Hilarious

[MrRant 0]

Reality check

 

By Patrick Hruby

Special to ESPN Gamer

 

"If it's in the game, it's in the game."

 

 

So goes the slogan for EA Sports, maker of Madden football, NBA Live basketball and a host of other sports video games. And sure enough, recent sports simulations have become increasingly, almost disturbingly, true-to-life -- a far cry from the monochromatic X's and O's of Atari Football, let alone the unstoppable "Philadelphia QB #12" of the original Madden.

 

 

That said, there's still room for improvement.

 

 

It's hard to beat the realism of a LaDainian Tomlinson forearm to the face, but we have some ideas.

 

 

In fact, a closer look at the 2003 crop of football games -- college and pro -- reveals not only how far the realism has come, but also how far the games still have to go when it comes to recreating every aspect of the sport. And we do mean every aspect.

 

 

With that in mind, ESPN Gamer examines the key features in this year's games -- and offers suggestions on how to make them even more realistic next time around:

 

Madden 2004

Made by: EA Sports

 

Key Features: The granddaddy of football games boasts a brand-new "Owner Mode" that lets gamers run their virtual NFL franchises from top to bottom, even setting the price of stadium hot dogs.

 

Reality Check:

1) If users have the freedom to raise and lower the price of stadium beer, they also should be free to purchase and install stadium urinal cakes.

 

2) Allow users to build a new stadium only if they can sucker their virtual municipality into footing the bill.

 

3) During contract negotiations, have virtual players hold out for more money because "Jesus said so." Likewise, have the signing of certain free agents -- such as, say, Jeff George -- result in a slow erosion of overall team attributes, followed by an outright revolt in the virtual locker room.

 

4) Revamp owner mode budget to include category for optional cosmetic facial surgery (Dallas Cowboys only).

 

5) With clever front-office maneuvering and sufficient control pad dexterity, the Arizona Cardinals can be remade into a competent, even competitive unit. Glitches like this need to be fixed.

 

NCAA Football 2004

Made by: EA Sports

 

Key Features: Madden's college cousin boasts the most in-depth "Dynasty Mode" in the business, giving gamers the opportunity to recruit blue-chip prospects and build a campus powerhouse over a series of seasons.

 

Reality Check:

1) Just before bowl season, have users take spurious "oral exams" in order to keep star running back eligible. Possible exam topics: music, golf, AIDS awareness.

 

2) Rework virtual crowd so that rowdy, inebriated fans tear down goal posts, rush the field and get into brawls with the opposing team's mascot. Also, add a wet sheen to player uniforms, the better to simulate SEC crowds tossing Ziploc bags filled with urine at the visiting team.

 

3) Offseason recruiting would be much improved with the addition of "He Got Game"-esque campus visits (schools in Florida and Southern California should receive extra recruiting points).

 

4) Conference realignment occurs with the press of a button -- as opposed to a series of tedious meetings and threatened virtual lawsuits.

 

5) Create-a-Player is nice. Create-a-Booster would be nicer.

 

ESPN NFL Football

Made by: Sega Sports

 

Key Features: In-game presentation is modeled after a real-life ESPN Sunday Night Football broadcast. That means cutaway shots to virtual cheerleaders and fans; ESPN-style overlays and highlights; even pre- and-postgame shows hosted by Chris "Boomer" Berman, who recorded over 4,000 lines of commentary for the game.

 

Reality Check:

1) In real life, Berman is at least 50 percent more bombastic.

 

2) "ESPN-style" pregame presentation needs to include a perpetual loop of network promos for "Playmakers," "Around the Horn" and "Beg, Borrow and Deal."

 

3) Have Mel Kiper Jr. record approximately 10,000 lines of commentary for virtual offseason NFL draft -- 9,950 of those about players you won't remember the next week.

 

4) Following big losses, Berman should open postgame SportsCenter by stating, "ESPN's John Clayton is reporting ... that you got owned!" followed by Sterling Sharpe breaking down why, exactly, you have no game.

 

5) Sideline cheerleaders need scarier, painted-on faces and bigger virtual breasts; along the same lines, a fan cutaway shot just isn't a fan cutaway shot without a virtual Darth Raider.

 

NFL GameDay 2004

Made by: 989 Sports (Sony)

 

Key Features: New player models that "recreate NFL stars in intricate, unparalleled detail"; authentic NFL playbooks designed so that teams play exactly like their real-life counterparts; realistic defensive line swim and spin moves; wide receiver "hot routes"; an interactive crowd that responds differently to short, medium and long plays.

 

Reality Check:

1) New player models or otherwise, virtual Gilbert Brown doesn't look fat enough.

 

2) "Authentic" Houston Texans playbook should include more "take the sack" and "throw the ball away" plays.

 

3) Give offensive linemen their own set of true-to-life moves, like thinly-disguised jujitsu holds and the cut block.

 

4) Virtual Randy Moss should sometimes ignore user hot route commands. After all, the real-life Randy doesn't play for anyone but Randy.

 

5) Tweak interactive crowd so that it reacts to blown calls by hurling half-empty beer bottles at the virtual referees (Cleveland only).

 

NFL Fever 2004

Made by: Microsoft Game Studios

 

Key Features: In a video game console first, Fever offers gamers the chance to set up and compete in their own online leagues via Microsoft's XSN service. Through XSN, gamers can track stats, box scores and even other gamers' play calling tendencies over the Internet. Fever also features "Read-and-Lead" passing, which lets gamers throw to a spot on the field as opposed to a specific receiver.

 

Reality Check:

1) Force users to pay exorbitant expansion fee in order to join online league.

 

2) Have XSN offer weekly, league-wide injury reports, the better to facilitate real-time point spreads (these leagues include gambling, don't they?)

 

3) Fine users/league members for failing to interview black head coaching candidates during virtual offseason.

 

4) When playing with certain virtual quarterbacks -- for instance, Washington's Danny Wuerffel -- replace "Read-and-Lead" passing system with "Chuck-N-Duck."

 

5) Los Angeles-based gamers should not be allowed to join an XSN league. After all, everybody knows that L.A. doesn't need or want an NFL franchise.

 

Patrick Hruby is a sportswriter with the Washington Times and a contributor to ESPN.com's Page 2. You can contact him at [email protected].

 

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4) Following big losses, Berman should open postgame SportsCenter by stating, "ESPN's John Clayton is reporting ... that you got owned!" followed by Sterling Sharpe breaking down why, exactly, you have no game.

 

I would buy the game just for that.

[Guest Sturgis]

Reality Check:

1) Just before bowl season, have users take spurious "oral exams" in order to keep star running back eligible. Possible exam topics: music, golf, AIDS awareness.

 

 

rush the field and get into brawls with the opposing team's mascot. Also, add a wet sheen to player uniforms, the better to simulate SEC crowds tossing Ziploc bags filled with urine at the visiting team.

That review wasgoing just fine until I saw that, I mean ARE THEY FUCKIN' SERIOUS?

 

let alone the unstoppable "Philadelphia QB #12" of the original Madden.

(Sony)

 

Could somebdy please explain this?

[Corey_Lazarus 0]

Sutrgis, I think it was obvious after the "urinal cake" comment that this is pretty much a joke...

[Guest Choken One]

sturgis took this too seriously...Scarcastic Colums are lost on some people

[Rendclaw 0]

Randall Cunningham in the original Madden game was unstoppable.

[Mole 0]

Owens is unstoppable in Madden 2004.

[Guest Choken One]

Owens? I knock that little pussy down as JASON FN SEHORN!

 

That's NOT unstopable...Know who is the Shit? Jevon Kearse. I racked like 7 Sacks on Pittsburgh just the other day...

[KingPK 0]

Funny stuff, but I can add one more for the pro games:

 

Post-game press confrences with coaches and players, where frustrated recievers can cuss after missing that surefire TD, with a secret "Mora Nutty" mode (including his famous "Playoffs!?" tirade). Option to skip ones featuring Bill Belichick, unless you need a good sleeping aid.

[Toshiaki Koala 0]

It's hard to beat the realism of a LaDainian Tomlinson forearm to the face, but we have some ideas.

LaDainian? LADAINIAN? LADAINIAN!!? That's like stamping the word "failure" on your child's forehead. I know he's probably making lots of money, but really. Come on, now.

[Guest Choken One]

I dunno...I see more Janitors named Steve or Jack then Ladainian...