I need The Smarks Opinion

[Guest JAxlMorrison]

Long story short, I have been writing on and off since I was 12 years old. I am 21 now, and have tried out for a few bands. I was sucessful in joining one, but didn't exactly get along with the guys who had been lifelong friends. I kind of felt like an intruder. The other band, they had a pretty big tryout, 30 guys or so, and I got down to the final two, but the other guy just had a much better voice and range then me. Anyways, I am going to post a couple songs, I just wanted to know what you guys think.

 

 

 

 

When You

 

 

 

When you grow up in a sewage tank

You're gonna come out smelling like shit

Growing immune to the poisons you drank

Start playing games that you know you'll quit

 

And when you head out to the crossroads

Of your past, present, future and destiny

Where the unanswered questions and doubt floats

Can you ever tell me what your answer will be

 

When you learn about life from fools

Your decisions will turn out foolish

When intelligence suffers from schools

Then their whole system is bullshit

 

And when you are raised on morals from TV

Why would you respect your parents

No happy endings, life is not a movie

Although these are the messages sent

 

And when all their rules do not make sense

The only solution is to rebel

Look around, question, don't be so dense

Shit, it's only your soul you will sell

 

And when others begin to look stupid

Shit, you're probably right

You got your own mind, baby don't lose it

Go out and make you legend tonight

 

And when you begin to learn all the answers

Like I have, ,I'll be there with a smile

Cause for years, frustration was my cancer

I don't know shit, I'm still in denial

 

But when you find that place you want to be

Reach for the stars, no matter the cost

Without bounds or limits, live your fantasy

Cause it's better to burn out then to be lost

[Guest JAxlMorrison]

Do You Like It?

 

I'm just here to ask a few questions

And learn for myself a simple lesson

So sit back, relax, puff away on that blunt

I'm a little bit pissed, so prepare for the brunt

Planes crash down our symbols of freedom

Did you ask yourself what the hell have we done?

Cops, firemen with families burn, it's a little rotten

Our desensitized asses have already forgotten

So tell me, do you like it?

 

Now, onto the old assholes

 

Schools have warped kids minds to the point of homocide

Force feeding them bullshit, it's their brains you have fried

Giving up their lives and taking others with them

Just for a couple of days in a newspaper column

Hey Mom and Dad USA, why do your 16 year olds give in?

Instead of at home, they wanna be fucked up, dead or in prison

So tell me, do you like it?

 

Now for years, political lies have held many in frustration

Yet you keep electing figureheads to your corporation

Many people cry for change, it'll never be

America will never learn from the mistakes of history

So the terrorists want us dead, they've picked out a plot

And until we give a shit, we all continue to rot

And tell me, do you like it?

 

Now, back to the young assholes

 

So as your nation collapsed, you continued to lag

I saw you, you fuck, on the way to your next bag

You don't get life, come and read my directions

And start respecting women, goddamn walking erections

And like your dick, your life usually comes up limp

But it don't matter, right, in your eyes, you're a pimp

And tell me, do you like it?

[Guest JAxlMorrison]

Untitled (For Nikki #2)

 

It may have been in bits and pieces

But I tried to give you the best of me

I know I come with folds and creases

And I am mostly my own enemy

 

Your storms will always cloud up my sunshine

Regrets? Well, I wish you had known me

I'm a drinker, yeah, you'll always be my favorite wine

So why is it in your bed I feel the most lonely?

 

Nailed in my head are quotes about the wisdom of excess

This person I've invented is my only roadblock to success

Shit, if I had a mountain of coke in front of me, I'd do it

Am I wrong to see no reason to put you through it?

 

I recognize my problems, I don't want them to be yours

My best moments are when love for you seeps out of my pores

I'm an alleycat, incapable of being the type of man you need

Thoughts of this, wasted talent cause me to make myself bleed

 

You have needs, wants, I refuse to fulfill

The thing that hurts me most is that I love you still

Until the day comes that I finally find peace and rest

I hope you'll come to realize I only wish you the best

[rising up out of the back seat-nuh 0]

That isn't song writing. Its poetry.

[Guest snuffbox]

They can be songs Chave, you ever listen to the Doors or Bob Dylan, not everything is verse-verse-chorus-verse-chorus-bridge-chorus.

 

Anyway, these are very strong poems/lyrics as they are, but they will definitly pose a problem in constructing a good melody out of them.

 

Is the last line of the first song an homage to Neil Young or a ripoff?

[Guest The Amazing Rando]

hey now....don't make me start posting all my written lyrics....

 

 

it is "lyrical poetry" by the way

[Guest JAxlMorrison]

That isn't song writing. Its poetry.

Then how is it as poetry, lol. Nah I do consider them lyrics.

 

A far as the Neil Young thing, I wasn't aware of a connection. I was actually paying homage to Cobain I guess. I'm not a huge fan of his or anything, but that line in his suicide note "It's better to burn out then to fade away" always affected me a little. I guess that last line was my little spin on it.

[rising up out of the back seat-nuh 0]

Songs are based up of music to at least some degree. You cant evaluate the guys song writing skills without the tune to go with it. I'm not saying that they're not lyrics, but written down they're just poetry. Nothing wrong with that though. And the second song is the most lyrically promising. The words have got natural rhythm to some degree.

 

Have you ever recorded any of your own stuff dude? If you've got a voice, get it on cd!

[Guest snuffbox]

A far as the Neil Young thing, I wasn't aware of a connection. I was actually paying homage to Cobain I guess. I'm not a huge fan of  his or anything, but that line in his suicide note "It's better to burn out then to fade away" always affected me a little. I guess that last line was my little spin on it.

'Its better to burn out than to fade away' was a line from a Neil Young song, 'My My Hey Hey'. Cobain included it in his suicide note as he was a big fan of Young as were most grunge artists. Neil Young was nicknamed the Godfather of Grunge.

[rising up out of the back seat-nuh 0]

A far as the Neil Young thing, I wasn't aware of a connection. I was actually paying homage to Cobain I guess. I'm not a huge fan of  his or anything, but that line in his suicide note "It's better to burn out then to fade away" always affected me a little. I guess that last line was my little spin on it.

'Its better to burn out than to fade away' was a line from a Neil Young song, 'My My Hey Hey'. Cobain included it in his suicide note as he was a big fan of Young as were most grunge artists. Neil Young was nicknamed the Godfather of Grunge.

It's also a line in Highlander, the original movie.

[Guest INXS]

IMO, Lyrics and vocals should be an extension of instrumentation.

 

i.e., it's hard to tell how good lyrics are without the music to match.

[Guest subliminal_animal]

A far as the Neil Young thing, I wasn't aware of a connection. I was actually paying homage to Cobain I guess. I'm not a huge fan of  his or anything, but that line in his suicide note "It's better to burn out then to fade away" always affected me a little. I guess that last line was my little spin on it.

'Its better to burn out than to fade away' was a line from a Neil Young song, 'My My Hey Hey'. Cobain included it in his suicide note as he was a big fan of Young as were most grunge artists. Neil Young was nicknamed the Godfather of Grunge.

It's also a line in Highlander, the original movie.

That just sounds so awful.

 

Is the last line of the first song an homage to Neil Young or a ripoff?

Like he'd admit if he meant to rip him off.

 

i.e., it's hard to tell how good lyrics are without the music to match.

Is this some kind of veiled reference to the MusicMatch Jukebox? Because it's not working over here, you giant jerk.

[Guest JAxlMorrison]

Freedom Man

 

I hear all the things that you can not say

I know I'm on your mind when you greet the day

I sense all of the little things that you fear

I can feel your contentment when I am near

 

Everything about me is inside of you

You've breathed me in and you can't exhale

I read the thoughts that you hide in you

I'm holding the key and you're in my jail

 

I'm the freedom man, so hold on tight

You sense the death lurking every night

You swim in my black cloud, no way out

It's safer to jump off, find a new route

 

I hope no girl ever sees me as an answer

Cause I eat away at insides worse then a cancer

So know that needing my presence in your bed

Is like inviting evil spirits into your head

 

And you just ain't ready for the lifestyle I bring

Cause actually thinking today just ain't the "phat thang"

(FUCK YOU WIGGER THUG PUSSIES)

So show me one of them little boys out there who can hold my stare

So read my mind, I don't care, come see the bad intentions there

 

Cause I'm the freedom man, a modern lord

Wishing that open minds were not ignored

Ready to join up, fuckin die by the sword

I've got the medicine, soon you'll all be cured

[Guest JAxlMorrison]

(I won an award for this one)

 

Lost Angel

 

 

You know it's for you I will always sing

My lost angel with the broken wing

I must apologize for playing this part

I never intended to cause that scar on your heart

I learned to protect myself with this ridiculous act

I wish we had met before it was too late to turn back

 

You know it's your fantasy I'll one day bring

My lost angel with the broken wing

Your rock n roll prince in your fairy tale

A young love, danger, excitement, never grow stale

I want for you the things everyone else pretends to

It seems these days you're broken, one day I'll mend you

 

You know it's for you I would do anything

My lost angel with the broken wing

So strong in public, so vulnerable alone

So dead set on creating yourself a heart of stone

I wish I was capable of taking care of you

Since we met kid, I've known it was my job to

 

You know it's for you I'll always wear your ring

My lost angel with the broken wing

It looks like for me, things will soon move fast

But my mind will always be reliving our past

It's to you that everything will always be dedicated

And baby, a seat for you next to me will always be fated

 

Memories will run tears from my eyes that sting

For my lost angel with the broken wing

But that's ok hon, never waver from your plan

I know that you have already taken your future by the hand

[Guest stardust]

The third one and that last one you just posted are both pretty good, IMO. Just out of curiosity, what kind of bands (genre-wise) have you been audtioning for?

 

And Chave, I'm a poet who has songwriter/musician friends who actually want to use some of my POETRY as songs. Songs and poetry don't have to follow some rigid mold or be completely exclusive of the other. Songs are about rhythm. If you have a poem that has really good rhythm, you can most likely put it to music with maybe a little bit of tweaking and turn it into a song.

[Guest JAxlMorrison]

The one I auditioned for and didn't make was going for a faster, metal style. I wasn't able to hit the screams they needed me to. The one I was in for like two weeks was more rock, I guess a Pearl Jam sound.

 

I am not really sure what I am looking for tho. I guess kind of a Guns N Roses/Zeppelin type deal.

[Guest stardust]

Ah. I figured that was pretty much what you'd been going for.

[LaParkaYourCar 0]

A far as the Neil Young thing, I wasn't aware of a connection. I was actually paying homage to Cobain I guess. I'm not a huge fan of  his or anything, but that line in his suicide note "It's better to burn out then to fade away" always affected me a little. I guess that last line was my little spin on it.

'Its better to burn out than to fade away' was a line from a Neil Young song, 'My My Hey Hey'. Cobain included it in his suicide note as he was a big fan of Young as were most grunge artists. Neil Young was nicknamed the Godfather of Grunge.

It's also a line in Highlander, the original movie.

Def Leppard also say it in "Rock of Ages"

[Guest JAxlMorrison]

Memories Fade

 

 

Got out of the house tonight, and still I kept drinking

Soon the night was over, went home to my thinking

I want to shut off my thoughts, my best memories are of you

The smell of your hair, your smile, a summer sky above you

 

Rememberances of us cuts at me like a blade

I now see the reason why memories must fade

Soon enough they are gone, it's all God's design

On a trip to the subconcious, soon they cross the line

 

Some beers, a joint, some coke, I just might

Killing brain cells, I wanna forget about you tonight

Cause there's a couple cuties waiting, I'm rolling, I can't stop

I close my eyes and open them up to find she's climbed on top

 

OOOPS

 

I guess there was a time when I loved you so

Those days ran away like raindrops on my window

Remembering a slight fog, I love how they were made

But God has saved my sanity by making memories fade

 

Today it felt like I could see you everywhere

I felt your smile, turned to see, and you weren't there

I'll soon hate myself for taking friends' advice

"Yeah go on brutha, find yourself a new slice"

 

And although I never wanted to turn out this sleazy

I'm burning away my mind, so it's much too easy

Pictures have burned, notes have been torn with no delay

And I light a smoke, and flash a smile as my memories fade

[Guest JAxlMorrison]

"I need The Smarks Opinion, On my songwriting"

 

You sure went out of your way to choose a forum that would have most likely ripped into you.

Well, I would rather have criticism from peopel who read it, then blind praise from people who didn't.