Wrestling's Life Lessons

[Guest crandamaniac]

I have a speech in my public speaking class due soon, and it has to be for entertainment purposes (i.e. Funny). So I was thinking of doing a speech on what Wrestling can teach us. So what are some of the things that one can learn from wrestling that can be applied to everyday life. The more absurd the better.

[Guest HollywoodSpikeJenkins]

Obviously, How to have sex with corpses

[Guest CED Ordonez]

The secret to getting to the top is to screw the boss's daughter.

 

If your superiors tell you to lose weight, gain it. You'll be rewarded shortly thereafter.

 

Falling repeatedly on your back can cause neck damage.

[Guest BorneAgain]

That you can be dropped 50 feet in a car and be a-ok by next week.

 

Using a sledgehammer makes you a cererbral assasin.

 

And no matter how secretive your conversation is, you and your friend will always be caught on camera.

[Guest Texas Small Arms 09]

Use conditioner on your hair daily.

 

Even walking is dangerous.

 

When you get injuried you will bounce back and be bigger than ever.

 

And it could be possible to have an orgasm while screaming "Bah Gawd"

[Guest razazteca]

Baby Oil makes you shine under the lights

 

Cross overs between companies is not always successful also a gimmick in one country will not always work in another. Such as Japanese nor Mexican gimmicks never work in WWE or become waterdowned.

 

VKM is the Devil.

[Guest CanadianChick]

-Racial stereotypes are apparently funny!

*ahem*

-If you're from Asia, you are from Japan

-If you are from the same ethnic minority, you will feud/team within monthes of your arrival.

-Title belts are the deadliest weapons ever.

-Hollow steel steps are 2000 pounds

-Your personality can change quite easily (see: Edge & Christian: from goth to valley girls to what they are now.)

-Never, EVER have a wedding in a wrestling ring. Something will happen

[Guest snuffbox]

-the birthday cake rule

-there is a peculiar ammount of bleeding from the forehead, a true rarity outside the ring

-steroids are queer

[Guest WrestlingDeacon]

Always point to your head to show intelligence.

 

Baby Powder can cause temporary blindness.

 

Hush Puppies can cause concussions.

 

See that guy over there you've never met? He's your brother.

 

when two foreigners fight, the crowd will still chant USA for the face and people consider US owned territories like the Isle of Tonga and Guam to be foreign countries of evil.

 

Iran? Iraq? What's the difference?

 

The surest way to win a battle royal is to be so damn old that being thrown to the floor would result in your immediate death.

 

The USSR still exists if you had the gimmick of being an evil Russian prior to 1993.

[Guest Jack Tunney]

If you're ever in a sleeper hold don't worry,your arm won't drop the third time.

 

The laws of wrestling physics state that all tag teams will break up and feud with one another.

[Guest CED Ordonez]

Grabbing a man by the tights gives you at least 200 pounds more leverage.

 

A surprise attack should be accompanied by blaring rock music for maximum effect.

 

To sever a relationship and make people hate you, you should always gain rapport with the individual before attacking them senselessly.

 

Parts Unknown is a perfectly acceptable residence.

 

While wrestling, women must be doing at least one of the following at any given point: hair pulling, tearing clothes, fighting in a food-like substance.

 

If you must pick a fight, you must let everyone around you know what your agenda is with the person with which you want to fight over a public address system.

 

Waving a flag other than that of the United States of America's makes you an enemy.

 

You must always point to your badge to signify yourself as an authority figure.

 

If you are an authority figure, attacks that would only daze a normal person knock you out until someone revives you.

 

Hitting people with weapons is acceptable as long as an authority figure doesn't see you doing it.

 

Unless you use a weapon, no matter how much you kick, punch and maim a person, they won't stay down unless you use your finishing maneuver.

[Guest The Metal Maniac]

when two foreigners fight, the crowd will still chant USA for the face and people consider US owned territories like the Isle of Tonga and Guam to be foreign countries of evil.

 

You can toss Hawaii in there too. Damn that evil foreign Crush!

 

What I learned:

 

If you're thrown at something, always be sure to turn around before you hit it (Ropes, buckles, etc.)

 

Rhythmic clapping can heal injuries faster then any doctor or medication.

[Guest Jack Tunney]

If you are a referee you don't have to wonder how in the hell the one guy got knocked out while his opponents mananger was distracting you,just count the pinfall.

[Guest Breetai]

Samoans have heads that nothing short of a thermonuclear blast can dent.

 

Elevator cable has an unexplained property whereby runnign into it at full speed will cause one to turn around and continue running with no lost momentum.

 

Size DOES matter.

 

The Rock has a small ding-a-ling.

 

Being struck with the flat part of a blunt object will cause a thin cut to appear followed by intense bleeding.

[Guest MaxPower27]

--Don't expect to WORK at all, just show up to the building in your tights, but complain when you get a match.

 

--See those cameras? No you don't. They aren't there, so talk about what you plan to do to your opponent. They can't here you.

 

--Stomping your foot on the mat makes the punch 1500% harder and may cave in your opponent's face.

[Guest bravesfan]

Don't ever, EVER attempt to powerbomb Kidman.

[Guest BorneAgain]

Don't ever, EVER attempt to powerbomb Kidman.

Or bulldog Jackie Gayda for that matter.

[Guest Fook_Hing_Ho]

Hogan's legdrop hurts much much more than if were performed by anyone else.

 

Grabbing the ropes during a submission or putting your feet on the ropes during a pin will result in 1000X the normal amount of pressure.

 

Remember the past - you'll be using those wrestlers and ideas again before you know it.

 

You can find absolutely anything and everything under a standard wrestling ring.

 

It doesn't matter how much of a prick you are, if you help your boss screw another wrestler, you will develop a legacy and be looked upon favourably for the rest of your career.

 

Logic? What's that?

[cawthon777 0]

If your name is Hulk Hogan or Sting, be prepared to have all your friends betray you at some point.

[cawthon777 0]

--Stomping your foot on the mat makes the punch 1500% harder and may cave in your opponent's face.

Made famous by the Macho Man Randy Savage School of Pro Wrestling

 

Me as an 11 year old watching old WWF videos "Why does Savage have to stomp the mat every time he throws a jab? I don't get it..."

[Guest CoreyLazarus416]

-Thou shalt not fuck with the Dudleys.

 

-Falling only hurts if you don't hit somebody on the way down.

 

-After 15 solid minutes of punishment, shaking the ropes will revive you, and looking bug-eyed will make everybody fear you.

[Guest razazteca]

Face Paint gives you super human powers

[Guest CED Ordonez]

Wooden tables split directly in the center while announcer's tables tend to give simply give way and collapse like a house of cards.

 

If something is said to be unescapable or unbreakable, the fact is the exact opposite is true.

[Guest Jack Tunney]

If you are a heel who turns face,you are automatically freindly and all of your past evil deeds are completely forgotten.

[cawthon777 0]

History can be rewritten at any moment.

[Guest Texas Small Arms 09]

If you are burned over 95% of your body as a child, when you grow up you will sudden heal and have the burns only be on your face.

[EL DANDY~! 0]

-If you live in Grenich, CT, you too, can someday become a world champion, fuck the boss's daughter, and have long blond hair like a Playboy playmate.

 

-If they ain't real, no deal.

 

-If you intend to wrestle, make sure that you are taller and weigh more than your boss.

 

-If you intend to main event, make sure that half the muscle in your body is watered down.

 

-If you intend to be a superstar, wrestle until you are 55 or so even if the crowd doesn't give a damn.

 

-If you come from Canada, you WILL be screwed over.

 

And last, but certainly not least:

 

-If it doesn't fit, you MUST ACQUIT!

[Guest JHawk]

If you try to win when the referee's knocked out, you will lose.

 

If something works once, eventually it will stop working. But do it another 25 times because it only has to work once again.

 

Never announce your lineup until the doors open.

 

If it happened more than a week ago, then nobody remembers it, so ignore it. If someone does remember it, fire and/or ignore them.

 

If you ever get arrested for assault, you'll be released within two hours to assault the person you got arrested for assaulting.

 

I'm sure I'll think of more.

[Guest The Czech Republic]

"Everybody's Free (To Wear Spandex)."

 

Ladies and gentlemen of the class of 2003. Wear spandex. If I could give you only one piece of advice, spandex would be it. The long term benefits of spandex have been proven by wrestlers, while the rest of my advice has no basis other than my own meandering experiences. I will dispense this advice...now.

 

Enjoy the worst nights of RAW. Never mind: you won't fully appreciate a bad RAW until it gets worse, or disappears altogether. You'll look back and recall in a way you can't grasp now, that with everyone they had, it wasn't all that bad. It's not as awful as you imagine.

 

Don't worry about the WWE's future, or worry that knowing worrying will be just as effective as the Repo Man telling the audience to quiet down before he ambushes Jim Duggan. The worst things are those that never crossed your worried mind, like Kurt Angle's career possibly ending.

 

Watch one match every day that scares you.

 

Eat.

 

Don't be reckless with people's star ratings. Don't put up with people who are reckless with yours.

 

Fart.

 

Don't waste your time on HHHate. Sometime he's ahead, sometimes he's injured for months at a time. The race is long, and in the end, he's too beat up to get to the finish line in one piece.

 

Remember the good shows. Forget the bad ones. If you succeed in doing this, tell me how.

 

Keep your old action figures. Throw away your Sable posters.

 

Don't feel guilty if you still live in your mom's basement. Some of the most knowledgeable wrestling fans lived with their mothers for years. Some of the most creative minds in the sport's history still do.

 

Lay off the roids. Be kind to your quads...you'll miss them when they're gone.

 

Maybe you'll win the title, maybe you won't. Maybe you'll make the Hall of Fame, maybe you won't. Maybe you'll retire at thirty, maybe you'll show your tits and give birth to a hand. Whatever you do, don't congratulate yourself too much, or berate yourself either: half of your choices are drug-induced. So are everybody else's.

 

Enjoy Trish's body. Don't be afraid of it. Imagine how you could use it any way you can.

 

Wrestle. Even if you have nowhere to do it but on some old mattresses in your basement, watch some tapes, even if they're from Japan, DO NOT DO HARDCORE YOU WILL ONLY KILL SOMEONE.

 

Get to know every wrestler. You never know when he'll be gone for good. Be nice to your friends, they're the people closest to you and your best link to the past.

 

Understand that trends come and go, but a precious few wrestlers are timeless.

 

Work for WCW once, but leave before it makes you rich.

Work for ECW once, but leave before it makes you poor.

 

Travel. Accept certain inalienable truths: ticket prices will rise, wrestlers will get lazy, and you too will get old. And when you do, you'll talk about the days when tickets were cheap, wrestlers had workrate, and they respected the locker room leader. Respect your locker room leader.

 

Don't expect anyone else to push you. Maybe you live next door to the booker, maybe you're banging the boss's daughter, but you never know when either deal may run out.

 

Don't neglect your hair, or by the time you're thirty, you'll look sixty.

 

Be careful what you read on the Internet. Be scrupulous with those who inform you. The IWC is a form of repressed spite; expressing it will give voices to those who deserve it least, by taking the facts, spinning them, and suddenly hypothesizing that Bret Hart will lead the invasion.

 

But trust me on the spandex.