Guest Officer Schmidt Report post Posted March 16, 2003 My partner Rick and I got the call at about 5:00 PM. Sounded like your typical assault: drunk husband gets angry, mouthy wife calls us, we sort it out. It was strictly routine by now; I'd seen it a million times. Just never on Christmas Day. I'd volunteered to pull the shift for Ted, on account of his family going down to St. Louis for the holidays. I just don't have the time for a wife myself, so I told him I'd do him the favor. We in the department like to stick together; it forms a sense of fraternity that you just don't find in one of those cubicles. I wouldn't know anything about that. I'm a cop. Rick eased into the drive right behind the fella's dirty old truck. I tell you this: 9 times out of 11 if the guy's gonna put his hands on a woman in an unlawful fashion, he's also gonna be drivin' a truck. Don't ask me why. That's just the way it is. This 'friend' of hers came to the door in his underwear, asking us "what the hell (we) wanted" and telling us to "get the hell off of (his) property." Said his name was Mr. Freeze, but I could tell he was lying. I told him to lose the attitude real quick, to which he responded by threatening to wipe his ass with my hat. I would have loved to see him try. Rick took him to the ground so fast I didn't even get to see it break. When I noticed the blood I realized he wasn't just crying on account of my partner laying on top of him. I remember Rick giving me this look as if to say, "Oh fucking shit man, do you realize what just fucking happened? His fucking arm is broke! We're going to lose our fucking jobs!" That's when it started getting crazy. I'll admit, I panicked. I'm human like the rest of you, and every human makes mistakes now and then. It was just that that look of Rick's scared me pretty good, and I didn't know what the hell to do. Hindsight is always 20/20, like they say, but at that point in time shooting the guy in the face just seemed to me like the best way to solve the situation. Well, to be honest, I didn't even mean to have the gun off safety. I guess I can just count myself lucky I didn't put one in Ricky's head instead. Now that would have been a mess, figuratively speaking. Rick and I really had ourselves in a pickle. Before we could even start to think about what to do with his body, the mouthy wife runs in, and of course she wants to know what the gunfire was all about. Unfortunately, my mouth's kinda like my .45; sometimes it goes shooting itself off. "I'm a cop lady. Cops gotta shoot people every once in a while." I didn't need Rick's astonished look to tell me that was the wrong thing to say. I knew it just as soon as the words came out of my mouth. I'd gone and pissed her off, and I had to think of something fast. In a quick, fluid motion I raised my pistol and pointed it at her face. The quickness of the act surprised her, but not me. After you go through training, it just becomes an instinct. "Freeze!" I shouted, "Put the baby down and your hands up! Do not move!" I was about to ask Rick why he was just standing there instead of reading her rights when she gave me a surprise of my own. Looking back, I still can't believe she did it. It was a risky move; one you only see in the movies. I remember thinking right after it happened that I'd never live it down at the office. Well I mean how are you supposed to handle a situation like that? What would you do? Crazy woman throws a baby at you? You gotta do something. Hindsight again would tell me that of course she was only doing it to distract me, but I can't be thinking about that when there is an infant flying towards my face. I did what any other cop would do if they were in my shoes. I dodged the fucker. Luckily, Rick was able to make a Web Gem save and keep the baby from getting the floor dirty. I didn't get to see it though; I was too busy getting sacked by Mrs. Freeze' sucker move. I stood her up, but she kept biting my hand when I tried to cover her mouth. She was screaming like mad, and that's the sort of thing that can really upset a child. I wished Rick would have taken it in the other room. So there I am, wrestling around this room trying not to trip over the body on the floor or run into my partner with the little kid in his arms, and this bitch is clawing my skin off trying to gauge out my eyes, and all Rick can think to say is, "Don't hit her in front of the baby! Don't hit her in front of the baby!" The truth of the matter is that I'd never strike a woman, regardless of whether or not it was in front of her child. I still say she ran through that plate glass window by herself. I was just trying to hold her back by her hair. Nevertheless, it shut her up for a while, so we weren't about to argue who's fault it was. I just wanted to get the hell out of that house. I only stuck around because Rick insisted on finding an appropriate basket to leave the baby in when we we dropped it off on the neighbor's front step. And to this day I'll never understand why he burned the place down. He kept saying something about 'evidence,' but I thought we should have at least had a look around inside beforehand to make sure nothing of value was destroyed in the fire. I guess that's just Rick for you. He's a strange guy, but a damn good police officer. I'm proud to call him my partner. Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Guest Youth N Asia Report post Posted March 16, 2003 I think I kinda like this gimmick. Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Guest The Superstar Report post Posted March 16, 2003 Indeed. Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Guest AM The Kid Report post Posted March 16, 2003 I like it, I really like it. Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Guest CoreyLazarus416 Report post Posted March 16, 2003 ...best gimmick poster ever... Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Guest RenegadeX28 Report post Posted March 16, 2003 All he needs is to get a perfect sig for that gimmick.... Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Guest The Czech Republic Report post Posted March 16, 2003 I wonder if Metal Ed had any run-ins with the law. Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Guest Hot NewzWIRE~! Report post Posted March 16, 2003 U GYAOSXEUA;!!!!11 IV HDA SEXXXXX ON DA JOB ON TEEVEE WIT ME ENDUWED NEWZ PARTNER AN MAD HER ORGAZM ONSCREEN AN GOT ARRESTEDDD!!!1 TWAS HRADCORE!1111 Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Guest Coffey Report post Posted March 16, 2003 Tl, DR For those of you who don't know the inside joke, that stands for Too Long, Didn't read. Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Guest Respect The 'Taker Report post Posted March 16, 2003 ...best gimmick poster ever... Pfft, Respect The 'Taker owns Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Guest CoreyLazarus416 Report post Posted March 16, 2003 No he doesn't...and that's you, so shut up. Officer Schmidt is second to ONLY Metal Ed. ONLY Metal Ed is greater than Officer Schmidt. Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Guest Youth N Asia Report post Posted March 16, 2003 No he doesn't...and that's you, so shut up. Officer Schmidt is second to ONLY Metal Ed. ONLY Metal Ed is greater than Officer Schmidt. Agreed Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Guest caboose Report post Posted March 16, 2003 "I'm a cop lady. Cops gotta shoot people every once in a while." I wish my sig wasn't so wonderfully morbid. Otherwise that there would be in my sig. Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Guest Angle-plex Report post Posted March 16, 2003 I swear to fucking god I've seen the guy in that avatar before. Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Guest Vern Gagne Report post Posted March 16, 2003 Any guesses who Officer Schmidt is? Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Guest Youth N Asia Report post Posted March 16, 2003 Mario? Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Guest caboose Report post Posted March 16, 2003 He's from Wichita. Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Guest Angle-plex Report post Posted March 16, 2003 He's from Wichita. I HAVE seen him before! Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Guest DrTom Report post Posted March 16, 2003 Any guesses who Officer Schmidt is? <The Kurgan>I know his name... </The Kurgan> Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Guest Flyboy Report post Posted March 16, 2003 Officer Schmidt is second to ONLY Metal Ed. ONLY Metal Ed is greater than Officer Schmidt. Guy Stokes > Officer Schmidt Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Guest evenflowDDT Report post Posted March 17, 2003 Why do you like Guy Stokes so much Flyboy? I mean, anyone can do the "cocky womanizer thing". Hell, even GimmickPoster.com did it. But only a few people can embody the true spirit of metal. Oh yea, no way did I read all that thing. Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Guest Eyeball Kid Report post Posted March 17, 2003 Witty one liners + = hilarity. Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Guest EL BRUJ0 Report post Posted March 17, 2003 Man, fuck gimmick posters. Fuck them in their gimmicky assholes. Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Guest CoreyLazarus416 Report post Posted March 17, 2003 EL BRUJ0, stop being ghey. Guy Stokes would get his skull cracked by Metal Ed, and then thrown through a plate-glass window by Officer Schmidt. Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Giuseppe Zangara 0 Report post Posted August 10, 2003 This was me. Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
rising up out of the back seat-nuh 0 Report post Posted August 10, 2003 Hooray! Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Guest Fook Report post Posted August 10, 2003 Why was this bumped anyways? It's not like we were all waiting on the edge of our seats for Incandenza to reveal he was behind another incredibly lame gimmick that no one cared about. Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Big McLargeHuge 0 Report post Posted August 10, 2003 I can't believe I missed this the first time around. This is Gold. Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Guest Agent of Oblivion Report post Posted August 10, 2003 I don't think it was. I think he's taking credit for it. Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Giuseppe Zangara 0 Report post Posted August 10, 2003 I don't think it was. I think he's taking credit for it. Nah, it was me. It was something I'd written a few years ago. Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
