your WWE SMACKDOWN WORKRATE REPORT- 8/14/2003!

[Guest DEAN RASMUSSEN]

It's been a big day of wrestling. I took the Rasmussen Youth to the NWA-VA show for the kids at the Blackwell Community Center and it rocked. Preston Quinn was SOO Evil Jerry Lawler in 1979. It was great. Now I gotta talk about this Sports Entertainment bullshit. Al Wilson continues next week.

 

WHAT WORKED-

 

- Rey Rey and zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz........

 

- Ooooo, the lesser of the quadrahumping tagteam takes on the lesser of Lost Shiniqua Steals Benoit From Nancy Shootangle Tagteam. And it's over before I can even finish the set-up for the joke. The Bashams hold Torrie in terror while Shaniqua comes in and bodyslams her. Noble and Nidia make the Malenko-like save. And I wonder if Torrie and Nidia have it in them to form Reverse-Whorulon that would spray hideous and stinging discharge from it's suddenly RIGHTEOUS and HEROIC cooters? A kind and decent Whorulon that would coat Shiniqua and the Bashams in a silky oozing cocoon created by the spew blowing out of it's Mothra-like twin coochie? The counter beatdown doesn't allow us to find out. Shaniqua does such a cool powerbomb that Cole uses the word "damn" awkwardly twice in the same sentence. It was like those cool assed powerbombs that Riot useta do in WOW. Riot.... God, I'd be tagging that right now instead of talking to you freaks.

 

- APA have a VIGNETTE~! Ron Simmons reinforces his beautifully professed love of masturbation by admiring the work of Larry Flynt. There are no clubbing forearms. The forearms- they do not club. Bradshaw- who probably knows about the inner sphincter of all the WWE Superstars from a thousand shower hazings in a thousand nights- says Shaniqua is Shelton Benjamin. He would know better than anyone. I'm just here in Richmond. What the hell do I know? I do know that we saw forearms, but we did not see them clubbing. Revel in the joy of the forearms that have not clubbed.

 

- UT is now officially the Tatsumi Fujinami of WWE. He takes a dated and archaic style and says, "Fuck it, I'm gonna wrestle like it's 1978. I'm gonna work on a body part, tell a story that deals with a backstory that goes back through my personal history and I'm gonna sell and my opponent is going to have to sell." UT matches are the MUGA matches of North America and it has turned UT into a wrestler that I suddenly give a shit about. He carries Big Show to a match that was psychologically better than the wildly bizzarrely good Big Show matches with Lesnar and Angle. What Undertaker needs to do now is find a midcard superworker to be his Osamu Nishimura- the younger carrier of the flame. The match at hand becomes superfucking great when they get into the crowd and they actually have to stop pulling punches. The finish was annoyingly 1978. UT suddenly rules and I now understand why.

 

- THUS SPAKE EDDY, "Well Whoop-de-dingdong, it's the rapid wolverine!" Benoit comes up and makes with the comedy jokes. WHERE IS THE LOVE, EDDY? Benoit can smash watermelons with a sledgehammer and I would laugh because it would always lead up to a match I'd want to see. Rhyno and Tajiri are great in the ring together. Rhyno is good at making Tajiri's offense look all effective and what not. Rhyno hits a 3/4 Shaniqua powerbomb and Tajiri wins after Rhyno can't GORE GORE GORE GORE GORE. Eddy says, "I love you" to Benoit. I'm not sure if he means it though. Benoit wants a ride. Benoit does a very credible impersonation of Phil Schneider on a roadtrip-"C'MON EDDY! LET'S GO! FUCKEM! LET'S GO! What the fuck is this shit on the stereo? WHAT THE FUCK! LET'S GO!" Eddy freaks out because he's assuming that Benoit will want to cruise the strip for hours on end and pick fights with Navy guys. Eddy says "fuck all that" and bales. I can dig it, young Eddy, my brothah.

 

- Vince tries to purge his soul of the XFL and WBF by having Spanky get killed by Brock Lesnar- what with the Endless Powerbomb and everything. I'm gonna purge my soul of my college girlfriend who broke my heart by chasing one of my dogs with a chair. Vince is onto something here. NEXT WEEK: My failed art career! Look out, lil doggie!

 

WHAT DIDn'T WORK-

 

- They keep replaying the Brock heel turn and I guess they are hoping that one of these times it won't suck as much shit. The opening goes on for a while. I wish they would stick this in the middle of the show so I could write a longer Al Wilson Segment. EN LIEU, they put me to sleep early as Vince McMahon goes on and on and on and on and on. Hey, Evil Brock is almost as lame as Heroic Angle. Brock recites things really well this time out- in a best possible Lex Luger On The STICK kind of way. Stephanie calls Sable a cum-guzzlin' spooge-depository. Stephanie calls her dad a shriveled penised leathery-stripper-spraying old pervert. Vince plugs Scott Keith's book and then announces Stephanie vs A-Train and YOU SHOULD HAVE STOPPED WATCHING AND GOTTEN ON WITH YOUR LIVES. I, your heroic and loving workrate reporter, HAVE to watch this shit. I have an excuse.

 

- Cole says "pound and ground" again. Hey, maybe Cena is UT's Osamu Nishimura- as Cena feigns selling last weeks shoulder and everything. That doesn't bode well for the US Muga movement because Cena is no Nishimura. Squashing the one legged man didn't help anyone. Oh WAIT! MATT MOTHERFUCKING HARDY RUNS IN AND KILLS GOWAN! This works. Almost. HE'S A BULLY! a lowlife BULLY! FUCK YEAH!

 

- A-Train corners Stephanie and A-Train professes his love for her. He walks away and Stephanie is scared- scared of a new feeling deep in her heart, deep in her womanly things.

 

- The Main Event rolls up at 9:55 and Vince talks about what a mess there is going to be in the ring. He announces Sabel to ref a match between a silicon crammed woman and hairy stinky overweight man. I'm assuming that the mess will be 37 year old virgins toasting pungent loads over their Harlan Ellison first editions right into the Hardees Battlestar Galactica Ceylon Collector glasses. The match itself was pretty pointless. UT makes a run-in but gets taken out like a punk. Post match, Vince takes one for the team by Freedom kissing Sable over the writhing body of his daughter. This show is just fucking icky.

 

THERE YOU HAVE IT.

 

DEAN RASMUSSEN.

 

(I'm kidding. That Rey Rey match ruled. Misterio plus Shelton and Charlie is wrestling gold. Kidman couldn't even ruin it.)

[starvenger 0]

Damn, a Riot reference. Wonder what the lovely Miss Littlejohn is doing now...

[AndrewTS 0]

And I wonder if Torrie and Nidia have it in them to form Reverse-Whorulon that would spray hideous and stinging discharge from it's suddenly RIGHTEOUS and HEROIC cooters? A kind and decent Whorulon that would coat Shiniqua and the Bashams in a silky oozing cocoon created by the spew blowing out of it's Mothra-like twin coochie?

 

 

Nothing I can add to that, sir.

 

Hey, Evil Brock is almost as lame as Heroic Angle.

 

BOOO!! I'm liking Evil Brock except for the part involving Vince.

 

Brock recites things really well this time out- in a best possible Lex Luger On The STICK kind of way. Stephanie calls Sable a cum-guzzlin' spooge-depository. Stephanie calls her dad a shriveled penised leathery-stripper-spraying old pervert.

 

Well, when she's right...

 

Benoit wants a ride. Benoit does a very credible impersonation of Phil Schneider on a roadtrip-"C'MON EDDY! LET'S GO! FUCKEM! LET'S GO! What the fuck is this shit on the stereo? WHAT THE FUCK! LET'S GO!" Eddy freaks out because he's assuming that Benoit will want to cruise the strip for hours on end and pick fights with Navy guys. Eddy says "fuck all that" and bales. I can dig it, young Eddy, my brothah.

 

Eddy and Benoit are wrestling saviors ring-wise and entertainment wise. Bless you, gentlemen.

 

Benoit can smash watermelons with a sledgehammer and I would laugh because it would always lead up to a match I'd want to see

 

A Gallagher reference?! Well, I think he's one of the mofos running for California governor...but man, how many of us little punks you think really get that reference? If it weren't for Comedy Central re-airing 10+ year old Gallagher specials I'd still be scratching my head about it.

[Guest DEAN RASMUSSEN]

I just wanted to write "Righteous and heroic cooters".

 

DEAN.

[Guest DEAN RASMUSSEN]

Damn, a Riot reference.  Wonder what the lovely Miss Littlejohn is doing now...

I heard she was doing a stunt show in Europe.

 

Young Doug Corti sent me a tape of the COMPLETE WORK OF RIOT and it's TRULY more pants-destroying than you remember.

 

DEAN.

[AndrewTS 0]

If they absorbed Stephanie, would Reverse-Whorulon tranform into Fat Reverse-Whorulon?

 

"- Cole says "pound and ground" again. Hey, maybe Cena is UT's Osamu Nishimura- as Cena feigns selling last weeks shoulder and everything. That doesn't bode well for the US Muga movement because Cena is no Nishimura. Squashing the one legged man didn't help anyone. Oh WAIT! MATT MOTHERFUCKING HARDY RUNS IN AND KILLS GOWAN! This works. Almost. HE'S A BULLY! a lowlife BULLY! FUCK YEAH!"

 

I thought the squash was okay--it's at least more fun to watch than squashing a two-legged jobber. But yeah, it does nothing for anyone, but Matt-Gowen would be pretty entertaining to me for some odd reason.

[Guest DEAN RASMUSSEN]

If they absorbed Stephanie, would Reverse-Whorulon tranform into Fat Reverse-Whorulon?

 

"- Cole says "pound and ground" again. Hey, maybe Cena is UT's Osamu Nishimura- as Cena feigns selling last weeks shoulder and everything. That doesn't bode well for the US Muga movement because Cena is no Nishimura. Squashing the one legged man didn't help anyone. Oh WAIT! MATT MOTHERFUCKING HARDY RUNS IN AND KILLS GOWAN! This works. Almost. HE'S A BULLY! a lowlife BULLY! FUCK YEAH!"

 

I thought the squash was okay--it's at least more fun to watch than squashing a two-legged jobber. But yeah, it does nothing for anyone, but Matt-Gowen would be pretty entertaining to me for some odd reason.

I so don't want to think about what the Fat Reverse Whorulon would spew.

 

And Gowan vs Matt will be pretty entertaining because MATT MOTHERFUCKING HARDY FUCKING RULES!

 

DEAN.

[iggymcfly 0]

I give Dean a big thumbs up here. Undertaker matches are tons of fun, and anyone who disagrees can suck my dick.

[Internet Warfare 0]

If anyone has the tape, rewatch the Gown-Cena match. I think somewhere during Cena's offense Tazz said he "represents American strongstyle", or something like that