how to be nu-metal

[Guest Red Hot Thumbtack In The Eye]

1. Must have spikey hair with frosted tips.

2. Must rap.

3. Must whine when not rapping.

4. Must tell people that you're real metal because you listen to Korn and Limp Bizkit.

5. All your lyrics must be about suicide, how shitty your life is and it must be angry.

6. Everyone who has long hair is a hippie and gay.

7. Iron Maiden are not metal, they're "gay 70's/80's shit".

8. Korn are the gods of metal.

9. Manson rules in your book, even though he's shock rock.

10. Must wear baggy ass pants that cover your feet so you can trip over them on stage.

11. If you don't have spikey hair, but rather dreads instead, you fuckin' rule!

12. Must tell people that not only are you "metal" but you're gothic as well.

13. Must insult your fans everytime you're on stage.

14. Must insult your band members everytime you're on stage.

15. Must think every band not on MTV or K-Rock, suck.

16. Must only be popular in the U.S. any place else would be uncivilized.

17. Must praise MTV for giving your shitty band a chance to rake in the dough.

18. Must buy a full length nu metal album just for the one hit wonder. Disregard all other songs.

19. You are only allowed to play 2 chords. Anything higher then 2 means you're too talented for the band.

20. If you don't hop up and down on stage, you suck.

21. When a new trend breaks in and you don't change, you're band is washed up and has always sucked.

22. If your favorite band is no longer popular, you must turn your back on them and make fun of them every chance you get.

23. Must make fun of every band that was popular in the past because they're no longer cool.

24. If you just recently got into In Flames, you're fuckin' bad ass.

25. Must think you're satanic, even though you don't own a satanic bible.

26. Korn's album "Life is Peachy" is so fuckin' satanic.

27. Must like at least one Britney Spears song, and the only reason you like it is because the music video was "gully".

28. When doing an interview you must talk really low, say "like" a lot, and at the same time, talk as if you were raised in the ghetto, even though you're a white boy who lived in a mansion growing up.

29. Must say you love your fans, but the second they download one of your songs off the internet, you tear them a new asshole, because even though you have millions of dollars, your money's more important.

30. Only start a band for the money, not for the love of the music.

31. Metallica are your heroes.

32. Fat John Davis from, Korn is hot and sexy.

33. Fred Durst is bad ass because he mentions his band name in every fuckin' song, but if a band like, Manowar does it, it's not cool.

34. Must worship, Slipknot.

35. You must think Slipknot are the greatest "metal" band on the planet, even if they do suck.

36. Static-X are death metal because they toured with, Morbid Angel. You're not allowed to like them anymore.

37. One hit wonders, Drowning Pool are cool and the lead singer isn't really dead. He's just chillin'.

38. Must like at least one emo punk song. If you don't, you're a loser.

39. MTV is the greatest channel ever.

40. Carson Daly is cool.

41. That fat bald guy on MTV is soooooo metal and you worship his fatness.

42. There's no such thing as the underground.

43. Nu metal is the only metal in existence.

44. Korn's "Shoots and Ladder's" makes you cry.

45. "Shoots and Ladder's" is a power ballad that sooooo rules.

46. WWE Forceable Entry is the greatest "metal" comp. in the world.

47. Must only watch the Resident Evil movie for the music, fuck the games, fuck the story.

48. Life's a bitch.

49. Must like, Rage Against the Machine.

50. Must hate society, the government and the media, but want to be played all over MTV to make a lot of money and play big ass concerts in arena's.

51. Any music before 2001 is old.

52. I Know What You Did Last Summer and all 3 Scream movies are the best "horror" movies out there.

53. Who's Jason Voorhees?

54. You gotta like at least one rap album.

55. You hated, Ozzy Osbourne 5 years ago, but now that the Ozzfest has a band list of nu metal, he's your idol.

56. Must rip off every single "riff" from, Korn and Limp Bizkit, combine them and claim they're yours.

57. If you don't like, Pantera, you're not a bad ass and you're soooo gay.

58. Pantera were never glam, got it?

59. Black metal scares you.

60. Death metal scares you.

61. Power metal makes you fear sharp objects.

62. Glam Rock makes you cream your pants because they sing about parties and sex, but is still "gay 80's shit".

63. Must get into, Quiet Riot because, Manson let them play at a party of his.

64. "Faith" was written by, Fred Durst.

65. You're gay.

66. Anything loud is metal.

67. Must think people fear you, yet in reality, they are laughing at you.

68. Must drink beer just too look cool and then cry when you throw up.

69. Heh, heh, 69.

70. Must wanna fuck, Britney Spears and then steal one of "her" songs.

71. The more you curse, the more bad ass you are.

72. The more you talk about how shitty life is, the cooler you are.

73. Linkin Park are so talented.

74. Staind are cool because they bitch about things. Bitching is cool.

75. Manowar are not the loudest band in the world, Korn are because they're popular and cool.

76. And last but not least, you must be voted the #1 greatest "metal" band of all time in Hit Parader magazine because you had one, ONE, hit and you're extremely bad ass and heavy

 

 

 

Ehhh, I still think the 101 rules of black metal is funnier

[Guest ian.]

Ehhh, I still think the 101 rules of black metal is funnier

 

link?

[Guest MaxPower27]

Some were OK, but mostly it was pretty stupid.

[Guest La Parka Es Mi Papa]

27. Must like at least one Britney Spears song, and the only reason you like it is because the music video was "gully".

 

I must be out of the loop, but what exactly does gully mean?

[Guest redbaron51]

77.

 

Must have an Ibanez or an ESP Guitar, have it D-tuned or C-tuned.

 

78.

 

Soloing is not cool.

[Guest razazteca]

The band must have a DJ or else Fred Durst will kick your ass and yell obscene threats constisting of gay remarks.

[rising up out of the back seat-nuh 0]

77.

 

Must have an Ibanez or an ESP Guitar, have it D-tuned or C-tuned.

 

78.

 

Soloing is not cool.

Solos suck. I dunno why, but lead guitarists get on my nerves right now.

[Guest Shaved Bear]

I just recently heard In Flames recently, but I like their older albums alot better, does that count?

[Guest Steviekick]

These are the one's that apply to me...

 

9. Manson rules in your book, even though he's shock rock.

49. Must like, Rage Against the Machine.

53. Who's Jason Voorhees?

54. You gotta like at least one rap album.

 

 

I guess that means that I am 5% nu metal.

 

Oh well, at least it's not that bad. I don't have a problem with nu metal as a whole, but I hate the scene and the bigger bands in it.

[Guest JMTapes]

63. Must get into, Quiet Riot because, Manson let them play at a party of his.

Funny stuff, but why the comma where you put it in the above sentence and the 20 other places you used it where you didn't need to?

[Guest Red Hot Thumbtack In The Eye]

This is a copy/paste job. My typing ability is about 2 % better than then guy who did this.

[Guest BAR]

Like La Parka said: what does 'gully' mean?

[Guest Red Hot Thumbtack In The Eye]

BAR Posted on Aug 1 2003, 04:29 PM

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Like La Parka said: what does 'gully' mean? 

 

Now that one I cannot explain. I don't want to know though. Remember I abide by the Grim and Necro 101 rules of Black Metal. Knowing so much about popular culture slang would render me un"true".

 

And I refuse to let that happen.

[Guest IDrinkRatsMilk]

According to my sources, "gully" means tough, street, or thuggish. That doesn't seem quite right in this instance though.

[Guest The Amazing Rando]

Britney Spears is so THUG, man....

 

she'd bust a cap in yo ass...

[Guest Red Hot Thumbtack In The Eye]

 

 

Gully? Thug?

[Guest mike mayhem]

Must like Rage Against The Machine

 

Erm...they aint nu-metal

 

Their Funk metal

 

Linkin Park are so talented

 

I like Linkin Park...but there is bands that are better than them

 

I only listen to one NU-Metal band & thats Linkin Park, apart from that I like Funk metal & rock.

 

the rest of the nu metal scene is to depresive for me.

[Guest The Amazing Rando]

 

 

Gully? Thug?

c. Spank Material.

[Guest Red Hot Thumbtack In The Eye]

mike mayhem Posted on Aug 1 2003, 05:09 PM

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

QUOTE 

Must like Rage Against The Machine

 

 

Erm...they aint nu-metal

 

Their Funk metal

 

QUOTE 

Linkin Park are so talented

 

 

I like Linkin Park...but there is bands that are better than them

 

I only listen to one NU-Metal band & thats Linkin Park, apart from that I like Funk metal & rock.

 

the rest of the nu metal scene is to depresive for me. 

 

using funk styling in their rap/metal hybrid only makes them a nu metal band that uses funk styling. The only difference is that they started doing it nearly a decade before most of the others.

Edited August 2, 2003 by Red Hot Thumbtack In The Eye

[Guest IDrinkRatsMilk]

Putting ratm in a list of how to be nu metal would seem to indicate that they aren't nu metal. If they were, it would be assumed that you should like them.

[Guest mike mayhem]

Well Duh! I do like Rage Against The Machine...& the only thing I can say is....dont follow a trend....dont follow a cult, just be yourself

[Guest Red Hot Thumbtack In The Eye]

Just like Rage Against The Machine huh?

[Guest whatitistoburn]

This was funny 2-3 years ago when it was still musically relevant.

[Guest Red Hot Thumbtack In The Eye]

I agree, because we all know that all the Nu-Metal bands were erased off the face of the earth during Ozzfest 2k after getting hit with a large ball of fire. Boy I'm glad I don't have to deal with the likes of Linkin Park et al cloggin up the radio and much music.

[Guest Adrian 3:16]

57. If you don't like, Pantera, you're not a bad ass and you're soooo gay.

I don't know about this one. Most of the Korn/Limp Bizkit/Linkin Park fans I've known either:

 

-don't like Pantera

 

-have never heard Pantera

 

-or would be downright terrified of Pantera.

[Guest whatitistoburn]

I agree, because we all know that all the Nu-Metal bands were erased off the face of the earth during Ozzfest 2k after getting hit with a large ball of fire. Boy I'm glad I don't have to deal with the likes of Linkin Park et al cloggin up the radio and much music.

HOLY CRAP NU-METAL BANDS STILL EXIST????

 

Wow, you know, maybe I'm the only one to notice the rise of poppunk and whatever the fuck you want to call the crap that the White Stripes/Vines/Strokes/Hives play, but let's not pretend this is a few years back when you couldn't spit without hitting someone whining about their parents in drop D.

[Guest whatitistoburn]

57. If you don't like, Pantera, you're not a bad ass and you're soooo gay.

I don't know about this one. Most of the Korn/Limp Bizkit/Linkin Park fans I've known either:

 

-don't like Pantera

 

-have never heard Pantera

 

-or would be downright terrified of Pantera.

Disturbed covers "Walk" live.

 

Everyone knows the words.

[Guest justsoyouknow]

Yes, but Disturbed is actually decent. Their cover of Shout by Tears for Fears is pretty damn entertaining....

 

 

And this list rules the earth, for it mentions Manowar, and anyone who mentions Manowar rules.

 

"The Gods made heavy metal, and they saw that it was good...they said to play it louder than hell, we promised that we would."

 

That's fucking poetry right there. Fuck your Dylan, fuck your Costello, fuck your Morissey, Manowar is where it's at.

[Guest Reservoir_Kitty]

74. Staind are cool because they bitch about things. Bitching is cool.

 

 

 

I hate Staind.

 

I recently went to see Static-X -- why they're touring with Staind, I'll never know -- and left after Lo Pro and Static-X to drive for four hours to get home. Static-X was killer. Mmm, Static-X. Tasty.