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Guest TSMAdmin

Searching for Answers 6/06/03: Why, Damnit, Why?

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Guest TSMAdmin

I'm not really in the mood to write an introduction. I had 3/4 of this typed out before it got deleted for no earthly reason.





I have been a loyal fan of the WWF for a while now, and I watch almost religiously. Only in times of utter and total disgust did I flat out refuse to watch WWF programming. Lately, I’ve been edging closer to that state and last night almost pushed me right over the edge.




Even though the WWF has a history of mistreating Kurt Angle, I was looking forward to his big return. Sure, somewhere in the back of my mind I knew that they would probably blow it, but the build up and the video seemed to suggest that the writing team was putting effort into this.












It actually started off well enough. Kurt came out to a big pop and basked in the cheers for a minute or two. And it all went downhill from there. Kurt picked up the mic and asked the crowd to continue chanting “You Suck.” WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY? What in the name of holy fuck is that supposed to accomplish? Does it somehow help his babyface run? Does having the crowd chant negative things at a babyface make him like an Uber-Babyface? And how exactly does this self-deprecating comedy bullshit help him appear to be a top babyface and perennial contender for the title? Is that like common sense? Teach the crowd to chant “An-gle” or something. Make it a pro-Angle chant for Christ sakes.




At this point, the return already earns a solid “F”, but just when you think you’ve hit rock bottom, the WWF is sure to dig through the floor and hit an all knew low as they send out the Big Show. Right away you know there is a problem. If you are going to send someone out during a big return that has been hyped like this, send out someone the guy can lay out. The Big Show, for whatever reason, is not that guy. Okay, we know the reason. He’s big (read: fat) and has a huge contract. But anyway, couldn’t Chucky or someone just come out and get killed?




So Big Show comes out, and the idiot asshole comedy starts up AGAIN! LOLOLOLOOLOLOLOL, Big Show has bad breath! Doesn’t get any funnier than that! Because bad breath is funny! And it makes Angle look like SUCH A BADASS! BROCK SHOULD BE QUAKING IN HIS BOOTS! AN INCOMPETANT IDIOT WITH BAD SENSE OF HUMOR IS COMING AFTER HIM! ::sigh::




Now Angle climbs up to the second rope so he can look down on Big Show like God or something and say “ I’m not going poopie in my pants.” Keep in mind, this super duper mega main event face still hasn’t done anything about the big fat menace in the ring. Because, of course, that might get him cheered. And we can’t have that, now can we. That would be logical and perhaps even help FINALLY lift Angle to the new level. And since that’s what the oh so evil smart marks want, we have to do the exact opposite of that. Now, what would that be? Ah yes, have Big Show put the goozle on Kurt and have Kurt do NOTHING to defend himself. That’s a winning idea. Well, it can’t get any worse from here, right? ::cue thunder clouds::





When Brock ran out to save the defenseless Angle from the Big Show, two things went through my mind. First, I was shocked at how awesome it made Angle look. I mean, he a supposedly competent main event wrestler, had to be SAVED from a straight out wrestling move. Big Show didn’t even sneak attack him. Didn’t they do the same thing with Fabulous Moolah last autumn? Yep, Kurt’s in good company there.





Secondly, my face froze in horror as I realized…THEY WERE USING ANGLE’S RETURN TO BUILD A BROCK/BIG SHOW MATCH! (At this point, I started throwing things at my TV.) What the fuck? Really, WHAT THE FUCK? You had the opportunity to bring back one of your top workers and turn him into the next big star but instead you use him to promote a match that NO ONE wants to see? I just don’t get it? How does that make sense? What logic am I missing?





They end this all with a bizarre tension filled confrontation between Angle and Lesnar where Angle says that Lesnar will lose to the Fatom Menace before immediately turning around and saying that Lesnar is much better than him and showed it at Wrestlemania. Who does that help? And then this all somehow segues into something about Brock visiting him in the hospital and the two of them hugging, maybe the one highlight of this segment.





And so ends the supposedly grand return of Kurt Angle, which in actuality was nothing more than a steaming pile of horseshit that helped no one.




Well, at least it fits the WWF Philosophy.









PS. I've noticed that my last two columns have been very short for various reasons (This one mainly because the first version got deleted.), so I'd like to add some kind of weekly feature (Much like Nik's "Caption This" just, you know, not that.) If any one has an idea for a feature, shoot me an e-mail.




Send all comments, bitches, complaints, suggestions or whatever to: [email protected]

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