your WWE SMACKDOWN WORKRATE REPORT- 3/6/2003!

[Guest DEAN RASMUSSEN]

Ah Smackdown, the lovely show of free wrestling that comes into my house every week..... Today, I am adamant about the rules of when you should blade.

 

WHAT WORKED-

- Rey Rey is back on TV again and they have a three-way for the title shot. Tajiri has been through some real tragedy recently. I`ve went through that shit once and there is no way to explain to anyone who hasn`t been through it themselves. It`s a bottomless pit of despair and my heart goes out to anyone who goes through it. I`ll save my smart ass remarks for another week. Rey Rey bumps big sliding to the floor and they set up a big Rey Rey-killing three man superplex. Noble hits a SWEET powerslam and makes his presence known. The 619 into the springboard legdrop into the Silver king Springboard dropkick shows how far above everybody else Rey Rey is. The ending was neato, but the match wasn`t even close to being long enough for me to say this was beyond passable.

 

- Los Guerrerros wrestle Chuck Palumbo and somebody. I love Chuck Palumbo- LOOKIT THAT ASS! Chuck chases Chavo while saying ``Gabbagool`` alot in a comical Italian accent, I`m guessing. Johnny The Bull looks like every white guy who wrestles in WWC and await him to put over Eddy Colon with a toprope rana at any moment. Palumbo does a couple of moves that make him look just like Scott Hall- though at no time did he ever pinch the breast of a 57 year old woman while she was sitting in her car. Eddy bumps and bumps and bumps for your pleasure. Palumbo hits the ringpost but doesn`t blade so I am upset, fucking pussy-assed WWE. The finish is fun as Johnny the Bull does a Samoan Slam on Chavo while Eddy hits the Frogsplash as Johnny hits the ground. The postmatch beatdown was PATHETIC. MAKE ME CARE! WE WANT BLOOD. Beat on the fucking babyfaces, you fucking pussies! MAKE ME WANT YOU TO DIE AT THE GUERRERROS` HANDS! JESUS!

 

- TEAM ANGLE comforts Paul E. Angle talks about fucking Stephanie to get Paul E out of the match. Big Show is funny standing there and nodding. Angle is all about fucking Stephanie on screen- as he unbuttons her sweater and unleashes her mighty guns (you know... her arms). If you squint, it looks like Bill Goldberg trying to seduce Jeff Gaylord. That`s right. Jeff Gaylord. Gaylord. Jeff Gaylord.

 

- Mattitude! Fuck Yeah! Aw shit, it`s the boring as fucking boredom Billy the human snooze button Kidman. Kidman bumps big early to help his cause. Matt is all about the suplexes early and I`m hoping that MATTITUDE is TRIUMPHANT AGAIN! Matt with the surfboard but Kidman retaliates with a Lawrence Welk 3 Hour Accordion Special Enzuguiri. Matt bumps onto his testicles to set up the Boring As Sunday SchoolDriver `03 to set up the Emerson Lake and Palmer Solo Album Legdrop. Then he hits the Triptaphen Plancha and kicks out of the Side Effect and Shannon helps his mentor hit a Twist Of Fate and THANK GOD he beats the human Antihistamine to wrestle Rey in a match I`d actually want to see. Kidman is growing on me again. But motherfuck is he boring as a wednesday morning farm report.

 

- THE SECRET ADVENTURES OF AL WILSON:

Al let the emergency brake go and he put in his lucky Best of Earth Wind and Fire tape. He tried not to think about his growing feelings for Glenda. It`s falling into the night and he heads for town. ``Tell the story, morning glory, allllll about the serpentine fire- oh oh ``. Al Wilson checks the switches on the hidden weaponry of his 72 convertible El Dorado. ``Bulletproof glass, rocket launchers, ramrods, flame thrower... good good good... What the....?`` Al`s eyes quickly dart to his rearview mirror and he notices a 1980 Toyota Corona- the precursor to the Corolla. ``Is that a..... man driving? Hmmmmm... I wonder if that is MullKEY that Glenda was talking about...`` Al pulls into a 7-11, seeing if he is actually being followed by the strange man. The El Dorado pulls into the empty parking lot and Al steps out. The Corona pulls into the Hardees across the street and cuts off its lights. The 7-11 clerk is 24. She is mother of two and has been struggling to get by for a while and has been trying her whole life to escape the service industry. Al notices this by seeing the look in her eyes and he dies a little inside.

 

``Hey, chief. Whatcha need?

 

``Hey doll, you got a back door in this place? I got to circle around without being seen from the street.``

 

``I can`t let you back there. It`s for employee`s only.``

 

``Well, you`re an employee, maybe you could give me a tour. Pretend I`m a health inspector. I`m an expert on Smoky Big Bites.`` Al looks straight into her eyes and smiles as she laughs despite herself.

 

``Allright, let me lock up.`` Al Wilson knew what was going to happen this night before he went out the backdoor. He knew that look in a woman`s eyes and what it leads to. He didn`t want to take advantage of a desperate woman working for a living, but he had to get to the Hardee`s parking lot and he didn`t want to endanger the mission. He also knew that what he would give to her would never be matched by any other man in her lifetime.

 

``Walk this way, big man.``

 

2 B CONTINUED, MOTHERFUCKERS.

 

- Undertaker and A-Train was perfectly fine and they made it a modified Southern tag match- with Nathan Jones and Big Show being the worst possible Robert Gibson and Dennis Condrey so it was made better somehow. Plus it didn`t go very long. Why am I so filled with love for UT lately?

 

- Benoit and Rhyno take on TEAM ANGLE and I`m excited. Benoit and Benjamin have a neat little mat sequence before Benoit and Rhyno KILL Benjamin with a double shoulder block. Benoit and Rhyno are a really fun tagteam and very long feud with TEAM ANGLE would be great. Benoit recieves the HEAT SEGMENT~! and Hass is happy to be wrestling Chris motherfucking Benoit- as Benoit makes him look godlike for aminute there. TEAM ANGLE cheats to win as Rhyno is finally subdued from his flurry of lariats and suplexes by Hass with a handful of hair. Benjamin hits a really nice superkick for a nearfall and they go to that commercial for that remake of RAMBO-FIRST BLOOD with Tommy Lee Jones. We return to Haas bumping big for Rhyno before they make with the double team and go for Rhyno`s neck. Haas with the Strangle Hold Gamma and cuts off Rhyno`s attempt to counter with a lariat and a tag. Benjamin makes with the Regal Cravate and I am in love with the wrestling stylings of Shelton Benjamin. Rhyno is great as face in peril and Benoit should probably do more to get the crowd behind Rhyno`s comeback. TEAM ANGLE do every double team they can think of until Rhyno finally hits a Spinebuster to get the hot tag. Benoit suplexes the living breathing fuck out of Haas while in the process of throwing Benjamin into the ringpost. Rhyno bumps big for Benjamin over the railing and Haas procures the upside down Indian Death Lock on Benoit after Benoit fights out twice until Rhyno makes the save. Rhyno destroys Benjamin with GORE GORE GORE GORE GORE! and flies over the toprope to the floor from Haas` lariat maybe? Benoit swarms on Haas with a Crossface and gets Haas to tap. This was fucking fun. I want this fued. You want this fued. Rhyno was great in this, bumping like a freak. Fun fun fun!

 

- Heyman vs Lesnar works because they did the tale of the tape. Lesnar gets jumped early. EVERYBODY goes facefirst into the cage but NOBODY BLADES?!?!?! WHAT THE FUCK? Then Angle is a MAN and blades like Tomiaki Honma and I am satiated in my bloodlust. Heyman doesn`t take the top of the cage bump that Sherri Martel would have taken but it was about as good as you could get from this match. So, Angle is going to be at Wrestlemania afterall?

 

WHAT DIDN`T WORK-

 

- Nidia visits the Playboy mansion and I`m supposed to be tittilated- my winky was to be all tingly with naughty bawdy fun! Fuck that shit. Playboy is for latent homosexual fratboys who are scared of a penis in their pornography- so fuck them and fuck Playboy. If she went to visit Larry Flint`s house or the HIGH SOCIETY mansion, well that`s another story. Josh gawks at Nidia`s big fake titties.

 

- Hulk Hogan FINALLY looks gay with the fuzzy boas, walking down the hall. You shouldn`t have work on a look for twenty years before you pull it off. Plus he is bitchy about things that Vince said about him. Unless they arm wrestle over a French whisk and end up in a Last Man In Chaps match, I could really give a fuck. At least Hogan and mcMahon talk at length so I can write the Al Wilson segment.

 

- Undertaker and Nathan Jones have a Tough Enough moment for some reason. Where are the hysterical RIBS?! HAHAHA! Will Nathan Jones get LEGIT~! stiffed and beaten by Bob Holly? Will he get breast implants? Why was that in front of a paying crowd? WHA?

 

THERE YOU HAVE IT.

 

DEAN RASMUSSEN.

[Guest Goodear]

Normally I'd say something bitter and resentful here ... but George Bush killed my buzz. So, uhm, Rhyno and Benoit should feud with Los Guerreros.

[Guest Your Olympic Hero]

So, Angle is going to be at Wrestlemania afterall?

No... he will lose to Brock next week, who will defend against Benoit? at Wrestlemania. I'm not sure though.... Benoit can't work the main event style and he's way too small for the main event of "The Showcase of the Immortals". I think maybe that youngster the Undertaker should work the main.

[Guest RavishingRickRudo]

DEEEEEEEEEEAN!!!!!! You frikken tease. With all this war and conflict in the middle east we all could use some love right now... Al Wilson love... Al "It's Ten Thirty, let's talk dirty. It's half past 10, let's do it again. It's 30 to Eleven, My lovin sends it's regards from Heaven. So let's stop the talkin and straight up fuck." Wilson love... DEAN, why can't you deliver this love to us NOW?!

 

I am expecting mullKEY to interupt the love makin session and Al whips out a gun and fires all the while having an orgasm while giving an orgasm.. then the clueless clerk makes some remark and Al says something along the line of "i never miss, dollface."

[Guest DEAN RASMUSSEN]

DEEEEEEEEEEAN!!!!!! You frikken tease. With all this war and conflict in the middle east we all could use some love right now... Al Wilson love... Al "It's Ten Thirty, let's talk dirty. It's half past 10, let's do it again. It's 30 to Eleven, My lovin sends it's regards from Heaven. So let's stop the talkin and straight up fuck." Wilson love... DEAN, why can't you deliver this love to us NOW?!

 

I am expecting mullKEY to interupt the love makin session and Al whips out a gun and fires all the while having an orgasm while giving an orgasm.. then the clueless clerk makes some remark and Al says something along the line of "i never miss, dollface."

There is always next week.

 

DEAN.

[Guest RavishingRickRudo]

Al Wilson wouldn't say that... Al would say there is only today and you gotta take a hold of the now and never let go. Next Week is not in his vocabulary because in his line of work Next Week is an improbability. Next Week is just a rainbow - you can't touch it, you can't hold it and you can't taste it... all you can do is chase it. Next Week? Hmph. More like "DEAN is uncertain as to how the Mack Daddy's love will effect this board and is afraid that people may become jealous..."

[Guest SP-1]

DEAN, I am secure enough in my heterosexuality to say that I LUH YEW. I look forward to your report more than the show itself.

[Guest DEAN RASMUSSEN]

Spider Poet, I love you too. You are the wind beneath my wings and stuff.

 

DEAN.

[Guest Banky]

I can't believe he dissed Cena for the second week in a row.

 

Dean - should Cena face Lesnar at WM? Tell me what I want to hear.

[Guest DEAN RASMUSSEN]

I can't believe I glossed over the Cena thing again. I was going to say something and then I started eating an apple or something. And he shouldn't wrestle Lesnar until he takes off a little more. It would kill his momentum now.

 

DEAN.

[Guest Banky]

I can't believe I glossed over the Cena thing again. I was going to say something and then I started eating an apple or something. And he shouldn't wrestle Lesnar until he takes off a little more. It would kill his momentum now.

 

DEAN.

Yea, he'll be off for 3 more weeks until Wrestlemania to face Lesnar.....

 

I know, I know - I'm the king of wishful thinking.

[Guest SP-1]

I will say this, Banky: when Cena breaks out, I'll defend you as his biggest supporter on the boards. I'm waiting for him to shoot up too, just don't see it happening now. I do think '03 is Cena's time though.

[Guest Banky]

I will say this, Banky: when Cena breaks out, I'll defend you as his biggest supporter on the boards. I'm waiting for him to shoot up too, just don't see it happening now. I do think '03 is Cena's time though.

Thats all i wanted. My work is done here.

 

I am Cena's #1 supporter.

[Guest RavishingRickRudo]

Cena doesn't shoot up?

 

Coulda fooled me.

 

What kind of Apple DEAN? Inquiring minds...

[EL DANDY~! 0]

DEAN, SpiderPoet is my tag team partner, so I can I please have some non-homoerotic luv from YEW, please? i'd really appreciate it, oh, and may I blow as many loads as the great pimp daddy that is Al Wilson...

[Guest DEAN RASMUSSEN]

I give you every aspect of my love, young El Dandy.

 

DEAN.

[Guest Rob Edwards]

I can't believe I glossed over the Cena thing again. I was going to say something and then I started eating an apple or something. And he shouldn't wrestle Lesnar until he takes off a little more. It would kill his momentum now.

 

DEAN.

Agreed he needs to go over the many useless mid card faces kicking around first, Rikishi would be a nice start considering the rap vs dance angle they could go for

[Guest Polish_Rifle]

i don't think Eddie, Rhyno and Benoit should be wasted in the tag division at a time when Smackdown is in need of credible top notch singles wrestlers.

 

I wouldn't mind seeing Taker/Jones v Show/Albert at Mania though, so I can get all that crap out of my system just once during the night.

[Guest Brian]

I think they should go with Taker/Brock. It has the built in storyline and Taker's been motivated lately.

[Guest RavishingRickRudo]

.... There's a guy named Jeff Gaylord?

[Guest notJames]

.... There's a guy named Jeff Gaylord?

Race car driver, I think.

[Guest Lord of The Curry]

Pfffff. The greatest race car driver of all time is Dick Trickle.

 

Gaylord fears Trickle.

[Guest RavishingRickRudo]

How could a Gaylord hate a dick? especially a Dick Trickle?

[Guest Lord of The Curry]

That my friend, I don't think the world will ever know.

[Guest notJames]

Dick Trickle sounds like a venereal disease.

[Guest RavishingRickRudo]

Sounds like a german name...

[EL DANDY~! 0]

I am thoroughly waiting the day when Trickle's name gets messed up on a screen and that R gets dropped, it will be a great day for joke playing in this country...

[Guest Spaceman Spiff]

i don't think Eddie, Rhyno and Benoit should be wasted in the tag division at a time when Smackdown is in need of credible top notch singles wrestlers.

But is Benoit's arm at 100%? Unless it is, tagging is probably the best thing for him to prevent a worsening of his injury.

 

As for Rhyno, he's just getting back from a lengthy time off. Tagging is good for him right now so he can work on his timing and getting back in the flow.

[Guest DEAN RASMUSSEN]

Plus they show signs of fucking RULING as a tagteam.

 

DEAN.

[Guest AndrewTS]

Unfortunately, if Brock wins the title, who is going to challenge him, with Benoit in the tag division?

 

I see hosses in Brock's future. *Ugh*