Hot Shit Wresting EWR Diary

March 31, 2003

State of the Union Address for Wednesday April 9th

For all of you who seem to care of such things, this is the complete rundown of the fed as it stands a week after starting. Want to know anything else? Ask.

Hot Shit Wrestling (HSW)

Cult organization

Public Image: 48%

Owner: Unknown Faceless Corporate Executives ‘R Us

Operating Capital as of Wednesday April 9th: $22,979,460

Risk Level 65%

Production Values: 70%

Merchandising: 50%

Advertising: 50%

Main Sponsor: David, Lee, and Roth

Minor Sponsors: Kipp Gambling, Phillips’ GFX, Xander Construction

Television:

HSW Steaming Funk

Primetime on TQS

Currently 13 weeks left on contract

Highest possible rating: 2.02

Average rating: 2.02

Current hosts: Joey Styles & Steve Michael Payton

Wrestling Market:

The market is at a healthy 60% of its peak and heading for a boom period

Staff:

Announcers-Joey Styles and Steve Michael Payton

Referees-Andrew Thomas, Claudia Keiff, Kevin Radcliff, Speedy Nelson

Production-Andrew Krowczyk, Bob Bobson, Dave Unsworth, Velouria Hilton

Medical-Hazel Bloxum, Ian Snodin, Minh Tran

Writers-Ben Pearce, Dalai Samri, Kristina Fish, Nev Southall

Road Agents-Eric Buss, John Franklin, Martyn Staddon, Undercover Ninja

At this time we can hire staff workers of 75 or below skill level

Roster

Main Eventers

FACES

Terry Funk

Nikita Koloff

HEELS

Redneck Jesus Barry Windham

Honky Tonk Orton

Sandman

Upper Carders

FACES

“Carless” Mark Jindrak

Tazz’s Cousin Chris Chetti

HEELS

Supreme

Mark Henry

Mid Carders

FACES

GQ Money

Joey Numbers

Alter Boy Luke

HEELS

Anus Boy Matthew

Bobby Eaton

Stan Lane

Marty Fuckin’ Jannetty

Disgraceland

Repo Man

Lower Carders

FACES

Austin Lee

HEELS

FlockNest Monster

Rod Steel

Roderick Strong

Jorge Estrada

Openers

FACES

The Drunk Irishman

The Miserly Jew

HEELS

Bilvis Weseley

“Hot Shit” Tony Stetson

Managers

FACE

T’Pol

Sophie

HEEL

Lizzy Borden

Lady Victoria

Heavy D

Non-Wrestlers

HEEL

Deacon

Giant Gonzalez

Feuds:

Terry Funk vs. Sandman (79)

Barry Windham vs. Nikita Koloff (72)

Honky Tonk Orton vs. “Carless Mark Jindrak (51)

Austin Lee vs. the FlockNest Monster (26)

Alter Boy Luke vs. Anus Boy Matthew(24)

YOUR Stacker 2 Connection vs. the Fat Boys (47)

2 Tickets 2 Paradise vs. Midnight Express (38)

Tag Teams:

Midnight Express (Eaton and Lane (Experience level of 100)

Whump Ass Connection (Jannetty and Stetston) (13)

2 Tickets 2 Paradise (Money and Dinero) (47)

Memphis Mafia (Wesely and Estrada) (25)

Hard Rodz (Steel and Strong) (31)

Politically Incorrect (Irishman and Jew) (14)

The Fat Boys (Henry and Johnson) (53)

YOUR Stacker 2 Connection (Numbers and Chetti) (51)

Stables:

ENTERPRISE:

T’Pol (stable manager)

Terry Funk (stable leader)

GQ Money

Julio Dinero

FLOCK-NEST

Lady Victoria (stable manager and current leader)

Supreme

FlockNest Monster

Marty Fuckin’ Janetty

“Hot Shit” Tony Stetson

eXXXiles

Lizzy Borden (stable manager and leader)

Roderick Strong

Rod Steel

Anus boy Matthew

MEMPHIS MAFIA

Honky Tonk Orton (stable leader)

Disgraceland

Bilvis Wesely

Jorge Estrada

CHURCH OF THE DEACON

Deacon

Sophie

Giant Gonzalez

March 31, 2003

HSW Steaming Funk for April 2nd, 2003

Live from the Toilet (our home arena)

Hosts: Joey Styles and Steve Michael Payton

The head of Hot Shit Wrestling, HSW, comes down to the ring, namely me, The Deacon. (yes, I created myself and put me in the game, if you don’t like it…well…sorry really) Deacon has an over seven-foot tall giant dressed like Big Bubba Rogers and a hot brunette in tow. He gets in the ring and grabs a microphone. “I hated you long before you hated me, so get over it. I took the XPW down from the inside, which wasn’t very hard considering everybody there was stoned and horny most of the time. I took the ruins of that fed and built this one, Hot Shit Wrestling. It’s the future of wrestling today! Well exhibited by us having Nikita Koloff and Barry Windham on the roster. Now, for all you people out there and in the back, there are three rules you have to be aware of around here. Rule one: don’t fuck with me. I am your brother, father, lover, drug dealer, weird uncle with all the porno mags in the basement and that guy at the record store who laughs at you for buying Hall and Oates on cd. Second rule: See this big son of a bitch behind me. This is my enforcer Giant Gonzalez. You want to be a whiny bitch, you want to be put over all the time, Gonzalez will job you out of existence like he invented it. Rule number two: Don’t fuck with Gonzalez! Rule number three: see this pussy. This is Sophie. She’s my secretary and cum dumpster. This is my pussy, not your pussy. Rule number three: Don’t fuck my pussy! Remember these three simple rules and all will be jake. Now, I guess I need to hand out some titles, so we’re going to have some tournaments. I’ve got the brackets written on Sophie’s bare ass cheeks. Bend over Sophie. The finals will be held at our month end pay-per-view, Super Karate Monkey Deathcar!”

Tournament Fields:

HSW Hot Shit Title:

Redneck Jesus Barry Windham vs. Nikita Koloff

Tazz’s Cousin Chris Chetti vs. Supreme

HSW Lukewarm Shit Title:

Repo Man vs. Alter Boy Luke

FlockNest Monster vs. Austin Lee

HSW Tag Titles:

Politically Incorrect vs. the Hard Rodz

YOUR Stacker 2 Connection vs. The Fat Boys

Memphis Mafia vs. the Midnight Express

Whump Ass Express vs. 2 Tickets 2 Paradise

Segment Rating: 82%

Lizzy Borden is in the back with Coat Rack Steven Richards, because I didn’t hire any other announcers. She left the XPW, because Rob Black was treating her like a slut, when she’s really a whore. There’s a difference. She’s brought two porn stars with her (and I can’t believe porn star isn’t a gimmick in the game), Roderick Strong and Rod Steel. THE HARD RODZ~~! The crowd is apathetic despite the double tilde bang. Fine be that way; because the eXXXiles will only get bigger as she plays with them. Strong: “Like a dick.”

Segment Rating: 36%

Meet the New Crap, Same as the Old Crap Tag Match

Politically Incorrect vs Hard Rodz:

Steel hits a punch, but takes one right back. CLUBBERIN', CLUBBERIN', THEY BE CLUBBERIN' TONY! Sorry, flashback moment. Steel gets squashed in the corner with a clothesline. Cover for a two count. Rod Steel takes the advantage after a i-block-your-punch-you-don't-block-mine routine. Rod Steel snap suplexes Irishman. Tiger bomb by Rod Steel, although no mention is made of whether it originated in Pearl River. Tag to Roderick Strong. Flying elbow from Roderick Strong. The Drunk Irishman elbows Roderick Strong in the face to break a hammerlock. Irishman tags out to The Miserly Jew. Politically Incorrect whip Roderick into the ropes and hit a double clothesline. MJ suplexes Roderick to the canvas. There's a two count on the pin. The Miserly Jew hits a shaky delayed suplex on Roderick. Tag between The Miserly Jew and The Drunk Irishman. The Drunk Irishman scores with a poor standing spinebuster. Cover, but there's a last second kick-out. The Drunk Irishman gets taken down out of nowhere. Roderick tags out to Rod Steel. Vertical suplex by Rod Steel. Lizzy Borden is at ringside! Irishman wastes valuable time by yelling at Borden! Rod Steel takes advantage of the distraction and nails Irishman from behind! The Drunk Irishman can barely stand. Here it comes – Rod Thrust. 1....2...3, it's finished. Slap a DUD on it, move on.

(I should hire Tony Schiavone and Dusty Rhodes so Keith doesn’t have to have ‘cluberin’’ flashbacks anymore. He can live the beauty live. Post match, Lizzy Borden dances on the Drunk Irishman’s passed out face. It’s kind of like how Ted Dibiase would stuff dollar bills in a jobbers mouth, only with Lizzy it’s pussy. I’m using that word a lot. HSW: The pussy federation. Strong: “He means a vagina.”)

Winner: Hard Rodz

Overall Rating: 41%

Crowd Reaction: 23%

Match Quality: 60%

Cut to a subway station bathroom where a man in a mask and jacket with tread marks over it skulks. “Yes, it is I the Repo Man (cackles like Frank Gorshin). I have returned to wrestling to the HSW (screeches like Paul Lynde). I will repossess everything Hot Shit has to offer (guffaws like a coked up Charles Nelson Reilly) and I’m getting practice here in the subway bathroom. There’s a lot of hot shit to be found here (giggles like Jenna Elfman on roofies).” Repo Man starts digging steaming turds out of the toilets and putting them in a bag. A nearby wino ask, “you gonna eat all that?”

(Yes, it is really Barry Darsow, he’s in the new version of EWR. God bless, Adam Ryland!)

Segment Rating: 65%

T’Pol and Lady Victoria are eating stale donuts in the back. At least it’s better than the moldy donuts they had at XPW. Victoria isn’t fond of no longer being in charge and given castoffs to manage. Hell, T’Pol still has to deal with 2 Tickets 2 Paradise and Terry Funk. At least she doesn’t have to dip her breasts into tea anymore, but she shouldn’t say that aloud, wouldn’t want to give anybody any ideas. A production assistant from off stage calls, “ok ladies, coffee breaks over.” They shrug and immediately start slugging it out, ripping clothes and sodomizing anuses. No matter how much things change, they still stay the same.

Segment Rating: 49%

First Round Match for the HSW Lukewarm Shit Title, Like You Don’t Know Who’s Going Over

FlockNest Monster vs Austin Lee:

Lee hits a dropkick on FlockNest Monster. Super kick by Austin Lee. Hooks the leg for a two count. Monster blocks the suplex attempt. Stiff high kick on Lee by FlockNest Monster who has evidently been watching some old AJPW tapes recently. Flying elbow from FlockNest Monster. Cover for a two count. Back heel kick off the second rope, Lee goes down. Cover, but there's a last second kick-out. FlockNest Monster hits a rolling kick on Lee. Austin Lee ducks a clothesline attempt. Super kick by Austin Lee. Hooks the leg for a two count. Diamond Dust from Austin Lee, Monster is out. Pin : 1 - 2 - 2.9999999. Lee uses a basement dropkick to the knee. Lee hits a massive spinning kick to the jaw. FlockNest Monster powers out of a Austin Lee headlock. Hard back suplex on Lee. Anyone remember when that was Shawn Michaels's finisher? Lee walks into a face crusher variation. Austin Lee gets knocked to the ground by Monster, who is already climbing the turnbuckle. Off the top - Moonsault, forget about it. 1....2...3! Nothing worth seeing here, i'll give a 1\2 star rating because i'm generous.

(Austin Lee is some jobber with the gimmick of “degenerate.” So he sounded perfect for me to pick up. You got any ideas on what to do with him, ship them my way. On a side note, the FlockNest Monster and Ahmed Johnson are losing heat due to be overly pushed. I had Ahmed eat the people who thought that though, so everything should be cool now.)

Winner: FlockNest Monster

Overall Rating: 46%

Crowd Reaction: 26%

Match Quality: 67%

Nikita Koloff is in the back with Jesus. Barry Windham might think he’s the Redneck Jesus, but there is no substitute for the real Jesus, the snob, stuck up aristocrat who looks down on us all. If he can reform a Commie bastard like Nikita he can reform anybody. He’s here in the HSW to do His will and try to tame this sexist and filthy fed. Also he was tired of hauling around Ted Dibiase’s bags and him calling him “Virgil” all the time. Like Dibiase thought a Christian fed would fly, what in the hell was he thinking?

Segment Rating: 75%

So We Just Did This Match on the Last Big Show, But We’re Not in that Fed Anymore, so I can Reuse Old Match-ups Like They’re New Match-ups and You Guys Just Have to Live With It as I Let Power Go to My Head Tag Match

YOUR Stacker 2 Connection vs The Fat Boys:

Weak slam from Henry. Mark Henry hits a bulldog off the ropes. Hooks the leg for a two count. Tag between Mark Henry and Ahmed Johnson. The Fat Boys whip Numbers into the ropes and hit a double back elbow. Ahmed Johnson hits a big clothesline, not of the 'from Hell' variety. Hooks the leg for a two count. Ahmed Johnson strikes Joey Numbers. Joey Numbers avoids a Ahmed Johnson avalanche. Joey Numbers with an enziguri. Tag to Tazz's Cousin Chris Chett. Spin kick by Tazz's Cousin Chris Chett to the face. Ahmed takes a hurrancarana from Tazz's Cousin Chris Chett. Ahmed Johnson powers out of a Tazz's Cousin Chris Chett headlock. Tag to Mark Henry. Henry hits a stump piledriver on Tazz's Cousin Chris Chett. Flapjack from Henry on Chetti. Cover, but there's a last second kick-out. Chetti takes a weak kick. Henry drops an elbow...but misses. Fate can be so cruel. Spinning bulldog in the corner, Henry is down. Mark Henry misses a clothesline...and takes out the referee by mistake. Tazz's Cousin Chris Chett knocks Henry to the outside, then signals for the Chetti-Plex. He reaches out of the ring for Mark Henry...and gets clobbered with the ring bell! Right to the head! The referee looks up to see Henry sliding in and making the pinfall. The referee calls for the bell though! He's disqualifying Mark Henry, he must have seen the ring bell shot! The match is over. The Fat Boys look like they aren't done...and they attack YOUR Stacker 2 Connection! After an exchange of blows, Chetti and Numbers are laid out in the ring. This one gets * rating and likes it.

(Because of the long name, the ‘i’ got cut off on Chetti in his full name, but not his nickname. Kind of like how you never knew if it was Rotunda or Rotundo. Post match, Ahmed and Mark are ecstatic about earning a * rating and celebrate by eating all the stuff the fans throw at them. I swear, fat, unover, useless, lard ass black guy jokes will never get old. NEVER!)

Winner: YOUR Stacker 2 Connection

Overall Rating: 51%

Crowd Reaction: 52%

Match Quality: 50%

Redneck Jesus Barry Windham is in the back with a six-pack of Pabst Blue Ribbon beer and a coon dog named “Chieftan.” Windham was raised in 100 proof and washed in the blood of the lamb. He’s been saved and he believes in God, but what has God ever done for him and his people. He’s the messiah for the trailer park trash, he teaches the infirm to walk to the welfare office and the blind to see porn…through braile. Braile porn, trust him, they’ve got it. If a Godless Communist…uh…hold up Barry, Koloff’s found God and Communism is dead…not in his skewed worldview brother, KILL THE RUSSIANS! DEAD RUSSIANS = RATINGZ! I’m so going to hell.

Segment Rating: 62%

What the Fuck is Wrong With Me, Look at What’s Booked for the Main Event Singles Match

Nikita Koloff vs Barry Windham:

Weak slam from Koloff. Messed up bodyslam by Koloff. There's a two count on the pin. Barry Windham takes the advantage after a i-block-your-punch-you-don't-block-mine routine. Uninspiring brawling from Barry Windham. Nikita Koloff takes a right hand to the temple from Windham. Hooks the leg for a two count. Barry Windham turns Koloff inside-out with a clothesline. Cover, but there's a last second kick-out. Koloff takes a vertical suplex. Nikita Koloff elbows Barry Windham in the face to break a hammerlock. Nikita Koloff hits a sloppy bulldog off the ropes. Cover for a two count. Flapjack from Koloff on Windham. Pinfall attempt gets a 2.9999. Punch by Koloff, missing Windham by a good six inches. Nikita Koloff hits a weak punch on Barry Windham. Windham kicks Nikita Koloff in the gut to reverse the momentum. Windham slams Nikita Koloff down. Big John Studd would be proud, no doubt. Flapjack from Windham on Koloff. Barry Windham gets whipped into the corner. Koloff charges in, but into a pair of raised boots. Windham uses a roll up, with feet on the second rope! The referee hasn't seen it: 1....2....3!! I don't think the fight has finished. Nikita Koloff and Windham have begun brawling again! They wind up brawling all the way down the aisle and out of view. Almost a ** match, but not quite - *1\2 rating.

(How the fuck did that get two stars? Did Koloff and Windham buy ten copies of Keith’s new book or something? Everything was weak and bad and sloppy and…pretty much like a match they would have had back in 1986.)

Winner: Barry Windham

Overall Rating: 60%

Crowd Reaction: 64%

Match Quality: 51%

The Deacon is hanging out in the back with Sophie and Giant Gonzalez. Terry Funk storms in. He walked through forty-seven miles of barbed wire and took a cobra snake for a necktie to get here. Now he finds out that he’s not in the World Title tournament after Deacon promised to the put the title on him in the first place. Ok, ok, first of all, love the tie, don’t we Gonzalez “The tie’s rockin’ like Dokken boss.” Gonzalez shoots the metal. Sandman runs in next. He heard what Funk said in the hall and he was promised the Hot Shit Title. In comes Honky Tonk Orton and he was promised the Hot Shit Title. Mark Jindrak limps in, sweating and breathing hard. He ran all the way to the Toilet from Comcastlevania, because he was promised the Hot Shit Title too. It’s a real clusterfuck and everyone starts whipping their dicks out and measuring them. Don’t even make Gonzalez drop his pants. I’ll tell you what I’ll do, you guys can have a four corners match next week and the winner gets an automatic bid to Super Karate Monkey Deathcar to face the tourney winner. Everyone grumbles. And I’ll throw in a case of bourbon Sandman: “Deal!” And some new cookie sheets. Funk: “Deal!” And a thirteen-year-old girl with a bucket of deep fried pickles. Orton: “Deal!” But I’m not buying anybody a car. Jindrak: “……” Serious, I’m not buying anybody a car. So, just walk on back from where you came from and… Jindrak: “Ok, ok, I’ll do the match.”

Segment Rating: 69%

Show Rating: 58%

TV Rating: 2.02

Attendance: 382 septic tank workers who thought they were going to see a big ass toilet, instead of wrestling that belongs there.

March 31, 2003

Austin Lee is some jobber with the gimmick of “degenerate.”

Well, his name's Austin and he's a degenerate. Maybe you can have him stuck in 1998 or something.

Oh yeah, and I like Hot Shit Wrestling already.

March 31, 2003

RISK LEVEL 65% !?!?!?!?!

Frost that is not on

April 1, 2003

HSW Steaming Funk for April 9th, 2003

Live from the Toilet (our home arena)

Hosts: Joey Styles and Steve Michael Payton

Sophie meets up with the Deacon in back before the show. She’s got some great ideas for the federation and thinks… “Whoa, whoa, whoa,” Deacon cuts her off. “You’re pussy, pussy doesn’t think. Your job is to give me blowjobs, fake orgasms so I feel like a man and occasionally make me a sandwich. It is not your job to run this federation. I think my booking speaks for itself. (and it says ‘drizzling shit’) So, why don’t you go shave Gonzalez’ back and let me start the show.” Deacon walks off, leaving Sophie miffed. In walks a shirtless Gonzalez with a pair of industrial strength hair clippers. Gonzalez: “We might have to just slash and burn.”

Segment Rating: 78%

Honky Tonk Orton pulls up to the Toilet in a pink Cadillac on loan from Diamond Dallas Page. Well…if by “loaned” you mean, “stolen” and by “Diamond Dallas Page” you mean “Diamond Jim Phillips the Chevy dealer on West 5th.” The rest of the Memphis Mafia, Jorge Estrada, Bilvis Wesley and Disgraceland, meet him. Estrada and Wesley have a tag match with the Midnight Express coming up. Good lord, you’d think Jim Cornette with a hard on was booking. Orton can’t worry about that now, he’s got to win the four way later tonight and earn a Hot Shit Title shot. Disgraceland, guard the car and make sure “Carless” Mark Jindrak doesn’t steal what Orton’s already stolen.

Segment Rating: 70%

Jerry Lawler Wet Dream Tag Match

Memphis Mafia vs Midnight Express:

Leg trip from Bobby Eaton. Bobby Eaton snap suplexes Bilvis...with authority! ('With authority', trademark G.Monsoon 1986.) There's a two count on the pin. Tag to Stan Lane. Midnight Express hook up Bilvis, then hit a double suplex. Hooks the leg for a two count. Sweet Stan slams Bilvis Wesley down. Big John Studd would be proud, no doubt. Bilvis blocks a punch. Bilvis suplexes Stan Lane badly. Cover for a two count. Tag between Bilvis Wesley and Jorge Estrada. Lightning kick by Estrada on Sweet Stan. Pin, but Sweet Stan is out just before the three count. Estrada uses a basement dropkick to the knee. Sweet Stan blocks a punch. Sweet Stan slams Jorge Estrada down. Big John Studd would be proud, no doubt. Tag to Bobby Eaton. Estrada takes a back suplex. Tag between Jorge Estrada and Bilvis Wesley. Eaton hits a spinning back kick. Bilvis Wesley is in big trouble...Rocket Launcher!! 1....2....3! This one gets * rating and likes it.

(Post match, Stan and Bobby tell “Ricky” that he put in good effort and compliment “Robert” on his new tan and for cutting the mullet. They need to run to the back and watch a new show called “Baywatch” that they’ve heard so much about and order a Dominoes pizza if they can avoid the Noid. You guys getting the sledgehammer of gimmick with them yet?)

Winner: Midnight Express

Overall Rating: 53%

Crowd Reaction: 47%

Match Quality: 60%

Alter Boy Luke finds the eXXXiles dressing room and walks in on Anus Boy Matthew shaving his pubic hair. Luke has no idea what’s come over Matthew lately. When XPW folded and the Deacon hired them on, he hooks up with Lizzy Borden and her stable of porn stars. He hasn’t heard from him in months and finds out that he’s changed his name to “Anus Boy Matthew.” He knows they’re alter boys, but that doesn’t mean they should vocally promote their love for gay anal sex. Hey, Matthew’s not gay. He’s not catching he’s pitching. He does the guy, the guy does him, it doesn’t matter. No, you don’t understand, he fucks GIRLS in the ass. Man, Matthew, now you’re just in denial. Shemales and transsexuals really aren’t girls per say. You need help. Luke shakes his head in disgust and heads for the ring while Matthew continues to prepare for the making of a new porno entitled “Oh, Cum All Ye’ Faithful.”

Segment Rating: 31%

I Stole the Shroud of Turin and Used it to Wipe My Ass Singles Match

Repo Man vs Alter Boy Luke:

Luke receives some unexciting punishment. Weak bodyslam on Luke by Repo. Repo Man hits a sloppy double axe handle. Flapjack from Repo on Luke. Anus Boy Matthew comes running down the aisle and into the ring! Alter Boy Luke turns around.... and gets floored! Anus Boy Matthew climbs the turnbuckles. Off the top - Top Rope Legdrop!!! Matthew leaves the ring, the damage done! Cover gets three. Repo Man pinned Luke. Repo and Matthew tie Alter Boy Luke up in the ropes, then start punching away at him until referees run down and break it up. Nothing worth seeing here, i'll give a 1\2 star rating because i'm generous.

(Originally, I wanted to put Alter Boy Luke over here to face the FlockNest Monster for the Lukewarm Shit Title, but Repo Man refused to job to him. If the Repo Man won’t lay down for you, you have serious heat issues.)

Winner: Repo Man

Overall Rating: 47%

Crowd Reaction: 34%

Match Quality: 61%

“Carless” Mark Jindrak arrives at the arena on a Mr. T big wheel he picked up at Goodwill. He finds T’Pol spread out on the hood of Orton’s Cadillac in her underwear while Disgraceland takes pictures. He told her it was for a spread in Popular Science. Jindrak cold cocks Disgraceland from behind with the big wheel. He then steals the keys off of him and looks to take the Cadillac. However, he now comes to the realization that he can’t drive. Nor can he read, or write, or make good linguini, or ever do those magic eye puzzles in the back of Highlights magazines, and he could never find Waldo come to think of it…Jindrak trails off listing his shortcomings while T’Pol goes into Pon Farr and masturbates with the hood ornament.

Segment Rating: 56%

Despite the People Involved I Really Can’t Come up With a Funny Title Tag Match

2 Tickets 2 Paradise vs Whump Ass Express:

"Hot Shit" Tony Stetson walks into a chop to the pecs. GQ hits a dropkick on "Hot Shit" Tony Stetson. 'Hit' may be an exaggeration, as it barely touched. There's a two count on the pin. Tag to Julio Dinero. GQ Money scoops up Stetson. Dinero bounces off the ropes and hits a flying Hart Attack clothesline. Cover for a two count. Second rope flying axe handle, Stetson goes down. Stetson blocks a punch. Messed up bodyslam by Stetson. There's a two count on the pin. Tag between "Hot Shit" Tony Stetson and Marty Fuckin' Jannetty. Super kick by Marty Fuckin' Jannetty. Hooks the leg for a close fall. Spin kick by Marty Fuckin' Jannetty to the face. Marty Fuckin' Jannetty misses a clothesline. Flying elbow from Julio Dinero. Tag to GQ Money. Weak headbutt on Jannetty by GQ. Jannetty tags out to "Hot Shit" Tony Stetson. Amateur-style takedown from GQ Money, capitalising on that *huge* demand for amateur wrestling that we see every day. "Hot Shit" Tony Stetson gets knocked to the ground by GQ, who is already climbing the turnbuckle. Through the air, Money Shot! Midnight Express slide into the ring out of nowhere! They attack GQ! The referee calls for the DQ as Midnight Express brawl with 2 Tickets 2 Paradise. We have a three-way stand off in the ring, as 2 Tickets 2 Paradise, Whump Ass Express and Midnight Express look at each other. They all charge forward, and a three-way brawl erupts in the ring! This is chaos! After a few minutes of fast and furious action, a motley crew of referees and stagehands hit the ring to break it up. Nothing worth seeing here, i'll give a 1\2 star rating because i'm generous.

(Do you know why Marty Fuckin’ Jannetty’s name is Marty Fuckin’ Jannetty? Because he’s Marty Fuckin’ Jannetty that’s why. He and Tony Stetson are like HBK stuck on themselves cocky heel squared. If it worked for Michaels it can work for him, because he’s Marty Fuckin’ Jannetty! Only Marty Fuckin’ Jannetty could go through the barbershop window! Only Marty Fuckin’ Jannetty could win the tag titles with the 1-2-3 Kid and not with Al Snow! Only Marty Fuckin’ Jannetty could get away with a spray on hair pompadour and still be a pussy magnet. Sure, it’s trailer park widows named Bessy, but he’s still the ladies man because he’s Marty Fuckin’ Jannetty.)

Winner: 2 Tickets 2 Paradise

Overall Rating: 48%

Segment Rating: 38%

Match Quality: 58%

The Sandman is in the back with Coat Rack Steven Richards. He has no problem going against Terry Funk and Mark Jindrak later tonight. They might have been part of the same stable in the XPW, but that is more gone than his liver. The Enterprise? Screw that, he doesn’t even like Star Wars…Star Trek…what’s the damn difference? (That will get us letters). Terry Funk, who’s so damn old he invented trees, holds the XPW title for months on end while he’s getting jobbed out to Supreme and Honky Tonk Orton during the bathroom break match. And if there’s anything he knows as a heavy beer drinker, it’s when people need to get up to take a piss. He’s through with the Enterprise, he’s through with Terry Funk and he’s through with Michelob Ultra. No beer marketed like a sports drink deserves his money.

Segment Rating: 82%

Little Funny Orange Man Make Supreme Laugh Singles Match

Tazz's Cousin Chris Chetti vs Supreme

Supreme slams Tazz's Cousin Chris Chett down. Big John Studd would be proud, no doubt. Supreme DDTs Chetti, although it was hardly executed with pin-point precision. Hooks the leg for a two count. Supreme misses a big legdrop after stalling too long. Tazz's Cousin Chris Chett scores with a back heel kick on Supreme. Legsweep out of Nowhere. Where is Nowhere, and why do moves keep coming out of there? Does it have a factory? Cover for a two count. Supreme walks into a face crusher variation. Pinfall attempt gets a 2.9999. Legsweep out of Nowhere. Where is Nowhere, and why do moves keep coming out of there? Does it have a factory? Supreme powers out of a headlock. Supreme hits a bulldog off the ropes. There's a two count on the pin. Side suplex from Supreme. Pin, but Chetti is out just before the three count. Chetti gets squashed in the corner with a clothesline. Weak headbutt on Chetti by Supreme. Chetti ducks a wild right hand. Supreme takes a flying neckbreaker from Tazz's Cousin Chris Chett. Springboard dropkick from Tazz's Cousin Chris Chett. Nicely done. Supreme is in trouble. Chetti-Plex!!! That shook the ring. 1....2....3!! Tazz's Cousin Chris Chett offers a handshake to Supreme...and he accepts it! No! Supreme levels Chetti with a cheap shot right hand! Supreme hits the Supreme Choke Slam! Tazz's Cousin Chris Chett has been floored after the match. It was close to a ** match, but one too many blown spots knocks it down to a *1\2 rating.

(Supreme would like to apologize for the cheap shot, he thought Chetti was trying to steal the gummi bears he hand in his pocket. Supreme has been really confused since the move to a new federation. There are 2 new letters he has to learn, but at least the W is still in the same place.)

Winner: Tazz’s Cousin Chris Chetti

Overall Rating: 59%

Crowd Reaction: 55%

Match Quality: 63%

Terry Funk is in the back with Coat Rack Steven Richards. As senile as he is it could be the Blue Meanie in a prom dress and he wouldn’t notice. Terry Funk is very proud about his invention of trees. Best idea he ever came up with. Ten times better than liquid meat, although he hears that’s the name of a rising polka/ska/bluegrass band in the Seattle area that does covers of Air Supply songs. Sandman ain’t nothing but a drunk son of a bitch. Granted, Terry is a drunk, old son of a bitch, but he’s pretty sure the drunk and the old cancel out and he’s just a plain son of a bitch. Honky Tonk Jindrak, “Carless” Mark Orton, it doesn’t matter who he has to beat to get a ti…you have that backwards Terry. Whatever, the point is, is that Sandman, Jindrak Tonk Honky and “Orton” Mark Carless is not going to stand in his way of becoming the new champion of whatever federation this is.

Segment Rating: 84%

XPW Memorial Match that Typifies All that was Good with the Fed (namely, nothing)

Terry Funk vs Sandman vs Honky Tonk Orton vs “Carless” Mark Jindrak:

Terry Funk strikes Honky Tonk Orton. Funker slams Honky Tonk Orton down. Big John Studd would be proud, no doubt. Hooks the leg for a two count. Orton reverses a Terry Funk hammerlock. Tag to Mark Jindrak. Mark Jindrak hits a rolling kick on Funker. We have our mandatory ref bump, as he goes down after accidentally getting caught by an elbow to the face. Brutal powerbomb on Funker. Hooks the leg, but the referee is still out. Jindrak uses a basement dropkick to the knee. Funker reverses a waistlock. Tag between Terry Funk and Sandman. Sandman DDTs Jindrak, poorly executed. Jindrak takes a weak clothesline. Mark Jindrak powers out of a Sandman headlock. Big backdrop on Sandman, executed well. Lifting DDT by Mark Jindrak, looked good. Tag to Terry Funk. Sandman takes a right hand to the temple from Funker. Side suplex from Funker. Terry Funk moves in for the kill. Here it comes - DDT. 1....2...3, it's finished. I'm going to give this a ** rating because i'm in a generous mood.

(Two shows in and we have our first ref bump. I was getting worried there that this might be a good fed or something. That was a short four corners match. You would expect something better and longer, but I look at the four guys involved and am just happy they were able to lace up their boots and find the ring. See, if I had Jake Roberts on the roster, I probably wouldn’t be able to say that.)

Winner: Terry Funk

Overall Rating: 66%

Crowd Reaction: 68%

Match Quality: 62%

Show Rating: 61%

TV Rating: 2.10

Attendance: 398 scrubbing bubbles

April 1, 2003

I have it on 65% so I could get better t.v. deals. I was stuck at 56% on my XPW for like two months, because I couldn't get a better t.v. deal and raise my markability and image. This won't change the core of the fed, trust me. It's like when they would do shit in the attitude era and Vince would pretend to USA that he was polishing his pinkie ring and missed it, so he had no idea what they were talking about.

Let me also start our first readers poll. Who would all of you like to see joing the new fed? Particulary I would like a solid mid-card face to feud with the Repo Man. I deleted a lot of the other feds, so there is a huge talent pool to draw from, just start tossing out names and we'll see what sticks.

King Cucaracha · April 1, 2003

The Rock and Roll Express, just for the sheer hell of being able to say 'Ricky Morton played Ricky Morton during this match'. Or there's always Gillberg...the ultimate squashing machine.

As for Repo...shouldn't he be feuding with 'Carless' Mark Jindrak. Jindrak steals a car, Repo reposseses it...comedy gold! Oooh Oooh...how about Crush! The feud that's 11 years in the making...since the last match they had that is. 'Crush, the man of a thousand gimmicks'...you could change his gimmick every week...and no-one would care!

April 1, 2003

I say if Jonny C hasn't been taken yet, pick him up. His finisher is the Yonnonator (Change it to the Yawnonator). Only problem is is that he is a decent wrestler and I don't think you want those.

Thus pick up *open up EWR 3.0* ... White Trash. His finisher is the El Kabong. He might be useful. You'll find White Trash in the Indy files along with Jonny C (could change him to Jonny Bravo, ya know).

April 1, 2003

If you delete Jake's fed, you could bring him in and give him the WWF Dusty treatment.

April 1, 2003

If miss Kaos after you finally gave him a personality... but I won't like break down and cry about it.

If anything, this federation needs Tommy Rich.

April 1, 2003

two words: JOHN TENTA.

April 1, 2003

Like I suggested earlier, get either Blitzkrieg or Blitzkrieg Jr. (Or both) and Alex Wright (Perhaps as manager of one of the kriegers) for that plan I mentioned.

Los Villanos and La Parka's good too.

April 2, 2003

Is Mabel available?

April 2, 2003

HSW Steaming Funk for April 16th, 2003

Live from the Toilet (our home arena)

Hosts: Joey Styles and Steve Michael Payton

Sophie is wandering through the back looking for a warm towel for her face and some miracle whip for a post coitus sandwich for the Deacon. You know…she could take what’s on her face and…Austin Lee cuts off her musings. He just wants to tell her that he’s found her to be one fine piece of bitch sine he’s been working for the HSW. He wanted to know if maybe they could get together sometime and do the mattress mambo. That’s sweet…she guesses, but in case he hasn’t noticed, she’s the Deacon’s ‘pussy’ and he probably wouldn’t take too kind to it. “Oh, yeah, I forgot, cause I’m a stoner.” (~SLEDGEHAMMER OF GIMMICK~) “Hey, is that donut glaze? Can I lick your face?” “Uh, Anus Boy Matthew already claimed that.”

Segment Rating: 74%

Hey, I Dig Elvis Too; Deep Dark Truthful Mirror is a Badass Song Singles Match

Austin Lee vs Jorge Estrada:

Spinning back kick from Jorge Estrada. Lee reverses a waistlock. Dropkick connects, Estrada goes down. The referee bumps after catching a wild right hand and is down. Springboard dropkick from Austin Lee. Nicely done. Cover, but there's no one to count for Austin Lee. Estrada blocks the suplex attempt. Lee takes a flying neckbreaker from Jorge Estrada. Flying reverse elbow by Jorge Estrada. Hooks the leg for a two count. Tornado DDT from Jorge Estrada, Lee got planted. Hooks the leg for a close fall. Lee powers out of a headlock. Flying cross body off the top rope! I'll give a 0.8 on the Steamboat scale for that effort. Pin, but Estrada is out just before the three count. Estrada blocks a kick from Austin Lee. Austin Lee can barely stand. Here it comes - The Graceland. 1....2...3, it's finished. ** rating for this one. Perfectly Acceptable Wrestling.

(Everybody in the Memphis Mafia has a finisher with the word “Graceland” somehow in it. Although I’m still using the In The Ghetto-Blaster as their tag finisher. Maybe I should come up with some new finishers like the Teddy Bear Hug or the Heartpunch Hotel or the Jailhouse Rock Bottom or…maybe not. Austin Lee stumbles around stoned post match. “Why’d you beat me up Erik Estrada? I’ll Paunch you, man. Yeah…man…yeah…what was I sayin’? Donut glaze…yeah.”)

Winner: Jorge Estrada

Overall Rating: 61%

Crowd Reaction: 48%

Match Quality: 74%

Sophie finishes toweling off her face near a dark doorway. She waits and waits and waits…an off camera producer yells, “Cue that dumb bitch.” Lady Victoria magically appears out of the shadows. She saw Sophie talking to Austin Lee before the show started and she’s going to her rat her out to the Deacon. Sophie knows that Lady Victoria just wants to displace her and be the Deacon’s pussy (~SLEDGEHAMMER OF PLOT~). Sophie bitch slaps Lady Victoria, who kicks her in the uterus and sodomizes her with Coat Rack Steven Richards for old times sake. (I feel like I’m on a Blue Suede reunion tour. I’m playing all the greatest hits, but I’m just no hooked on the feeling anymore. I want to be respected for my new work…as bad as it is.) Segment Rating: 62%

The Midnight Express are in the back with Coat Rack Steven Richards. They oddly smell feces, but don’t know from where. They beat the “Rock ‘n Roll Express” last week and next week they’ll beat the “Rock ‘n Roll Express” to go onto to Super Karate Monkey Deathcar for a shot at the Hot Shit Tag Titles. They don’t care who wins tonight to face them, whether it’s the “Rock ‘n Roll Express” or that other team the “Rock ‘n Roll Express.” Just like Reagan said to Gorbachev, they’re going to “tear down that wall” and be the champions (honestly I don’t even know what they’re talking about there). They have to leave now, so they can pick up a couple McDLT’s and still make the late showing of that new movie “Uncle Buck” at the theater.

Segment Rating: 51%

I Think We Made a Porn Movie by Their Name Tag Team Match

2 Tickets 2 Paradise vs Hard Rodz:

Legsweep out of Nowhere. Where is Nowhere, and why do moves keep coming out of there? Does it have a factory? Roderick crushes GQ with a big legdrop. There's a two count on the pin. Roderick tags out to Rod Steel. Hard Rodz whip GQ into the ropes and hit a double backdrop. GQ tastes a high angle back suplex. It probably tasted like chicken. There's a two count on the pin. Rod Steel snap suplexes GQ. GQ blocks the suplex attempt. GQ Money uses something vaguely resembling a reverse suplex. Tag to Julio Dinero. Dinero hits a dropkick on Rod Steel. Steel takes a hurrancarana from Julio Dinero. Steel blocks a kick from Julio Dinero. Tag to Roderick Strong. Dinero takes a hurrancarana from Roderick Strong. Tiger suplex on Dinero, right from out of the Misawa playbook. Pin, but Dinero is out just before the three count. Stiff high kick on Dinero by Roderick Strong who has evidently been watching some old AJPW tapes recently. Dinero counters an avalanche with a raised foot to the face. Dinero crushes Roderick with a running senton. Roderick Strong is in big trouble...Shakin'!! 1....2....3! Midnight Express come running down the aisle with chairs! They slide in behind 2 Tickets 2 Paradise...and drop them with stereo chair shots! Midnight Express leave the ring, the damage done. I'll give a 1\2 star rating.

(That makes me think I should give Rod a move called the Steel Chair and Roderick can have the Strong Coffee, because as a porn star he likes his coffee like he likes his women, Irish and on the kitchen table. Maybe I could just make him the “Strongest Man in the World,” but that would make him suck. Might as well just nickname him “Jumpin.’”

The Midnight Express gloat on having swerved the “Rock ‘n Roll Express.” They’ll just wait for Uncle Buck to come out on Beta Max! I am so mixing and matching my eighties pop culture.)

Winner: 2 Tickets 2 Paradise

Overall Rating: 48%

Crowd Reaction: 29%

Match Quality: 68%

Nikita Koloff shows up at the Toilet in a tank, because Russia doesn’t make cars. They mainly import Yugos. But he’s got a dashboard Jesus on the turret, so God forgives him for driving a weapon of destruction. He doesn’t know why he was called to the arena tonight. He told the Deacon that he can only wrestle about once a month due to the cryogenic treatment he has to take to keep his 176-year-old body in shape. It’s what keeps Lenin alive. Hold on…Lenin’s dead. That’s what they want you think. Suddenly, a rusted out, green 1976 ¾ ton GMC pick up truck with one mud flap, a Merle Haggard tape stuck in the deck, a Chase and Sanborn coffee can on the floor half filled with tobacco juice and an old lady in the back sitting in a rocking chair with a shotgun and Chieftain the coon dog across her lap speeds into view. It clips Koloff and he spins into the air before crashing to the sidewalk. (actually it’s Mary Fuckin’ Jannetty taking the bump with lifts in his shoes and wearing a skull cap. Koloff is too old to take the bump, but Marty Fuckin’ Jannetty will take it, because he’s Marty Fuckin’ Jannetty.) The truck then backs over him and Redneck Jesus Barry Windham sticks his head out the window and spits a wad of tobacco on his chest. Old lady in back: “Let’s go get General Grant now!” Barry: “Shut the fuck up, Grandma or I’ll sell you back to Bunkhouse Buck for his weird ass fetish.” (whether he means “weird ass…fetish” or “weird…ass fetish” should be left up to conjecture)

Segment Rating: 65%

Hell on a Mr. T Big Wheel Singles Match

“Carless” Mark Jindrak vs Disgraceland:

Dissy takes a headbutt from Mark Jindrak. Dissy ducks a wild right hand. Uninspiring brawling from Disgraceland. Mark Jindrak charges, Dissy moves, and the referee is conveniently placed to get knocked out. Dissy DDTs Mark Jindrak. Pinfall attempt, but the ref is conveniently laid out. Mark Jindrak ducks a clothesline attempt. Back elbow connects, Dissy staggers backward. Lightning kick by Jindrak on Dissy. Cover for a two count. Death valley driver by Mark Jindrak, Disgraceland got planted. Cover, but there's a last second kick-out. Dissy counters a sleeper hold by turning it into a jaw breaker. Messed up bodyslam by Dissy. Cover, but there's a last second kick-out. Jindrak drops out the back of a Disgraceland bodyslam attempt. Honky Tonk Orton comes running down the aisle and onto the big wheel! Clothesline...but Jindrak ducks! Disgraceland gets hit! Mark Jindrak knocks Orton off the big wheel. Mark Jindrak moves in for the kill. Super Frankensteiner!!! That shook the ring. 1....2....3!! Dissy and Orton tie Mark Jindrak up by the tassels on the handle bars, then start punching away at him until referees run down and break it up. This one gets * rating and likes it.

(The fact that they could have a match like that on a big wheel is a testament to the great workers I have in my federation…who all seem to have really weird personality problems. Dr. Phil would have a field day. Post match, Honky Tonk Orton seems to be limping, could he have been hit with the ~SLEGEHAMMER OF PLOT~)

Winner: “Carless” Mark Jindrak

Overall Rating: 52%

Crowd Reaction: 50%

Match Quality: 54%

Redneck Jesus Barry Windam is in the back with Coat Rack Steven Richards who now smells like Bobby Eaton funk. That Commie Russian, or at least his stunt double, got what was coming to him. Windham didn’t part the Rio Grande and defeat the Martians at the Alamo with John Wayne and the Marlboro Man so some stinko pinko could come into Hot Shit Wrestling and win the World Title. And Tazz’s Cousin Chris Chetti, who he fights tonight to go to the tournament final against Terry Funk at Super Karate Monkey Deathcar, is just as bad. A burnt orange midget is close enough to pink commie in his book. And where is he from, the Bronx. Who did we steal the Bronx from, the Injuns. Hell, what kind of name is “Chetti,” sounds Injun to me. Injuns aren’t real Americans. Dude, Injun is not the proper nomenclature. (I’ve got the Midnight Express rewriting the ‘80’s and Windham rewriting American history. I think I have seriously gone insane.)

Segment Rating: 58%

Time Filler Random Three Way Match of Guys who Felt Like Working Tonight

Joey Numbers vs Ahmed Johnson vs Marty Fuckin' Jannetty:

Marty Fuckin' Jannetty scores with a back heel kick on Ahmed. Marty Fuckin' Jannetty gets hip tossed by Numbers. Ahmed reverses a Joey Numbers hammerlock. Messed up bodyslam by Ahmed. Ahmed Johnson DDTs Jannetty, poorly executed. There's a two count on the pin. Flying knee to the face from Joey Numbers. Is it Mutoh Appreciation Night? Cover gets three. Joey Numbers pinned Ahmed. Jannetty takes a chop from Numbers. Back heel kick from Numbers on Jannetty. There's a two count on the pin. Jannetty reverses a waistlock. Tiger suplex on Numbers, right from out of the Misawa playbook. Joey Numbers grabs Marty Fuckin' Jannetty from behind and shoves him into the ropes, then scores with a roll-up...but Jannetty rolls through with the move! He used a pull of the tights to get Numbers over! 1....2...3! The referee was out of position and didn't see it! I'll give a 1\2 star rating.

(That was compensation to Jannetty for doing the bump earlier for Koloff. You think he did that for nothing? He’s Marty Fuckin’ Jannetty, not Marty Fuckin’ Stupid Jannetty. Besides, Numbers is still pretty much a jobber and my writing staff recommends jobbing Ahmed at any given opportunity. He’s a complete heat sink. Someone even mentions the concept of “soaking 3 sticks of butter in ranch dressing and eating them” and he loses heat. Which is too bad, because Ahmed was trying to make some Jiffy Pop on his gut, but he’s not hot enough.)

Winner: Marty Fuckin’ Jannetty

Overall Rating: 50%

Crowd Reaction: 45%

Match Quality: 55%

Tazz’s Cousin Chris Chetti is in the back with Coat Rack Steven Richards, who now smells like sweaty leather and not in the good way. He doesn’t like Windham casting disparages on his ethnicity, even though he’s not too sure what the words “disparage” and “ethnicity” mean. He’s not Native American, he’s 100% Chetti. He is Tazz’s Cousin and has nothing, but Tazz blood running in his veins. What about the other side of the family? Nope, he had a transfusion a few years ago, so he could be pure Tazz. He’s trying to get Joey Numbers to have a Michael Cole transfusion, but he’s not keen on turning into a pederass. Six year olds, dude.

Segment Rating: 57%

I’ll Scalp You Injun Bastard Singles Match (thinking about it, if I offend Native Americans, they’re not a big part of the Nielsen audience)

Redneck Jesus Barry Windham vs Tazz's Cousin Chris Chetti:

Barry Windham hits a right hand on Tazz's Cousin Chris Chett. Windham only gets knees on a splash. Chetti hits a massive spinning kick to the jaw. Barry Windham charges, Chetti moves, and the referee is conveniently placed to get knocked out. Power drive elbow by Tazz's Cousin Chris Chett. Pinfall attempt, but the ref is conveniently laid out. Windham kicks Tazz's Cousin Chris Chett in the gut to reverse the momentum. Chetti gets squashed in the corner with a clothesline. Weak bodyslam by Windham. Cover for a two count. Barry Windham scores with a crappy looking standing spinebuster. Hooks the leg for a close fall. Chetti pushes out of a Barry Windham hold. Spinning bulldog in the corner, Windham is down. Pinfall attempt gets a 2.9999. Windham drops out the back of a Tazz's Cousin Chris Chett bodyslam attempt. Chetti scores with a forearm, sending Windham down into the corner. The referee pulls Tazz's Cousin Chris Chett away to get the break. Wait! Windham has pulled something out of his tights. Tazz's Cousin Chris Chett walks over...and gets floored by a punch! 1....2....3! The referee never saw the brass knuckles! Nikita Koloff comes running down the aisle with a chair and into the ring! Windham turns...and is dropped by a vicious chair shot! Nikita Koloff has left Windham down and bloodied. Worth a ** rating, but no more than that.

(Koloff wanted to take him out with a hammer and sickle, but we’re on a budget and I got a great deal on these folding chairs from “Smilin’ Pete’s Steel Chair City and Taco Bar.” Post match, Koloff thinks “Chetti” sounds a little Afghani if you ask him, so he invades Chetti in the ass and won’t pull out for over a decade, despite the US not showing up for the Olympics.)

Winner: Redneck Jesus Barry Windham

Overall Rating: 63%

Crowd Reaction: 59%

Match Quality: 67%

Show Rating: 58%

TV Rating: 2.10

Attendance: 384 people who can’t believe that they’re stuck in the Toilet.

April 2, 2003

I posted this late last night, but didn't find it this morning. Either the board ate it or somebody in the puro folder is bitching about what this shit is.

Anyway, I wanted to thank everybody for their suggestions and comments, keep them coming. I probably won't add anymore talent (if you want to call them that) until after the ppv, Super Karate Monkey Deathcar.

April 2, 2003

Add my name to the Bring in EarthQuake Camp

King Cucaracha · April 2, 2003

That makes me think I should give Rod a move called the Steel Chair and Roderick can have the Strong Coffee, because as a porn star he likes his coffee like he likes his women, Irish and on the kitchen table.

Ok, that's pure gold.

April 2, 2003

here's some Elvis-related finisher names for you:

All Shook Up

Neck-Break Hotel

Blue Suede Boot

also, maybe you could rename the tag titles the "2 Shits" titles, like a play on the phrase "i don't give two shits", being as it's Hot shit Wrestling and all.

April 3, 2003

Dude, if you could rehire Perrious Saturn, that would be sweet, I loved that guy.

April 4, 2003

HSW Steaming Funk for April 23rd, 2003

Live from the Toilet (our home arena)

Hosts: Joey Styles and Steve Michael Payton

Austin Lee finds Sophie putting a large trash bag marked “Gonzalez toe nail clippings” into a dumpster. He wants to give her a bouquet of flowers he stole from the funeral home next door. Just disregard that “rest in peace Aunt Dora” card and the smell of formaldehyde. That’s really sweet, but again she doesn’t think Deacon would like him hitting on her. “Oh…that’s right. I’m so damn stoned all the time I forget things.” Sophie pats him on the cheek and they walk back into the arena. Suddenly, Lady Victoria emerges out of the dumpster with a wicked grin on her face. Behind her a male voice calls, “hey baby, I ain’t done and you’re making me pay extra for the dumpster humping.”

Segment Rating: 71%

You Can Star in my New Film, Moan-ses, Singles Match

Anus Boy Matthew vs The Miserly Jew:

Stiff high kick on MJ by Anus Boy Matthew who has evidently been watching some old AJPW tapes recently. Dropkick connects, MJ goes down. Matthew hits a dropkick on The Miserly Jew. Matthew hits a dropkick on The Miserly Jew. MJ ducks a wild right hand. Right hand from MJ on Matthew. MJ hits a stump piledriver on Anus Boy Matthew, although it was quite weak in its execution. Hooks the leg for a two count. Matthew blocks a punch. Super kick by Anus Boy Matthew. Hooks the leg for a two count. Tiger suplex on MJ, right from out of the Misawa playbook. Pin, but MJ is out just before the three count. Matthew only gets knees on a splash. Chop from MJ on Matthew. Matthew reverses a The Miserly Jew hammerlock. Matthew hits a dropkick on The Miserly Jew. Lizzy Borden is at ringside! MJ wastes valuable time by yelling at Borden! Anus Boy Matthew takes advantage of the distraction and nails MJ from behind! Anus Boy Matthew has The Miserly Jew down on the canvas and is ascending the corner. Through the air, Top Rope Legdrop! 1....2....3. Matthew and Borden are beating the hell out of The Miserly Jew! Alter Boy Luke sprints down the aisle and slides into the ring! He goes toe-to-toe with Anus Boy Matthew, exchanging punches, while The Miserly Jew comes back, sending Borden out of the ring with a clothesline. Luke \ MJ have cleared the ring, driving off Matthew and Borden! Slap a DUD on it, move on.

(The match is all blown high spots and right in the middle there’s a hammerlock reversal sequence. Usually you do the token mat sequence in the beginning, but this whole fed is pretty back asswards. After reading sentences like “Matthew and Borden are beating the hell out of the Miserly Jew,” I’m thinking I can’t go through with the German angle Godrea suggested. I’ll run down Injuns and call women pussy, but making fun of the Holocaust would drop me down to the seventh level of hell when I die and the fifth level is plenty warm enough for me.)

Winner: Anus Boy Matthew

Overall Rating: 42%

Crowd Reaction: 23%

Match Quality: 62%

Honky Tonk Orton rolls into the Memphis Mafia locker room in a pink wheel chair with enormous tail fins. He broke his leg and will be out for seven months from where Jindrak pushed him out of the ring last week. (really he’s dating the newly single Jennifer Garner and she broke his leg when he didn’t feel like ordering Chinese takeout. Have you seen that girl’s backside? She’s cut like a slab of lamb chops from Sam the Butcher. Of course, we can’t say what really happened, because we don’t want Orton to look like a pussbag.) Being that his stable is nothing but lackeys, Orton decides he needs to bring in a replacement leader while he’s gone. Cue, THE HONKY TONK MAN~~~! Complete with triple tilde bang. (odd that I bring Orton in to replace HTM in my old game and now I bring him in to replace Orton here. Circle of life, I guess.) The Deacon shows up to get HTM to sign a contract and he wants to know where his title belt is. Title belt? Orton pulls the Deacon aside. He promised the Honky Tonk Man that we would give him his own belt if we brought him in. Well…Deacon has learned that Austin Lee is making googly eyes at Sophie, so have one of his boys beat him up and he’ll work something out for the ppv. Normally he would just have Giant Gonzalez do it, but he let him have the day off to go to his nephew’s bah mitzvah.

Segment Rating: 85%

Don’t be Fucking with the Deacon’s Bitch, Beyotch Hardcore Singles Match

Disgraceland vs Austin Lee:

Disgraceland strikes Austin Lee. Austin Lee ducks a clothesline attempt. Spinning back kick from Austin Lee. Austin Lee misses a clothesline...and takes out the referee by mistake. Vicious kick to the teeth from Austin Lee. Cover, but there's no one to count for Austin Lee. Dissy drops out the back of a Austin Lee bodyslam attempt. Disgraceland smashes a Playstation console over the head of Lee. Dissy hits a stump piledriver on Austin Lee. There's a two count on the pin. Disgraceland scores with a crappy looking standing spinebuster. Pin, but Lee is out just before the three count. Lee counters an avalanche with a raised foot to the face. Austin Lee hits a dropkick off the table. Cover, but there's a last second kick-out. Dissy blocks a punch. Disgraceland moves in for the kill. Shake Rattle and Roll!!! That shook the ring. 1....2....3!! Disgraceland gives a murderous look toward Austin Lee...and attacks! Lee gets dropped to the canvas, then battered with a barrage of rights and lefts. Dissy leaves the ring having left Lee down and out. This one gets * rating and likes it.

(So, Orton sends Disgraceland to job out Lee and not only does he win, but then he does a beat down. You know how lame that makes you look, that a guy named freaking Disgraceland whips your ass like you were his prison bitch. The guy runs around with Bilvis Wesley and Jorge Estrada watching Kid Galahad and eating chocolate cake soaked in chicken gravy and he beats your ass. But he fucked with the Deacon’s pussy, third rule of HSW. Unlike Fight Club, we’re man enough to talk about our homoerotic underground, shirtless fighting.)

Winner: Disgraceland

Overall Rating: 52%

Crowd Reaction: 45%

Match Quality: 60%

We Didn’t Have Fat Reducing Supplements in the ‘80’s, We Had Coke Tag Match

Midnight Express vs YOUR Stacker 2 Connection:

Numbers hits a flying kick on Eaton. Joey Numbers hits a crap missile dropkick on Eaton. There's a two count on the pin. Tag between Joey Numbers and Tazz's Cousin Chris Chett. YOUR Stacker 2 Connection hook up Eaton, then hit a double suplex. Hard back suplex on Eaton. Anyone remember when that was Shawn Michaels's finisher? Hooks the leg for a two count. Kick from Tazz's Cousin Chris Chett to the leg. Eaton counters an arm wringer with an elbow to the side of the head. Face-first suplex from Eaton, but not done very well. Eaton tags out to Stan Lane. Stan Lane with a badly-executed spinning neckbreaker on Chetti. Stan Lane hits a sloppy double axe handle. Sweet Stan drops an elbow...but misses. Fate can be so cruel. Tag to Joey Numbers. Back heel kick from Numbers on Sweet Stan. Joey Numbers blasts Sweet Stan with a rather-less-than-super kick. Hooks the leg for a close fall. Kick from Joey Numbers to the leg. Numbers walks into a trip. Sweet Stan hits a stump piledriver on Joey Numbers, although it was quite weak in its execution. Joey Numbers hooks up a suplex, but Sweet Stan flips out and lands on his feet, and quickly grabs the tights to score with a school boy pin! 1...2..3! The referee somehow missed the blatant cheating! 2 Tickets 2 Paradise come running down into the ring. They nail Stan Lane from behind, then grab Eaton and hit the Shakin'! With him out of the way, the drag Stan Lane to the outside...and promptly put him straight through the announcer's table with a double slam! 2 Tickets 2 Paradise have destroyed Midnight Express! Worth a ** rating, but no more than that.

(Eaton and Lane are flipping out. They don’t know what just happened. They cheat and the faces get revenge. The faces don’t do that. Then they drag Stan outside and slam him through a table. People don’t get slammed on tables. You’re not even supposed to be outside the damn ring. Where are we Memphis with all these crazy spots? We’re telling Jim Crockett and if conditions don’t improve, they’re going to move to Global.)

Winners: Midnight Express

Overall Rating: 64%

Crowd Reaction: 57%

Match Quality: 71%

Sophie busts in to the Deacon’s office and wants to know what’s he doing ordering the Memphis Mafia to not only beat down Austin Lee, but make him look like a douchetard in the process. Sounds like somebody has a new boy toy (which makes me sound gay, but I’m zonked out on Diet Tab right now and could care less). Lady Victoria then comes in from off camera and hands the Deacon a sandwich. “You did not just make my man a sandwich.” They get into a catfight and Victoria sodomizes Sophie with a Miracle Whip jar. That’s an enema with a tangy zip. Deacon breaks the two girls up and books them in a bikini contest for Super Karate Monkey Deathcar. Doesn’t he mean a match? No, he means a bikini contest, because you girls are worst wrestlers than Ahmed Johnson with a hang over. You’re both fine pieces of bitch, might as well use that to our advantage. (This angle is so sexist. Good thing I hate my mother as a lame excuse.)

Segment Rating: 79%

“Carless” Mark Jindrak drives in on his smashed up Mr. T big wheel. He’d air up the flat tires, but they’re made out of plastic. A pink wheel chair is parked in his spot. He might not have a car, but he has a parking spot, kind of like how Les on WKRP in Cincinnati had an office with no walls. He goes to run into the Toilet to complain and as he reaches the door, it opens from the other side and he’s smashed in the nose. Jorge Estrada, Disgraceland and Bilvis Wesley attack him! Jindrak fights them off until the Honky Tonk Man el-kabongs him from behind. He cackles, “Never let a Honky Tonk Orton to do a Honky Tonk MAN’S job.” (thanks to powerplay for that line.)

Segment Rating: 57%

I Forgot Chetti was Working Earlier in the Night ‘Cause I was Stone Singles Match

Tazz's Cousin Chris Chett vs Mark Henry:

Chetti hits a massive spinning kick to the jaw. Chetti hits a massive spinning kick to the jaw. Chetti hits a dropkick on Mark Henry. Flying elbow from Tazz's Cousin Chris Chett. Henry pushes out of a Tazz's Cousin Chris Chett hold. Punch by Henry, missing Chetti by a good six inches. Henry hits a stump piledriver on Tazz's Cousin Chris Chett. There's a two count on the pin. Tazz's Cousin Chris Chett elbows Mark Henry in the face to break a hammerlock. Super kick by Tazz's Cousin Chris Chett. There's a two count on the pin. Tiger suplex on Henry, right from out of the Misawa playbook. Pin : 1 - 2 - 2.9999999. Chetti only gets knees on a splash. Sluggish brawling from Henry. Chetti drops out the back of a Mark Henry bodyslam attempt. Driven DDT by Tazz's Cousin Chris Chett. The ring shook violently, instantly making it better at selling than some of the current roster. Mark Henry is in trouble. Chetti-Plex!!! That shook the ring. 1....2....3!! Henry grabs the referee, then nails him with a right hand! Dozens of people hit the ring to stop any further incident. It was close to a ** match, but one too many blown spots knocks it down to a *1\2 rating.

(“Henry pushes out of a Tazz's Cousin Chris Chett hold.” You know, if Scott Keith doesn’t know what to call something, Chetti is either stealing Nova’s gimmick by inventing moves mid-match or it’s so fucked up that he couldn’t tell what it was. I’m betting on the latter. I also completely overlooked the fact that Chetti had wrestled earlier against he Midnight Express. If you want to call that wrestling, or this match even, or anything we have on the card. I just like to think of the HSW as a really cool frat, like in Old School and Terry Funk is my Blue.)

Winner: Tazz’s Cousin Chris Chetti

Overall Rating: 56%

Crowd Reaction: 55%

Match Quality: 58%

Terry Funk finds Nikita Koloff in the back. They’re going to be part of a six-man tag in a few minutes and Funk wants it to be known that he doesn’t trust his Commie pinko ass. Koloff is getting sick of this, the USSR hasn’t existed in over ten years, Stalin and Lenin are dead, we’ve torn down the wall, there’s a KFC in the basement of the Kremlin now and we have internet porn and drive by shootings like the rest of the civilized world. Funk’s response is “Commie liars.” Before they can get into it further, Redneck Jesus Barry Windham and the Sandman attack with full kegs of PBR. They knock them out and leave the busted kegs on the floor. The Drunken Irishman rushes in and starts sucking all of the beer out of the busted kegs to save it from being wasted.

Segment Rating: 60%

Returning from a commercial for Spatula City, Koloff and Funk are bandaged up like the Spirit of 1776. To say they are pissed would be an understatement, to say they are raging, infuriated, flames shooting out their eyes, death to the infidels, eat a bag of dicks pissed would be an understatement. Funk wails away in the background about “Cock fucking cum guzzling mermaids” while throwing around everything not tied down. Meanwhile, Koloff starts swearing in Russian in that way Ricky Ricardo would bitch out Lucy in Spanish when she did something wrong. To add to the surreality, we shoot the whole thing on a 27-degree angle with flashing red lights and go dancers off to the side dancing the pony to the background music from Laugh-In.

Segment Rating: 71%

Drunk and Surly vs. Old and Carless Six Man Tag

Windham\Sandman\Supreme vs Funker\Koloff\Jindrak:

Sandman hits some weak-looking punches. Incredibly weak powerslam on Koloff by Sandman. Sandman tags out to Supreme. Nikita Koloff takes a right hand to the temple from Supreme. Supreme hits a stump piledriver on Nikita Koloff, although it was quite weak in its execution. Hooks the leg for a two count. Supreme tags out to Barry Windham. Supreme \ Windham whip Koloff into the ropes and hit a double backdrop. Koloff gets squashed in the corner with a clothesline. Koloff reverses a waistlock. Punch by Koloff, missing Windham by a good six inches. Koloff tags out to Terry Funk. Funker slams Barry Windham down. Big John Studd would be proud, no doubt. Flapjack from Funker on Windham. Pin, but Windham is out just before the three count. Weak bodyslam on Windham by Funker. Funker tags out to Mark Jindrak. Mark Jindrak scores with a back heel kick on Windham. Big clothesline on Windham. Jindrak drops an elbow...but misses. Fate can be so cruel. Windham tags out to Sandman. Jindrak takes a weak clothesline. Tag between Mark Jindrak and Nikita Koloff. Sluggish brawling from Koloff. Nikita Koloff DDTs Sandman, poorly executed. Nikita Koloff moves in for the kill. Russian Sickle!!! That shook the ring. 1....2....3!! It was close to a ** match, but one too many blown spots knocks it down to a *1\2 rating.

(Post match, Funk would like to point out that Nikita is still using the Russian Sickle as a finisher, even though the USSR is supposed to be dead. Yeah? Huh? What about that? While we’re on the subject, what kind of faggy name is Nikita? Well, what kind of faggy name is Terry for a boy? Jindrak is happy that he can’t get rundown for being named good old fashioned Mark. Shut up you fucktard. The heels think about attacking, but just grab a bag of popcorn and watch the bitch-fest.)

Winner: Team Funked Up

Overall Rating: 60%

Crowd Reaction: 61%

Match Quality: 59%

Show Rating: 63%

TV Rating: 2.06

Attendance: 381 people who can’t believe we’re still around after 3 weeks.

Card for HSW Super Karate Monkey Deathcar

Let Me Tell You What Ruined this Country Singles Match for the Hot Shit World Title

Redneck Jesus Barry Windham vs. Terry Funk

Vodka Ain’t Nothing But Potato Water Singles Match

Sandman vs. Nikita Koloff

Just a Weird Ass Match Up if You Think About it for the HSW HTM TCB Title

Honky Tonk Man vs. “Carless” Mark Jindrak

Eddie Money is Still Cool in Our World Tag Match for the HSW Tag Titles

Midnight Express vs. 2 Tickets 2 Paradise

I Only Take Drugs that Make Me Hungry (not that I need help with that) Tables Match

Mark Henry vs. Joey Numbers

Bad Japanese Horror Film for the HSW Lukewarm Shit Title

Repo Man vs. Flocknest Monster

Left Over Crappy Ass TLC Match Where if We’re Lucky, Someone Will Kill Themselves

Memphis Mafia vs. Hard Rodz vs. Whump Ass Connection vs. PI

Either Way, I’m Getting Pussy Bikini Contest

Sophie vs. Lady Victoria

So Lame, it’s Below the Bikini Contest Singles Match

Alter Boy Luke vs. Anus Boy Matthew

April 4, 2003

There is no God.

April 4, 2003

Okay, I wasn't going to say anything... but this week cinched it. Why is it every show Joey Numbers gets his tights pulled?

but Jannetty rolls through with the move! He used a pull of the tights to get Numbers over! 1....2...3

Joey Numbers hooks up a suplex, but Sweet Stan flips out and lands on his feet, and quickly grabs the tights to score with a school boy pin! 1...2..3!

WHAT THE HELL IS IN JOEY'S PANTS?

April 4, 2003

I haven't noticed that Ejiro, hmm......I think I can run with that.

April 5, 2003

I'm just after realising something

WHERE THE FUCK IS CHIP FAIRWAY

April 5, 2003

HSW Super Karate Monkey Deathcar for April 27th, 2003

Live from the parking lot of the Toilet (just for something different)

Hosts: Joey Styles and Steve Michael Payton

So Lame, it’s Below the Bikini Contest Singles Match

Anus Boy Matthew vs Alter Boy Luke:

Standing leg lariat by Anus Boy Matthew on Luke. Dropkick connects, Luke goes down. Anus Boy Matthew hits a rolling kick on Luke. Flying elbow from Anus Boy Matthew. Anus Boy Matthew misses a clothesline. Driven DDT by Alter Boy Luke. The ring shook violently, instantly making it better at selling than some of the current roster. Lightning kick by Luke on Matthew. Hooks the leg for a two count. Matthew backdrops Alter Boy Luke out of a piledriver attempt. Matthew crushes Luke with a running senton. Hooks the leg for a two count. Tiger suplex on Luke, right from out of the Misawa playbook. Hooks the leg for a close fall. Matthew drops an elbow...but misses. Fate can be so cruel. Alter Boy Luke scores with a back heel kick on Matthew. Luke walks into a trip. Driven DDT by Anus Boy Matthew. The ring shook violently, instantly making it better at selling than some of the current roster. Lizzy Borden has climbed up onto the apron! Luke turns...and falls for the distraction! Anus Boy Matthew attacks Luke from behind! Anus Boy Matthew has Alter Boy Luke down on the canvas and is ascending the corner. Top Rope Legdrop!!! 1....2....3!! It's all over. Anus Boy Matthew leaves the ring and heads off down the aisle at speed. Matthew has the victory, and isn't hanging around for Alter Boy Luke to look for revenge. I'll give a 1\2 star rating.

(The ring was the best worker in the match, that’s pretty sad. Unless you want to count Lizzy Borden’s gangbang skills, in that regard she makes Ricky Steamboat look like Big Show after devouring a small horse and eating a fistful of Quaaludes. I kind of like the idea of Luke and Matthew taking it out on each other. I should name somebody “God” and then job him out to “Jimmy Walker.”)

Winner: Anus Boy Matthew

Overall Rating: 48%

Crowd Reaction: 24%

Match Quality: 72%

Either Way, I’m Getting Pussy Bikini Contest

Sophie vs. Lady Victoria

The special guest ring announcer (not that we have a real ring announcer) comes out first. We wanted Snoop Doggy Dog to do it, but couldn’t afford him, considering he’s co-hosting Jimmy Kimmel Live and popping up in Old School. So, instead, we have Snoop Froggy Frog! Snoop Frog is in the hazzouse! Shazzle my nazzle! Snoop Frog goes all freestyle and does a rap entitled “Don’t Fuck with Gonzalez.” I’d make something up, but I’m whiter than Conan O’Brien. Lady Victoria comes out first wearing a bikini made of 100 used condoms. Giant Gonzalez comes out and lets it be known that they’re all his from about five minutes ago. Gonzalez is a very virile man. Sophie comes out wearing a basic Beach Blanket Bingo number, but since she’s not dripping with man juice, Sophie pretty much wins by default. Lady Victoria coldcocks Sophie with Snoop Frog’s bong and then sodomizes her with a well place tennis racket. Snoop Frog is all, “Damn, bitch!”

Segment Rating: 71%

Left Over Crappy Ass TLC Match Where if We’re Lucky, Someone Will Kill Themselves

Whump Ass Express vs Hard Rodz vs Memphis Mafia vs Politically Incorrect:

Bilvis Wesley hits a big clothesline, not of the 'from Hell' variety. Bilvis Wesley hits a bulldog off the ropes. Steel powers out of a headlock. Super frankensteiner on Stetson, who hit hard. Stetson counters a sleeper hold by turning it into a jaw breaker. Incredibly weak powerslam on Estrada by Stetson. Face-first suplex onto the ladder from MJ. Ugly-looking short powerbomb by MJ. Jannetty gets caught with a belly to belly suplex from Steel. Gut buster, Jannetty hits hard. Steel uses a table as a ram on Marty Fuckin' Jannetty. Big clothesline from Irishman. The Drunk Irishman smashes a Playstation console over the head of Bilvis. Roderick Strong strikes Stetson. Dropkick into the ladder by Roderick, sending it into Stetson. Table shot! Back heel kick off the second rope, MJ goes down. Face jam onto the table by Bilvis. Hard Rodz whip Stetson into the ropes and hit a double backdrop. Jannetty walks into a face crusher variation. Ladder-shot by Bilvis. Bilvis Wesley and Jorge Estrada set the ladder up and climb it, grabbing the prize for the victory. Rating: 1\2 star.

(I’m pushing the Memphis Mafia and don’t know why. Sadly, Jorge Estrada is my fifth most over heel, slightly behind Mark Henry. And I wonder why I’m rapidly losing pi. And what’s a playstation shot doing in the middle of a TLC match. It’s not TLCP, although they are Snoop Frog’s backup singers. So, Bilvis and Jorge grab “the prize” which is a Tag Team title shot on the next show and a dollar off coupon from Subway.)

Winner: Memphis Mafia

Overall Rating: 49%

Crowd Reaction: 35%

Match Quality: 64%

Bad Japanese Horror Film for the HSW Lukewarm Shit Title

Repo Man vs FlockNest Monster:

Repo Man hits a right hand on FlockNest Monster. Running clothesline from Repo Man, sloppily done. Repo Man DDTs Monster, although it was hardly executed with pin-point precision. Side suplex from Repo. Repo Man grapples with FlockNest Monster, and positions himself so that the referee can't see...and hits a low blow! He rolls up the stunned FlockNest Monster: 1....2....3!! What a cheap shot! FlockNest Monster goes nuts, attacking the referee! DDT! The referee is out! Welcome to DUDville, please drive carefully.

(Repo Man is being very Triple H about everything; he doesn’t want to put anyone over. Why I’m letting him getting away with it, I don’t know, maybe because as a kid the Repo Man was my personal Jesus. And since when have people actively tried to hide low blows, they’re as common as an armbar anymore. As is the rallying cry of all internet reviewers, at least it was short.)

Winner: Repo Man

Overall Rating: 37%

Crowd Reaction: 14%

Match Quality: 61%

I Only Take Drugs that Make Me Hungry (not that I need help with that) Tables Match

Joey Numbers vs Mark Henry:

Joey Numbers goes to suplex Henry through a table, but he slips out the backdoor. Back heel kick from Numbers on Henry. Joey Numbers gets taken down out of nowhere. Some weak shots by Henry. Uninspiring brawling from Mark Henry. Mark Henry goes to slam Numbers through a table, but he manages to escape. Punch by Henry, missing Numbers by a good six inches. Numbers pushes out of a Mark Henry hold. Joey Numbers uses a running dropkick into the corner. Joey Numbers with an enziguri. Henry takes a chop from Numbers. Joey Numbers goes to slam Henry through a table, but he manages to escape. Joey Numbers misses a clothesline. Numbers takes a weak clothesline. Flapjack from Henry on Numbers. Ahmed Johnson comes running down the aisle with a chair! Henry whips Joey Numbers into the ropes. Ahmed jumps onto the apron with the chair! Collision between Ahmed, Numbers, and the chair! Joey Numbers falls to the canvas. Mark Henry moves in for the kill. Big Splash! Henry climbs onto the table with Joey Numbers, grabs his tights for no good reason, and hits a bodyslam through it for the win! The Fat Boys are beating down on Joey Numbers! The music of Tazz's Cousin Chris Chett hits, and he comes running down the aisle into the ring. Henry and Ahmed bail out of the ring, leaving Joey Numbers down in the ring. Tazz's Cousin Chris Chett may have saved Joey Numbers from a brutal beating. Bland match, but i'll give it a * rating for not being too bad.

(YOUR Stacker 2 Connection then collects up the table shards to help produce more Stacker 2. That stuff is just compressed sawdust and laxatives anyway. The Fat Boys celebrate their victory by smoking up with Snoop Frog and eating all the food in the state Oregon, even microwave tacos.)

Winner: Mark Henry

Overall Rating: 53%

Crowd Reaction: 52%

Match Quality: 54%

Eddie Money is Still Cool in Our World Tag Match for the HSW Tag Titles

Midnight Express vs 2 Tickets 2 Paradise:

Leg trip from Stan Lane. GQ gets squashed in the corner with a clothesline. There's a two count on the pin. Sweet Stan tags out to Bobby Eaton. Midnight Express whip GQ into the ropes and hit a double clothesline. Hooks the leg for a two count. Right hand from Eaton on GQ. GQ Money avoids a Bobby Eaton avalanche. Brutal forearm by GQ. There's a two count on the pin. Tag between GQ Money and Julio Dinero. Dinero crushes Eaton with a big legdrop. Hooks the leg for a close fall. Julio Dinero hits a rolling kick on Eaton. Eaton drops out the back of a Julio Dinero bodyslam attempt. Bobby Eaton uses an armbreaker to take Dinero down. Tag between Bobby Eaton and Stan Lane. Lame kick from Sweet Stan. Tag between Julio Dinero and GQ Money. Big kick from Sweet Stan. GQ Money is all alone...Rocket Launcher!! 1....2....3! I don't think the fight has finished. Midnight Express and 2 Tickets 2 Paradise have begun brawling again! They wind up brawling all the way down the aisle and out of view. I'll give it a *1\2 rating.

(“A lame kick from Sweet Stan,” c’mon Keith. It’s Stan Lane, he practically invented kicking. Post match, the Midnight Express piledrive the “Rock ‘n Roll Express” on the floor and wonder where Quincy is to take the bodies away. (Remember, no Crossing Jordan or CSI in their world, just a chain-smoking Jack Klugman and, damn it, that’s how they like it.)

Winner: Midnight Express

Overall Rating: 57%

Crowd Reaction: 55%

Match Quality: 60%

Just a Weird Ass Match Up if You Think About it for the HSW HTM TCB Title

Honky Tonk Man vs. “Carless” Mark Jindrak:

Flying elbow from Mark Jindrak. Massive backbreaker, HTM got planted. Early reports indicate that the back was *not* actually broken, so the move's name should actually be backhurter. There's a two count on the pin. HTM counters an avalanche with a raised foot to the face. Jindrak tastes a spinning neckbreaker from HTM. Honky Tonk Man slams Jindrak down. There's a two count on the pin. Honky Tonk Man uses something vaguely resembling a reverse suplex. Pin, but Jindrak is out just before the three count. Honky Tonk Man with a sloppy back bodydrop on Jindrak. Jindrak ducks a wild right hand. Spinebuster by Mark Jindrak. Hooks the leg for a two count. Tiger suplex on HTM, right from out of the Misawa playbook. Hooks the leg for a close fall. Jindrak uses a basement dropkick to the knee. Jindrak hits a right hand. Mark Jindrak misses a big legdrop after stalling too long. Chop from HTM on Jindrak. Face-first suplex from HTM, but not done well. Mark Jindrak grabs Honky Tonk Man from behind and shoves him into the ropes, then scores with a roll-up...but HTM rolls through with the move! He is using the tights for leverage! 1....2...3! The referee didn't see it! Jorge Estrada comes running down the aisle, and gets into the ring! Jindrak turns around...straight into a The Graceland!! Mark Jindrak has been left down on the canvas. I'm going to give this a ** rating because i'm in a generous mood.

(Notice how every move by HTM was sloppily done, I mean every move. I think HTM might be letting the fact that his idol is a pill popping fried food eating dead guy influence him a little too much. Then again “pill popping” and “fried food eating” reflect most of the roster and I do have a lot of guys who should be dead. His belt stands for the “Hot Shit Wrestling Honky Tonk Man Taking Care of Business Title.”)

Winner: Honky Tonk Man

Overall Rating: 61%

Crowd Reaction: 64%

Match Quality: 57%

Vodka Ain’t Nothing But Potato Water Singles Match

Sandman vs Nikita Koloff:

Punch by Koloff, missing Sandman by a good six inches. Nikita Koloff hits a bulldog off the ropes. There's a two count on the pin. Sandman powers out of a headlock. Incredibly weak headbutt on Koloff by Sandman. Sandman hits a weak elbow on Nikita Koloff. There's a two count on the pin. Sandman drops Koloff with a clothesline. Pin, but Koloff is out just before the three count. Incredibly weak powerslam on Koloff by Sandman. Koloff counters a sleeper hold by turning it into a jaw breaker. Powerslam from Nikita Koloff on Sandman. There's a two count on the pin. Side suplex from Koloff. Shades of Dino Bravo there, although even Dino could execute it better than Koloff. Cover, but there's a last second kick-out. Nikita Koloff punches away at Sandman. Weak kick from Koloff. Nikita Koloff misses a clothesline. Sandman hits a weak elbow on Nikita Koloff. Sloppy tornado punch from Sandman, Koloff barely got hit. Nikita Koloff gets whipped into the corner by Sandman, and flips all the way over to the outside! Koloff stays down on the outside, hurt. The referee reaches a ten count, and this one is over. Sandman is still in the ring celebrating. Nikita Koloff pushes the referee away, then spins Sandman around! Nikita Koloff hits the Russian Sickle! Sandman has been floored after the match. I'm going to give this a ** rating because i'm in a generous mood.

(HSW main event style seems to be all about being weak and sloppy. I should hire Triple H. Although that might be tied into the fact that my biggest draws have a combined age one day younger than the earth. Reminds me of that old Billionaire Ted parody, “This is where the old boys play” or more to the point it’s where the old boys play dead. Good thing this isn’t real or I’d have the market cornered on Rolaids by now.)

Winner: Sandman

Overall Rating: 62%

Crowd Reaction: 69%

Match Quality: 47%

Let Me Tell You What Ruined this Country Singles Match for the Hot Shit World Title

Barry Windham vs Terry Funk:

Running clothesline from Barry Windham, sloppily done. Barry Windham DDTs Funker, although it was hardly executed with pin-point precision. There's a two count on the pin. Funker counters an arm wringer with an elbow to the side of the head. Funker strikes away at Barry Windham. Terry Funk with a badly-executed spinning neckbreaker on Windham. Hooks the leg for a two count. Terry Funk scores with a crappy looking standing spinebuster. Pinfall attempt gets a 2.9999. Terry Funk hits a right hand on Barry Windham. Windham kicks Terry Funk in the gut to reverse the momentum. Barry Windham hits a sloppy double axe handle. Cover for a two count. Flapjack from Windham on Funker. Pin : 1 - 2 - 2.9999999. Weak bodyslam on Funker by Windham. Lame kick from Windham. Terry Funk comes up with a right hand out of nowhere. Windham gets squashed in the corner with a clothesline. Funker DDTs Barry Windham. Barry Windham is in trouble. Here it comes - DDT. 1....2...3, it's finished. I don't think the fight has finished. Barry Windham and Funker have begun brawling again! They wind up brawling all the way down the aisle and out of view. I'm going to give this a ** rating because i'm in a generous mood.

(I don’t think I have say it. It’s like the same match three times in a row. This could be a good reason why my public image is going down like Lizzy Borden at a Shriner’s convention. I’m thinking I need to dump some of the old guys. When I started the game, I just marked out too hard on people now available. It was like “oh my god, it’s the fucking Repo Man!” *jacks off*)

Winner: Terry Funk

Overall Rating: 63%

Crowd Reaction: 62%

Match Quality: 64%

Show Rating: 57%

PPV Buy Rate: .29 (lower than Latoya Jackson’s Strip Club World Tour specials)

Attendance: 3737 macho business donkey wrestlers

For HSW Steaming Funk: More sloppy, more weak, more lazy, more botched spot. It’s 1999 WCW without cruiserweights or production value. Be there!

to 1 inch punch-Chip Fairway, like a lot of guys, didn't make the new fed. However, if I cut a lot of the older guys I might bring him back in.

April 6, 2003

If you do start cutting old guys, don't cut Repo Man. He may be worse than the rest, but god dammit...he's the Repo Man.

April 6, 2003

HSW Steaming Funk for April 30th, 2003

Live from the Toilet

Hosts: Joey Styles and Steve Michael Payton

Supreme supremes his way into the Deacon’s office. “Supreme want to know why Supreme not on pay-per-vi…pay-pe…uh…payper, why Supreme not on payper?” If he means why he didn’t have a match at Super Karate Monkey Deathcar, it was because there was no one for him to wrestle. “Supreme hot shit in XPW, now Supreme not shit in Hot Shit.” Fine, Supreme was feuding with Funk before we boarded up XPW, so he can have a match with him tonight for the Hot Shit World Title. Better yet, the Deacon will hold a Royal Rum…oops copywrited…a Rumble that is Royal for the number one contenders shot at the next ppv. Hell, he’ll even let the winner name the next ppv as the 1000 monkeys at 1000 typewriters haven’t come up with anything yet. And just to fuck with Mark Jindrak, the winner can also have a new car. “Hmm…that lot stuff, Supreme think Supreme getting shafted.” Fine, I’ll throw in a bowl of tapioca if you win. “YAY! SUPREME LIKE PUDDING!”

Segment Rating: 74%

Lady Victoria and the FlockNest Monster are in the back with Coat Rack Steven Richards, which is kind of uncomfortable being that Coat Rack Steven Richards used to be in the FlockNest and in Lady Victoria every other Tuesday. Lady Victoria isn’t happy about losing the bikini contest at Super Karate Monkey Deathcar and she’s going to have her man take it out on the dufus who’s had an eye on Sophie, Austin Lee. The FlockNest Monster is going to rip off Austin Lee’s testicles and hand them to him on a silver platter tonight…for free, in Reno that would cost you $80.

Segment Rating: 50%

You do Besmirch my Lady’s Honor Singles Match

FlockNest Monster vs Austin Lee:

Kick from FlockNest Monster to the leg. Lee drops out the back of a FlockNest Monster bodyslam attempt. Kick from Austin Lee to the leg. FlockNest Monster charges, Lee moves, and the referee is conveniently placed to get knocked out. Tiger suplex on Monster, right from out of the Misawa playbook. Pinfall attempt, but the ref is conveniently laid out. Monster blocks a punch. Flying elbow from FlockNest Monster. Monster crushes Lee with a big legdrop. Cover for a two count. DDT from the top rope by FlockNest Monster. That looked brutal. Hooks the leg for a close fall. Lee kicks FlockNest Monster in the gut to reverse the momentum. Lee crushes Monster with a running senton. Pin : 1 - 2 - 2.9999999. Lee drops an elbow...but misses. Fate can be so cruel. Lady Victoria is at ringside! Lee wastes valuable time by yelling at Lady! FlockNest Monster takes advantage of the distraction and nails Lee from behind! FlockNest Monster has Austin Lee down on the canvas and is ascending the corner. Off the top - Moonsault, forget about it. 1....2...3! Monster and Lady tie Austin Lee up in the ropes, then start punching away at him until referees run down and break it up. Bland match, but i'll give it a * rating for not being too bad.

(Look at the match quality, then look at the crowd reaction. I’ve got to get these guys more over and apparently jobbing them out to the Repo Man isn’t the answer. Who would have thunk it? Jobbing to the Repo Man is like a sacred right. I think the Dahlia Lama has to do it before being sworn it, or whatever it is they do. In fact the last Lama granted the Repo Man total consciousness on his deathbed, so at least he’s got that working for him.)

Winner: FlockNest Monster

Overall Rating: 52%

Crowd Reaction: 29%

Match Quality: 76%

Austin Lee limps through the back. He feels like he ate some of the brown acid after that beating. Sophie comes in and says she’s sorry for the way he’s been treated lately and gives him a gift. He unwraps it and declares “A case of jumbo Little Debbie Fudge Rounds! I’m so hungry. How did you know?” She knows these things. Plus, she was thinking that it might help him out if she became his manager. “Gnarly! Can we fuck now?” “No.” (Note on Sophie: I discovered that I goofed when I gave her her gimmick. She was supposed to be a secretary, but I must have hit one above and she’s a savage. I tried to change it, but everyone from Sophie to Sophie thought it was a bad idea to change. So now I have to rethink what to do with Sophie the Savage. I could just make it Sophie the Savage Secretary, but that’s just stupid. I know, I know, that’s never stopped me before.)

Segment Rating: 71%

I’ll Trade You Some of My Pills for Your Pills Singles Match for the HSW HTM TCB Title

Honky Tonk Man vs Joey Numbers:

Numbers takes a sloppy snap suplex from Honky Tonk Man. Honky Tonk Man scores with a poor face jam on Joey Numbers. Cover for a two count. Numbers blocks the suplex attempt. Joey Numbers strikes HTM. Numbers hits a flying kick on HTM. There's a two count on the pin. Slingshot clothesline by Numbers, who almost messed it up by slipping on the ropes. Pin : 1 - 2 - 2.9999999. Numbers hits a flying kick on HTM. Numbers walks into a trip. Honky Tonk Man hits a shaky delayed suplex on Numbers. There's a two count on the pin. HTM hits a badly done swinging DDT on Joey Numbers. Cover, but there's a last second kick-out. Numbers takes a hangman's neckbreaker from HTM. Weak-ass knife-edge chop from HTM. Ricky Steamboat would be ashamed of that chop. Numbers ducks a wild right hand. Honky Tonk Man takes a knee lift from Numbers. Joey Numbers with an enziguri, although the late Owen Hart's version was far superior. HTM whips Numbers into the turnbuckles...and predictably, the referee gets sandwiched. Joey Numbers knocks HTM to the outside, then signals for the Flying Press. He reaches out of the ring for Honky Tonk Man...and gets clobbered with the ring bell! Right to the head! The referee looks up to see HTM sliding in and making the pinfall. The referee calls for the bell though! He's disqualifying Honky Tonk Man, he must have seen the ring bell shot! The match is over. Joey Numbers offers a handshake to HTM...and he accepts it! No! Honky Tonk Man pulls the tights and levels Numbers with a cheap shot right hand! Honky Tonk Man hits the Shake, Rattle and Roll! Joey Numbers has been floored after the match. Bland match, but i'll give it a * rating for not being too bad.

(Watching HTM anymore is like watching ’77 Elvis. You know he’s still got it in him, but he’s also got an extra 50 pounds and enough drugs to kill a bull elephant in him too. C’mon Ricky Steamboat is ashamed of his chops! Then again, Ricky probably still holds a 15-year-old grudge against him for having to drop the IC Title to him. And how do you signal for a flying body press and then reach out of the ring to get the guy. I know we’re not exactly High Spots ‘R Us around here [Marty Fuckin’ Jannetty: “Speak for yourself, booker man”], but pulling a guy back into the ring so you can jump onto him there just makes you look like a big dork. Then again, being a figment of Tazz’s imagination who runs around hustling diet pills doesn’t do much to make you a pussy magnet either.)

Winner: Joey Numbers by DQ

Overall Rating: 54%

Crowd Reaction: 54%

Match Quality: 55%

The Honky Tonk Man meets up with his boys in the back. He might have lost the match, but he’s still the HSW HTM TCB Title holder and that’s all that matters. In fact, he’s the greatest HSW HTM TCB Title holder of all time! Bilvis scratches his head, “Uh…you’re the only one in history.” Disgraceland elbows him in the side and says “Don’t listen to him Big HTM, he’s been sniffing glue in the back. We all know you’re the greatest.” HTM warns him against sniffing glue. It will rot your brain, make you drool on yourself and cause you to lose control of your bladder at inopportune moments just like it did to Jerry Lawler. Now you know and knowing is half the battle. Go Memphis Mafia! The Memphis Mafia all then look at the camera and gives a big thumbs up while a cartoon gleam ‘pings’ off their shining white teeth.

Segment Rating: 80%

We Saw this Match Two Weeks Ago and It Pretty Much Sucked Then for the Hot Shit Tag Titles

Midnight Express vs Memphis Mafia:

Chop from Bilvis on Eaton. Bilvis hits a stump piledriver on Bobby Eaton. Hooks the leg for a two count. Tag between Bilvis Wesley and Jorge Estrada. Memphis Mafia whip Eaton into the corner. Jorge Estrada whips Bilvis Wesley in for a hard clothesline to follow-up. Hard back suplex on Eaton. Anyone remember when that was Shawn Michaels's finisher? Cover for a two count. Dropkick connects, Eaton goes down. Eaton blocks the suplex attempt. Eaton face jams Jorge Estrada. Tag to Stan Lane. Weak bodyslam on Estrada by Sweet Stan. Weak bodyslam by Sweet Stan. Jorge Estrada pulls a mule kick out of nowhere. Tag to Bilvis Wesley. Bilvis Wesley scores with a poor face jam on Stan Lane. Bilvis Wesley scores with a weakly-hit standing spinebuster. Hooks the leg for a close fall. Bilvis Wesley hits a weak punch on Stan Lane. Sweet Stan counters an arm wringer with an elbow to the side of the head. Big clothesline from Sweet Stan. Bilvis Wesley slugs Stan Lane, sending him down into the corner. While Bilvis fires up the crowd, Sweet Stan is removing the turnbuckle pad! Bilvis Wesley comes over...but Sweet Stan grabs him by the tights and uses the leverage to slingshot Bilvis Wesley face first into the exposed steel turnbuckle! Stan Lane rolls up the stunned Bilvis Wesley, and even puts his feet on the second rope to add insult to injury! 1....2...3! What a display of cheating from Stan Lane. Midnight Express are making their way back down the aisle...but get jumped by 2 Tickets 2 Paradise! Bobby Eaton gets dropped throat-first onto the guard rail, and then Sweet Stan is double suplexed on the entrance ramp! 2 Tickets 2 Paradise storm the ring...and attack Memphis Mafia as well! Bilvis gets wiped out with the Shakin'! Jorge Estrada doesn't fair any better, and gets beaten to the floor with punches and kicks. 2 Tickets 2 Paradise have destroyed both teams! Bland match, but i'll give it a * rating for not being too bad.

(Stan Lane gets the “Eddie Guerrero Cheat to Win Award” for the week. Not only does he smash Wesley’s face into the exposed turnbuckle, but the he puts his feet on the second rope for the pin. If that doesn’t make you a rudo dick heel, I don’t know what does? That was just fucking beautiful. The WWE should bring Stan in and have him teach classes on that shit. But being in a room full of “Rock ‘n Roll Expresses” would probably freak him out and he’d have to spend a week at Club Med, because that’s what you did to relieve stress in the ‘80’s……after you ran out of coke and Thompson Twins albums.)

Winner: Midnight Express

Overall Rating: 55%

Crowd Reaction: 50%

Match Quality: 61%

Terry Funk and T’Pol are in the back with Coat Rack Steven Richards. Funk left his dentures at home, so he would love to get his hands on some pudding, although tapioca is a little lumpy and rubs his gums the wrong way. Usually, he just has T’Pol pre-chew all his food and feed it to him. On Vulcan, being allowed to pre-chew someone’s food is the highest honor one can bestow on someone after buying them a copy of a “Touch of Leonard Nimoy” on vinyl. Proud Mary keeps on boining.

Segment Rating: 65%

Tapioca Pudding Invitational for the Hot Shit World Title

Terry Funk vs Supreme: Funker takes a vertical suplex. Supreme DDTs Funker, although it was hardly executed with pin-point precision. Cover for a two count. Supreme misses a big legdrop after stalling too long. Weak headbutt on Supreme by Funker. Supreme takes a right hand to the temple from Funker. There's a two count on the pin. Sloppy tornado punch from Terry Funk, Supreme barely got hit. Hooks the leg for a close fall. Supreme takes a vertical suplex. Supreme ducks a clothesline attempt. Supreme DDTs Funker, although it was hardly executed with pin-point precision. Cover for a two count. Side suplex from Supreme. Pinfall attempt gets a 2.9999. Supreme hits a right hand on Terry Funk. Supreme strikes away at Terry Funk. Supreme drops an elbow...but misses. Fate can be so cruel. Big kick from Funker. Terry Funk scores with a crappy looking standing spinebuster. Supreme is in trouble. DDT!!! That shook the ring. 1....2....3!! Terry Funk is still in the ring celebrating. Supreme pushes the referee away, then spins Funker around! Supreme hits the Supreme Choke Slam! Terry Funk has been floored after the match. I'm going to give this a ** rating because i'm in a generous mood.

(Supreme balls like a baby post match. “Supreme get no pudding! Supreme want pudding!” Doesn’t he care that he lost the World Title. “Belt stupid. Supreme pants stay up. Nobody care about stupid belt. Supreme want pudding!” Terry Funk finds Supreme’s bowl of pudding at ringside and eats it in front of him just to be a dick. “Fuck you, I’m Terry Funk and I’m eating your god damn pudding, you son of a bitch!”

Winner: Terry Funk

Overall Rating: 61%

Crowd Reaction: 58%

Match Quality: 64%

Deacon’s been busy arranging the Rumble that is Royal and getting a blowjob from two 13 year olds. Two 13 year olds!? Put them together and they’re 26, cops buy it every time. Still he doesn’t like his chief pussy going out and promising to manage Austin Lee. What does he have that I don’t? Try two more inches. That’s silly, what would someone do with a four inch penis. That’s beside the point, if Sophie keeps messing around with Austin Lee he’ll have Giant Gonzalez chew him up and spit him out then pick his teeth with a telephone pole. Gonzalez: “I prefer flossing with television cable.”

Segment Rating: 78%

Rumble that is Royal Match for a Shot at the HSW World Title, Right to Name the Next PPV and a New Car (as we are desperate for ratings)

GQ Money and Repo Man are the first two competitors. GQ Money strikes Repo. Repo Man takes a knee lift from GQ. Entry # 3 : Marty Fuckin' Jannetty! Marty Fuckin' Jannetty scores with a back heel kick on GQ. Jannetty uses a basement dropkick to the knee. Entry # 4 : Alter Boy Luke! Dropkick connects, Repo goes down. Repo Man was eliminated by Jannetty. (Elimination # 1) Entry # 5 : Julio Dinero! GQ Money slams Luke down. Alter Boy Luke was eliminated by GQ. (Elimination # 2) Entry # 6 : T'Pol! Kick from Marty Fuckin' Jannetty to the leg. Julio Dinero got eliminated by Jannetty. (Elimination # 3) Entry # 7 : "Hot Shit" Tony Stetson! GQ takes a flying neckbreaker from Marty Fuckin' Jannetty. GQ Money got bundled out by Jannetty. (Elimination # 4) Entry # 8 : Bobby Eaton! Jannetty hits a massive spinning kick to the jaw. T'Pol got eliminated by Jannetty. (Elimination # 5) Entry # 9 : FlockNest Monster! Marty Fuckin' Jannetty scores with a back heel kick on Stetson. Jannetty threw "Hot Shit" Tony Stetson over the top rope. (Elimination # 6) Entry # 10 : Mark Henry! Incredibly weak powerslam on Eaton by Henry. Bobby Eaton was eliminated by Henry. (Elimination # 7) Entry # 11 : Bilvis Wesley! Spinning back kick from Marty Fuckin' Jannetty. FlockNest Monster was eliminated by Jannetty. (Elimination # 8) Entry # 12 : Heavy D! Mark Henry hits a weak punch on Bilvis Wesley. Bilvis Wesley got bundled out by Henry. (Elimination # 9) Entry # 13 : Disgraceland! Dissy walks into a high dropkick from Marty Fuckin' Jannetty. Disgraceland got eliminated by Jannetty. (Elimination # 10) Entry # 14 : Stan Lane! Marty Fuckin' Jannetty takes a right hand to the temple from D. Side suplex from D. Entry # 15 : Austin Lee! Austin Lee walks into a chop to the pecs. Sweet Stan slams Austin Lee down. Big John Studd would be proud, no doubt. Entry # 16 : The Drunk Irishman! Lee takes a vertical suplex. Heavy D hits Lee. Entry # 17 : Barry Windham! Heavy D strikes Mark Henry. D tried to eliminate Mark Henry, who hung onto the top rope. Entry # 18 : Rod Steel! Lame kick from D. The Drunk Irishman was eliminated by D. (Elimination # 11) Entry # 19 : Sandman! Incredibly weak headbutt on Sandman by Henry. Uninspiring brawling from Mark Henry. Entry # 20 : Lady Victoria! Steel receives some unexciting punishment. Barry Windham strikes Rod Steel. Entry # 21 : Honky Tonk Man! Marty Fuckin' Jannetty hits a rolling kick on D. Heavy D was eliminated by Jannetty. (Elimination # 12) Entry # 22 : Anus Boy Matthew! Lady Victoria takes a right hand to the temple from Windham. Barry Windham with a badly-executed spinning neckbreaker on Lady. Entry # 23 : Nikita Koloff! Sandman hits a stump piledriver on Marty Fuckin' Jannetty. Sandman tried to get Marty Fuckin' Jannetty over the top rope, but Gravity made the save. Entry # 24 : Roderick Strong! Windham gets squashed in the corner with a clothesline. Barry Windham walks into a chop to the pecs. Entry # 25 : The Miserly Jew! Lee crushes Roderick with a big legdrop. Lee tried to eliminate Roderick Strong, who hung onto the top rope. Entry # 26 : Mark Jindrak! Steel takes a snap suplex from Honky Tonk Man. Rod Steel got bundled out by HTM. (Elimination # 13) Entry # 27 : Ahmed Johnson! Sandman strikes Ahmed Johnson. Sandman DDTs Ahmed Johnson. Entry # 28 : Jorge Estrada! Uninspiring brawling from Nikita Koloff. Marty Fuckin' Jannetty got bundled out by Koloff. (Elimination # 14) Entry # 29 : Tazz's Cousin Chris Chett! HTM uses a neckbreaker on Ahmed. Ahmed Johnson was eliminated by HTM. (Elimination # 15) Entry # 30 : Joey Numbers! Tazz's Cousin Chris Chett strikes Roderick. Roderick Strong got eliminated by Chetti. (Elimination # 16) Estrada uses a basement dropkick to the knee. Austin Lee got eliminated by Estrada. (Elimination # 17) Numbers takes a weak clothesline. Sandman tried to eliminate Joey Numbers, who hung onto the top rope. Numbers hits a flying kick on MJ. Numbers snapmares The Miserly Jew. Chanelling the spirit of Misawa, Mark Jindrak uses a forearm to the face. Fallaway slam by Mark Jindrak. Lady Victoria walks into a suplex from Honky Tonk Man. Kick from HTM, showing his awesome grasp of technical wrestling. HTM suplexes Windham to the canvas. Barry Windham got thrown over the top rope by HTM. (Elimination # 18) HTM uses a neckbreaker on MJ. Honky Tonk Man scores with a crappy looking standing spinebuster. Weak kick from Koloff. Nikita Koloff scores with a crappy looking standing spinebuster. Uninspiring brawling from Mark Henry. Anus Boy Matthew was eliminated by Henry. (Elimination # 19) Forearm to the face from Numbers on Lady. Numbers went for the elimination, but Lady Victoria held on to the ropes. Sharp kick from HTM, although it clearly missed. HTM threw Mark Henry over the top rope. (Elimination # 20) Stiff high kick on Chetti by Jorge Estrada who has evidently been watching some old AJPW tapes recently. Estrada threw Tazz's Cousin Chris Chett over the top rope. (Elimination # 21) Lady eats a swinging neckbreaker slam from Sweet Stan. Sweet Stan tried to eliminate Lady Victoria, who hung onto the top rope. Lady, chanelling the power of Tatanka, hits a high kick on Sandman. Lady tried to get Sandman over the top rope, but Gravity made the save. Flying shoulder tackle by Jindrak sends Numbers to the mat. Joey Numbers got thrown over the top rope by Jindrak. (Elimination # 22) Lady Victoria hits a sloppy bulldog off the ropes. Lady went for the elimination, but Sandman held on to the ropes. Incredibly weak powerslam on Sweet Stan by Koloff. Nikita Koloff hits a weak punch on Stan Lane. Spinning back kick from Jorge Estrada. Stan Lane was eliminated by Estrada. (Elimination # 23) Sluggish brawling from Koloff. Koloff DDTs Sandman. Estrada hits a wicked chop that echoes through the building. Lady Victoria got eliminated by Estrada. (Elimination # 24) Honky Tonk Man slams Sandman down. HTM tried to eliminate Sandman, who hung onto the top rope. Jorge Estrada scores with a back heel kick on Sandman. Driven DDT by Jorge Estrada. The ring shook violently, instantly making it better at selling than some of the current roster. Nikita Koloff hits a weak punch on The Miserly Jew. Nikita Koloff hits a big clothesline, not of the 'from Hell' variety. HTM uses a neckbreaker on MJ. The Miserly Jew got bundled out by HTM. (Elimination # 25) Super kick by Jorge Estrada. Estrada went for the elimination, but Mark Jindrak held on to the ropes. Honky Tonk Man with a sloppy back bodydrop on Jindrak. HTM tried to eliminate Mark Jindrak, who hung onto the top rope. Uninspiring brawling from Sandman. Sandman hits a weak punch on Nikita Koloff. Mark Jindrak scores with a back heel kick on HTM. Honky Tonk Man was eliminated by Jindrak. (Elimination # 26) Jindrak hits a massive spinning kick to the jaw. Jindrak threw Jorge Estrada over the top rope. (Elimination # 27) Flying elbow from Mark Jindrak. Jindrak tried to eliminate Sandman, who hung onto the top rope. Mark Jindrak scores with a back heel kick on Sandman. Jindrak tried to get Sandman over the top rope, but Gravity made the save. Sandman hits some weak-looking punches. Sandman went for the elimination, but Nikita Koloff held on to the ropes. Big backdrop on Koloff, executed well. Nikita Koloff got eliminated by Jindrak. (Elimination # 28) Uninspiring brawling from Sandman. Sandman hits a big clothesline, not of the 'from Hell' variety. Sandman moves in for the kill. White Russian Legsweep!!! That shook the ring. Sandman threw Mark Jindrak over the top rope. I'll give a 1\2 star rating.

(Jindrak was that close to winning the car…but didn’t. As a consolation prize Jindrak gets “Boxcar Willie’s International Hobo’s Guide to Riding the Rails while Avoiding Syphilis.” Marty Fuckin’ Jannetty was on fire for the early going. You know why? Because he’s Marty Fuckin’ Jannetty, that’s why! Considering that a Rumble takes over an hour and we already had about an hour and forty five minutes of a two-hour show, I’m not sure how that worked out. Then again, we are on TQS. What would we be bumping, reruns of Nanny and the Professor? I don’t even know what TQS is; it could be the Eskimo Home Shopping network for all I know. EDIT: A little research has turned up that it appears to be a loose affiliation of French-Canadian UHF stations. To quote Chevy Chase, “I could wake up tomorrow morning with my head nailed to the carpet and I wouldn’t be any more surprised than I am right now.”)

Winner: Sandman

Overall Rating: 49%

Crowd Reaction: 40%

Match Quality: 58%

Show Rating: 61%

TV Rating: 2.04

Attendance: 387 people who had to stay until 3 a.m. because of the Rumble that is Royal match and started praying for sweet, sweet death.

SPECIAL ANNOUNCEMENT!

The HSW has been bought out by Jim Kettner. At first I was wondering what a former SNL cast member was doing buying us out, but did some research and found out he’s the owner of the ECWA. I’d make fun of the guy, but I still don’t have a clue who he is.

Also the passing of the month means we get to celebrate April birthdays. So what do you want for your birthdays’ guys?

Terry Funk (56): “The return of the Eisenhower Administration.”

Nikita Koloff (51): “Honestly? A blow job, haven’t had one since the Eisenhower administration…when Nixon visited the USSR.”

Stan Lane (49): “A white suit with a pink shirt, a skinny tie and dress shoes with no socks. I will naturally have to peg the pants.”

Repo Man (41): “I’ve always wanted to repo a fellow repo man! That would be too surreal! (guffaws and prattles on like he was Peter O’Toole fucked up on his birthday)

Supreme (29): “What you think Supreme want? PUDDING! ME WANT PUDDING! FUCK YOU! GIVE SUPREME PUDDING!”

April 7, 2003

Sophie the Savage: could take that SO many nasty places Deacon... However, whatever vile, evil and disgusting thoughts you can come up with will so out do mine; with that I'll just leave it up to you.

April 7, 2003

You know, the "get a car" stip was incredibly effective booking. Throughout the whole match I was watching Jindrak, getting more and more eager...and then had my heart broken into little atoms when Sandman put Our Carless Hero over the top.

I think a Jindrak/Sandman feud over that very car could be HUGE. Huge, I say. It might actually get close to being good at some point, though, and I'm not sure if that's acceptable.

April 7, 2003

I might have read wrong, but did Honky Tonk Man pull Numbers's tights for the post-match cheapshot? That's taking it a bit too far, but whatever.

Hot Shit Wresting EWR Diary

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