your WWE SMACKDOWN WORKRATE REPORT- 6/5/2003!

[Guest DEAN RASMUSSEN]

I went out to eat with my wife and kids and didn`t get home until a half hour in, so.... what did I miss? This will be slightly truncated...

 

WHAT WORKED-

 

- AWWWWWWW HONEY HUSH! Eddy`s lowrider fucking ruled. Hey, it`s theBasham Brothers. Tajiri uses all his Fantastik training to be more Lucha than the actual Luchadore Royalty in his corner. Eddy comes in and says, ``Welcome to Japan, motherfucker`` by being more Strong Style than the actual citizen of Japan in his corner. I think that`s the allure of this tag. Good God, the Basham`s are the most boring tagteam I`ve seen in a while- they don`t suck or anything but they are boring as Billy Kidman reading a farm report. What they need is to become the New Age Cruel Connection because they do take an ass-beating really well- always being in the right place to lean into a kick to the head. It`s just that they would look better leaning into being kicked in the head if they had full length lime green bodysuits and masks. Plus those capes were just completely motherfucking bad ass and you know they were, motherfucker.

 

- THE SECRET ADVENTURES OF AL WILSON:

Skandar revved the engine as they pulled up to the canteen. ``Mr Crowley`` by Ozzy Osbourne and the Blizzard of Oz blaired out of Skandar`s Alpine speakers with powerbooster. ``WOOOOOOOOOOO! YEAH!`` Skandar stuck his head through the sunroof and air guitared while the Baron tried to find a place to hide. ``Skandar, you idiot. You are blowing mein cool.``

 

``Suck it, Raschke, this part fucking rules! Miiiister Crowley- DUN DUN DUN- did you talk to the de-hed!``

 

Jennifer came out of the back of the snackbar and smiled. The last rays of sunlight of the day backlit her hair and the Baron was frozen in time. ``She is an angel......``

 

She smirked at the Baron. ``Tell your friend to turn that shit down.`` Skandar turned down the volume before the Baron could even glare at him. ``Yo, Jenn. German boy wanted me to drive up here and get him some homefries so be easy on a workin man, sweet mama. I`m gonna hook up with Jimmy and Bill playing volleyball with them honies over there. Come get me when you want to roll outta here, my brotha. ``

 

``Thank you, Skandar. I von`t be too long.``

 

Skandar walks down by the lake a hundred yards where they had created a sandpit for volleyball. ``Hey my brothahs, llaaadies! The man of the HOUR is HERE!``

 

The Baron is nervous and he keeps darting his eyes around. ``How have you been, beautiful Jennifer? I hope zat it is okay if I popped in like zis. I do not zant to scare you vith mein puppydog crush.`` They both laugh and push each other around like the young in love will do.

 

``Oh come on. I been thinking about you all day. Hey, can you do something for me?``

 

``Yes, anyzing for you, mein petite chou....``

 

``Cool. I got this pickle jar I can`t open.``

 

``Oh, definately give it here. Zis should not be a problem...``

 

The Baron uses his giant hands and tremendous grip to open the pickle jar with uncanny ease. Jennifer notices Baron`s bicept contract and her breath is shortened as she tries to quell her first flush of real womanly lust.

 

``Wow, Baron. You are so strong! Look, shug, I gotta get back to work. Stop by anytime.`` Jennifer pecks Baron on the cheek and the Baron is lost with tailspin of uncontrollable crushing affection.

 

``I vill see you soon. Will tomorrow be okay?``

 

``Sure.`` and Jennifer disappears into the canteen and the Baron looks to find Skandar. He ambles to the lake in a daze, not caring if he ever gets home- the waking hours becoming more enchanting than his sweet dreams of love.

 

- Rey Rey and Matt MOTHERFUCKING Hardy have a match and I`m stoked. Rey Rey has wads of kids like I do. The MFers are with Matt and Rey is alone. They try to cheat early and I can only asume that Eddy and Tajiri will come out and help Rey and set up a 6 man feud that would heal the wounds that three months of shitty Smackdowns have inflicted. EnLieu, the ref sends the MFers to the back and Rey hits a leg first Plancha and we go to a commercial. Matt cheats like a motherfucker when we get back and - hell, Rey has two kids already, he can take a few shots to his junk to slow him down some and let a sistah get some sleep. Matt is great as a Southern heel in this, working on the leg of Rey after kicking him in the wedding tackle to get on offense. Rey is quite Steamboatian taking the Matt MOTHERFUCKING Hardy assbeating. Rey makes some really hot comebacks and Matt is fucking fabulous cutting him off after selling the offense like a king- the Side Effect off the top being the REALLY beautiful way to cut off Rey`s comeback. Rey comes back again and then the selling of the knee doesn`t allow him to finish off Matt after hitting the 619 and I LOVE this match. The MFers sneak in and Matt hits a Guillotine and Rey kicks out at two and rolls up Matt for the flash pin. Postmatch, Rey sells the knee and you are in love. (His son Dominic? Is he named after Nicho Millionaro?)

 

WHAT DIDN`T WORK-

 

- Angle playing up to the fat stupid beerbelly jackoffs in the crowd isn`t what MY Olympic hero would do. My Olympic hero made fun of the Packers in the ring in Green Bay. OH COOL! The Big Show THeme! OOOOOOOO You`ll NEVER SEE IT COMIN` BUT I GUARANTEE YOU YOU`LL KNOOOOOOOW! YES IT`S THE BIG SHOW! Oh then he talks. Angle the face? BAH! Angle vs the Big Show? Goddamn, does Smackdown hate me? Does it hate you? Big Show in every main event isn`t any fun. Angle the face isn`t any fun- especially when de-heating the match with Brock. What`s this mutual admiration shit? Are they gonna get married. Are they gonna hold hands as they skip down the sidewalk to sunday school? Fuck that shit. I like a lot of alcohol in my beer, I want fucking in my pornography and I want a lot of hate in my wrestling.

 

- Cena and Benoit starts off all fun. If they were smart, they would have Benoit and Cena wrestle every night for a year and have Benoit beat him into a superworker. Benoit is fucking great and I dug the DDT variation but then they punk out on the match and they have a cheap shitty ending and this sucked.

 

- Turdwellian is baffled. ``Torries clothes don`t make sense to me. Is that what legwarmers evolved into? TELL ME, Mister Poo....``

 

``I believe she is some kind of stripper. That would be the only logical reason for the the fact that the sensors are spiking on the silicon reading.``

 

``Does that mean that we should reverse our trajectory and inflate the Giant Polska Keilbasa Of Rikishi and set phasers for ``splurt``?``

 

``Who should we aim for, captain? There seems to a high reading of silicon across the ring. She is touching Rikishi more and... and.... CAPTAIN! CAPTAIN! HIS HUGE POLYNESIAN PENIS! WE CAN`T CONTROL IT!``

 

``We`re losing fluid! Keilbasa inflating! Quick spin the ship around! We`ll use Rikishi`s Giant Ass and only humilate the half dressed harlot- as opposed to feigning sexual assault and allowing 345 pound Skrewdriver-listening Aryan Nation sexual predators watching at home to blow festering cheetos-scented semen out of their quarter inch penises.``

 

``Okay Captain, I will go to the end of the world for you. But don`t ever talk to me about the smell of fat people`s semen....``

 

``Sorry, Mister Poo.``

 

- It looks like Sable and Stephanie are gonna start fucking each other and one can only conjecture that the vaginal comingled discharge will burn through four stories of the building they are in like when they tried to cut the alien off John Hurt`s face. It`ll make for really bad television but it will be a boon for science.

 

THERE YOU HAVE IT.

 

DEAN RASMUSSEN.

[Guest Jobber of the Week]

First reply in a DEAN thread? =b

 

No really, enjoyed it. Thanks.

[Guest Anglesault]

Goddamn, does Smackdown hate me? Does it hate you?

Yes.

[Guest DEAN RASMUSSEN]

But WHY does it hate us? What did we ever do to deserve this Big Show push?

 

(And thank you, JotW. I do it all for youse.)

 

DEAN.

[Guest Anglesault]

Well, Vince has some specific hatred of me, so he books everything to annoy me. It just happens to indirectly cause a Big Show push.

[Guest Jobber of the Week]

(And thank you, JotW. I do it all for youse.)

 

DEAN.

When you're done, can you compile the entire Secret Adventures of Al Wilson series into one online novel?

[Guest DEAN RASMUSSEN]

Well, Vince has some specific hatred of me, so he books everything to annoy me. It just happens to indirectly cause a Big Show push.

Good enough. At least I have closure on this now.

 

DEAN.

[Guest DEAN RASMUSSEN]

(And thank you, JotW.  I do it all for youse.)

 

DEAN.

When you're done, can you compile the entire Secret Adventures of Al Wilson series into one online novel?

I would have to go through it and make it all one tense. And I don't ever see it ending.

 

DEAN.

[Guest Bannable Offense]

But WHY does it hate us?  What did we ever do to deserve this Big Show push?

Maybe somebody thinks we love him because you use his theme's lyrics in your report. But then Al Wilson hasn't been seen since dying, so that conspiracy theory has a gaping WWE-sized hole in its logic. Then again, that logic hole probably means it's the correct reason for the Big Show push since it is the WWE we're talking about here.

 

See what happens if you chant "AN-GLE" when Kurt comes onto the scene. Maybe we can conduct a scientific experiment to see if your writing affects the WWE psyche in some way.

[Guest Heavy As Hell]

Fuck that shit. I like a lot of alcohol in my beer, I want fucking in my pornography and I want a lot of hate in my wrestling.

 

Into the sig it goes.

 

Good stuff as usual.

[Guest AndrewTS]

AWWWWWWW HONEY HUSH! Eddy`s lowrider fucking ruled.

 

Damn straight.

 

Hey, it`s theBasham Brothers. Tajiri uses all his Fantastik training to be more Lucha than the actual Luchadore Royalty in his corner. Eddy comes in and says, ``Welcome to Japan, motherfucker`` by being more Strong Style than the actual citizen of Japan in his corner.

 

A thing of beauty, ain't it? I weep for Chavito Heat, missing out on all this fun, and likely not being able to do much when he comes back. A heel Chavo would be great if he could develop a character of his own, though.

 

Tajiri/Eddy are one of the few reasons I care about SD anymore.

 

I think that`s the allure of this tag. Good God, the Basham`s are the most boring tagteam I`ve seen in a while- they don`t suck or anything but they are boring as Billy Kidman reading a farm report.

 

Oh come on, they aren't THAT bad.

 

What they need is to become the New Age Cruel Connection because they do take an ass-beating really well- always being in the right place to lean into a kick to the head. It`s just that they would look better leaning into being kicked in the head if they had full length lime green bodysuits and masks. Plus those capes were just completely motherfucking bad ass and you know they were, motherfucker.

 

Okay, I am COMPLETELY and totally clueless about this--fill me in, Dean-o, please, if you weeeeeell.

[Guest DEAN RASMUSSEN]

What they need is to become the New Age Cruel Connection because they do take an ass-beating really well- always being in the right place to lean into a kick to the head. It`s just that they would look better leaning into being kicked in the head if they had full length lime green bodysuits and masks. Plus those capes were just completely motherfucking bad ass and you know they were, motherfucker.

 

Okay, I am COMPLETELY and totally clueless about this--fill me in, Dean-o, please, if you weeeeeell.

DR: I forget that y'all aren't decrepit old poots like me. I remember the Cruel Connection.

[Guest Mindless_Aggression]

I would like to thank you for the mental image of Rikishi's swelling cock.

 

Indeed, Jesus wept on this day.

[Guest AndrewTS]

So, kinda like Los Conquistadores--body-suit clad jobbers? However, I'm assuming these ones were especially noted for selling like motherfuckers and making pieces of shit look good?

[Bored 0]

Hmmm I'm guessing Dean wrote this week's of edition of the Secret Adventures of Al Wilson during the Taker/Palumbo match since there are no comments on Chuck's punches or his ass this week.

[Guest DEAN RASMUSSEN]

Hmmm I'm guessing Dean wrote this week's of edition of the Secret Adventures of Al Wilson during the Taker/Palumbo match since there are no comments on Chuck's punches or his ass this week.

I missed the first half hour. I was eating Szechaun beef and trying to keep my 11 month old from throwing fried rice on the restaurant floor. What did I miss?

 

DEAN.

[Guest DEAN RASMUSSEN]

So, kinda like Los Conquistadores--body-suit clad jobbers? However, I'm assuming these ones were especially noted for selling like motherfuckers and making pieces of shit look good?

Actually, they were just really great looking. They weren't the Fantastics or anything.

 

DEAN.

[Guest DEAN RASMUSSEN]

I would like to thank you for the mental image of Rikishi's swelling cock.

 

Indeed, Jesus wept on this day.

Any mixed tag match HAS to have a deep dark sexual underside or why else would you have a mixed tag match. It wasn't for the wrestling.

 

DEAN.

[Guest RavishingRickRudo]

Taker was trowin the soup bones and Chuck was cuttin with his punches like a fucking knife... it was quite the sight.

[Bored 0]

Hmmm I'm guessing Dean wrote this week's of edition of the Secret Adventures of Al Wilson during the Taker/Palumbo match since there are no comments on Chuck's punches or his ass this week.

I missed the first half hour. I was eating Szechaun beef and trying to keep my 11 month old from throwing fried rice on the restaurant floor. What did I miss?

 

DEAN.

Besides that match you missed the weekly Mr. American segment with Vince putting himself in an arm wrestling match next week against Zach Gowen for Zach to earn a contract. So essentially you tuned in just in time...but unfortunently you'll have to watch to arm wrestling next week! D'oh, better be drunk.

[Guest DEAN RASMUSSEN]

Besides that match you missed the weekly Mr. American segment with Vince putting himself in an arm wrestling match next week against Zach Gowen for Zach to earn a contract. So essentially you tuned in just in time...but unfortunently you'll have to watch to arm wrestling next week! D'oh, better be drunk.

 

DR: I can be drunk.

 

DEAN.

[Conspiracy_Victim 0]

Ok DEAN when do Skandar and Baron tag team Jennifer then dump her? Then she can become a bitter and angry shell of a pretty young thing filled with hatred of all mankind but a strange forbidden longing for the tender pleasures of Baron's Aryan sexual prowess.

 

This dichotomy of hatred and lust causes her to split into two distinct beings, the pretty young girl full of sexual energy and the bitter older woman empty of all but bile and vitriol. When they come into contact with each other, WHORULON~! is born.

 

Just a thought. I don't even remember if WHORULON~! is involved with the storyline of Al the Man or if her origins were ever really explained, but it's just an interesting possibility I thought.

 

Finally, the image of Rikishi's man meat achieving fully erect status is something I can live without. Thanks for the effort though.

 

Edit: Paragraph about Rikishi's woody got stuck in the middle of my WHORULON~! scenario somehow.

Edited June 6, 2003 by Conspiracy_Victim

[Guest RavishingRickRudo]

I'm thinkin Skandar gets Jenny nice and drunk and does her in the backseat of his car - Baron shows up and sees this and gets enraged and becomes the evil villain that he is today (and maybe kills them both)

[B. Brian Brunzell 0]

How horrible was the Piper's Pit tonight? I mean, Jesus. Although, the cruelness in me had shone through when Vince and Piper did the old "you get behind 'em and I'll push him over you" trick to Z. See, it's funny because he only has one leg.

 

The ME ruled though. gotta love Rey selling the leg like a champ and still finding a way to win.

[Guest Smell the ratings!!!]

someday I'm going to compile all DEAN's semen descriptions into a novel.

 

This week: Festering Cheetos. Unfortunatly, no mention of what was jizzed on.

[Guest Mattdotcom]

I laughed when Vince shoved Gowan and Piper was behind him on hands and knees.

 

Mean people don't suck. The rest of Piper's Pit did. Guess why.

[Guest Ray]

So am I the only one who thinks the ME wasn't all that special?

[Guest Nater]

You know, Chuck's got the greatest swing and connect ever. To top the set with a discus, it simply says: Sassy~

[Guest Goodear]

Would you believe Dean, that you and I were both late getting to the show and came in at the exact same moment? COINCEDINCE???? Yeah probably.

 

Good God, the Basham`s are the most boring tagteam I`ve seen in a while- they don`t suck or anything but they are boring as Billy Kidman reading a farm report.

 

You not getting to be subjected to RAW has freed you from having to see La Resistance ever work a match. They're just like the Bashams except without the bumping or the 'not sucking'. But yeah, Danny and Doug show you nothing. Makes you wonder what Jim is teaching these kids in OVW that they show up in the bigs with no offense. Eddie and Tajiri show you much though... what a belly-to-back suplex! What a kick series! What a squash! WWF Superstars here we come!

 

- Rey Rey and Matt MOTHERFUCKING Hardy have a match and I`m stoked.

 

Rey sold like a champ in this, showing all those people named Rob Van Dam how you can still be an arial wrestler and still sell the damn knee. Only issue I had was that Rey spaced his comebacks a little too close together so there wasn't a good long period of ass beating from Matt. But they still good job doing what they do althought I might have played off of Mania's finish and throw in the powerbomb rope grab to have Rey kick out of it this time. But I ask too much.

 

- Angle playing up to the fat stupid beerbelly jackoffs in the crowd isn`t what MY Olympic hero would do.

 

Yeah! Play to the smart beerbelly jackoffs sitting at home! I want Angle as a heel because with him all things are possible, like getting Show far fucking away from the main event. I tell you Dean, if there is one thing wrong with the state of wrestling its that no one hates anyone anymore. Maybe they get annoyed with each other or something, but no one wants to just fucking kill anyone anymore. Makes me sad.

 

- Cena and Benoit starts off all fun.

 

I think I was watching Iron Chef: Bell Peppers and missed it. How can a cooking show be more interesting to me than a Benoit match? I'm lost Dean... so terribly lost.

 

There it be.

[Guest Spaceman Spiff]

But yeah, Danny and Doug show you nothing. Makes you wonder what Jim is teaching these kids in OVW that they show up in the bigs with no offense

Can't speak for Danny, but Doug's got some offense, as evidenced by his couple of Velocity matches. He'd be much better off in singles competition.