her after awhile. Plus, she didn't make me listen to no fuckin pussy country music like most of these chicks I do. Anyway, me and Wanda had been goin out for a couple of months and I was pretty much out of stuff to do with her. We'd been to the demolition derby, the monster truck rally, a couple of rasslin shows, and we went to see Boston up to the county fair (they fuckin SMOKED, dude. It was awesome). I kept takin her to do this stuff cuz I knew we'd get to do it afterward, but after a couple of months that wasn't enough. I kinda thought she was gettin too attached, too. When she put a fuckin No Doubt sticker on my Rock Box, that's when I had to draw the line. I started being kinda mean to her, not returning her calls or nothing, makin her listen to Slayer when we were fucking and all that. She started to kinda get the picture and was upset about it, so she'd call my house like ten times a day and all that shit. I finally just told her to bring her big ass over there, since she wanted to be around Metal Ed so damn much. My buddy Matt was over at the time and were just chillin...smoking weed and drinkin Mad Dog and all that, listenin to some Foghat. Wanda comes over and, like, a half hour later she's totally fucked up. Like, she woulda put my lampshade on her head if I hadn't of broken it and replaced it with a plastic bag. That's how fucked up she was. So me and Matt got to talking and decided to get her to do a threesome with us, since we'd seen one in a porno the other day. She was a little scared at first but eventually we talked her into it. It was pretty bitchin, I ain't gonna lie to you. Matt's got some of them Rob Halford tendencies, though, and that kinda put a damper on the evening cuz I had to fuck him up. I got to bust a nut and everything, though, so it wasn't too bad. After that, Wanda didn't come around too much. It sucks cuz most of these chicks around here are all loose and shit. At least most of the ones who'll get in bed with me. I ain't found a chick who could fuck as good as Wanda since then and that kinda bums me out a little bit. I guess it's like that song, "don't know what you got 'til it's gone." And I didn't.

 

Metal Ed on friendship

 

I tried to steal a girl from my buddy Matt one time. She was this big chick from up to the Waffle House and I'd had my eye on her for a while, on account of her Megadeth bumper sticker. Matt got to her first, though, and I figgered there ain't no use in tryin to break them up. Like my momma used to say, "let sleepin dogs die." But then one day I saw her wearin this little cutoff Slayer t-shirt. Her gut was kinda hangin out the bottom, but Metal Ed ain't got no problem with that. I been with bigger. Anyway, I was lookin at her in that little shirt and thinkin that I needed to get me some of that. So I waited until Matt had to go to work up to the renderin plant and I went over to the trailer park and knocked on door. It didn't take too long for Metal Ed to get her out of them clothes. That's just the type of dude that I am. After we was done, though, I started to feelin pretty guilty about what I had done. Matt and me been buddies since we was kids and I ain't the type to screw my buddy's girlfriend without sort of regretting it afterwards. So, anyway, I went out and bought a twelve pack of Pabst's and met Matt after he got off work. We had a few beers and I told him what I done. He didn't seem too upset about it, since she'd pretty much been givin it out to the whole trailer park and all the cooks at the Waffle House, too. I learned a lot talkin to Matt that night. Turns out he'd done my mom a couple times when we was in high school, right after my daddy had that industrial accident. I wasn't too happy hearin that. I didn't crack Matt's skull on account of me just havin done his girlfriend, though. That's the kinda friendship we got.

 

Metal Ed on Billy Kidman

 

Hell, I'd pay a dime to see Billy Kidman if he brought his girlfriend with him. Specially since she's experienced in the ways of the lesbian now, on account of that Dawn Marie. I don't figger I'd pay a dime to see Al Wilson, though.

 

Metal Ed: Poet?

 

A Time To Crack Skulls

by Edward Bonham III

 

When bouncy pop bullshit fills the halls

I take hold of my ball bat

It's time to crack skulls

 

When metal is appropriated by men with no sac

I lace up my boots

Their skulls, I will crack

 

Be it in the skating rinks

Be it in the malls

Where ever there are pop bitches

It's a time to crack skulls (12/21/02)

 

Metal Ed on Billboard's Top 20 Albums of 2002

 

Where's South of Heaven?

 

Metal Ed on South of Heaven

 

Man, South of Heaven defies the laws of time and space. It should top every year's list and its skull-crackin, bone-crunchin metal masterpieces should occupy every CD ever pressed, past or future. Except for other hard rockin shit, anyway. That's the way I see it. I guess that's probly why I don't write for Billboard. Well...that and my seven felony convictions.

 

Metal Ed on Kinetic

 

Homo.

 

Metal Ed on the D.C. Gathering and race relations

 

Hope y'all haven't counted Metal Ed out of all this shit yet, since it looks like my arraignment ain't gonna be until after New Years. If you got a problem with that Kotz dude, Julio, I can take him out for you. Like, a skull-crackin or a stair-pushin or whatever you want. I ain't racist neither, so I ain't got no problem with taking money from a Mexican. Long as you don't try to get me to listen to no fuckin Tejano music.

 

Metal Ed on the Dixie Chicks

 

Know what I can't stand, dude? Them fuckin Dixie Chicks bitches. I had to listen to that shit all the way back to the trailer park the other night after my mom posted bail for me. I thought my ear drums was gonna explode or some shit, ya know? I was, like, "Damn! Turn this horseshit off!" but I couldn't really do nothin on account of her getting me out of jail. I tried hummin some Sabbath to myself and everything, but it didn't do no good. I went to get a checkup on my Trans Am the day after that and the dude in the Quicky Lube office was listenin to fucking "Wide Open Spaces" and I fuckin flipped my lid and shit. I cracked that dude's skull good, man. Course, I see the airor of my ways now cuz I had to listen to the Dixie Chicks all the way back to the trailer park once my ma bailed me out again. I don't figger I'm gonna break any laws again any time soon.

 

Metal Ed on Def Leppard

 

What I don't understand is how could anyone not dig the Leppard? That fuckin guitar just goin "vrom vrom srronnnk" and the singer goin all like "you're bringin on the heartache!" and the one-armed drum dude goin all like "boom boom bum boom" and it's just fucking bitchin, man. I listen to that shit every mornin when I'm combing my hair in my Def Leppard mirror. I can't get enough of it.

 

Metal Ed to Use Your Illusion on Metal Ed and Axl Rose

 

Fuckin skull-crackin, bitch-slappin Metal Ed--the hardest rockin motherfucker in Wausau, Wisconsin. I don't know what's wrong with these other dudes, cuz I think it's pretty righteous of you to put the Leppard on this list. They're pretty bitchin. I think Axl's a pretty rockin dude, too, cept he's gotten a little pudgy lately. But, shit, Metal Ed's fucked fatter chicks than that...I ain't one to judge on looks and shit, unless someone's like dog fuckin ugly.

 

Metal Ed on Aerosmith

 

I still think Aerosmith's pretty righteous. You seen that video where Steven Tyler's got all them scarfs on his mic stand and he's, like, singin all close to the camera and then there's that hot chick and then Joe Perry plays a scorchin' solo? That's one of my favorite videos, man. Got me to bangin my head pretty good.

 

Metal Ed on death

 

I had a dog die once. I ain't comparing your niece to my dog or nothin, since there ain't nothin that compares to a human life. Your niece probly couldn't outrun a greased squirrel like Butcher could, but that ain't really the point. The point is that I loved that dog but I kinda neglected him sometimes. I once forgot to feed him for a month and whooped him with my belt when I caught him eatin my Cocoa Puffs. Another time I left him outside for a few days cuz I was tired of him shittin on my floor and I think a bear musta mauled him, cuz he wasn't never the same again. He lost a leg and everything. I accidentally ran over him in my Trans Am one night--I was probly drunk, I don't remember--and that was it for Butcher. I didn't cry when my Dad died in that industrial accident up to the packing plant, but I died when we buried Butcher in my neighbors' back yard while they were on vacation. I just felt bad about not payin no attention to him, ya know? It ain't really the same deal or anything, but I just wanted ta share a experience that I had.

 

Metal Ed on the D.C. Gathering pt. 2

 

How far is it from Wisconsin to D.C.? I figure I might could come and join y'all, since there ain't really gonna be a representative of the rockinest portion of this board. I could bring my Rock Box and some of my Nugent tapes. Get you to bangin your head pretty good, I bet. Might even make some of you sissy pop fans reconsider all that sissy pop stuff you listen to. Cuz once that opening note hits in "Cat Scratch Fever," there ain't nowhere to go but straight to Rocksville. Metal Ed is the dude to take you there. Hop on board, bitches.

 

I might have to leave the room whenever that Kinetic dude is around, though. Me and him don't mix too well.

 

Metal Ed on Kinetic impersonating him and spandex

 

I don't think he could pull it off. He might could get down my speech patterns and shit, but it takes a full-bodied dude to pull of the Metal Ed spirit. Plus, Metal Ed don't take no spandex wearin' dudes lightly. I crack their skulls. That's part of why I ain't welcome up to the Wausau Civic Center no more. The event organizer dude said it'll probly be ten years before another ballet is willing to come up here.

 

to be continued...

[Guest Banky]

I can't believe you save your own posts. Thats sad beyond words.

[Guest Kinetic]

Metal Ed in The Gnome Offensive

 

This is the first part of somethin I felt like I needed to get off my chest. It's some freaky shit, dude. Grab a blanket or somethin:

 

 

 

After that second microwave fell on my head, I knew Mr. Pearson up to the junkyard was going to fire me. The first one might could have been a freak accident, like when his pregnant secretary fell down that flight of stairs. A second microwave meant I was a insurance risk. I didn't mean to get hit by it or nothin, although I guess I mighta been tempting fate when I started kicking that big ol' tower of microwaves. I was listenin to some Sepultura, though, and gettin to bangin my head pretty good. I guess my foot was jealous and it just started kicking. I thought it was worth it once I came to in the hospital; kinda like I was sacrificing parts of my head to the Rock Gods. I didn't feel too good about it when Mr. Pearson fired me, though. I was thinkin about all the stuff I was gonna do to that son of a bitch, too. Like I was gonna slash his tires or put sugar in his gas tank before I pushed his secretary down some stairs. I even thought about keying "Megadeth" into his Mustang, but figured he'd probly know that was me. Turns out that gettin fired was the best thing that ever happened to me, though, since I got $2,500 in sever-rinse pay and I didn't even have to work for it or nothin. I was a man about town, not havin to do much of nothin and just cruisin in my Trans, lookin for some big chicks. After about two weeks of that, I was gettin pretty bored. All my friends had to work and shit, so I'd spend most of the day lookin around on this rasslin message board, like some kinda loser. Even the big chicks weren't coming around too much no more, since I'd already done most of them and I ain't never had no girl ask for seconds. Things were gettin to be a real drag here in Wausau. Then one day I was walking around, thinkin about how I was gonna crack the skull of that security dude up to the skatin rink, when I saw a billboard that changed my life. In some big ol' red letters, it said "VISIT CANADA." It had this moose on it, too. I think it was eatin grass or something. Anyway, I had about a twelve pack of Pabst's in me at that point, so I was pretty intrigued. I grabbed the closest dude by the shirt and said, "Which way to Canada, dude? I'll crack your skull!" He was pretty freaked, so he just pointed north. I pushed him down a flight of stairs and got the hell out of there.

 

I decided to move to Canada. It didn't take me too long to load my car up, since I only got a couple of things. The longest thing was wrapping the Rock Box in bubble wrap, since I kept gettin distracted and popping all the bubbles. I reckon that went on for about two hours. I didn't call my landlord up to tell him I was movin or nothing, since he's always been a real asshole to me anyway. He didn't even come out to fix my toilet when them rats chewed through all the tubes. So fuck him. He had it comin. My trip to Canada didn't take too long, so far as I could tell. I was pretty drunk. It was a little tough gettin across the border, though, on account of the guards tryin to get me to turn down my stereo. I was right to the solo in "Pour Some Sugar On Me," man! I ain't gonna let no moose eatin Canadian border dude turn down my Leppard! They got me out of my Trans Am and performed a thorough search of the rockin' beast, even goin so far as to examine my Rock Box. They kinda got distracted with the bubble wrap, though. I reckon that went on for about two hours. They finally let me go and gave me a little "Welcome to Canada" pamphlet that had a bunch of pictures of a moose eatin grass. I think that moose is, like, the official animal of Canada or something. That dude is everywhere. I figured I'd go ahead and drive to Toronto, since that's the only place in Canada I've ever heard of. Unfortunately, after about a hour or so in Canada, I started gettin real tired. All that driving and drinking had pretty much wore me out, so I figured I'd get a hotel room and have a couple beers before headin off to bed. As I'm driving around, I start noticin that a bunch of Canada is a total ghetto. I mean, my old neighborhood in Wausau wasn't no Big Tree Trailer Park or nothin, but it wasn't this bad. Everyone had these old broken down snowplows in their front yards and bumper stickers on em for a buncha teams that I ain't never even heard of. Like, I don't know who the hell the Maple Leafs are, but I bet they couldn't beat the Packers. Bret Favor would probably eat em alive. But, yeah, this place was pretty bad. I didn't even see no hard rockin' dudes or nothing. Just a bunch of old dudes with beards, smoking cigarettes and frying sausage. Plus, I didn't see no damn hotels and I was about to fall asleep at the wheel. My eyes were gettin all heavy and shit. I tried blastin some Whitesnake and everything, but nothin worked. I finally pulled over in front of an abandoned shack in the worst part of town. No one was outside--it was cold as fuck and probly tea time or some shit--so I snuck in undetected. The place was all fucked up--someone had spraypainted "Cobain Was Murdered" and "Dames Is Ghey" on the wall, in addition to taking what looked like a pretty healthy dump on the floor--but I was too damn tired to care. I curled up in a ball and just went to sleep.

 

I figure I'll probly post the rest of this on the site once I get it all written and shit. It's pretty fucked up.

 

Metal Ed on Nirvana and lesbianism

 

I ain't really got nothin against Nirvana. I put em up on the Rock Box and they sound almost as good as Trixter or Dokken or any of that stuff. I jus don't like how them dudes didn't really take good care of their hair. I seen em up there playin their guitars, gettin to bangin their heads pretty good, and they seem like any other bunch of bitchin rock dudes. But then it looks like they ain't got to washing their hair in weeks and I just can't respect no dudes who don't maintain their hair. I don't spend an hour and half combing my mullet in my Def Leppard mirror I won up to the carnival every morning just so some scraggly-ass dudes can be become all rich and stuff. It don't seem fair. David Coverdale had a good head of hair. Whitesnake was pretty bitchin, too. Nirvana ain't got shit on them.

 

Nother thing I wanted to mention, too, since I ain't been around much lately. I saw that Evenflow dude talkin about how all these chicks he likes are lesbians and I know what he's saying. I went to a party about a year ago with my cousin Jessie. Thing about Jessie is he's got an even longer mullet than me. I mean, we're talking that Geenis book of world records and shit. Anyway, I was all gettin to this one big chick when she starts all movin away from me and then goes and tells me that she's a dyke. I didn't let it bother me or nothin, though, since chicks pretty much dig Metal Ed and there were plenty of other ones there. Later on, I see Jessie and that same big chick all makin out and shit. I eventually got to thinkin that she must have thought Jessie was a girl, since he's got that long hair and everything. That's why I'm growin out my mullet real long. I need to get me some of that action.

 

Metal Ed on the most he's ever eaten in one sitting

 

i. Me and that big chick from the Stop and Go went to the Old Country Buffet last week and pretty much cleared the tables. She was the real workhorse of the group and all, but Metal Ed held his own. I had a whole chicken, a bunch of mashed potatoes, two plates of greens, a full watermelon, six pounds of french fries, a pizza, fifteen cookies, and some of them gummie bears. They begged us to leave, dude. That mighta been on account of us gettin pretty rowdy after a twelve pack of Pabsts and me playin some Foreigner on the Rock Box, though. Either way, we ain't welcome back there no more.

 

ii. Yeah, man. Chicks usually don't dig it when you eat a bunch of food unless they're eatin it with you. Most of my girlfriends have been pretty big, so I ain't had much of a problem. Plus, I don't got a lot of money. Old Country Buffet was the big girl up at Stop and Go's birthday present.

 

Metal Ed replying to a metal chick's personal ad

 

 

 

Dear Metal Chick,

 

Hey. My name's Edward Bonham III, but most of the rockin dudes round town call me Metal Ed. I ain't never met a girl who liked metal as much as me, since most of the big chicks up here in Wausau listen to country. You ain't even big or nothin, either. You got a smokin body, kinda like Samantha Foxx but with smaller boobies. Ain't nothing wrong with that, though, since some of them big chicks I've done ain't had no boobies at all. You figure a big chick's gonna have em, too, but that ain't always the case. Anyway, I see you like Dokken. They're pretty bitchin. I put em up on the Rock Box and they get me to bangin my head pretty good. I got a tattoo myself. It says "Winger" up on my shoulder. I got it cuz I wanted one but couldn't really think of nothin else to get. I kinda regret it now. Your tattoos look pretty bitchin, though. I figure we might could get together sometime, if you're willing to come up here to Wausau. I'll take you to the Old Country Buffet or the monster truck ralley or whatever. I got a bunch of money on account of the junkyard paying me off after that second microwave fell on my head, so I'm pretty much open to anything. Just hope you don't want to go skatin up to the skatin rink, seeing as I ain't no longer welcome there. Hope to hear from ya soon.

 

Metal Ed

 

p.s. I have a sixteen inch mullet.

 

Metal Ed on 'top posters' lists

 

I don't know nothing about most of these people, but I figure Metal Ed deserves some sort of mention. I haven't been here long, but it's been a pretty hard rocking twelve hours.

 

Metal Ed on recent album purchases

 

I ain't bought nothing in a while, but I did find those Dokken tapes in my dad's tape heap. Got me to bangin' my head pretty good. I got that Slayer album, too, from when my friend Matt let me borrow it. I ain't a purist like some of you, so I thought it was pretty bitchin'. My Rock Box didn't eat it or nothin and I was bangin' my head pretty good, so it was cool. It ain't no South of Heaven, though.

 

to be continued...

[Guest Kinetic]

Banky: First off, go fuck yourself. Secondly, I don't save my own posts. There's such a thing as a search function and a board database.

[Guest IDrinkRatsMilk]

These are the worst posts I have ever read. Metal Ed is a stupid character. A redneck who spouts dumbass catchphrases like a third rate Otto Mann... or Joe Dirt. Fuck Metal Ed. Fuck him up his stupid ass.

[Guest Kinetic]

Ask Metal Ed

 

>I ain't got much to do since I got a couple days off from the junkyard since that toaster fell on my head. I figure I might could answer some of your questions. Keep em rockin', though. Metal Ed don't need no bullshit.

 

Q: Will you give me back my jacket, Metal Ed?

 

A: I ain't got your jacket, dude. I got this jacket from my dad after the industrial accident. I figured he didn't need it no more. I put the big Maiden patch on myself, though. It's pretty bitchin'.

 

Q: How can Motley Crue do a roomful of cocaine and survive but people with talent take on hit and fall down dead?

 

A: The Crue is like me, dude. We can't be killed. They got a pact with Satan, too, man. Ain't you heard "Shout at the Devil"? It's a pretty bitchin' song. Got me to bangin' my head pretty good. If some pop sissy like Paul Simon had signed a pact with Satan, he'd probaly be alive today. It ain't the Crue's fault.

 

Q: Why is my wrist bleeding?

 

A: Do you work at the junkyard, too, dude?! I tripped on a matress one time and landed on this little table...cut my wrists up pretty bad. I took the table home, though, and that's where I usually keep the Rock Box. Metal Ed always looks on the bright side, unless someone's fuckin' with him. Then it's time to crack some skulls, dude.

 

Q: To you, who are the best bands, ever?

 

A: My #1 all-time most rockinest band ever is probably Skid Row. They got some bitchin' stuff, man. Quiet Riot is pretty awesome, too. I like just about anything you can think of, just as long as it keeps the Rock Box screamin', dude.

 

Trixter is pretty bad ass, too.

 

Q: Why are you the coolest poster ever?

 

A: Cuz I was born to rock, baby! People round here appreciate a rockin dude like Metal Ed more than most of these churchy people up in Wausau. Some dude came up here last night and tried to get me to turn my Rock Box down...I was bangin' my head and all, playin some Warrant...and I was all like, "Hey, dude. No one turns down Metal Ed's Rock Box. No one." He ran off when he saw my head wound, anyway. Pussy.

 

Q: Metal Ed, the females of this board continuously no-sell my flirtations. What can I do to make them notice me?

 

 

A: You gotta be assertful and stuff. Make em know you mean business. I usually try to play em some air guitar and take em to the buffet, but I don't know if you could do that stuff on a message board. Pretty much just be cool and chicks will notice you. The cool ones, anyway. They're usually pretty big.

 

It can't hurt to grow a mullet, either.

 

Q: Who do you think has the better mullet? You or Eddy Guerrero?

 

A: Eddy Guerrero's mullet is all stringy. I don't spend 45 minutes in front of my Def Leppard mirror every morning for nothin...my mullet is perfect in every way. It's thick and luscious. At least that's what the big girl up to the Stop and Go told me. I don't know all them big words like that.

 

Q: Being from Wisconsin, is Metal Ed a Packer fan too?

 

A: I don't get to watch much football, since I ain't got but the one TV and it don't get such good reception. I seen some of them, though, and that Bret Favor guy is pretty bitchin. He likes to drink, just like Metal Ed.

 

Q: Metal Ed. I have a big desire to grow a mullet, tear some holes into the kneecaps of my jeans, wear bitchin' Sammy Hagar shirts, and build a table out of cinder blocks and wood for my own Rock Box. Should I do this, and if so, will you help me break into a construction site to steal the blocks?

 

A: That's what I'm talkin about, dude! You should come to Wausau, man. Me and Matt could show you the ropes. Probably could hook you up with the big chick up to the Wal-Mart, Wanda. We did a threeway with her, so I know she puts out. I could hook you up with some supplies from the junkyard, man. We got all sorts of shit out there.

 

Q: Why is Metal Ed a Tough Enough Contestant?

 

A: I was thinking of going on that Tough Enough, man. I figure I could be a rassler. It don't look too hard or nothin. I've been trying to bulk up and everything. Been drinking lots of beer. I don't know if my head wound is gonna mess it up now.

 

Q: Why do I no longer exist, Metal Ed?

 

A: See, this is the bullshit I was talkin about. Metal Ed ain't got no time for this. I'll let it pass this time, but if you ask another dumbass question I'm hoppin in my Trans Am and coming looking for ya.

 

Q: I'd actually like to meet Metal Ed, even if he is cracking my skull, so....

 

Metal Ed, why do I no longer exist?

 

 

A: I tried to get up and grab my keys, but I fell down. I'm on a bunch of medication from when the toaster fell on my head. I can't do much of nothin. You're on my list, though, dude. Metal Ed's list is one place you don't wanna be.

 

Q: Metal Ed? Do you use hair spray on your mullet or do you go "natural"?

 

A: I use a little Aqua Net every once in a while, specially when I'm gettin laid that night. Gotta have the mullet look nice when you're gettin some, know what I mean? But usually I just comb it for about 45 minutes. Get all the bugs out.

 

Q: I have this psycho of an ex, always screaming at me for something...mostly my music. She doesn't like 80's metal(you know what I mean) She doesn't like Metallica nor Ozzy Osbourne...but she thinks Fred Durst is the shit! Oh wise one, what should I do? Should I trash all of her cd's and show her the wonders of the 80's metal?

 

A: You just put some of that heavy shit on your Rock Box...like some Warrant or somethin...and start bangin' your head pretty good. Get real into it. Start playin some air guitar. Thrash that shit, man. She'll see how awesome you look and be all over you, dude. She'll be beggin to borrow your Slaughter tapes, man, I'm tellin you. That's what Metal Ed does. Wanda, the big chick from up at Wal-Mart, listens to country. I ain't got no time for none of that redneck bullshit. She comes over, sees Metal Ed rockin out to his Rock Box, and she's gettin all hot, man. I got her listenin to some Def Leppard now. I figure she'll be a total convert soon.

 

Q: If you bang said head... will it infact drive you mad? And if so how much "banging" is required before you head gets mad?

 

A: Ain't too much bangin necessary to drive you mad, specially when you bang it as hard as Metal Ed. I kill some brain cells, dude. I get into that shit. I start seeing stuff sometimes. I was bangin my head to some Cinderella one time and I saw Jimmy Carter ride across my living room on a seal. Swear to god, man.

 

Metal Ed on TRITEC

 

TRITEC is on my list, dude. One day you're gonna hear the screech of a Trans Am's wheels and some Lynyrd Skynryd blarin' down your street. Then you'll know it's time.

 

 

More Ask Metal Ed

 

Q: Don't put me on your list or nothing, but I'm ashamed to say I only own one Van Halen album, a vinyl copy of 1984 that I can't play now 'cuz my needle's busted. What other Van Halen albums do you recommend? Which one has the "Ice Cream Man" song on it, I love that song!

 

A: "Ice Cream Man" is on their first album. I think that one's called Van Halen. I figure you should have all of em. Maybe not some of that pussy Sammy Hagar shit, but anything with Diamond Dave oughta have you bangin' your head pretty good.

 

 

Q: DEAR METAL ED: I am an attractive 33-year-old, unattached woman who is extremely shy and lonely. Please don't tell me to look for companionship in church (done that) or clubs, which don't exist in my small town.

The nearest singles group is a 30-mile drive, and the "pickings" there are slim. Most of my friends are married and preoccupied with husbands and busy households. We might meet for coffee or an occasional meal, but not often.

 

The few single girlfriends I have are romantically involved and do not want to leave their boyfriends even for an hour, so I am stuck every weekend at home by myself. I tried an Internet dating service. All the responses I got were from men 50 and older -- even though I requested no one over 37.

I am beginning to doubt myself as a person -- fearing that no one will ever want to get close to me. My attitude is starting to affect my job performance.

 

Metal Ed, am I asking too much to want someone to cuddle up with at night; someone to be there when I've had a rough day; someone to go bike riding with or for a day at the beach?

 

Can you help me? Please tell me what I can do. My birthday is coming up. All I want in the whole world is to spend it with someone who cares about me. -- LONELY IN A SMALL TOWN SOMEWHERE IN VIRGINIA

 

A: Dear Lonely Chick: I figure you’re probly just ugly. Ain’t nothing wrong with that, really. Most of the chicks Metal Ed’s done haven’t been no beauty queens neither. What you need to do is find someplace real nice, like the skating rink or something, and get all gussied up before you go. I mean, like, a bunch of hair spray and lots of makeup and shit. Get all to looking like one of those chicks from Poison. Go up there in something tight and latex, too. I bet that’ll work. They got that DJ up there and I ain’t never seen him outside of his little box, so I figure he’d probly like some company. Get him to play some Dokken, too. I’m tired of hearing that sissy pop shit but I need to go there since I ain’t welcome in front of the Stop and Go no more. I don’t really wanna talk about that too much. If that don’t work, I know some of them dudes up to the prison who’d probly like to meet a lonely chick. They got them trailers for conjugal visits, too, so you could still wear that stuff I told you about. Hell, you could come up here to Wausau. I ain’t got nothing planned.

 

 

Q: DEAR METAL ED: I'm in a play at school and have to wear stage makeup. But I've heard it can clog pores and cause zits. Is there any way to prevent this?—SOMEWHAT PIMPLY IN PEORIA

 

 

A: Dear Pizza Faced Broad: I got suckered into being in a play in 8th grade once. I didn't know what was going on or nothing. They got me playing this Kenickie dude in Grease. I couldn't memorize my lines or nothin, since Metal Ed couldn't read too good back then. This was before I got some tutoring so I could read them vampire books. So I basically just got up there and started bangin' my head pretty good, trying to talk to Danny Zuko about the new Winger album. He wasn't too happy with me. They booted me after the first show and that didn't bother me or nothing. I was thinking I might could score with that Rizzo chick, though. She was making googly eyes at Metal Ed. I can tell. I don't know nothin about your question, though, since I punched the makeup dude in the nuts when he tried to put some of that crap on my face. Metal Ed ain't no girl. I had a bunch of zits back then anyway. Makeup wasn't gonna hurt me none. I figure you should just wear it and then wash your face real good afterward. Get one of them washcloths and scrub it real good, like you're buffing your Trans Am. That oughta take care of it.

 

 

Q: DEAR METAL ED: Right before school finished last spring, I made out with a guy in my class at a party. We never got together after that. Over the summer I hooked up with a fellow camp counselor (he doesn't live near me, but we talk on the phone and we're still really close). How do I deal with the weirdness of seeing my old crush at school?

 

 

A: Dear Easy Chick: I figure you should do him. Me and Wanda, the big girl up to the Wal-Mart, started making out at the demolition derby one time. Ain't nothing happened before that, so it was pretty strange. Things was pretty awkward after that, so I decided I'd just do her and get it over with. She was pretty cool with it. After we did that threesome, she stopped coming around too much. I figure she's probably embarrassed. Either that or Metal Ed is too much man for her and she don't wanna get tore up again. That last one ain't too likely, though. If you don't wanna do him, though, I figure you oughta drop out. School ain't all that bitchin' to begin with and having some dude making googly eyes at you is probly just gonna make it worse. If you got a junkyard down there in Clearwater, I bet they'll hire you there. They ain't too particular about education.

 

Metal Ed on skating rink security guards

 

For those of you lookin for a Metal Ed schedule or something, just so you know when to look for me, I'll probly be answering questions every Friday and Saturday. That's when I'm off from the junkyard. So y'all are on your own during the week. Don't go getting pregnant or committing suicide or nothing, unless you're one of them new security guards they got in front of the skating rink. Then you got a hard rockin' Metal Ed ass-whoopin'coming your way anyway, so it don't even matter. You might think you're safe up there with your little pistol and flashlight, dude, but you ain't. One day you'll be tossin' out totally bitchin' dudes that ain't done nothin 'cept for smoke a joint in the bathroom, which ain't no big deal. Your back'll be turned, unassuming. You'll hear "Master of Puppets" in the distance but think nothin of it. Then you'll feel a sharp pain in your head, man. You'll reach up and yell, "My skull! It's been cracked!" Then you'll know you shouldn't have never fucked with Metal Ed. You can believe that.

 

More Ask Metal Ed

 

Q: DEAR METAL ED: I'm 15 and my boyfriend is 24. We love each other, but I'm scared to tell my mom. How can I convince her that he's a good person who loves me?--ANXIOUS IN ALBANY

 

A: You just gotta give it to her straight. Tell her, "Ma, I got this 24 year old dude I been screwin'. I'm keepin the baby." You probly wanna get pregnant before you say that last part. Ain't nothing she can do about it anyway. She might could push you down the stairs, I guess. I don't know what your family situation's like. You just gotta do like what Metal Ed did when I decided to get that Maiden tattoo on my arm. Show it to her, let her yell at you, and then don't go gettin in no trouble after that. Play your Rock Box real low at night, don't drink too much in the house, and try to not be all moaning and stuff when you're screwing that 24 year old dude in your room. That oughta do it. If she's still pissed, kill her. Nah, I'm just kidding. All you gotta do is rough her up a little.

 

 

Q: DEAR METAL ED: I was looking for some pictures on the computer and opened a file of my dad's. A glance told me it was pornography and I quickly closed it. I felt dirty. I'm pretty sure my mom has no idea. I don't know if I should confront Dad. What do I do?--DISTURBED IN DENVER

 

 

A: Just don't go lookin in Metal Ed's underwear drawer, that's for sure. Or under my mattress, neither. Probly wanna avoid the cupboards and that one Crisper drawer in my fridge, too. I don't even see what your problem is. If I had a daughter--and I'm still tellin you that Wanda's baby ain't mine, since it don't even have a mullet or nothin--I wouldn't put up with her tryin to expose my stash. Daughter or not, Metal Ed don't tolerate no bullshit. My advice is to mind your own damn business and don't go snooping around in your dad's computer. And if it's some of that barely legal stuff, my e-mail address is [email protected]. I already got a collection and stuff, but it don't hurt to add none.

 

 

Q: DEAR METAL ED: My gym teacher flirts with the girls in my class. He looks down our shirts and touches us. I've told many people, and the say I'm exaggerating or that I should ignore him. I need some real advice!--VIOLATED IN VALLEY FORGE

 

A: We had a dude like that up to the junkyard for a while. His name was Willy and he was a pretty weird dude. He was always feeling up on Metal Ed and asking me if I was urinating normal and stuff. Plus, he listened to fucking country music and wouldn't let me play my Rock Box when he workin with me. One time we were out tryin to move this old stove when he started all lickin my face and stuff. I'm not even kidding, dude. I didn't know what to do. He tried grabbing my ass through my jeans and that's when I had to crack his skull. Metal Ed ain't go no problem with queers or nothin, but I ain't gonna have no old dude grabbin up on my ass. That just ain't gonna happen. I ain't at liberty to talk about what happened after that, since the investigation's still open. What I figure you should do is just let the old dude get his jollys. This ain't like with Metal Ed and Willie, since you chicks ain't got a badass reputation to uphold. As long as he don't try to do you or nothin, I don't see no problem with it. If I was a gym teacher with a bunch of hot high school chicks, I'd probly do it, too. You chicks are asking for it when you wear them short shorts and stuff, anyway. Dude probly just can't help himself.

 

Q: What do YOU think of Canadians?

 

A: I ain't got no time for none of em. Living up here in Wausau, I've met a few of them bastards. They're always talkin about how their country is better...like how they got better syrup and a higher moose population and all. I don't take no country that calls ham bacon seriously, dude. Y'all don't know how to rock up there, either. All I heard from up in Canada is a bunch of sissy pop like the Barenaked Womens. You can't get to much headbanging with that stuff. I ain't got no time for it.

 

Q: Would Metal Ed hit that?

 

A: He's talkin about that Kylee Minowogue chick, in case y'all were wondering. Metal Ed ain't real particular. The big chick up to the Stop and Go came and visited me in the hospital yesterday. I'm just layin there, minding my own business, tryin to get my doctor to plug in my Rock Box. I couldn't do it myself, since I was have some trouble standing after my head hit that cinder block. That chick comes in and she's all reachin under Metal Ed's hospital gown, tryin to get at my junk. I wasn't gonna tell her no or nothin, even though I didn't feel much like gettin it on. I just got a way with the ladies, I guess. Ain't nothing I can do about it. She all tried to drive me home and everything, too. I'm thinkin of droppin her, if you want the truth. She's startin to cramp Metal Ed's style. I probly would do that Kylee Minnowgue chick, though. I ain't never been with a skinny girl before and she's got a pretty bitchin' body. I'd bang her.

 

Q: What 80's Power Ballads to you use to score with the chicks?

 

A: Most of them Poison ones work pretty well. I had this one chick...she worked up to the Burger King and was all tryin to get with Metal Ed. She was pretty big. I had her up in my house one night and we'd been drinking some Pabst's. I'm blarin the Rock Box, y'know, playin some Ratt. We're all makin out, but when Metal Ed went to reach for her goods she all backs away. I didn't panic or nothin. I just went and changed the tape to "Every Rose Has Its Thorn." She was pretty much putty in my hands after that. I did her.

 

Q: What pick-up lines do you use on the chicks? I figure if I "borrow" a few of them, I might get lucky, if you know what I mean.

 

A: I don't use too many pick up lines or nothing. If I see a girl I like, I pretty much just go up to her and say "Hey, girl. You're pretty bitchin'. You wanna go to the demolition derby with me after you get off work?" I done been rejected a few times. I ain't gonna lie about that. But if I get a girl to go to the demolition derby, 9 times out of 10 I'm gonna get some. You just gotta make her an offer she can't refuse.

 

Q: why must people try and cop your unique posting style?

 

if you and kinetic were to get in a fistfight, who would win?

 

A: Ain't nothing new on the first one. People been trying to act like Metal Ed since as long as I can remember. This one dude I knew last year was all trying to be Metal Ed. He was a little sixth grader tryin to grow out his mullet, puttin a big Maiden patch on the back of his jean jacket, and all that. I pretty much just roughed him up and stole his sneakers. That was the end of that. This Metal Ted dude is cool with me, though. You can't never have too many hard rockin' metal dudes around, as far as I'm concerned.

 

I bet that Kinetic dude ain't never fought no one. I've been fightin up here in Wausau since I was ten, so I can hold my own. I'd take that dude in one punch. Probably wouldn't even take that. He'd start runnin as soon as he saw my mullet. He ain't nothing but a pussy.

 

Q: if you had to walk across the street to see willie nelson in concert, would you?

 

since it gets pretty damn cold in wisconsin, do you have a Maiden patch on your snow jacket as well?

 

A: I ain't much for that redneck bullshit. I'd probly walk across the street to crack his damn skull for making it so I can't hear my Rock Box. If any of them damn redneck country fans try to park their pickup trucks on Metal Ed's lawn, there's gonna be some trouble.

 

I pretty much just have the jean jacket. It gets cold and everything, but Metal Ed is a pretty tough dude. I've had hypothermia a few times, but I ain't worried about it. I'd rather get sick than have people see me in some pussy snow jacket.

 

Q: are you aware that willie nelson, if you had the chance to meet him, would hook you up with some free grass? it might even be some kind bud!

 

during the 80's, when faced with the decision of purchasing the 'white lion' debut album and great white's 'once bitten', which did you choose first?

 

if the govt. put a ban on all mullets, how would you react?

 

A: Well, that might give me something to think about. I pretty much get all my stuff from the rockin' dudes around Wausau. Matt's got one of them greenhouses and everything. It can't hurt to have some more, though. I figure I probly would take Willie Nelson's weed, but if he tried to play a banjo within 40 feet of Metal Ed, I'd have to crack his skull. Rules are rules.

 

My, my, my! I'm once bitten, twice shy, baby! Man, that's some bitchin' stuff. I used to bang my head to that shit all the time back in 8th grade, before I dropped out. I'm cool with White Lion, too, dude. Don't get me wrong. I might go put them tapes on the Rock Box a little later. You're a pretty bitchin' dude, man.

 

Ain't no government known to man could make Metal Ed cut his mullet. They'd have to kill me, dude. It just ain't gonna happen.

 

Q: Who wields the greatest axe in rock history?

 

A: Man, there been some good ones. Eddie Van Halen gets a honorable mention for being a hard rockin' sumbitch before that Sammy Hagar bullshit, but I'm gonna have to go with Yngwie Malmsteen. Ain't no one ever shredded the axe like him, before or since. Gets me to bangin' my head like no other.

 

 

Q: when metal began to decline in the early 90's due to the grunge explosion, did you cling to your copy of quiet riot's 'condition critical', hoping that not all metal acts would meet thier demise as quickly as they did, resulting in there playing nightclubs that hold 300 people?

 

after ratt released 'way cool jr.' did you want to take a pick axe to stephen pearcy?

 

when poison and faster pussycat and the like were rocking down the house, did you use hairspray?

 

A: That was a pretty rough period for Metal Ed. I went from being the toast of Wausau to yesterday's news. That's all in the past, though, dude cuz metal is back in a serious way. I ain't gonna claim to be a big fan of most of this stuff, but it ain't a big deal. As long as kids everywhere are rockin' out, everything's cool.

 

I ain't never heard that album. I think Matt told me it sucked and I was gonna buy it, but I ended up gettin some Joe Satriana instead. I don't really remember much from that period anyway. I was on some stuff. Don't never buy none of them Arcade albums, though. They suck majorly.

 

Metal Ed used hairspray then, and continues to use it for special occasions today. I didn't wear no makeup or frilly stuff, though. Metal Ed can impress the chicks just lookin like a dude, thank you very much.

 

Q: As a Skid Row fan, what did you think of Sebastian Bach's starring role on Broadway's Jekyll and Hyde?

 

EDIT: Also, would you mind giving me the phone number of Wanda, the big girl from Wal-Mart? I can't convince any of these stuck-up New York girls to engage in a threeway with me.

 

A: Metal Ed doesn't see too many plays, so I didn't know nothin about that. I figure that if Sebastian Bach is involved with it, it's gotta be pretty bitchin'. Plus, I remember seeing that "Dr. Jekyll and Mrs. Hyde" movie with that dude from "Wings" and thinkin it was pretty funny. I bet it's a pretty rockin play.

 

I don't know Wanda's number or nothin. She pretty much stopped coming around after the threeway. She's probly embarrassed or something. If you ever do have one those, I got some advice for you: Don't never do it with a dude who you ain't real sure about. Matt's pretty bitchin and all, but he's got some of them Rob Halford tendencies. He started tryin to feel on my chest, was running his fingers through my mullet and all. Metal Ed ain't no queer, though, so I punched him right in the nose. He got my message, dude, I can assure you. I don't know nothin about stuck up girls in New York or nothin. Just give 'em some Pabst and they're pretty much putty in your hands, man.

 

Q: Is there anything that you listen to other then heavy metal?

 

A: I listen to some hard rock, too. I gotta admit that I'm a pretty big fan of Kansas. The band, not the state. They ain't really metal or nothin, but they got some rockin' tunes. I put 'em up on the Rock Box and it sounds as good as most of my metal shit. Gets me to bangin' my head a little slower with a little more feeling. I ain't got no problem with that. Don't you go telling anybody that Metal Ed's a pussy, though. I'll crack your skull, dude. You can believe that.

 

Q: Hey Metal Ed, did you see Swimfan?

 

A: I don't get to see too many movies or nothin. I saw a preview for it up to the Sears in the mall when I was looking for a wrench, though, and it looked pretty decent. I might could take this chick I met up to the hospital today to see it. She's pretty hot, dude. Got some of them of them big old titties and everything. I bet she's only around 250, so that ain't too bad. I'm probly gonna ask her out next time I'm up there, so maybe she'd wanna see Swim Team. I was hopin to see one of them Freddy Krueger movies, but you can't win em all.

 

If they ever re-release Smoky and the Bandit, though, you can bet Metal Ed'll be the first in line.

 

Q: This crew that hang around the corner from my house used to give me heat every time I walked by because of my Metal stylings.

One time they told me to shave my 20 inch hair off, and I lost it.

I cracked all their heads but now I'm on the run from the cops.

What should I do?

 

A: Man, you come up here to Wausau and Metal Ed could take you in. I done had some criminals in here before. This one big dude named Percy broke in through my window last year, saying he done killed his wife and needed some place to crash til the heat died down. I wasn't too happy about it or nothing, but I didn't wanna piss this dude off. You know? So I pretty much housed him and gave him some of my Beanie Weenies and all that. He was a pretty bitchin dude. Liked all that metal shit and everything. One thing about Percy, though, was he liked to walk around naked. That sumbitch was never wearing nothin. I eventually had to turn him in cause people round my neighborhood were getting suspicious. Not about him being a murderer or nothing, but about me being his boyfriend or some shit. I can see what they mighta been thinking. You got a handsome dude like Metal Ed and big ol' naked guy like Percy living in the same house...people gonna get suspicious. I just hope he don't never break out or nothing. Metal Ed's in a bunch of trouble then.

 

Q: Lita Ford or those chicks from Nelson?

 

A: Lita Ford on account of them Nelson chicks being dudes. I got a story about how I found out they weren't chicks, but I don't feel much like tellin it. Metal Ed's got his pride.

 

Q: how did you feel when rob halford of judas priest said he was gay? were you surprised or indifferent? did you still rock out to 'eat me alive' even though the meaning had changed?

 

when combing your mullet, does your hair ever get tangled in the brush, forcing you to cut off portions of the magic locks?

 

when you were growing up, what was the biggest poster on your wall?

 

A: I ain't got no real problem with faggots or nothin. As long as they ain't all feeling up on Metal Ed, it's cool. And man, it's Rob Halford! Rob FUCKING Halford! Dude would have to kill a bus full of puppies and orphans for me to respect him any less. Shit, I'd probly like him more then. He'd do it, too, the crazy homo.

 

I got one of them special brushes that are real gentle on the hair. Cost me $75, too, so I didn't eat too much that week. It was worth it, though, cuz I got the best mullet in Wisconsin. I won a contest and everything. It was pretty cool.

 

I had a big ol' one of them Farrah Fawcet nipple posters. That was probly the biggest one. My momma made me take it down when she caught me humping the wall, though. After that, the biggest one was probly the Iron Maiden poster. Had that big freaky monster dude playing the guitar. It was totally bitchin, man. I'm saving up for one of them blacklights right now so I can see my Hendrix and 'shroom posters the way they was intended to be seen. That's pretty much my next big investment.

 

Q: Ed, is your mullet like Samson's hair, in that if you got a buzz cut today, you would lose all ability to rock out?

 

A: Metal Ed would always be a pretty rockin' dude. The mullet is mostly to attract the chicks and basically send the message to the rest of the world that I'm a rocker. I wouldn't wanna do without it or nothing. I got some of that male pattern baldness, though, and I'll probly shave it off once it gets to the middle of my head. I ain't lookin like that Devon Crosby dude.

 

Q: Metel Ed what do you think Of Nirvana, Led Zeppelin, and Hole?

 

A: I ain't too big on Nirvana. I listened to 'em for a little while and thought they were pretty bitchin', but I kinda let off once I saw the way they keep their hair. I ain't no queer or nothin, but I can't really respect no dudes that don't take care of the hair God gave 'em. That's why I ain't listen to them much. Led Zep is pretty damn bitchin', though. Always get me to bangin' my head real good. I ain't too big on that "Stairway to Heaven," though. That's pretty much a pussy song for chicks. Metal Ed ain't no chick. I ain't never even heard of Hole. That ain't David Coverdale's new band, is it?

 

Q: Would you swap your own Trans-Am for the Trans-Am from Knight Rider? The Trans-am in Knight Rider was KITT and talked and jumped over high shit.

 

A: Hell yeah! I'd have to get that voice replaced, though. I ain't too cool about having Mr. Feeny talkin to me when I'm driving. I'd probly try to get Ronnie James Dio to talk for the car. That'd be bitchin'. I might could finally win that car contest up at the state fair if I could get KITT. Ain't no one else up there got a talking car except for Leroy and his mostly just cusses.

 

Q: Would you drink dog urine for front row seats to see Britney Fox?

 

A: I probly wouldn't drink dog urine for nothing. I learned that lesson the hard way.

 

Q: if you went to an alice cooper concert and he played a ballad, would you pull out your zippo lighter and light the ballad flame? if so, once the ballad began to ROCK OUT (similar to the way 'Stairway to Heaven' rocks out at the end), would you start banging your head with the flame still going strong? if so, if that flame accidentally burnt the aqua net infested hairdo of the metal whore in front of you, what would you do?

 

A: My mullet got lit on fire one time. Me and Matt were shootin WD-40 into his lighter, gettin a good blowtorch going. I started bangin my head pretty good, just like you said, and his had slipped. I was runnin around the yard and everything, trying to get it out. Burned my scalp pretty good. Looking back on it now, we probly shoulda stopped with the WD-40 then. I know Matt misses his dog a bunch. To answer your question, though, I'd probly run like hell. Metal Ed don't normally run from no one, but someone who just had their hair caught on fire ain't no one to fuck with.

[Guest Kinetic]

Metal Ed on Motley Crue's breakup

 

Aw, man. The Crue was so awesome, too. Dr. Feelgood was playing in my Trans Am the night I became a man. I still got a bunch of their shirts, too. This is a total bummer, dude.

 

MOTLEY CRUE FOREVA, MAN! ROCK AND ROLL!

 

Metal Ed on Metal Ed

 

My full name is Edward James Bonham III, but everyone's called me Metal Ed since sixth grade. I was born and raised in Wausau, Wisconsin and I'm still rockin' there today. I ain't sure what else you want to know. You showed some interest in Metal Ed, though, and I appreciate it so I went back and read some of those links in your thing below the line there. I don't know nothing about none of that music--seems like it's probably sissy pop stuff, which don't get within a half mile radius of Metal Ed's Rock Box--but your writing is pretty good. Metal Ed don't get to read much, but I likes what I likes. Most of that other stuff at this website is too long for me, man. Your stuff is definitely more up my alley, lengthwise.

 

If that's not what you meant by "I like him," though, know this: Nobody and nothing goes up Metal Ed's alley lengthwise. I'm all man.

 

Metal Ed talks to SwimFan

 

I talked to that SwimFan chick. She was pretty weird, dude.

 

MetalEd: Hey, dude.

Swimfan4u: u have got my full attention. Can I help u?

MetalEd: You rocking hard over there?

Swimfan4u: Yep.

MetalEd: Me, too. I got that new Def Leppard. It's bitchin.

Swimfan4u: I'm glad we agree, you.When?Who said

MetalEd: What?

Swimfan4u: No big deal...

MetalEd: You don't blow off Metal Ed like that. I'll crack your skull.

Swimfan4u: Do you? blow off Metal Ed like that? What's your purpose in asking?

Swimfan4u: I spend all my time online.How do you plan to do this?

MetalEd: I'll get in my Trans Am and go door to door if I have to.

Swimfan4u: How do you plan to do this?

MetalEd: Well, damn. I get inside the rockin' beast, referred to by some as "the hummer" because I got a blowjob in there once after a Cinderella concert, and find you. Then I start laying in the boots.

MetalEd: Whatever u say damnWhere did you get it?So what else do u want 2 know?Interesting deduction. Are u in high school?

MetalEd: I dropped out in ninth grade. Teachers tried to get me to cut my mullet, dude. I said "Nobody cuts Metal Ed's mullet." That was pretty much the end of it. Plus, I attacked my Shop teacher.

Swimfan4u: What else can I tell u?So what else do u want 2 know?What did you mean by

Swimfan4u: ?

Swimfan4u:

Swimfan4u:

Swimfan4u: Okaaayyy... What else is on your mind?My teachers r great, but I think Mr. Kaufman is my fav...he's my music teacher.

MetalEd: My music teacher didn't teach me nothing but a bunch of sissy classical stuff. I tried to bring some Slaughter in there once and he confiscated my Rock Box. I guess I mighta attacked him, too.

Swimfan4u: Your music teacher did not teach him or her nothing but a bunch of sissy classical stuff?I'm not sure if I would like to try

Swimfan4u: . What's it like?

Swimfan4u:

Swimfan4u:

MetalEd: Bunch of pianos and violins and shit. I was like "Where's the guitar, man? That would have been the perfect spot for a bitchin' solo!" I hated school, man.

MetalEd: What else do u wanna talk about?Where were you ?Perhaps it would.Intersting.What else can I tell u?

MetalEd: Do you like stonewashed denim? I got some on right now and they're bitchin, man. I'll probly get laid tonight.

Swimfan4u: I love horses. I like to talk about movies and music.When?Do you think your plan will succeed?

MetalEd: Depends on if that one big chick is up at the Stop and Go tonight. She's been making eyes at Metal Ed. I can tell.

Swimfan4u: Really now that is an interesting fact I hadn't heard before.Really? somebody is been making eyes at Metal Ed.What makes it so obvious?

MetalEd: She gets that real hungry look in her eyes, like when I took her to the buffet. She was looking at Metal Ed like I was some mashed potatos with cheese, man. So, yeah. I'll probably do her. Not in the Trans Am, though, cuz I just had it reupholstered.

Swimfan4u: Really? somebody gets that real hungry look in her eyes like when he or she took her to the buffet.What happened to her?Really. Um....not to change the subject, but do u know Ben Cronin?Do you think your plan will succeed?Where then?

MetalEd: I don't know no Ben Cronin. You're a pretty confusing chick.

Swimfan4u: Would you like to know?

Swimfan4u:

Swimfan4u: U think? Yep.. someone said I'm a hottie! Am I a confusing chick? Only when it matters.

MetalEd: That don't make a damn lick of sense, either. You like to swim? We got one of them rivers around here and I go swimming in it sometimes. People talk like it's contaminated, but I just figure that's more room for me to swim. Metal Ed can't be killed.

Swimfan4u: totally.No I can't swim. Ben's great though.Totally :)People rock.Only just? You?Cool. Ask me another questions

MetalEd: What the hell? All right...what do you think of Trixter? I had them up in my Rock Box the other day and I thought they were pretty righteous. Got me to bangin' my head pretty good.

Swimfan4u: Heaven.Alright. how should i know?Cool. Ask me another questions :)Try asking the Milk Mystic.

MetalEd: Man, this isn't making any sense. Metal Ed don't have time for this. I'm leaving.

 

ROCK AND ROLL FOREVA, BABY!

 

Metal Ed on the experience

 

Yeah, man. That SwimChick is one weird broad. I think she wanted Metal Ed, though, dude. She was getting pretty hot there towards the end.

 

Metal Ed on Guy Stokes

 

I don't know no Guy Stokes, but I bet I could take him. People are always trying to fight Metal Ed because of his mullet and pact with Satan. I take them all on, dude. No one in Wausau can beat Metal Ed in a fist fight, except for Randy the car mechanic. He's a pretty big dude.

 

Metal Ed on friendship pt. 2

 

Let Metal Ed help you out, dude. Any time one of my friends starts gettin out of line, I just start whalin' on the sumbitch. Ain't nothin bring two guys closer than fightin. You bust up his nose, he cracks your ribs. You two go up to the hospital together, your friendship is gonna be good as new. You might could skip town together to avoid the doctor bills. That's what me and Matt did.

 

True story.

 

Metal Ed on the big chick from up to the Stop & Go

 

I ain't sure what her name is. They got these nametags up to the Stop and Go that are all green...I can't even read em. I figure I'll ask her after we get done doin' it.

 

Metal Ed on the miracle of childbirth

 

Congrats, dude. When Wanda had her baby--it wasn't mine so far as I know, even though she did try to get me to go on "Maury Povich"--I sent little Delbert a copy of South of Heaven and a six pack of Pabst. Ain't never too early to get em started, you know what I mean?

 

Metal Ed on the Church of NO MA'AM

 

I just want you all to know that Metal Ed supports this endeavour 100%. I used to watch "Married With Children" with my dad before the industrial accident and that show was bitchin', man. That Al Bowden guy was hilarious.

 

Metal Ed on a high school crush

 

I knew a real preppy girl named Megan who I thought was hot. She didn't like me, though. I ran over her dog on my hummer. I didn't mean to or anything, but I didn't feel bad about it. Her parents used to always complain about how loud I played my Rock Box, since they lived next door. I told them it didn't have a volume knob so there wasn't nothing I could about it. Even if it did, nobody makes Metal Ed turn down his Rock Box. Nobody.

 

Metal Ed on Avril Lavigne

 

I saw that Avril Laveene on the MTV the other day. She had some socks on her arms, which I thought was pretty weird. When I saw her and her band, I thought the song was gonna be all hard and everything. I was in full-on headbang position and everything, poised and ready. Then it was some damn sissy pop crap. I felt betrayed, man.

 

I'd still do her, though.

 

Metal Ed on Triple H

 

I like that Triple H. He's pretty bitchin'. I tried to get my jacket like his, with the leather part over the denim part. It just made it all hot and I couldn't get through doorways. Still, I'd probably get this DVD if I had a DVD player or a VCR or something.

 

Metal Ed on modern technology

 

I don't have a beta player or nothing, either. My ma bought a video camera a couple years ago and we used to put tapes in that and watch 'em through the eye hole. Since I moved out, I ain't seen too many movies.

 

Metal Ed on hitting a girl

 

Metal Ed ain't gonna hit a girl. Unless she asks to be hit, I guess. I punched Wanda in the chest once because she was choking on a tater tot. Didn't really help much.

 

Metal Ed on American Idol

 

These people need to rock harder, man. I watched ten minutes of that American Idol a few weeks ago and I didn't know what was going on. This English guy was being all mean and Paula Abdul was dancin around and stuff. I thought I was maybe having one of those weird episodes I get every once in a while. Then I realized that the show just sucked, so I put some Foreigner in the Rock Box and turned that shit off.

 

ROCK AND ROLL FOREVA, BABY!

 

Metal Ed's conflicting three-way story

 

Me and my buddy Matt were fightin for a little while there over this big chick up at the Wal-Mart. I think her name was Wanda. Matt thought she was diggin' him, but she was all making googly eyes at Metal Ed, dude. I could tell. I almost had to crack his skull when he scratched my Trans Am, man, but turns out she was a pretty cool chick and we did a three way.

 

True story.

 

An Exchange Between Metal Ed and N3CRON

 

Ed: How you rockin' over there, dude?

 

N3CRON: Rock music is for fuckin fags, man. Me? I listen to tha rawest beats. Underground shit, yo. Kno what I'm sayin'?

 

Ed: Hey, dude. Nobody insults rock music around Metal Ed, man. I strangled my Shop teacher for sayin something just like that. My ma likes raw beets, too, though. I bet you'd get along with her pretty well.

 

I ain't feelin the same since that toaster fell on my head. The old Metal Ed woulda cracked your skull by now.

 

N3CRON: What's your beef with Tha N3C? It's people like you who are pushing me closer and closer to destroying all life.

 

Ed: Hey, dude. I know we're cool and everything, so when you do destroy all life could just leave Metal Ed, the big chick up at the Stop and Go, and my Rock Box. Oh, and Ronnie James Dio. That'd be so awesome.

 

N3CRON: I will leave no one, man. I will even end my great existence.

 

Ed: But, dude. It's me! Metal Ed!

 

Metal Ed on smoking

 

I smoke menthols, mostly because they make your throat feel good. I have to do a lot yelling down at the junk yard and most of the time over my Rock Box, so I try to keep my throat good. A lot of people are keeping an eye on Metal Ed, so I'm not going to mention anything else I may smoke. Just don't go peekin' in the right pocket of my jean jacket.

 

Metal Ed on disapproving stares

 

I get some weird stares, man. It might be because of the length of my mullet (I'm hoping for sixteen inches by November) but most of the rock dudes round here have 'em even longer than I do. Usually I get weird stares because I keep the Rock Box up to 10 at all times. You should see how those cops look at me. It don't have a volume knob, though, and Metal Ed doesn't mind how loud it is. One of those cops tried to get in there and turn it down with a pair of tweezers, man. I woulda decked the guy if they didn't already have me cuffed. Nobody fucks with Metal Ed's Rock Box and gets away with it.

[Guest Kinetic]

The Legend of the Rock Box

 

I haven't wrote much since I dropped out in 9th grade, but my buddy Matt asked me to do something for his metal zine, Damage Inc. so I figured I'd help him out. Tell me what y'all think:

 

THE LEGEND OF THE ROCK BOX

by Edward James Bonham III

 

The year is 1993. In a Sanyo factory in Japan, a series of generic jukeboxes come off of an assembly line. The factory workers stare intently at one such jukebox, not sure what to make of it.

 

"Hoy chi wang eechi chow wack looie che pow won," they say in unison. In English, that means "Whoa, dude. That's one rockin' box." For you see, this was no ordinary jukebox. It was what they would call "defective," but a rockin' dude like Metal Ed would call a "Rock Box." Through some freak accident, it came off the assembly line with no volume knob. As a result, it was always set at the maximum volume level...perfect for teeth-shakin', skull-crackin' rock action.

 

The jukebox was then shipped to America, where it wound up in Wausau, Wisconsin's one and only Wal-Mart. It's lack of a volume knob made it undesirable to most consumers and it sat unwanted and unloved until August 13th, 1993. That's the day that Metal Ed--having pocketed some cash being a bystander to an unsuccessful convenience store robbery--came looking for a new box from which to blare his tunes. There it sat...in the electronics department, softly glowing and humming at Ed. He noticed that the defect had put it squarely in his price range and permitted himself to fall in love. Its shape was similar to that of a woman, although Ed didn't notice that until he lost his virginity in his Trans Am in 1996. He purchased the box, christened it the Rock Box, and the rest was history. With the exception of it eating a Candlebox tape in 1994--which was pretty much deserved, as they rocked nowhere near hard enough to deserve a place in his Rock Box--its service has been loyal.

 

The Rock Box continues to function to this day. The best part: I'm Metal Ed. Metal Ed is me. And that Rock Box? All mine. And it's totally bitchin'.

 

The End

 

Metal Ed on Zakk Wylde

 

Zakk Wylde is friggin' awesome, man. I once saw him play a 247 minute guitar solo. Swear to god, man. I timed it and everything. I was bangin' my head the whole time, too, dude. I've got some slight vision problems now and have a little trouble keeping my balance on the bus, but it was totally worth it. I'm willing to sacrifice myself to the ROCK GODS, man. Totally.

 

Yeah, this pop crap is all for sissies anyway. I know for a fact that every radio playing pop on my block stops whenever I rev up my hummer. My Rock Box don't stop for nothin', though, man. It keeps blasting that heavy shit no matter what.

 

A Christmas Message from Metal Ed

 

Christmas has always been a real special time of year for me, even since my pact with Satan. There's somethin about wakin up real early and openin a present--like a real bitchin' album or a weapon or one of them videos of our neighbors fuckin that my dad used to make--that really warms my heart and puts a bounce in my mullet. Some of my best memories is from the holiday season. I remember being little and sittin around on Christmas Eve, waitin for Santa to come till my daddy would told me to get to bed. Then, every year, daddy would catch me peekin for a glimpse of St. Nick and chase me around the house with a switch. Back then was great times for my family. Momma was always real happy on account of her job and that real nice boss of hers, who would always let her stay over when her car would break down every week. That thing was a piece of shit, but we never could figure out what was wrong with it. Daddy was usually too drunk to beat me, so that was pretty righteous. The holiday season was when it would all come together, too. Momma would make somethin real nice, like some turkey loaf and Hungry Jack potaters. My mouth would all get to waterin and daddy would get that real hungry look in his eyes, like when he was about to pull out the switch. We'd eat and talk and laugh, just like one of them families on TV. After dinner, I'd sit around and think of all the dogs I could shoot with a new pistol or how all the chicks at school would dig a big-ass Maiden patch on my jean jacket. Then momma and daddy would head back to their room and crank up some early Van Halen or Aerosmith with the door shut. I figger they was probly talkin about how much I was gonna enjoy their gifts, but they wouldn't never tell me when they came out. At that point, daddy was usually pretty drunk and he'd get to talkin real loud. One year, he sat me on his knee and told me story. "Ed," he said. "I'm gonna tell ya a story. It's about a small town girl, livin in a lonely world. She took the midnight train goin anywhere. Then there was this city boy. Born and raised in South Detroit. He took the midnight train goin anywhere." He went on for a while, but the part that really got me all teary eyed and shit was when he said, "Working hard to get my fill. Everybody wants a thrill. Payin anything to roll the dice just one more time. Some will win. Some will lose. Some were born to sing the blues. That damn movie never ends. It goes on and on and on and on. But don't stop believin. Hold on to that feelin. Streetlight. People." Then he got up on the coffee table and played a pretty bitchin' air guitar solo. I got to bangin my head pretty good and we was really bonding until he threw momma's ashtray through the window and started punchin the ceiling. I ain't never forgot that, though, and I think about it every Christmas, specially since he had that industrial accident.

 

I'll admit that Christmas ain't been the same since daddy died. I still stay up and wait for Santa, but I usually get pretty loaded and fall asleep with my head in the fireplace. I figger that's why I ain't got nothin in a while. There ain't no Christmas feast, neither, on account of me not havin any money. Me and Matt usually split a bag of Cheetos, dependin on whether or not one of us is involved with a big chick who'll buy us somethin else. But I still love Christmas cuz I ain't forgot about the reason for the presents and shit. Whenever I'm feelin that it ain't worth it no more round this time of year, I think of that little baby who was born over 2,000 years ago in Bethesda. I think of that little baby gettin right up out of that manger and walkin across the desert for 40 days and 40 nights to bring silver and gold to...uh...Moses or some shit. I ain't real clear on all the details. I think of that little baby bein all cool and shit and I remember that Christmas ain't just about presents or lights or gettin real drunk. It's about that little baby who grew up to be Jesus and how he used to drop shit down people's chimneys. That reminds me that I love Christmas, even if it don't always love me. So merry Christmas to all y'all that ain't Jews or Kwaanzans or whatever. Hope your celebration is half as magical as mine's fixing to be.

 

Metal Ed talks to Santa Claus online

 

TSMKinetic: Hey, dude.

SantaClaus: Ho! Ho! Ho! Merry Christmas! I'm here on AOL! :-) Everything we talk about here is between you and me! If you want to know more, you can type "privacy".

So, have you been naughty or nice?

 

TSMKinetic: Aside from that shit with the big chick from up to the IHOP keyin my Trans and the skull-crackin that resulted, I been pretty nice. Ain't spent too many nights in jail, I guess.

SantaClaus: Why don't you tell me a little about yourself instead? How old are you?

 

TSMKinetic: Metal Ed is 26, man.

SantaClaus: ;-) O.K. so... to tell me what you want for Christmas, just type, "Ask Santa" and click the "Send" button. :-)

 

TSMKinetic: Ask Santa to give me Night Ranger's second album, a new cassette cleaner for my Rock Box, and a subscription to "Chub."

SantaClaus: Goodness, that's too much for me to read. I'm talking to so may children and their parents. Could you ask me something a little shorter?

 

TSMKinetic: A midget.

SantaClaus: Pardon me?

 

TSMKinetic: A Filipino midget slave.

SantaClaus: Hmm. Why don't you type, "hear music", maybe some music will put you in the Christmas spirit :-)

 

 

TSMKinetic: I don't need no goddamn Christmas music, dude. That shit don't do nothin for Metal Ed. Ain't never heard Slayer do "Silent Night" or nothin like that.

SantaClaus: Would you mind trying to keep you questions to one sentence. I've got the entire world to visit and I'm running out of time. :-D

 

TSMKinetic: You ain't gettin on Metal Ed's good side with this shit. I'm a be waitin at my chimney with a baseball bat for yer fat ass, dude.

SantaClaus: Oh, my. That is a mouthful. I'm so busy typing to so many children, could you send me a slightly smaller note?

 

TSMKinetic: I'm gonna crack your skull, man!

SantaClaus: I'm sad but not broken. I just know that there is so much goodness in people -- and this is the time of the year to let it show.

 

TSMKinetic: I guess yer probly right, dude. If you get me that Night Ranger album, we'll call it even.

SantaClaus: Now, now... That's simply just too much for elves and me to understand in one go. Could you try asking something a little shorter?

 

TSMKinetic: Could I get one of them elves, then? I been lookin for a little dude to pick up my beer bottles and shit.

SantaClaus: I've got a billion children to keep track of -- so could you ask me something a bit more manageable? I'd very much appreciate it.

 

TSMKinetic: A Night Ranger album. "Chub." A midget slave.

SantaClaus: O.K. now, the folks at AOL are trying to help me out but I just cannot make any sense of that. Tell you what, type, "To Do". Christmas spirit in 10 easy steps.

 

TSMKinetic: I ain't followin you, man. Toto was pretty bitchin, though.

SantaClaus: Now, that's not necessary. Just have a little patience and ask me another way.

 

TSMKinetic: I WANT A NIGHT RANGER ALBUM, A SUBSCRIPTION TO "CHUB," AND A FILIPINO MIDGET SLAVE.

SantaClaus: Whoa! Ho! Ho! slow down there! That's quite a lot for a man of my age to wrap his head around. Would you mind trying some shorter questions?

 

TSMKinetic: You sure you can read, dude?

SantaClaus: I'm sorry, I missed that. The elves are just overrunning me with questions. And speaking of elves, I'm sure they wouldn't mind if you asked me about them.

 

TSMKinetic: Is it true that elves are disproportionately well-hung?

SantaClaus: Remember to be good; you never know when an elf is around!

 

TSMKinetic: Cuz he'll attack you with his massive dong?

SantaClaus: Well, I won't argue with you on that.

 

TSMKinetic: Are there female elves? Or is this strictly a Rob Halford scene?

SantaClaus: The elves help me keep track of who's naughty and who's nice. I'm sure you are being nice!

 

TSMKinetic: I'm fixin to crack your skull if you don't give me some straight answers, dude.

SantaClaus: My goodness! =-O Do you really now? Well, you can always type, 'Ask Santa' and I'll be happy to listen to all of your wishes!

 

TSMKinetic: I wish Motley Crue was still together.

SantaClaus: Is that all, now? ;-) Type, 'Ask Santa' and tell me all of your wishes!

 

TSMKinetic: You ain't gonna sic one of them big-dicked elves on me, is ya?

SantaClaus: Here's something you should know about elves; they call a couple of times a year and check in to see how you're doing.

 

TSMKinetic: I ain't got a phone or nothin.

SantaClaus: Ah -- you've got me again. Why don't you type "To Do", it's time to get you in the holiday spirit!

 

TSMKinetic: Nah. I'm sick of this shit.

SantaClaus: I'm only asking you to ask me another way. No need to get so testy.

 

TSMKinetic: Huh. Testy.

SantaClaus: Oh dear. Maybe I should send one of the elves over to lend you a hand? ;-)

Actually, if you try typing 'home' I think I can get this back on track.

 

TSMKinetic: Uh...no thanks. Not even them elves could handle all of Metal Ed.

SantaClaus: All of the elves have been very busy helping me get ready for Christmas. I don't know what I'd do without them.

 

TSMKinetic: You're a sick dude, man.

SantaClaus: Alright now. I'm here to spread Christmas cheer -- so use this time wisely and type carefully. ;-) Here's quick way to get in the Christmas spirit; type, "To Do".

 

TSMKinetic: Later, dude.

SantaClaus: Merry, merry Christmas to you!

 

Metal Ed talks to Santa Claus online pt. 2

 

TSMKinetic: Hey, dude. It's Metal Ed again.

SantaClaus: Ho! Ho! Ho! Merry Christmas! I'm here on AOL! :-) Everything we talk about here is between you and me! If you want to know more, you can type "privacy".

So, have you been naughty or nice?

 

TSMKinetic: I done told you that already. It's me...Metal Ed.

SantaClaus: Why don't you tell me a little about yourself instead? How old are you?

 

TSMKinetic: I done told you that shit already, Santa!

SantaClaus: ;-) O.K. so... to tell me what you want for Christmas, just type, "Ask Santa" and click the "Send" button. :-)

 

TSMKinetic: Well, I was just comin on here to apologize for some of the shit I said to ya last night. I was pretty drunk and I figger I was probly out of line in talkin bout crackin your skull and shit. I ain't forgot that pistol you brought me when I was 8.

SantaClaus: That's simply too much for me. My eyes are tired. Can you ask me something a bit more manageable?

 

TSMKinetic: Well, goddamnit. I'm tryin to be the bigger man here...not that I got a problem with that, if ya get my drift...and apologize for some of that shit that I said. Least you can do is hear me out, dude.

SantaClaus: Goodness, that's too much for me to read. I'm talking to so may children and their parents. Could you ask me something a little shorter?

 

TSMKinetic: Forgive me. I shot twelve dogs with that pistol and I ain't never forgot it.

SantaClaus: My goodness! =-O Do you really now? Well, you can always type, 'Ask Santa' and I'll be happy to listen to all of your wishes!

 

TSMKinetic: Well, I kinda wish that big chick from up to the Wendy's would let me do her.

SantaClaus: You can always type, 'Ask Santa' and I'll be happy to listen to all of your wishes! ;-)

 

TSMKinetic: Ask Santa to loosen the britches on that big mama from up to the Wendy's.

SantaClaus: O.K. Let's go slow for the old guy, please give me one wish at a time. What would you like for Christmas?

 

TSMKinetic: God be damned! I already done tried to tell you a buncha times what I want.

SantaClaus: If you want to try something else, you can take a sneak-peek at the TO-DO list the elves have left for me by typing, well, "To Do". ;-)

 

TSMKinetic: To Do

SantaClaus: I've got my list, here's yours! Type a number and I'll tell you more.

1 - Tell Santa What You Want

2 - Vote for my favorite song

3 - Decorate Your IMs for the Holidays!

4 - Listen to Holiday Music

5 - Find Recipes

6 - Send Holiday Greeting Cards

7 - Give to Charity

8 - Places to visit online

9 - Write to Santa

10 - Holiday Shopping

 

TSMKinetic: I ain't interested in none of that shit. I'm tellin you, Santa. This chick's got ass to Sunday. I seen Mrs. Claus, so I know you can appreciate that. Get her to start comin round to Metal Ed's house and I promise not to break any of them windows at the orphanage no more.

SantaClaus: Whoa! Ho! Ho! slow down there! That's quite a lot for a man of my age to wrap his head around. Would you mind trying some shorter questions?

 

TSMKinetic: Why the hell is you so dumb, dude?

SantaClaus: I'm sorry, I really don't know.

 

TSMKinetic: You should. Fer instance, I ain't too bright on account of me droppin out in the fourth grade.

SantaClaus: Now, now... That's simply just too much for elves and me to understand in one go. Could you try asking something a little shorter?

 

TSMKinetic: All right. When yer goin house to house like you do, you packin heat?

SantaClaus: What do you think?

 

TSMKinetic: I think you'd better be if yer comin to my neighborhood, dude.

SantaClaus: Oh, Dear. It's the elves again isn't it? Try typing "To Do"; I've got a plan to get you in the Christmas spirit.

 

TSMKinetic: Nah, I got some more questions. You ever got some from one of them kid's moms on Christmas, when you're deliverin shit?

SantaClaus: Oh, my. That is a mouthful. I'm so busy typing to so many children, could you send me a slightly smaller note?

 

TSMKinetic: You ever get some on Christmas?

SantaClaus: O.K. now, the folks at AOL are trying to help me out but I just cannot make any sense of that. Tell you what, type, "To Do". Christmas spirit in 10 easy steps.

 

TSMKinetic: Man, them AOL folks is as stupid as you. What I'm asking is if you ever gotten somethin on the side with them milk and cookies.

SantaClaus: I've got a billion children to keep track of -- so could you ask me something a bit more manageable? I'd very much appreciate it.

 

TSMKinetic: Is it true that you used to play bass for ZZ Top?

SantaClaus: Pardon me?

 

TSMKinetic: Did you play bass for ZZ Top? That's what Matt told me.

SantaClaus: I'm afraid you'll need to give me a little more to go on than that. What, what?

 

TSMKinetic: You senile old bastard. Did you ever play bass for ZZ Top?

SantaClaus: Hmm, that's a lump of coal for you.

 

TSMKinetic: That's fixin to be a old man goin back to the North Pole with a crack in his skull.

SantaClaus: Would you mind trying to keep you questions to one sentence. I've got the entire world to visit and I'm running out of time. :-D

 

TSMKinetic: Ah, to hell with ya! I ain't apologizin this time, neither. I had enough of this shit. Later, dude.

SantaClaus: Goodness, that's too much for me to read. I'm talking to so may children and their parents. Could you ask me something a little shorter?

 

 

The End

[Guest Hot NewzWIRE~!]

TIHS SHIT SUX!!!!!!!!!! I WONTE VEN LET MI DAUGHTSRS READ DAT SHIT U R UPTTING OUT TO THESE KIDS!!!!!11111111 MY WIFE WA OFFENDED< SO APOLIGIXZE NOW U IDIOT/

[Guest LooseCannon]

What's with the Metal Ed backlash all of a sudden? I'm still a fan.

[Guest SP-1]

I'm an Ed fan, too. Don't let 'em get you down, Ed. Just crank up the Rock Box, man.

[Your Paragon of Virtue 0]

Banky is always calling people pathetic for whatever reason, especially Kinetic, perhaps in an effort to raise his own confidence, and also since he's never really dug Kinetic's posts anyway. Ah well, not much you can do, I'm still a fan. Too bad GimmickPoster.Com had to die, he had some potential too.

[Patty O'Green 0]

"Metal Ed on his most shameful experience" was pretty funny stuff

[Guest evenflowDDT]

Who/what is Swimfan4u?

[Guest Kinetic]

Swimfan4u was an AIM bot based on a character from the absolutely miserable film "Swimfan." I don't remember how or why I ended up IMing it, but that was Metal Ed's first major project. A star was born.

[Guest Banky]

Banky is always calling people pathetic for whatever reason, especially Kinetic, perhaps in an effort to raise his own confidence, and also since he's never really dug Kinetic's posts anyway. Ah well, not much you can do, I'm still a fan. Too bad GimmickPoster.Com had to die, he had some potential too.

No, I am quite confident and secure with who I am. I just find it weak that someone needs to re-post their previous work. While it may be funny, it reeks of taking themselves, and their gimmick faaaaar too seriously. If that makes me a dick, so be it. The feeling of less is more rings true in this statement. The myth, the legend of Metal Ed was tarnished by this blatent ratings grabbing greatest hits collection.

[Guest Flyboy]

What's with the Metal Ed backlash all of a sudden?

Puppets.

[Guest LooseCannon]

No, I am quite confident and secure with who I am. I just find it weak that someone needs to re-post their previous work. While it may be funny, it reeks of taking themselves, and their gimmick faaaaar too seriously. If that makes me a dick, so be it. The feeling of less is more rings true in this statement. The myth, the legend of Metal Ed was tarnished by this blatent ratings grabbing greatest hits collection.

I don't know, Banky. This seems like the kind of whining you're always accusing Barron of.

[Guest Flyboy]

No, I am quite confident and secure with who I am.  I just find it weak that someone needs to re-post their previous work.  While it may be funny, it reeks of taking themselves, and their gimmick faaaaar too seriously.  If that makes me a dick, so be it.  The feeling of less is more rings true in this statement.  The myth, the legend of Metal Ed was tarnished by this blatent ratings grabbing greatest hits collection.

I don't know, Banky. This seems like the kind of whining you're always accusing Barron of.

Are you saying Banky is a........ hypocrite?!

[Guest Banky]

No, I am quite confident and secure with who I am.  I just find it weak that someone needs to re-post their previous work.  While it may be funny, it reeks of taking themselves, and their gimmick faaaaar too seriously.  If that makes me a dick, so be it.  The feeling of less is more rings true in this statement.  The myth, the legend of Metal Ed was tarnished by this blatent ratings grabbing greatest hits collection.

I don't know, Banky. This seems like the kind of whining you're always accusing Barron of.

Due explain how this is similar to slamming Barron? Barron has never dredged up his past posts. Also, Kinetic is much funnier and entertaining than Barron. I don't think there is anything about the two that is similar. Truth be known, I do find Kinetic funny. I just thought it was kinda weak that he compiled all of his old posts for us. Can I not have an opinion? Is it wrong to not shamelessly kiss ass all of the time?

[Guest Banky]

No, I am quite confident and secure with who I am.  I just find it weak that someone needs to re-post their previous work.  While it may be funny, it reeks of taking themselves, and their gimmick faaaaar too seriously.  If that makes me a dick, so be it.  The feeling of less is more rings true in this statement.  The myth, the legend of Metal Ed was tarnished by this blatent ratings grabbing greatest hits collection.

I don't know, Banky. This seems like the kind of whining you're always accusing Barron of.

Are you saying Banky is a........ hypocrite?!

How am I a hypocrite? You people blanket me with criticisms yet don't have any true evidence. Enlighten me. Please.

[Guest Flyboy]

I didn't say you were.

 

I was asking LooseCannon WAS he accusing you of being a hypocrite.

[Guest LooseCannon]

Due explain how this is similar to slamming Barron? Barron has never dredged up his past posts. Also, Kinetic is much funnier and entertaining than Barron. I don't think there is anything about the two that is similar. Truth be known, I do find Kinetic funny. I just thought it was kinda weak that he compiled all of his old posts for us. Can I not have an opinion? Is it wrong to not shamelessly kiss ass all of the time?

I wasn't comparing Kinetic and Barron. I was comparing you and Barron. I'm not saying you can't have an opinion. I'm not saying Barron can't have an opinion, either. But making a fuss about this sort of thing kinda seems to me to have the same stick-up-your-ass quality that a lot of people get on Barron about. I don't know. I guess we all complain at times when we should just let it go though.

[Guest Banky]

Due explain how this is similar to slamming Barron? Barron has never dredged up his past posts.  Also, Kinetic is much funnier and entertaining than Barron.  I don't think there is anything about the two that is similar.  Truth be known, I do find Kinetic funny.  I just thought it was kinda weak that he compiled all of his old posts for us.  Can I not have an opinion? Is it wrong to not shamelessly kiss ass all of the time?

I wasn't comparing Kinetic and Barron. I was comparing you and Barron. I'm not saying you can't have an opinion. I'm not saying Barron can't have an opinion, either. But making a fuss about this sort of thing kinda seems to me to have the same stick-up-your-ass quality that a lot of people get on Barron about. I don't know. I guess we all complain at times when we should just let it go though.

I made a 2 sentence post. It would have ended there. Barron continues to bitch throughout a whole thread. I just found it very un-Kinetic-like to do this. That is all. Also, I don't complain. I give opinions - its very different. You won't see me taking my griping into every single thread and shoving it down everyones throat. I state it once, and that'll be it.

[Guest IDrinkRatsMilk]

Who really gives two shits? I sure in the hell don't.

[Guest Banky]

Who really gives two shits? I sure in the hell don't.

I don't give 1 shit about you.

[Your Paragon of Virtue 0]

If you gave a shit, dude would probably fuck it, bust on it, than eat it.

 

Yes, Barron is by far the biggest whiner on the boards, but the funny thing is that he probably doesn't realize it.

[Guest IDrinkRatsMilk]

barron defends himself way too much, that's the problem. There are a handful of people, him being the foremost, who feel the need to respond to every little bit of negitively said about them. Fuck em all.