Worst possible way to use a wrestler

[Guest JDMattitudeV1]

FBI: Have them do mafia style hits on various jobbers, then the second they leave have Kane run into the room and fuck their corpse.

 

HHH: In a tribute to the kiss my ass club, HHH forms the "suck my dick" club in which after beating his opponent he burys them even further by making them suck his cock.

 

Chris Benoit : Becomes insanly jealous of everybody else having more teeth than him, so he decides to become Iscac Yankam Version 2, extacting his opponents teeth after he beats them.

 

What does it say when the worst ideas I can come up with are actually based on ones that Vince has already done.

[Guest Anglesault]

Kurt Angle Have him be a bumbling dufus who can't do anyhing right and constanty looks inept. Make it obvious that he is a midcarder, and the two or three times a year he is sent to the mains, make sure that the fans know he's a midcarder wasting everyone's time in the mains.

 

 

 

 

Oh..wait.

[Guest Redhawk]

Kurt Angle -- After Kurt loses to Brock Lesnar at Wrestlemania, he takes time off for his injury. When he comes back after a matter of months he's a different man.

 

He's got hair, which is cut in a buzzcut-like fashion. He no longer wears a singlet, but normal rasslin' tights (though still red, white and blue). He's wearing wrist tape. Most noticeably, he's got a huge tattoo on his back (the tat is an eagle, since Kurt's alma mater -- Clarion -- is the Golden Eagles). And when Kurt comes out to wrestle, he hops around all the time. He even hops around during promos.

 

What's going on, everyone asks? "Since I lost my WWE title to Brock Lesnar," Kurt says. "I realized that if I want to be the best again, I've got to model myself after the best. And I can admit that Brock's the best. I just hope he'll let bygones be bygones and take me under his wing."

 

Lesnar is of course wary, but after Kurt brings him fresh-made biscuits (just like Brock's mama used to make) for the third week in a row, Brock takes Kurt in as a student and friend. The Angle-Lesnar team can destroy any tag team they want to, and win the tag titles in short order. On the side, Brock is fighting off challenges from Paul Heyman's stable and defends the World title. Kurt, meanwhile, goes to ringside with Brock and helps him sometimes, but is also trying put together an impressive winning streak as a single. Problem is, he is still trying to get used to doing Brock's moves, and occasionally he makes a mistake on an F-5 or tries to powerbomb someone he can't (Big Show, A-Train, Nathan Jones) which costs him matches.

 

Frustrated, Kurt turns on Brock for being a bad teacher, then starts calling himself The Real Big Thing. The two fight each other at a PPV for the World title AND the right to the name "Brock Lesnar." Angle wins, and changes his name to "Brockurt Anglesnar." The original Brock must choose a new name, so he legally changes his name to "Steffany Mick Man" so he can sign the required documents to assure himself a rematch with Angle, which he wins and gets his name back.

[Guest Phoenix Fury Legdrop]

Bubba Dudley: Storm & Regal beat the utter hell out of him with chairs, so he disappears for a while, ala Cactus Jack in 1993 in WCW. He comes back, but refuses to speak. Instead, he communicates through dance. Silent Bob meets Flashdance, gotta love it!

[Guest Pigsy]

Kane unmasks and reveals his true identity: The Studd. He's really Big John Studd's long-lost son. He and the Big Show (now called The Giant) main event Wrestlemania in a bodyslam challenge match.

 

Chalie Haas paints his face black and Shelton Benjamin paints his face white. They call themselves Ebony and Ivory and do a song and dance routine about racial equality at random times during Smackdown.

[Guest Anglesault]

Kurt Angle -- After Kurt loses to Brock Lesnar at Wrestlemania, he takes time off for his injury. When he comes back after a matter of months he's a different man.

 

He's got hair, which is cut in a buzzcut-like fashion. He no longer wears a singlet, but normal rasslin' tights (though still red, white and blue). He's wearing wrist tape. Most noticeably, he's got a huge tattoo on his back (the tat is an eagle, since Kurt's alma mater -- Clarion -- is the Golden Eagles). And when Kurt comes out to wrestle, he hops around all the time. He even hops around during promos.

 

What's going on, everyone asks? "Since I lost my WWE title to Brock Lesnar," Kurt says. "I realized that if I want to be the best again, I've got to model myself after the best. And I can admit that Brock's the best. I just hope he'll let bygones be bygones and take me under his wing."

 

Lesnar is of course wary, but after Kurt brings him fresh-made biscuits (just like Brock's mama used to make) for the third week in a row, Brock takes Kurt in as a student and friend. The Angle-Lesnar team can destroy any tag team they want to, and win the tag titles in short order. On the side, Brock is fighting off challenges from Paul Heyman's stable and defends the World title. Kurt, meanwhile, goes to ringside with Brock and helps him sometimes, but is also trying put together an impressive winning streak as a single. Problem is, he is still trying to get used to doing Brock's moves, and occasionally he makes a mistake on an F-5 or tries to powerbomb someone he can't (Big Show, A-Train, Nathan Jones) which costs him matches.

 

Frustrated, Kurt turns on Brock for being a bad teacher, then starts calling himself The Real Big Thing. The two fight each other at a PPV for the World title AND the right to the name "Brock Lesnar." Angle wins, and changes his name to "Brockurt Anglesnar." The original Brock must choose a new name, so he legally changes his name to "Steffany Mick Man" so he can sign the required documents to assure himself a rematch with Angle, which he wins and gets his name back.

Hey, that's better than their current feud!

[King Cucaracha 0]

How about Lance Storm as 'The Smark'. He could be regularly seen on a laptop in the background, and would appear in every other segment. Vince could then make him seem like the stereotypical 'bitter Smark' by complaining about everything. Whenever someone messes up in the ring, Storm can be seen on his computer typing rapidly, muttering to himself 'Wow, that was gold...this'll get me some friends for sure'. Give him an equivilent of the HHHonk to make him seem more geeky. Have people eventually join him...like Chris Nowinski. They could cut short long promos and complain about the lack of wrestling...teach Scott Steiner that muscles don't equal stamina...keep asking Jeff if he's really gay...bow down to Mattitude or Sean O'Haire whenever they are in shot...be sat at ringside with 'typical Smark signs'...and start abusing HHH mentally and physically whenever he's around.

 

First major storyline...climing that Ric Flair is actually being held prisoner by HHH. HHH comes out to cut a promo. Whenever he goes to speak, for some reason a loud 'WHOOOOO!' rings around the arena. HHH gets angry and eventually turns on Flair. Smarks rejoice...both here and there. They ask Flair to go back to his roots, until Flair introduces them to his son...David Flair! The Smarks drop to their knees tearing their hair out.

 

Or, they could do JR impressions, and hire a Cruiserweight to be 'The Hoss Machine'. Leading to an inevitable feud with JR and King.

 

Upsides:Could actually be a funny angle if they got an intelligent Smark to book it. Punblicity for us. Downsides: The Marks wouldn't understand a thing about it, and Vince would use it for his own personal pleasure.

[Guest Redhawk]

Team Angle -- With their leader out with an injury, Shelton Benjamin and Charlie Haas need direction. They turn to NFL Films for inspiration, and soon repackage themselves as...Team Bengal. They change from red, white and blue to orange and black, with Shelton occasionally wearing Cory Dillon jerseys and Haas wearing Carson Palmer jerseys. They constantly talk about how they wish Kurt Angle would come back, but for some reason they always refer to Kurt as "Boomer." They're young and talented, but need help. Some matches they give a good effort, but are undone by some rookie mistakes at the end. Some matches they don't seem to try at all...just like the real Bengals. They fire Paul Heyman as their "coach," and hire Teddy Long, but he only helps them improve slightly. Eventually, Benjamin leaves the team when his contract runs out and signs with Evolution, claiming, "I have no hard feeling toward the Bengal organization, but I need to provide for my family, and I want to have a chance to win a tag team title." Upside: They'd be over HUGE in Ohio and some of the Midwest, and with NFL fans. Downside: It would allow Michael Cole to complete his transformation into JR Jr., as he can now talk about football all the time.

[Guest the 1inch punch]

Well, they do need smoething to do after WM

[Guest Redhawk]

Christian -- After Jericho moves up to the main event and leaves Christian behind, Christian decides to try and be like Jay Leno. In the return of the Piper's Pit/Barber Shop segment, Christian -- now called Jay Reso (his real name) -- hosts "Late Night RAW," a talk show where Reso has other wrestlers as guests. Of course, when the guest is a heel Reso kisses his ass, and when it's a face he ridicules him. Of course this leads to faces destroying the set week after week. Upside: Allows Christian to show off his comedy skills. Downside: Will probably lead to a Jimmy Kimmel/Maven vs. Reso/Nowinski PPV match

[Guest TheZsaszHorsemen]

How about Lance Storm as 'The Smark'. He could be regularly seen on a laptop in the background, and would appear in every other segment. Vince could then make him seem like the stereotypical 'bitter Smark' by complaining about everything. Whenever someone messes up in the ring, Storm can be seen on his computer typing rapidly, muttering to himself 'Wow, that was gold...this'll get me some friends for sure'. Give him an equivilent of the HHHonk to make him seem more geeky. Have people eventually join him...like Chris Nowinski. They could cut short long promos and complain about the lack of wrestling...teach Scott Steiner that muscles don't equal stamina...keep asking Jeff if he's really gay...bow down to Mattitude or Sean O'Haire whenever they are in shot...be sat at ringside with 'typical Smark signs'...and start abusing HHH mentally and physically whenever he's around.

 

First major storyline...climing that Ric Flair is actually being held prisoner by HHH. HHH comes out to cut a promo. Whenever he goes to speak, for some reason a loud 'WHOOOOO!' rings around the arena. HHH gets angry and eventually turns on Flair. Smarks rejoice...both here and there. They ask Flair to go back to his roots, until Flair introduces them to his son...David Flair! The Smarks drop to their knees tearing their hair out.

 

Or, they could do JR impressions, and hire a Cruiserweight to be 'The Hoss Machine'. Leading to an inevitable feud with JR and King.

 

Upsides:Could actually be a funny angle if they got an intelligent Smark to book it. Punblicity for us. Downsides: The Marks wouldn't understand a thing about it, and Vince would use it for his own personal pleasure.

This is worse than "The Man With No Personality?"

[Guest Redhawk]

Test -- Hire Shane Douglas and have him rehash the Dean Douglas character. Or better yet, have Dean Malenko be a manager who calls himself, "The Dean." I'd suggest using Chris Nowinski in this role, but this thread is about the worst ways to use a guy, and Nowinski would be too good for it. Either way, take someone and give them a scholar gimmick. Then you take Test and make him that guy's enforcer. Get it? In order to get to Dean Douglas or The Dean, you have to "pass the Test." Upside: Test no longer has to act or talk. Downside: Dean Malenko has to talk or Shane Douglas might have to wrestle.

[Guest AndrewTS]

Christian -- After Jericho moves up to the main event and leaves Christian behind, Christian decides to try and be like Jay Leno. In the return of the Piper's Pit/Barber Shop segment, Christian -- now called Jay Reso (his real name) -- hosts "Late Night RAW," a talk show where Reso has other wrestlers as guests. Of course, when the guest is a heel Reso kisses his ass, and when it's a face he ridicules him. Of course this leads to faces destroying the set week after week. Upside: Allows Christian to show off his comedy skills. Downside: Will probably lead to a Jimmy Kimmel/Maven vs. Reso/Nowinski PPV match

No--it would turn out to be Kilborne, since that's who WWE guys are guests on these days.

 

Who the fuck is Kilborne again? Jayzus, Miller Light catfight girls, Kilborne--nobody gives a shit anymore.

[Guest Redhawk]

Kilborne is like 6-foot-5 or something and played college basketball, so he'd probably be better in the ring than Jimmy Kimmel.

[Guest Redhawk]

Jeff Hardy

 

1) Turn him from Mr. Extreme to Mr. Conservative. He loses the face paint and wild hair, and starts wearing plain white trunks and white boots. He dyes his hair back to whatever color it used to be originally, and in the ring he only does the most basic, Tough Enough-like moves. Or, in other words, he becomes a White version of Maven. Or...

 

2) Give him a stand-up comic character. His music changes from the current one to a cheesy, "Stand Back" type song. He tells jokes before matches and during promos, which are of course funny for all the wrong reasons because he's not funny and you can't figure out what he's talking about anyway. In fact, turn him into that one really corny Southern comic....not Jeff Foxworthy...damn, what's his name? Rodney something?

[Guest Jobber of the Week]

Shane Helms: In the vein of IRS, he becomes the wrestling politician (no, not the HHH variety, you dumbasses.) Gets out of matches by delivering long "filibuster" promos. In an interview, McMahon says he doesn't care that Helms has both a southern accent and a slight speech impediment, because "it's funny and it makes a political statement."

[Guest RepoMan]

Upside: They'd be over HUGE in Ohio and some of the Midwest, and with NFL fans.

They wouldn't even be over in Cincinatti.

[Guest Razor Roman]

Albert aka A-Train aka A-Trocious - have him believe that he really is a hairy ape. He can stoop down, dragging his knuckles, scratching his armpits while going "ook ook". Bring in George The Animal Steele to act as his manager. Upside - The addition of "gorilla" moves would triple his moveset. Stooping down would mean he no longer has to raise his arms and chest like he has a pickle up his ass. Downside - We would lose the benefit of his incredible promo ability.

I always thought that A-train shoud just use the old 30's song "Take the A-Train" as his entrance theme. Play an old scratchy recording of it. I'd mark for it! lol. Maybe Albert could even morph into a Big Bully Busick type character.

[Guest Kid Kablam]

Two words: Snuff FIlm.

 

Think about it. Stepanie leaves to go on a short trip but doesn't return. After a month of searching for her, Vince recieves a mysterious package on his desk containing an 8 MM print of a girl resembling Stephanie being tortured and killed. Furious, Vince sends out HHH and ace Reporter Gregorey Helms to track down the fiends. Along the way they encounter the FBI who lead them to an underworld they never imagined existed. The FBI acts as tour guides as HHH and Helms encounter horror after horror. Meanwhile, back in WWE. Lita and Stacy disapear, and two more films arrive. Things are getting desperate, and so Vince brings back the APA and begs Rocky to help reform the corporation. A new version of the NOD is also formed, and the Ministry even makes a comeback. So we've got all the factions from late 90s together again. Anyway, in the end, we find out that it was Vince Russo and Billionaire Ted all along, and that none of the girls are truly dead, but Linda IS and Russo will show her snuff film on the Titan Tron if Goldberg Beats the Rock in an I Quit match. Goldberg wins the match after they pipe "I Quit" into the PA system, and the dreadful film is shown. But instead, it's just Bossman slaughtering Pepper. Vince's face goes white as a sheet as Linda emerges from backstage and reveals that she is pregnant with Ted's child, as Ted is the real Genetic Jackhammer, and so Linda, who gained her portion of the company back after Stone COld lost his shares of WWE to Sam, the Titan Janitor, in a drinking contest, and Linda slept wit Sam for possesion of the shares. Sam comes out, and is immediately attacked by Test. But the attack is short lived as HHH comes out and pedigrees Test. HHH then pedigrees Helms, and reveals to the world that Helms is indeed the infamous Hurricane. The American Badass comes out to make the save, But CHokeslams Hurricane instead. Linda then orders that Helms be crucified to teach others a lesson. The crucifixtion takes place, and Helms is cremated after he dies. Undertaker starts carrying the ashes in an urn that he wears around his neck. And my brain hurts. I can't write another thing. Let's just say that Hurrican arises but is smited by HHH. Linda gives birth to a hand, but it has Satan's eyes, and therefore it is Ted's property. Ted uses te hand to bring back WCW which spawns the Immigration Angle, where WCW stars all wrestle matches that garuntee that they be let out of their contracts. All of them win, but only because WWE's stars forfiet the matches because nobody wants the WCW trash around. So with a final burial, everyone heads back to WCW to begin the Monday Night Wars Part II.

 

Scarily enough, I could see Vince do this

[Guest Redhawk]

Viscera -- You know how Giant Gonzales had the suit that looked like muscles? Well, have Viscera wear a suit that looks like intestines/entrails (that's what "viscera" really is). He'd be the Inside-Out Man. Plus, he could bring a jar of "some red and pink substance" to the ring with him, and JR could pretend like he doesn't know what it is so they won't get in trouble for saying "a jar of guts."

[Guest edge007]

The three brothers go out looking for their father. It turns out to be Vince McMahon. It was him ALL ALONG!

 

Oh, man, that's good!

 

My input is:

 

Big Show's special move is jumping off the titantron, into a body splash

 

Positive

 

Would look pretty damn awesome

 

Negatives

 

Could kill somebody

 

The titantron my crush under Big Show's weight

 

30 minutes would be taken up, just from Big Show climbing the titantron

 

heh heh