WWE SMACKDOWN WORKRATE REPORT- 7/10/2003!

[Guest DEAN RASMUSSEN]

WHAT WORKED-

 

- Bashams and Kidman in a four cornerszzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz... huh...huh... HUHN? oh sorry.... fell asleep... anyway Kidman and the Bashamszzzzzzzzzzzzzzz.... Bashzzzzzzzzzzz.... I`m falling... Oh Rey Misterio. Ah there`s a batch of clubbing forearms. Horrible hideous clubbing forearms. Clubbing forearms from deepest darkness nightmare- clubbing with forearms your special secret dream world. Ravaging clubbing forearms. Luckily, a commercial saves us from the clubbing merciless clubbing forearms. The forearms, our forearms- they taunt you with their clubbingness. None more clubbing. A chinlock keeps the clubbing forearms at bay, saving us from their sinister clubbingness. Bless you, our chinlock- saviour of those who live in terror of the malevolent clubbing forearms. Kidman looks like Jammin` Tommy Jammer now and looks quite poised to be touched in a loving and tender way in his deepest darkest points in the very heart of his BUTT by a curious and suddenly liberated Bradshaw- in the shower, postmatch. Assorted Bashams wrestle with Kidman and all of Toronto gets some much shut-eye after all the sleepless nights of the trauma of the SARS outbreak and eternal worrisome woes of flagging Argonaut attendance. Meanwhile, in the back the FBI and the APA continue to fill the world with their hoary host of clubbing forearms- forearms meting out there horrid clubbing of forearmedness.

 

- Vince Carter`s COMPLETELY BAD ASS Virginia Squires Dr J jersey ruled it so fucking hard.

 

- Rhyno and Benoit take on Matt MOTHERRFUCKING Hardy and Shannon Moore and I am happy finally. Moore does the fun submission on Rhyno and the kinda hot tag early to bring in Benoit riles up the Canadians. Benoit does the Yamazakization of the pin attempt by Shannon into the Crippler Crossface and I`m glad Benoit and Rhyno are going to be tagging for a while. Benoit fucking rules, even if it is as truncated as this.

 

- The best match I ever saw live in WCW was Eddy Guerrerro vs Ultimo Dragon in Fairfax, VA for 26 minutes in 1998. This wasn`t even on the same planet as that but these two against each other will always make the Mendoza Line unless Giant Kimala does a run-in and he and John the Shark Tenta exchange thunderous body splashes on the two defenseless little guys. Eddy being evil is fun. AND FUCK NO I DON`T BLAME YOU! THAT BOY DID TOUCH YOUR FUCKING RIDE! THAT IS LIKE TOUCHING YOUR MAMCITA! LEARN HIM THAT LESSON!!! FUCK YEAH! FUCKIN STUPID TAJIRI! Eddy learned a lesson and that`s important. He DOES need to look out for himself. It IS time for Eddy to be on top of the WWE. Dragon gets billion dollar pyro. Dragon looks better this week than last week- as Eddy getting fired up helps him along. They start teasing the Asai moonsault onto the sweet ass lowrider early. Eddy rudos like a motherfucker and cheats to win in a far too short match.

 

- Billy Gunn tries to lie to you and me and himself by closing his eyes, kissing his bleached blond silicon beard and pretending that these lips are the sweet and tender lips of Chuck. Billy`s smile is a smile that masks the bitter tears of denial. Nidia`s spear on Billy gets the wrestling up here. Nidia endangering Torrie`s implants with knife edge chops and that`s kinda exciting in a completely fucking pathetic kind of way. Jamie Noble sees through Torrie`s obvious desire to feel the full brunt of his uncircumcised hillbilly pecker and offers her 10,000 dollars more than her scrawny ass is worth. Youth of Canadia nationwide hoist a load of maple-syrupy spunk all over their mooselamps and Jari Kuri collector cards when Torrie pulls Nidia`s pants off.

 

- THE SECRET ADVENTURES OF AL WILSON:

``Cool Love`` by Pablo Cruise starts pumping through through the sound system and Baron pulls Jennifer close and he feels her ribs in her back through her blouse. They are cheek to cheek- he smells of British Sterling and she of Charlie! ``This has been wonderful...``

 

``Yes, mien darling, I am in heaven. You are so beautiful and I am so glad to be so lucky to be here with you.``

 

``I`m the lucky one.``

 

``We are both lucky. Lucky to have found each other. Lucky to be in this place, this summer.... it is a beautifu dream. You are beyond any dream I could ever have...``

 

``Cut it out, Baron. You`re making me blush.`` She pecks him on the cheek. Baron, having been lost in the moment, suddenly notices a change in him. It affects the front of his pants. ``Uh-oh.`` Baron thinks quickly. ``Darling, I need to go to ze bathroom for a second. Vy don`t ze dance over near the door there.`` He kisses her again and pirouettes into the men`s room

 

Skandar was standing by the sink having snuck into the bathroom through the window. He was smoking a J with David, his redneck cousin when Baron rushes in. ``Goddam, Baron, I think that`s the biggest fucking boner I`ve ever seen.``

 

``Shut the fuck up Skandar and help me!``

 

``Help you?! What the fuck do you want ME to do?``

 

``I don`t know! VAT DO I DO!?!? Jennifer is waiting out zere! fucking HELP ME!``

 

``Allright allright allright. Uh... put your hand in cold water. Think of.... uh... baseball.``

 

``Ve do not have zis baseball.``

 

``Do you wanna walk around the dance with a big fucking boner at the dance like big fucking pervert or do you want to listen to me?``

 

``Okayokayokay. I`m am thinking about ze concept of baseball.``

 

``Yeah, chicks they smell good. They got those titties and butts. I pretty much stay completely torqued all the time. You should try like jacking off in the shower or something.``

 

``SKANDAR! Shut up! YOU ARE NOT HELPING ME! I am trying to think of ze baseball! Rod Carew.... Danny Vhite... Otis Sistrunk.... Jack Sikma. AH JACK SIKMA CURES ME OF MY PROBLEM! YES! BASEBALL!`` Eventually, it gets to a managable situation.

 

``Thank you, Skandar. I owe you beer at pizza hut.``

 

``Hey, motherfucker, that`s what friends are for. If that didn`t work you were on your own though, my brother.`` and they laugh and laugh and laugh. ``And you know Jack Sikma plays basketball.``

 

``Either vay. he is not very attractive.``

 

``Fuckin A.``

 

- Haas and Brock was fucking gold. Brock bumped like a king early to match Benjamin and Haas bumping big. Big Show does the boring as Kidman Wrestling The Haas Brothers Bearhug. Tazz is adorable trying to make the bearhug sound all devastating. Big Show takes the Belly to Belly and takes a posting like a man but didn`t blade for some reason. Shelton takes the fat ass belly to belly on the floor and this match is fabulous. Brock takes the big chokeslam through the table. That was a cool match because the guy wrestling three guys didn`t win like if Hogan was wrestling. Lesnar is fucking awesome these days.

 

WHAT DIDN`T WORK-

- Kurt Angle in Toronto not being a heel sucks it soooo hard. So much to make fun of and he has to hand it all off to John Cena. And Cena sucks at the cheap heel heat these days. Then they start rapping and I`m really not having a good time. Though the Ref As Human Beatbox almost saves the bacon. Then Cena riles up the crowd and they set up some kind of tag match I`m a guessing. Or maybe not. Angle as a face is just so lame.

 

- They show last week`s main event in it`s entirety so this automatically loses. I notice that Stephanie throws better punches than Zack Gowan. A one-legged VanDaminator is as lame (HAHAHAHAHAHAHA!) as a two legged VanDaminator. Then they have the contract signing and it takes the young Zack 45 minutes to write his name. I await Benoit jobbing to the one-legged moonsault! WOO! Vince comes out and doesn`t insult Canada. CANADA!?!? IS THIS A PROFESSIONAL WRESTLING SHOW?!?! If Vince McMahon can`t be the ugly American in Toronto for my amusement what is the motherfucking purpose of even crossing the border? En lieu, Vince comes out and plugs Scott Kieth`s new book. Scott Kieth- A CANADIAN! Talk about Vince feeling the full Owen and Bret Hart Guilt. And didn`t you also think that during the part where they set-up Gowans PPV match Vince said ``The meanest SOB to walk the face of the earth............... MENG!`` I was very excited about big hair and big pants. Instead I get to not go to a sports bar again and not see a wrestling PPV. Not that Meng vs Zack Gowan was getting my big fat lazy ass out of the house and to a sports bar. Sable and Stephanie have a cat fight and- nationwide- 42 year old owners of mint condition Dark Knight #1, sealed in plastic bags, toast a Fritos-scented festering load into their Mr Mxyzptlk hand puppets. Fit motherfucking Finlay sells the horrible pungent smells summoned by two leathery pseudo-strippers working up their milky, burning discharge of fightsweat because he just motherfucking rules.

 

- I think I`m actually tired of Big Show`s theme. It`s sad. Really. Like a little part of me has died.

 

THERE YOU HAVE IT.

 

DEAN RASMUSSEN.

[Guest Ronixis]

Vince comes out and doesn`t insult Canada. CANADA!?!? IS THIS A PROFESSIONAL WRESTLING SHOW?!?!

 

SIGGED.

 

LMAO!

[Guest RavishingRickRudo]

Bashams and Kidman in a four cornerszzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz... huh...huh... HUHN? oh sorry.... fell asleep... anyway Kidman and the Bashamszzzzzzzzzzzzzzz.... Bashzzzzzzzzzzz.... I`m falling... Oh Rey Misterio. Ah there`s a batch of clubbing forearms. Horrible hideous clubbing forearms. Clubbing forearms from deepest darkness nightmare- clubbing with forearms your special secret dream world. Ravaging clubbing forearms. Luckily, a commercial saves us from the clubbing merciless clubbing forearms. The forearms, our forearms- they taunt you with their clubbingness. None more clubbing. A chinlock keeps the clubbing forearms at bay, saving us from their sinister clubbingness. Bless you, our chinlock- saviour of those who live in terror of the malevolent clubbing forearms. Kidman looks like Jammin` Tommy Jammer now and looks quite poised to be touched in a loving and tender way in his deepest darkest points in the very heart of his BUTT by a curious and suddenly liberated Bradshaw- in the shower, postmatch. Assorted Bashams wrestle with Kidman and all of Toronto gets some much shut-eye after all the sleepless nights of the trauma of the SARS outbreak and eternal worrisome woes of flagging Argonaut attendance. Meanwhile, in the back the FBI and the APA continue to fill the world with their hoary host of clubbing forearms- forearms meting out there horrid clubbing of forearmedness.

 

Kidman's Boring joke? Check

Bradshaw shower joke? Check

Michael Cole's retarded commentary joke? Check

 

For those following along at home, that's a triple point score!

 

Great stuff.

[Guest Miss Independant]

Dean, you always seem to make my young, virgin thighs quiver with your amazing skills. Don't stop... don't ever stop...

[Guest wildpegasus]

I just want to say thanks for the Al Wilson/Baron saga Dean. Keep up the good work.

[Guest DEAN RASMUSSEN]

Dean, you always seem to make my young, virgin thighs quiver with your amazing skills. Don't stop... don't ever stop...

I'm... I'm... I'm SPENT!

 

DEAN.

[Guest DEAN RASMUSSEN]

Kidman's Boring joke? Check

Bradshaw shower joke? Check

Michael Cole's retarded commentary joke? Check

 

For those following along at home, that's a triple point score!

I doubled up on the masturbation jokes this week when I swore that I would try to go at least a week without one. I apologize. I was... wrong. I can't help... myself.

 

DEAN.

[Guest DEAN RASMUSSEN]

Thank you, Wild Pegasus.

 

DEAN.

[Guest Miss Independant]

Dean, you always seem to make my young, virgin thighs quiver with your amazing skills.  Don't stop... don't ever stop...

I'm... I'm... I'm SPENT!

 

DEAN.

Aw come on. Don't tease me like that. You know you have the stamina of a 13 year old boy with his first Penthouse.

[Guest RavishingRickRudo]

Ok... Let's CALM DOWN... let's get into the deeper issue here....

 

Not feelin the Big Show's music anymore DEAN?? Why come?

[Guest DEAN RASMUSSEN]

Ok... Let's CALM DOWN... let's get into the deeper issue here....

 

Not feelin the Big Show's music anymore DEAN?? Why come?

I don't know. I....I....I JUST DOn'T KNOW! It's tearing me up inside!

 

DEAN.

[Guest RavishingRickRudo]

It's ok DEAN, everything is going to be... Ok... this is just a temporary thing - it has to be. Don't worry, when you wake up tomorrow with the sun breaking through the window and the sounds of birds chirping and children laughing fills your head, it will all come together in one big chorus and echo "IT'S THE BIIIG SHOOOOOOOOW something something YOU'LL NEVER KNOW, IT'S THE BIIIIIIG SHOOOW!" and you shall rise and smile knowing that the music is back in your heart.

[Guest Smell the ratings!!!]

Jari Kuri collector cards

 

Mr Mxyzptlk hand puppets.

Jari Kuri and Mr. Mxyzptlk get mentioned in a masturbation segment ON THE SAME SHOW?!

 

*marks the fuck out*

[EL DANDY~! 0]

I'm awaiting the six-man APA and Billy vs. FBI 6-man where all of it partakes in the bathroom so that all the men can have their sexual fantasies realized.

 

Oh, and Skandar ruled it again as per usual. Get this man a fuckin book deal already...

[Guest Nater]

Dont worry.. it happens to all guys.

[Guest Lord of The Curry]

``We are both lucky. Lucky to have found each other. Lucky to be in this place, this summer.... it is a beautifu dream. You are beyond any dream I could ever have...``

 

DEAN = Warrior Poet. Can I borrow that one for a night at the bar?

[Guest DEAN RASMUSSEN]

I'm awaiting the six-man APA and Billy vs. FBI 6-man where all of it partakes in the bathroom so that all the men can have their sexual fantasies realized.

.

DR: Oh man, the Gloryhole elimination match! Loser In The Barrel Streetfight! This thing books itself.

 

DEAN

[Guest TheZsaszHorsemen]

Dean if it's so tough for Brock and especially Kurt to beat Show, and Jeff did it pretty easily, does this mean that Jeff Hardy is the uncrowned WWE Champion?