your WWE SMACKDOWN WORKRATE REPORT-7/3/2003

[Guest DEAN RASMUSSEN]

I was putting the finishing touches on the Al Wilson segment during the Big Show vs Scott Putski/Zack McGowan match and banged my keyboard to the underside on my desk and hit the ``home`` button that sits on the periphery of my keyboard, losing all of the two hours of writing for all eternity. I am seething with hate so expect a truncated version of everything and I`ll ramble at length on something to make up the dead air. Luckily, I started drinking at 8:00 so this could be more fun the second time around. Oh yeah, drunk time, fat boy.

 

WHAT WORKED-

- Rey Misterio and Nunzio had a match that was basically the Dean Malenko/ Rey matches from 1996- but with Nunzio opting against the UWFi matwork and the Dean Malenko carny-cum-New Japan matwork and basically dumbing his offense to down to full-blown WWE midcard snazziness- thus Nunzio counter`s Rey springboard with a backbreaker as opposed to what Malenko would do in the same position which would be hitting a rib-breaker. Still, the layout of the match was perfectly fine and even with the completely useless run-in by the rest of the FBI, it was a fine little defense of a belt that young Rey Rey is sucessfully salvaging.

 

- The Basham brothers continue to wrestle like the cloned twins of Eddy Jackie. Tazz keeps trying to get over the fact the Basham Brothers are ``NUTS!`` and- as he says it, they wrestle in the ring and remind me of Thunderfoot Gene Ligon giving the opening prayer at a Rotary Club breakfast. Benoit decides to wake me up by throwing all of his usual spots into the match and I thought they had completely run out of ideas and I awaited the Rhyno GORE GORE GORE of Benoit or Benoit accidentally Crippler Crossfacing Rhyno to comical results or something. En Lieu, they have a pretty cool complex finish with Rhyno killing a Basham (I said they are still boring. They don`t suck or anything) and Benoit stretching the other. Post match, Shaniqua gives Benoit the come-hither stare and suddenly this quite average match becomes COMPLETELY AWESOME. The reasoning for the sudden awesomeness is because Benoit will sometimes get confused by the non-ringwork aspects of wrestling- especially in angles involving women. THUS there is always the chance that Benoit will SHOOOOOT on the WWE and actually fall in love with Shaniqua and marry her and raise a third family in Stamford. That`s why Benoit rules in every fucking aspect of wrestling.

 

- Eddy amd Tajiri roll up in the non-muscle car lowrider so my loins remain unstirred. Shelton Benjamin is fucking awesome when you get him in the ring with Eddy Guerrerro and Eddy gets him all fired up. Charlie Haas then gets all fired up from Shelton getting all fired up and actually has a nice looking section where he is punching Tajiri in the face after TEAM ANGLE does the cool ass 14 step springboard counter on Eddy after the Eddy Bulldog/Flying Headscissors combination. Tajiri has the crowd behind him as he is taking the ass-beating and that is the first sign of worthwhile tagteam wrestling so you and I cyberfrenchkiss in mutual admiration of quality wrestling shared by two people, separated by computer screens. The finish was fucking great and the nearfalls were neato, as everybody decided to try be Sabu 2003 wile attempting to shorten their careers by 5 years bumping to the floor and to the car and taking the Superkick to the neck and what you have you. The shitty illogical heel turn sucks because Eddy and Tajiri were a fine tag team and Eddy vs Tajiri won`t be as good as Eddy/Tajiri vs Team Angle for the belts again.

 

- The main event worked because Zack Gowan looked so freaky being thrown into the ring by Big Show. I can imagine that folks flipping through channels on Thursday night that happened across that must have said to themselves, ``America is too fucked up to survive.`` And they are probably right.

 

- THE SECRET ADVENTURES OF AL WILSON:

``Skandar, what happened?``

 

``That fuckin` whore Mrs Eubanks won`t let me in the dance! That FUCKIN WHORE!``

 

``Skandar, I can only assume that it is because you are astoundingly drunk.``

 

``Oh fuck. FUCK. Fuck that SHIT! FUCK THAT FUCKING BULLSHIT! She can`t prove that shit!``

 

Skandar`s date, Emily, and Baron`s girl, Jennifer, descreetly giggle at their ridiculously drunk friend Skandar. Emily soothes Baron and Jennifer`s worries. ``I`ll take him over to Parker field and keep him occupied until 10:30 and then I`ll meet y`all at Pizza Hut.``

 

``Cool. You sure you can handle him?``

 

``C`mon, Jenn, I`ll be lucky if he doesn`t pass out before I get him to the car.``

 

Baron smacks Skandar on the shoulder. ``Mein fruende, I vill see you at Pizza Hut. It sounds like the whole gang vill be there. I vill eat your American pizza but I piss on your American beer.`` He looks at Jennifer and doesn`t want to look like a dick. ``Maybe I vill drink a little. For the sake of my beloved.``

 

Baron was wearing a sharp pair of blue khakis and an aqua collared OP shirt. His eyes took in and were completely dazzled by Jennifer`s plaid skirt and kelly green sleeveless blouse. ``Baron, this night isn`t about drinking. This night is about dancing. You better be up for it.``

 

``I am up for anything, mein leibschen.`` Baron`s confident words betrayed his inner turmoil. `Dance? I can`t dance. Dance? Dance dance dance... well i did that folk dancing in Bavaria that time when I was 8. No. no that won`t do.`` Terrified and stricken with sudden terror, Baron is mute as he hands his tickets to Mrs Eubanks- who sniffs subtley and quickly straightens the sleeve on her navy blue pants suit.

 

`Think. think.` Baron`s mind finally seizes upon something. Right before he died, his father would get drunk and trying to drive life lessons into his son. `IF YOU EVER GET SCARED, if the world is atacking you from evey angle, reach deeply into yourself. Reach deeply into yourself and summon up your TRUE ESSENCE! Gather up the TRUE STRENGTH OF YOUR REAL IDENTITY AND FIGHT! If you have found your true essence and you lose, it is MEANT TO BE!!! YOU VOULD DESEEEERVE TO DIIIIE! AHHHHHH!`

 

Baron pondered this. `I am... I am... I am graceful, passionate... passionate... I AM PASSIONATE AND I AM IN FLAMES! I burn with a love for life, a love for my woman. I CHANNEL THIS TO MY MOVES. I CHANNEL THIS AND express Express EXPRESS MYSELF ON THE DANCEFLOOR!``

 

The first beats of ``Electric Kingdom`` pour out of the sound system. Baron is intense and he gazes into the eyes of Jennifer and tries to tell her how much he wants her, how much he loves her, how beyond the mere existence of the civilized world his love for her is. Jennifer is his beloved and understands his intensity and returns his razor sharp look. He is empowered. She is empowered. They begin to undulate to the beat.

 

TO BE CONTINUED.

 

- A-Train beating the fuck out of Orlando Jordan was better than Cena beating the hell out of Jordan because A-Train has an actual interesting offence. I dig how they are doing the whole Japanese idea of rookies wrestling Discipline and Education matches against experienced wrestlers and this was about as good as one of those limited matches can get.

 

WHAT DIDN`T WORK-

 

- Sable is ready to baptise young Stephanie`s anxious and quivering mouth with her bitter, maple-syrup-consistency lactation when they abruptly switch to Jamie Noble not emerging from an El Camino with a deer rack in the back window. Nidia didn`t have a diamond promise ring and new tattoo on her ankle of a dolphin and ``Jamie` written underneath. Noble didn`t have a leather vest and new crossbow so fuck this non-real white trash shit.

 

- Angle and Brock have really annoying good natured hi-jinx where they both end up trying to mack on what appears to be a 12 year old- eventually spewing milk in her face. I can only guess what that symbolized to the Snapple-drinking 38 year old virgins who had already shot the distance over their Magic the Gathering cards, eating away at the lacquer finish with their cheetos-scented viscuous spooge. Then THEN Brock and Angle have a PUSH-UP CONTEST! Give me a fucking break. This is the pathetic, desperate, sexually stunted modern day WWE. Where`s the Who Can Do The Most Lines of Coke Off Sable`s Ass contest? I mean, fuck me running, where is the Who Can Take The Most Showers With Bradshaw And Retain Their Anal Integrity The Longest contest. Jesus fucking Christ, it`s a high hanging fastball. Step up to the motherfucking plate.

 

THERE YOU HAVE IT.

 

DEAN RASMUSSEN.

[Lil' Bitch 0]

Holy shit, this was long...

[Guest DEAN RASMUSSEN]

Yes. Yes it was.

 

DEAN.

[Guest OnlyMe]

- Sable is ready to baptise young Stephanie`s anxious and quivering mouth with her bitter, maple-syrup- consistency lactation

 

DEAN... I love you for putting that image in my mouth

 

/goes to bed happy

 

Nik

 

EDIT: I don't know why I said "mouth". You put images in my head... and other things in my mouth.

[Guest Mulatto Heat]

- Angle and Brock have really annoying good natured hi-jinx where they both end up trying to mack on what appears to be a 12 year old- eventually spewing milk in her face. I can only guess what that symbolized to the Snapple-drinking 38 year old virgins who had already shot the distance over their Magic the Gathering cards, eating away at the lacquer finish with their cheetos-scented viscuous spooge. Then THEN Brock and Angle have a PUSH-UP CONTEST! Give me a fucking break. This is the pathetic, desperate, sexually stunted modern day WWE. Where`s the Who Can Do The Most Lines of Coke Off Sable`s Ass contest? I mean, fuck me running, where is the Who Can Take The Most Showers With Bradshaw And Retain Their Anal Integrity The Longest contest. Jesus fucking Christ, it`s a high hanging fastball. Step up to the motherfucking plate.

HAHAHAHAHA!!!

 

Thank you Dean. That is sig-worthy.

[Guest Mindless_Aggression]

You went batshit with the Al Wilson story this week. Not that there is anything wrong with a long Al Wilson story, I approve of this.

[Guest godthedog]

Sable is ready to baptise young Stephanie`s anxious and quivering mouth with her bitter, maple-syrup-consistency lactation when they abruptly switch to Jamie Noble not emerging from an El Camino with a deer rack in the back window.

i had to read this 4 times before it made any sense to me at all.

 

but i mean that in a good way.

[Guest DEAN RASMUSSEN]

 

- Sable is ready to baptise young Stephanie`s anxious and quivering mouth with her bitter, maple-syrup- consistency lactation

 

DEAN... I love you for putting that image in my mouth

 

/goes to bed happy

 

Nik

 

EDIT: I don't know why I said "mouth". You put images in my head... and other things in my mouth.

I will try to not put anymore images into anyone else's mouth.

 

DEAN.

[Guest RavishingRickRudo]

Can this even be called an Al Wilson story since Al hasn't appeared in, what, a few months??

 

Which is not to say 'stop', I am diggin Ze Baron more than Mack Daddy Al Wilson... I'm just sayin.

[Guest DEAN RASMUSSEN]

You went batshit with the Al Wilson story this week. Not that there is anything wrong with a long Al Wilson story, I approve of this.

It was calmer the first time I wrote it. When I had to write it again, I opted to include a drunken teenage Skandar Akbar and I decided to make Baron's dad kinda crazy.

 

DEAN.

[Guest DEAN RASMUSSEN]

Can this even be called an Al Wilson story since Al hasn't appeared in, what, a few months??

 

Which is not to say 'stop', I am diggin Ze Baron more than Mack Daddy Al Wilson... I'm just sayin.

I swear to God that at some point it will roll back around to Al Wilson. It might be after a second digression into the life of teenage Skandar Akbar, but we'll see.

 

DEAN.

[Guest RavishingRickRudo]

Will it turn out that Al Wilson is Akbars father?

[Guest DEAN RASMUSSEN]

Will it turn out that Al Wilson is Akbars father?

I don't see THAT happening.

 

DEAN.

[Guest RavishingRickRudo]

I see.

[Guest Takedown]

That bit about Kurt and Brock was GENIUS...

 

absolutely fucking genius....

[EL DANDY~! 0]

DEAN, Akbar is really great and such...but really, the HEART AND SOUL of your workrate reports is one of mack daddy pimp Al Wilson. Oh, and even though it's nonsensical, people love Eddy acting like a complete dick. I know I do...

[Guest Lord of The Curry]

Baron's half-hearted attempt at convincing Jennifer that he could take American beer for the sake of his gal touched my heart.

[EL DANDY~! 0]

Oh yeah, and Baron wearing the OP shirt was a nice touch...when you need style tips, fuck Rico. Baron's your man for that shit...

[Guest Nater]

I kinda tune out during the Al Wilson segments

 

I've had my fill of freeze-framed Rudy Ray Moore dong.

[Bored 0]

Dean's brilliance truly brings a tear to my eye.