Jerry Lawler quotes

[KTID 0]

"I heard that the doctor had to take a needle and drain the fluid from Tommy Dreamer's testicles. Ya know how I know that's a lie? Because Dreamer, you don't have any balls!"

"I had a nightmare that Sunny was my mother ... and I was a bottle baby!"

 

Vince McMahon: "If Owen Hart keeps this sleeper on long enough, it'll cut off all of the oxgen flow to Ahmed's brain, and he would lose consciousness."

Jerry Lawler: "Brain? What brain?"

 

"The Godwinns smell so bad, the paperboy doesn't deliver the paper. Instead, he just calls and tells them the news!"

 

"Jose Lothario - the walking liver spot!"

 

"When Mankind was born, the doctor took one look at his face, and one look at his rear end and said 'My God, Siamese twins!'"

 

"I don't know what the 7 wonders of the world are.....but I know Sunny's got 2 of them."

 

"I couldn't warm up to Andy Kaufman if we were creamated together."

 

Vince McMahon: "Jim, do you know anything about America Online?"

Jim Ross: "No, I'm not exactly computer literate."

Jerry Lawler: "Ross, you're a big speedbump on the information superhighway."

 

"The reason why Disneyland failed in Japan is because no one could ride the rides. Do y'know why? No one over there is over four feet tall!"

 

To Taka Michinoku:"The only reason why you're here is because your home country is over crowded. Did you know in Japan a woman gives birth every 4 seconds? Now I gotta go over there and find that woman and put a stop to this."

 

"Helen Hart's so ugly, you gotta tie a bone around her neck, so the dogs would play with her"

 

"Someone asked Helen Hart to act her age ... and she died!"

 

"Helen and Stu Hart are so old, that they were once nudists ... until they got kicked out of the garden of Eden!"

 

"Oklahoma, home of Jim Ross ... where all the toilets come with drinking straws."

 

To El Unico: "Look at you! You're still wet from swimming across the Rio Grande."

 

"Oklahoma: 200 people - one mind!"

 

"I just saw this guy getting a drink of water ... then the seat fell on his head!"

 

"The Milwaukee Brewers! I think the name speaks for itself ... they're all drunk!"

 

To a fan: "Nice to see you off the streets for a change."

 

Regarding the ECW Arena: "This building oughta be made out of toilet paper ... because there's nothing in it but shit!"

 

"I knew when I saw toilet paper hanging out to dry that I was in Philadelphia."

 

Regarding Philadelphia: "Let me put it this way. If anyone ever wanted to give the world an enema, that's where you would stick the nozzle"

 

Vince McMahon: "King, what do you think of the Mississippi/Alabama area?"

Jerry Lawler: "Oh, I love it. About 6 million people ... with 10 last names."

 

"Helen Hart is the only person I know with an autographed copy of the bible."

 

"Look at her face! It's people like you that turn men into ... well ... people like Goldust."

 

"If the Huckster and The Nacho Man could have a geriatric match, a think we could get Stu Hart and Jose Lothario out here and have a Jurassic park match?"

 

 

"Helen Hart once went into an antique store ... and they kept her!"

 

"Double J is a promising young singer. I just wish he'd promise to stop singing."

 

"McMahon, you don't know anything about music. Your favorite rock group is Mount Rushmore."

 

"Andy Kaufman's mum wanted a girl, his father wanted a boy, and ... well, let's just say that they're both satisfied."

 

"Look at all these idiotic Stone Cold fans. Some of them have even had their heads shaved! If you ask me, they're bald-headed on the inside too."

[Guest Adrian 3:16]

Man what the hell happened to Lawler. He used to be one funny motherfucker back in the day.

 

Here's a few more, both circa early 2000:

 

(when Eddie was sneaking around with the cast and concealing a pipe)

JR: His arm was just fine last week! What's he doing with that cast back on?!

Lawler: You don't know what you're talking about JR, you see this is what we athletes call a recurring injury.

 

(before the Dallas 10 man tag)

Lawler: This isn't fair!

JR: What's not fair about 5 on 5?

Lawler: Uh...uh...... it was agreed to be 5 on 2!