Looking to deeply into it???

[Guest papacita]

This is the same company that thought killing the undertaker in the early 90's, having his spirit float to the heavens on pay per view with horribly cheesy special effects, and then bringing in a fake undertaker, was a sure fire hit!

LMAO....that actually happened for real??

Hey, that scared the shit outta me when I was 10.

[Guest Slapnuts00]

For the guy who's never heard of the breathtaking incident, From Scott Keith's Royal Rumble 94 rant:

 

- WWF title casket match: Yokozuna v. The Undertaker. And yes, this is THAT match. And if you’re reading this and wondering "What does he mean by ‘THAT match’?", well, obviously you’ve led a very sheltered life and have never heard of this match before, and are thus much more mentally stable than the rest of us poor bastards who had to watch it in 1994. I’d just like to point out, for the record, that all the free tapes from WCW, exposure from Wrestleline, money from Sean Shannon, and ass-kissing from fans STILL isn’t enough to justify the mental anguish that this match has caused millions of people and the suffering I have to go through in order to review it for you, the reader. But I guess a man’s gotta do what a man’s gotta do. So please, before we begin, bear in mind that I am making NONE of this up, and everything I am about to describe actually happened, live on a PPV. This is not, just to clarify, an LSD hallucination gone wrong, or a dream sequence that ended with Pat Patterson waking up in the shower in the next morning. And please, for the love of god, put the kids to bed before you read this match review, or skip to the Royal Rumble match. I wouldn’t want any of them to read it and later become a booker with these kinds of ideas lodged in their heads. God knows there’s enough bad influences on TV these days without the added mental problems caused by watching Undertaker matches from 1994. Presenting the all-time champion of overbooking and general stupidity…Undertaker v. Yokozuna, part one. Onto the match..

 

- Undertaker gets a quick start, chasing Yoko to the floor. The brawl a bit. Then a bit more. Yoko gains the upper hand with the CEREMONIAL SALT OF DOOM and some weak chairshots. First casketing attempt goes to Yoko, but UT blocks and comes back. Belly-to-bellies ends that, but Taker does the zombie situp. Chokeslam follows, and a HUGE swinging DDT. Undertaker tries to finish, and you might want to skip ahead now, because it REALLY starts to suck. Crush blocks UT’s win attempt, and Taker fights him off. Now the Great Kabuki (as an agent of Mr. Fuji) tries his luck, along with Genichiro Tenryu. Taker fights them all off. Now Bam Bam comes down and it’s 4-on-1. Yoko awakes from his nap in the casket, so now it’s 5-on-1. Is the point hammered home yet? Of course not, so here’s Adam Bomb to make it 6-on-1. Throw in Jeff Jarrett for 7-on-1, then the Headshrinkers make it NINE-on-1, which is getting excessive even by ECW standards. Diesel joins us last (lazy bastard) for an even 10-on-1, and they STILL, ten guys mind you, can’t get him into the damn coffin. So what would YOU do? Steal the urn of course, and dump the ashes out. Then, just when you thought it couldn’t get sillier, it does: Green smoke pours out of the urn and everyone acts all shocked. LET’S KICK IT UP A NOTCH – Vince deadpans, as the entire match (and indeed his promotion) falls apart in the ring: "It appears that the power of the urn is escaping, and with it the Undertaker’s powers". I swear to god he actually said that without a trace of irony. That’s why I couldn’t be a wrestling announcer – I’d get fired for ripping stuff apart as soon as I saw how dumb an idea it was. Finally, after all that, they put the Undertaker down for good and shut the lid to give Yokozuna the win at 14:19, although the actual 1-on-1 match lasted all of 5 minutes. The crowd is left completely numbed and in shock by the ending. -****

 

- Suck it in, because we’re not done yet. The heels then lock the casket and wheel it to the dressing room, but it starts to smoke on the way down the aisle. A video of UT appears on the video wall (which the announcers naturally assume is a live feed of Undertaker inside his casket, thus indicating that Ocham’s Razor is a foreign concept to Vince McMahon, Jr.). Undertaker, who is now "dying", stops his decomposition long enough to give a speech. I was so touched that I transcribed it, because you all deserve to share my pain. I was gonna split it into individual haikus to really be a smart-ass, but it’s late, so here’s the Undertaker’s last words:

 

- " Be not proud, because the spirit of the Undertaker live within the souls of mankind, the eternal flame of life which cannot be extinguished, the origin of which cannot be explained. The answer lies in the everlasting spirit. Soon all mankind will witness the rebirth of the Undertaker. I will not rest in peace."

 

- Is that fucking deep or what? I feel like humming "Personal Jesus" right now. I wonder if Sid was watching this show and took interviewing notes or something? By the way, Mark Callaway wanted time off to spend with his wife, so Vince thought up this whole wonderful "sports entertainment" moment to explain his absense. Whatever happened to "he hurt his leg" or "he’s in jail" like in the good old days?

 

- Oh, wait, sorry, I bet you thought this segment couldn’t get anymore stupid and offensive…FOOLISH MORTAL! I’ll break your spirit yet! The video wall image of the Undertaker goes to a reverse-color scheme, then starts to "rise" out of the video wall, to be replaced by Marty Jannetty dressed in an Undertaker costume, "levitating" to the ceiling (with wires clearly visible) while Vince earnestly sells the whole experience as a deep and meaningful spiritual experience.

 

Dear Federal Investigators:

 

Obviously whoever conducted the investigation of Mr. Vincent K. McMahon on suspicion of drug distribution in 1994 and failed to get a conviction was either retarded or coked out of their mind, because if the above 30 minutes doesn’t conclusively prove that the entire booking team was on mind-altering substances of some form then the American legal system might as well pack it in now, because justice is not only blind, it’s stupid.

 

Yours Truly,

 

Scott Keith.

 

P.S. If you do indeed fire your lead investigator, consider forwarding his resume to WCW, because even retarded and on mind-altering substances, he’s still one up on Russo & Ferrera at this point.

[Guest JRE]

So Kane got a haircut and started wearing a wig in Summer 2003? It's not that far-fetched. I mean, we can't deny the oppurtunity for Kane to get a bad haircut just because he wore a mask, right? No one complains that Mr. Ass had long blond hair, and now he has short hair.

 

Ah yes, a far fetched comment- but in direct contrast to the smarknorm....that's my style.

[Guest TheArchiteck]

Ok, after my intial laughter.....I realize just how damn sad that is.

 

For some reason I remember the thing about the green smoke coming from the ern.