DEATH VALLEY DRIVER VIDEO REVIEW #142!

March 12, 2003

The BEAUTY PAIR! collides! JERRY ESTRADA! EL SATANICO! One will be bald! TAKESHI! contra TAKESHI! RAN YUYU! BILLY GASPAR! BARRY GASPAR! JIM HILLBILLY! And other things about the wrestling...

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WELCOME TO DEATH VALLEY DRIVER VIDEO REVIEW #142

The quest for seven continues. That goal shall be met. It is a struggle though. Some of us are funny in both the DVDVR and our workrate reports. Some of us are just funny in the DVDVR. Some of us are just funny in the workrate reports. And some of us aren't funny at all. Where each party falls is up to the judgment of you, the gentle reader. God have mercy on us all.

~!~

ALL JAPAN WOMEN - circa 1979

(by DEAN RASMUSSEN)

Phat Ass Dave Layne is friends with the Most Annointed Potentate of Joshi Puroresu, the venerable and brilliant Tim Whitehead. Tim owed Dave a tape from some past tape that Dave sent him and Dave asked for some 70s All Japan Women- since we have all read about it but hardly anyone in the US has ever seen it. Whitehead delivered in spades and I am friends with Dave and thus I borrowed it from Dave because that's what friends are for. Keep Smilin! Keep Tryin'! Knooooowin' you can ALLLWAYS count on meeeeeeee! That's whaaat friends are fooooooor! As you can imagine, I love this tape passionately.

The Beauty Pair (Jackie Sato/ Maki Ueda) vs. Monster Ripper/ Mami Kumano

Mami has the fucking balls to the wall cape that YOU must have. Ripper is the late Rhonda Singh and she is slim(ish) here and I would definately say she is Rubenesquesly mountable at this point - if one were into that kind of thing- and if you are, feel free to keep it to yourself. Kumano and Ripper cheat like motherfuckers- pulling Sato's hair, punching her in the face, kneeing her in stinkin' troat. Ripper actually resembles Sugar Sato with Sato's current offense and I'm now assuming that Sugar is actually doing a Monster Ripper gimmick in GAEA currently. Ripper's punches look great and they lead into her comical Bellybuck Based offense well. (I will be using the term "bellybuck" extensively in this review and in the GAEA reviews down yonder. For those who don't know, "Bellybucking" was fad in the 70s during the trucker/CB/Smokey and the Bandit craze. It was like Sumo in that the point was to knock your opponent out of a circle, but the only thing you could use for a weapon was your ample trucker gut. Thus, two truckers would be rutting against each other trying to bash the other with his stomach, using leverage, strength, fat and strategy to position his opponent out of the circle. It's a lost artform. Probably.) Maki Ueda is a beauty, I suppose, but actually Mami is the one I would most like to inseminate with my 70s-style SuperSport-and-Brass Construction-styled love, she's all evil and vixenish and giving that good girl all the guff she can handle. Jackie fights like a motherfucker to save Maki from getting double teamed and beaten to death. She is a true ball of fire, slapping and punching like a Sarah Plain and Tall FINALLY getting in some payback for all the good-looking guys wanting to go out with the skanky sluts across the ring.

(HOLY FUCK! 1970s JAPANESE COMMERCIALS! Contac Cold tablets. Japanese baseball stars hawking soup. )

Second fall, Ueda and Ripper square off. Ripper is all about inciting the schoolgirls in the arena by being foreign and evil and bitchy- allowing the queens of mayhem to catch Ueda off guard. Mami starts beating her with this metal thing (stapler? vacuum cleaner tube? Inanimate carbon rod?) and they are gleeful in their evil as they dish out their poky, kicky, hateful form of punishment - finally getting payback on those good girls that sneer and call them sluts just because they know how to have a good time. Fucking squares. Ueda is great at selling the ass-beating all the way up to the hot tag. Jackie comes in and they do some comical double teaming - never quite getting the double shoulderblock down. Jackie hits a great superkick and two released belly-to-backs for the pin for the second fall. I'm assuming that the two released Belly-to-Back suplexes were one of those moves that the women invented and the men picked it up ten years later because they look really nasty and dangerous - even with the full rotation before the landing. Ripper is great, looking all incensed while riling up the teenagers in the stands.

Ueda starts the third fall with those WOW-type hairpulling jumping takedown things and she's doing pretty good until Ripper cheats and kills her with a marveloulsly giant clubbing forearm. The ref gets lariated over the top by Ripper and they decide to just kill the Beauty Pair and they spill it into the stands. They make it back and Ripper fights a bodyslam attempt by Ueda so Jackie comes in and they do the double slam. Ueda gets in a Samoan Slam like thing (more like those vestigal and archaic lucha slams that look so weak when you watch lucha; it's where they get them up like a Death Valley Bomb but just kinda throw the opponent in front of them) and then Jackie tags in to finish Ripper off. Luckily, Mami runs in and cheats like a complete motherfucker and they start laying into Jackie with all the evil they can muster - my favorite being Mami standing on the toprope and hanging Ueda by her hair. owie owie owie! Ripper does the My Gigantic Ass Avalanche as Mami holds Ueda upside down in the corner and then Ripper does it again and Ueda is dead and is pinned. Jackie is heartbroken and carries her from the ring, her eyes cutting back to her hated vanquishers, a look that Chigusa will later create an entire career with. You know, 1970s wrestling was a lot more fun than most wrestling.

Maki Ueda/ Lucy Kayama/ Tomi Aoyama vs. Mami Kumano/ Maria Figuroa/ Charito Silva

Charito Silva and Maria Figuro are absolutely amazing as the two most evil lunchladies EVER - portly, short, probably wearing support hose under their tights, faces that say they have imbribed a lot of cheap scotch and smoked a lot of cigarettes. They truly are the Total Packages. First fall, Mami says FUCK YOUR WORLD AND ALL THE PEOPLE IN IT and beats everyone with a chair. Kayama makes with the judo flips and the lucha submissions- looking all the world like the Japanese pre-cocaine McKenzie Phillips in a lime sherbet colored one piece and gets the first fall with the Mexican Ceiling Hold on her actual luchadora opponent- as the first fall is quick and furious. Second fall, Lunchlady Maria carves up Tomi Aoyama's Melissa Sue Gilbert-level wholesome good looks with a stick and starts choking her with it and beating the hell out of her all through the crowd and it's like Tomi was the hot French teacher who finally bitched about the greenbeans ONE TOO MANY TIMES and Mrs Figuroa finally snapped. "You don't like the fucking GREENBEANS?!?! Who about if i season it with your PRETTY FACE!" It fucking rules when you think of it that way. Good old lunchladies giving me the extra chicken sammich. Stupid French teacher, making me conjugate verbs. Stupid internet making me write creepy fantasy analysis of poor unassuming 1970s lady wrestlers. Charito does these little elbow smashes that are too adorable but oh so deadly- as if she burned a whole tray of apple fritters at lunch and was looking for violent nighttime closure. "GODDAM APPLE FRITTERS! TAKE THE FULL MEASURE OF MY ELBOW! I ! AM! EMPOWERED! NOW!" Then young Ueda says, "aw, fuck you, Mami" and starts snapmaring and bodyslamming her and judo flipping her until Ueda goes too far and lets her rage get the best her as she misses a double knee in the corner. Charito (with the Moe cut) throws really great unppercuts and Tomi sells them like she's been hit in the throat with a lead pipe. The technicos make with the triple tope suicidas that allow Ueda and Mami to beat the living dogcrap out of each other and so it spills into the crowd again as everybody is beating the hell out of everybody else. Luckily, Lucy had the presence of mind to be in the ring while every one else was counted out and thus getting the win. Yeah, I love this tape.

Jackie Sato vs. Monster Ripper

Jackie tries to contain the power of Ripper through wrestling and it doesn't work for the most part. Ripper works on her neck with a Stationary Reverse Ace Crusher Submission hold and that naturally allows Monster Ripper to start doing a lot of choke variations. Ripper then starts using her superior strength to overpower Jackie in a knuckle lock struggle and she then flows smoothly into a Ripper headlock. Then Ripper no longer gives a shit about subtlety and scientific wrestling and starts wailing on Jackie with fists of fury and body slamming her, leading her to go back to work on her neck hair-pull-assisted Reverse Chinlock sequence. Ripper goes all Bellybuck-crazy on Jackie's ass and then says "My heinie is IMMENSE!" and smashes her with an impressive series of Gloot-based Avalanches. Ripper goes from Front Chancery to a Choke Over The Toprope and floats over into a Full Nelson into a Bear Hug into a bunch of cheating in the ropes. Ripper is chockfull of odd chain wrestling sequences and peppers it all with kicks and punches- so you can imagine how much I love the woman who would later become the disgrace that was Bertha Faye. She is like a pre-cursor to Aja and Devil and the ilk of big gal carriers of youngsters - though she is a rookie in this match herself. I'm trying to figure out why she ever left Japan because she was really effective in the style (going by the four matches I've seen with her in them). I remember reading the great interview she had with Slam! sports and I don't think she ever explained why she went back to obscurity and misuse in North America. Jackie sells this ass-beating really well, making up for some of the tentativeness of the rookie Ripper. Jackie makes with the standing headscissors that forces Mami to come in and try to break up. Jackie hits the impressive bodyslam - as Ripper isn't nearly as big as she was in WWF but she is twice the size of Jackie Sato - and goes straight back into the headscissors that brings Mami back into the ring. Jackie hits an even more impressive body slam, as Ripper is Vadering and Ajaing the big moves make a master, and Jackie decides to give Ripper a taste of the spoiler and tries to strangle Ripper with a tagrope. Ripper escape death by choking and throws Jackie off the toprope and starts busting Jackie's face on the mat until Jackie can procure a momentary reprieve with an abdominal stretch. Mami runs in and breaks it up so Ueda starts beating on Mami as Jackie is a full babyface inferno of assbeat. Ripper and Jackie take it to the streets with Jackie taking most of the punishment, going facefirst into a table repeatedly. Jackie beats the count but walks into a Ripper chinlock and two Ripper bodyslams. Ripper does these Short Bellybucks that Jackie counters with a rollup, but Ripper cuts her off and starts HITTING HER IN THE HEAD WITH A WRENCH! Ah, the 70s.... Jackie doesn't blade and I'm wondering why? Was Chigusa the first to blade in women's wrestling? I'm trying to remember all the Jaguar and Devil matches from the 1980s tapes. Jackie gets the wrench away but fights with the ref thus allowing Mamai and Ripper to double team her. Jackie holds on to the wrench and no longer gives a fuck about YOU or your FUCKING RULES or WHAT KIND OF CLOTHES YOU WEAR and does the fucking GREAT wrench thrust into the Adam's apple of Ripper. Then she just bashes Ripper's skull with a wrench all around ringside. They get inside and start punching each other in the chest and Jackie is fucking INSANE as she beats the shit out of Ripper and then starts crushing the skull of the hapless Mexican rudo ref with punches and bodyslams. SHE IS THE LAW! Post-DQ, everybody tries to kill everybody else all through the crowd. Jesus Christ, I love this shit.

The Queen Angels (Tomi Aoyama/ Lucy Kayama) sing "Roaring Love"

So many dance moves to steal, so many uses of vest and scarf. The song "Roaring Love" is kind of an ode to the Andrea True Connection, with the sass of real disco but also the undercurrent of Tin Pan Alley. Dig the Latin hustle section. Dig the final pose. You must own this.

Jackie Sato/Nancy Kumi/Tomi Aoyama vs. The Black Pair (Yumi Ikeshita/Mami Kumano)/ Charito Silva

Charito looks far more John Belushi-like in this match. Yumi Ikeshita looks like she is cold and shivery, a cuteness that counteracts her pure EVILNESS. Mami has these blond highlights on each side and I'm wondering if she ever dated my uncle Henry in 1976 as she looks like she would slow dance to Billy Swan's "I Can Help" at the Endzone bar and grill on Commerce street in South Norfolk, Virginia. So imagine how in love I am. Go ahead, imagine it. Imagine how in love you will be. Ikeshita takes the first fall by hitting a sssssssWEET toprope springboard hurricanrana on Jackie for the fall - a move that I thought was a Misterio move, but Huricane Ramirez may have done it during the time period, who could be sure? No. Not I.

(1970s commercial! DIGITAL WATCHES! WHAT THE FUCK! IT'S JUST NUMBERS! What an age we lived in... )

Second fall is Tomi taking the Black Pair Beatdown. Charito says, "To-ga! To-ga! To-ga!" while headbutting Tomi in the stomach. Mami is just vicious with the pencil to the throat and the eye-gouge facebuster. She puts the pencil in her Place The Ref Cannot Check and it is Great. GOD! Mami is fucking psychotic with the overhead AxeStab to the back of Tomi's head and this can stand no more and she is DQed. Tomi is terrified, Mami is filled with disgust with a society that would produce pencils but won't let you jam them into the back of people's heads. Fucking society. Bunch of pussies. Third fall, Nancy Kumi is all nifty on her pins (as the British say in the movie - THE FULL MONTY) and makes with the Lone Ranger monkey flip offense- which Jackie follows up with the most feminine gorilla slam ever. Mami says, "Fuck you, all you fucking fannypants" and starts beating the crap out of Jackie outside the ring. Charito gets Jackie in a Crossface Chickenwing but Jackie fights out of it and starts body slamming everyone. Nancy does an adorable giant swing but Jackie misses the toprope splash on Yumi Ikeshita. They all hit the ropes and when the roll-ups are over, Jackie has Yumi pinned in a roll-up for the 1-2-3. Mami is a fucking GODDESS of pure EVIL.

Jackie Sato vs. Maki Ueda

Tim Whitehead say, "Legendary 'loser must retire' match from 2/27/79 at the Budokan, ending the Beauty Pair era." Remi Yakota is waiting in the wings to create modern wrestling but meanwhile, the old style dies a beautiful death as the Beauty Pair square off in this - a really neat display of 70s old school wrestling that stays on the mat for a majority of the match and then starts hitting bigger and more dynamic moves towards the end. The psychology of the match isn't face/heel since half the schoolgirls want one of the Beauty Pair to win, while the other half want the other member of Beauty Pair to win. But the HEAT~! is fucking through the roof since the stipulation feeds directly into one of the popular members of the tag team retiring, so every move has heightened meaning. Sato cranks into a headlock but Ueda counters out into an armbar with added knees to the arm - as she establishes the story of the match: both will try to make the other submit with work on the arm, but since they are so evenly matched, such a simple plan of attack isn't enough. Jackie tries but cannot escape as Ueda rides her down to the mat into a Lucha stretching submission, her hand cupped and pulling back under Jackie's chin, her other hand pulling Jackie's ankle back and Ueda's knee driving into Jackie's back. Jackie makes the ropes while in a body scissors after she tries to power out of the submission after Maki had morphed it into a keylock, as these two do lots of really great archaic carny matwork that I haven't seen since Mid-Atlantic TV. Ueda goes back to the armbar and reinforces it with a judo flip while never relinquishing the hold. Sato escapes and hits that 70s hold where it's like a Crucifix but Jackie actually having a body scissors on Ueda's arms while they are pulled behind her back. Ueda escapes and snapmares to a comeback but Sato cuts her off. Sato comes off the mat with a double armbar procured and goes into assorted armbars- with slamming, clubbing blows hailed down on the shoulder at various times. Eventually, Sato does the cool ass all fudge armbar, into a keylock across the face of Ueda that keylocks into a Cobra Clutch- which SOMEONE needs to steal. Ueda escapes by hitting the ropes and we are even, with both knowing that the arm work is getting both nowhere if it hasn't done one of them in by now. They do a sequence of knucklelocks that goes into a keylock sequence where Ueda goes on offense after bridging out of pinning attempt and starts a couple of variation off the initial Indian Deathlock. Sato escapes on the ropes and comes back with a headscissors and Ueda makes the ropes and they go back to a vertical base. Ueda gets a nearfall after hitting a vertical suplex but they both throw the matwork out the window as Jackie kills Ueda with her frontkicks. Ueda punches out of the predicament and Jackie escapes the ring after a series of slams has her in trouble. Ueda follows her out and they slam each other's faces into the ringside tables. Jackie catches her coming back in and goes for the kill. She hits a vertical suplex and follows it with an atomic drop and goes for a Boston Crab for the win - but Ueda counters by grabbing one of Sato's legs before Sato can turn her, but Ueda is dead from the rest of the match and Jackie but turns it into roll up for the pin. Ueda is forced to retire and the schoolgirls are absolutely heartbroken. The Beauty Pair get together and sing one of their hits but both are too broken up to finish. You want every fucking second of this match.

~!~

CLASSIC LUCHA – March 1990

(by PHIL RIPPA)

Angel Azteca vs. El Dandy

This is what we have been building too for two weeks now. I am giddy. Yup, it’s 100 % percent official – tales of the tape/intro bios are the way to go for all matches. Azteca has chosen to wear a black and silver combo to today’s proceedings while Dandy has shed the short shorts in favor of ling blue tights. This must be his blowoff feud outfit. Before the whistle we start with the brawling but as soon as it blows both guys dive back into the ring and start to get it on, wrestling style. The advantage is Dandy’s to start, as he is able to get something that is damn close to a rear naked choke. Azteca fights and fights and makes the ropes. Looking for a rest, he slips to the outside only to get wasted by Dandy. Azteca shows his FIGHTING SPIRIT~! as he starts to whip Dandy into the aluminum??? ring apron. Dandy’s punches back to almost choke and hey, that La Magistral just got El Dandy a one fall lead.

Early into the second fall, Dandy misses a charge into the corner and losses the advantage. He isn’t a quick learner. But, alas, Angel Azteca is having his problems maintaining an offensive flow. Azteca, seething with rage, finally gets some sustained offense and uses it to choke the life out of El Dandy eventually forcing the ref to tear him off. Yet another advantage lost. Ah, there we go, Azteca counters a whip into a Russian leg sweep and.... there is the submission. Even at two falls apiece though Azteca has no right to still be in it with his performance so far.

Azteca’s impetuousness hurts him to begin the final caida as he misses a blind dropkick and Dandy starts brining the heat. On to the floor and Azteca is thrown so hard in the ring apron of death that he ends up looking like he was giving it a BUTT BUTT. Our Mayan- Inca friend sells it like white hot death. Dandy lures the hurting Azteca into a butterfly backbreaker with the flash handshake and we all start to wonder who will get the honors of pushing the masked one around in a wheelchair. Of course, I talk about the raging hate that Azteca has for Dandy forgetting that Dandy is a cauldron himself. He almost costs himself the match as he drags Azteca around the ring by his eye hold. Hmmm... Azteca is starting to irritate me now as he abandoned selling the back and sure is doing a big bunch of popping up and transition to offense. He misses a rolling senton and then takes a vicious knee drop and gets put into the Camel Clutch. Of course, he immediately counters with his own Camel clutch completely forgetting that he shouldn’t be able to feel his own toes. Dandy is all about forcing Azteca to sell the back as he breaks out a sweet looking belly to back suplex with a bridge. That brings us to the questionable two count portion of the match where the ref counts are all absurd to make sure he doesn’t actually get to three and the crowd brings the catcalls because they know El Dandy should have won. HEY! Big ass tope from Azteca puts Dandy a couple rows deep. You too can check out the styling hat of the drug lord in the front row. A woozy Dandy tries to get himself back into the match with a pescada – this, boys and girls, was not smart. Inadvertently or not, Dandy eats one of Azteca’s knees on the way down. Confused, Dandy tries another charge into the corner – this time getting catapulted into the top turnbuckle. JESUS! a second tope from Azteca. Same exact spot and Dandy back bumps into the second row. No more Azteca hating in this match. Oh no, not the double countout. Oh yeah, it’s the double countout. We tease five more minutes but the ref has none of it. Okay, I gotta check the next matchlist of Fredo’s page to see where this is leading too.

Mil Mascaras/Dos Caras/Sicodelico vs. Ken Timbs/Policia De Los Angeles

This should be.... interesting. Mils looks all fired up. Sicodelico does not. At least he has the cool mask. The novelty has worn off on the Timbs/Policia fun. Having them on every single week will do that. At least, they are sticking to the attempts at wrestling instead of the random brawling. That is at least making this passable. Yeesh, this is a lengthy first caida. Okay, the comedy equals end of the caida. Poor poor bungling Policia.

I was trying to get into this match and then Policia II (or I) which ever one would be considered the chunky one blows a small package not once but twice. I love Dos Caras and all but enough of this. This is the worst AWA mid card match ever.

Jerry Estrada vs. El Satanico - Hair Match (3/23/90)

Hair, Hair, Hair, Hair, Hair

Hair, Hair, Hair. Flow it. Show it. Long as God can grow it. My hair.

Exact match date courtesy of Jose’s La Arena

Oh yeah baby. We hit the ground running as Estrada takes an enormous Jerry Bump right at the start and Satanico does a hip buster clothesline thingy. He ain’t losing his flowing locks. First caida to Satanico in maybe a minute flat. Estrada is reeling and only a few seconds from losing the perm.

Give me a head with hair, long beautiful hair.

Shining, gleaming, streaming, flaxen, waxen.

Give me down to there hair, shoulder length or longer

Here baby, there, momma, ev'rywhere, daddy, daddy.

It almost happens too as Jerry barely rolls the shoulders to avoid a three count on a backslide. Satanico is whipping that ass. Estrada buys himself some time with two boots to Satanico’s not so pretty mug and a couple of punches. Estrada brings the fight to the floor in the hopes that the change of scenery helps. It eventually does, though Jerry ends up four rows deep in a running theme of the match. Estrada is dicking his way into the advantage including the nasty attempt to pull out Satanico’s plugs. Aww... Estrada blew a bulldog spot and they then repeated the spot. Oh that’s not good. Anyway, the second caida ends with Estrada doing a sad looking tope con hilo that turns deadly as Satanico doesn’t really catch him so Jerry splats himself on the floor. No matter though as Satanico gets counted out complaining about a hurt foot.

I want long, straight, curly, fuzzy, snaggy, shaggy, ratty, matty,

oily, greasy, fleecy, shining, gleaming, streaming, flaxen, waxen,

knotted, polka dotted, twisted, beaded, braided,

powered, flowered and confettied, bangled, tangled, spangled and spaghettied.

The third and final fall is where things really pick up – as they should, considering this is a hair match and all. Estrada is enraged and spends a good portion at the beginning of the decisive caida trying to separate Satanico from his arm. There are moments where Satanico tries to mount the furious one-armed comeback but it ain’t flying. So he says, "fuck it", head butts Estrada to the floor and unleashes the middle rope tope, which is awesome, and drops Estrada two rows back. Oh yeah, everyone is fired up now. Estrada rallies and he almost manages to capture a second fall via countout after he plasters Satanico with a splash from the top turnbuckle to the floor. Poor poor Jerry gets all cocky and confident in his flying and proceeds to miss a top rope senton. Then he tries another and here is where it gets all sorts of bizarre and weird as someone – a crazed fan? an unmasked Villano? Antonio Pena? Caesar Chavez? – charges the ring, latching himself to Estrada’s leg as he goes to the top one more time. Maybe he knew something because when Estrada finally gets to the top, he misses the diving headbutt. Satanico is quick to capitalize, procuring the pendulum hold. The fight is not out of Estrada yet, as the permed one fights out and even manages to apply a Boston Crab. Satanico isn’t in as bad of shape though and he can fight that off. And then it happens. Out of nowhere, Satanico blocks the attempt of a hiptoss and counters into a backslide that befuddles Estrada long enough that he won’t be keeping his hair.

The barber shows with jacket but sans scissors on the jacket. The removal of hair is a lengthy process considering the locks that Estrada has. Big old chucks are cut out and Estrada take turns congratulating and hating on each other.

Hair, Hair, Hair, Hair, Hair

Hair, Hair, Hair. Flow it. Show it. Long as God can grow it. My hair.

~!~

GAEA 11/22/2002 - PART ONE

(by DEAN RASMUSSEN)

RanYuYu/Carlos Amano vs. KAORU/ Mayumi Ozaki

I'm so stoked that Ran YuYu is able to make a living wrestling now. I'm glad she gets to wrestle the EVEN HOTTER THIS MONTH KAORU and OZ. We join them in progress with KAORU and Oz cheating like a couple of cheaters- cheaters you would want to kiss, cheaters you would want photograph as they kissed each oth... I'll stop. Ran YuYu takes the sexiest moonsault from KAORU and the sexiest shotay from OZ and then KAORU starts whacking her with a board and cheating and pissing off the hard-assed-yet-alluring ref and it's out of control early. KAORU ducks a Ran YuYu-level Ran YuYu killing forearm and the ref takes the full brunt of the horrible devastating Ran YuYuness of the horror and crumples out of the ring to the floor. While the ref is trying to find the remaining scraps of her lifeforce, KAORU and OZ throw the cheating into overdrive. The ref returns and Ran YuYu counters out of the Superbomb by kicking the living fuck out of KAORU and then does one of those teeth-scattering jumping kicks that she does and we have a real match on our hands - as Amano hits the shootstyle TOPE SUICIDAAAAAAAAAA!!!!! Ran YuYu does that running up the ropes reverse spinning kick that Yamada used to do and gets two on KAORU right after channeling Number One Paul Jones and hitting the Ronnie Twist-esque Airplane Spin. Carlos comes in and goes for the spinning jumping Cross Arm breaker that Policeman breaks up by running in the ring and kicking folks. KAORU luchas to counter and OZ busts Carlos up with a chain and all three evil-doers gang powerbomb, but Hot Art Chick ref tells them all to go fuck themselves cuz she ain't counting it! KAORU is enraged and is arguing with the ref when the technicos double team OZ and start beating the crap out of her. Police catches an errant KAORU boardshot after saving OZ from Amano's second Cross Armbreaker of the day. OZ hits an actual NASTY looking Urican on Amano and is going for her Tequila Sunrise Suplex but Amano fights out. OZ goes for a Tiger Driver but RAN YUYU SPRINGS OVER AMANO'S BACK AND HITS THE GNARLIEST SHINING WIZARD YOU WILL EVER SEE. Amano goes for the kill but KAORU breaks it all up with boardshots and a very bad 619. OZ and KAORU bring in the chairs and start doing some pretty lame chair shots for two. Angry Art Chick Ref tells them both to go fuck themselves again so OZ starts beating on Amano with a chain. Amano flies into a desperation roll-up and ducks the next chained Urican. Amano then flies into another CrossArmBreaker combo but instead rolls into a pinning combination for the quite surprising win. Postmatch, OZ and KAORU are flabberghasted and do the postmatch beatdown and I hope Ran YuYu and Amano get the belts already. Ran YuYu fucking rules. Ran You-You vs. Meiko Satomura already.

Devil Masami/Lionness Asuka vs. Sugar Sato/Chigusa Nagoya

Chigusa looks like a back-up goalie for the 1983 Quebec Nordique with the spiky mullet- making her look like a... well...oh my GOD!.... A LESBIAN! Lionness and Chigusa take it to the mat early and Chigusa will not make you forget Johnny Saint with her mat stylings. No, she won't. I just watched it. Johnny Saint, I still remember him quite distinctly. They then do one of my fave old school sequences - the "You cannot escape my headlock no matter what you do" sequence with backdrops and attempts to shoot chigusa into the ropes and everything - is was Kernoodlized! They go back to the knucklelock and Lionness is all fucking great with the chain wrestling after the double leg takedown. Devil tags in and Devil has the new streak of gray to make Tom want to love her even more than he does now - because now she looks like Joshi Bonnie Raitt and what could be sexier than that? Devil pulls hair to escape an ankle lock and smacks the ref around when she gives her too much shit. "I'm Devil Masami, you little bastard. I was stabbing Canadians with a fork in Stampede when you were in shortpants, missy." Chigusa trades some chops and tags in Sugar. Devil scoffs at her kicks to the head and Powerslams the living FUDGE out of Sugar and then makes with the headbutts and a second Powerbomb, but Sugar powers over for two. They start to trade chops, but Sugar kicks Devil's arm midchop and goes with the BellyBuck on Devil. Devil quickly procures a sleeper and tries for another Powerbomb but Chigusa saves her. Slow deliberate Devil is fucking great. Lionness sets up her table in the corner and Sugar BellyBucks it and Lionness double stomps her under it for her trouble. Sugar tags out and Lionness catches a Rolling 3 before kicking Chigusa in the teeth to set up her F-5. Sugar runs in to assist and Chigusa goes for three submissions in succession - Octapus Hold, Sleeper and the Dragon Sleeper until Lionness lariats to offense and they trade more lariats until Lionness wins and tags out. Devil walks into a Swinging Neckbreaker and Chigusa throws all of Sugar's ever-expanded womanliness off the toprope onto a prone Devil and we all feel Devil's pain (if any of us have ever had a Chevy engine dropped on his or her stomach from fifteen feet) and Sugar goes to work. Devil cuts her off with a headbutt and corner lariat but Sugar hits her big gal Nodawa. Devil hits an even nastier Powerbomb and Lionness comes in and hits a Towerhacker Powerbomb for two. Chigusa throws Devil into Lionness while Lionness is trying to get Sugar up for the LSD! and it allows Sugar hit an elbow and a really swank Urican to set up her SHOTGUN BELLYBUCK! I can't figure out if Sugar is aping Monster Ripper or aping Samson Fuyuki with the goofy double roperunning bellybuck. Either way, Devil makes the save and Lionness hits her Poontangler to set up Devils FUCKING NASTY AS FUCKING NASTY GETS Angry MILF Forward Somersault Senton off the top to easily set up Lionness with the LSD for the pin. Devil vs Sugar could be a good match. Sugar wants a piece of Lionness's fat ass postmatch. Lionness gives her the "bring it on, bitch" motion as Sugar is held back by ringfolk and looking all helpless and frustrated. GAEA fucking rules.

(There is this weird ass commercial about this fuzzy padding you put on the terlit so your keister don't freeze when you hop on the pot. Luckily, it comes in designer patterns.)

Aja Kong/Manami Toyota vs. Meiko Satomura/Ayako Hamada

Aja starts things off by kicking Ayako really hard right in her divine heinie. Ooooo, I'd hate to hurt an ass like THAT. Aja grabs her pretty face in the corner and says, "I made you, China Doll. I can take you out just as easy" and throws her to the mat and tries to squeeze the life out of her former protegee with a body scissors. Aja tags Manami and the two latest big acquisitions face off and it is really neat. Manami outluchas the second generation Luchadora and then takes it to Meiko when Ayako escapes after hitting a Quebrada. Manami is all about the high vertical slams and toprope dropkicks. Meiko hits a fruity embellishment elbow drop and tags in Ayako who is all about the Octapus hold and taking Manami's toprope dropkicks. Aja comes in and Ayako experiences Aja the great rudo - as Aja takes a hurricanrana like Fuerza Guerrera and just as quickly switches gears to trade just MOTHERFUCKING HELLISH SHOTS WITH MEIKO SATOMURA - Aja finishing it with a lariat that Meiko leans into like a fucking PSYCHO. Aja can't bring the brainbuster so Meiko turns it into an STO onto Aja's own painted Trashcan of Tribute to Dump Matsumodo. Aja sells her back and Meiko responds by Death Valley Driving her directly onto her neck. Aja goes back to selling her side and Meiko hits the neato Shining Wizard on Manami by springboarding off Aja's bent knee. Aja takes a couple more vicious kicks and then punches her way to the corner to tag in Manami. Manami does that fucking Rolling Cradle and Meiko tells her to go fuck herself by turning it into a Fujiwara Armbar. Ayako and Manami kick each other in the head for a while until Manami just fucking leans into a Dropkick To The Face like a much older Psycho. Manami tries her Shinzaki Pinning ritual but Meiko breaks it up and elbows her in the teeth from the toprope. Ayako comes into the ring and procures an octopus and hits some suplexes that Manami decides not to sell. Ayako no-sells a German and I am filled with hate. Ayako kinda apes Manami's Pinning Ritual with a toprope Asai Moonsault, a toprope somersault dropkick, but Ayako and Meiko can't completely pull off the Los Locos Gringos finisher as Manmi gets her knees up for the FrogSplash section after Ayako hits the Powerbomb. Manami pretends that she is selling in 1993 and goes directly into a toprope somersault dropkick to the floor and they hit the Doomsday Device on Ayako. Meiko hits a backward bicycle kick on Manami and Ayako follows it with a Northern Lights Bomb and she follows with a Superkick. Manami is shot into the ropes by both and Aja grabs Meiko as Manami counters out of another Superkick by hitting a Queen Bee Bomb that brings in Meiko for the save. Meiko bicycle kicks Aja's Uricanning arm so Aja fucking CRUSHES Meiko with her other fist and Meiko is dead! Aja busts her brain for two and Meiko is in deep Aja Kong-created trouble. Aja hits the fucking NASTY toprope elbow drop, but her side is reinjured and she can't make the cover. Ayako catches her on the way up the ropes and allows Meiko to hit a superplex on Aja to turn the tide. Meiko CRUSHES Aja with another Bicycle kick. Meiko goes for the kill by trying a Shining Wizard but Aja rolls it straight into a Death Valley Bomb and FUCK ANYBODY WHO SAYS THAT AJA MOTHERFUCKING KONG DOESN'T RULE THE MOTHERFUCKING GODDAMN MOTHERFUCKING WORLD OF WRESTLING. Aja kicks Meiko square in the teeth and sticks her on the toprope. Meiko jumps over and hits a sunset flip and just fucking LAYS in the kicks on a dying Aja. Manami kicks Meiko in the chest before she can hit her Shining Wizard. Ayako comes in and powerbombs Aja. Aja kicks Ayako in the stomach when she tries to land her moonsault. They trade punches until Ayako hits three spin kicks for two. Manami hits the BEAUTIFUL toprope missile dropkick to save Aja from a powerbomb and Aja crushes Ayako's skull for two. Meiko whiffs at two shining wizards that are sandwiched betweened all these Ayako spin kicks on Aja. Aja tries to power up after an Ayako shotay and takes a final spinkick to succumb to Ayako and her pinning predicament. Aja is motherfucking AWESOME. Fuck the WORLD. Manami needs to go back to selling. Meiko needs to not do anymore Shining Wizards that are too complicated to hit. Ayako needs a real finisher. Great match because Aja is fucking great.

~!~

RANDOM US LADIES INDY MATCHES FROM BIX

(by PHIL RIPPA)

The wonders of losing tapes. I had half of this written back when the last Joshi 100 came out which was like August 2002. Then I lost the tape and never finished it off. Now, in February 2003, I found it on a snowy morning while throwing the random Taylor match on a tape for someone. So here is a debreifing of the Bix US Joshi Pimping tape - A crappy review seven months in the making.

Robbie Rage vs. Candi Devine (Southeastern Terry Gordy Memorial - 8/11/01)

Aug 02 - In my mind, I had decided that this was the former High Voltage, current New Japan heavyweight Robbie Rage. Instead, its a female Robbie Rage wearing what looks like something my grandmother macramaded. Poor Terry Gordy. I guess someone to decided to pull one last rib on Terry by trotting out this match. Actually – the entire Gordy Memorial looked very very odd and very very not good.

Feb 03 – Either member of High Voltage would have made that match better. Poor poor Kenny Kaos.

Diana La Cazadora/La Justiciera/La Intrusa vs. Tigresa Del Norte/La Felina/Serpiente Salvaje (Monterrey - 12/30/01)

Aug 02 - Lordy, Lordy. Diana La Cazadora sure isn’t afraid to wear nothing underneath her ring outfit. I am sure someone can figure out how to say G-String in Spanish and give her a hint or something. Despite the lack of cloth material, she also appeared to be the most competent looking lady in the match. She wasn’t afraid to throw 600 dropkicks. Since it is Monterrey, I am not sure if this is everyone mailing it in or if this is how they actually work normally. I am biased though so I am more forgiving of the lucha ladies.

Leilani Kai vs. Malia Hosaka (USA Championship Wrestling - 2/02)

Aug 02 - This had no right being as great as it was. And that isn’t even factoring in Hosaka’s outfit. Man alive, many of us needed some alone time after that. I was skeptical of the Leilani Kai resurrgence that Dean was carrying on about in the chat but she is delivering the goods in the year 2002. She so should be the former WWF champ taking beatings instead of Moolah or Mae Young.

Feb 03 – For what its worth – Malia Hosaka’s outfit trumps anything that KAROU or Oz is wearing right now. Times are good (and creepy).

Leilani Kai vs. Bambi (USA Championship Wrestling - 2/02)

Aug 02 - Ah, Bambi. Biggest bone of contention between me and Dean. Blinded with misty water colored memories of WOW, Dean insisted on Bambi being good. Even going so far as calling her punches great. I was bedazzled by the fact that when I stared long enough at the screen, I could swear I was watching Rockin Robin wrestling. This was all about Leilani Kai being great again. Bambi slapped around with her punches and wasn’t afraid to get all Mutoesqe in the just sitting in a chinlock for a good two minutes.

Leilani Kai/??? vs. Bambi/Kevin White (USA Championship Wrestling - 2/02)

Aug 02 - We actually figured out who the mystery person was.

Feb 03 – That is how I actually left the reviewed. Leaving the mystery wrestler a mystery to me again. Thumper something or other. Brad maybe.Steve Brad? Shane Brad? Shane Bragg? Shane Shane? The highlight of the match is actually the commentary

Jim Cornette: “Leilani Kai washes her hair 4 times a day”

The other guy whose name I always forget: “How do you know that?”

Cornette: “I personally watch it”

TOGWNIAF: “Is that one of those RF videos?”

The ladies also work a huge chunk of the match which works for me because Leilani Kai is this great monster heavyweight heel. Jesus – Bambi’s punches are the worst thing ever. Damn drunken Dean.

Heather Savage vs. Miss Natural (WLW - 4/02)

Feb 03 – I skipped doing the first two matches because I was so bitter by the time the third and fourth matches hit. This is why I can’t watch Best of tapes more than two matches at a time. Anyway, these gals are from Harley Race’s fed. They were a fun discovery and looked decent working each other. Heather Savage wears a two piece and looks like a young, non-Broadway Bernedette Peters. Miss Natural is also a brunette but doesn’t have the perm and wears this sparkly outfit. You can tell these two are Race trainees as they throw great strikes and Savage throws one of the better clotheslines in the United States – male or female. Natural – the champ – takes the first match with a fine looking spear.

Heather Savage vs. Miss Natural (WLW - 4/02)

Feb 03 – This is the problem that happens in all the US indies. There is like two women in each fed so they just work each other over and over. Savage vs. Natural, Gee Starr vs. Amber Holly, Mercedes Martinez vs. Trinty Campbell. Savage baffles Dean by wearing the leather in this match. She pretty much dominates this non-title match and wins with that move that Elix Skipper does.

Heather Savage/Mark Gotticker vs. Miss Natural/Josh Besore (WLW - 5/02)

Aug 02 - Since this getting to the point that this is almost Best of Tape like, all the matches have started to blend together and the things you thought were cool in the first match have lost their luster. We had to fight the urge to plunge Savage and Natural just for overexposure. Decent albeit short mixed tag match.

Heather Savage/a midget vs. Miss Natural/another midget (WLW - 5/02)

Aug 02 - This feud never fucking ends. I thought the midgets were female for a few seconds and thought this was going to be all sorts of great. They had penises though and I don’t think we ever bothered to figure out there names. You can go your whole life without being upset about missing this match.

Feb 03 – Well except Bix who still clings to the idea that we are going to do the Mini 33 1/3.

Lacey vs. Rain (IWA-Mid South - 5/3/02)

Aug 02 - IWA-Mid South isn’t exactly the fed I am going to think of as being the hot bed of ladies wrestling. I had a hard time keeping straight who Lacey was and who Rain was because I refuse to listen to the turdburger announcers who were carrying on about how women shouldn’t wrestle. Lacey wears no lace and Rain is the brunette. Unfortunately, my faith in hideous Ian Rotten booking is rewarded as a bunch of guys run out and punk out both women to the great cheers of the audience. Chris Hero makes the save to much heel heat.

Lacey vs. Rain (IWA-Mid South - 5/25/02)

Aug 02 - This was shot on safari with the use of Night Vision goggles. What the fuck is up with that? I will blame Bix.

Feb 03 – This didn’t have the foolish ending that the last match did so that already was a plus. Assuming I got who is Lacey and who is Rain correct – Rain’s gimmick is that she wrestles with her G-string showing the entire match. This is fine, has its rough moments, but still better than any attempt at April Hunter wrestling.

Lacey vs. Rain (IWA-Mid South - 6/15/02)

Feb 03 – See. Another example of the same two girls working each other over and over. I am sure someone will explain to me the backstory to both these girls that will be really creepy and that I really don’t want to know. And look how much the crowd loves the lady wrestling. Its a good thing Rain is the heel as she is much better suited to interact with the crowd and cheat her way through a match. I say this because rope running is not one of her fortes. She also eats a ton of Lacey’s US Indy offense. That is fine too because the crispness of Rain transitioning to offense isn’t there either. Still, I like these two enough to keep watching.

Lexie Fyfe vs. Mighty Heidi (CCW - 7/6/02)

Feb 03 – This is why I should never have let Dean have final say on the Joshi 100 as Mighty Heidi ended up on the list. Such a big big woman. He was also memorized by Fyfe’s big ole BUTT.

Allison Danger vs. Taylor Matheny (JAPW - 5/26/02)

Feb 03 – Well, it appears that braless Taylor is not a new phenomon as she wasnt wearing one here (or a very ill fitting sports bra). That means that we – the viewers – are the true winners. Jesus – May was so long ago. Allison Danger was the former valet/manager/thingy for the SAT’s – right? RIGHT? This is fine- as it is two folks trying to wrestle throw stiff – if horrible – strikes at each other. You would think that 8 months later, Taylor’s punches would look better but nope. Still, the best Tough Enough trainee working. Which also reminds me – if Danger said one more time “Are you Tough Enough?” I was going right back into my hating wrestling mode. Crappy booking as both ??? and TE Pete interfere. Still much better than Fyfe vs. Heidi – stupid Dean.

2 KOOL 2 NOT B CONTINUED!

March 12, 2003

And HERE IS PART 2:

~!~

GAEA 11/22/2002 - PART TWO

(by DEAN RASMUSSEN)

Hey! The HIGH SPIRIT 600 TOURNAMENT! If only it were called High Spurt again... but with KAORU and OZ dressed like they are of late, it would be really redundant. Anyway, the way it works- if I remember correctly- is that there are ten minute time limits and you are supposed to hit your opponent with as much offense as possible in the time period to win before ten minutes is up. Thus, you can rationalize upsets because no one is wrestling their usual match and aren't being careful wrestling defensively at all.

Carlos Amano vs. Meiko Satomura

Carlos is a progenator of the 90s BattlARTS tricked out shoot-drenched Pro Style and Meiko is from the rock solid wrestling training of GAEA. They take it to the mat and keep it there and you marvel at the speed and fluidity. Meiko fights the spins of Amano to escape her front facelock. Meiko fights for the armbar but settles for an armwringer until Amano does the great UWFi deadlift Germans to lead to Meiko and Carlos beating the fudge out of each other with forearms. Amano headbutts Meiko and - Meiko is Meiko - so she leans into it and it's very thudlike. They then make you weep as they do this Giant Pile Of Leg Locks. I can't figure who was hurting who but it looked great and complex- a batch of wrestling spaghetti. Meiko breaks it into a supercool bizarro figure four leglock variation that NEEDS TO BE STOLEN. They go back to a vertical base and elbow each other really hard for a while. Amano goes into an ankle lock but Meiko punts her in the face to TRANSITION~! She then hits the Bicycle kick and her big kick to the head for two. Amano Tiger Suplexes back to offense and they get all mangled up in leglocks again until Amano rolls into a Cross Armbreaker but Meiko hits the ropes. Amano tries for another but Meiko turns it into a Death Valley Bomb but Amano wiggles into a Triangle Choke while Meiko is standing gets the high Spirited Upset! This is some fun stuff here, my friend.

Sugar Satoh vs. Carlos Amano

After showing highlights of Ayako going down to Sugar and Toshie Uematsu being knocked off by RanYuYu, they show all 3 and half minutes of Sugar and Carlos. This is fun as it is 100 per cent punching and power moves. Sugar hits a Powerbomb for two. Amano punches to go on offense but Sugar elbows back and hits a urican for two. Amano rolls up Sugar to counter her Bellybuck. Sugar hits a nasty looking EXPLOIDER! and follows with a toprope for two- as this format is built for Sugar, it seems. Amano hits two odd kicks and flies into a Cross Armbreaker but Sugar hits the ropes and escaps to the outside. Amano goes for a tope but Sugar races to the apron and BELLYBUCKS HER THROUGH THE ROPES! TEN FOUR, GOOD BUDDY! SUGAR ROCKS! Amano recovers and does the Crossarmbreaker Rollup but Sugar rolls through at two. Sugar hits the ropes and hits the Shotgun BellyBuck for the win. These are the funnest Velocity matches ever.

Ran YuYu vs. Chikayo Nagashima

Goddamn, I want to see THIS match for the belt with regular rules. I can barely imagine how much it will rock. This match is a pretty good indication of what could come- as this is 57 roll-ups and suplexes in 3:33 with a finish of Ran YuYu getting the 58 roll-up for the win. I don't think it would ever actually work as well as Ran YuYu vs the big hitters, but Ran YuYu's other strength is fluidity, precision and speed, so her match against Nagashima would be more power moves than knees to the face, but I'm sure looking forward to it.

Sugar Satoh vs. Ran YuYu

God, this is another match that plays into Ran YuYu's ability to beat the fuck out of folks if it were a regular match - but this is a good way to preview the match-ups that GAEA has with their youngsters. Ran YuYu starts off by kicking Sugar in the head a whole bunch but gets caught in the topcorner and they opt to beat the living fuck out of each and we get to watch. Sugar collapses from a giant elbow and hits the floor, ducking a kneedrop from the apron. Sugar hits the toprope dropkick but Ran YuYu does two roll-ups after countering out of a Sugar Oklahoma Stampede. The third attempt and Sugar hits a powerbomb for two and Ran YuYu yamazakis it directly into a Double Armed Triangle Hold and Sugar makes the ropes. Ran YuYu makes with the fucking great kicks and punches and flying toprope kick to Sugars head. Ran YuYu busts young Sugar's brain for a two count and Sugar is selling it like she is dead. Ran YuYu runs the ropes and Sugar hits a desperation Peterbilt Bellybuck '03 and they take it to the apron and Sugar lays in some headbutts. Ran YuYu kicks her in the fucking teeth and goes for the Death Valley Driver off the apron but Sugar grabs the ropes and falls into the ring. Sugar runs off the ropes and crushes Ran YuYu's head with a kick to the face that YuYu just fucking LEANS INTO LIKE MOTHERFUCKING RAN YUYU. YuYu sells it like it looked but finally makes it into the ring. Sugar goes for the Exploider but YuYu counters it into a BEAUTIFUL snap suplex and Sugar rolls through into the corner and hits a bellybuck that YuYu answers with teethsmashing elbow to the face and I am motherfucking IN LOVE with this matchup. They lay around on the mat and Sugar gets in two uricans for two. YuYu blocks a third and hits an elbow for two. Sugar with a Nodawa for two. She hits two more for two - as YuYu has been doing the Flair exhausted raised arm kickout to further seal my love. YuYu gets a roll-up for two. Sugar comes off the mat and hits a lariat for two. YuYu bolts up and hits an elbow for two and they are both dead on their feet. They block each others strikes and YuYu gets a roll-up for two. They psychotically spin out of backslide attempts. Sugar hits two Exploiders and we are now fully experiencing Sugar revving it up with the Bellybucks. YuYu hits a final desperation dropkick to Sugar's knee and sprints to the toprope to hit a Flying Body Press off the top that Sugar rolls into a Spinebuster for the 3 count. This fucking ruled. RAN YUYU IS YOUR MAMA. She is fucking AWESOME in this match. I want a rematch NOW.

GAEA FUCKING RULES.

~!~

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~!~

"What Kamala Done Did & Made Me Do.

ODE TO REAL BIG MONEY DANGEROUS K, Houston Summer 1985"

(by ANTHONY GANCARSKI)

Ain't you a mean one

Sugar Bear Harris

Sugabawa Harrisan

Not Hurricane Carter;

that shit don't play

in Houston with Paul Boesch.

Couldn't fly like Blackwell

but you held your own.

Never flop into the headbutt

no wannabe paramilitary

panAfrican militant Zambuie whatever..

No, not for you, Sugar Bear!

You dove and you pounced, big cat

none of this sixty dollar tapdance

none of these shards of shattered promise,

none of this stepnfetch towards Botswana.

A beast, not a man

yet sometimes my designs

shine from puddles so slick

exotic like Sanskrit

attention prickpulsed

like braille leatherettes.

Times was hard when you was Sugar Bear

weren't they weren't they weren't there

I wouldn't know.

Sugar Bear, Japanese for midcarder,

not headlining Mid-South with midgets and kings.

You were purer then

Sugar Bear Sugar Bear.

No jobberman Friday,

Lombardi in war paint,

rumors they hold

how he got his job.

Not enough sugar for sugar bear,

not enough love for love,

not enough hope for black people,

their heroes in caricature;

is that you, Bill Watts?

Is that your boy Eric?

Puroresu darling;

didn't he job in some tourney once?

Have you seen Sugar Bear?

Have you seen what they've done to you?

~!~

RESLO - CONTINUED!

(by DEAN RASMUSSEN)

Hiro Yamamoto vs. Too Cold Scorpio

Hiro is TENZAN! His mullet is embryonic and his pants pink and pinstriped. Scorpio starts with an armbar and keeps working on the armbar. Hiro reverses it and they are having a fine fine scientific match until the EVIL JAPANESE smacks Scorpio during a break off the ropes! Tenzan uses the opening to hit the backdrop and Scorpio is sadder yet wiser and takes a batch of chops and Tenzan crushes his breadbasket in the corner. Scorpio uses a neato roll up out of the corner and dropkick to get Tenzan on the defensive and out of the ring. Scorpio feigns a dive like a Power Raider and you fucking love it. Scorpio wins the New Japan "I Can Stand Here And Take Your Shoulderblocks More Than You Can" spot by doing a cartwheel and hitting a dropkick to force Tenzan out of the ring and straight into Scorpio's Pescado and face-smackin' against a table outside. Tenzan is frustrated and comes and headbutts Scorpio but Scorpio is BLACK Y'ALL! and he is in Austria and that means he can summon the racially-gimmicked power of Bobo Brazil and it doesn't effect him! Tenzan goes for body slams and those shitty Tony Atlas chops that he still does. Tenzan wrenches Scorpio's neck and Scorpio is in a bad way. Tenzan does a Liontamer and steps into a complete Boston Crab. Scorpio jawbreaks Tenzan and gets to kicking Tenzan and enzuiguiring Tenzan and smacking Tenzan and... Tenzan says FUCK THIS and body slams Scorpio and Second Rope Legdrops Scorpio and Moonsau... SCORPIO SAYS FUCK THAT~! and moves out of the way. Scorpio does a couple a wacky kicks and Tenzan then reverses a bunch of stuff and Scorpio succumbs to the Dragon Suplex! Perfectly fine!

Fit Finlay vs. Doink

I know I reviewed this once. Let me find it. From DVDVR 49:

"The major letdown of the tape was the Finlay/Doink match where I wanted Finlay to beat the hell out of a wrestling clown. I mean JEEZUS! IT'S THE BELFAST FUCKING BRUISER vs DOINK the CLOWN!! Wouldn't that get you a little antsy thinking about the fabulous ass-stomping that should ensue. I'm guessing Finlay is an old friend of Steve Kiern's or something because he sells way too much of Doink's very basic offense. I was hoping for a true ass-kicking but Finlay- the ultimate pro- made it a watchable wrestling match."

Who is this idiot writing this bullshit? Fucking Fit Finlay vs Steve Kiern wrestle the blueprint MUGA match and it fucking rules. Fit does a thousand leg locks and Kiern counters everything to the point that Finlay can no longer try to outwrestle him, so he starts pounding on him and it FUCKING RULES. Kiern hiptosses to offense and it goes SUPERMUGA as Fit bumps GIGANTIC from a catapult and comes back in the RING pissed off as hell and they go to a knucklelock sequence. I mean Osamu Nishimura could be under the mask as they work back to a vertical base. They start punching and kicking and hair-pulling and bodyslamming and then they take it to the streets - as Kiern works Fit over as he is dangling over the apron and then they start slamming each other into tables and I await blood that never comes. Kiern does a series of roll-ups and Fit is all busted up. Kiern throws water at folks at ringside who are yelling at him before hitting some lariats and a sleeper. Fit jawbreaks Doink to set up his Tombstone and it's all over. MUGATASTIC!

Legend of Doom vs. Raging Bull

Legend of Doom is Johnny South dressed as Road Warrior Hawk. Raging Bull was in WCW and wrestled as the Cena-esque P.N. News. HE GETS ON THE STICK~! pre-match and tells the women to shut up. He came "to separate the men from the Welsh!" He was not loved in Wales. Bull bumps big for Grampa Hawk and I'm starting to completely revise my opinion of P.N. News. Then they do some average wrestling where P.N. News cheats by pulling hair in the headlock and they do some arm-wringers. LoD does the fun pressure holds that nobody does anymore and P.N. News kinda mauls him with his fat in assorted ways and it gets pretty listless. Think of every fat guy on offense move and I just watched it. HE'S FAT! FATTER THAN LEGEND OF DOOM! FAT! ALLRIGHT! Bull's fat turns against him as he does a big splash off the top and Legend Of Doom gets the pin. I had to watch this so you didn't have to. No Dean, No peace. Know Dean, know peace.

Fit Finlay vs. Satoshi Kojima

Kojima is a freshman pledge who got wrangled into the harshest initiation ever. He starts with the kicks early but Fit will have no part of it as they just rip it up with explosive kicks by Kojima that Fit counters by devouring him with takedowns and punches. Kojima goes for the keylock but Fit counters out and Kojima hits the ropes. Fit is fucking great with the punches and scraping crossfaces in the corner to fly into a cross armbreaker one breath later. Kojima kicks the fuck out of Fit after escaping. They fly around in the corner slugging each other in the face. Finlay reels him in and takes him down until Kojima positions him in the corner and lays in the kicks and Fit takes the 8 and gets the kneebar in to stop the endless kicking to the stomach and the thigh. Kojima goes for the counter ankle lock and it's suddenly every UWFi match you ever saw. Fit gets the advantage with the Step-over Toe-hold. Kojima hits the ropes and Fit smacks him in the head. The hit the corner again and Kojima goes with the Myu-thai knees to the head and Fit counters by fore-arming the hell out of Kojima that causes Kojima to GO CRAZY and start KILLING Finlay with forearms while Finlay is laying on his back. Fit grabs Kojima's leg after Kojima gets back to his feet and is kicking the fuck out of Finlay and Finlay does the super hurty looking carny kneebar and Kojima taps. This was fucking great because Fit had to reel in the young Kojima but Kojima is so fucking gung-ho about working as stiff as humanly possible that Fit looks like has to basically shoot on Kojima to slow him down. It's like a really great Kazunari Murakami match. Fit uses the British carny holds to try subdue the cranked up Japanese youngster who wants very badly to be a spinach-chin Maeda. Luckily for us, Fit can feign an Irish Volk Han and bring the structure to all the destruction.

2 B CONTINUED.

~!~

~!~ SINGLES GOING STEADY ~!~

~!~

Tsuyoshi Kikuchi/Yoshinobu Kanemaru vs. Jushin Thunder Lyger/Koji Kanemoto - NOAH (1/26/03 - IWGP Jr. Heavyweight Tag Title)

(by DEAN RASMUSSEN)

The continuation of the NOAH Jr vs New Japan Jrs feud with tag match between Kanamaru/Kikuchi vs Kanemoto/Lyger was about at the pinnacle of wrestling. It starts with the Lyger suit avec a mask and the Koji Kanemoto-does-Jimmy Snuka-sounding interview stylings with the Lyger trademark table overturning and the hate and the kicking and calling of each other a batch of bush league cocksucking sucker MC motherfuckers. The match itself was all about Kikuchi perfecting the babyface persona he has created to be the backbone of this whole feud. Koji Kanemoto steps up to the plate big and is such a complete cock (though less of a complete cock than the completely on fire Minoru Tanaka) by matching Kikuchi's physicality and stiffness to set up the beef of the story. Koji comes in as the ace to finally go in and beat the belts out of the motherfuckers from NOAH whom none of his compadres can seem to beat. He is really great in the role of New Japan junior saviour because he is so contemptous of the other New Japan guys that Kikuchi and Kanemaru have plowed through - as if New Japan had sent the enhancement talent before and was now ready to send Kanemoto because it's time to bring back the belts to New Japan. Kanemoto beats the dogpiss out of Kikuchi and Kikuchi responds with the most audible hardway-causing headbutt in the history of videotape. That should have been enough to satisfy my lust for blood and stiffness, but Kikuchi uses that as a segueway to his story of his own career, his new promotion and his need to sacrifice his own life so that NOAH can live. KIKUCHI IS LORD JIM and New Japan is the Dutch. Kanemaru is the chieftain's son - in that though he has followed Kikuchi into battle and been taken to heights of glory in combat never dreamed of before - his fate is tied directly to Kikuchi's ability to lead him and keep him alive. When the Dutch reinforcements show up in the form of Koji Kanemoto, Kikuchi is responsible when Koji takes Kanemaru outside and completely kills him. Kikuchi looks into the collective face of NOAH and does his duty - he steps into the spinning razors of the Lyger buzzsaw and takes his assbeating like a man, succumbing to the final stage of this ritual to complete his cycle of life - from childhood to impertinent youth to days lost in adulthood struggling for a reason for existence to finally finding direction as the saviour of NOAH junior heavyweight wrestling to THIS - his final martyrdom. Kikuchi dies so that NOAH Juniors may live. Best motherfucking feud ever.

Takeshi Rikio vs Takeshi Morishima - NOAH (12/1/02)

(by DEAN RASMUSSEN)

This was just a withering exercise in toughness and the test of WILL. It is basically a garbage match with thumbtack baseball bats being replaced by naked forearms, Tiger Driver 91s through barbedwire tables replaced by one having the WILL to lean into the stiffest lariat in wrestling. Morishima does the first Yamakawa-esque bump by hitting the dropkick off the apron onto his own head to lead to Rikio getting slammed against the rails. Rikio is reserved as he eats the giant elbow drops across the tricep and elbow and Rikio is like Cactus Jack as he stands there and motions Morishima to kick him directly in the teeth. The body of the match is Morishima working on Rikio's bad elbow and Rikio's ability to escape the punishment. Rikio uses the German suplex on the floor to get back on offense and uses the Nodawa on the floor to make up for lost ground with his elbow - as garbage elements come into play to negate Rikio's weakness. Morishima beats on Rikio's elbow, Rikio crushes Morishima's skull on the pavement. Rikio starts working on Morishima's back through use of the guardrail and stiff stomps more than the Boston Crab. Rikio sells his own elbow while driving it into Morishima's back. Morishima finally survives Rikio's wounded tenacity and they stand toe to toe and punch each other in the face. Rikio shows that he is more wiley of the two because he beats Morishima to the ground with open handed strikes. Morishima gathers up the gumption and quickly gets back on offense and starts hitting giant powermoves that the injured Rikio cannot stop. Morishima hits the powerbomb and the Belly to Back and the crowd assumes victory. Morishima is perplexed as Rikio kicks out and is even more surprised when Rikio elbows out and lariats out of a second belly-to-back attempt. Rikio sells his desperate elbows to Morishima's head and tries to get a flashpin and escape his certain fate. Another lariat and another desperate prayer for salvation. Stiff smacks to the face to attempt to knockout Morishima to set up a DDT, but Morishima takes the full brunt of Rikio's surprising and desperate assault. Rikio's bucket is empty as Morishima kicks out of the side suplex. Morishima is building resurgence as they hit the ropes for a double lariat. Rikio is first to his feet and he is thinking that he has beaten the mathematics of the match: bad elbow beaten to death minus extended desperate offensive flurry = Rikio surviving Morishima's advantage. He was close - as he had taken enough out of Morishima to survive the match if not win- as this goes broadway. Rikio goes over in the minds of those who watched closely. Rikio is more savvy and has more fighting spirit. He can fight through adversity. Morishima can't take advantage of situation and looks weak by not winning. That's how ya go Broadway.

Van Vader/Masa Saito vs. Billy and Barry Gaspar – New Japan (6/24/88)

(by PHIL RIPPA)

The things you will watch at 3 am. This is off a New Japan Classics tape that I got (which has the Liger/Kanemoto vs. Ultimo Dragon/Orihara match which is in my Top 10 of all time favorite matches) and the Gaspars are all over it. It was easier to randomly pick this one instead of picking one match from the series of Saito/Riki Choshi vs. Gaspars that is also on this tape. Mostly because I thought it fairly comical to have the B&B Gaspar and Saito all in the same match. Though, when you look at the matchlist, you see that they were basically handcuffed to each other and that makes the enjoyment wither away. What I am gathering is this. The Gaspars punked the hell out of Saito and Choshu on their match from 6/17/88- including Saito doing a nice blade job thanks to getting a sword all upside his head. Choshu became girly scared and didn’t want to fight in the rematch (actually Choshu was losing the IWGP Title match to Tatsumi Fujinami on the same card but I want to start wild internet speculation. Yeah! That’s It! Choshu also refused to job to any Ring of Honor workers.) Saito found himself the biggest, baddest partner who could actually wrestle to take out the brother team comprised of the pirate Jason The Terribles. Geez – such the weird gimmick. The match itself isn’t much as one would expect. You get a smoking helmet and Vader smacking the Gaspars around and sorta selling the arm that he smacks against the post. Saito stays out of the ways and the Gaspars are giving the Policia De Los Angeles a battle in the stiff lumbering mystery identity tag team department reviewed in this issue. This might have been clipped or just really short. Who knows at that early an hour? No matter what, Billy and Barry get DQed for throwing powder. Mind you, the spot backfired and Billy dusted Barry (or vice versa). No sweet sweet revenge for Saito. Well, unless you count punking out the troll looking manager. Maybe I should have watched George Takano vs. Crusher Crunchsky instead.

EAGLE PRO CRUISERWEIGHT TOURNEY 7/23/2000

Quarter Final: Tomoya Adachi (Zipang) vs Eagle Soldier (Eagle):

(by DEAN RASMUSSEN)

I can't really think about my opponent, Tomoya Adachi, because I'm so psychologically confused right now. I remembered a girl I knew when I was 17 who dated my best friend in high school and I remembered her while a song that brings back strong memories of my youth was playing- so now I'm all caught up in regret and longing. It is cruel and hopeless.

"Tomoya Adachi, I ask a favor of you. I need you to rip my heart out and destroy my soul!"

"Soldier, quit being so fucking melodramatic. I will pin you or make you submit. I cannot cure you or give you some kind of cartharsis to fix what ever is fucked up inside of you. God, i hate wrestling you."

"Actually, it's been driving me insane the last couple of days. There's a ghost inside me. There was this girl I knew when I was sixteen or seventeen. She went out with my best friend and I developed a very innocent... very unrequited love for her. I haven't thought about her in ten years. I haven't seen her in almost 20 years. But the other day, I saw someone who reminded me of her and the ghost inside me grew in power. A dead longing was revived. Every song from when I was that age now remind me of her and things she said to me that made me fall in love with her. 'Toro, toro taxi- see you tomorrow, my son'- and there she is, a spy in my house of love. All from someone who looked a lot like I remember she did. 'When I met you in the restaurant, you could tell I was no debutante' and there she is again. But that's impossible. It's not fair to me or her. She has lived her life and I have lived my life. I have been happy and have found love and lost love and found love again- as I'm sure she has. She should be a dim memory but she lives still- a succubus of a memory. And it is getting worse because I'm starting to no longer visualize her as I believe she actually was- demure, vulnerable, nurturing. Now she is smiling and worldly and vindictive and is turning into like Jean Gray when she first starting turning into Dark Phoenix or some kind of shit from when I was 12. It's like this restored memory has devoured the memory from my youth- turning what was innocent and pure about my youth into something corrupt and festering, and is now trying to devour my soul! It has to be a succubus! A MOTHERFUCKING SUCCUBUS!"

"Soldier, I'm just gonna fucking pin you with a roll-up, okay?"

"Well, there's more to it. I think I figured it out."

"Allright. Here we go...."

"I had a dream the other night that I was with the woman whom I replaced THIS woman with. I was deeply in love with the replacement because she was just like the woman she replaced except she had even more qualities I admire in people- so she drove the original out of my heart. I dreamt that I had every LP record and underground comix mag that I ever heard or read while I was with the replacement and they were all in this box in this old victorian closet and the rain was coming through the ceiling and destroying all the signifiers and memories that I had of my replacement lover and I kept trying to save the box of record and comics but the replacement just turned away and wanted them destroyed. I pleaded with her to help but she walked away! ALL THE GOOD TIMES AND THE BAD TIMES NOW ALL SEEM THE SAME! THEY ALL SEEM THE SAME! ARE YOU FUCKING UNDERSTANDING WHAT I'M SAYING?!?! My memories are devoured! The good is just as painful as the bad! And that same day was when I saw the woman that looked like the girl I knew from when I was sixteen- LIKE IT WAS A CALCULATED SERIES OF EVENTS! Like this dream and this woman were supposed to happen on the same day and in the same order- to revive the cured love that I had put away twenty years ago! Don't you see, Tomoya! It's a ghost sent to drive me insane and STEAL ALL MY HAPPINESS! Sent to STEAL my happiest memories."

"Jesus Christ, Soldier, you are motherfucking crazy. Did you concoct this yourself or were you high?"

"Oh fuck that, it gets more diabolical as the week goes on. I then remembered who the girl from when I was 16 replaced. She resembled my first true love from when I was 15 whom I had kissed and fallen in love with before it ended very badly. I figured this out- there is a ghost of a woman inside me that has general traits and tendencies and she has living off me since I was born and I keep trying to find women who fit these traits. My real and lasting love doesn't fit any of these traits and IT DAWNED ON ME THAT THIS GHOST INSIDE IS FURIOUS ABOUT THIS AND NOW WANTS REVENGE! ON ME! AND IT LIVES INSIDE ME SO I NEED YOU TO RIP MY HEART OUT AND DESTROY MY SOUL!"

"Goddamit, Soldier. I can pin you or make you submit. You are a fucked up motherfucker."

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

NEXT ISSUE: Lucha, more lucha, ummm... lucha and, oh yeah Lucha

~THE DEATH VALLEY PLAYAZ ~

MOSTLY 2 GUYS AND SOME TAPES

March 12, 2003

I mark for backwards reviews and Bernadette Peters references.

Leilani Kai/??? vs. Bambi/Kevin White (USA Championship Wrestling - 2/02)
Aug 02 - We actually figured out who the mystery person was.

Feb 03 – That is how I actually left the reviewed. Leaving the mystery wrestler a mystery to me again. Thumper something or other. Brad maybe.Steve Brad? Shane Brad? Shane Bragg? Shane Shane? The highlight of the match is actually the commentary

Jim Cornette: “Leilani Kai washes her hair 4 times a day”

The other guy whose name I always forget: “How do you know that?”

Cornette: “I personally watch it”

TOGWNIAF: “Is that one of those RF videos?”

The ladies also work a huge chunk of the match which works for me because Leilani Kai is this great monster heavyweight heel. Jesus – Bambi’s punches are the worst thing ever. Damn drunken Dean.

Leilani's partner would be one Steve Bragg, her boyfriend over the past year or so who tends to follow her wherever she may roam. He's not too bad a worker himself, in a "70's porn star channeling Greg Valentine" sort of way. And the other commentator was Scott Hudson. If anyone at the DVDVR needs to ask about Nashville indy wrestling, ask me, cuz I know Nashville indy wrestling.

March 12, 2003

Scott Hudson? I'm giving Rippa so much shit about blowing that call.

March 12, 2003

I am fairly certain that it isn't Scott Hudson. I real like Scott Hudson so I would like to think I would pick up on his voice. I think I did think it was him at first but then there was something that was saying to me it was the one of the two guys who always announces the stuff in Minnesota and Wisconsin.

I also thought Chris Cruise but the voice wasn't that irritating.

Phil

EL DANDY~! · March 12, 2003

Ripper, is this a cameo appearance or are you HERE TO STAY~! like honorable Old Man DEAN over here?

March 12, 2003

I think I did think it was him at first but then there was something that was saying to me it was the one of the two guys who always announces the stuff in Minnesota and Wisconsin.

The AWA guy with the beard?

DEAN.

March 12, 2003

Well the guy with the beard or his partner - which ever of them was the play by play guy. Dammit - where is Trimborn when you need him?

And I will generally be lurking. I tend to do that everywhere. The less I post, the less Dean can blame me for the downturn in the qualify of the DVDVR.

Phil

EL DANDY~! · March 12, 2003

Ah...so the greatness of the review is usually depicted by the amount you post?

March 12, 2003

Hey Phil, that was indeed Hudson, him and Cornette were the commentary team for a while in USA in 2002.

EL DANDY~! · March 12, 2003

I guess Huddy was pressed for work after WCW folded...

March 12, 2003

Well - there is a thread on our board about how we (the DVDVR suck) now and its a joke with Dean and I that it is my fault.

The announcer being Scott Hudson answers why the commentary was tolerable as opposed to pretty much all other indy commentary.

And that still doesn't answer why I can't think of the bearded guy and his partners names. I will always remember them screaming their heads off as Terry Funk and Road Warrior Hawk wandered through the crowd during NWA Grandslam I.

And - I am glad I am not the only one who noticed the freaky Bernedette Peters look-alike.

I was expecting at least three numbers from Annie Get Your Gun. I was let down.

Phil

March 12, 2003

I mark for Rippa!

EL DANDY~! · March 13, 2003

See, I love yous guys. Yous guys are totally cool when it comes to the pro wrestling. HOW CAN NOBODY ELSE SEE THAT?

March 13, 2003

See, I love yous guys. Yous guys are totally cool when it comes to the pro wrestling. HOW CAN NOBODY ELSE SEE THAT?

You seem to have the best view with your lips firmly pressed against their asses.

March 13, 2003

Certainly a better view than the one you've got with your head up your own ass.

March 13, 2003

Face the heat, feel the sizzle...

BURN~!

EL DANDY~! · March 13, 2003

Banky, I'm a fan, what can I say?

March 13, 2003

hey dean, thanks for 140 or 141, can't remember off the top of my head. The one that you had the roundtable discussion about the NOAH vs. NJPW fued going on, particularly the tag matches with Liger and Inoue or Tanaka vs Kikuchi and Kanemaru. Fun stuff. Highspots has a tape with all the matches discussed and even some of the backstage antics like liger busting up the press. I'd recommend the tapes just for those matches. Giving you a look see at a killer fued with lots of emotion and one or two grumpy old bastards. It's good tips like that that deserve the praise. Whoever wants to dis, then come up with something funner.

March 14, 2003

Certainly a better view than the one you've got with your head up your own ass.

Wow, does it hurt man? I could only imagine...

March 14, 2003

I have a question? I was looking for a tape of Joshi bra and panties matches. Where can *they* be found?

If none are available I will settle for Paddle on a Pole matches.

March 14, 2003

They happen a lot in my mind.

DEAN.

March 14, 2003

They happen a lot in my mind.

DEAN.

Cool, but really... where can they be found?

Here's an idea!: With all these new submission moves he knows the Undertaker should go to NJPW! They could put the title on him so we could finally have an NJPW champ who meant something!

EL DANDY~! · March 14, 2003

Zsasz, this isn't your US woman's wrestling, dood. This shit is better than most US MEN'S WRESTLING.

March 14, 2003

No shit. Except I'd replace the word most with all, in the Hokuto/Kandori case.

EL DANDY~! · March 14, 2003

Wolvy, I can certainly vouch for that. That match is the absolute shit. I mean, I don't think I've seen a men's match in America that has had as much pure emotion as that match did.

March 17, 2003

The AWA guy with the beard?

Don't tell me that Rod Tronguard is still doing commentary.

*SHUDDER*

March 17, 2003

RON TRONGUARD! Thank you.

DEAN.

March 17, 2003

Oh yeah - Doyo deserves some sweet loving for that.

That would have haunted me to the grave... or until I watched that Hawk/Funk match for the 5984 times. That might be the only match with decent VQ on the JoMosh #3 tape....

Aww.... JoMosh comp tapes. Such a simpler time.

Phil

DEATH VALLEY DRIVER VIDEO REVIEW #142!

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