your WWE SMACKDOWN WORKRATE REPORT- 4/4/2003!

[Guest DEAN RASMUSSEN]

It`s my day off so this might be kinda slack assed. Yeah yeah, fuck you and your civilized world....

 

WHAT WORKED-

- Hey, I love a tournament. Can Misterio get a good match out of Undertaker? Undertaker is on a hotstreak of noncompleteshittiness lately- of course I didn`t see Wrestlemania- did his tag match STEAL THE SHOW? WAS IT A SHOW STEALER!?!? DID THE UT/ JONES vs BIG SHOW/A-TRAIN STEAL THE SHOW BECAUSE IT WAS SO GREAT?!?! WOULD IT BE CLASSIFIED AS THE SHOW-STEALER?!?!?!?! I don`t know. I could not tell you. Anyhoos, Misterio sells big for the Undertaker. Undertaker sells for Misterio`s comeback, making a DDT counter look good. UT sells the 619 and then kills Misterio with a powerbomb. This was as good as it could possibly be considering- plus the postmatch hug gets Misterio`s heat back. Misterio and UT try to make the shitty booking as undamaging as possible. There.

 

- FUCK YEAH! MATTITUDE! He`s on the stick! Brian Kendrick comes out and Shannon explains why he lost (ear ache. I can see it.). Noble needs to start wearing those OP shorts that real rednecks wear. These long ones would get his ass kicked at the 33rd Precinct Bar and Grill in South Norfolk, VA. Noble bumps big. Nidia bumps big. Noble hits the swwweeeeeeet DiBiase powerslam. Noble rolls through the toprope hurricanrana. THEN! Kendrick bumps directly on his neck. Nidia is a younger Sherri Martel, taking the slide into the face. Kendrick wins with his ShoooEEEEeeenoooeee and Matt storms the ring and kills him by knocking him over the toprope and Kendrick dies for my pleasure. Matt calls Lesnar out as the concussion faking pussy-assed pansy-assed Little Lord Fountleroy that he is! FUCK YEAH! GITTEM MATT! NEXT WEEK IS THE WEEK OF MATTITUDE! FUCK MOTHERFUCKING YEAH!

 

- Al Wilson bids adieu to the lovely ladies of Hardees and knows that he will need their help before the Baron is destroyed. He gets into his Cadillac and starts rolling down the road with New York brim and his gold tooth display. His cell phone rings and he answers. ``Wilson.``

 

``My brother, this is...Jivetone Tiger. I ain`t...feeling so good, m`man.``

 

``JTT, what happened? Where are you?``

 

``The Baron... He attacked us and I.. think took our DNA... Can you come get me...``

 

- I love a tournament. Benoit wrestles A-Train AGAIN! This is like the 54th time this year. A-Train`s music sucks it. A-Train has the offense flurry of a man who will not win. A-Train rolls out of the Crossface and does a neat submission that he turns into a slam, which seems counterproductive when you think about it. Cole and Tazz get over the neck psychology of the match and A-Train holds up his end by working on the neck and blowing up instantly. A-Train fucks up a Sunset Flip spot but hits that nice Ron Simmons In DOOM Slingshot spot. Benoit keeps getting cut off after chopping his way to offense. Benoit finally German`s his way to offense and he makes the motion showing where they will make the incision to try to get feeling back in his legs if he keeps doing the next move- the Diving headbutt. A-Train has one last flurry of offense before Benoit kills him with the Crossface. If they are actually going to push A-Train, they should have given him this win. I guess they aren`t. They you go. The match itself was one of those Pushed vs Slightly Less Pushed matches where you can tell who is winning because he will sell the whole match- which is the least satisfying of the Benoit oeurve. I didn`t hate A-Train in this at all. Eh, it`s Benoit. It rules.

 

- John Cena and Eddy have a little match. Cena`s punches suck early. The Vertical Suplex was Bulldog-esque. Cena then does a bearhug? Was he trained by Ken Patera? Then a belly-to-belly and Eddy headbutts to comeback and the FIVEARM! EDDY RULES! Eddy with the Rolling Verticals and I await a future Rolling Backrakes spot. Cena`s offense looks so pedestrian compared to Eddy- but so does everybody else who isn`t Rey Misterio and Chris Benoit. Cena with the Stevie Ray-level Death Valley Bomb to get the upset. Perfectly Fine Wrestling.

 

- TEAM ANGLE and Team Former Japanese Indie Scum have a fun match. Shelton leans into the Superkick LIKE A MAN. They go with the myriad of tagteam moves and Tajiri does the nice Springboard Elbow off the ropes to get the HOT TAG! and Funaki is fabulous as Robert Gibson. Tajiri is Southern as a motherfucker distracting the ref from TEAM ANGLE cheating to get the submission. This would be a fine little feud and they should run with it. Funaki and Tajiri could car4ry these guys as well as Benoit and Eddy`s tagteams have.

 

- FUCK YEAH! The BIG SHOW`S THEME! IT`S THE BIIIG SHOW! NEVER KNOW WHO WILL BE THE SOMETHING! THE BIG SHOW! THE BIG SHOW! then the match starts. Hop down yonder for that.

 

WHAT DIDN`T WORK-

 

- We have the opening segment and it appears the singer for RATT is running Smackdown now? God, he`s beefed up. Look at those pecs.

 

- The FBI segment looked like one of those Volkswagen commercials. I await the driver to be singing ``Mr Roboto`` while the other three try to tie a mattress to the roof of the car. This made me want to ride with a slightly smaller crowd, not want to see folks wrestle other folks so fuck this.

 

- Jesus fucking Christ. Will Roddy Piper never leave my life ever? Jesus, go away, old man. I mean fuck. he`s like an annoying uncle that shows up at your mother`s house on Thanksgiving and starts talking about the rubberbands the doctors put around his hemmoroids.

 

- Speaking of old ass motherfuckers who will not get the fuck off my goddam TV screen, Hulk Hogan shows up with his teenage grandson and Jimmy Hart`s dad.

 

- Chuck Palumbo looks odd with the glasses on- like he is an English major and Nunzio and Johnnie are picking him up to go to the party on the 7th floor. They talk to the Undertaker like men. They have a problem. There is a problem. The acting is the problem. When UT is the closest to the Oscar nomination, you are in trouble. What a shitty fued this will be.

 

- Torrie Wilson is SO PROUD to be on the pages that 16 year old boys and 42 year old overweight virgins spew sweaty, shame-filled semen all over before they reach for the Cheetos and 2 liter Mr Pibb. Hey! It`s Sable! Why not? She was the first to offer up the bacon strip for jactacular release to the WWF sexually retarded target audience. God, with Piper on the show, we will have just complete overload of whores on this show. Sable is as dynamic on the stick as ever and you were riveted at the oratory. At least Sable has the MILF thing going for her. LESBIANIC~! Torrie greases up her bacon strip thinking about the kiss from Sable and I wonder where the wrestling is!?!? Hahahaha! Not really. I was wondering what they would look like naked, oiled up and writhing around with each other in the ring- while the Big Show- wearing a pair of aqua Speedos- is sitting on top turnbuckle eating a bag of Doritos cheering them on and throwing five dollar bills at them. That would spike the ratings.

 

- Rhyno is a good little wrestler. The Big Show is a greenish pulsating figure-eight-shaped turd of a wrestler. Rhyno tries to bump enough to make this good but there is nothing he can do. Big Show does a thousand beals while trying to catch his breath before his heart explodes. Rhyno GORE GORE GORE GORE GORE GORES! A-Train runs in for the DQ and causes Cole to use the word ``damn`` awkwardly. The Big Show does a postmatch legdrop before making his quest for a difibulator and they play the loser`s music for some reason.

 

- McMahon apologizes to Hogan. I was hoping each would reach into their sides and start fencing each other with their plastic replacement hips and pinching their pecs to shoot greenish steroid-produced lactation streams at each other that burn and mutilate on contact. Instead we get a shitty ending to an otherwise perfectly fine show as they shake hands and then McMahon HAS A SECRET PLAN TO PAY HOGAN TO STAY AT HOME! and we all await Hulk Hogan as the Midnite Rider. Wait, Hogan wears his fannypack while streetfighting! This is somehow WORSE than hulkamania vs the Dungeon of Doom. And noone can POSSIBLY give a shit about this scene of two old men sucking each other`s dick? Is that a genre of porn I don`t know about? I don`t want my wrestling to inform me about fucked up perversions that I was previously blissfully oblivious to....

 

THERE YOU HAVE IT.

 

DEAN RASMUSSEN.

[Guest AndrewTS]

When Sable came out, I commented "Hey Torrie, your mom is here and she's tired of waiting in the car."

 

Would Al Wilson consider her fuckworthy material the 20-some years ago Torrie was conceived? Or would even he be put off by her bitchiness?

[Guest DEAN RASMUSSEN]

I'm sure Al would say that it may be be worn but it ain't worn out. Pussy is pussy.

 

DEAN.

[Guest AndrewTS]

Favorite lines of the report for me:

 

"Torrie Wilson is SO PROUD to be on the pages that 16 year old boys and 42 year old overweight virgins spew sweaty, shame-filled semen all over before they reach for the Cheetos and 2 liter Mr Pibb. "

 

And of course...

 

"McMahon apologizes to Hogan. I was hoping each would reach into their sides and start fencing each other with their plastic replacement hips and pinching their pecs to shoot greenish steroid-produced lactation streams at each other that burn and mutilate on contact."

 

BTW, have you noticed that A-Train is mutating into Zangief of Street Fighter fame? Of course, I wish he'd gain his workrate, but I've seen far worse hosses. Plus he built on some of the spots from the last match with Benoit.

 

If you have a match with Benoit that doesn't completely lick nuts there is hope for you.

[Guest AndrewTS]

I'm sure Al would say that it may be be worn but it ain't worn out. Pussy is pussy.

 

DEAN.

He's a far braver man than I, in that case.

[Guest CED Ordonez]

BTW, have you noticed that A-Train is mutating into Zangief of Street Fighter fame?

If he gets some red and yellow tights and dubs himself the Red Cyclone, I may mark out heavier for it than I have for anything else.

[Bored 0]

And noone can POSSIBLY give a shit about this scene of two old men sucking each other`s dick? Is that a genre of porn I don`t know about? I don`t want my wrestling to inform me about fucked up perversions that I was previously blissfully oblivious to....

I'll take check or money order and ship it in 2-4 days.

[Guest AndrewTS]

BTW, have you noticed that A-Train is mutating into Zangief of Street Fighter fame?

If he gets some red and yellow tights and dubs himself the Red Cyclone, I may mark out heavier for it than I have for anything else.

A single Final Atomic Buster WOULD get A-Train over.

[Guest DEAN RASMUSSEN]

And noone can POSSIBLY give a shit about this scene of two old men sucking each other`s dick? Is that a genre of porn I don`t know about? I don`t want my wrestling to inform me about fucked up perversions that I was previously blissfully oblivious to....

I'll take check or money order and ship it in 2-4 days.

AWESOME!

 

DEAN.

[Guest Goodear]

Hey Yo,

 

I missed the Undertaker/Rey and Kendrick/Noble because I went out for dinner... I missed Vince/Hogan because I turned off the television and went to read something. I'm so not going to watch those two swap love stories when there are perfectly good copies of The Communist Manifesto lying around. Screw them.

 

I love a tournament. Benoit wrestles A-Train AGAIN! This is like the 54th time this year. A-Train`s music sucks it. A-Train has the offense flurry of a man who will not win.

 

You know, thats what I love about the Choo Choo, he's midcarder and he acts like it! He doesn't kick the hell out of the headbutt, oh no, he puts a foot on the ropes to get a pause and then kicks out. That's the mark of a midcarder who knows its his role to put the other guy over. And you never know what fucked up thing Train is going to use next, I mean, what the hell was that fucking thing? A wheelbarrow crossface slam? Jimminy Jilikers. Even the freaking tap out was cool, since Train lifted the arm up and held it there to get the folks a little excited and then did the tappage. That's good stuff. HOW CAN YOU HATE THIS FURRY MONSTROUSITY!?!?!?

 

I was a little perplexed by the chinlock myself, but I'm not sure if its because Train wanted to work the neck or if he wanted to make sure Benoit wasn't hurt following the ... thingee.

 

- John Cena and Eddy have a little match.  Perfectly Fine Wrestling.

 

Yeah, I'll go along with that. Cena is picking it up a bit now that he's getting the pusheroo, but the dude needs to work on his offense a bit and get something over other than the DVD. Which, is one more move than he had over before the push started, so I guess thats okay.

 

- TEAM ANGLE and Team Former Japanese Indie Scum have a fun match.

 

Yup. Haas is growing on me with his little smiles and "I defeated you and now I think I shall go for a jog to get some real exercise" looks. I think this might have been the most offense I've ever seen Funaki get in his WWE tenure... and its TITO SANTANA REBORN~! All he needs is the flying enchilada and the transformation will be complete.

 

- Rhyno is a good little wrestler. The Big Show is a greenish pulsating figure-eight-shaped turd of a wrestler.

 

It's funny, the slower the Big Show moves, the more I like him. It's just ... I don't know... the opposite of every wrestler ever. Rhyno has trouble working with bigger people because of his power offense. But damn, who wouldn't have trouble working against a load of rocks like Show? Poor Rhyno...

 

THERE IT BE

[Guest DEAN RASMUSSEN]

This week Goodear starts off as bitter as we like him to be and then he starts cyber-kissing Charlie Haas on the virtual mouth and I get all confused again. Is this REALLY our Goodear?

 

DEAN.

[EL DANDY~! 0]

I was wondering what they would look like naked, oiled up and writhing around with each other in the ring- while the Big Show- wearing a pair of aqua Speedos- is sitting on top turnbuckle eating a bag of Doritos cheering them on and throwing five dollar bills at them. That would spike the ratings.

When DEAN is right, DEAN is right. Anyone else got this sneaky suspicion that Vince is gonna bring in Missy and Tammy just to spite us?

 

And I want my own Caboose-like segment on this report, too, DAMMIT! Speaking of, Caboose, more on the ornary, surly bastardness. Less on the ass-kissing...but yeah. You being surly is superbly choice, my friend...