Guest EdwardKnoxII Report post Posted May 25, 2003 Maxim had a list of the 30 lamest superheros and here is the list. 30. Silver Surfer Status: Member of the Defenders Secret identity: Norrin Rad Origin: In exchange for planet-eating Galactus sparing his home world of Zenn-la, Norrin Rad became his lackey, the Silver Surfer. Eventually, he defies the gargantuan planet hog and starts using his power for good. Power: He has superstrength, invulnerability, and can shoot beams of the power cosmic. Also has great balance. Why so lame: More like a living billboard for sports drinks, the Silver Surfer always looked like he was traversing the cosmos buck naked. And why would an alien space traveler have a surfboard anyway? 29. Blue Beetle Status: Member of the Justice League of America Secret identity: Ted Kord Origin: Ted Kord, former chairman of the board of KORD Inc., uses his electronic genius to fight crime as the Blue Beetle. Power: Hes got none, but he does own a buttload of giant beetle-shaped gadgets and vehicles. Why so lame: Hes a little too in love with his whole bizarre Beetle motif. Its not as if beetles are extraordinary bugs or anything. Now, Crimson Caterpillarthats a name! 28. Green Lantern Status: Member of the Justice League of America Secret identity: Multiple; currently Kyle Rayner Origin: One of over 3,000 members comprising the Corps, Green Lantern of Space Sector 2814 protects Earth, the surrounding cosmos, and the Diamond District. Power: A ring that can create force fields, cast destructive beams, heal the wounded, and make the gals at the parlor positively green with envy. Why so lame: His superpowers come from battery-powered jewelry. Most degradingly, hes defenseless against the color yellow. If you should encounter the Lantern, shower him in spray butter. While he obsessive-compulsively polishes his ring, run. 27. Darkman Status: Probably lurking somewherewatch behind you! Secret identity: Peyton Westlake Origin: Hideously burned by gangsters who were ransacking his laboratory, Darkman lurks in the shadows, fighting injustice and changing his face more often than his underwear. Power: Synthetic skin enables Darkman to assume different identities but only for brief amounts of time. Hes alsowhats the term? totally farking nuts. Why so lame: A walking plastic surgery disaster? What kind of hero is that?! 26. The Phantom Status: Former member of the Defenders of the Earth Secret identity: Kit Walker Origin: After witnessing his parents killed by pirates (arrrh!), the mysterious Phantom, um, shakes his fist and threatens bad guys from his jungle hideout. Power: Hes got no powers to speak of. He is known, though, to carry handguns, and he sports a ring with a skull on it. He also wears purple tights. Or would that be eggplant? Why so lame: A pair of six-shooters and a trusty steed are fine if youre Clint Eastwood. But if youre a hermit in a unitard, it sucks. 25. SHE-RA Secret identity: Princess Adora Origin: He-Mans twin sister. Power: She has superstrength, a flying pony, and roid-rage-fueled PMS. Why so lame: When bad guys are hunky, she must remember to tape over her supernipples before getting into costume or theyll slice through the fabric, traumatizing children. 24. DAREDEVIL Secret identity: Matt Murdock Origin: Blinded by radioactive waste, Murdock swore to fight crime after goons murdered his boxer dad. Is also a lawyer. Power: He has batlike radar sense that makes up for his lack of seeingnesssort of. Why so lame: Hes. A. Blind. Superhero. Whats next? Quadriplegic Stone Deaf Man? 23. CAPTAIN MARVEL Secret identity: Billy Batson Origin: A subway-dwelling wizard (yeah, sure, buddy) gave young Billy the ability to turn into an adult superhero. Power: By saying Shazam!, Billy can fly and is invulnerable. Why so lame: Is he a little boy who can become a grown man or vice versa? Either way you slice it, its icky. 22. THE FLASH Secret identity: Barry Allen Origin: Simultaneously struck by lightning and doused with chemicals (What sign was this asshole born under?), Barry Allen became the fastest man alivethe Flash! Power: He can run really fast. Alsono, wait, thats it. Why so lame: When a curb can defeat you, youre lame. 21. INVISIBLE WOMAN Secret identity: Sue Storm Origin: On a rocket designed by her future husband, Reed Richards, Sue took a radiation bath that gave her superpowers. Which issuper! Power: She can turn invisible and set up force fields. Why so lame: Now, Inaudible Woman is something we could all get behind 20. MOON KNIGHT Secret identities: Marc Spector, Steven Grant, Jake Lockley Origin: Marc Spector gave up the soldier-of-fortune biz and invented several new identities, including Moon Knight. Power: None. Why so lame: What kind of nocturnal avenger wears all white? Why not just put blinking lights on your head, dork? 19. PUCK Secret identity: Eugene Judd Origin: Soldier of fortune (thats original) Eugene fell victim to an evil spirit that transformed him into a beefy midget. Doh! Power: Hes very strong and can somersault ferociously. Why so lame: Hes a midget in a leotard named for a chunk of rubber that gets slapped around by Canadians. Any questions? 18. HOURMAN Secret identity: Rex Tyler Origin: Rex developed an addictive miracle drug named Miraclo (duh!), which gives a person momentary superpowers. Power: Strength, near-invulnerability, and speedfor an hour. Why so lame: His powers can be nullified by a traffic delay. When taken in the bedroom, he becomes 30-second Man. 17. MAN-THING Secret identity: Ted Sallis Origin: A lab accident in a swamp turned biochemist Sallis into a lumbering heap of vegetation. Power: Photosynthesis. His touch burns anyone who fears him. Looks pretty in the den, by the window. Why so lame: He looks like something a vegan vomited up. 16. BLACK LIGHTNING Secret identity: Jefferson Pierce Origin: Jefferson acquired an electricity-generating superbelt to help him fight crime and dispense justice in the ghetto. Power: Can generate electricityenough to power a small black-and-white television for up to 20 minutes. Why so lame: Judging by Black Lightnings credentials (disco tights and funky belt), Bootsy Collins could be a superhero. 15. WONDER WOMAN Secret identity: Princess Diana (no, not that one) Origin: Chosen by the Amazons to serve as their crime-fighting champion in the world of Man. Power: Superstrength, a pair of bullet-deflecting bracelets, and a gold lasso that makes people tell the truth. In other words, the girlfriend from hell. Why so lame: PMS. See this star-spangled stripper in the parking lot, feeling around for her invisible jet? Back off. 14. SHE-HULK Secret identity: Jennifer Walters Origin: The Mob tried to rub out Jenny with a shower of bulletsLittle did they know her cousin was Bruce the Hulk Banner. After an emergency green-blood transfusion, Jennifer became the She-Hulk. Power: She has superstrength; can pulverize any johnson between her mighty she-labia. Why so lame: Basically, shes just a hot green chick. Yawn. 13. FIRESTORM Secret identities: Ronny Raymond and Martin Stein Origin: An accident fused the minds of student Ronny and professor Martin into one hero: Firestorm. Power: He can fly and phase through solid objects. Why so lame: Imagine trying to fight crime as a voice in your head corrects your grammar 12. THOR Secret identity: Donald Blake Origin: The son of the Norse god Odin, Thor was punished for his arrogance and forced to assume the part-time identity of a crippled medical student. Power: He has superstrength, flight, and a magic hammer; has amazing blond hair with body and bounce! Why so lame: Any superhero whod be played by Fabio should quit and start hitting the mead. 11. GREEN ARROW Secret identity: Oliver Queen Origin: Stuck on a deserted island, Oliver taught himself the hunting skills that hed later use to fight bad guys. Power: He has incredible aimalso uses trick arrows that wear cute boxing gloves. Why so lame: Archery skills were long ago left in the dust by more advanced weaponslike, oh, say, clubs. 10. SUPERMAN Secret identity: Clark Kent Origin: Kal-El, an orphan from the planet Krypton, was adopted by farmers the Kents. Power: He can fly, and he possesses superstrength, invulnerability, X-ray vision, heat vision, freezing breathand two clanking balls of steel. Why so lame: Hes a cornfed, holier-than-thou Boy Scout with a lame disguise. Cmon! 9. CAPTAIN PLANET Secret identity: Sting (um, we think) Origin: Summoned when five multiethnic kids combined the power of their rings, Captain Planet helps thwart ecovillains. Power: He can fly, and he sports a green mullet; weaknesses include littering, toxic waste. Can never enter New Jersey. Why so lame: Hes Greenpeaces own Superman! 8. APACHE CHIEF Secret identity: Token Native American Origin: Apache Chief was given his superabilities by his tribes medicine man. Power: By saying a magic word, Apache Chief can grow 50 feet tallbut as his costumes a loincloth, the view aint pretty. Why so lame: Seems like more of a Mohegan Sun attraction than a superhero. 7. DR. HENRY PYM Secret identity: Lessee, theres Yellowjacket, Ant-Man, Goliath Origin: After thugs murdered his wife, Pym assumed a number of different superhero identities, all pathetic. Power: Can become big or little. Has Napoleon and reverse-Napoleon complexes. Why so lame: One awful identity is bad enough, but Pym has struck out four different times. 6. BANSHEE Secret identity: Sean Cassidy Origin: An Irish member of Interpol, Banshee actually got his start as a bad guy before Professor X sought him out to join the X-Men. Been fighting the good fight, downing Guinness, and pestering N Sync with his rsum ever since. Power: His scream can shatter and destroy things, and he can fly. Banshee does not, however, have the gift of the blarney. Why so lame: What? You mean besides the fact that hes known to villains as Shrieks-Like-a-Girl Man? Couldnt they come up with something better? Shillelagh Man wouldve been 10 times cooler. 5. DAZZLER Secret identity: Alison Blaire Origin: Using her hush-hush abilities, Dazzler became a famous disco singer, but the mirrored ball stopped turning when a boyfriend persuaded her to reveal to the world that she was a despised mutant. Typical. Power: She can convert sound into brilliant displays of light and color. Ooh! Aah! Why so lame: OK, youre a hardened crook, and whats that in the distance? A shining chick in a silver jumpsuit on roller skates zooming to irritate your corneas! Dazzler should have gone down with the disco ship. Fun fact: Is the only hero ever to have been spotted at Studio 54. 4. MATTER-EATER LAD Secret identity: Tenzil Kem Origin: Matter-Eater Lad was born on the toxic planet Bismoll (no word on its companion star Pepto), where the locals evolved superguts that enabled them to eat any substanceeven British food. Was allowed to join the Legion of Super-Heroes, who will apparently take just about anybody. Power: Can consume any matteranimal, vegetable, or mineral. Is a big hit with the ladies. Why so lame: Lets say Matter-Eater Lad was trapped in a steel-reinforced concrete vault. He could eat his way out of it. But those bowel movements 3. DOCTOR STRANGE Secret identity: Stephen Strange Origin: After a car accident impaired his abilities as a surgeon, Stephen Strange moved to N.Y.C.s fabulous West Village, hired an Asian manservant, and became asorcerer. Power: He wears the fashionable Eye of Agamotto necklace that can do all sorts of plot-convenient things, like open up dimensional gateways. Also has a Swedish-porn-star mustache. Why so lame: Dr. Strange is Dr. Ka-ray-zee! Looks like hed be comfortable in a kimono, sipping a martini before asking you to play strip Jenga with the rest of the hepcat swingers. 2. AQUAMAN Secret identity: Arthur Curry Origin: Aquaman was born to a mixed marriage: His father was an average Joe, and his mother was the deposed queen of an advanced underwater civilization. Devoted himself to crime fighting to avenge the death of his childhood sea monkeys or some shiat. Currently playing comic relief for a number of different supergroups. Power: He can breathe underwater, swim fast, and, best of all, communicate with fish. Plus, his fingers never, ever get wrinkly. Why so lame: Im trapped infriggingtuna net again. Swordfish! Hear and obey! Stop laughing and cut me loose! 1. ROBIN Status: Sidekick Secret identity: Dick Grayson Origin: Dick watched helplessly as his circus acrobat parents got whacked by some Gotham City gangsters. (Hey, we just figured out why!) Adopted by Bruce Wayne/Batman and vowing revenge, he became the fearsome, um, Boy Wonder. Evilsnickerbetter beware! Power: He can swing from ropes, ride shotgun, tidy up the living room, and peek out from behind Batmans cape. Why so lame: Robin isnt just lamehes hands-down the most embarrassing, useless, and completely ridiculous superhero ever. No powers, a femmy nickname, a figure-skater costume, and no actual responsibilities of his own. Why he wasnt super-wedgied a long time ago is beyond us. Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Guest WrestlingDeacon Report post Posted May 25, 2003 Lord there is so much wrong with that list and so many much more lame super heros. All the errors proved they did little research and I really didn't find the jokes they went for to be that funny. Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Guest Nevermortal Report post Posted May 25, 2003 Bah. I'd put Captain Planet at the top of that list. He used his super powers to save the environment. Hippie. Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Guest The Bad Guy Report post Posted May 25, 2003 Where the hell is Supergirl and Superboy? Unless these were all generated from a horrible nightmare I remember both getting their own comic books that were absolutely horrible. Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Guest Steviekick Report post Posted May 25, 2003 I thought it wasn't that entertaining of a list. They do deserve props for bringing up Matter Eating Lad though, so I guess that brings up their score a little. Booster Gold is deservent of being on this list, as well as many of the now forgotten 1980s DC characters. Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Guest Big McLargeHuge Report post Posted May 25, 2003 Maxim is full of a bunch of complete idiots. That is all. Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Guest Flyboy Report post Posted May 25, 2003 I use to mark for Captain Planet, actually. Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Guest AlwaysPissedOff Report post Posted May 25, 2003 Wow... that list is fucked up... Dr. Strange? Silver Surfer? Flash? THOR? Couldn't they have picked one of the lamer Robins instead of Grayson? Come the fuck on now... Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Guest Flyboy Report post Posted May 25, 2003 Silver Surfer is lame. LAME, LAME, LAME. Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Guest WrestlingDeacon Report post Posted May 25, 2003 Ok, Silver Surfer is lame, but Dr. Strange is pimp. They even make him sound pimp. And they talk about Grayson like he was still Robin. They want a lame Robin, go with Jason Todd. Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Guest KingOfOldSchool Report post Posted May 25, 2003 It seems like with the DC selections, the only "research" they did was watch Superfriends. And Maxim pretty well sucks anyhow. Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Patty O'Green 0 Report post Posted May 25, 2003 I'm absolutely heartbroken that they included Dazzler on the list and insulted roller skates at the same time! Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Guest Mattdotcom Report post Posted May 25, 2003 24. DAREDEVIL Secret identity: Matt Murdock Origin: Blinded by radioactive waste, Murdock swore to fight crime after goons murdered his boxer dad. Is also a lawyer. Power: He has batlike radar sense that makes up for his lack of seeingnesssort of. Why so lame: Hes. A. Blind. Superhero. Whats next? Quadriplegic Stone Deaf Man? I hope Maxim doesn't have a braille edition. Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Guest Vyce Report post Posted May 26, 2003 Maxim should stick to what they're good at: showing pics of hot, half-naked celebrity chicks. Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Guest SP-1 Report post Posted May 26, 2003 You know, I've been trying to cut back on these but: Fuck Maxim. Daredevil rules their pathetic world and Green Lantern is the badass sherriff that keeps those bitches in line. Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Guest SP-1 Report post Posted May 26, 2003 I also like how they ignore the fact that Grayson went on to be fairly unfuckwithable as Nightwing. Dumbasses. Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Guest Mattdotcom Report post Posted May 26, 2003 Whoa, SpiderPoet's sig is cool. Is that an Alex Ross design for the movie Spidey? It matches the criteria at least. Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
River City Rocker 0 Report post Posted May 26, 2003 Man! Maxim would make a superhero article that lame! I still mark for Blue Beetle, myself. And I would have personally picked Jason Todd as Robin for number one. At least it would have showed that someone bothered to do a bit of research and actually knew about the 900 numbers that DC Comics set up asking fans to vote on whether they kill Jason Todd off. -Ben Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Guest SP-1 Report post Posted May 26, 2003 Yeah that's Ross. Bless him, he defines "Awesome" and then blows it away. RCR, I don't think Maxim cares. They just needed page space to mock geeks so the cool guys that are supposed to read their magazine can feel good and relive their highschool days while on break from burger flipping at McDonald's. Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Guest starvenger Report post Posted May 27, 2003 RCR, I don't think Maxim cares. They just needed page space to mock geeks so the cool guys that are supposed to read their magazine can feel good and relive their highschool days while on break from burger flipping at McDonald's. It's pretty much a given that Maxim doesn't really care. Near as I can tell, the list was done so that the writers could fire off (allegedly) witty remarks. You want a fanboy's "30 lamest"? Go pick up Ass Kisser...er Wizard Magazine. I'm sure that Nightcat, NFL SuperPro, Marvin and Wendy would be on that list... Maxim should stick to what they're good at: showing pics of hot, half-naked celebrity chicks. Which reminds me - Shania Twain's the cover girl (and featured spread) this month... Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Guest WrestlingDeacon Report post Posted May 27, 2003 I actually own the first issue of NFL Super Pro. Spider-Man shows up and is like "Dude, you are so badass I bow to your awesomeness" then leaves. I'm paraphrasing of course. Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Guest EdwardKnoxII Report post Posted May 27, 2003 I actually own the first issue of NFL Super Pro. Spider-Man shows up and is like "Dude, you are so badass I bow to your awesomeness" then leaves. I'm paraphrasing of course. That doesn't shock me. It seems that during the 90s when Marvel would push out sorry new superhero book after sorry new superhero book it seem that Spider-Man was required to do a guest spot within the first few issues of the book. Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Guest starvenger Report post Posted May 27, 2003 I actually own the first issue of NFL Super Pro. Spider-Man shows up and is like "Dude, you are so badass I bow to your awesomeness" then leaves. I'm paraphrasing of course. That doesn't shock me. It seems that during the 90s when Marvel would push out sorry new superhero book after sorry new superhero book it seem that Spider-Man was required to do a guest spot within the first few issues of the book. New Warriors (one of those 90's superhero books) ruled and you all know it. Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Guest brokentusk16 Report post Posted May 27, 2003 Doc Strange? Green Lantern?! Daredevil?!? GREEN ARROW?!?!?!? BLASPHEMERS!!!!!!! Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
River City Rocker 0 Report post Posted May 28, 2003 I actually own the first issue of NFL Super Pro. Spider-Man shows up and is like "Dude, you are so badass I bow to your awesomeness" then leaves. I'm paraphrasing of course. That doesn't shock me. It seems that during the 90s when Marvel would push out sorry new superhero book after sorry new superhero book it seem that Spider-Man was required to do a guest spot within the first few issues of the book. Heh...remember Spider-Man's guest appearance in the Ren & Stimpy comic? He battled Powdered Toast Man! -Ben Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Guest JMA Report post Posted June 2, 2003 Who the hell writes this stuff? Oh well, it's what I'd expect from a bunch of mainstream whores. Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Guest Grand Slam Report post Posted June 3, 2003 I also remember Spidey making a guest appearance in the Transformers book. Yikes... Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
tekcop 0 Report post Posted June 18, 2003 I flipped through an issues of "Premire?(?)" at the video store the other day. They had a 1/4th-of-a-page joke list of crappy super heroes who should get their own movies--complete with actor/actress suggestions. I rememer Dazzler, Night Nurse, and some stupid truck driver hick with a bull's head like Chuck E. Cheese or the cartoon characters at Disney World. There were a couple more, but they've slipped my mind. Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Guest starvenger Report post Posted June 18, 2003 I flipped through an issues of "Premire?(?)" at the video store the other day. They had a 1/4th-of-a-page joke list of crappy super heroes who should get their own movies--complete with actor/actress suggestions. I rememer Dazzler, Night Nurse, and some stupid truck driver hick with a bull's head like Chuck E. Cheese or the cartoon characters at Disney World. There were a couple more, but they've slipped my mind. It's funny now, but if disco was just emerging right now Dazzler would have already been optioned and someone like Heather Graham signed to star in it... Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Guest Goodear Report post Posted June 18, 2003 Dr. Strange is lamer than the lamest lame that ever lamed. I get how he becomes a soceror supreme and all that but its still no reason for him to talk like some kind of retard. The guy was clearly an adult when he first got all magiced up, why the devil does he say crap like "By the hoary hoast of Hoggrath"? The dialogue he spouts sucks and he hasn't been in a good story in forever. Why? Cause he's LAME. In second place, every New God not named Orion or Darkseid. Their version of "death" wears SKIS!!! SKIING DEATH~! Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
