OAOAST HeldDOWN~! 9/11/03

[Zack Malibu 0]

OAOAST HeldDOWN~!

 

 

Brought to you this week by Pepto Bismol. When something RAW makes your stomach churn, take Pepto Bismol.

 

Here are our hosts, they are two wild and cah-razy guys...

 

 

MC:"Hello fans, and welcome, to the show that wrestling fans worldwide say is better than sex with Britney Spears..."

 

Coach:"Now that's a lie Cole. Everyone knows wrestling fans don't have sex."

 

MC:"No, wrestling fans know that YOU don't have sex, there's a difference."

 

Coach:"Puh-leeze. What about the female demographic. Do you really think any of them want to...have...sex...with (heavy panting, as Coach is excited now) Britney Spears?"

 

MC:"Hey, Madonna's a wrestling fan."

 

*Coach faints*

 

MC:"Now that I've shut him up, let's check out the rundown for tonights show, not to be confused with The Rundown starring Christopher Walken, Seann William Scott, and that guy who ditched the sport that made him for Hollywood. Tonight we'll see a match that was set for License To Pin, but didn't take place due to other obligations. It pits Northstar, the man formerly known as Shattered Dreams, against our very own HeldDOWN~! GM Tim Moysey in a 24/7 Title match that Northstar says will be competed under his rules! Also..."

 

*Cole looks down at Coach, who is still out cold, with a grin stretched across his face.*

 

MC:"Sorry folks, I've got to revive him. Just stay tuned. HEY, can we get someone to give him mouth to mouth? Where's Josh Matthews?"

[Zack Malibu 0]

Backstage, Calvin Szechstein, the OAOAST World Title draped over his shoulders, is pacing back and forth, chit-chatting on a cell phone.

 

CS:"Why yes, I can hear you now. It's much too kind of you to send all of Totally Endorsed free cell phones. Now, as per the arrangement, we'll have cardboard cutouts of us in the windows of every Verizon Wireless in the US, as long as you remember to add on long distance fees at no extra charge. Being that we're going to see the world in style since I'm the aptly named World Champion, I..."

 

Calvin turns around, and is face to face with the man he won the title from. After an absence last week, ZACK MALIBU is staring Calvin in the eyes, and the crowd, seeing this scene on the AngleTron, pops HUGE. Calvin does a fearful gulp that Vince McMahon would envy. Candie is at Zack's side.

 

ZM:"Hey, Calvin."

 

CS:"Mr. Malibu, how are you, my friend?"

 

Calvin, with false sincerity, extends a hand to Zack. Zack looks down, and quickly looks back up. He knows better than to take his eyes off of Calvin.

 

CS:"OK, Zachary. Get it out of your system. What do you want."

 

ZM:"You know what I want."

 

CS:"Oh...(pats title belt)...this, right? Get in line, pal. They come at you from all directions when you have this thing. I mean I've got guys on IZ, this kid Axel beat me in a non-title match last week, you know being a fighting champion is TOUGH. But you'd know all about that, wouldn't you, Zack? There's just one difference. I don't let it get to me. I don't let my emotions get involved with my workrate. You wear your heart on your sleeve, pandering to the fans, the suits, and whatever bimbo decides to surgically attach herself to your arm on a given day."

 

Calvin leers at Candie, who scowls back at her former employer.

 

ZM:"Calvin, you've got a big mouth, and an even bigger ego, moreso since you got one over on me. I haven't made any excuses, hell I had to take a week off because you tried to hang me at AngleSlam. You showed no remorse. You showed that when dealing with you there could be no limits. Chalk it up to experience. It's not going to happen again."

 

CS:"Indeed it's not, Zack. Not for a while, at least that's the way I see it."

 

ZM:"What was that?"

 

CS:"Zack, have you gone back and watched our match from AngleSlam? That match was like a metaphor for your entire OAOAST career! Everytime you're near the top of the ladder, you CHOKE."

 

Zack starts fuming. Candie keeps him from losing his cool, telling Zack "this is what he wants".

 

CS:"And I'm what you want, babe. Don't deny it. As for you, Malibu, you had your run. Mr. Company Savior, Mr. Ultimate Good Guy, Mr. Hero, that era is over. It's time for Armani suits to be worn, for aged champagne to flow freely. Calvin Szechstein has rejuvenated this company. You, on the other hand, need to climb the ladder all over again, and we know how good you are at that, now, don't we?"

 

Calvin snidely smirks, then turns away, ignoring Zack and Candie and talking on his cell phone. The camera pans in on Zack, with Candie looking up at him, as we cut to commercial.

[Zack Malibu 0]

Michael Cole is sitting at the announce table, while Coachman has been propped up in his chair, his head leaning back as he's still zonked out.

 

MC:"Folks I assure you, his condition has nothing to do with the show tonight. It's great to see Zack back, but right now we're gonna head to the ring, as one of Calvin's new cohorts in Totally Endorsed, Sly Summers, takes on Crystal!"

 

Coach:"Cry...Crys...CRYSTAL!"

 

Coachman's head shoots forward, as he's suddenly awakened.

 

MC:"I should have KNOWN that would do the trick. To think we almost had Josh come out and give you mouth to mouth."

 

Coach:"You almost had Josh do WHAT?"

 

("All You Wanted" starts up, and out walks Sly, wearing a crimson-and-grey version of a suit shirt (suit drawn on a shirt. He doesn't bother dancing too much, but he's got the mic, and when he gets to the ring, he uses it.)

 

SLY: Now, last week, "Part One" in my multi-episode mini-series, exploring the true drama behind when ungrateful women decide to rebel against the men whose seed are the reason why they can have babies. I promised I'd show all of you my new marketing plan to get those advertisers for the teenage boy demo to buy ad time, and I'm delivering! Mr. Production Guy, please put on the screen what I asked! (a pub photo of Crystal in her ring gear appears on the screen) Here's that evil wench Crystal....a totally bad person, but her hoo-ha's and her obtuse caboose apparently make my target demo tingly in naughty places, which means they'll watch our show to feel tingly, which means they'll see the ads from the people who buy time from us. However, I have a plan to get even MORE hornballs to tune in, which means MORE advertising money will come our way! Play the next slide! (Now the screen shows Crystal's face on the body of a woman wearing a bikini) Now, I apologize for the quality, as Photoshop kept messing up here, but, as you see, even I'm starting to....(covers up down below) get tingly, which means our target demo will watch more and more often if she dresses this way, which means EVEN MORE money will be paid by our target advertisers to get their products exposure. To recap, Crystal's "diamonds" get exposed more, our advertisers' products get exposed more. Their stuff gets exposed more, I...I mean, Totally Endorsed, rakes in more money...which leads me to tonight. See, our "esteemed" *coughRodBeldingLikeSleezebagcough* commish has decided to let Crystal get her BUTT get handed to her again by myself. Since I'm gonna get bored destroying her like Deering got bored destroying Muncie in the 2000 Indiana State High School Basketball Playoffs, but this being without the upset win due to cockiness, I've decided to have my lawyers add a stipulation. If I lose...and trust me, these shoulders that your girlfriend wants to rest her thighs on; they WON'T be pinned to the mat....I must wrestle Crystal AGAIN next week, but, disgracing myself and all of those people like me by wearing a Valley basketball jersey! And, yes, it WILL be one of those totally cool "throwbacks" all the kids in our demo seem to be wearing these days. But, WHEN I win, Crystal has to, from now on, wear something like the bikini get-up displayed, week in and week out! It's money! Now, Crystal, are you happy now? Get out here!

 

("Just a Girl" starts, and Crystal wastes no time by running to the ring!)

 

She connects with a flurry of rights to the side of Sly's skull. She then whips him to the ropes, and connects with an impressive high dropkick. As Sly struggles to get up, Crystal goes to the ring apron. When he dizzily gets up, she springboards, and connects with an amazing hurricanrana, sending Sly to the outside. While she celebrates her destruction of Sly thus far, Josh Matthews attempts to sneak into the ring, and sneak-attack her. But, she turns around in time to nail him with a right cross, and clothesline him over the top rope, to the floor. While Crystal plays to the crowd, Sly pulls something out from the bottom of the ring. He then tosses something into the ring. It turns out to be an authentic smelly gym sock from Screech's locker! The referee is knocked out by the wretched odor. Crystal gets a whiff, but she simply plugs her nose. As Sly sneaks back into the ring, he slides a flat piece of board (or something) into the ring. He grabs it, but she tries to attack him from behind. Using his few and varied instincts, Sly swings behind his head, and breaks the board and glass over Crystal's skull. We get a good look at it....and yes, it is a commemorative poster of Artie....the STRONGEST MAN, in the WORLD~!, signed by the man himself. Sly sweeps the ring, and cradles Crystal up, as the referee turns around...1....2.....3!

 

COACH: My goodness, that little bastard....

 

MC: Yeah, he had the AUDACITY to destroy a poster signed by ARTIE! I searched for years on eBay for that...

 

COACH: Will you stop it?

 

When Sly gets to his own senses, Josh crawls into the ring, and they parade around girlishly over Crystal's prone body. Sly then grabs the mic....

 

SLY: I'll tell you...(cough)...what, girly! Next week, if Josh is up for it (Josh nods), us two, versus you and some mystery dude. Knowing you, it'll end up being some jobber like that Pinski dude that replaced Michael on Salute Your Shorts. I'm doing this just so we can parade around our NEW hit in our key demographic. And you know what happens when we get a hit in our demo?

 

JM: Chicken Pot Pie?

 

SLY: No, man...though I could go for some right now. MONEY! And then...we could go to a water slide or something. Heck, I'm so confident that she's out for good, and her partner will suck, that...if me and Josh lose...I'll part ways with my sidekick here!

 

JM: But, where will I go?

 

SLY: Don't worry, dude. I got it all covered. I got enough fury from this be....be....be....THING, ruining my swank Artie...the STRONGEST MAN... (Josh joins in)...in the WORLD! poster to take her out 46,478.324, divided by 34, multiplied by 357, carry the 4...times. Now, Josh, let's go....TO THE MAX!

 

MC: Did you hear that, Coach?

 

COACH: Nah, I was listening to my walkman...Sly bought me a Bayside Glee Club CD for my birthday. (singy-songy voice)....It seems like only yesterday we started; but soon we'll put away our books and pens....

 

MC: And I'm the idiot in this team....?!?!? Anyway, next week, Sly "The Sly" Summers and Josh Matthews, our BROADCAST COLLEAGUE, will face Crystal, and whatever partner she can convince to team with her. Here's the catch: Sly and Josh lose; they split up forever. But, Crystal will definately be at a disadvantage, since she not only will have the obvious injuries she must have suffered from the picture shot tonight, but the costumes Sly will pick out for her will probably not be comfortable to work in, and chances are will affect her game.

 

COACH: (singing while listening to CD)....Soon, Bayside, you'll just be a memory....

 

MC: Whatever. More after this.

[Zack Malibu 0]

(Ted Weddy, Gary Busey and J-Train BURST into Tim Moysey's office! Before Moysey can react, Weddy SLAMS him up against the wall and starts choking him!)

 

TEDDY:

WHAT'S DIS SHIIIT!? WHAT'S DIS BULLLLL-SHIT!?

 

MOYSEY:

*hack* Ted, what *blargh* are you talkin' about? *cough*

 

TEDDY:

I KEEP GETTIN' SCREWED LIKE A SAIGON WHORE SINCE I'VE BEEN HERE MOOOOYYYSEY! FUCKIN' AXHOLE OR WHATEVER GETS ON THE PAY-PER-VIEW AND NOT THE PRRRESIDENT?! YOU FUCKED ME OUT OF THE PAY-PER-VIEW LAST TIME TOO! YOU FUCKED ME OUT OF BEING IN THE 24-SSSSEEVEN BATTLE ROYAL TOO!

 

MOYSEY:

*garf* Ted, you were sniffing gas fumes *spew* in the boiler room *thwb* during the battle royal!

 

(*THWACK* J-Train pimp slaps Tim Moysey.)

 

J-TRAIN:

SHOW SOME RESPECT! TED WEDDY IS THE REALLY REAL, YOU FEEL! A YOUNG SMOKEY JOE FRAZIER, A YOUNG CASSIUS CLAY! THE KING OF THE CON-CRETE JUN-GLE! BEEA! BEEA!

 

TEDDY:

Don' matta homeslice, my dreeeam of being 24-SSSSEVEN chamPION will come to FROOO-ition soon, you better believe that I'm gonna kick WHOREthstar's ass! BUT FOR NOW, MOOOYYYYSEY, YOU BETTER MAKE THIS UP TO ME, OR ELSE I'M GONNA MAKE YOU TOSS MY SALAD!

 

MOYSEY:

*burp* Don't worry Ted, *gasp* I'll figure something out. *fart*

 

TEDDY:

GOOD!

(Ted drops Moysey as he collapses on the floor gasping for air.)

 

GARY BUSEY:

Hey Ted, wanna go cross-dress in Reno?

 

TEDDY AND J-TRAIN!

HELLLL YEAH!

 

(The Odd Squad depart as Moysey gets up, still short of breath pulls himself back to his feet- and pukes.)

 

Coach:"Tim's got a match later on, and these guys made him sick!"

 

MC:"I think it's the thought of having to roll around the ring with Northstar."

 

Coach:"I think it's the thought of having his best announcer kissed by a Tough Enough reject turned teen show sidekick."

 

MC:"Hey, I didn't WANT him to."

 

Coach:"Yeah, sure. You and your homoeroticism have NO PLACE on this show. NONE!"

 

MC:"Done now?"

 

Coach:(breathes deeply)"Yes".

 

MC:"Good, because I'm sure what Axel has to say is more important that your hate crimes. Let's go to Axel in the back."

 

 

 

*Axel is in the back sitting on a speaker box, with somewhat of a new sinister look, black face paint under his eyes, the normal full length Leather coat, black gloves, holding a black baseball bat, with the Revolution Trophy beside him*

 

Axel: Welcome to my world. Last week was the greatest moment of my career. I pinned Calvin Szechstein, the OAOAST World Heavyweight Champion, one on one, clean. You had better watch your back Calvin, because there are a lot of guys that want that belt on your shoulder.

 

Tonight we see the Dream Machines versus Totally Endorsed. Calvin, Colvid, you attacked me last week after my match. The Dream Machines saved me from the attack, and I thank them. Parka, PK, I owe you guys one.

 

To those who oppose me, There are nine gates between life and death, and I promise to send you beyond the Ninth Gate!

 

I am powerful, I am immortal, I can do anything, I am cursed, I am the Darkness. No one should ever forget that. I will do anything possible to reach my goal of being the man around here, wearing that big gold belt around my waist.

 

Tonight, it will happen. I have been guaranteed that it will happen by the keeper of my darkness. Those who have pushed in front of me will feel my wrath. I am the dark demon in OAOAST; I am the one who deserves a shot at the belt. And it will happen, I am assured of it.

 

Tonight, I guarantee, that someone will feel the pain, taste the pain, and when its all said and done, I will make them like the damn pain.

 

*Axels eyes roll up into the back of his head, he stands up and smashes the baseball bat into a wooden crate, leaving a big hole*, as we fade to black.*

[Zack Malibu 0]

Coach:"To think, that guy could be OAOAST Champion right now. We know he's capable, but if he's freaking us out like that, I can imagine what he's doing to Calvin."

 

MC:"All about intimidation, Cole."

 

Coach:"It's funny, we might be HeldDOWN~!, but definitely not in the literal sense. Many of our young stars are shining through. Calvin Szechstein, an OAOAST rookie, is the World Champion. The Dream Machines, two guys who got rolling as the main team on HeldDOWN~!, are the World Tag Team Champions. Ragdoll, Sly, Crystal, all capable competitors. 2003 has been a hell of a year, and in the last few months of it, I'm sure we'll see the limits pushed even further."

 

MC:"Speaking of rookies that have made an impact, we've got Mad Matt standing by. Take it away guys!"

 

Mad Matt is sitting on a folding chair in an almost empty lockeroom. He seems to be reflecting on the past few weeks before speaking.

 

Mad Matt:AngleSlam, things that were beyond my control happened. I didn't win the X Title. I didn't lose but I didn't win either. The stipulation in the contract for no more title shots states that If I was pinned or forced to submit, I would get no more title shots. However that didn't happen. I was knocked out. By some very dubious means I might add. I am still the number one contender fo the X Title.

 

Mad Matt looks into the camera.

 

Mad Matt:That little tramp, Josie, bashed me over the head over my head with a fucking pipe. Guess what ladies and gentlemen. Another concussian. Yes another one. You think that is going to stop me. No of course not. I still have a duty to fulfill. I will teach Ragdoll the pain and agony. I knew in the back of my mind something like this might happen. I however didn't voice my objections, because most would brush as me being paranoid. However it happened.

 

Mad Matt gets up and paces around.

 

Mad Matt:Last week, it that very ring. I tried to get some revenge on Ragdoll. I laid him out with the Shadow of Madness. I laid out Melanie too. I attempt to get my hands on Josie but BOOM Decapitation. Guess what? If you guessed my third concussian in four months, you are right. This one was minor but still all these concussians can not do good.

 

Mad Matt then pauses as if thinking about how to phrase his next words.

 

Mad Matt:Dirty Deeds. Only on PPV. Stairway to Hell. The X Title. My obession. My destiny hanging above the ring. This is what it's all about. I am going to finally make Ragdoll pay. The end shall justify the means. All the injuries, all the broken bones. The X Title, once again as I said back before Angleslam is a side benefit. Actually I am now obssessed with beating Ragdoll and taking the X Title. I cannot lie there. I nearly took my career, I will take his title and leave him a battered shell of his former self. And Josie. You got interfered once. Do not tempt fate again? There is a Shadow of Madness reserved just for you. Beware of the Shadows of Madness, they shift when you are not looking. And beware of me. I could be lurking in any dark corner, any closet, anywhere in the arena. So Ragdoll, Josie, whoever else decides it would be a cute idea to jump me, watch your step next time you walk down a dark hallway.

 

(Commercial Break)

[Zack Malibu 0]

Cole: Folks, it's time for a match that was supposed to happen two weeks ago!

 

Coach: What are you implying?

 

Cole: Nothing! I'm just trying to say that the Northstar, Tim Moysey match was supposed to happen two weeks ago and it never did.

 

Coach: And? And, mother fucker!? AND?!!

 

Cole: And what?

 

Coach: And you think Northstar is a pussy licking bitch who took his ball and went home because he's afraid of Tim Moysey? That's it, ain't it?

 

Cole: You're words, weirdo. Northstar's going to whup your BUTT.

 

Coach: Me and Northstar are tight, I helped him come up with the rules for this match.

 

Cole: There are only two rules, you can't leave the ring and you can't throw a punch and he needed help to come up with them?

 

Coach: Fuck you, mammy fucker.

 

Announcer: Ladies and gentlemen it is time for the much delayed 24/7 title match under Northstar's rules! Already in the ring the 24/7 title Champion....NORTHSTAR!

 

Northstar(into the mic):Northstar: I see the Tim Moysey faggot brigade is out in full force spouting out their own brand of outrageous propaganda that would make even Hitler and his Nazi cohorts turn over in their graves out of disgust and embarrassment. Tim, I was afraid of you? I no showed Angleslam because I didn't want to face you? Quite the contrary you wretched harlot. In truth I was giving you a chance to back out of our little affair. It was my intention to give you the opportunity to apologize to me and accept me as your superior. However it seems that you have not exercised this opening and now you shall meet the consequences of your folly. Come on down and face your doom, biatch!

 

Crowd: Nooooo show. Nooooo show.

 

*Cue Tim Moysey's entrance music*

 

Announcer: And his opponent, the genreal manager of heldDOWN....TIM MOYSEY!

 

Tim Moysey walks out from the back. He heads straight to the ring, the only thing on his mind is beating Northstar's ass.

 

The time keeper rings the bell

 

Lockup to start. Northstar forces Moysey into the corner and unloads a barrage of knife edge chops on the GM's chest. Northstar backs up into the center ring. They lock up once again. This time Moysey forces Northstar into the corner. Ever the gentlemen, Moysey makes a clean break. Back into a lockup. Northstar hit's a keylock and leg sweeps Moysey to the ground. Northstar does a ground arm wrench. Moysey yanks his arm away just in time to avoid a senton splash onto it. Moysey goes for a Oklahoma roll which gets a one count. Back to their feet, Moysey reverses a Irish whips and hits a fireman's carry.

 

Cole: Coachie-poo, where are those random guys Northstar brings to the ring with him?

 

Coach: The Acolytes of Northstar? Funny you should ask that, they're back stage guarding the gorrilla postion to make sure none of Tim Moysey's friends can get out here and do a run in.

 

Moysey's got Northstar's in a headlock. Northstar's pushes his opponent into ropes and locks on a sleeper hold on the rebound. Northstar switches from a sleeper hold to a hammer lock and then goes for a standing arm bar. Moysey slips out of it and hip tosses Northstar to the ground.

 

Moysey pumps his fist into the giving Northstar enough time to go for a school boy. Pin attempt 1...kickout!

 

Northstar: Lesson number two, always keep your eyes on your opponent.

 

Moysey backs Dreams into the ropes back first. They jockey for position with Northstar getting the upper hand by poking Moysey in the eye. Northstar ascends the ropes. He leaps off the top and hits Moysey with a hurricanrana into an armbar!!

 

Cole: What a move! What a move!

 

Moysey powers out of the armbar and attempts to catch his breath. Northstar boots him in the stomach and hits a rolling armbar. Moysey makes the ropes. Northstar tries to force Moysey over the ropes, which would automatically disqualify the general manager from the match. Moysey turns the tables and dumps Northstar out of the ring! WAIT! Northstar is barley able to catch the bottom rope and roll himself back in.

 

Cole: If he wasn't 5'8 he'd have a lost this match!

 

With Northstar on his stomach, Moysey takes advantage and locks on a Reverse Achilles tendon hold. The move is known to put pressure on the knee. Northstar makes the ropes then quickly scrambles away.

 

Cole: A new bit information has developed. These guys don't want to stay near the ropes for fear of being dumped and losing the match.

 

Coach: That's not information, that's an aspect. Get a dictionary.

 

Moysey sets Northstar onto the top the turnbuckle. He leaps in the air and gives him a funky looking dropkick. Northstar remains on the turnbuckle so Moysey knocks him off a TOP ROPE ENZIGUIRI!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

 

Crowd: Holy shit! Holy shit! Holy shit!

 

Pin attempt 1...2....kick out. Moysey starts to argue with the ref but remembers rule number three "respect authority"! The GM double arm DDT's Northstar taking extra care to drive his head into the mat. Moysey locks on a half crab. Northstar easily makes the ropes.

 

Cole: What does the half crab target?

 

Coach: The crabs on yo mama's STANKIN ASS PUSSY!!

 

Moysey forces Northstar into the corner. He hits him in the stomach with a series of viscous kicks and finishes it off with a round house to head. Moysey powerbombs Northstar into the turnbuckle. Moysey charges into Northstar knee first, BUT Northstar slides out of the way and Moysey's knee crashes into the second turnbuckle.

 

The crowd does that popping thing when Alix Spezia appears running through the audience towards the ring!

 

Coach: There she is!! Oh my God! Hold me! Do it now!

 

Cole puts his arm around Coach

 

Coach: Don't touch me, queer bait!

 

Alix slides into the ring and pushes the referee away. She gingerly helps Tim Moysey to his feet. The two chit chat for a bit. Tim starts to walk towards Northstar but Alix catches him in the jaw with a super kick. Moysey goes crashing to the ground with a resounding thud!

 

Cole: Damn her to hell! This match wasn't supposed to have any interfence. This was supposed to be a good clean pure wrestling match but she comes in and screws it up. To think, I felt sorry for her.

 

Alix exits the ring as Northstar slides over to cover Tim Moysey. The ref shakes his head, communicating that he won't count the pin fall.

 

Northstar: This is my match! Mine, dipshit! Interference by Alix is allowed!

 

The ref gets onto his knees and reluctantly counts the pinfall

 

1..2...kick out!

 

Crowd: Go Tim Go! Go Tim Go! Go Tim Go!

 

Northstar's pile driver attempts gets reversed and he goes flying to the mat! Moysey angrily stomps away at Northstar. He lifts him up and whips him into the ropes. Northstar counters with a clothesline but Moysey counters that with a duck and a neck breaker! Moysey starts to apply the Nagata Lock. Northstar wisely goes into the fetal position and avoids the move.

 

Moysey lifts Northstar up from the fetal position. He tries a fall away slam. Northstar has other ideas and quickly flips out of it. He hits Moysey with a Rude Awakening! Northstar climbs the ropes and beats his chest like a modern day Tarzan.

 

Crowd: You suck! You suck! You suck!

 

Northstar comes off the top with a missile dropkick aimed directly at Moysey's arm! Moysey falls over in a pain! Northstar hit's an Asai moonsault. Instead of going for the pin he forces Moysey into a sitting position. From there he locks on a Pump handle armbar. Moysey struggles to escape the hold. Northstar applies more pressure and serenades anyone with in ear shot.

 

Northstar: Everybody's talking, but they don't say a thing. They look at me with sad eyes but I don't want their sympathy. It's cool you didn't want me. Sometimes you can't go back....

 

Northstar's song and submission hold is halted when a serviceman pelts him in the head with an ice cube! Northstar gets up to argue. Tim Moysey seizes the day and drop kicks Northstar over the ropes. He barely skins the cat!

 

Moysey bounces off the ropes and throws himself face first into Northstar. Moysey's head crashes into the Northstar's stomach and the two tumble to the ground. Moysey hops onto his adversary. They tangle with each other. Moysey starts to bite Northstar's eye balls!

 

Coach: Fucking sick, dude!

 

The ref grabs Moysey and throws him off Northstar. Both men get to their feet. Moysey's wild super kick attempt is ducked. Northstar bounces off the ropes and throws out a big boot. Moysey side steps it. He hops on Northstar's back and starts to BITE HIS NECK!

 

Cole: Our general manager has been possessed by a Vampire!

 

Coach: Eh, if that's the worse that happens tonight, consider yourself lucky.

 

With Moysey still on his back, Northstar runs backwards into the corner. Moysey gets crushed between the ringpost and Northstar. Northstar rubs the wounds on his neck before setting Tim Moysey onto the turnbuckle. Northstar salutes the crowd and hops onto the top rope. From the top rope he hops onto Tim Moysey and sends him flying with an arm drag! Northstar applies a basic arm lock, leaving Moysey with no choice but to tap the fuck OUT!

 

Crowd: Booooooo!

 

(The timekeeper rings the bell)

 

Announcer: Your winner.....NORTHSTAR!

 

Cole: Well, I guess in Northstar's mind he finally put Tim Moysey in his place. I think one day he'll regret not accepting Tim Moysey into his life. By then it will probably be to late.

 

Coach: Blah, Blah, ALIX IS BACK!

 

Cole: So do you just randomly select which women to ogle, or what?

 

Coach: I'll take 'em all!

 

Cole: Ya know, that's not big of you. That's bigamy. Fans, we'll be right back after this.

[Zack Malibu 0]

Cue: “Short Stories with Tragic Endings” by From Autumn to Ashes

 

COACH

What the –

 

COLE

It’s –

 

 

SPIDERPOET~! Emerges from the back, and the heldDOWN fans go NUTS! He smiles, dressed in jeans, a sleveless shirt, and a dark pair of sunglasses. He makes his way down the ramp to his original entrance theme, playing to the fans. He pauses several times making for quite an extended entrance, taking the time to speak with the fans along the barricade. Finally, he reaches the ring, sliding in and quickly jumping to his feet. He approaches the turnbuckle and hauls himself up, throwing his arms up in the air with a big grin.

 

The music dies down and the house lights come back up, and SP jumps back down off the turnbuckles and takes a mic from an outside official. The fans continue to cheer, and he is forced to pause and let that die down, all the while smiling and chuckling.

 

COLE

Wow! I don’t think any of us expected to see Spider-Poet back! He seemed to have something brewing with someone over on IntenseZone, but both of them seemed to have dropped off the face of the planet.

 

COACH

Well it seems like the fans here certainly remember him!

 

SP

Wow . . . (fans pop again) (laughing) Wow, I didn’t expect that. It’s good to know that a little downtime doesn’t equal being forgotten.

 

COACH

Who could forget the man that braved a psychopathic twin in one of the biggest spectacles ever in the OAOAST?

 

COLE

Or the romance intertwined throughout that whole thing. This man has been in the thick of a lot of things here, Coach.

 

SP

Well, since you seem to remember me, then there’s no need for a re-introduction. But, you do deserve . . . an explanation. Once this GameDust character showed up, I knew that I had to take a step back. In this business, we’re so often stalked, seduced, thrilled, and sometimes killed. And with a marriage looming, I could not risk putting Amanda through another stressful experience. Now that it seems this character has chosen to leave, Widow and I discussed something very important to me.

 

COLE

Wow . . . now that’s the sign of a loving husband, Coach. He gave up what is obviously his passion to ensure her safety.

 

COACH

I don’t think GameDust was much of a threat. I think it was more to help Widow cope with her previous experience with Goblin.

 

SP

But, I’ll get to that in a moment. What were we doing for the last three weeks?

 

[The AngleTron flares to life, showing a beachfront wedding ceremony. Various snapshots of Peter and Amanda kissing at the altar, and having fun smearing the wedding cake in each others’ faces at the reception are shown, with a lot of the female fans “aw”ing and most everyone laughing.]

 

SP

Well, we got married! (Fans POP~!) We had a wonderful honeymoon in Scotland, and upon return to the States . . . well, I began to feel a hunger.

 

COLE

I think I know where this is going.

 

SP

A hunger to hear you guys cheer and boo. A hunger for the sound of a body hitting the mat. A hunger for this arena, a hunger to step back IN THIS VERY RING!

 

(The fans explode in a moment of cheering, sensing where this is going)

 

SP

So, Amanda and I discussed it and . . . I’m going to go into semi-retirement. Or, at least, take a job in the “Office” for a while. (Fans are mostly quiet in disappointment) BUT, before I do that, I have a request to make of someone. . .

 

COLE

Wow . . . he’s . . . retiring.

 

COACH

Just when we thought we were going to get another run with the Power of the Poet . . .

 

SP

. . . ZACK. MALIBU.

 

[FANS POP!}

 

SP

Zack, I’m requesting your presence here in the ring. Right . . . now.

 

COACH

Whoa! What’s this?! Is SP out for Zack Malibu?!

 

Cue: “Bring Me To Life”

 

The fans explode as this segment heats up, as ZACK MALIBU emerges from the back, regarding SpiderPoet in the ring.

 

COACH

Tonight is the first time we've seen Zack since he dropped the OAOAST World Title at AngleSlam.

 

COLE

And the reason for that is because he served as the Poet's best man at the wedding ceremony! However, these two have not always seen eye to eye on certain matters. If you remember, Coach, they've done battle twice in the past.

 

COACH

Both of those times gave us some GREAT matches. These two try to take one another to the limit each time, Michael.

 

Zack climbs into the ring and he and Poet regard one another. After a moment, Poet backs away to the ropes and retrieves a mic. He approaches Zack and steps in close to hand it to him. The two stare at one another for a long moment as the music dies out, and SP reaches up and pulls his shades off, intense eyes meeting intense eyes across a very narrow expanse. Face to face the two warriors stare at one another, before finally SP raises the mic back to his face and backs away a step.

 

SP

Zack, I've got something to ask of you now.

 

ZM

(Looks at SpiderPoet, his demeanor that of wonder and anticipation).

 

SP

Now Zack, you and I, we've had our differences in the past. However you and I have persevered through our one time antimosity. In fact, for any of you who are unaware of the fact, this man served as my best man just recently.

 

[Crowd pops. Zack chuckles a bit, lowering his head before looking back at SP.]

 

ZM

Alright . . . I’m listening.

 

SP

Do you remember? Do you remember the last two times we met here? Two nights, I chased gold and two nights you stood in my way. It wasn’t about you, not even when the Trinity was involved, Zack. No, I always, always, wanted nothing more than to take you to the limit and see what kind of champion you were. And to see if I had what it took to top that. Sure, there were other intentions, trying to help out my team, but we know where my heart is now. Jay made sure of that, Zack. You've made sure of it as well. You made sure that I stay true to what I'm supposed to be. You made sure I follow the path of a hero in this ring.

 

(SP pauses, looking around as the audience begins to buzz heavily after his excited rant)

 

The point is . . . it's about to come to a close. My whole perspective, Zack. I’m married now. I have a family to consider now. My wife is . . . pregnant. My child is on the way. The office has given me a great opportunity. But I have a hunger, a thirst . . . to go to my limits one more time. (The buzz begins to build) And you’re the one man who has honestly taken me there each time, Zack. No gold, no agendas . . . just the Pissed Off Prep and the Spectacular Spider Poet, two good men facing one another for respect, for honor. For making up for the past and settling ALL DEBTS . . . RIGHT HERE, IN THIS VERY RING. ONE . . . ON . . . ONE. One . . . Last . . . Time.

 

(The crowd EXPLODES)

 

COACH

OH MY GAWSH! DO IT ZACK!

 

COLE

Oh MY! What a match up that would be!

 

Zack Malibu looks out to the crowd, who are rooting him on. SpiderPoet stands firm, as he awaits Zack's rebuttal.

 

SP

C'mon Zack, you hear these people? They're not trying to get us to fight because they like one of us less than the other. They want us to lock up one last time, as a tribute. A tribute to the previous two times, and a way to do it right. The third time is the charm, Zack. I'm waiting on you.

 

Zack, still hesitant, looks at the canvas, his hands resting on his hips. Zack tilts his head upward, and takes a deep breath...

 

ZM

You're on.

 

The crowd roars. Poet smiles.

 

SP

That's all I needed to hear.

 

Poet tosses his mic down, and he and Zack stare at each other, before a hand is extended in friendship. Zack accepts the handshake, and the two hug, before taking seperate corners and working the crowd up.

 

MC

What an announcement! SpiderPoet, Peter Cone, in his last act as an active wrestler, will take on Zack Malibu at Dirty Deeds!

 

COACH

If the past is any indication, that match will be the show stealer. That's worth my money right there!

 

MC

You'd be there anyway. You don't order PPV's, you doof.

 

COACH

Oh yeah. True 'dat, fool.

 

MC

Who's the fool?

[Zack Malibu 0]

COLE

Up next we have a non title match between The Dream Machines and Totally Endorsed’s Calvin and Colvid. Calvin and company were furious that The Dream Machines would get involved in their fight with Axel last week and they asked for this match tonight!

 

COACH

Well there won’t be any glass tables in this match, but it should still be good. I wonder how Parka’s back is doing.

 

COLE

He told me backstage that it is feeling a lot better and almost 100%. Let’s go now to our ring announcer for this match.

 

RING ANNOUNCER

This match is a non title match and it is scheduled for one fall!!

 

CUE: I’m the Bomb

 

RING ANNOUNCER

Coming to the ring…at a total combined weight of 422 pounds…representing Totally Endorsed…the team of CALVIN SZECHSTEIN AND COLVID!!!!

 

(The crowd boos as Calvin and Colvid walk out from behind the curtain. Calvin is decked out in a Padres Throwback uniform over his ring attire and he holds his OAOAST Title up for all to see which causes the fans to boo louder. Calvin and Colvid slide into the ring and pose on the turnbuckles as their music fades out.)

 

CUE: California Love

 

RING ANNOUNCER

Coming to the ring…accompanied by Eddy Kalm…at a total combined weight of 465 pounds…the OAOAST Tag Team Champions…The Parka…Peter Knight…THE DREAM MACHINES!!!!

 

(The El Camino pulls up and bounces a little for the fans as they are standing and dancing to the music. PK and Parka get out and hold their tag titles high for the crowd to see and unlike Calvin they get cheers for it. PK and Parka slide into the ring and pose on the turnbuckles while Eddy takes his place at ringside. Parka hands his mask and the tag belts to the ringside attendant and then the two of them talk strategy while Calvin and Colvid wait in their corner.)

 

COLE

We haven’t seen these two teams meet up since The Great Angle Bash and we all know how that one turned out.

 

COACH

It was a blood bath Cole. I loved that match!

 

COLE

What?? You spent most of the match under the table out of fear!

 

Parka steps to mid ring as Colvid tells Calvin that he’ll take care of this one. Colvid cockily walks over to Parka and raises his hand for a test of strength.

 

*DING DING DING*

 

Parka hesitates to put his hand up as the crowd tells him not to do it. Finally Parka reaches his hand up to grab the knucklelock, but Parka quickly kicks Colvid in the gut before he can do anything. Colvid bends over in pain, but he’s knocked back to a standing position by a hard chop from Parka. The crowd “whoo’s” along with the chops as Parka continues to blister Colvid’s chest. Parka then grabs him by the arm and whips him to the ropes. Colvid comes back and Parka Back Body Drops him over his shoulder and then tags in PK.

 

PK comes in as Colvid is standing and quickly takes him down with a running Clothesline. He then quickly picks Colvid up again, puts him on his shoulder, and hits a Snake Eyes into the corner. Colvid stumbles out and right into PK’s arms for a Side Slam. Cover.

 

One…Two..No!!

 

COLE

The Dream Machines are wasting no time in taking it to Colvid!

 

COACH

Fo Sheez

 

COLE

Bless you.

 

PK tags back out to Parka who waits for Colvid to stand and hits a Springboard Clothesline. A quick cover gets 2! Parka then pulls him to his feet and hits a Snap Suplex. Another cover gets only 2 again. Parka then pulls him to his feet again and goes to whip him to the corner, but Colvid reverses and sends Parka into the TE corner. Colvid then distracts the ref while Calvin chokes Parka with the tag rope! PK starts to come into the ring to stop it, but the ref stops him as Colvid goes to his corner and starts to lay the boots to Parka as Calvin chokes him! The two of them stop as the ref turns around and Colvid quickly tags out.

 

COLE

Come on ref! Can’t you see what’s going on!?

 

COACH

Does the ref ever see what’s going on?

 

Calvin places his boot on Parka’s throat and begins choking him in the corner, but the ref comes over begins to count. 1…2…3…4…Calvin releases the choke and backs up a few steps. He then comes running in and nails Parka in the head with his knee. The fans are booing the heel tactics of Calvin, but Calvin just laughs it off and pulls Parka out of the corner. Calvin then Snapmares Parka over and kicks him full blast in the back. Calvin then backs up a little and comes running in for a hard Neck Snap! Cover.

 

One…Two…No!!

 

Calvin tags Colvid back in and Colvid picks Parka off the mat just to slam him back down near the corner. Colvid then climbs to the top rope and hits the Colvid Crunch! Cover.

 

One…Two…Thre..No PK breaks up the count and the fans cheer!!

 

Colvid tags Calvin back in and both men whip Parka to the ropes and hit a double team Flapjack! Calvin makes a cover, but only gets a 2 count. He then picks Parka up, whips him to the ropes, and hits the Arista Records Rana! Cover.

 

One…Two…Thre..No!!

 

COLE

This doesn’t look good for the champs. Totally Endorsed are working like a well oiled machine!

 

COACH

Hmmm…well oiled…where’s Crystal?

 

COLE

Stop that!!

 

Calvin stands up and poses for a second, which riles up the crowd. When Parka finally stands Calvin comes running in and grabs him for the New Line Cinema Neckbreaker! Calvin then tags Colvid in again and Colvid grabs Parka for the Volume Spiker. He then turns so that he’s facing the corner and Calvin climbs to the second turnbuckle so he can jump up and push down on Parka as he’s being Piledriven! PK quickly runs over and nails Calvin in the gut with a punch, but Colvid sees this and drops Parka so he can knock PK off the apron. PK lands hard on the mat outside as Calvin climbs out and whips PK into the barricade so hard that he flips over and into the crowd!

 

COLE

Oh my God!! PK just went flying over the barricade and into the laps of those fans!

 

COACH

That’s a souvenir they won’t soon forget!

 

Calvin returns to the ring just as Colvid hits a German Suplex with a bridge.

 

One...Two…Three...No!!

 

Colvid tags back out to Calvin and then both men whip Parka to the ropes before hitting a double team Spinebuster! Colvid returns to the apron as Calvin starts firing punches to Parka’s head and even starts bouncing Parka’s head off the mat. He then picks him up and goes for a DDT, but Parka reaches out and grabs the ropes to stop it. Colvid notices this and kicks Parka’s hand off the rope allowing Calvin to hit the DDT. Calvin then moves Parka into position and starts to climb to the top. Calvin poses for a second and then goes for the FUBU 450 Splash…but no one is home!!

 

COLE

Did you see that!? PK just pulled Parka out of the ring at the last second!!

 

COACH

Damn man! Calvin just splatted on the mat!

 

PK goes back to his corner, but he’s pulled off the apron by Sly Summers. PK just grabs Sly by the head and tosses him face first into the ring post before tossing him over the barricade. Josh Matthews comes to help, but Eddy grabs him from behind and tosses him over the barricade as well. The fans erupt for Eddy's actions as Eddy pretends to flex his muscles.

 

COLE

Will you look at Eddy! I didn't know he had it in him.

 

COACH

He's gone crazy!

 

In all the commotion PK missed the opportunity to tag Parka as Parka is pulled back to mid ring by Colvid. Colvid then helps Calvin to his feet and then returns to the apron. Calvin stumbles around for a second before regaining his composure and going to pick up Parka, but Parka rolls him up!

 

One…Two…No!!!

 

COLE

Oh my God Parka almost stole one!!

 

COACH

Damn man is Parka a klepto?

 

Calvin tries to get away to tag Colvid in, but Parka grabs him by the foot and drags him across the ring to his corner. Parka then reaches out and finally tags PK in!! The crowd erupts as PK comes in and hoists Calvin onto his shoulders for the Knightmare, but Colvid runs over and pulls Calvin off PK’s back by his leg! PK quickly hits a Back Elbow to Colvid that sends him falling to the outside! PK then picks Calvin back up and begins the Knight Roll! He hits the two Vertical Suplexes and then hits the Falcon Arrow. Calvin is out on the mat as PK signals that it’s over. Suddenly Sly appears on the apron again and argues with the ref. While PK is yelling at Sly he suddenly crumples to the mat as Colvid hits a low blow on him from the outside!

 

COLE

Low blow from Colvid!!

 

Sly drops down from the apron as Calvin stands up and pulls PK to his feet. Calvin then signals that it’s over, but the crowd pops loudly instead of booing…because Axel has just jumped the barricade and is on the ring apron!!

 

COACH

Look who it is!! Axel is here!! That’s my dawg!

 

Calvin runs forward and swings wildly at Axel, but Axel just drops down to the floor to escape the punch. Calvin then exits the ring and starts to stalk Axel, but PK slides out and spins Calvin around and kicks him in the gut. Colvid enters the ring to come over to where they are, but the ref stops him and orders him back to his corner. Out of nowhere on the outside Axel blasts PK from behind with a forearm and then hits the Axel Slam on PK! The crowd gasps and then boos loudly at Axel’s actions!

 

COLE

What the hell just happened!?!

 

COACH

Ahh that aint my dawg now!!

 

Axel rolls PK into the ring as Parka comes running around to where he is, but out of nowhere Sly hits a chop block on Parka and Axel begins to stomp away at him. Inside the ring Calvin climbs to the top rope and hits the FUBU 450 Splash on PK. Cover.

 

One…Two…Three!!!

 

*DING DING DING*

 

COLE

I cannot believe this!! Did Axel just join Totally Endorsed???

 

COACH

That is so not my dawg anymore!! I can’t believe this!

 

RING ANNOUNCER

Here’s your winner of this non title match…CALVIN AND COLVID!!!!

 

COLE

This cannot be! He beats Calvin last week, and aligns with him tonight? Did Calvin break Axel's spirit, or was this some master plan all along?

 

Sly continues beating down Parka on the outside as Axel steps into the ring and holds Calvin and Colvid's arms up in victory. Eddy tries to come over to help Parka, but Sly takes Eddy out with a chair shot to the back, which really pisses off the crowd. The fans throw trash into the ring as we fade out.

[Zack Malibu 0]

PROPS:

 

Axel

Mad Matt

Parka

Zack

SP

Sly

Northstar

Ted