Guest jester Report post Posted July 22, 2003 Randy Orton to Go Door to Door In an effort to get people to give a shit about him STAMFORD, Conn.--(BUSINESS WIRE)--July 22, 2003-- World Wrestling Entertainment™(WWE™) announced today that it has begun sending Superstar Randy Orton door-to-door in a cross-North American campaign to increase his visibility. Orton, a third-generation Superstar and son of the legendary "Cowboy" Bob Orton, will visit every household in North America one by one, and do whatever is necessary to get him noticed. "In most households, Randy will just give a short speech explaining why he is important and why fans should pay attention to him," said WWE Executive Vice President Kurt Schneider. "In other, more indifferent households, it may be necessary to resort to more extreme measures to get noticed, such as steal stereos, set the family pets on fire, or push over wheelchairs in the case of households belonging to the disabled." Orton will be accompanied by World Wrestling Entertainment™ announcers Jim Ross, Johnathan Coachman and Jerry "The King" Lawler, who will praise everything he does. The campaign kicked off today in East Port, Maine, where Orton visited the home of John and Susan Gerry. Orton spent 15 minutes posing, and handed Mrs. O'Leary an Evolution™ t-shirt. Later, Orton knocked on the door of Dwayne Kopperud, but Kopperud was at work. Orton keyed his name on his truck and left. "Randy Orton is a bright young star and the future of this company," said Linda McMahon, CEO of World Wrestling Entertainment. "In fact, he is the greatest human being alive. Once, I saw him walk across water and heal a girl with skin cancer just by looking at her. "Randy Orton is love," she added. "I am not fit to roll in the feces of Randy Orton," said Rob Van Dam, another WWE Superstar who looks considerably less super next to the great Randy Orton. "Quite frankly I don't know why people do anything besides watch Randy Orton. You should all certainly cheer him instead of me." "Randy Orton is almost as good as me," commented WWE Superstar Triple H™. Linda McMahon also announced that World Wrestling Entertainment will introduce more programs and incentives to watch Orton later this year. In the fall, WWE will give six boxes of Hulk Hogan merchandise to house show attendees who can identify Orton out of a line-up that consists of Orton, a head of lettuce and box of laundry detergent. In the winter, WWE $10 bucks to houseshow attendees who react to him in some way. Any way. Forward-Looking Statements: This news release was made up wholesale by an embittered fan, and was included as a means of warding off lawsuits. The fan who wrote this realizes that WWE's response to any kind of criticism they can't ignore outright is to sue it. And here's another forward looking statement: Orton sucks. Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Guest Youth N Asia Report post Posted July 22, 2003 ehh, not too funny Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Guest HartFan86 Report post Posted July 22, 2003 This is gunna go in the NHB in about 1-2-3. Hey, I rhymed. Word. Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Guest Anglesault Report post Posted July 22, 2003 Anything that rips apart Suckbag is fine by me. Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Guest razazteca Report post Posted July 22, 2003 Kanyon so needs to kick his ass, for stealing his old WCW gimmick. Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Guest jester Report post Posted July 22, 2003 This is gunna go in the NHB in about 1-2-3. Hey, I rhymed. Word. Yes, you're right, I should have posted it there. Sorry about that. Can a mod move this? Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Guest Mulatto Heat Report post Posted July 22, 2003 I laughed. And I don't regret it. Sue me. Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Guest MarvinisaLunatic Report post Posted July 22, 2003 The sad thing is they might be desperate enough to get Orton over that they might actually do something like this. If he was only a face, they could dust off the Lex Express.. Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Guest Choken One Report post Posted July 22, 2003 I'd Mark if Orton showed up at my door...I'd Club him and add him to my PERSONAL J.R AND PERSONAL Kamala collection Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Guest HartFan86 Report post Posted July 22, 2003 I thought the part about Orton keying his name in the car was pretty funny. The rest was eh. Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Guest Bruiser Chong Report post Posted July 22, 2003 Anything that rips apart Suckbag ™ is fine by me. Boy, I didn't know it was necessary to trademark something so horribly uncreative/lame. Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Guest Choken One Report post Posted July 22, 2003 Well It is Anglesault. Aside from his Evolution down the Hall way...He hasn't said anything witty in some time... Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
BruteSquad_BRODY 0 Report post Posted August 26, 2009 It worked. Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
DrVenkman PhD 0 Report post Posted August 27, 2009 Suckbag? Really? 27 takes and that was the best one? Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
TheFranchise 0 Report post Posted August 28, 2009 Man I remember that whole 'Suckbag' thing on TSM. It got quite popular. Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
