New AEIPT Column

[Guest evenflowDDT]

Yo... been bustin' my ass on this latest column for the past few days, hope you enjoy. Or at least read it. I'm burned out as hell, so I'm copying and pasting these movie descriptions:

 

Angels / Getting Into Heaven - God is not only black, but has a strange sense of humor when He assigns Angels to those on Earth who need help becoming... well... dead. Two dead mobsters help a psychotic cowboy named Tex kill Leon DeWilde, a video artist obsessed with "the fear of death" which becomes all too real when Tex snuffs Leon's mime assistant, attacks his girlfriend-of-the-moment, and finally challenges Leon to an old-fashioned shootout on the streets of Brooklyn where God and His special Angel-Women gather to witness modern Wild West justice with a heavenly twist! One of the strangest films of the â70s, Angels combines comic fantasy with sex and violence for a uniquely eccentric view of Life, Death and Life After Death. Then super-abundant sex goddess Uschi Digart is "Heaven," an aspiring film actress who can barely speak English: "I vont to be a movie stah!" After an inspirational nude rubdown from her roommate Sin, she decides to put her perfect body to good use by kidnapping lecherous film producer Mr. Salacity and "auditioning" for him to land a film role. Things get crazy when Salacity turns out to be a gleefully inexhaustible sex maniac, all of which proves that Getting into Heaven has nothing to do with being good!

 

The Toy Box / Toys Are Not For Children - "The Toy Box" (1971, 89 min.) - Explore a kinky pleasure chest when swingers Donna and Ralph are invited to a midnight party at the castle of "Uncle," an overweight pervert. However, it appears that Uncle has died, which doesn't stop the guests from turning his wake into a non-stop orgy. Reality and illusion blur as various partygoers may or may not be gruesomely murdered; worse, a giant nude woman informs our guests that Uncle is actually an alien who's collecting specimens for an extraterrestrial toy store specializing in the brains of "depraved" humans! One of the most bizarre mixes of surreal sex and horror to ever assault audiences, "The Toy Box" features direction by the cinematographer of "Twin Peaks" and a cast of sex-film starlets including the incredible Uschi Digart, who gets fondled by an amorous bed! "Toys Are Not for Children" (1973, 84 min.) - Miserable with her marriage to a toy-store clerk and obsessed with memories of her long-absent father, child-like Jamie learns that toys are not for children when she turns her life around--by becoming a hooker! Playing "daddy's little girl" with dirty old men, she finds true happiness until a friend arranges a special "date" between Jamie and her whore-hungry dad that, to put it mildly, does not go well. Two toy-friendly sickies definitely not for the kiddies!

 

Citizen Toxie - A tale of two Toxies!!!

Citizen Toxie is Troma’s most ambitious and successful movie. When the notorious Diaper Mafia take hostage the Tromaville School for the Very Special, only the Toxic Avenger and his morbidly obese sidekick Lardass can save Tromaville. However, a horrific explosion creates a dimensional portal between Tromaville and its dimensional mirror image, Amortville. While the Toxic Avenger (Toxie) is trapped in Amortville, Tromaville comes under the control of Toxie’s evil doppelganger, the Noxious Offender (Noxie). Will Toxie return to Tromaville in time to stop Noxie’s rampage or is he doomed to remain a second-class citizen in Amortville forever? How did Toxie’s wife Sarah become pregnant with two babies from two different fathers? Will Tito, the Retarded Rebel, ever get over his teen angst and become a productive member of society?

Citizen Toxie features the most formidable line-up of superheroes ever assembled, including Sgt. Kabukiman NYPD, Mad Cowboy, Dolphin Man, Master Bator and The Vibrator. Auteur director Kaufman has also assembled a cast that reads like a veritable reunion of Troma superstars, including Ron Jeremy, Lemmy, Hank the Angry Drunken Dwarf, James Gunn, Kinky Finklestein and many others. Hilarious and shocking; erotic and surprising. Citizen Toxie is full of unforgettable special effects – everyone is calling it a Tromasterpiece.

 

I Spit On Your Grave - Elite Entertainment proudly presents the next entry in the famed MILLENNIUM EDITION DVD series: Meir Zarchi’s “I SPIT ON YOUR GRAVE” a.k.a. “DAY OF THE WOMAN.” Filled with the bonus materials you’ve come to expect from Elite’s MILLENNIUM EDITION series, this highly anticipated DVD release tells the tale of Jennifer Hills, a magazine writer from New York City who retires to a secluded cabin in the woods to write her first novel. There she is brutally assaulted, raped and left for dead by four “country boys.” BUT JENNIFER IS ALIVE. Emotionally destroyed, she no longer writes her novel; instead she finds herself choreographing a horrific revenge scheme to inflict punishment on her four assailants in methods such as the screen has never seen before!

 

Originally titled “DAY OF THE WOMAN,” “I SPIT ON YOUR GRAVE” has gained a reputation over the years as an extremely graphic and violent film, as well as the most controversial film to hit the world! Now you decide for yourself: Is it really “Just another exploitation film

to be dismissed” as some film critics assert, or is it, as other critics proclaim, “Truly a masterpiece of cinema.”

 

Jesus Christ Vampire Hunter - This indie film garnered awards on the festival circuit, including Slamdance, Zombiedance, the Fargo Film Festival and the Santa Cruz Film Festival. The far-out story has Jesus finally returning to Earth -- but he must contend with a world under assault by a band of vampires. Mary Magnum and the god of Mexican wrestling, El Santos, help Jesus fight evil in this oddball horror-comedy.

 

Dead Ringers - In Dead Ringers, David Cronenberg tells the chilling story of identical twin gynecologists—suave Elliot and sensitive Beverly, bipolar sides of one personality—who share the same practice, the same apartment, the same women. When a new patient, glamorous actress Claire Niveau, challenges their eerie bond, they descend into a whirlpool of sexual confusion, drugs, and madness. Jeremy Irons’ tour-de-force performance—as both twins—raises disturbing questions about the nature of personal identity.

 

La Parka - ???

 

EDIT: WHY CAN'T I EVER FUCKING REMEMBER THAT THERE'S NO TAGS IN THE GODA MNED POLL OPTIONS?!?!?!!

[Guest DrTom]

OMG TAGS IN POLLS~!!11!!!

 

BAN PLZ~!!!!11!1!!!

 

Fixed it for you, Ed. And voted, while I was at it.

[The Dames 0]

....I DEMAND I Spit On Your Grave.

 

I've heard great things about it and from what I've read, the plot rules it.

 

Dames

[Guest evenflowDDT]

OMG TAGS IN POLLS~!!11!!!

 

BAN PLZ~!!!!11!1!!!

 

Fixed it for you, Ed. And voted, while I was at it.

Thanks Tom.

 

Oh, I guess I should say how long the Poll's valid for. I'll check it out on Friday, and if I Spit On Your Grave doesn't win, I'll certainly make it the column after that.

[Guest Zack Malibu]

You MUST do Toxic Avenger 4. Hell, people have been waiting for it for years, and you could get an onslaught of TSMers into Troma!

[Guest evenflowDDT]

Well, out of a whopping 9 votes (one for each reader... that includes me ), the winner is....I Spit On Your Grave! (aww, if only we could post sound clips as well as screen caps, I'd post the awesome voice-over of the title from the trailer)

 

It probably won't be up for a while, since I want to do good on my film midterm on Thursday, and am chilling out... but I'll definitely try to get it up within two to three weeks. I wanted to have a column ready on my one year anniversary (May 6th I believe?) but there's just no way. Not that that's a bad thing... quality over quantity.